How to discuss home life with your coworkers when you're polyamorous
December 19, 2016 11:55 AM Subscribe
I've been polyamorous for a long time, and kept it quiet at work for most of that time because it's seemed unprofessional to do otherwise. But now I work at the kind of place where my teammates and I all know the names of each other's partners and kids's partners and parents and pets and blah blah blah — and I'm in a serious, stable, committed long-term relationship with two people who I hope to spend the rest of my life with, so hiding the existence of one of those two people is starting to feel Real Weird. I also expect to stay at this company for a long time. How can I navigate this situation other than "Keep lying forever"?
It's a very liberal company in a very liberal city in a very blue state, and I have zero worry about getting fired or actively discriminated against for being openly poly. I also have no particular interest in making A Big Announcement to people I don't know well, though if people beyond my immediate circle of contacts do find out it won't be a big deal. Really I'd just like to be able to tell my teammates over lunch how I spent my weekend without lying or constant vigilance lest I reveal too much, or share family photos and mention anniversaries and whatnot without awkwardness. Pretending that one of my partners is a "roommate" or "friend" or whatever is of course an option, but it's not one I'm especially fond of.
My main worry is making people uncomfortable. I'm trying to strike a balance here: on the one hand, I do have a right to be as honest about my life as everyone else here is with theirs, and I am willing to push back a little in order to stand up for that right; on the other hand, I would rather not create more conflict or discomfort than is necessary. I'm also hoping to do this in a way that protects my comfort at work. I'm willing to do some educating and I know from past coming-out experiences that awkward questions are inevitable, but I'd also like to be able to maintain some boundaries around this — boundaries that are normal and expected for monogamous people, but that some people might feel entitled to cross in the presence of something as omg-scandalous as polyamory, like "Don't ask me at work about the details of my sex life."
My immediate teammates are liberal white New England women in their 40s through 60s, who I like very much and get along very well with. I am the youngest member of the team by ten years, and am openly queer and trans while the rest of the team are cis and straight. Being openly trans has been 100% Not An Issue here, which gives me hope for this thing, but I never actually had to come out as trans because you can tell just by looking at me, so I'm still kind of at a loss as to how to proceed.
It's a very liberal company in a very liberal city in a very blue state, and I have zero worry about getting fired or actively discriminated against for being openly poly. I also have no particular interest in making A Big Announcement to people I don't know well, though if people beyond my immediate circle of contacts do find out it won't be a big deal. Really I'd just like to be able to tell my teammates over lunch how I spent my weekend without lying or constant vigilance lest I reveal too much, or share family photos and mention anniversaries and whatnot without awkwardness. Pretending that one of my partners is a "roommate" or "friend" or whatever is of course an option, but it's not one I'm especially fond of.
My main worry is making people uncomfortable. I'm trying to strike a balance here: on the one hand, I do have a right to be as honest about my life as everyone else here is with theirs, and I am willing to push back a little in order to stand up for that right; on the other hand, I would rather not create more conflict or discomfort than is necessary. I'm also hoping to do this in a way that protects my comfort at work. I'm willing to do some educating and I know from past coming-out experiences that awkward questions are inevitable, but I'd also like to be able to maintain some boundaries around this — boundaries that are normal and expected for monogamous people, but that some people might feel entitled to cross in the presence of something as omg-scandalous as polyamory, like "Don't ask me at work about the details of my sex life."
My immediate teammates are liberal white New England women in their 40s through 60s, who I like very much and get along very well with. I am the youngest member of the team by ten years, and am openly queer and trans while the rest of the team are cis and straight. Being openly trans has been 100% Not An Issue here, which gives me hope for this thing, but I never actually had to come out as trans because you can tell just by looking at me, so I'm still kind of at a loss as to how to proceed.
If there was no problem with you being trans, I doubt there will be a problem with polyamory.
posted by LauraJ at 12:27 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by LauraJ at 12:27 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: polyamory is a personal detail beyond what I would want to know about my coworkers.
I'm aware that a lot of people feel that way, and I'm willing to accommodate that feeling up to a point. But "keep lying about my family forever" is farther than I'm willing to go.
If there was no problem with you being trans, I doubt there will be a problem with polyamory.
I mean, I'm not expecting problems. I just have no idea how to actually approach telling people!
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:30 PM on December 19, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'm aware that a lot of people feel that way, and I'm willing to accommodate that feeling up to a point. But "keep lying about my family forever" is farther than I'm willing to go.
If there was no problem with you being trans, I doubt there will be a problem with polyamory.
I mean, I'm not expecting problems. I just have no idea how to actually approach telling people!
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:30 PM on December 19, 2016 [7 favorites]
Polyamory isn't a personal detail that would mortally offend me in the work place, HOWEVER, I'm kind of nosy, so if a coworker wanted me to know they were in a polyamorous relationship I would probably appreciate feeling like I could ask a question or two about it.
posted by cakelite at 12:35 PM on December 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 12:35 PM on December 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
I would approach it casually. If someone asks about how your partner is doing, "so and so are doing great. The three of us did this cool thing." Keep it professional and you'll be fine.
posted by Marinara at 12:38 PM on December 19, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Marinara at 12:38 PM on December 19, 2016 [7 favorites]
I don't know what your poly structure looks like, but a coworker at my buttoned-down, but generally socially liberal workplace "came out" as being poly to me by mentioning how she and her husband and her boyfriend were all hanging out and watching a movie that weekend.
[SIGNIFICANT PAUSE]
And then I nodded, and she told me what everyone thought, and what they had for dinner.
Granted, both my coworker and me are much younger, and there are a lot more poly people in our age bracket/we met because of a mutual friend who is the one (1) out queer person at our workplace so familiarity with poly stuff was more likely. But I think the key elements she made sure to hit were, "these are people in my life, and everything is above board, and here's the terminology that I use, LET'S GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT HARRY POTTER."
posted by joyceanmachine at 12:39 PM on December 19, 2016 [64 favorites]
[SIGNIFICANT PAUSE]
And then I nodded, and she told me what everyone thought, and what they had for dinner.
Granted, both my coworker and me are much younger, and there are a lot more poly people in our age bracket/we met because of a mutual friend who is the one (1) out queer person at our workplace so familiarity with poly stuff was more likely. But I think the key elements she made sure to hit were, "these are people in my life, and everything is above board, and here's the terminology that I use, LET'S GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT HARRY POTTER."
posted by joyceanmachine at 12:39 PM on December 19, 2016 [64 favorites]
I would suggest not "telling people" but rather start disclosing more about how you actually spend your time. My one advice as a liberal, straight, cis, middle age woman is that you develop a one sentence statement that indicates that this is something that is embraced by your partner - what will really upset people is if they think you are cheating and lying to the partner that they know.
Also, this does not need to be about your sex life, just your relationships. Focus on story on the person and the fact that you enjoy spending time with them not on bedroom details. (I assume people in this office don't disclose bedroom details about any of their relationships.)
posted by metahawk at 12:40 PM on December 19, 2016 [17 favorites]
Also, this does not need to be about your sex life, just your relationships. Focus on story on the person and the fact that you enjoy spending time with them not on bedroom details. (I assume people in this office don't disclose bedroom details about any of their relationships.)
posted by metahawk at 12:40 PM on December 19, 2016 [17 favorites]
I'd stick with casual and in context too, "My wife and girlfriend and I" (or whatever terms you prefer) "had a nice quiet weekend, went to the movies" or whatever. Maybe start in one on one conversations with people you're closer to to see how that goes, if you want to try out the approach first.
posted by Stacey at 12:42 PM on December 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 12:42 PM on December 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
I think this is probably best done when a relatively natural insertion point comes up, like one of those points where you'd otherwise have to obfuscate, maybe in a small conversation rather than an all-hands meeting or something. And you just say something like, "I've been cautiously discreet about it, but I actually have two partners, we're all together (or however best heads off that question and also makes it clear everyone involved is fully consenting), and it's getting awkward to talk around it. So anyway, we were at the store..."
posted by Lyn Never at 12:44 PM on December 19, 2016 [30 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 12:44 PM on December 19, 2016 [30 favorites]
I'd also like to be able to maintain some boundaries around this — boundaries that are normal and expected for monogamous people, but that some people might feel entitled to cross in the presence of something as omg-scandalous as polyamory, like "Don't ask me at work about the details of my sex life."
For what it's worth, in my experience as a sometimes-married, sometimes-single, sometimes-dating, sometimes-partnered person in the work-world, that boundary isn't respected really for any situation outside of married. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they see marriage as omg-boring rather than everything else as omg-scandalous, but whatever the reason, I wouldn't assume that their nosiness or boundary-ignoring is due to your being poly per se.
As for "coming out" at work, I wouldn't recommend it because they're your work teammates, not your friends. Office chitchat is just social lube to keep the cogs moving smoothly. As others have suggested, just include your partners in your casual chitchat about the weekend or whatever, and leave it at that. Then you know their family members' names and they know yours. Aside from who is your +1 at the company Christmas party, no more needs to be said.
posted by headnsouth at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2016 [9 favorites]
For what it's worth, in my experience as a sometimes-married, sometimes-single, sometimes-dating, sometimes-partnered person in the work-world, that boundary isn't respected really for any situation outside of married. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they see marriage as omg-boring rather than everything else as omg-scandalous, but whatever the reason, I wouldn't assume that their nosiness or boundary-ignoring is due to your being poly per se.
