Help me become better at keeping my cards close to my chest

February 24, 2022 9:26 PM

In the book "Life Code" Dr Phil recommends keeping your feelings, plans & thoughts close to your chest. For example, don't telegraph your career plans, or what you really think about something or someone. I am generally an open and honest person who shares information readily. When pressed for my thoughts or information I would like to get better at fending people off rather than giving them all my information. Could someone please make some suggestions about how to become better at fending off requests for information that I don't want to share.
posted by hithere to Human Relations (28 answers total)

Not the answer you were looking for, but in my experience, being known to be helpful, generous, and open about your agenda is enormously good for working with others, getting their trust, and cooperation.
I would ditch Dr Phills advice.
I suppose it does depend on what you do? If you are an undercover agent for example...
posted by Zumbador at 9:32 PM on February 24, 2022 [81 favorites]

I'm like you - sharing connects me. Hey, I am a human! I have human joys and dreams and problems! You are a human. You have human joys, dreams, problems too! Let's be humans together! But not everyone enjoys my human enthusiasms because they value competition above connection.

One thing I am trying to do more of is make jokes or use humour to deflect. For example, recently a colleague (who I really like and connect with) sought some personal information that I didn't want to share in front of the other people present. Instead I made an exaggerated wink and said 'later' in kind of a sleazy fashion. There were laughs (we are all middle age women) and the talk went on to other topics. Other times I use exaggeration. Someone asked me if I want to go for a particular role (that I would want) and I deflected by saying 'only when I take over the rest of the world.' It gives an answer without giving an answer. The trick to jumping to a humorous response is not to take yourself too seriously in that moment.
posted by Thella at 9:37 PM on February 24, 2022 [13 favorites]

In the immortal words of Aaron Burr (I have to make the joke because I'm first), "talk less, smile more." But seriously, maybe take longer to respond to things and think about it before you speak up?

Maybe you want to provide some examples of what you're trying not to say?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 PM on February 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

Breathe, and give the other person time to ask again or insist. Sometimes people pick stuff up right off the top of your head and they look for confirmation. Make it harder to get. Some people have the energetic chops to make you "spontaneously" open up, and the breath comes in right there, exhale rather than speaking, inhale, have a hard time hearing, and see if you are being pressed or if it is just nervous energy.
posted by Oyéah at 10:35 PM on February 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

You can always answer a prying question with a question, like why do you ask?
posted by Oyéah at 10:37 PM on February 24, 2022 [8 favorites]

Oh, that is the question, isn't it?

I'm keeping my options open for now.

It's too early to say for sure. / I'm having trouble wrapping my thoughts around this. / I'm still in the information gathering stage. What are you thinking?

In a perfect world, I'd do X. In reality, though? *shrugs*.

I'm not looking forward to X, but I'm super exited about Y on Saturday. Any plans for the weekend?

I'll keep you posted about Z. (don't actually follow through).

How have I been? same old same old. How's it going?

Well, without knowing the full details, I'd say we need to do more Y, but don't hold me to that.

Anything is possible (with Barbie).
posted by oceano at 10:37 PM on February 24, 2022 [33 favorites]

Something that works well for me, is to give a vague or half answer and then ask another question in return. This makes it a little less obvious that you are refusing to answer and often they won't even notice if they didn't really care about the answer. Some examples:

Q: How's work? Are you still thinking about switching jobs?
A: Oh man there's so much work. It's just one busy thing after another. So thankful got to have a long weekend. Did you get to do anything nice during the long weekend?!

Q: Hey, did you hear the news?! Manager is leaving! Do you think you're going to try to take the position?
A: seriously!! It's so crazy I literally just found out!! I never would have guessed that this was coming! What about you? Were you surprised?

