How do I make peace with being child free
January 14, 2022 2:10 PM Subscribe
I'm 36 and because of various reasons [economy, covid, climate change, take your pick], it seems increasingly unlikely I will have children, no matter how much I desire them. I'm interested in hearing how other people conquered their own feelings of longing?
There's not much practically going for me when it comes to reasons for having a child: I have ADHD and am on the spectrum. I have a okay job in a high COL city, a partner who isn't keen on a family and would leave most of the work to me, and I'm basically okay with that. I'm finishing my second masters and have a lot of interests that distract. Until I see a baby and hormones! I end up crying in sadness that while I want a family it's not a great idea. And you know the trope, I have no friends left without sprogs and marriage. Other than see a therapist, get a pet or adore my niece and nephew (5 months and 3 years!) what would you suggest?
There's not much practically going for me when it comes to reasons for having a child: I have ADHD and am on the spectrum. I have a okay job in a high COL city, a partner who isn't keen on a family and would leave most of the work to me, and I'm basically okay with that. I'm finishing my second masters and have a lot of interests that distract. Until I see a baby and hormones! I end up crying in sadness that while I want a family it's not a great idea. And you know the trope, I have no friends left without sprogs and marriage. Other than see a therapist, get a pet or adore my niece and nephew (5 months and 3 years!) what would you suggest?
Have you ever thought about getting involved in Big Brothers/Big Sisters? It’s something I’ve thought about on my own journey to not making babies, a way to have a long-term relationship with a kiddo where I would really need to step up and be responsible. Teaching/volunteering with groups that do hobbies you love is another - getting involved in local politics and supporting school boards - getting basic aid training and offering up babysitting services to friends - bringing parent-like care to yourself, your partner, and friends, and attending to the scared kiddos who are often at the root of adult anger and shame.
An important qualification: I realized at 38 that I had *wanted* to want babies, but hadn’t ever felt that hormone-like pull you’re experiencing, so all of this comes with compassion for those feelings, too. They deserve to be heard and validated and understood and taken into account as you decide how to live your life.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:29 PM on January 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
An important qualification: I realized at 38 that I had *wanted* to want babies, but hadn’t ever felt that hormone-like pull you’re experiencing, so all of this comes with compassion for those feelings, too. They deserve to be heard and validated and understood and taken into account as you decide how to live your life.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:29 PM on January 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
I'm 49 - wanted kids and for various reasons wasn't able to make it happen. I really enjoy not having the immense responsibility that comes with raising kids - being able to go out at night or leave town without worrying about them, but also in the larger sense of being responsible for a whole other human being.
Making friends with women who don't have kids is a great idea, but I have also really enjoyed making connections with my friends' kids. It's sort of like grandparenting - you get to hang out with them and buy them occasional gifts, but don't have any responsibilities.
Finally, I would say, if you are sad about it, let yourself grieve. Grief is an important process and while I've known for years that I wouldn't have kids, I still have waves of deep grief and I try to honor that without letting it overtake me.
posted by tangosnail at 2:52 PM on January 14, 2022 [16 favorites]
Making friends with women who don't have kids is a great idea, but I have also really enjoyed making connections with my friends' kids. It's sort of like grandparenting - you get to hang out with them and buy them occasional gifts, but don't have any responsibilities.
Finally, I would say, if you are sad about it, let yourself grieve. Grief is an important process and while I've known for years that I wouldn't have kids, I still have waves of deep grief and I try to honor that without letting it overtake me.
posted by tangosnail at 2:52 PM on January 14, 2022 [16 favorites]
I am so sorry. I'm infertile but because of how my life played out by the time I was in a position to get the diagnosis and actually do something about it my personal clock had run out. I've answered various versions of this question before but the #1 piece of advice I can give you is grieve the loss of possibility as you would grieve the end of a relationship or the loss of a loved one. Cry it out, write it out, commemorate it from time to time like you'd visit a gravesite. (on preview, seconding what tangosnail posted). Drop off of social media for the first 2 weeks of May or the second 2 weeks of June, depending on who you are.
Volunteering with kids and hanging out with others' kids works for some people, but it didn't work for me for the longest time because it made me too sad, especially when dealing with kids whose parents weren't the greatest and I'd be thinking, "*they* could have a kid but *I* can't?" and that is NOT a healthy or compassionate way to think. Now I'm 49 and am better with that kind of thing. But at 36 I was not. I knew I was getting better at the loss when I started suggesting the names I wanted for my children to others. Now when I meet new Eleanors, Graces, Teddys, and Alexanders I smile and hope they take those names and soar with them.
Be gentle with yourself but firm with others whenever they make you feel less than. Your life still has value, your holidays are still magical, your vacations are still great even though the train tracks diverged from where you thought they were headed.
