Is asking my friends to stop texting me emotional content unreasonable?
October 16, 2021 6:45 PM Subscribe
I'm dealing with a new PTSD symptom due to a recent traumatic experience. It’s a strong panic response whenever any of my friends text me about their emotions, whether it's heavy issues or day-to-day annoyances. I don’t experience this response when I talk to them about their emotions in person. In the meantime, while I work on reducing the panic in therapy, I'm thinking of asking them to stop texting me about their feelings, and to wait until we can see each other in person. Is this a resonable boundary? If not, how can I make it fairer?
I went through a traumatic near-death experience of a family member last year, and much of the highly distressing information of that day was communicated to me through text. Thus, my brain now associates emotional texting with the traumatic event, and it's become a pretty intense trigger. As mentioned, any time I recieve a text about one of my friends having a hard time, feeling low, or even just getting pissed off at their boss, having a bad dream, a small spat with their brother, etc, my nervous system feels like it's in flames and that the Awful Thing is happening all over again, and it derails me for hours. Any text that contains emotion, no matter if it's a Big Issue or just a smaller annoyance, provokes this sort of reaction. It's not an issue of "my friends are constantly venting heavy emotions to me and it's too much", it's more like "my friends are texting me about having any emotions at all, like normal human beings, and I can't handle it".
Being triggered by these texts makes me feel like a bad friend who can't be present or supportive. I obviously can't currently control my immediate response of fight/flight, though I am able to have enough presence of mind to formulate a normal, not-freaked-out response to their text about their grumpy coworker or the weird dream they had so I'm not overloading them with my own trauma all the time, either. But that also means they have no idea their pretty normal, day-to-day texts are so stressful for me. I haven't told them yet, though I do want to.
Now, something useful I've noticed is that I don't get the same intense flashback-esque, fight/flight reaction when I'm with those same friends in person (following COVID guidelines and being safe, of course!!) even if they're expressing really intense or heavy emotions or anything in between. Texting as a format seems to be the trigger, not my friends' emotions in of themselves.
So... I had a thought. Temporarily, while I settle in with a new trauma therapist and work through these symptoms and they (hopefully!) improve—maybe I could ask my friends to avoid texting me about their emotions, and to just keep the texting side of things about more mundane, lighter stuff? I'd avoid texting them about my own emotional stuff, too, just so things wouldn't feel unbalanced or unfair. If it's really important, a Zoom call could do in a pinch, which is less triggering than a text but still harder for me than in person, but it's also a possibility.
That way we'd leave the emotional conversations for when we meet up in person, which is roughly once or twice a week, sometimes less. And it wouldn't just be "let's meet for an hour and vent forever", I know that could get iffy too and I want to balance it out with fun activities and lighter things too, but still, that in-person time would be open for feelings if we wanted that.
All that said, I haven't brought this idea up to my friends, because it feels pretty... Unreasonable. There's boundaries, and then there's "hey, don't text me when you're struggling or even just having a weird day because it freaks me out!" Texting is a pretty integral part of my friendships right now, we've done it pretty much do it daily for years and years and it's a back-and-forth sort of dynamic, so asking my loved ones to just... Stop, especially when they might want a shoulder to lean on or are simply having a crappy day? Goddamn, that feels cruel. I don't want to freeze them out like that.
But having my body go into such an extreme state every time I get a vaguely emotional text is severely burning me out, and I feel like I need a break from the constant hypervigilance and relentless triggers while I work through this traumatic experience in my own time and at my own pace. I do plan to resume somewhat normal texting eventually, once I've processed this trauma a little more and feel safer in my nervous system, but feeling less reactive is going to take months at the least.
And that feels like way too big of favor to ask. What if I break down my relationships by hampering our daily avenue of communication? What if they feel like I'm slow-fading them or am rejecting them or their feelings? They're all wonderful, kind, understanding people and we've had plenty of previous conversations about healthy boundaries, protecting mental health, etc, so I highly doubt they would think that, but still, all of that is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to degrade my important relationships with friends and family, but I also want to take care of my mental health until I'm in a place where I can work with these texting triggers and not immediately spiral, and getting to that healthier, more grounded place is going to take time.
