How to support my sibling from afar?
October 6, 2021 1:46 PM Subscribe
My sibling moved to a small town with their partner and has been mentioning some concerns about their partner's mental health. I worry they are taking too much of a burden on themselves when their partner may need professional treatment, and that they are becoming ever more isolated. How can I best help my sibling?
My sibling moved away from our city with their partner many years ago. While they are well settled in a beautiful home and have good jobs, and the in-laws are close, my sibling has no family or friends of her own nearby. My sibling has never been much of a social butterfly so it suited them fine, but I worried that it might eventually become lonely and isolating for them.
Over the past couple of years my sibling has confided in some aspects of their partner's behavior that have been increasing in severity and are starting to affect their relationship in negative ways. To be clear, I have no professional qualifications and no basis for diagnosing their partner with mental illness, though I am familiar with the definitions and symptoms of various disorders. I am mainly concerned about the effect their partner's behavior has on my sibling.
My sibling has coped by accommodating their partner in various ways, which means they are taking on additional responsibilities and stress, instead of their partner taking responsibility and seeking outside help. Their partner does not seem to acknowledge that their behavior and limitations are outside of the norm. Their partner has always been very rigid, but it's reaching a point where my sibling does all the compromising because it's easier than getting into conflicts. They are aware that this may be enabling their partner to become further ensconced, but do not believe their partner would agree to see a medical professional.
I am trying to show my sibling support by validating their feelings, and reinforcing their sense of agency and ability to say no instead of bending over backward every time. It really concerns me that they might begin to see this relationship dynamic as normal, or begin to internalize disordered patterns of thinking given their lack of other close relationships.
I only see my sibling a few times a year, though we are in touch frequently over phone and text message. How can I check on their wellbeing without overstepping? What else can I do to support them?
My sibling moved away from our city with their partner many years ago. While they are well settled in a beautiful home and have good jobs, and the in-laws are close, my sibling has no family or friends of her own nearby. My sibling has never been much of a social butterfly so it suited them fine, but I worried that it might eventually become lonely and isolating for them.
Over the past couple of years my sibling has confided in some aspects of their partner's behavior that have been increasing in severity and are starting to affect their relationship in negative ways. To be clear, I have no professional qualifications and no basis for diagnosing their partner with mental illness, though I am familiar with the definitions and symptoms of various disorders. I am mainly concerned about the effect their partner's behavior has on my sibling.
My sibling has coped by accommodating their partner in various ways, which means they are taking on additional responsibilities and stress, instead of their partner taking responsibility and seeking outside help. Their partner does not seem to acknowledge that their behavior and limitations are outside of the norm. Their partner has always been very rigid, but it's reaching a point where my sibling does all the compromising because it's easier than getting into conflicts. They are aware that this may be enabling their partner to become further ensconced, but do not believe their partner would agree to see a medical professional.
I am trying to show my sibling support by validating their feelings, and reinforcing their sense of agency and ability to say no instead of bending over backward every time. It really concerns me that they might begin to see this relationship dynamic as normal, or begin to internalize disordered patterns of thinking given their lack of other close relationships.
I only see my sibling a few times a year, though we are in touch frequently over phone and text message. How can I check on their wellbeing without overstepping? What else can I do to support them?
No matter what the issues actually “are,” two things will help. Your sibling growing their own support system, and going to therapy themselves.
posted by raccoon409 at 3:20 PM on October 6, 2021
posted by raccoon409 at 3:20 PM on October 6, 2021
As someone in your sister’s shoes, it would help me to know you support me, even if my relationship looks like something you wouldn’t want, and that you’d continue to support me if I decided it was something I didn’t want. I personally would need you to be very frank about this - acknowledge it sounds like A Lot, and if your sister is committed to staying, being clear that you’re here for her despite that and open to venting without saying DTMFA.
posted by OrangeVelour at 4:18 PM on October 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by OrangeVelour at 4:18 PM on October 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
If you think the local in-laws are a resource for your sibling, even as additional witnesses to the spouse's behavior (especially while in the home), encourage sibling to socialize with them and, specifically, invite them over more often. On the fly, or sibling could start a regular "every other Sunday"/"the first Tuesday of every month"/etc. extended-family dinner at home.
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:18 PM on October 6, 2021
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:18 PM on October 6, 2021
Having been in your sibling's shoes or very similar ones, I think you should just say next time this comes up that it sounds like a lot to deal with, you want to be supportive but aren't sure of the best way, and you hope they'll let you know if you can ever do anything. Since they have mentioned concerns to you it sounds like there are at least some times they want to talk about it and are free to do so, so next time that happens, lean into it.
posted by Stacey at 5:26 PM on October 6, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 5:26 PM on October 6, 2021 [3 favorites]
Thank you for being there for your sibling. Having been in an unhealthy relationship myself, here is what I would suggest.
