What to call a partner when partner is not what you want to call them
January 8, 2022 11:36 PM Subscribe
I have a boyfriend and I also am the proud new haver of a girlfriend. My boyfriend and my girlfriend are also…boyfriend and girlfriend. What the hell should we refer to each other as when speaking about one another?
For now I’ve just been saying boyfriend and girlfriend but it sounds a little juvenile/silly, especially because sometimes women refer to their friends as their girlfriends and I want to be clear that she is not just a friend. I HATE PARTNER. It really grinds my gears for some reason. I also hate anything overtly ridiculous such as lover or paramour. Any ideas?
For now I’ve just been saying boyfriend and girlfriend but it sounds a little juvenile/silly, especially because sometimes women refer to their friends as their girlfriends and I want to be clear that she is not just a friend. I HATE PARTNER. It really grinds my gears for some reason. I also hate anything overtly ridiculous such as lover or paramour. Any ideas?
A mild term of endearment can work. One friend uses “sweetie” for this, and even the first time she talked about her two sweeties, I knew exactly what she meant.
posted by nat at 11:50 PM on January 8, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by nat at 11:50 PM on January 8, 2022 [11 favorites]
I think the French say something like "friend", but they mean "special friend". "These are my special friends". Just don't say it like it's a joke :) That's what matters, and that's the sole reason these other words can sound non-serious -- a history of other people treating them like they're not serious.
posted by amtho at 12:14 AM on January 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by amtho at 12:14 AM on January 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
Couples often refer to their "other half", so why can't throuples refer to their "other third"?
posted by underclocked at 12:18 AM on January 9, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by underclocked at 12:18 AM on January 9, 2022 [8 favorites]
I have two boyfriends I call Sweetie and Darling.
Sweetie has introduced us as "My Lady and My Guy."
I also can then my Loves.
posted by luckynerd at 1:33 AM on January 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
Sweetie has introduced us as "My Lady and My Guy."
I also can then my Loves.
posted by luckynerd at 1:33 AM on January 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
Significant other/SO is decent in writing, though it doesn't exactly trip off the tongue
posted by february at 4:58 AM on January 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by february at 4:58 AM on January 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
It depends on who you're talking to so ymmv, but "our third" might work. Unfortunately there aren't that many words in English that are both practical and non-smarmy for this kind of thing. You could also use "companion" or "sweetheart", maybe?
posted by fight or flight at 5:43 AM on January 9, 2022
posted by fight or flight at 5:43 AM on January 9, 2022
Some of my friends don't use relationship indicators at all; they just use names. They don't think it's necessary to inform everyone they talk to whom they're having sex with and enjoy keeping people wondering.
(Please do not use "our third;" that defines one of your partners as only existing in the context of your other relationship, and that's not cool.)
(And how do we get straight women to recognize that using "girlfriend" in reference to platonic connections is a form of queer erasure?)
posted by metasarah at 5:59 AM on January 9, 2022 [23 favorites]
(Please do not use "our third;" that defines one of your partners as only existing in the context of your other relationship, and that's not cool.)
(And how do we get straight women to recognize that using "girlfriend" in reference to platonic connections is a form of queer erasure?)
posted by metasarah at 5:59 AM on January 9, 2022 [23 favorites]
Consort
If it's good enough for royalty...
posted by phunniemee at 6:05 AM on January 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
If it's good enough for royalty...
posted by phunniemee at 6:05 AM on January 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
(Please do not use "our third;" that defines one of your partners as only existing in the context of your other relationship, and that's not cool.)
In the non-monogamous circles I'm in this is an acceptable way to refer to people and (speaking as someone who has been in that position) isn't usually meant in that way, but rather as an acknowledgement that they make up the third part of a whole (rather like "my other half" as stated above). I would consult with both partners before using it though, for that reason, but I assumed OP would be doing that anyway. Like I said, it depends who OP is talking to and how aware they are of their whole setup.
posted by fight or flight at 6:08 AM on January 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
In the non-monogamous circles I'm in this is an acceptable way to refer to people and (speaking as someone who has been in that position) isn't usually meant in that way, but rather as an acknowledgement that they make up the third part of a whole (rather like "my other half" as stated above). I would consult with both partners before using it though, for that reason, but I assumed OP would be doing that anyway. Like I said, it depends who OP is talking to and how aware they are of their whole setup.
posted by fight or flight at 6:08 AM on January 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
Well there's always Love-Ahs. Seriously though how about my loves? "This is my love Bob, and this is my love Michelle (or whatever)" I kind of like what metasarah said, you don't need to define it for others, it's yours and it makes you happy.
posted by evilDoug at 7:42 AM on January 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by evilDoug at 7:42 AM on January 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
My son refers to his as his boyfriends and girlfriends. This unfortunately leads to some confusion.
"My boyfriend and I are going away for the weekend."
"Sebastian or Paul?"