So, my question is: does this "please don't text me about any of your feelings, but we can talk about our respective emotions in person soon" boundary seem unreasonable? Please be gentle but honest with me here; I'm really struggling to see this from an outsider's perspective. If it does feel a little too unreasonable, any other ideas on how to make all of this less unfair or hard on my friends? Is there a middle ground or another way to handle this that I'm not thinking of, maybe? I very much plan to bring this up to a therapist, I know you're not my therapist, but I wanted to see if anyone here had any input or experience with something similar, too. Thank you so much!
I went through a traumatic near-death experience of a family member last year, and much of the highly distressing information of that day was communicated to me through text. Thus, my brain now associates emotional texting with the traumatic event, and it's become a pretty intense trigger. As mentioned, any time I recieve a text about one of my friends having a hard time, feeling low, or even just getting pissed off at their boss, having a bad dream, a small spat with their brother, etc, my nervous system feels like it's in flames and that the Awful Thing is happening all over again, and it derails me for hours. Any text that contains emotion, no matter if it's a Big Issue or just a smaller annoyance, provokes this sort of reaction. It's not an issue of "my friends are constantly venting heavy emotions to me and it's too much", it's more like "my friends are texting me about having any emotions at all, like normal human beings, and I can't handle it".
Being triggered by these texts makes me feel like a bad friend who can't be present or supportive. I obviously can't currently control my immediate response of fight/flight, though I am able to have enough presence of mind to formulate a normal, not-freaked-out response to their text about their grumpy coworker or the weird dream they had so I'm not overloading them with my own trauma all the time, either. But that also means they have no idea their pretty normal, day-to-day texts are so stressful for me. I haven't told them yet, though I do want to.
Now, something useful I've noticed is that I don't get the same intense flashback-esque, fight/flight reaction when I'm with those same friends in person (following COVID guidelines and being safe, of course!!) even if they're expressing really intense or heavy emotions or anything in between. Texting as a format seems to be the trigger, not my friends' emotions in of themselves.
So... I had a thought. Temporarily, while I settle in with a new trauma therapist and work through these symptoms and they (hopefully!) improve—maybe I could ask my friends to avoid texting me about their emotions, and to just keep the texting side of things about more mundane, lighter stuff? I'd avoid texting them about my own emotional stuff, too, just so things wouldn't feel unbalanced or unfair. If it's really important, a Zoom call could do in a pinch, which is less triggering than a text but still harder for me than in person, but it's also a possibility.
That way we'd leave the emotional conversations for when we meet up in person, which is roughly once or twice a week, sometimes less. And it wouldn't just be "let's meet for an hour and vent forever", I know that could get iffy too and I want to balance it out with fun activities and lighter things too, but still, that in-person time would be open for feelings if we wanted that.
All that said, I haven't brought this idea up to my friends, because it feels pretty... Unreasonable. There's boundaries, and then there's "hey, don't text me when you're struggling or even just having a weird day because it freaks me out!" Texting is a pretty integral part of my friendships right now, we've done it pretty much do it daily for years and years and it's a back-and-forth sort of dynamic, so asking my loved ones to just... Stop, especially when they might want a shoulder to lean on or are simply having a crappy day? Goddamn, that feels cruel. I don't want to freeze them out like that.
But having my body go into such an extreme state every time I get a vaguely emotional text is severely burning me out, and I feel like I need a break from the constant hypervigilance and relentless triggers while I work through this traumatic experience in my own time and at my own pace. I do plan to resume somewhat normal texting eventually, once I've processed this trauma a little more and feel safer in my nervous system, but feeling less reactive is going to take months at the least.
And that feels like way too big of favor to ask. What if I break down my relationships by hampering our daily avenue of communication? What if they feel like I'm slow-fading them or am rejecting them or their feelings? They're all wonderful, kind, understanding people and we've had plenty of previous conversations about healthy boundaries, protecting mental health, etc, so I highly doubt they would think that, but still, all of that is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to degrade my important relationships with friends and family, but I also want to take care of my mental health until I'm in a place where I can work with these texting triggers and not immediately spiral, and getting to that healthier, more grounded place is going to take time.