As for "coming out" at work, I wouldn't recommend it because they're your work teammates, not your friends. Office chitchat is just social lube to keep the cogs moving smoothly. As others have suggested, just include your partners in your casual chitchat about the weekend or whatever, and leave it at that. Then you know their family members' names and they know yours. Aside from who is your +1 at the company Christmas party, no more needs to be said.
posted by headnsouth at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2016 [9 favorites]
Can you introduce it as a somewhat confusing "Me? I live with Peter and Jane" way for now, and leave that dangling and give people a little period in which they may, if nosy, inquire after Peter and Jane, or, if they do not want the low-down or would prefer to assume a roommate situation, they may carry on as such?
For better or worse, I think we are at a point in history where quite a lot of people have a friend, or a friend of a friend, who is trans, and they have seen that go down well. Unfortunately poly is a thing I think a lot of people's second or third-hand experiences with are "went down in flames." You can certainly blame this on the number of people whose monogamous relationships hit the skids, and who then decided to "open up the relationship," that is, have affairs in lieu of working on things; neither individual started out as poly or ever had any leanings in that direction. That is, I fear, in 2016, the majority association with "poly" -- vague memories of 70s "swingers," and, couples who had flings and called it "poly." So you have a lot to get past, way more than with "trans."
What I'm trying to suggest, but failing to find a good way for HOW, is to approach it very, very slowly, with lots of time for people to process things...
(Okay, now I am peeking at your post history. You wondered about telling your coworkers about your SRS surgery. You only started there in August 2015? As of two years ago you only mention a wife, no third partner. I think I might take more time to start disclosing, especially as this is a relatively new workplace and a relatively new relationship, if I read correctly. Especially as you are younger, I fear that you risk coming off as a bit of an over-sharer. This seems to be some pretty new stuff, not the status quo of your daily life for a decade-plus. It's like taking up with any new dating partner -- it's just not a thing you need to 'come out' about at work.)
posted by kmennie at 12:50 PM on December 19, 2016 [13 favorites]
For better or worse, I think we are at a point in history where quite a lot of people have a friend, or a friend of a friend, who is trans, and they have seen that go down well. Unfortunately poly is a thing I think a lot of people's second or third-hand experiences with are "went down in flames." You can certainly blame this on the number of people whose monogamous relationships hit the skids, and who then decided to "open up the relationship," that is, have affairs in lieu of working on things; neither individual started out as poly or ever had any leanings in that direction. That is, I fear, in 2016, the majority association with "poly" -- vague memories of 70s "swingers," and, couples who had flings and called it "poly." So you have a lot to get past, way more than with "trans."
What I'm trying to suggest, but failing to find a good way for HOW, is to approach it very, very slowly, with lots of time for people to process things...
(Okay, now I am peeking at your post history. You wondered about telling your coworkers about your SRS surgery. You only started there in August 2015? As of two years ago you only mention a wife, no third partner. I think I might take more time to start disclosing, especially as this is a relatively new workplace and a relatively new relationship, if I read correctly. Especially as you are younger, I fear that you risk coming off as a bit of an over-sharer. This seems to be some pretty new stuff, not the status quo of your daily life for a decade-plus. It's like taking up with any new dating partner -- it's just not a thing you need to 'come out' about at work.)
posted by kmennie at 12:50 PM on December 19, 2016 [13 favorites]
Use your partners' names when you talk about how you spend your time. If people then ask about your relationships, tell them. This is less likely to be viewed as oversharing than pointedly saying "my wife and my girlfriend" or whatever.
posted by metasarah at 12:52 PM on December 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 12:52 PM on December 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
We basically do the 'talk about your life the way it is in a work appropriate way' thing. None of us ever really 'come out' unless there's a real reason to do so, but I'll talk about what we did over the weekend because it's no big deal "I went out with my girlfriend on Saturday, and on Sunday went to my partners parents for dinner... Most people just deal, sometimes they have a question, generally it's work and they don't care that much. I disagree that it's 'too intimate' for work talk. If my coworker can mention his girlfriend, I can mention my committed partners.
Sweet story though: my partner takes this same approach. Their boss put together a little gift basket for the team this year: champagne, two glasses, and a cocktail book. For my partner she quietly included 3 glasses. It was such a sweet, little detail of acceptance.
posted by robot-hugs at 12:54 PM on December 19, 2016 [91 favorites]
Sweet story though: my partner takes this same approach. Their boss put together a little gift basket for the team this year: champagne, two glasses, and a cocktail book. For my partner she quietly included 3 glasses. It was such a sweet, little detail of acceptance.
posted by robot-hugs at 12:54 PM on December 19, 2016 [91 favorites]
I had a poly boss once. While he was definitely an oversharer, "freaking the squares" style, the only specific relationship he ever mentioned was the one with his wife. Everything else was left vague, not much above the level of implication.
posted by rhizome at 12:54 PM on December 19, 2016
posted by rhizome at 12:54 PM on December 19, 2016
One of my coworkers has two committed same-sex partners, while I'm not sure how widespread that knowledge is, it's definitely not a secret. He often mentions them by first-name-no-status, or just refer to 'my partner/s' without going into further specifics. I'm sure the use of 'partner' vs 'partners' is probably selective depending on audience, if someone isn't already aware of the situation, no need to bring it up, they can just fill in their own assumptions.
There was never any big reveal or coming out as poly, I think I found out because I was like, Who's Bob? I thought your partner's name is Chris? and he was like, oh Bob's my other partner. The end. Our organization pretty much covers the entire socioeconomic and political spectrum and I don't think he's gotten any trouble about it, probably because it does just come up naturally. And really, I hear way more inappropriate and uncomfortable conversation mostly from dudes about their straight non-poly (often former) marriages.
posted by yeahlikethat at 12:55 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
There was never any big reveal or coming out as poly, I think I found out because I was like, Who's Bob? I thought your partner's name is Chris? and he was like, oh Bob's my other partner. The end. Our organization pretty much covers the entire socioeconomic and political spectrum and I don't think he's gotten any trouble about it, probably because it does just come up naturally. And really, I hear way more inappropriate and uncomfortable conversation mostly from dudes about their straight non-poly (often former) marriages.
posted by yeahlikethat at 12:55 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
I don't think the trans poly thing can be neatly broken down into lessThan moreThan categories.
Trans phobia is deep and serious but also highly political so while group of liberal Bostonian might be 100% supportive almost as a statement of political values. Poly is not yet highly political so those same New Englanders may feel way more comfortable being wicked judgey about it.
I agree the best way to deal with this is to say the names of people you spend time with. Not their specific relationships to you until asked. But I'm an up tight New Englander myself who would rather run into a wall than discuss any of my romantic relationships at work... Or ever.
posted by French Fry at 12:57 PM on December 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
Trans phobia is deep and serious but also highly political so while group of liberal Bostonian might be 100% supportive almost as a statement of political values. Poly is not yet highly political so those same New Englanders may feel way more comfortable being wicked judgey about it.
I agree the best way to deal with this is to say the names of people you spend time with. Not their specific relationships to you until asked. But I'm an up tight New Englander myself who would rather run into a wall than discuss any of my romantic relationships at work... Or ever.
posted by French Fry at 12:57 PM on December 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
If there was no problem with you being trans, I doubt there will be a problem with polyamory.
I'm not sure why you think this; there is no connection between the two. I am trans and I don't really understand poly stuff. (Not that I'm judgy, I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around it.)
I like lalex's approach and if you were telling me I'd prefer you make the relationships between you clear, so I don't stick my foot in my mouth. I've known a poly person for a year and I still don't understand who she's dating or if they're some kind of closed unit or whatever but I feel super awkward asking. Of course it's not really any of my business who she does what with, but I know some of these other people in her universe and it's frustrating to see the puzzle pieces and not be able to fit them together.
posted by AFABulous at 12:59 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure why you think this; there is no connection between the two. I am trans and I don't really understand poly stuff. (Not that I'm judgy, I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around it.)
I like lalex's approach and if you were telling me I'd prefer you make the relationships between you clear, so I don't stick my foot in my mouth. I've known a poly person for a year and I still don't understand who she's dating or if they're some kind of closed unit or whatever but I feel super awkward asking. Of course it's not really any of my business who she does what with, but I know some of these other people in her universe and it's frustrating to see the puzzle pieces and not be able to fit them together.
posted by AFABulous at 12:59 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: (Okay, now I am peeking at your post history. You wondered about telling your coworkers about your SRS surgery. You only started there in August 2015? As of two years ago you only mention a wife, no third partner. I think I might take more time to start disclosing, especially as this is a relatively new workplace and a relatively new relationship, if I read correctly. Especially as you are younger, I fear that you risk coming off as a bit of an over-sharer. This seems to be some pretty new stuff, not the status quo of your daily life for a decade-plus. It's like taking up with any new dating partner -- it's just not a thing you need to 'come out' about at work.)
Okay, if we're going to play the gotcha game with old posts:
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:59 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Okay, if we're going to play the gotcha game with old posts:
- I opted not to tell my coworkers about SRS. FWIW, I feel much more strongly about this than I do about that. Not talking about SRS was like "Hey, keeping this on the DL was a little awkward." Not talking about my family is starting to feel really, really shitty and being more open about it is very important to me.