It especially works if you can follow up with a question that the other person is genuinely interested in talking about / discussing. Just remember you don't owe people an answer. I generally support being open but if you ever don't feel like it then giving a half answer and changing the subject is completely valid.
posted by aaabbbccc at 10:45 PM on February 24, 2022 [14 favorites]

“I’m working on it.”
posted by iamkimiam at 11:28 PM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It's good to have balance in what you are sharing. Sounds like you feel you need to get out of the habit of sharing too much. Don't worry about the advice of those who are trying to discourage you in this pursuit -- it's definitely NOT true always helps in working with others and gaining their trust. Giving true unguarded answers to questions involving business secrets or nosey personal questions or worse yet the nosey personal questions probing for any secrets you know about others isn't going to win you any trust points. All the same, be careful about revealing that you are working on yourself in this way as many people (as evidenced by other answers) will assume motives that you don't have.

You have asked specifically for help with things you don't want to share -- everyone has things they don't want to share, no matter how much they like to pretend that you should be sharing everything they want to know. There is nothing to be ashamed of in having things you would prefer not to share.

I think it will be easier if you continue to be open and honest -- don't try to lie, don't try to be evasive. Neutral answers, true but innocuous things, are your friends.

Examples in a question/answer format:
Why did Sally *really* take the day off? / I don't have time to wonder about such things.
Do you think Enrique is having an affair? / I don't care to discuss other's personal business.
What is your company going to bid? (if asked by a competitor) / I recuse myself from this conversation. ***walks away***
Did XYZ company ask many questions about your patent? / I signed an NDA and can't discuss what we talked about.
Did you sign an NDA with XYZ? / I'm sorry, my lawyer has advised me not to answer such questions. (Note, I am not a lawyer)
When are you and your partner going to have a baby? / Wow, that's sure a personal question. I'm sure that was a slip of the tongue and you didn't mean to ask such a rude personal question, so I'm going to do you the favor of ignoring it. ***changes subject***
What did you think of my grandmothers cooking? / I've never tried (dish) prepared that way before, thank you so much for the opportunity to experience your family's taste traditions.
We just spent $$$ remodeling our house! / Oh, it must be so exciting for you to have what you have dreamed of! I notice the personal touches, you have really found a (thing) that shows off your taste in (those types of things).
How have profits/revenues/etc been in your business? How many widget orders are you getting? When are you going to announce your next widget release? / I'm thankful for our progress but things could always be better. In these times we are just doing the best we can, that's all any of us can do, right? Things are so challenging these days with supply chain irregularities.
How did you do the thing you clearly need to know a certain trade secret to do? / It's magic. Just need to have the right touch.

Obviously you wouldn't just use all of these all the time.
posted by yohko at 11:50 PM on February 24, 2022 [9 favorites]

This isn't quite what you asked, but in my opinion Dr. Phil is kind of a shitgibbon, and I'd encourage you to seek out additional perspectives about how one might choose to behave, whatever choices you eventually make about how much or little you choose to disclose to others (there's lots of good advice in this thread already).
posted by Alterscape at 12:35 AM on February 25, 2022 [47 favorites]

Sorry, here's another vote for "don't listen to Dr Phil". There are much, much better sources of advice available to you. Try philosophy, the Stoics, Taoists and Buddhists are all pretty good.
posted by Awfki at 4:28 AM on February 25, 2022 [15 favorites]

I think openness is good, but if there are SPECIFIC things you want to keep private, decide in advance what you will say when asked and literally practice it out loud. It sounds dumb, but will make it easier to do when you're in a stressful situation.
posted by metasarah at 4:59 AM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]

Spend less time with people you don't want to share things with.
posted by mani at 5:10 AM on February 25, 2022 [14 favorites]

To add to Oyéah's comment - I once heard that when someone asks you a question like that, they want to be asked the same in return. So offer a non-answer and flip it back to them:
Career: I'm happy in my job right now and content to let it unfurl. How about you, do you have any career plans?
Acquaintance: I don't know John Doe well, do you?

If you need to change topics completely, offer a non-answer and change the topic completely.
I'm happy in my job right now. Hey what was that book you were telling me about before?
I don't know John Doe well. Have you seen the new building going up on Main Street?
posted by jennypower at 5:45 AM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]

I come from a family of superstitious "say nothing about big plans until they're in effect" people. That meant not discussing plans to buy a house, change jobs, etc. I really struggled with that because as some who desperately needed a way to connect to people, I just wanted to talk about things openly and honestly! I like sharing stuff about my life. But I realized that many times after sharing news, I did feel really, really vulnerable, and even if the person I talked to didn't say anything discouraging in response to my share, there was this weird sense of, "oh, they didn't need to know that" that would run through me and make me feel discouraged.