So, my question is: does this "please don't text me about any of your feelings, but we can talk about our respective emotions in person soon" boundary seem unreasonable? Please be gentle but honest with me here; I'm really struggling to see this from an outsider's perspective. If it does feel a little too unreasonable, any other ideas on how to make all of this less unfair or hard on my friends? Is there a middle ground or another way to handle this that I'm not thinking of, maybe? I very much plan to bring this up to a therapist, I know you're not my therapist, but I wanted to see if anyone here had any input or experience with something similar, too. Thank you so much!
I'll be interested in other takes, but did have one thought: would switching to a different service (like WhatsApp or Google Chat or Instagram DMs or anything) maybe help?
posted by Threeve at 7:07 PM on October 16, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by Threeve at 7:07 PM on October 16, 2021 [5 favorites]
Just to be clear— when you say you can’t bear text describing emotions do you mean strong negative emotions?
Or would an enthusiastically positive text cause problems?
Can you change the alert sound or appearance of your phone perhaps?
Or maybe ask friends to text as a way to ask you to call them for a brief chat. It might be kind of an interesting social experiment…
posted by calgirl at 7:31 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
Or would an enthusiastically positive text cause problems?
Can you change the alert sound or appearance of your phone perhaps?
Or maybe ask friends to text as a way to ask you to call them for a brief chat. It might be kind of an interesting social experiment…
posted by calgirl at 7:31 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
Just so you know it's possible, my social circle keeps texting to pretty light stuff. I'm even having trouble imagining how that would work otherwise, maybe we even go too far the other way. But, clearly I think that what you are asking is reasonable.
You are a little fragile right now and in need of a break. If you were my friend I would understand entirely, and I would certainly appreciate the head's up as well as the chance to show you what a good friend I am by helping to take care of you in a time of need (by keeping my texts light).
posted by maggiemaggie at 7:32 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
You are a little fragile right now and in need of a break. If you were my friend I would understand entirely, and I would certainly appreciate the head's up as well as the chance to show you what a good friend I am by helping to take care of you in a time of need (by keeping my texts light).
posted by maggiemaggie at 7:32 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
This is, to me, very obviously a reasonable request. I think you'll have to be specific in explaining your needs to your friends, as I wouldn't assume that telling someone I had a bad dream would be upsetting to them without it spelled out to me. Are you generally someone who feels a particular responsibility for others' emotions? Maybe your trauma has encouraged you to be that sort of person. It's certainly not cruel to prioritize dealing with your own trauma response over your friends' regular bad days. They're gonna be okay. They can text each other if they need to. Honestly, it's okay to not always be the person your friends lean on even if you don't have such a good reason as trauma.
You are a thoughtful friend and clear communicator. Your friends will understand and want to show you the same care you show them.
posted by Comet Bug at 7:38 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
You are a thoughtful friend and clear communicator. Your friends will understand and want to show you the same care you show them.
posted by Comet Bug at 7:38 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
This boundary is very reasonable! My feedback for you is to be clear when setting your boundary about what kind of texting is okay for you/not okay for you. If I heard you say don't text me about emotional stuff, I wouldn't necessarily think that a text about a small annoyance would fit that criteria. It's good to be a specific as possible so that your friends can respect your boundaries.
In the meantime, just mute all text notifications if you can. I have done this for certain threads that are usually very negative and only check them when I've prepared myself mentally for what I'm going to read.
posted by pumpkinlatte at 7:45 PM on October 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
In the meantime, just mute all text notifications if you can. I have done this for certain threads that are usually very negative and only check them when I've prepared myself mentally for what I'm going to read.
posted by pumpkinlatte at 7:45 PM on October 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
It's completely reasonable to ask your friends to not do something that causes you distress.
posted by bunderful at 7:46 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 7:46 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
“Honestly, I’m having a hard time with text dumps about hard feelings right now - everything is just so much! Can we catch up about that over the phone or in person?”
You don’t need to justify or go into a huge explanation, you can just gently set the boundary that this isn’t how you want to do emotions.
posted by Bottlecap at 7:55 PM on October 16, 2021 [10 favorites]
You don’t need to justify or go into a huge explanation, you can just gently set the boundary that this isn’t how you want to do emotions.
posted by Bottlecap at 7:55 PM on October 16, 2021 [10 favorites]
Does it help if you think of this as asking your friends for support rather than setting a boundary (which is often language used in the context of people who aren't paying attention and showing concern for your needs) Let's assume that these are friends who care about you. So finding out that a casual comment from them causes you outsized distress would make them not want to do that. Letting them know that you still care about their feelings and want to hear about them (in a way that let's you take them in and respond appropriately) means that you aren't asking for a lopsided relationship
I think the key point to share are
- this is a trauma response to the near death of a loved one last year - you know this isn't how you want things to be with your friends but for now this is where you are.