- I have only worked here since 2015, but most of my team have been here over a decade and I would not be surprised if I stay here that long too. This is not a situation I see as transient.
- My wife and our partner have been together for several years, and intend to be together for the rest of their lives. Partner and I have only been romantically involved with each other (as opposed to "just" being metamours) for about a year, but Partner has been part of my life in a serious way for a longer time and will continue to be.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:59 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
play the gotcha game
Totally not the intention to, uh, "gotcha." I think it's par for the course here, and questions that don't want to be associated with a posting history get asked anon.
That said, I stand by: somebody you've been dating for a year is somebody you've been dating for a year; no disclosure or coming-out is warranted at that juncture.
posted by kmennie at 1:12 PM on December 19, 2016 [19 favorites]
Totally not the intention to, uh, "gotcha." I think it's par for the course here, and questions that don't want to be associated with a posting history get asked anon.
That said, I stand by: somebody you've been dating for a year is somebody you've been dating for a year; no disclosure or coming-out is warranted at that juncture.
posted by kmennie at 1:12 PM on December 19, 2016 [19 favorites]
I think that people take cues for how shocked they should be by a disclosure from how much of a secret you make it seem like when you disclose.
I work closely with a person who is poly in an academic setting who I think navigates this fabulously. Like robot-hugs, she just talks about it as if she's any other person talking about their relationship(s) when it would naturally arise in conversation. I think that it first came up when she was describing a life transition and she said, "well, I have two partners, so it was really easy to navigate the transition because..." It's never about the fact that she has two partners; it's always just a supporting detail to some larger point or story. She refers to "my partner X" and "my partner Y" often and has pictures of both of them in her office.
posted by quiet coyote at 1:19 PM on December 19, 2016 [10 favorites]
I work closely with a person who is poly in an academic setting who I think navigates this fabulously. Like robot-hugs, she just talks about it as if she's any other person talking about their relationship(s) when it would naturally arise in conversation. I think that it first came up when she was describing a life transition and she said, "well, I have two partners, so it was really easy to navigate the transition because..." It's never about the fact that she has two partners; it's always just a supporting detail to some larger point or story. She refers to "my partner X" and "my partner Y" often and has pictures of both of them in her office.
posted by quiet coyote at 1:19 PM on December 19, 2016 [10 favorites]
As people have suggested upthread: mentioning as an aside/parenthetically, when it comes up in conversation that might otherwise be confusing, that both A and B are your partners and that they both know about each other seems fair and reasonable. It doesn't need to be about you Being Poly, just that you happen to have two partners in the dramatis personae of the anecdotes you share around the watercooler so no one is confused or worried.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:22 PM on December 19, 2016
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:22 PM on December 19, 2016
I think this is one of those situations where you're just going to have to let people own whatever discomfort they feel (IF anybody feels uncomfortable), because yes, you should be able to talk about your family just like anybody else does. You can't control how any individual is going to take it, and it sounds like you have a good handle on not being "overshare-y" - so I think whatever way feels most comfortable to you will be fine.
(FWIW, because I myself am pretty damned socially oblivious, if you were telling me I'd prefer that you spell it out ("my wife and partner and I") rather than just use everyone's names because otherwise I probably wouldn't realize what you were telling me, but really, any low-key, casual reference to the people in your family - in the context of talking about your weekend or whatever - would seem pretty natural to me. Good luck!)
posted by DingoMutt at 1:22 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
(FWIW, because I myself am pretty damned socially oblivious, if you were telling me I'd prefer that you spell it out ("my wife and partner and I") rather than just use everyone's names because otherwise I probably wouldn't realize what you were telling me, but really, any low-key, casual reference to the people in your family - in the context of talking about your weekend or whatever - would seem pretty natural to me. Good luck!)
posted by DingoMutt at 1:22 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think if it is feeling shitty to you to keep this a secret, you should go ahead and be more open with this. From your description, it sounds like the risk in your current workplace is more on the level of "social awkwardness" than "losing your job and being blacklisted in your industry" and weighing that against constant stress/feeling bad seems like possible awkwardness is the way to go. I would have to disagree with kmennie to some extent -- I am not poly, but when I was "only" dating my (now) husband, I certainly didn't keep him a secret a work. I didn't go out of my way to bring him up, but if someone asked "What are you doing this weekend?" I did not, like, hide his existence!
I agree with those who have said to try to bring it up in a natural way, when a topic/question comes up where you would otherwise be hiding the truth. So, "What are you doing this weekend?" "Oh, my partners and I are planning a trip to the beach. What about you?" And then let people ask more as it is natural to do so. I think this tends toward less awkwardness than a formal "coming out" thing. Just talk about stuff like you would if it were no big deal, and let others take your lead on that. If it's going to be awkward, make THEM be the one to make it awkward -- I think it's good when you let the path of least resistance simply be your coworkers nodding along and not making a fuss.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:23 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
I agree with those who have said to try to bring it up in a natural way, when a topic/question comes up where you would otherwise be hiding the truth. So, "What are you doing this weekend?" "Oh, my partners and I are planning a trip to the beach. What about you?" And then let people ask more as it is natural to do so. I think this tends toward less awkwardness than a formal "coming out" thing. Just talk about stuff like you would if it were no big deal, and let others take your lead on that. If it's going to be awkward, make THEM be the one to make it awkward -- I think it's good when you let the path of least resistance simply be your coworkers nodding along and not making a fuss.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:23 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
The point here isn't that nebulawindphone wants everyone in the office to know she's[1] in a polyamorous relationship simply for the sake of making that knowledge public. The point is that she wants to talk about her family at the office in the same way her monogamous co-workers talk about theirs.
I'm sure her monogamous co-workers aren't sharing salacious details about their sex lives or offering up unsolicited opinions about how monogamous sex is SO HOTT. And I'm equally sure that nebulawindphone has no interest in randomly walking up to a co-worker and holding forth at length about the sexy sex benefits of two sexy sex partners.
This is about being able to share banal details about weekend plans or dealing with the in-laws over the holidays or who cooked the leftovers she brought to work for lunch that day without erasing the existence of an entire loved one. There is nothing unreasonable about that--the burden of erasure is what's unreasonable!--and it's not oversharing. And if other people are uncomfortable hearing work-appropriate things about nebulawindphone's family, well, that's not her problem.
I think the best way to get what you want here is to lead by example. If you want your co-workers to realize that your three-person family is no big deal, talk about them like it's no big deal. No big announcements, no dramatic pauses after mentioning both of them in order to gauge reactions or wait for questions. Like quiet coyote says above, your partners should always be mentioned as part of a larger context to avoid the perception that you're mentioning them solely to tell everyone that you have two partners.
Model your way of talking about them on others' ways of talking about their family and on the office culture. Some places I've worked, it was totally OK to share deeply and widely about family personalities and quirks, whereas at others, family was asked about politely during small talk but otherwise not mentioned.
If anyone starts to ask unwelcome questions, I think it's totally appropriate to say that your intent is to maintain professional, work-appropriate boundaries to avoid oversharing and to gently point out that knowing similar details about monogamous couples' relationship structures would be considered TMI.
[1] nebulawindphone, your profile identifies you as female, so I used female pronouns. If I've made a mistake, please accept my apology!
posted by jesourie at 1:25 PM on December 19, 2016 [33 favorites]
I'm sure her monogamous co-workers aren't sharing salacious details about their sex lives or offering up unsolicited opinions about how monogamous sex is SO HOTT. And I'm equally sure that nebulawindphone has no interest in randomly walking up to a co-worker and holding forth at length about the sexy sex benefits of two sexy sex partners.
This is about being able to share banal details about weekend plans or dealing with the in-laws over the holidays or who cooked the leftovers she brought to work for lunch that day without erasing the existence of an entire loved one. There is nothing unreasonable about that--the burden of erasure is what's unreasonable!--and it's not oversharing. And if other people are uncomfortable hearing work-appropriate things about nebulawindphone's family, well, that's not her problem.
I think the best way to get what you want here is to lead by example. If you want your co-workers to realize that your three-person family is no big deal, talk about them like it's no big deal. No big announcements, no dramatic pauses after mentioning both of them in order to gauge reactions or wait for questions. Like quiet coyote says above, your partners should always be mentioned as part of a larger context to avoid the perception that you're mentioning them solely to tell everyone that you have two partners.
Model your way of talking about them on others' ways of talking about their family and on the office culture. Some places I've worked, it was totally OK to share deeply and widely about family personalities and quirks, whereas at others, family was asked about politely during small talk but otherwise not mentioned.
If anyone starts to ask unwelcome questions, I think it's totally appropriate to say that your intent is to maintain professional, work-appropriate boundaries to avoid oversharing and to gently point out that knowing similar details about monogamous couples' relationship structures would be considered TMI.
[1] nebulawindphone, your profile identifies you as female, so I used female pronouns. If I've made a mistake, please accept my apology!
posted by jesourie at 1:25 PM on December 19, 2016 [33 favorites]
I wonder how invested your coworkers are into your life outside the office. Anywhere I've ever worked, making small talk about family is a polite formality, nothing more. Of course, there have been a couple of workplaces where there are family events (Christmas parties, barbecues), so I suppose you may want to break the news beforehand in that sort of situation.