"Er, no."
"Have I heard of this one?"
"I don't think so. Mark?"
It's no better with his girlfriends.
Unless you know for sure that they are realllly long term stable relationships, and that you are not also part of an ever expanding polycule, you may want to just refer to them as "My boyfriend Paul" and "My boyfriend Seb," etc.
When referring to Paul's relationship with your girlfriend Luna, you can refer to her as our girlfriend Luna.
There are two pieces of information you need to convey, that the person you are referring to is a significant other, second to none, and also which specific individual they are. In this culture wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend and partner are the dominant terms that let your listener place the significance of the individual to indicate that if you have promised them something it is more important to you than your other friends or your stupid job and that this is someone they should assume has a house key. If you use any other terms than the first four they do not accurately convey what the relationship. Partner is no longer problematic but I remember when people started using it and most people hearing the word assumed it was a business partnership and asked friendly questions before being shut down with the realisation that it was a non gender specific term, leaving some of them to grumble silently, "Why just didn't you say it was your boyfriend. I already know you go with guys..." Before we ever used the word partner we used the word lover with a specifier of live-in lover, vs just plain lover.
If you overthink this and come up with some unique or personal term you run the risk of sounding twee. "My little pumpkin", "my domme", "the old ball and chain", "my dear one" etc will make most people nod and silently feel that you think you are being cute and it would be rude to indicate that they really don't need to know the exact details of how you've structured the relationship. This means any word you use will suffice. The same people who object to you not picking up a shift because you promised to help "my dear one" move will still object if you made plans to help "my grandmom", Clarence, or "my best mate" or "a really dear friend who is now a girl friend who saved my life during Covid lockdown."
You can almost always simply get away with the person's name. Either the one you are talking to knows that you have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, or they don't. Either they don't care, or they want an update on the latest. There is no term that will prevent all confusion and forestall questions about how you order your life, but boyfriend and girlfriend are the closest ones that we use in English. You can use them the way you would use the words sister and brother, assuming you have more than one of each. When clarity is required you add the individual's name.
I can understand your dislike of the term boyfriend or girlfriend. Somehow it minimizes the relationship and the people, like when and older person gushingly asks "Is that your little friend?" The obvious alternatives would be husband and wife. But people still make a distinction between common law partners and formally married ones, even though at this point the law does not and a monogamous common law relationship can be held equivalent to a married relationship. And of course many people have multiple marriages in their lifetime so in practice calling someone a husband or wife only indicates that right now you intend to stay partners. But those terms still probably seem so strong and so definite and so permanent they don't feel right either.
Ask your partners what term they want. Just like you ask them what they want to be called and don't use nicknames or given names if they prefer you avoid them, you're on safe ground using whatever term they prefer. It doesn't matter how YOU feel about it, as much as how they feel about. If they can tell you what term they want you to use are good to go.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:27 AM on January 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
"My boyfriend and I are going away for the weekend."
"Sebastian or Paul?"
"Er, no."
"Have I heard of this one?"
"I don't think so. Mark?"
It's no better with his girlfriends.
Unless you know for sure that they are realllly long term stable relationships, and that you are not also part of an ever expanding polycule, you may want to just refer to them as "My boyfriend Paul" and "My boyfriend Seb," etc.
When referring to Paul's relationship with your girlfriend Luna, you can refer to her as our girlfriend Luna.
There are two pieces of information you need to convey, that the person you are referring to is a significant other, second to none, and also which specific individual they are. In this culture wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend and partner are the dominant terms that let your listener place the significance of the individual to indicate that if you have promised them something it is more important to you than your other friends or your stupid job and that this is someone they should assume has a house key. If you use any other terms than the first four they do not accurately convey what the relationship. Partner is no longer problematic but I remember when people started using it and most people hearing the word assumed it was a business partnership and asked friendly questions before being shut down with the realisation that it was a non gender specific term, leaving some of them to grumble silently, "Why just didn't you say it was your boyfriend. I already know you go with guys..." Before we ever used the word partner we used the word lover with a specifier of live-in lover, vs just plain lover.
If you overthink this and come up with some unique or personal term you run the risk of sounding twee. "My little pumpkin", "my domme", "the old ball and chain", "my dear one" etc will make most people nod and silently feel that you think you are being cute and it would be rude to indicate that they really don't need to know the exact details of how you've structured the relationship. This means any word you use will suffice. The same people who object to you not picking up a shift because you promised to help "my dear one" move will still object if you made plans to help "my grandmom", Clarence, or "my best mate" or "a really dear friend who is now a girl friend who saved my life during Covid lockdown."
You can almost always simply get away with the person's name. Either the one you are talking to knows that you have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, or they don't. Either they don't care, or they want an update on the latest. There is no term that will prevent all confusion and forestall questions about how you order your life, but boyfriend and girlfriend are the closest ones that we use in English. You can use them the way you would use the words sister and brother, assuming you have more than one of each. When clarity is required you add the individual's name.