- Give an example of something that seems mild but feels like too much so they can understand and be correctly calibrated
- Let them know that this is really only about texts, in person the normal give and take about feelings and emotions is fine
If you share this and someone doesn't follow your request then you can decide to what degree you want to repeat the request and to what degree you choose to disengage. But first give your friends a chance to act like friends.
posted by metahawk at 8:23 PM on October 16, 2021 [25 favorites]
I think the key point to share are
- this is a trauma response to the near death of a loved one last year - you know this isn't how you want things to be with your friends but for now this is where you are.
- Give an example of something that seems mild but feels like too much so they can understand and be correctly calibrated
- Let them know that this is really only about texts, in person the normal give and take about feelings and emotions is fine
If you share this and someone doesn't follow your request then you can decide to what degree you want to repeat the request and to what degree you choose to disengage. But first give your friends a chance to act like friends.
posted by metahawk at 8:23 PM on October 16, 2021 [25 favorites]
I would be 100% ok accommodating my friends with this request! Depending on how quickly you want to establish this boundary, I recommend doing it in person or over the phone. It’s a very ok and reasonable boundary, but unusual enough that having the warmth of presence to field any questions will help your friends process and adapt without feeling rejected.
If you want to do it now/over text, can you do a group text to the affected people? It would help frame the request as something you want from your community across the board, rather than just one person. A group effort of support is easier than feeling like the only one asked to hold back. You may need to remind people individually, but there will still be the shared context.
posted by itesser at 8:27 PM on October 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
If you want to do it now/over text, can you do a group text to the affected people? It would help frame the request as something you want from your community across the board, rather than just one person. A group effort of support is easier than feeling like the only one asked to hold back. You may need to remind people individually, but there will still be the shared context.
posted by itesser at 8:27 PM on October 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
I would really want to know this was happening if you were my friend. I wouldn't want to be triggering you when all I'm doing is bitching about how my lunch sucked.
posted by praemunire at 8:58 PM on October 16, 2021 [11 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 8:58 PM on October 16, 2021 [11 favorites]
This wouldn't be a reasonable request permanently, in my opinion, but is ABSOLUTELY a reasonable request temporarily as you work to heal. Think of it as the difference between "I've decided I never want to carry something for anyone else, whether they're asking me to pick up a heavy bag or just hold their leftovers while they tie their shoe, I won't do it, I'm setting a boundary" vs. "I have literally broken both my wrists." You're not really taking away emotional support from your friends, since you're happy to talk to them on the phone or face to face or on Zoom—what you're doing is giving them a way to support you while healing from trauma. Just be open with them about what's going on with you, and let them know that you're working with a therapist (you're really the one putting in the bulk of the effort here, after all). If setting up phone calls feels too momentous and they just want to talk about low-stakes stuff throughout the day, maybe you can email or, I don't know, get on a Slack together.
posted by babelfish at 9:13 PM on October 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by babelfish at 9:13 PM on October 16, 2021 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I'm not sure the 'boundary' language is helping you here - sounds more like 'crap, turns out that freaks me out at the moment!' I think most people would be glad to help you.
Also seconding the suggestions above to change apps, change look/feel/sound of your messaging, heck you could even change your phone if that's an option.
posted by inexorably_forward at 10:41 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
Also seconding the suggestions above to change apps, change look/feel/sound of your messaging, heck you could even change your phone if that's an option.
posted by inexorably_forward at 10:41 PM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
I think for them to be able to understand the request, you may want to draw a brighter line than "emotional", even if it then excludes some things that are actually fine. Better than them not realizing their funny grumpy coworker story is an emotion, and then you having to deal with the whole topic all over again!
But it would be totally understandable if you wanted to say, for instance, after X was in the car crash (or however they would know of the incident) you are having some issues with texts setting off a fight or flight response. You're working on it but for now you only want to talk about minimum necessary logistics over text, for anything beyond "running late see you in 10" or "at table 5" could they please call or send email, or save it for in-person gatherings?