Anyway, refer to "my family" in conversation, and "X, who is my partner" and "Y, who is my partner"....?
People will probably be confused, or may guess, or may not.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting you hide your identity. I'm just suggesting that nobody really cares all that much.
posted by My Dad at 1:28 PM on December 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
Anyway, refer to "my family" in conversation, and "X, who is my partner" and "Y, who is my partner"....?
People will probably be confused, or may guess, or may not.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting you hide your identity. I'm just suggesting that nobody really cares all that much.
posted by My Dad at 1:28 PM on December 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
There is nothing unreasonable about that--the burden of erasure is what's unreasonable!--and it's not oversharing. And if other people are uncomfortable hearing work-appropriate things about nebulawindphone's family, well, that's not her problem.
It's totally not unreasonable and should be normal. But that doesn't make it so. What we think is reasonable or should or should not be OP's problem isn't as much the issue as what these co-workers think/feel.
I think the points above regarding the level of discourse about personal relationships is a good guide. If people are talking about husbands, dates, nights out, going to ikea/camping etc than a similar level of detail should be a good place to start.
posted by French Fry at 1:33 PM on December 19, 2016
It's totally not unreasonable and should be normal. But that doesn't make it so. What we think is reasonable or should or should not be OP's problem isn't as much the issue as what these co-workers think/feel.
I think the points above regarding the level of discourse about personal relationships is a good guide. If people are talking about husbands, dates, nights out, going to ikea/camping etc than a similar level of detail should be a good place to start.
posted by French Fry at 1:33 PM on December 19, 2016
Fellow non-monogamous and partnered person here! My coworkers don't know the players by name in my romantic or sexual life, but I've never been cagey about, say, the close friend and roommate who came to holiday dinner with my spouse and our folks. Ultimately, if you discuss all of your partners in an open, kind and respectful manner, people will be far less likely to conclude that you're acting in bad faith or cheating on your spouse. A non-scandal is terrible gossip fodder.
Something else to consider: how well do your partners know your colleagues, and do your partners have opinions about being outed as non-monogamous to them?
posted by theraflu at 1:36 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Something else to consider: how well do your partners know your colleagues, and do your partners have opinions about being outed as non-monogamous to them?
posted by theraflu at 1:36 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Could you get a nice framed photo of the three of you to keep on your desk? Maybe get a professional portrait done. Some will ask and before too long everyone in the office should be up to speed.
Do be open to questions. People are curious and this is interesting. It could be in a, "You can do that? I want to know more", sort of way. Answer questions honestly and calmly and if they go over a line you don't want to cross, you can say: "I'd rather not go into that, but it works for us".
posted by BoscosMom at 1:39 PM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Do be open to questions. People are curious and this is interesting. It could be in a, "You can do that? I want to know more", sort of way. Answer questions honestly and calmly and if they go over a line you don't want to cross, you can say: "I'd rather not go into that, but it works for us".
posted by BoscosMom at 1:39 PM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
My coworker would bring it up causally "Oh my weekend? Nothing much, just hung around the house with the boyfriend and girlfriend."
Now we worked in a big less then liberal office, and every once in a while she'd tell someone who found this shocking. That person would not be rude to her, but quietly try to gossip about it in the break room or such. And every time I saw that happen the reaction of the people they were trying to be gossiping with would be "Yup, she has partners. It's nice she's so happy" and then move the conversation on.
When her girlfriend had a baby her department threw a shower.
posted by lepus at 1:56 PM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Now we worked in a big less then liberal office, and every once in a while she'd tell someone who found this shocking. That person would not be rude to her, but quietly try to gossip about it in the break room or such. And every time I saw that happen the reaction of the people they were trying to be gossiping with would be "Yup, she has partners. It's nice she's so happy" and then move the conversation on.
When her girlfriend had a baby her department threw a shower.
posted by lepus at 1:56 PM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
What we think is reasonable or should or should not be OP's problem isn't as much the issue as what these co-workers think/feel.
Well, sure, insofar as the purpose of nebulawindphone's question is about how to manage the discussion of her family with her co-workers.
But if nebulawindphone talks about her family in the same way that her monogamous co-workers talk about theirs and someone doesn't like it solely because her family has three adult partners in it instead of two, only one of those people needs to get over it, and it sure isn't nebulawindphone.
posted by jesourie at 2:03 PM on December 19, 2016 [13 favorites]
Well, sure, insofar as the purpose of nebulawindphone's question is about how to manage the discussion of her family with her co-workers.
But if nebulawindphone talks about her family in the same way that her monogamous co-workers talk about theirs and someone doesn't like it solely because her family has three adult partners in it instead of two, only one of those people needs to get over it, and it sure isn't nebulawindphone.
posted by jesourie at 2:03 PM on December 19, 2016 [13 favorites]
I would like to gently point out that "polyamory is a personal detail beyond what I would want to know about my coworkers" is a little like "I'm fine with whatever you do but keep it in the privacy of your bedroom"--i.e. the kind of thing people say to make sure gay people know that they're oversharing by speaking of things fairly analogous to what straight people talk about without a second thought any time they mention a wife or husband. I don't think it's a helpful thing to say to this poster, though I think it was intended as helpful.
posted by Smearcase at 2:16 PM on December 19, 2016 [43 favorites]
posted by Smearcase at 2:16 PM on December 19, 2016 [43 favorites]
I strongly support the advice to introduce the subject at natural moments, but two caveats come to mind:
Liberals often have really awful beliefs that you didn't know about that come out when a previously undiscussed topic arises.
Some people including some liberals can inappropriately sexualise trans people, particularly trans women, and if they are aware that someone is a trans woman they will react differently to learning that she is also poly than they might react to learning, for example, that a cis person is poly. Other axes of marginalisation such as race, class or disability can also compound this problem.
Only you know where the lines lie in your workplace.
posted by Mistress at 2:17 PM on December 19, 2016
Liberals often have really awful beliefs that you didn't know about that come out when a previously undiscussed topic arises.
Some people including some liberals can inappropriately sexualise trans people, particularly trans women, and if they are aware that someone is a trans woman they will react differently to learning that she is also poly than they might react to learning, for example, that a cis person is poly. Other axes of marginalisation such as race, class or disability can also compound this problem.
Only you know where the lines lie in your workplace.
posted by Mistress at 2:17 PM on December 19, 2016
Response by poster: Let me be even more blunt. I intend to discuss my family life at work occasionally, because I work someplace where everyone else discusses their family life a great deal. This is not something I have any intention of changing my mind on. I promise I've already heard all the reasons why I should change my mind. Yes, even that one.
I will be doing this with the full consent and support of everyone in my family. I do not intend to discuss my sex life at work, or pointlessly inject the fact that I'm poly into conversations where it isn't relevant. I'm very sorry you used to know some rude person who did those things.
I am fully aware of all the ways that this will be controversial, because I have been poly for twenty years now and I have eyes and ears.
I would love to hear advice on how to successfully navigate (and minimize the impact of) that controversy, and I appreciate the advice in that vein that's been given so far.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:22 PM on December 19, 2016 [23 favorites]
I will be doing this with the full consent and support of everyone in my family. I do not intend to discuss my sex life at work, or pointlessly inject the fact that I'm poly into conversations where it isn't relevant. I'm very sorry you used to know some rude person who did those things.
I am fully aware of all the ways that this will be controversial, because I have been poly for twenty years now and I have eyes and ears.
I would love to hear advice on how to successfully navigate (and minimize the impact of) that controversy, and I appreciate the advice in that vein that's been given so far.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:22 PM on December 19, 2016 [23 favorites]
What's wrong with saying, "I live with 2 roommates, X and Y. We're a family."
It's the absolute truth, it doesn't get into details that anybody else needs to know, and if anyone asks more, you can assess where the question comes from and chose how, or if, you want to divulge more.
If anyone comments that you always seem to do things with your roommates, repeat, we're a family. That's how we roll.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:46 PM on December 19, 2016
It's the absolute truth, it doesn't get into details that anybody else needs to know, and if anyone asks more, you can assess where the question comes from and chose how, or if, you want to divulge more.
If anyone comments that you always seem to do things with your roommates, repeat, we're a family. That's how we roll.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:46 PM on December 19, 2016
I'd start by just mentioning your partner in conversation as $firstname and let folks draw their own conclusions. They'll realize that "person who lives with me / I spend a lot of time with" = family, and you may avoid some of the nosy questions that way. A lot of people get the idea of chosen family, and it sounds like that idea covers what you want your coworkers to know about your living situation.
I moved in with a friend last year. Some acquaintances / coworkers apparently thought we were dating, but the stuff they did to show acceptance of that is the same stuff they'd do to be kind to a close live-in friend (take an extra muffin home! bring roommate to the party!), so it wasn't really a thing.
posted by momus_window at 2:46 PM on December 19, 2016
I moved in with a friend last year. Some acquaintances / coworkers apparently thought we were dating, but the stuff they did to show acceptance of that is the same stuff they'd do to be kind to a close live-in friend (take an extra muffin home! bring roommate to the party!), so it wasn't really a thing.
posted by momus_window at 2:46 PM on December 19, 2016
Mod note: Couple comments removed. Folks, let's just try and reset a little bit toward answering the question asked and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Answering stuff in Ask isn't compulsory, it's okay to be annoyed by framing or premise and just sorta let it be and do something else.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:48 PM on December 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:48 PM on December 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
Another thought: Do you have someone or three someones you're particularly close to at work? If so, I wonder if you might be able to start with them and if they're willing, make them your accomplices in Project Nebulawindphone Gets To Talk About Her Family Like Everyone Else. (That name sucks, but you'll think of a better one.)