MeMail me if you need to vent. <3
posted by kimberussell at 3:11 PM on January 14, 2022 [12 favorites]
Volunteering with kids and hanging out with others' kids works for some people, but it didn't work for me for the longest time because it made me too sad, especially when dealing with kids whose parents weren't the greatest and I'd be thinking, "*they* could have a kid but *I* can't?" and that is NOT a healthy or compassionate way to think. Now I'm 49 and am better with that kind of thing. But at 36 I was not. I knew I was getting better at the loss when I started suggesting the names I wanted for my children to others. Now when I meet new Eleanors, Graces, Teddys, and Alexanders I smile and hope they take those names and soar with them.
Be gentle with yourself but firm with others whenever they make you feel less than. Your life still has value, your holidays are still magical, your vacations are still great even though the train tracks diverged from where you thought they were headed.
MeMail me if you need to vent. <3
posted by kimberussell at 3:11 PM on January 14, 2022 [12 favorites]
I recommend the work of Jody Day. Her book Living the Life Unexpected: How to find hope, meaning and a fulfilling future without children is really good, practical as well as thought-provoking. She also runs forums and in-person workshops for those that want them. For info and googling purposes - she (and I think maybe others in the field) tends to use the world childless for those who don't really want to be that way, and child-free for those who made a conscious, happy decision not to have children.
One of the early chapters of her book has lots of case studies of different childless women, which I found comforting because they made it clear that it was rarely a simple occurrence, but one that came about as a result of a huge variety of different, often overlapping factors, as you describe: Maybe Person A was in a relationship for years but it ended in her early 30s, then she was single while she got her head together, then she lost her job and couldn't afford the single parenthood that had been her fall-back; Maybe Person B wasn't sure about motherhood for a long time, but then met the love of her life and wanted it but found she had cancer and it was off the table. And so on. So many different ways that people end up in that situation.
You might find the concept of social infertility useful (ie. never meeting the right person to have kids with and not wanting/feeling able to be a single mother, and as a result being unable to have kids that you yearn for). I found comfort from discovering in Jody Day's book that she and many others had the same sympathy for people experiencing social infertility as they did for those experiencing physical infertility - I'd always felt like it was my own stupid fault for not finding a man so I didn't deserve any sympathy, so it was a comforting discovery to find out that other people were willing to extend compassion to me that I maybe hadn't been giving myself.
Also:
how other people conquered their own feelings of longing?
I don't think you do conquer them exactly. It's basically a form of grief, and the same rules apply. As time passes, the gaps between the painful bits get longer, but in the moments when it does strike, it hurts just as much. It certainly gets somewhat easier once you're past the point that everyone's posting baby pics and they move on to spending their entire lives driving people to swimming lessons while you put your feet up with a G&T.
Other things I've found helpful: The idea that everybody is missing something in their life - it's just that what that thing is, is different for everyone. For some, people it's the children they longed for but never got to have, for others it's financial security never attained, or good physical/mental health never secured, or a good relationship with a parent never experienced, or a sibling who passed too young... But it's different for everyone. So if you're feeling pain from comparing yourself too directly with others who have kids, remember to widen your focus, because we all have holes in our life, they're just not the same for everyone, and we don't always know what other people's holes are.
And finally... location. Living in a city with lots of activities going on, seems to be a good way to find other interesting people without kids who can drop everything and go for a hike or a drink or whatever, which makes you feel like your life is normal and awesome, and not just a failed version of the norm.
posted by penguin pie at 3:16 PM on January 14, 2022 [38 favorites]
One of the early chapters of her book has lots of case studies of different childless women, which I found comforting because they made it clear that it was rarely a simple occurrence, but one that came about as a result of a huge variety of different, often overlapping factors, as you describe: Maybe Person A was in a relationship for years but it ended in her early 30s, then she was single while she got her head together, then she lost her job and couldn't afford the single parenthood that had been her fall-back; Maybe Person B wasn't sure about motherhood for a long time, but then met the love of her life and wanted it but found she had cancer and it was off the table. And so on. So many different ways that people end up in that situation.
You might find the concept of social infertility useful (ie. never meeting the right person to have kids with and not wanting/feeling able to be a single mother, and as a result being unable to have kids that you yearn for). I found comfort from discovering in Jody Day's book that she and many others had the same sympathy for people experiencing social infertility as they did for those experiencing physical infertility - I'd always felt like it was my own stupid fault for not finding a man so I didn't deserve any sympathy, so it was a comforting discovery to find out that other people were willing to extend compassion to me that I maybe hadn't been giving myself.
Also:
how other people conquered their own feelings of longing?
I don't think you do conquer them exactly. It's basically a form of grief, and the same rules apply. As time passes, the gaps between the painful bits get longer, but in the moments when it does strike, it hurts just as much. It certainly gets somewhat easier once you're past the point that everyone's posting baby pics and they move on to spending their entire lives driving people to swimming lessons while you put your feet up with a G&T.