Giving other ways to reach out when they are just thinking of you and want to be connected would be nice if true (if calls really are fine, for example). And if you want to cut off texts all together - turn off your notifications and tell folks to call you, check texts only when you're seated at a restaurant wondering where on earth someone is out not even then - that's also a thing you could do.
posted by Lady Li at 11:35 PM on October 16, 2021
But it would be totally understandable if you wanted to say, for instance, after X was in the car crash (or however they would know of the incident) you are having some issues with texts setting off a fight or flight response. You're working on it but for now you only want to talk about minimum necessary logistics over text, for anything beyond "running late see you in 10" or "at table 5" could they please call or send email, or save it for in-person gatherings?
Giving other ways to reach out when they are just thinking of you and want to be connected would be nice if true (if calls really are fine, for example). And if you want to cut off texts all together - turn off your notifications and tell folks to call you, check texts only when you're seated at a restaurant wondering where on earth someone is out not even then - that's also a thing you could do.
posted by Lady Li at 11:35 PM on October 16, 2021
Nthing everybody that I’d happily stop texting you about anything emotional if you asked me to. But I would never consider some of your example to be emotional. So perhaps figure out a few topics you’ve texted about with friends that were fine and request they stick to those for the time being.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:49 AM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:49 AM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
I've had some heavily generalized triggers like this before and they are awful so I sympathize with you. It is such a slog and you can get through this. For now, you just need to life preserve and so what you need to do to get through this. That's okay. Completely understandable. I would support you in any way i could of you asked this of me.
I do want you to be aware, especially if the depth of the trigger is as broad I'm interpreting it to be you might have difficulty maintaining some of these friendships at their current level if they concider this an important part of your friendship. The more you limit some fairly basic communication, the less people can connect with you, and that might have some consequences even with people who are 100% supportive and really want to be your friend. Because you start missing out on little things that just weren't worth a phone call for whatever reason.
I really encourage you to start to seriously explore if there are some things to make this easier for you in the short term, sometimes it is fairly easy to trick the mind into this is okay, sometimes it is not. Changing the color of the screen, using a diffrent app or event font, buying a different phone might help break the association. It might not. Things like this can be very very elusive and difficult. I've had triggers where stuff like that has worked well enough, and I've had stuff where it hasn't worked at all. Usually with this types of thing EMDR was really helpful.
Good luck and take gentle care of you.
posted by AlexiaSky at 1:35 AM on October 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
I do want you to be aware, especially if the depth of the trigger is as broad I'm interpreting it to be you might have difficulty maintaining some of these friendships at their current level if they concider this an important part of your friendship. The more you limit some fairly basic communication, the less people can connect with you, and that might have some consequences even with people who are 100% supportive and really want to be your friend. Because you start missing out on little things that just weren't worth a phone call for whatever reason.
I really encourage you to start to seriously explore if there are some things to make this easier for you in the short term, sometimes it is fairly easy to trick the mind into this is okay, sometimes it is not. Changing the color of the screen, using a diffrent app or event font, buying a different phone might help break the association. It might not. Things like this can be very very elusive and difficult. I've had triggers where stuff like that has worked well enough, and I've had stuff where it hasn't worked at all. Usually with this types of thing EMDR was really helpful.
Good luck and take gentle care of you.
posted by AlexiaSky at 1:35 AM on October 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
I think that it might be difficult to request that someone avoid certain topics over text while allowing other topics, where the line between the two might not always be clear.
How about just doing some kind of "digital cleanse" for a period of time? You could trial a month of texting being used only to organise your next in person meet up.
Maybe once you have processed this trigger more you can discuss this in person and come up with nuanced boundaries?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:46 AM on October 17, 2021 [10 favorites]
How about just doing some kind of "digital cleanse" for a period of time? You could trial a month of texting being used only to organise your next in person meet up.
