Bridal shower expectations for MOG

November 9, 2021 4:49 PM

I got an invitation today to a bridal shower for my future D-I-L. The shower is in 3 weeks on the west coast (I'm on the east coast). What is the expectation for me attending? We have never met or communicated with her parents so, if I go, should my husband and I both go and use it as an opportunity to meet them? Would this be interpreted as pushy since they haven't extended an invitation for us to meet them prior to the wedding? Not sure if it matters but they are Asian (we aren't) and we want to be sensitive to cultural differences.
posted by Flacka to Society & Culture (16 answers total)

Ask your son (and/or future daughter in law).
posted by atomicstone at 5:29 PM on November 9, 2021 [3 favorites]

You don’t have to go, just send a gift.
posted by cakelite at 5:29 PM on November 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

Call! It's a chance to talk to your DIL about something real but not that major. And you being willing to a) attend, and b) ask to find out what she prefers -- priceless :)
posted by amtho at 5:46 PM on November 9, 2021 [5 favorites]

I feel like calling the DIL about it just puts the DIL in a position where she has to say “oh, it would be lovely if you could come, but no worries if you can’t!” Which you can infer anyway. If you must involve someone, the obvious choice is your kid, who can be more straight with you about what’s expected. But really, just skip it and buy a gift off her registry.
posted by cakelite at 5:52 PM on November 9, 2021 [2 favorites]

You don’t even have to attend — it’s totally fine to send a card and a gift. If you decide to go, it does seem like a lovely opportunity to meet her parents, though!
posted by Ostara at 6:09 PM on November 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

Yeah I would send a gift with a card that basically says “sorry I couldn’t make it but I can’t wait to see you at the wedding!” I also wouldn’t think it would be weird to ask your son to just gauge it for you. I would feel much more comfortable having that conversation with my fiancé than with my future MIL, regardless of which way I felt about it.
posted by a.steele at 6:39 PM on November 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

Also meant to say that I think it’s customary to invite all the immediate women-family-members to bridal showers as a courtesy but not necessarily expected/assumed that you attend.
posted by a.steele at 6:43 PM on November 9, 2021 [17 favorites]

Great opportunity to open the channels of communication! Ask your son first to see how big a deal it will be - she might have a different ask/guess language than you do so good to know.

If you can swing it without major inconvenience, I find the shower, engagement party, etc events excessive, but nice to get everyone familiar before the wedding. It might be worth going - especially since you haven't met the parents yet. I think you definitely want to meet them pre-wedding!!

My experience is from a super-traditional Irish-Catholic family so your experience may vary. If you're family is close, expect a future of negotiating where the kids and future grandkids (if that's in the plan) will spend holidays and the level of interaction, so having a good relationship from the start is helpful.
posted by elvissa at 6:51 PM on November 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

If you have the financial means and time, this is a perfect opportunity to show your child and their partner how much you love and support them — by showing up and enjoying meeting the partner’s friends and family.

I think this would only be “pushy” if you showed up without an invite, so if the shower event is women-only, your husband can enjoy that time with your son.
posted by farkleberry at 7:07 PM on November 9, 2021

(I gendered because MOG = Mother of Groom)
posted by farkleberry at 7:08 PM on November 9, 2021 [12 favorites]

If the shower is only 3 weeks away on another coast and they didn’t run the date by you ahead of time, I’d assume it was a courtesy invite and you don’t actually have to go. However usually these types of events are a “low stakes” way of meeting additional family members and we rally worth attending even if you think I they’re silly or kind of a pain in the butt.

I’d ask your child though and ask about the rets of the guest list. If it’s all the future in-laws friends, that’s probably why you got a courtesy invite, if it’s all family members, it might be worth showing up.
posted by raccoon409 at 7:13 PM on November 9, 2021 [2 favorites]

Oh, and as for bringing your husband and meeting them, it’s a great way to say “we’re in town for the weekend, would everyone like to go out to breakfast? Our treat!”
posted by raccoon409 at 7:14 PM on November 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

we want to be sensitive to cultural differences

There's no way of knowing what the cultural situation is without communicating with the kids getting married. For all you know, they've been waiting for you to make the first move or trying not to make their own cultural faux pas. I'd try to make it clear to both your future daughter-in-law and her parents that you will support her very much and welcome the marriage very much, and I would personally err on the side of "pushing" more rather than less (in the sense of initiating contact, following up on various occasions, and definitely asking your DIL what she'd love to see happening between both sets of parents ideally).

As for the shower, I have no idea (not my culture). Definitely ask your DIL, or your son if you think she might be uncomfortable giving a straight answer. If you don't go, I would at least try for a phone/video call with both parents and DIL in the next few days. If you do go, that might also make a nice preliminary meeting.

Congratulations and good luck!
posted by trig at 8:13 PM on November 9, 2021 [2 favorites]

I'm an East Coast American with West Coast family who could find myself in the role of Mother of the Groom any time now and I think three weeks is not a super helpful amount of notice for a regular middle class employed person to go to a bridal shower to the West Coast from the East Coast. Also, 3 weeks from now is between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Multiply the not-helpfulness by 10 for holiday season travel.

If I received that invitation today I would decline.  I would have to.  I really couldn't afford it,(air travel alone, but add in hotel and rental car and it is really not affordable for me!) especially not with other wedding related expenses on the horizon.  Also I would need at least a day off work to swing it and 3 weeks is not enough notice for my workplace.

I don't know whether the bride and family would be offended if you didn't attend, but probably not.  

I wouldn't take offense though, at the lack of notice.  Wedding stuff is super hard, usually the people doing it are doing it for the first time and sometimes you only realize your mistakes in retrospect.

All that said though, if it's easy and affordable for you to go, you should go!  Meet that family!  Bring your husband if that is also easy and affordable.  It is not pushy for you to arrange meeting with the bride's family, you're going to be family, you may share grandchildren one day! 

No matter what, send a present and be in lots of phone contact with your kid and their intended. Congratulations to your and your family!
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 3:40 AM on November 10, 2021 [4 favorites]

Farkleberry, you right :)
posted by joycehealy at 3:41 AM on November 10, 2021 [1 favorite]

If I were involved in organizing this shower, I would assume that all female members of both families should get an invitation, so that everyone feels invited/included, but that especially in pandemic times, traveling long distances would not be expected. (and same with far-flung college friends etc for the "friends" shower)

But I cannot speak for the OP's future DIL's shower organizer's intentions.
posted by misterbrandt at 2:27 PM on November 10, 2021