If those people are up to speed ahead of time, they can help normalize the coming-out conversations for you, maybe, by modeling a reasonable, appropriate way to respond and/or being prepared to cut off any "that's super inappropriate, why would you ask that?" questions that the more tactless may blurt out.
(Some of those questions are just gonna happen, though. People get super weird about even slightly non-normative family structure choices. Have answers or brush-offs in your back pocket for the ones you can anticipate.)
posted by Stacey at 2:49 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
If those people are up to speed ahead of time, they can help normalize the coming-out conversations for you, maybe, by modeling a reasonable, appropriate way to respond and/or being prepared to cut off any "that's super inappropriate, why would you ask that?" questions that the more tactless may blurt out.
(Some of those questions are just gonna happen, though. People get super weird about even slightly non-normative family structure choices. Have answers or brush-offs in your back pocket for the ones you can anticipate.)
posted by Stacey at 2:49 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
My organizations sounds a lot like yours, where personal news is shared because you have close relationships at work. I know not all workplaces are like this and the culture change can be difficult to comprehend for people who don't work in this type of environment and discussing poly life would be considered oversharing for them, but normal for my (and your) org.
So, I have seen this handled a few different ways. It really strongly depends on the personality of the person that shared. In one case, they were somewhat private but didn't want to lie, so they told a good friend at work with permission to share with others as needed and then were treated normally with questions acknowledging their relationships but not focusing on the relationships/questions. I recently had an employee I manage make a few pointed posts on FB (sharing articles on the topic but not info about their private life) so when we went out to lunch one day they could mention what was going on in their life and it wasn't out of the blue for me. (This is assuming you are FB friends, or whatever social media most people are using in your workgroup). And another co-worker was just blunt and matter of fact and stated the realities of her relationship but was also non-judgemental about any questions and conversational slip ups.
Is there any social occasions where spouses are invited? Otherwise, I like the idea of photos. And if you are a girl, the word "girlfriend" may not be interpreted as romantic girlfriend when you ever to going out with your "partner" and "girlfriend".
posted by saucysault at 3:08 PM on December 19, 2016
So, I have seen this handled a few different ways. It really strongly depends on the personality of the person that shared. In one case, they were somewhat private but didn't want to lie, so they told a good friend at work with permission to share with others as needed and then were treated normally with questions acknowledging their relationships but not focusing on the relationships/questions. I recently had an employee I manage make a few pointed posts on FB (sharing articles on the topic but not info about their private life) so when we went out to lunch one day they could mention what was going on in their life and it wasn't out of the blue for me. (This is assuming you are FB friends, or whatever social media most people are using in your workgroup). And another co-worker was just blunt and matter of fact and stated the realities of her relationship but was also non-judgemental about any questions and conversational slip ups.
Is there any social occasions where spouses are invited? Otherwise, I like the idea of photos. And if you are a girl, the word "girlfriend" may not be interpreted as romantic girlfriend when you ever to going out with your "partner" and "girlfriend".
posted by saucysault at 3:08 PM on December 19, 2016
Are you already talking about your family activities with "we"? That seems like a first step, if you aren't. At my workplace, the answer to "do anything fun over the weekend?" almost always is answered with "Yeah, we ___________" without antecedent. It's nearly always ambiguous who is included in the "we", and sometimes it is never explained. Sometimes it's later revealed to be partner(s), sometimes partner(s) + kid(s), extended family, friend group, etc. By way of example (I think this could work out ok for you):
Person A: Do anything fun over the weekend?
B: Yeah, we went apple picking in Hood River
A: Nice!
B: Yeah, Paul managed to fall off the hay wagon and Suzy literally pissed herself laughing.
[often this is the end of the convo]
A: Oh, it's been ages since I've seen Paul. How's he doing? And have I met Suzy?
B: No? She's [relationship]. She and Paul are both swell [or whatever].
Admittedly, I'm usually person A in this scene, and I often have no idea what I might get back re: "Suzy" -- sometimes she's someone's kid or stepkid or mother-in-law or wife or whatever. And as an unpartnered person, my own narrative "we" can mean a lot of different constituencies.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that these kinds of workplace conversations, in my experience, are usually of the form "my wife and I ____" or else "[name] and I ____" or "my family ____" but rarely do people explicitly link the name & role as in "My wife ([wife's name]) and I ____". The latter seems like maybe more noticeable bc you are explicitly mapping the name to role. If you use either of the former, though, you can just tell your story. At least to start? And you'll get cues about how open to be, based on whether your interlocutor takes the multiple names in stride (they are prolly fine) or gets uncomfortable with the multiple-names.
posted by janell at 3:13 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Person A: Do anything fun over the weekend?
B: Yeah, we went apple picking in Hood River
A: Nice!
B: Yeah, Paul managed to fall off the hay wagon and Suzy literally pissed herself laughing.
[often this is the end of the convo]
A: Oh, it's been ages since I've seen Paul. How's he doing? And have I met Suzy?
B: No? She's [relationship]. She and Paul are both swell [or whatever].
Admittedly, I'm usually person A in this scene, and I often have no idea what I might get back re: "Suzy" -- sometimes she's someone's kid or stepkid or mother-in-law or wife or whatever. And as an unpartnered person, my own narrative "we" can mean a lot of different constituencies.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that these kinds of workplace conversations, in my experience, are usually of the form "my wife and I ____" or else "[name] and I ____" or "my family ____" but rarely do people explicitly link the name & role as in "My wife ([wife's name]) and I ____". The latter seems like maybe more noticeable bc you are explicitly mapping the name to role. If you use either of the former, though, you can just tell your story. At least to start? And you'll get cues about how open to be, based on whether your interlocutor takes the multiple names in stride (they are prolly fine) or gets uncomfortable with the multiple-names.
posted by janell at 3:13 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
What's wrong with saying, "I live with 2 roommates, X and Y. We're a family."
But they're not roommates. We generally don't say "I plan my life around these people and want to spend the rest of my life with them" about our ROOMMATES. (There are folks who have roommates like that, and then it's "this is my best friend" "this is my platonic life partner" "this is Some other Special Signifier That Indicates that This Person Does More than Pay Part of the Rent." If monogamous people don't have to refer to their significant others as their roommates (and if you roll that way, then great! I'm glad that works for you), then, frankly, it's absurd to suggest we should have to. (And yes, I know that some people feel like we should. People feel how they feel.)
I'm poly, my wife of 2 years has a girlfriend of 6 years has a husband of 12 years. They're sitting in our living room right now, with their kid, playing Uno while I wait on the cornbread to bake. These are the people I am going to spend the rest of my life with, in some form or fashion, if all works out well and we solve the five body problem (and if we don't solve it, then we'll truck back and forth across this damned big country and it will suck and we'll do it anyhow. I have a high school graduation to go to in a few years!). I work at a moderately liberal academic institution in a purple state that is rapidly turning red. I'm out (except to family members over 50 - not an age thing, that just happens to be the break point in my extended family). Girlfriend is not (she generally refers to wife as best friend, which is also true). We manage just fine.
On my end, I just talk about my life. "Yea, my wife's girlfriend and her family are coming to visit this weekend." Sometimes people blink, and say "girlfriend?" and I say "yup, girlfriend, they're fantastic, it's great, she's one of my best friends, we're going to go to the science center with the kid while they're here and look at the aquarium, it's going to be awesome." I don't tend to use names with folks who are not already in the know because, see also, GF is not out. I have never gotten a nosy question about what we all might or might not do in bed. I occasionally get a question about how we're all involved, and I repeat the wife has a GF has a husband. If someone says that it sounds complicated, I respond that every relationship has complications, but ours, communication and Google calendar can solve. I am relentlessly upbeat and cheerful, in an effort to normalize my family. And it works! :)
The only even semi-bad response I've ever gotten was my phd department head, who blinked and said "girlfriend?" "Girlfriend." "Girlfriend girlfriend." "Girlfriend girlfriend. We're very happy." "That's very... modern." "Indeed!"
So, just start talking about them. Be prepared to brush off the occasional inappropriate question, but in general, most folks are going to blink, if anything, and then be polite. They may talk about you behind your back, but so what? If you're in a place where you're not likely to get fired for it (and it sounds like that's the case), then you can't hear them, and you won't have the stress of feeling like you're covering up half of your home life. And it's going to feel good.
If you want to talk more via memail, I'm happy to do so; as you can see, poly is a subject that evokes a variety of reactions on the green and the blue.
posted by joycehealy at 3:18 PM on December 19, 2016 [22 favorites]
And if you are a girl, the word "girlfriend" may not be interpreted as romantic girlfriend when you ever to going out with your "partner" and "girlfriend".