Maybe once you have processed this trigger more you can discuss this in person and come up with nuanced boundaries?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:46 AM on October 17, 2021 [10 favorites]
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I like the suggestions that involve switching it up-- changing apps, or using texts only to ask for a phone call. Texting is just apt to get stressful, in my opinion. If your friends have a history of texting emotionally-charged stuff, you may get stressed upon seeing that there is a text, independent of anything about the content. And if you just say texting is apt to stress you out, it's not a comment on that particular person at all.
posted by BibiRose at 6:38 AM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 6:38 AM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
Lots of good advice already. In a similar vein to switching it up, after my sister died I had to change my text ringtone because I associated that sound most with her. It still pinged some stress responses in me, but I could process it better than I could with the usual tone.
Some of my friend circle have also gotten in the habit of picking an emoji to signal ‘are you up for talking?’ If we weren’t, we could text back a different emoji; if we were, we’d write back. I imagine you could message back that you’ll write back in 2 minutes, then take that time to slow down and reset— do some breathing exercises, acknowledge your reactions, remind yourself that your friends are reaching out because they care about you, remind yourself you are safe in your body. That might not be right away if it’s really acute, but sometimes making a boundary can be resetting expectations about how immediately you respond too. We’re trained w/texts to respond fast but sometimes you need to carve out space differently.
posted by actionpact at 8:37 AM on October 17, 2021
Some of my friend circle have also gotten in the habit of picking an emoji to signal ‘are you up for talking?’ If we weren’t, we could text back a different emoji; if we were, we’d write back. I imagine you could message back that you’ll write back in 2 minutes, then take that time to slow down and reset— do some breathing exercises, acknowledge your reactions, remind yourself that your friends are reaching out because they care about you, remind yourself you are safe in your body. That might not be right away if it’s really acute, but sometimes making a boundary can be resetting expectations about how immediately you respond too. We’re trained w/texts to respond fast but sometimes you need to carve out space differently.
posted by actionpact at 8:37 AM on October 17, 2021
Although I think it’s 100% ok to have these sorts of boundaries and enforce them, I do think youre putting a little bit of the emotional labour on your friend to try and decide whats an emotional text or not. If I was that friend, having to worry that my text would trigger you would probably keep me from texting at all, I’d rather be safe than sorry and not upset you!
Instead, it might be easier to make a more black-and-white ask. “Hey - because of everything, communication by text is really hard for me right now. I’m 110% ok with phone cals though! Call me, lets chat! I do want to hear about your life, I just cant with texts right now until I work though some things”.
posted by cgg at 8:45 AM on October 17, 2021 [9 favorites]
Instead, it might be easier to make a more black-and-white ask. “Hey - because of everything, communication by text is really hard for me right now. I’m 110% ok with phone cals though! Call me, lets chat! I do want to hear about your life, I just cant with texts right now until I work though some things”.
posted by cgg at 8:45 AM on October 17, 2021 [9 favorites]
This is absolutely reasonable and if you were my friend, I would want to know what is going on so that I could avoid doing anything that upsets you.
I do agree, though, that the language of "boundaries" can sometimes imply criticism, so framing it as a request for support is probably a good idea. "Could you guys help me out by texting me only with factual stuff, and asking for a call to discuss anything emotional, since I'm having an issue after dealing with a traumatic situation over text last year" would probably work.
posted by rpfields at 10:13 AM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
I do agree, though, that the language of "boundaries" can sometimes imply criticism, so framing it as a request for support is probably a good idea. "Could you guys help me out by texting me only with factual stuff, and asking for a call to discuss anything emotional, since I'm having an issue after dealing with a traumatic situation over text last year" would probably work.
posted by rpfields at 10:13 AM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
This is totally reasonable and I would definitely want my friend to tell me if they were experiencing something similar.
As others have said, it might be hard to make sure everyone understands what counts as an emotional text for you - e.g. I wouldn’t consider mentioning a bad dream emotional. Perhaps consider saying that you would prefer logistical texts only for now - things like setting up a phone call or planning to meet up, but nothing chatty.
posted by insectosaurus at 10:32 AM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
As others have said, it might be hard to make sure everyone understands what counts as an emotional text for you - e.g. I wouldn’t consider mentioning a bad dream emotional. Perhaps consider saying that you would prefer logistical texts only for now - things like setting up a phone call or planning to meet up, but nothing chatty.
posted by insectosaurus at 10:32 AM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
I can understand this trigger. I've experienced it in a lesser form and I still get a swoop of terror in my gut whenever I get a text or notification that looks like it might be Something Serious.