Other things I've found helpful: The idea that everybody is missing something in their life - it's just that what that thing is, is different for everyone. For some, people it's the children they longed for but never got to have, for others it's financial security never attained, or good physical/mental health never secured, or a good relationship with a parent never experienced, or a sibling who passed too young... But it's different for everyone. So if you're feeling pain from comparing yourself too directly with others who have kids, remember to widen your focus, because we all have holes in our life, they're just not the same for everyone, and we don't always know what other people's holes are.
And finally... location. Living in a city with lots of activities going on, seems to be a good way to find other interesting people without kids who can drop everything and go for a hike or a drink or whatever, which makes you feel like your life is normal and awesome, and not just a failed version of the norm.
posted by penguin pie at 3:16 PM on January 14, 2022 [38 favorites]
Warning that this comment is a bit grim & you're welcome to move your eyes passed it now if you want.
Almost every day something happens to me or I read something that makes me think "Oof well at least I don't also have a kid to drag through this too right now." All of the reasons you list, are not hypothetical future states, they're happening now. Instead of thinking about longing, which is actually your instinct talking, I think about the reality of the fact, that my eggs are good right where they are, safe & sound. It gives me a feeling of relief.
posted by bleep at 3:24 PM on January 14, 2022 [18 favorites]
Almost every day something happens to me or I read something that makes me think "Oof well at least I don't also have a kid to drag through this too right now." All of the reasons you list, are not hypothetical future states, they're happening now. Instead of thinking about longing, which is actually your instinct talking, I think about the reality of the fact, that my eggs are good right where they are, safe & sound. It gives me a feeling of relief.
posted by bleep at 3:24 PM on January 14, 2022 [18 favorites]
how other people conquered their own feelings of longing?
Just as a coda to my comment on this - I didn't really mean to give the impression that you just have to lump it. The Jody Day book does have a lot of specific exercises for this, to help you move through the grief process as kimberussell describes, helping you recognise the grief, define its outlines and dimensions so you can process it, rather than feeling a big old inchoate ball of feeling that you don't know what to do with. Which definitely helps in making it more manageable, and the passing of time also does to an extent.
posted by penguin pie at 3:33 PM on January 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Just as a coda to my comment on this - I didn't really mean to give the impression that you just have to lump it. The Jody Day book does have a lot of specific exercises for this, to help you move through the grief process as kimberussell describes, helping you recognise the grief, define its outlines and dimensions so you can process it, rather than feeling a big old inchoate ball of feeling that you don't know what to do with. Which definitely helps in making it more manageable, and the passing of time also does to an extent.
posted by penguin pie at 3:33 PM on January 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
36 was about the age when this hit me hardest, too.
I won’t lie and say the peace comes easily, but I just turned 40 and I can tell you that it found me eventually.
In addition to the great advice above, I’ll add this: you may find over time that many of your heroes are/were childless, and certainly not all by happy choice. Every time I read about someone whose legacy meant a lot to me, and then I discovered they didn’t have kids either, the loneliness and heartache seemed to turn down another notch. Those feelings will never be gone altogether, but living with them is a gentler prospect than it was four years ago.
You’re not alone, and my heart goes out to you.
posted by armeowda at 4:49 PM on January 14, 2022 [11 favorites]
I won’t lie and say the peace comes easily, but I just turned 40 and I can tell you that it found me eventually.
In addition to the great advice above, I’ll add this: you may find over time that many of your heroes are/were childless, and certainly not all by happy choice. Every time I read about someone whose legacy meant a lot to me, and then I discovered they didn’t have kids either, the loneliness and heartache seemed to turn down another notch. Those feelings will never be gone altogether, but living with them is a gentler prospect than it was four years ago.
You’re not alone, and my heart goes out to you.
posted by armeowda at 4:49 PM on January 14, 2022 [11 favorites]
I don't think you do conquer them exactly. It's basically a form of grief, and the same rules apply.
I have also experienced infertility. I first started to try to have children 10 years ago. Being childless not by your own choice is very different from being childless by choice - and it does involve serious grief. You haven't lost a child, but you have lost the dream, the life goals, the sense of who you imagined yourself to be (someone with children) - and that desire to have a child and parent is so very powerful.
But it's often unrecognized grief. The world doesn't see what you have lost because you didn't really have ever have it. But I've felt it, every time I think of the future, every time someone says, "well, you'd understand if you were a parent" or questions whether I know how to walk their toddler around the block safely. My family life has been strained as siblings and cousins have children and family events increasingly revolve around children. I'm also Jewish and so much revolves around having children; not only do we not have celibate clergy, but our very liturgy is full of "fathers and mothers" and "from generation to generation". (Which is something I need to bring to my synagogue - we have programs for young adults, families and retired people, but little for people between 35 and 65 who don't have children.)