Yes, I wouldn't use this phraseology. My co-worker always talks about going out with her "girlfriends" and she is definitely not poly.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:14 PM on December 19, 2016
Yes, I wouldn't use this phraseology. My co-worker always talks about going out with her "girlfriends" and she is definitely not poly.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:14 PM on December 19, 2016
If you were my co-worker (I'm a straight, cis monogamous married lady), since I've heard of poly partnerships before, this is how I imagine it going down:
Me: Oh, I can't wait for this week to be over. Do you have plans for the holidays?
You: Yeah, we're having people over for a big meal. My girlfriend loves to cook. My wife and I are really lucky!
Me: Oh, cool. All three of you are friendly? (realizing afterward that this might be too personal and getting embarrassed that I crossed a line)
You: Yeah, actually, we're all partners, the three of us. It's the best, especially with all the work that goes into hosting people, right?
Me: Yeah, well, sounds great! Happy Holidays!
I imagine you may get questions about what it's like to be committed to more than one person from people. It's your choice, obviously, as to whether you want to tell people all about it or just say, "It's not for everyone but it makes us very happy. I'm so lucky," and end it there.
posted by Pearl928 at 5:45 PM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Me: Oh, I can't wait for this week to be over. Do you have plans for the holidays?
You: Yeah, we're having people over for a big meal. My girlfriend loves to cook. My wife and I are really lucky!
Me: Oh, cool. All three of you are friendly? (realizing afterward that this might be too personal and getting embarrassed that I crossed a line)
You: Yeah, actually, we're all partners, the three of us. It's the best, especially with all the work that goes into hosting people, right?
Me: Yeah, well, sounds great! Happy Holidays!
I imagine you may get questions about what it's like to be committed to more than one person from people. It's your choice, obviously, as to whether you want to tell people all about it or just say, "It's not for everyone but it makes us very happy. I'm so lucky," and end it there.
posted by Pearl928 at 5:45 PM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
My opinion is nah, just be vague. It sounds like most of your co-workers would be pretty cool, but a few might feel weirded out or staticky. Never underestimate the power of being vague for smoothing over social questions. You can talk to your co-workers about some of the things your family did over the weekend without having to qualify or assign everyone in your family specific roles. As mentioned above, your family might have different views about being out.
posted by ovvl at 5:49 PM on December 19, 2016
posted by ovvl at 5:49 PM on December 19, 2016
Personally, I think talking about a "wife" and then a "girlfriend" makes it sound like the girlfriend is potentially in an adulterous relationship. I would need the extra context that you're poly and everybody is a consenting adult to feel comfortable hearing about that. I think talking about two "partners" would make it clearer to me without an explanation that both of these are key relationships. But it wouldn't hurt to drop in a quick explanation that you actually have two partners, not just your one wife who you've mentioned before.
I'm wondering why you're concerned about boundaries. Have these coworkers pushed boundaries before and asked intrusive questions? If not, my guess is that they wouldn't this time either. If they have, I think it's the same as with any overly personal question -- be straightforward and deflect when it gets too personal. "You're poly? How does that... work?" "I have two partners, and we're all happy with the situation." "So do you all... you know?" "That's getting too personal."
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:59 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm wondering why you're concerned about boundaries. Have these coworkers pushed boundaries before and asked intrusive questions? If not, my guess is that they wouldn't this time either. If they have, I think it's the same as with any overly personal question -- be straightforward and deflect when it gets too personal. "You're poly? How does that... work?" "I have two partners, and we're all happy with the situation." "So do you all... you know?" "That's getting too personal."
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:59 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think "my wife and our partner" as you said in one of your comments, conveys exactly what you want your coworkers to understand, without getting into the potentially hazardous "girlfriend" territory that chickenmagazine and chainsofreedom refer to.
posted by coppermoss at 6:13 PM on December 19, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by coppermoss at 6:13 PM on December 19, 2016 [15 favorites]
I am extremely cautious about this because mostly, it can get weird no matter what, and the facts of my home life are not really up for a lot of discussion. I have, when I know that someone is trustworthy, responded to "what did you do this weekend" with something like, "Oh, Sally had a show, so Stan and I went and then we all spent Sunday watching movies and recovering."
Eventually people get it. I am very rarely outright going to say, "I am polyamorous." I just present what I've been doing with my time as normal and routine and get on with my life. I do not do this with people I don't trust.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:52 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Eventually people get it. I am very rarely outright going to say, "I am polyamorous." I just present what I've been doing with my time as normal and routine and get on with my life. I do not do this with people I don't trust.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:52 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
My immediate teammates are liberal white New England women in their 40s through 60s, who I like very much and get along very well with. I am the youngest member of the team by ten years
If they're nice people then the age difference will be a great help here, in that they are less likely to think "startling lifestyle I should ask questions about" and more likely to think "oh, this is what kids do nowadays" and take it without any fuss even if they don't get it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:54 PM on December 19, 2016
If they're nice people then the age difference will be a great help here, in that they are less likely to think "startling lifestyle I should ask questions about" and more likely to think "oh, this is what kids do nowadays" and take it without any fuss even if they don't get it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:54 PM on December 19, 2016
I'd just focus on talking about your family. It's your family, right? Everybody's family is different. So on the heels of Donna talking about her third husband and his taking over the garage with his great love of taxidermy, you go, 'Yeah, so I guess my family's a little less mainstream; there are three of us. But on the other hand, Dan has taken over the second floor bathroom to display his collection of glass rabbits and googly eyes.'
Or whatever. But you do it briefly, acknowledge a little weirdness, and move right on to the quirky (personal! individual!) detail of Member of Your Family and remember they are members of your family and while polyamory isn't mainstream, family weirdness is quite mainstream and everyone loves A Character. Try to focus on the people.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:27 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Or whatever. But you do it briefly, acknowledge a little weirdness, and move right on to the quirky (personal! individual!) detail of Member of Your Family and remember they are members of your family and while polyamory isn't mainstream, family weirdness is quite mainstream and everyone loves A Character. Try to focus on the people.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:27 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I sense [though may be wrong] that nebulawindphone's challenge is that she has carefully hidden her relationship status for long enough that casually mentioning it in an ordinary context, as many have suggested, feels weird because it ought to have come up before now. I suspect there may also be that habitual clamming-up reflex when the conversation unexpectedly hits a point where an out person would just casually talk about their partners, and then the moment goes by, the opportunity is lost, and there's that terrible lonely/ashamed feeling of being on the outside looking in.
If this is right, then I think it really is a matter of "coming out", in the sense of "here's something that I've hidden from you up to now, but I don't want to hide it any more". This is really hard and I can't really claim to have analogous experience (...yet?). There's an aspect of it that's an apology for having hidden this thing, but also a sense of giving a gift to the listeners in that you like/trust/respect them enough to want to share this intimate part of your life with them. I guess what I'm saying is that in this case it seems like the casual-mention approach would feel wrong, and that an acknowledgement has to be made that this thing was intentionally hidden up to now. In this case it seems like the best thing would be to spell out explicitly that you are polyamorous and name your partners and their relationships.
I may be way off base here though.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:56 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
If this is right, then I think it really is a matter of "coming out", in the sense of "here's something that I've hidden from you up to now, but I don't want to hide it any more". This is really hard and I can't really claim to have analogous experience (...yet?). There's an aspect of it that's an apology for having hidden this thing, but also a sense of giving a gift to the listeners in that you like/trust/respect them enough to want to share this intimate part of your life with them. I guess what I'm saying is that in this case it seems like the casual-mention approach would feel wrong, and that an acknowledgement has to be made that this thing was intentionally hidden up to now. In this case it seems like the best thing would be to spell out explicitly that you are polyamorous and name your partners and their relationships.
I may be way off base here though.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:56 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Cis hetero liberal born & raised Bostonian here, who has worked &/or lived in other geographical areas & in *many* different company cultures, including *very* conservative corporate ones. I'm in agreement that the best way to proceed is to talk about your life just like your coworkers do, which is probably causually & without any major announcements unless there is a milestone like a birth/adoption, anniversary, deepening or change in relationship status, illness, & such.
In my experience, people most often mirror the other person, especially in potentially confusing situations, so, in the culture you describe, if you talk about it like it's not a big deal, it won't be a big deal. I think having pictures of family on/around your desk (or desktop monitor/screensaver) is a lovely suggestion because that just means you're moving into your new work "home." You've been there over a year, so, it's time. Then, if I were you, I would just talk about your life the way you would to anyone who already knows about your poly status. Will this head off questions or people being uncomfortable or confused? It's really hard to say because it depends on the person & how quickly each one picks up on these queues & how inquisitive/curious/nosy an individual might be. Weirdly, that decade or two generation gap may make it a little trickier to navigate than being openly gay & transgender. It's not fair or okay, but polyamory can be more confusing for some people than the rest of your identity, but it's also not your responsibility to make them feel better anymore than you feel necessary. I just figure it's worth mentioning because confusion about polyamory seems to exist even among progressive, younger generations that completely understand sexual orientation & gender identification.
For both your sake & fostering more seamless interactions with your coworkers, be prepared with succinct, uncomplicated answers if anyone asks questions that you feel comfortable answering, &, if someone asks you something that is inappropriate (for example, about The Sex), then say what any colleague regardless of orientation, gender, or family/relationship structure would say, which is something like, "I think that's an inappropriate conversation for work," or, in this instance with this culture, perhaps a gentler, "I understand your curiosity, but out of respect for my partners, I feel this is an inappropriate conversation for the workplace." If you are or become close friends with any of these co-workers, your response may vary or change as your friendships evolve, but I'm presuming a default "cordial colleague" relationship, which values protecting yourself from feeling forced into divulging more than you or your partners are comfortable with sharing more than protecting your coworkers.