What that meant for me is the there is a time and a place to share things that are in talks or in progress. When I want advice on something, I go to close friends or family and share details with them. This helped me build up an ability to say, "Ah, still in the thinking phase," to others who might pry out of curiosity or whatever. Because it's true, I am in the thinking phase --- just not with them.
posted by The Adventure Begins at 5:46 AM on February 25, 2022 [5 favorites]

For me, the key is being deliberate about sharing. If I'm making conscious choices and choosing to share a lot, that's fine in my experience. If I'm sharing thoughtlessly, or sharing because I don't think I have a choice, that gets me in trouble.

One thing that helps me is having Trusted People who I know it's safe to tell things to. Then, if I have news I don't want to share with everyone, I can tell myself "It's okay, I get to celebrate/mourn/infodump about this with my Trusted Person tomorrow." That makes it easier to keep my mouth shut with the people who don't need to know.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:00 AM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]

“Why do you ask?”

This puts the ball back in the questioner’s court. If they answer, “just curious,” there’s no need for any reply at all.
posted by BostonTerrier at 6:07 AM on February 25, 2022

I wear my heart on my shoulders, sometimes around my neck like a beautiful rainbow of enormous joy.
posted by parmanparman at 6:48 AM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]

I'm going to pile in with the not-answering-the-question folks. Gladly.

One theme underlying so many personal-relationship questions and conundrums is that people are generally bad at communicating. That is, at verbalizing their thoughts, desires, intentions, motivations, even their core identity. Many crucial gains from therapy are skills in saying tough things to themselves, and to other people. Just plain: putting words on it, and getting those words out.

The idea that you should train yourself to avoid putting words on it is potentially quite damaging. Dr. Phil is full of shit.

You can surely train yourself to choose what you say, and to say it with a great deal of refinement. But the core idea of keeping your feelings and your thoughts and everything buried inside of you is a recipe of self-harm.

The whole ask-vs-guess debate is deeply rooted in this. I was raised deeply in "guess" territory, and my life got a whole lot better once I retrained myself to "ask" and to tell, clearly and gently, but to get the words out.
posted by Dashy at 7:01 AM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]

For things you don't want to commit to / get pinned down on or think it would cause too much tension to reveal ("how're you handling all the departures?" "One of them already referred me to his new company!") etc, I mentally put on a "laid back surfer dude" attitude. Like, how're you feeling about the departures? "Ah, I dunno, things are weird eh?" / "We'll get through!" What're you thinking you want to do in five years? "Hm, haven't really thought about it, I'll let you know!" How're things between you and your spouse, that phone call sounded tense? "Ah, everyone's under a lot of stress but *shrug, warm smile*"

It would also be even more powerful if you turn it around afterward and ask "how about you?" or something similar.
posted by Lady Li at 7:48 AM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]

"why do you ask" is hostile. It's what you say when someone is prying and you're politely letting them know you feel attacked and that they better back off.

Plenty of much better advice upthread, especially practicing in advance re anything you really don't want to discuss, and turning question around. Almost everyone likes getting to talk about themselves.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:21 AM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]

Also the answer to how was your weekend/ holiday?… is “too short.”
posted by oceano at 9:25 AM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]

Agreed that Dr. Phil is not a source of wisdom, but also agree that being an over-sharer can come with a cost. OP, if you feel comfortable, I think if you shared some examples of what your worried about you might get more targeted/better advice.