Being around other people's children has not helped - it often serves just to remind me that I've not the parent. Maybe in a different society, where adults were expected to take care of children more collectively - and children were expected to listen to all adults - it would feel differently. But in my local subculture, what the-real-parent says goes, even when that's a terrible choice or ruining your vacation (I am definitely not vacationing with someone and their kid again).
So yeah, it's real grief. Being around people who are also childless helps, or people who have a healthy distance from their kids and will hang out without them and talk about things other than their kids, though ironically, it's not the kids who are the problem, it's usually the parents.
I also wonder: is it really too late? I'm older than you are and I haven't completely given up (mostly because I have one embryo from IVF left). But I also have a partner who wants children as much as I do. I think some of the others things you mention - having ADHD, being in a masters program - these are challenges, but not barriers. I think you still may have a chance to have a child - but only you can really know/decide whether it is possible for you, given your circumstances. (And I intend no judgement - just mentioning that there may be the possibility. Things do get harder after 35, celebrity babies aside - most are born using egg donors).
Sorry - this is a rambling comment. As people have said upthread - you'll never make complete peace with being childless (as opposed to childfree), just as one never makes peace with a premature death. I'm still not at peace, obviously. I am praying that I don't need to. But I can imagine that if it happens, it's something which maybe I will weather but never be fully settled with.
posted by jb at 5:41 PM on January 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
I have also experienced infertility. I first started to try to have children 10 years ago. Being childless not by your own choice is very different from being childless by choice - and it does involve serious grief. You haven't lost a child, but you have lost the dream, the life goals, the sense of who you imagined yourself to be (someone with children) - and that desire to have a child and parent is so very powerful.
But it's often unrecognized grief. The world doesn't see what you have lost because you didn't really have ever have it. But I've felt it, every time I think of the future, every time someone says, "well, you'd understand if you were a parent" or questions whether I know how to walk their toddler around the block safely. My family life has been strained as siblings and cousins have children and family events increasingly revolve around children. I'm also Jewish and so much revolves around having children; not only do we not have celibate clergy, but our very liturgy is full of "fathers and mothers" and "from generation to generation". (Which is something I need to bring to my synagogue - we have programs for young adults, families and retired people, but little for people between 35 and 65 who don't have children.)
Being around other people's children has not helped - it often serves just to remind me that I've not the parent. Maybe in a different society, where adults were expected to take care of children more collectively - and children were expected to listen to all adults - it would feel differently. But in my local subculture, what the-real-parent says goes, even when that's a terrible choice or ruining your vacation (I am definitely not vacationing with someone and their kid again).
So yeah, it's real grief. Being around people who are also childless helps, or people who have a healthy distance from their kids and will hang out without them and talk about things other than their kids, though ironically, it's not the kids who are the problem, it's usually the parents.
I also wonder: is it really too late? I'm older than you are and I haven't completely given up (mostly because I have one embryo from IVF left). But I also have a partner who wants children as much as I do. I think some of the others things you mention - having ADHD, being in a masters program - these are challenges, but not barriers. I think you still may have a chance to have a child - but only you can really know/decide whether it is possible for you, given your circumstances. (And I intend no judgement - just mentioning that there may be the possibility. Things do get harder after 35, celebrity babies aside - most are born using egg donors).
Sorry - this is a rambling comment. As people have said upthread - you'll never make complete peace with being childless (as opposed to childfree), just as one never makes peace with a premature death. I'm still not at peace, obviously. I am praying that I don't need to. But I can imagine that if it happens, it's something which maybe I will weather but never be fully settled with.
posted by jb at 5:41 PM on January 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
In case it helps: my infertility is partly physical, but also social. I couldn't start trying to have children because of illness and finances until I was in my late 30s, and that's when I discovered that my eggs had become senile. Maybe they were problematic the whole time, but as far as the specialists can tell, it's just due to my age.
Several of my friends have also experienced "social infertility" - lacking a partner, lacking the stability or situation where they could have a child. Their grief is the same.
posted by jb at 5:47 PM on January 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Several of my friends have also experienced "social infertility" - lacking a partner, lacking the stability or situation where they could have a child. Their grief is the same.
posted by jb at 5:47 PM on January 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Like others above, I found it very helpful to sit with the feelings of loss (in therapy, of course, because danged if I was going to do it on my own). It sucks, but trying to Not Acknowledge those feelings, also sucks more in the long term where they come back to bite you.
posted by ldthomps at 6:38 PM on January 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by ldthomps at 6:38 PM on January 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m 32 and was diagnosed with hormone positive breast cancer last year. I’m now on medication that will put me into early menopause so I’m not having any kids, either. Like you, the vast majority of my friends already have kids or want them. One friend started crying when I told her about my infertility, clutching at me and asking what I was going to do with my life instead of being anyone’s mother. That was, uh, An Experience.