Agreeing with everyone else that this is absolutely a reasonable boundary to talk to your friends about and that I'm glad you're speaking to a counsellor.
Just something to ask, sorry if it's been covered -- is it the emotions in the texts, or is it the text notifications themselves? In the meantime, would changing something about your phone setup/notifications help distance you from that experience? Maybe getting a new phone if you can, changing a ringtone/vibration, switching to a different message app?
posted by fight or flight at 11:49 AM on October 17, 2021
Agreeing with everyone else that this is absolutely a reasonable boundary to talk to your friends about and that I'm glad you're speaking to a counsellor.
Just something to ask, sorry if it's been covered -- is it the emotions in the texts, or is it the text notifications themselves? In the meantime, would changing something about your phone setup/notifications help distance you from that experience? Maybe getting a new phone if you can, changing a ringtone/vibration, switching to a different message app?
posted by fight or flight at 11:49 AM on October 17, 2021
Might also help to leave your phone in Do Not Disturb mode 24/7 and only look at texts a couple times a day when you're prepared to do so.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:38 PM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 1:38 PM on October 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I've mulled it over with your answers in mind, and I definitely agree that it's a complicated request because the texts that can be triggering are so generalized. I don't want my friends to be constantly overthinking what they can or can't text me—but I also need to find a way to stabilize my mental health and not be constantly dysregulated while I work through this particular traumatic event with a professional.
So, what I've decided on is: I'll try switching up my phone layout/notification settings/etc, and I also told my friends that I'm taking a digital cleanse for a few days to reset my burned out nervous system. A small break from texting isn't a permanent solution, obviously, so—after I've had these few days to get back to baseline, I'm planning on meeting my friends in person and brainstorming with them. Instead of trying to come up with all this on my own, why not collaborate? I'll go to them with the request that I need support here because many types of texting can be triggering right now, but that I also don't want to alienate them or hinder our friendships too badly. I'll offer up lots of your guys' ideas and see what they think, what ideas they have, the whole nine yards.
I am putting some emotional labor on them by not sorting it all out before I talk to them, I know, but I don't think I can gauge what the best compromise is until I actually speak to them. Thanks so much for the help and all the great feedback and ideas on how to make this easier! I really appreciate it, and I have hope that I'm going to figure this out eventually.
posted by Anonymous at 4:54 PM on October 17, 2021
So, what I've decided on is: I'll try switching up my phone layout/notification settings/etc, and I also told my friends that I'm taking a digital cleanse for a few days to reset my burned out nervous system. A small break from texting isn't a permanent solution, obviously, so—after I've had these few days to get back to baseline, I'm planning on meeting my friends in person and brainstorming with them. Instead of trying to come up with all this on my own, why not collaborate? I'll go to them with the request that I need support here because many types of texting can be triggering right now, but that I also don't want to alienate them or hinder our friendships too badly. I'll offer up lots of your guys' ideas and see what they think, what ideas they have, the whole nine yards.
I am putting some emotional labor on them by not sorting it all out before I talk to them, I know, but I don't think I can gauge what the best compromise is until I actually speak to them. Thanks so much for the help and all the great feedback and ideas on how to make this easier! I really appreciate it, and I have hope that I'm going to figure this out eventually.
posted by Anonymous at 4:54 PM on October 17, 2021
This is a slightly different issue, but some friends and I had to deal with something similar when too many of us and our general acquaintance circle were in emotional crisis states and had talked each other down from dangerous situations or emergencies. We started prefacing heavy emotional content with basically non-emergency disclaimers, saying “this isn’t a crisis, but can I vent?” or “can I talk about something in chat and you get back to me when you can, it’s not urgent, I am OK” etc. That kind of communication might help in the long run while you’re dealing with this as a trigger.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:55 PM on October 17, 2021
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:55 PM on October 17, 2021
An additional thing you might find helpful would be turning off all text notifications. That way the only time you see them is when you go looking for them, and you can brace yourself to deal with content your friends may not realize is triggering even after you have this conversation with them. I've muted certain friends like this, and it makes a big difference to not have them pop up unexpectedly.
posted by metasarah at 7:44 AM on October 18, 2021
posted by metasarah at 7:44 AM on October 18, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brook horse at 7:06 PM on October 16, 2021 [5 favorites]