I can understand your dislike of the term boyfriend or girlfriend. Somehow it minimizes the relationship and the people, like when and older person gushingly asks "Is that your little friend?" The obvious alternatives would be husband and wife. But people still make a distinction between common law partners and formally married ones, even though at this point the law does not and a monogamous common law relationship can be held equivalent to a married relationship. And of course many people have multiple marriages in their lifetime so in practice calling someone a husband or wife only indicates that right now you intend to stay partners. But those terms still probably seem so strong and so definite and so permanent they don't feel right either.
Ask your partners what term they want. Just like you ask them what they want to be called and don't use nicknames or given names if they prefer you avoid them, you're on safe ground using whatever term they prefer. It doesn't matter how YOU feel about it, as much as how they feel about. If they can tell you what term they want you to use are good to go.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:27 AM on January 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
My dad used to call these possolcues and poznolcues depending on whether the person was a live-in, based on the government/IRS designation acronym of POSSLQ - Person of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters (and therefore by extension) POSNLQ Person of Opposite Sex Not Sharing Living Quarters... this was before the time when the government acknowledged POSSSLQs, but it still works and the extra hissing involved would probably be a lot of fun.
Then again, you'd have to do just as much explaining the term as you already do the relationship, so I don't know if it's worth it. My mom was never as much of a fan of it as my dad was :)
posted by Mchelly at 11:42 AM on January 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
Then again, you'd have to do just as much explaining the term as you already do the relationship, so I don't know if it's worth it. My mom was never as much of a fan of it as my dad was :)
posted by Mchelly at 11:42 AM on January 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
My unmarried but life partnered friends all use the terms boyfriend and girlfriend and I have never thought they sounded juvenile.
posted by gideonfrog at 11:50 AM on January 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by gideonfrog at 11:50 AM on January 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
With friends and family, where you can establish the jargon and then use it without having to explain each time: beau/belle?
Empathy about “partner” - it’s what I use for my AMAB-but-not-tightly-male-identified fiancé. When I started using it, I felt so uncomfortable - the word itself just seemed awkward and emotionless. We have a loving term we use for each other that I use with close friends (beloved), but it is hard to describe intimates to strangers without falling back on boy/girlfriend. Also, congrats on your lovely relationships! How exciting and delightful for you all.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:21 PM on January 9, 2022
Empathy about “partner” - it’s what I use for my AMAB-but-not-tightly-male-identified fiancé. When I started using it, I felt so uncomfortable - the word itself just seemed awkward and emotionless. We have a loving term we use for each other that I use with close friends (beloved), but it is hard to describe intimates to strangers without falling back on boy/girlfriend. Also, congrats on your lovely relationships! How exciting and delightful for you all.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:21 PM on January 9, 2022
This is pretty English (Yorkshire?), but 'my missus' and/or 'my fella'.
posted by guessthis at 6:16 AM on January 10, 2022
posted by guessthis at 6:16 AM on January 10, 2022
WRT amtho's point, the movie Crying Game used the phrase "special friend" (in a context where either "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" would have been inappropriate) and I thought that was perfect.
posted by adamrice at 7:02 AM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by adamrice at 7:02 AM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'd use boyfriend, girlfriend, or enbyfriend as applicable. It's seriously obnoxious that cis straight women have managed to shift "girlfriend" as said by a woman to being a female friend, I have this moment every time where I hope that I've just run into a poly lesbian and then, so much heterosexism, but I don't have an answer for it other than just making clear that no, girlfriend denotes a dating relationship, like when men say it.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:01 AM on January 10, 2022
posted by bile and syntax at 9:01 AM on January 10, 2022
I like the term 'joyfriend' though I'm not sure it solves all your problems.
posted by hydra77 at 10:21 AM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by hydra77 at 10:21 AM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Significant other" does have a long tradition behind it. If someone introduced me to "one of my significant others" I would know immediately where things stood.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:59 AM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:59 AM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
In our friend group, we refer to "special man friends" and "special lady friends." It started sort of ironically because a long-partnered couple was not married and at the same time, some of us did not want to define whatever we had going on (and there was a lot going on) and it all fit so now it's unironic.
posted by *s at 2:55 PM on January 11, 2022
posted by *s at 2:55 PM on January 11, 2022
People I know who are involved in polyamorous circles usually use “datemate” when they don’t use boyfriend/girlfriend.
posted by verbminx at 9:44 PM on January 11, 2022
posted by verbminx at 9:44 PM on January 11, 2022
« Older Buying an electric guitar after 15 year hiatus. | ID a snarky French Lullaby, "please just god damn... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I like it because it's gender-neutral and ambiguous in formality. It could mean anything! But it's definitely romantical!
posted by lloquat at 11:44 PM on January 8, 2022 [3 favorites]