Something that has worked for me so far is having many creative projects that feed my soul, things outside of school and work. I like to write. I’m on the board of our local heritage preservation society. I run an Instagram account with archival photos of my hometown. Not things that simply distract, but things that make you feel like you’re nourishing a deep, inner part of yourself.
And, honestly? I’ve put a bit of distance between myself and many of my new mom friends to protect my mental health. I am happy for them, and I send a gift, congratulations, and Skip the Dishes gift cards. If they’re local, I’ll drop off food once the baby is here. But I’ve really had to work on accepting that a lot of those relationships have fundamentally changed and it’s a time of life where I’m going to have to be my own best friend for a bit.
It’s been truly remarkable how often people, even people who love me and know about my situation will just casually say things to me like, “Christmas wasn’t really meaningful until I had kids” or “Being a mom is so much rewarding than [whatever they were doing before they got pregnant]” or “My life has purpose now that I’m a mother”. I get they’re speaking for themselves and not trying to be hurtful, but I still don’t find hearing those things to be super fun time. The distance has helped me to deal with the loss and sense of grief on my own terms. Maybe you don’t know any people that say these kinds of things, but I’ve found it helpful to just expect a certain amount of it.
I also think it helps to acknowledge and really confront the truth that while you may always have grief over not being a mother, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling, wonderful, multi-faceted life where you make new things and help others. As someone else here on MeFi once said to me - “not everything we give birth to wears diapers”.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 10:01 PM on January 14, 2022 [18 favorites]
Something that has worked for me so far is having many creative projects that feed my soul, things outside of school and work. I like to write. I’m on the board of our local heritage preservation society. I run an Instagram account with archival photos of my hometown. Not things that simply distract, but things that make you feel like you’re nourishing a deep, inner part of yourself.
And, honestly? I’ve put a bit of distance between myself and many of my new mom friends to protect my mental health. I am happy for them, and I send a gift, congratulations, and Skip the Dishes gift cards. If they’re local, I’ll drop off food once the baby is here. But I’ve really had to work on accepting that a lot of those relationships have fundamentally changed and it’s a time of life where I’m going to have to be my own best friend for a bit.
It’s been truly remarkable how often people, even people who love me and know about my situation will just casually say things to me like, “Christmas wasn’t really meaningful until I had kids” or “Being a mom is so much rewarding than [whatever they were doing before they got pregnant]” or “My life has purpose now that I’m a mother”. I get they’re speaking for themselves and not trying to be hurtful, but I still don’t find hearing those things to be super fun time. The distance has helped me to deal with the loss and sense of grief on my own terms. Maybe you don’t know any people that say these kinds of things, but I’ve found it helpful to just expect a certain amount of it.
I also think it helps to acknowledge and really confront the truth that while you may always have grief over not being a mother, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling, wonderful, multi-faceted life where you make new things and help others. As someone else here on MeFi once said to me - “not everything we give birth to wears diapers”.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 10:01 PM on January 14, 2022 [18 favorites]
Looking back from my childless 60s I have realized that I was never guaranteed happy, healthy, sensible, law abiding citizens even if I did have children. My rockstar fantasy children would probably never have existed.
A police officer once brought a friend of mine to my house late one night because she needed a place to stay. SWAT has her house surrounded and she couldn't go back until they got her drug addled son out of the basement. He's been in and out of jail since then, still tall and handsome and utterly charming even in his orange prison uniform. Another friend confessed that his intelligent, drop dead gorgeous daughter really wasn't a very nice person.
After many painful, frustrating years of trying to get a diagnosis another has chronic Lyme disease.
My point is that, should you have a rosy colored imagination like mine, try not to torture yourself with idealized versions of what could be, it could just as easily be less delightful than what you're imagining.
posted by BoscosMom at 11:21 PM on January 14, 2022 [12 favorites]
A police officer once brought a friend of mine to my house late one night because she needed a place to stay. SWAT has her house surrounded and she couldn't go back until they got her drug addled son out of the basement. He's been in and out of jail since then, still tall and handsome and utterly charming even in his orange prison uniform. Another friend confessed that his intelligent, drop dead gorgeous daughter really wasn't a very nice person.
After many painful, frustrating years of trying to get a diagnosis another has chronic Lyme disease.
My point is that, should you have a rosy colored imagination like mine, try not to torture yourself with idealized versions of what could be, it could just as easily be less delightful than what you're imagining.
posted by BoscosMom at 11:21 PM on January 14, 2022 [12 favorites]
This is a really good question. I had to struggle with this after a very wanted pregnancy ended in a difficult miscarriage. I can disclose that I did end up later having a child, which I guess to some people that would mean I’m disqualified from submitting an answer to this but in the time between I spent a long time grappling with the idea of not ever having a kid, or trying again and just having a series of pregnancies never resulting in a baby.