This is not an easy situation to navigate, but it sounds like you are in a wonderful, supportive environment & my guess is that any discomfort anyone experiences will be more along the lines of trying to understand something unfamiliar than judgement or disapproval. That doesn't mean it will make it easier for you to deal with, but, honestly, I think you've got this & it sounds like there are plenty of people who will have your back. Best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 8:17 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
In my experience, people most often mirror the other person, especially in potentially confusing situations, so, in the culture you describe, if you talk about it like it's not a big deal, it won't be a big deal. I think having pictures of family on/around your desk (or desktop monitor/screensaver) is a lovely suggestion because that just means you're moving into your new work "home." You've been there over a year, so, it's time. Then, if I were you, I would just talk about your life the way you would to anyone who already knows about your poly status. Will this head off questions or people being uncomfortable or confused? It's really hard to say because it depends on the person & how quickly each one picks up on these queues & how inquisitive/curious/nosy an individual might be. Weirdly, that decade or two generation gap may make it a little trickier to navigate than being openly gay & transgender. It's not fair or okay, but polyamory can be more confusing for some people than the rest of your identity, but it's also not your responsibility to make them feel better anymore than you feel necessary. I just figure it's worth mentioning because confusion about polyamory seems to exist even among progressive, younger generations that completely understand sexual orientation & gender identification.
For both your sake & fostering more seamless interactions with your coworkers, be prepared with succinct, uncomplicated answers if anyone asks questions that you feel comfortable answering, &, if someone asks you something that is inappropriate (for example, about The Sex), then say what any colleague regardless of orientation, gender, or family/relationship structure would say, which is something like, "I think that's an inappropriate conversation for work," or, in this instance with this culture, perhaps a gentler, "I understand your curiosity, but out of respect for my partners, I feel this is an inappropriate conversation for the workplace." If you are or become close friends with any of these co-workers, your response may vary or change as your friendships evolve, but I'm presuming a default "cordial colleague" relationship, which values protecting yourself from feeling forced into divulging more than you or your partners are comfortable with sharing more than protecting your coworkers.
This is not an easy situation to navigate, but it sounds like you are in a wonderful, supportive environment & my guess is that any discomfort anyone experiences will be more along the lines of trying to understand something unfamiliar than judgement or disapproval. That doesn't mean it will make it easier for you to deal with, but, honestly, I think you've got this & it sounds like there are plenty of people who will have your back. Best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 8:17 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Couple deleted. kmennie, please cool it with the digging through people's history and insisting that you understand OP's relationship status better than they do. You've given your advice, let it be.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:24 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:24 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
On preview, if heatherlogan is right & you think that l there may be some feelings about you "concealing" your relationship status, well, that comes under the "none of their business" & "getting to know each other takes time" categories, in my opinion. Unless you tell people, no one knows when this relationship solidified, & everyone at a new job plays it safe until they feel comfortable. You already have two important things that may have caused apprehension about integrating into a new workplace. Keeping a "non-traditional" relationship under wraps until you found your feet & had a handle on your job (aka as the reason you are there) & the culture is completely understandable. If someone confronts you about this, well, that person is kind of a tone-deaf jerk, but I'd just respond by saying that starting a new job is both exciting & challenging & you were finding your feet before disclosing more information about your personal life. If they push for more of a mea cupla or explanation, I'd clam up because that person could be a problem. You can also play dumb & say, "Oh, it wasn't intentional. I was just getting acclimated & it never came up before." If a person pushes beyond that, it becomes an HR issue & that individual probably would have been an issue regardless of when you mentioned your polyamourous relationship. No one is obligated to divulge all their family details within a certain timeframe, especially at work. I think you're still good with the casual mentions and gradual information reveals through normal workplace interactions and conversations. Again, good luck!
posted by katemcd at 8:33 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by katemcd at 8:33 PM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
As someone who did three rounds of coming out in my inveterate youth (bi, multiple, poly, in that order - some with work friends although not generally At Work per se) what I advise you is the following:
1) Agree 100% that the less of a big deal you make it, the more people will take your lead that this is your normal. If it's been one year then maybe a logical entry point is casually saying how you celebrated the anniversary with your partner.
2) Make sure that you're prepared for people to be a bit dumb about it, especially in the flush of first reaction. I got the most weird reactions over the multiple thing for probably fairly obvious reasons (this was in the late 90s so it wasn't a thing people proved their skeptical chops over, but it's never really been a cool thing to be) but I got the most judgmental reactions over the poly stuff. In all cases the most important thing was to stay calm and grounded and just - let people have their reactions. (I did not manage this the first few times.) Which can be really hard but I think at work it would be essential to manage your own emotions.
3) Really think deeply about what kind of validation you are looking for. If all you want is to be able to discuss your weekend, I think that will happen. If you want all your coworkers to be as supportive of your poly family as they are about what they understand to be your family now, that may not be achievable and you may want to wait if it's going to make it worse.
I get that the narrative is overwhelmingly biased towards a few that rights and acceptance were are won by people bravely coming out, including at work, but a close look at history will show that while that is probably a reasonable collective truth, the individual cost can be high. Since being multiple has pretty much not become a societally acceptable thing, and poly is often expressed as being "down the slippery slope" from same-sex marriage ('what's next, group marriage?' 'uhhmmm') I guess I am just giving you the perspective to make sure you know what your next steps would be if it ended up more awkward, not less.
4) Just be aware that being out about one thing doesn't require you to be out about everything. It's fine if you feel that way, but it's not A Thing.
Just to round this out with more personal, just one data point, experience...I am several workplaces away from that one and I choose not to share these things any more. Both because I got to where some of it was a career killer, but also because I treat what I share about my personal life at work like social media - it is a curated version of my life, not my actual life. I find that actually gives me more peace at work than expecting work to be a place to express myself. This will depend so much on your work and your goals, but I kind of wanted to say that it's not always a choice between feeling like more of a facade than a person OR radical honesty. There are other choices.
Good luck!
posted by warriorqueen at 8:42 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
1) Agree 100% that the less of a big deal you make it, the more people will take your lead that this is your normal. If it's been one year then maybe a logical entry point is casually saying how you celebrated the anniversary with your partner.
2) Make sure that you're prepared for people to be a bit dumb about it, especially in the flush of first reaction. I got the most weird reactions over the multiple thing for probably fairly obvious reasons (this was in the late 90s so it wasn't a thing people proved their skeptical chops over, but it's never really been a cool thing to be) but I got the most judgmental reactions over the poly stuff. In all cases the most important thing was to stay calm and grounded and just - let people have their reactions. (I did not manage this the first few times.) Which can be really hard but I think at work it would be essential to manage your own emotions.
3) Really think deeply about what kind of validation you are looking for. If all you want is to be able to discuss your weekend, I think that will happen. If you want all your coworkers to be as supportive of your poly family as they are about what they understand to be your family now, that may not be achievable and you may want to wait if it's going to make it worse.
I get that the narrative is overwhelmingly biased towards a few that rights and acceptance were are won by people bravely coming out, including at work, but a close look at history will show that while that is probably a reasonable collective truth, the individual cost can be high. Since being multiple has pretty much not become a societally acceptable thing, and poly is often expressed as being "down the slippery slope" from same-sex marriage ('what's next, group marriage?' 'uhhmmm') I guess I am just giving you the perspective to make sure you know what your next steps would be if it ended up more awkward, not less.
4) Just be aware that being out about one thing doesn't require you to be out about everything. It's fine if you feel that way, but it's not A Thing.
Just to round this out with more personal, just one data point, experience...I am several workplaces away from that one and I choose not to share these things any more. Both because I got to where some of it was a career killer, but also because I treat what I share about my personal life at work like social media - it is a curated version of my life, not my actual life. I find that actually gives me more peace at work than expecting work to be a place to express myself. This will depend so much on your work and your goals, but I kind of wanted to say that it's not always a choice between feeling like more of a facade than a person OR radical honesty. There are other choices.
Good luck!
posted by warriorqueen at 8:42 PM on December 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
Mod note: A couple deleted. 1) Please be sure you are directly responding to the OP and their question here rather than arguing with other answerers or having a discussion about the general topic. 2) If you don't want to answer the question, please pass this by.
posted by taz (staff) at 12:07 AM on December 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:07 AM on December 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think you'll feel better after you drop this information on a person or two at a time, as noted above, within the context of an anecdote about a person in your family.
No one will ask about your sex life, I hope, because boy is that unprofessional, but if they ask how it works tell them either 'It works great!' or "That is an excellent question for the internet!" and let them take care of any research they need to take care of.
If they ask what it's like, say it's weird, like everyone's family.
But if you say 'we're polyamorous!' the emphasis is more on polyamory than your family, which might make them feel you're the spokesperson for polyamory, and then you have to present an Afterschool Special on it .and it sounds like what you want is just to introduce the topic and have normal conversations. Focusing on quirks and details of individuals helps guide the conversation away from the abstraction of 'poly-what?' and into Your Family and Your Life.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:42 AM on December 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
No one will ask about your sex life, I hope, because boy is that unprofessional, but if they ask how it works tell them either 'It works great!' or "That is an excellent question for the internet!" and let them take care of any research they need to take care of.