Anyhow, I'll focus on a few examples of the type of over-sharing to avoid:

1. Negative feelings. And I don't just mean not telling someone you think they're boring or whatever. I mean avoid over-sharing anxieties, hate, dislikes, etc. There is some psychological research to back this up - that the healthier/stable relationships (romantic or platonic) are those based on positives. That doesn't mean you can't ever gripe or talk about difficult topics with people you're intimate with - but you want to make sure on balance, you're mostly putting out positive speech. There are of course exceptions - like, when a parent/loved one dies - my point is more you do not need nor should reveal all of the things you don't like. And people who use "just being honest" to justify their quantity of mean statements are really just jerks. So here, the way to deflect is a white lie- i.e. "How do you like my new [ugly to you] sweater?" "Oh, it's a nice a color!" or whatever.

2. When oversharing means monopolizing space. I have found difficult people, who, when asked a simple question, go on to answer the question so thoroughly that it takes 5-10min when I was really just looking for a brief answer. Unclear if this is your problem or not, but if it is, make a point to pay attention to whether in conversations with others you talk much more than the other person does, and if so, try to remind yourself not to go on and on, and make sure you're asking questions about them too.

3. When oversharing suggests you misunderstand the nature of your relationships. Like, if your boss asks "How is your weekend?" they (hopefully) don't want to know about any wild debauchery. They want a brief PG answer. "Oh, it was nice, it was a much needed break from work." Generally rule here is to match whatever level of intimacy you'd expect for the other person.

Otherwise, I find open and honest people truly delightful.
posted by coffeecat at 9:27 AM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]

I really like coffeecat's advice above. There are a few ways of oversharing that can be taxing on your listener but in many cases being honest without being blunt/rude is okay.

When pressed for my thoughts or information I would like to get better at fending people off rather than giving them all my information. Could someone please make some suggestions about how to become better at fending off requests for information that I don't want to share.

I think it's worth understanding the essential conflict here. For me, there is a manners thing where if someone asks a well-intentioned questions (even if it's kind of a bullshit question or one that is nosey or rude) I try to take it as it's intended and answer it. But people can take advantage of this and use it to play status games or, in other situations, possibly use it against you if they are jerks. And so I get into a quandary where if I do NOT take a query at face value, I see that as rude and manipulative, but if I DO take it at face value I can sometimes get bullied or otherwise taken advantage of.

So with the knowledge that manners is all about making people more comfortable, I find that the trick is to basically have a response that is kind and polite but may not be informative the way people want. A little vague. People above have given you great examples. If someone's a repeat offender or someone you're close to you can also just be like "That's kind of a rude question don't you think?" or have a slightly less polite response. If people press on a topic I do not want to talk about, that I have politely deflected or said I do not want to talk about, my retort is often "Hey I thought we were having a nice time here...."
posted by jessamyn at 10:35 AM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm also on team Phil is a Shitgibbon, but you asked the question. It's okay to not overshare, and especially helpful to learn to listen to others tell you about themselves, what they think, how they feel, what they did over the weekend.
posted by theora55 at 11:39 AM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]

It’s a question of personal power and boundaries. Share your plans but not your heart. You don’t need other people along for the emotional ride - too much to manage! Nor do they get to give input and direction to your choices and plans unless you’ve decided to let them influence you because you respect who and how they are. Does that make sense? Once you get a good handle on your own opinions, choices, personal power, then you can choose your level of sharing according to your taste; but of course don’t over share with people who don’t have a vested interest in your success. As for telegraphing your career plans, it depends how and to whom (manage up! But don’t be blindly ambitious) and holding back on sharing your opinions of others, well that’s just common politics; if you must speak ill of someone, be fair about it and remember that your criticism will reflect to others the quality of your judgement and not much else.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:09 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]

Other people do not always have your best interests at heart. Sometimes they are seeking information to advance themselves, spread gossip, or actively work against you. Hopefully this isn’t a major issue in your life, but it will crop up from time to time, and if you pause for a couple of beats you will give your instincts a chance to kick in and assess whether this person needs to know what you’re about to share.
posted by kapers at 7:10 PM on February 25, 2022 [5 favorites]

Parmanparman returns to say...

A gentle habit to prevent mal sharing is to decide 'is this a story I'm ready to tell or is it better to explain I'm still unpacking my feelings?". If the latter, take a beat and talk about the best things you did to get through what you encountered.
posted by parmanparman at 4:16 AM on February 27, 2022 [1 favorite]