What helped a lot at the time and what I think about with some regularity now is that there are a lot of things that you can’t do as easily if you have a kid. It’s not better or worse, just different. A life is still worthy without children and you can still have a wonderful time on this planet without them. You don’t need children in order to experience the things that people typically associate with children like making holidays magical, having cute items around the house, going to amusement parks, or having a family. Families of one person and a bird, or two adults, or one person and their best friend are still families whether or not they fit the stereotypical definition. It took me a lot of hours of reminding myself of that to come to terms with the fact that we may not have been able to have a kid, and only after I came to terms with that was I able to feel comfortable opening up to sharing love again with the world while expecting that I would be childless.
posted by donut_princess at 7:16 AM on January 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
What helped a lot at the time and what I think about with some regularity now is that there are a lot of things that you can’t do as easily if you have a kid. It’s not better or worse, just different. A life is still worthy without children and you can still have a wonderful time on this planet without them. You don’t need children in order to experience the things that people typically associate with children like making holidays magical, having cute items around the house, going to amusement parks, or having a family. Families of one person and a bird, or two adults, or one person and their best friend are still families whether or not they fit the stereotypical definition. It took me a lot of hours of reminding myself of that to come to terms with the fact that we may not have been able to have a kid, and only after I came to terms with that was I able to feel comfortable opening up to sharing love again with the world while expecting that I would be childless.
posted by donut_princess at 7:16 AM on January 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
I am child free mainly by choice. My partner really doesn't want kids, and I don't have strong feelings- had I fallen for a different person, perhaps I'd be trying to get pregnant now. But I am also your age and do feeling a growing sense of "ugh, will I regret this choice later?" I think because I know statistically I am in the period of "use it or lose it" (assuming my fertility isn't already gone) the decision feels more weighty.
What I've find helpful is consuming all the media out there related to the topic of motherhood that provides a more raw, less sentimental view of it. Despite some of the titles of these, I promise they aren't' anti-kids.
Podcasts: Death, Sex, and Money did an episode on infertility/IVF.
TV: The Letdown (my favorite of this genre), Breeders, Working Moms
Film: The Lost Daughter
Standup: Ali Wong's two specials
I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but I have found these fictional depictions useful for imaging better what it is I'm losing as well as gaining from not having kids.
posted by coffeecat at 3:11 PM on January 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
What I've find helpful is consuming all the media out there related to the topic of motherhood that provides a more raw, less sentimental view of it. Despite some of the titles of these, I promise they aren't' anti-kids.
Podcasts: Death, Sex, and Money did an episode on infertility/IVF.
TV: The Letdown (my favorite of this genre), Breeders, Working Moms
Film: The Lost Daughter
Standup: Ali Wong's two specials
I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but I have found these fictional depictions useful for imaging better what it is I'm losing as well as gaining from not having kids.
posted by coffeecat at 3:11 PM on January 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
Thank you for asking this question and also to everyone who answered it. If you, like me and coffeecat, enjoy reading unvarnished depictions of motherhood, I can recommend the book And Now We Have Everything by Meagan O'Connell and the movie Diane.
And now for my own rambling thoughts on the matter, because I'm in a similar place to you. The tl;dr: Maybe I could still have kids someday, but probably not and I am mostly okay with that i am pretty sure?
I'm 40. I find myself struggling with the same question of will I, can I, do I want to, and while I guess I lean towards no for all sorts of reasons, and i don't really have baby fever, I do still feel pangs of wait... I love kids! what if i am heartbroken later because i didn't get baby fever before it was too late?? I love kids! How can I not take that to the supposedly ultimate form of love for kids: parenting??? This is what the parenting industrial complex has drilled into us. But also, it wasn't a choice most women could make for themselves until pretty recently. Women didn't have the same career and travel and financially independent lifestyle options until very recently.
Up through my early/mid 30s, I always imagined having kids, because that's just what you do right? I was very career focused and not in a hurry, and then I was in a long relationship that ended unexpectedly , and then I spent a long time being mostly single. Now I'm in a newish relationship that feels like a keeper, and these thoughts are heavy in my mind again, with an annoying urgency that looms too large. I honestly envy my friends who have always been been firmly rooted on one side or the other of the want/don't want side of the spectrum, where I am stuck in the middle. My partner is fairly ambivalent leaning no, but he urges me to think hard about it, because if I said I absolutely wanted to have kids, then he would think harder about whether he absolutely didn't. I appreciate his supportiveness and I still find myself shrugging and struggling with it.