If they ask what it's like, say it's weird, like everyone's family.
But if you say 'we're polyamorous!' the emphasis is more on polyamory than your family, which might make them feel you're the spokesperson for polyamory, and then you have to present an Afterschool Special on it .and it sounds like what you want is just to introduce the topic and have normal conversations. Focusing on quirks and details of individuals helps guide the conversation away from the abstraction of 'poly-what?' and into Your Family and Your Life.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:42 AM on December 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
"This weekend my (partner 1) and (partner 2) went to the (movies, park, best Chinese restaurant). (describe awesome movie, outdoors-thing, or restaurant)."
posted by zippy at 1:52 AM on December 20, 2016
posted by zippy at 1:52 AM on December 20, 2016
I'm a progressive cis straight monogamous white woman in her 40s. If someone I work with started talking about two people in the same way I talk about my one person, there is a good chance that I would be confused, I'm ashamed to say. It would take me a while to clue in, even though I am all for families of all shapes and sizes. It's just not something I think about or encounter often, and it is mostly theoretical for me. I would hope that I would have a non-shocked reaction, but in case this helps, here's what I would hope for as the conditions for that to be more likely to happen:
1. I would hope for my poly co-worker not to judge me completely by my immediate reaction (confusion, possibly sounding unaccepting but really just taking a moment to adjust, and anxious that I've said or done things in the past that might have made you feel excluded, wondering if I'm a social oaf for not realizing sooner - in other words, a lot of stuff running through my head about me and not you, poly co-worker).
2. Enough clarity so that I'm sure you are saying you are in a poly relationship with consenting adults and I haven't gotten it wrong, possibly again (and possibly left thinking that you've just said you are cheating on your primary partner, which would be super weird to say in a workplace conversation, but much more common set up in my world).
3. A reasonable amount of patience for a follow-up question or two about your family organization (and not about your sex life,e.g., "so do the three of you live together?" not, "do the three of you sleep together?"), even if the former is also not an okay question, I hope that my ignorance will be met with kindness and not anger. It might be helpful to figure out in advance how you might deflect or answer questions, and there are good suggestions above.
There is a good chance that if I'm confused, I will ask a third co-worker for confirmation. Like if you had one of the convos suggested above with me and another co-worker, and then other co-worker and I continued talking, I might confirm with that co-worker that I understood correctly, and ask if they knew already (again, being anxious that I'm an oaf for not knowing). I would hope that people won't condemn me as a gossip. I'm processing. There is, of course, a point past which gossip is just gossip.
I understand that my poly co-worker is not responsible for making these conditions happen. It's not other people's job to coddle me. But I offer this information in case it helps with your dilemma. Ideally, the social fabric will stretch and not tear.
posted by girlpublisher at 6:22 AM on December 20, 2016 [8 favorites]
1. I would hope for my poly co-worker not to judge me completely by my immediate reaction (confusion, possibly sounding unaccepting but really just taking a moment to adjust, and anxious that I've said or done things in the past that might have made you feel excluded, wondering if I'm a social oaf for not realizing sooner - in other words, a lot of stuff running through my head about me and not you, poly co-worker).
2. Enough clarity so that I'm sure you are saying you are in a poly relationship with consenting adults and I haven't gotten it wrong, possibly again (and possibly left thinking that you've just said you are cheating on your primary partner, which would be super weird to say in a workplace conversation, but much more common set up in my world).
3. A reasonable amount of patience for a follow-up question or two about your family organization (and not about your sex life,e.g., "so do the three of you live together?" not, "do the three of you sleep together?"), even if the former is also not an okay question, I hope that my ignorance will be met with kindness and not anger. It might be helpful to figure out in advance how you might deflect or answer questions, and there are good suggestions above.
There is a good chance that if I'm confused, I will ask a third co-worker for confirmation. Like if you had one of the convos suggested above with me and another co-worker, and then other co-worker and I continued talking, I might confirm with that co-worker that I understood correctly, and ask if they knew already (again, being anxious that I'm an oaf for not knowing). I would hope that people won't condemn me as a gossip. I'm processing. There is, of course, a point past which gossip is just gossip.
I understand that my poly co-worker is not responsible for making these conditions happen. It's not other people's job to coddle me. But I offer this information in case it helps with your dilemma. Ideally, the social fabric will stretch and not tear.
posted by girlpublisher at 6:22 AM on December 20, 2016 [8 favorites]
(btw, when I say "shocked" in my answer above, I mean "Oh, weird!" and not "oh, nasty!")
posted by girlpublisher at 6:25 AM on December 20, 2016
posted by girlpublisher at 6:25 AM on December 20, 2016
" Really think deeply about what kind of validation you are looking for. If all you want is to be able to discuss your weekend, I think that will happen. If you want all your coworkers to be as supportive of your poly family as they are about what they understand to be your family now, that may not be achievable and you may want to wait if it's going to make it worse."
This.
Your question strikes me as not just "I want to feel comfortable about sharing my family with my colleagues" but "I want my colleagues to be totally cool and accepting of my family."
I'm from the east coast, grew up between New York and Boston and I know those "very liberal" people. Just because they're liberal about some things doesn't mean they buy into some Blanket Liberal Manifesto thinking. (See Election 2016.)
I have similar colleagues with whom I've shared many conversations that convinced me of their left (right) thinking. But then a couple of them were visibly uncomfortable when they learned that I am a black woman in a relationship with a white man.
Just remember that people are ... complicated.
Good luck.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 8:44 AM on December 20, 2016 [15 favorites]
This.
Your question strikes me as not just "I want to feel comfortable about sharing my family with my colleagues" but "I want my colleagues to be totally cool and accepting of my family."
I'm from the east coast, grew up between New York and Boston and I know those "very liberal" people. Just because they're liberal about some things doesn't mean they buy into some Blanket Liberal Manifesto thinking. (See Election 2016.)
I have similar colleagues with whom I've shared many conversations that convinced me of their left (right) thinking. But then a couple of them were visibly uncomfortable when they learned that I am a black woman in a relationship with a white man.
Just remember that people are ... complicated.
Good luck.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 8:44 AM on December 20, 2016 [15 favorites]
Hm I have been on the other side of this four or five times.
If you have a pretty close friend at work, I recommend coming out to them and getting them to tell everyone else. That way you can fully brief your friend (fully, meaning saying all the stuff you are comfortable sharing, plus saying what's off-limits), and then they can do the same with everyone else. That would get the message out without risking anybody accidentally saying something stupid or hurtful. And then you can put up pictures and speak casually and do whatever you want.
If you can't do that or don't want to, you could just start name-dropping both/all names, and answer questions honestly as they arise. But if you do that, I recommend using the word poly as soon as you can work it in. People at work mostly just want to be able to slot you into a framework they understand, and if poly doesn't give them that, it will at least give them something they can google later. That takes some of the burden of question-answering off you.
The one awkward coming-out conversation I had was with a colleague who was telling me about a recent holiday. She mentioned two male first names, in a way that was obviously supposed to be meaningful but that I just found confusing. I knew nothing about her personal life, and spent several minutes trying to infer who the two men were: were they her brothers, husband and brother, boyfriend and friend, husband and father? It was awkward/embarrassing, and I would have preferred if she'd just been direct and used the word poly. (Which she eventually did, yay, and after that it was fine.)
So I would vote for direct: it's simpler :)
posted by Susan PG at 12:39 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you have a pretty close friend at work, I recommend coming out to them and getting them to tell everyone else. That way you can fully brief your friend (fully, meaning saying all the stuff you are comfortable sharing, plus saying what's off-limits), and then they can do the same with everyone else. That would get the message out without risking anybody accidentally saying something stupid or hurtful. And then you can put up pictures and speak casually and do whatever you want.
If you can't do that or don't want to, you could just start name-dropping both/all names, and answer questions honestly as they arise. But if you do that, I recommend using the word poly as soon as you can work it in. People at work mostly just want to be able to slot you into a framework they understand, and if poly doesn't give them that, it will at least give them something they can google later. That takes some of the burden of question-answering off you.
The one awkward coming-out conversation I had was with a colleague who was telling me about a recent holiday. She mentioned two male first names, in a way that was obviously supposed to be meaningful but that I just found confusing. I knew nothing about her personal life, and spent several minutes trying to infer who the two men were: were they her brothers, husband and brother, boyfriend and friend, husband and father? It was awkward/embarrassing, and I would have preferred if she'd just been direct and used the word poly. (Which she eventually did, yay, and after that it was fine.)
So I would vote for direct: it's simpler :)
posted by Susan PG at 12:39 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Spell it out baldly for the office gossip. If your office has one, you probably already know who they are. They'll share, and you can just start talking about your partners as if everyone else already knows the scoop. Anyone who is curious enough to ask awkward questions will get the scoop from the office gossip, because they know who that person is, too. :-)
posted by elizilla at 2:15 PM on December 21, 2016
posted by elizilla at 2:15 PM on December 21, 2016
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posted by cecic at 12:23 PM on December 19, 2016 [28 favorites]