First, yes, just reiterate to your sibling that you're happy to be someone to talk and vent to, and validate that you know they can make good choices and you support them. One of the hardest things about being in such a relationship is that you gradually lose faith in your own ability to decide -- whether because your partner is deliberately undermining it, or just because you've slowly wandered into "this is unbelievable shit" territory and you yourself don't understand how you got there or what to do.
Second, try to non-judgmentally provide perspective. Because you second-guess yourself so much in relationships like this, you eventually lose a sense of what is reasonable or not. It helped me so much to hear friends say things like "if my partner did that, I'd be upset" or "that seems kind of unfair to me; what do you think?" or "are you doing okay with this? I'd find it really hard." Seriously you need to say this as non-judgmentally as possible and be prepared for them to say something like "it's fine with me!" either because it genuinely is or because they're so used to being defensive that it's an automatic response. But if you continue being a loving witness, and if they realise you're not going to force your interpretation of things on them but also are willing to hear their doubts without going all HULK SMASH YOU MUST LEAVE YOUR PARTNER IMMEDIATELY then I bet they will eventually open up.
When/if they do express doubts or worries or anything, your number one role is to just try to listen and understand. Because there might be issues there you're not seeing (there probably are) and it's possible that your interpretation and what you think they "should" do is wrong. The main thing they need is for someone to share this stuff with. As they do, don't feel like you have to lie by telling them something is okay when it's not, but resist the temptation to offer advice -- instead, if they seem to want it, approach it where your role is as a collaborator rather than advisor. ("So, what do you think your options are?" or "what would you like to happen here?" or "what are you afraid of?" or whatever). The friends I had who talked through options and interpretations and possible consequences were so wonderful to me, way better than anybody who just said "you should do X" or whatever.
Finally, yes, if they don't want to talk to you (or all of this is beyond your emotional capacity -- it's totally fine if it is) then there are other things you can do that are helpful. (1) Suggest they get into therapy and help them find it (or pay for it if you can and that's an issue). The easier you make it for them, the more likely they are to do it. My therapist saved me. Don't frame it as being about their relationship if they'll be resistant to it; just say something like things seem really hard right now and it could be helpful to have a disinterested person to talk to. If you have anecdotes from your life or friends where therapy has been helpful, share them. and (2) yes if you can give them space from their partner for a little while, that would be wonderful, even if you never talk about their relationship or situation at all. Like invite them to visit for a week or fly out for a "sibling weekend" or see if you can encourage them to volunteer or whatever. Just being out of the situation and not dealing with the day-to-day can really bring home how miserable and untenable it is, and the breathing space and perspective might lay the seeds for your sibling making some hard decisions. And if not, well, at least you gave them a few days of fun and respite!
posted by contrapositive at 9:28 PM on October 6, 2021 [5 favorites]
First, yes, just reiterate to your sibling that you're happy to be someone to talk and vent to, and validate that you know they can make good choices and you support them. One of the hardest things about being in such a relationship is that you gradually lose faith in your own ability to decide -- whether because your partner is deliberately undermining it, or just because you've slowly wandered into "this is unbelievable shit" territory and you yourself don't understand how you got there or what to do.
Second, try to non-judgmentally provide perspective. Because you second-guess yourself so much in relationships like this, you eventually lose a sense of what is reasonable or not. It helped me so much to hear friends say things like "if my partner did that, I'd be upset" or "that seems kind of unfair to me; what do you think?" or "are you doing okay with this? I'd find it really hard." Seriously you need to say this as non-judgmentally as possible and be prepared for them to say something like "it's fine with me!" either because it genuinely is or because they're so used to being defensive that it's an automatic response. But if you continue being a loving witness, and if they realise you're not going to force your interpretation of things on them but also are willing to hear their doubts without going all HULK SMASH YOU MUST LEAVE YOUR PARTNER IMMEDIATELY then I bet they will eventually open up.
When/if they do express doubts or worries or anything, your number one role is to just try to listen and understand. Because there might be issues there you're not seeing (there probably are) and it's possible that your interpretation and what you think they "should" do is wrong. The main thing they need is for someone to share this stuff with. As they do, don't feel like you have to lie by telling them something is okay when it's not, but resist the temptation to offer advice -- instead, if they seem to want it, approach it where your role is as a collaborator rather than advisor. ("So, what do you think your options are?" or "what would you like to happen here?" or "what are you afraid of?" or whatever). The friends I had who talked through options and interpretations and possible consequences were so wonderful to me, way better than anybody who just said "you should do X" or whatever.