Here's the stuff that is getting me comfortable with the idea of firming up on "it's not gonna happen for me"
I absolutely love hanging out with kids- people marvel at how good I am with them even... But increasingly, I have started allowing myself to absolutely revel in the joy of *leaving them behind.* I can show up, be entertaining and entertained, and then just leave whenever I want to! I can be generally a lot less worried about money. The parents are stuck picking up legos covered in mashed peas and I can take a last minute trip anywhere I want to go. I love my parent friends, but all they can talk about is their kids, i'm like starting to come to the conclusion that huh.... I get to make up all sorts of adventures for myself and Honestly my life seems comparatively great?! This feeling is even better when the kids are acting like little terrors. I smile to myself inside, say a little prayer for my friends and their offspring, and go home and do *WHATEVER I WANT* Soon enough, it starts to feel like I am a genius who is winning the lottery of life while everybody else got tricked into paying too much for childcare in a country that's actively hostile to children (America).
I guess I'm replacing the feeling of "why can't i just be A MOM" with honoring this different more unconventional path that provides greater freedom. It's a freedom that was hard-won by all the unconventional women before me, and I'm grateful for that.
I have always found the ideas of the biological process of pregnancy and childbirth kinda gross & overwhelming, and because my career has been mostly in tech, I have known a disproportionate number of men, and the count of them who have told me "having kids was a huge mistake!" was.... most of the men i knew with children over 5. I suspect that only men feel comfortable saying this sort of thing out loud. Like Boscosmom notes above, there are no guarantees that all parenting experiences are gonna turn out great. I have a pair of teenaged cousins with very severe non-verbal autism. To me, ending up in this sort of situation is way more terrifying than I'd like to admit, and I have always hated this feeling of pity I have for my favorite aunt who won't ever have an empty nest. I look at the rest of my adult cousins (i figure we're related, so they are a pool of people I should have above average affinity for) and while they're fine to catch up with for a few hours at the holidays, I wouldn't have wanted to spend 18+years raising any of them.
I'm also stressed about the future of the planet and the politics everywhere seem to be increasingly nightmarish and more terrifying. I can only imagine that having kids would exacerbate these anxieties. At this point it almost feels better & safer to not to have them. I feel for these little kids and all they are grappling with and what they will have to grapple with as the planet heats up. While I'm angry that some days it feels like society is making the decision for me, I think I am increasingly okay with sparing any potential offspring from all the troubles.
I will say that even at 40, I don't feel like the door is fully closed to me. The statistics that get thrown around about women's fertility are pretty old, and plenty of women have children between 35 and 45.
I confess that I felt a tinge of disappointment recently when i was like like hmmm shouldn't i have gotten my period now??? And then I took a pregnancy test that turned up negative and then i got my period later that day. At least then I'd have something concrete to react to. As i write this I am considering proposing to my boyfriend that we do a rock paper scissors best of three and discuss the results next time the topic comes up. I've also felt tinges of something like wonder when my friends describe their deep and incomparable (and physically induced!) love for their children. It seems to me like having a kid is almost like a very powerful sort of internal MDMA that lasts a lifetime. Some parents do make it sound pretty rad, but this article from the onion has stuck with me for a really long time. And it keeps going after they're out of the womb
As a definite accident who turned out mostly pretty good, I have sort of felt like, well....whatever will be will be. Maybe this is unhealthy avoidance against making a firm decision, but also our time on this earth and what we leave behind is so tiny in the long run. Life will continue, even if my particular genetics get off the train at this stop and catch a submarine to a desert oasis instead. That sounds pretty fun now that i think about it. Perhaps me and my people have peaked, and this is me going out on top. My bloodline ends with me!
All this to say, I guess I am a little sad about probably not having kids, but there's definitely silver linings to being without child if you are trying to look on the bright side and willing to laugh through your tears from time to time.
Anyway feel free to memail me if you want to chat through ambivalence. I'm very fun.
posted by wowenthusiast at 8:55 PM on January 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
And now for my own rambling thoughts on the matter, because I'm in a similar place to you. The tl;dr: Maybe I could still have kids someday, but probably not and I am mostly okay with that i am pretty sure?
I'm 40. I find myself struggling with the same question of will I, can I, do I want to, and while I guess I lean towards no for all sorts of reasons, and i don't really have baby fever, I do still feel pangs of wait... I love kids! what if i am heartbroken later because i didn't get baby fever before it was too late?? I love kids! How can I not take that to the supposedly ultimate form of love for kids: parenting??? This is what the parenting industrial complex has drilled into us. But also, it wasn't a choice most women could make for themselves until pretty recently. Women didn't have the same career and travel and financially independent lifestyle options until very recently.
Up through my early/mid 30s, I always imagined having kids, because that's just what you do right? I was very career focused and not in a hurry, and then I was in a long relationship that ended unexpectedly , and then I spent a long time being mostly single. Now I'm in a newish relationship that feels like a keeper, and these thoughts are heavy in my mind again, with an annoying urgency that looms too large. I honestly envy my friends who have always been been firmly rooted on one side or the other of the want/don't want side of the spectrum, where I am stuck in the middle. My partner is fairly ambivalent leaning no, but he urges me to think hard about it, because if I said I absolutely wanted to have kids, then he would think harder about whether he absolutely didn't. I appreciate his supportiveness and I still find myself shrugging and struggling with it.
Here's the stuff that is getting me comfortable with the idea of firming up on "it's not gonna happen for me"
I absolutely love hanging out with kids- people marvel at how good I am with them even... But increasingly, I have started allowing myself to absolutely revel in the joy of *leaving them behind.* I can show up, be entertaining and entertained, and then just leave whenever I want to! I can be generally a lot less worried about money. The parents are stuck picking up legos covered in mashed peas and I can take a last minute trip anywhere I want to go. I love my parent friends, but all they can talk about is their kids, i'm like starting to come to the conclusion that huh.... I get to make up all sorts of adventures for myself and Honestly my life seems comparatively great?! This feeling is even better when the kids are acting like little terrors. I smile to myself inside, say a little prayer for my friends and their offspring, and go home and do *WHATEVER I WANT* Soon enough, it starts to feel like I am a genius who is winning the lottery of life while everybody else got tricked into paying too much for childcare in a country that's actively hostile to children (America).
I guess I'm replacing the feeling of "why can't i just be A MOM" with honoring this different more unconventional path that provides greater freedom. It's a freedom that was hard-won by all the unconventional women before me, and I'm grateful for that.
I have always found the ideas of the biological process of pregnancy and childbirth kinda gross & overwhelming, and because my career has been mostly in tech, I have known a disproportionate number of men, and the count of them who have told me "having kids was a huge mistake!" was.... most of the men i knew with children over 5. I suspect that only men feel comfortable saying this sort of thing out loud. Like Boscosmom notes above, there are no guarantees that all parenting experiences are gonna turn out great. I have a pair of teenaged cousins with very severe non-verbal autism. To me, ending up in this sort of situation is way more terrifying than I'd like to admit, and I have always hated this feeling of pity I have for my favorite aunt who won't ever have an empty nest. I look at the rest of my adult cousins (i figure we're related, so they are a pool of people I should have above average affinity for) and while they're fine to catch up with for a few hours at the holidays, I wouldn't have wanted to spend 18+years raising any of them.
I'm also stressed about the future of the planet and the politics everywhere seem to be increasingly nightmarish and more terrifying. I can only imagine that having kids would exacerbate these anxieties. At this point it almost feels better & safer to not to have them. I feel for these little kids and all they are grappling with and what they will have to grapple with as the planet heats up. While I'm angry that some days it feels like society is making the decision for me, I think I am increasingly okay with sparing any potential offspring from all the troubles.
I will say that even at 40, I don't feel like the door is fully closed to me. The statistics that get thrown around about women's fertility are pretty old, and plenty of women have children between 35 and 45.
I confess that I felt a tinge of disappointment recently when i was like like hmmm shouldn't i have gotten my period now??? And then I took a pregnancy test that turned up negative and then i got my period later that day. At least then I'd have something concrete to react to. As i write this I am considering proposing to my boyfriend that we do a rock paper scissors best of three and discuss the results next time the topic comes up. I've also felt tinges of something like wonder when my friends describe their deep and incomparable (and physically induced!) love for their children. It seems to me like having a kid is almost like a very powerful sort of internal MDMA that lasts a lifetime. Some parents do make it sound pretty rad, but this article from the onion has stuck with me for a really long time. And it keeps going after they're out of the womb
As a definite accident who turned out mostly pretty good, I have sort of felt like, well....whatever will be will be. Maybe this is unhealthy avoidance against making a firm decision, but also our time on this earth and what we leave behind is so tiny in the long run. Life will continue, even if my particular genetics get off the train at this stop and catch a submarine to a desert oasis instead. That sounds pretty fun now that i think about it. Perhaps me and my people have peaked, and this is me going out on top. My bloodline ends with me!
All this to say, I guess I am a little sad about probably not having kids, but there's definitely silver linings to being without child if you are trying to look on the bright side and willing to laugh through your tears from time to time.
Anyway feel free to memail me if you want to chat through ambivalence. I'm very fun.
posted by wowenthusiast at 8:55 PM on January 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
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My main suggestion is to make friends with other women who don't have children or whose children are grown up. I enjoy having friends who aren't in the 'sprogs and marriage' stage, and my childless-not-by-choice friend has really valued knowing people whose lives habve a different focus. She and her partner also have a dog and a cat which they find helpful, and niblings/honorary niblings who they love but don't find helpful.
The only other ancillary things I recommend are refusing to fall for weird guilt trips over not having children (for example it's not selfish, no matter what the Pope says), and just living the life you want to even if that is absurdly boring and ordinary as mine. You do not need to do anything amazing with the time you might otherwise spend on children, you can just spend it living.
posted by plonkee at 2:27 PM on January 14, 2022 [20 favorites]