Finally, yes, if they don't want to talk to you (or all of this is beyond your emotional capacity -- it's totally fine if it is) then there are other things you can do that are helpful. (1) Suggest they get into therapy and help them find it (or pay for it if you can and that's an issue). The easier you make it for them, the more likely they are to do it. My therapist saved me. Don't frame it as being about their relationship if they'll be resistant to it; just say something like things seem really hard right now and it could be helpful to have a disinterested person to talk to. If you have anecdotes from your life or friends where therapy has been helpful, share them. and (2) yes if you can give them space from their partner for a little while, that would be wonderful, even if you never talk about their relationship or situation at all. Like invite them to visit for a week or fly out for a "sibling weekend" or see if you can encourage them to volunteer or whatever. Just being out of the situation and not dealing with the day-to-day can really bring home how miserable and untenable it is, and the breathing space and perspective might lay the seeds for your sibling making some hard decisions. And if not, well, at least you gave them a few days of fun and respite!
posted by contrapositive at 9:28 PM on October 6, 2021 [5 favorites]
There's a lot I could project on to your description based on the last year of being a long distance friend to multiple people whose partners were going through mental health crises. It's a very personally challenging thing to do--I'm a fixer, I want to swoop in and fix things, I want my friends to be happy, I believe that if their partners are not making them happy it is the partners fault--however you need to separate the YOU feelings ("I want to help them" "I feel so far away") from the THEM feelings. Then address the things they are feeling and needing. The caveat here is that if this is truly becoming an unsafe situation, then my advice is probably not strong enough. I am answering the question of how to support someone from far away.
First of all, don't underestimate the power of what you are doing--being available to talk, validate, and support what they need. Being available to talk on the phone a few times a week, and be loving, and truly LISTEN, is a valuable thing. They may be physically isolated, but they are not emotionally isolated because they have a person who loves them unconditionally and will listen to them. Keep doing that. Offer the gentlest of suggestions, with lots of deflection so they don't feel bullied or like they also have to avoid a conflict with you. For example: "Even if Partner won't go to a therapist, would you consider going alone? I think you might find it helpful. I won't bring it up again if you don't want me to. I just care about you and hate to see you in pain"). If you offer a suggestion and they reject it, you get a maximum of 2-3 follow up questions. (Ex: If you suggest coming for a visit and they say "oh, I could never leave partner for that long", you are allowed to ask "do you think you could come in a month?" followed by "what if we just met up for a day at NeutralLocation?" and then you have to drop it, no matter how much you disagree with that decision.
Other ways to show support from afar are old-fashioned but they do mean something. Send a care package. Send flowers. Send them something silly and pointless. Send a card. The idea here is to remind them that they are loved and that someone out there is thinking about them.
Right now, you and your sibling are on opposite sides of a river bank. There is a bridge between you, and they will need to cross it to reach you. Do whatever you need to to keep the lines of communication open, to make sure the bridge remains open, and they will confidently know that you are waiting for them on the other side.
posted by you'rerightyou'rerightiknowyou'reright at 8:28 AM on October 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
First of all, don't underestimate the power of what you are doing--being available to talk, validate, and support what they need. Being available to talk on the phone a few times a week, and be loving, and truly LISTEN, is a valuable thing. They may be physically isolated, but they are not emotionally isolated because they have a person who loves them unconditionally and will listen to them. Keep doing that. Offer the gentlest of suggestions, with lots of deflection so they don't feel bullied or like they also have to avoid a conflict with you. For example: "Even if Partner won't go to a therapist, would you consider going alone? I think you might find it helpful. I won't bring it up again if you don't want me to. I just care about you and hate to see you in pain"). If you offer a suggestion and they reject it, you get a maximum of 2-3 follow up questions. (Ex: If you suggest coming for a visit and they say "oh, I could never leave partner for that long", you are allowed to ask "do you think you could come in a month?" followed by "what if we just met up for a day at NeutralLocation?" and then you have to drop it, no matter how much you disagree with that decision.
Other ways to show support from afar are old-fashioned but they do mean something. Send a care package. Send flowers. Send them something silly and pointless. Send a card. The idea here is to remind them that they are loved and that someone out there is thinking about them.
Right now, you and your sibling are on opposite sides of a river bank. There is a bridge between you, and they will need to cross it to reach you. Do whatever you need to to keep the lines of communication open, to make sure the bridge remains open, and they will confidently know that you are waiting for them on the other side.
posted by you'rerightyou'rerightiknowyou'reright at 8:28 AM on October 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
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posted by mareli at 2:23 PM on October 6, 2021 [2 favorites]