Let it go, let it go... Resources speaking of detachment as a strength
October 2, 2021 11:57 PM Subscribe
I am interested in articles, blogs, etc that talk about the value of emotional detachment as an affirming, healthy endeavor rather than an unhealthy coping mechanism. The target audience for these writings is more likely to be people that feel too much who want to move the needle closer to the middle, versus people who are already detached singing the praises of stuff that comes naturally to them.
I don't know that I need mindfulness materials here, as I understand general mindfulness practices in this context, but if you have a resource that tackles attachment and clinging in a unique way please share.
I am not interested in 12 steps, detachment as a masculine ideal, detachment as superior to attachment or engagement, or anything from the Stoics. Less interested in "logic is superior to emotion" arguments and more about the practicalities of how to detach, self talk to use while detaching, mindset work to shift or explore beliefs associated with engagement vs detachment.
I also prefer work that avoids spiritual bypassing (i.e. does not discount normal healthy ego development attachment to outcomes/expected responses while differentiating it from dysfunctional post ego development behavior). And I dunno, maybe work that also walks you through how to decide whether a reaction is linked to unresolved grief that should be felt, or is really just getting yourself worked up over something petty and you should just let it go and distract yourself. Thanks.
I don't know that I need mindfulness materials here, as I understand general mindfulness practices in this context, but if you have a resource that tackles attachment and clinging in a unique way please share.
I am not interested in 12 steps, detachment as a masculine ideal, detachment as superior to attachment or engagement, or anything from the Stoics. Less interested in "logic is superior to emotion" arguments and more about the practicalities of how to detach, self talk to use while detaching, mindset work to shift or explore beliefs associated with engagement vs detachment.
I also prefer work that avoids spiritual bypassing (i.e. does not discount normal healthy ego development attachment to outcomes/expected responses while differentiating it from dysfunctional post ego development behavior). And I dunno, maybe work that also walks you through how to decide whether a reaction is linked to unresolved grief that should be felt, or is really just getting yourself worked up over something petty and you should just let it go and distract yourself. Thanks.
I think usually detachment works the other way - you lean into the feelings (they are after all, just feelings, even if they are hard) but detach from the idea of controlling outcomes you can't control. For that, anyway, Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart is kind of a seminal text.
For dealing with emotional flooding and things like that, there's the STAIR method. It's usually learned in a therapeutic context (even group support) but you might find some of the exercises helpful.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:14 PM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
For dealing with emotional flooding and things like that, there's the STAIR method. It's usually learned in a therapeutic context (even group support) but you might find some of the exercises helpful.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:14 PM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
The little I have seen from discussions among physicians & therapists, who together form a broad group of people who are aggressively interested in both detaching from damaging interactions with others & in ethically justifying that detachment, tends to suggest that they do it by deliberately associating a type of interaction with a set time and a set place. the ideal seems to be that you stop caring as soon as you clock out, or even better, that you simply allow the distressing person to fall out of your consciousness completely (that is: if you were thinking about them outside the office or the clinic, you would continue to care and suffer, because your human reactions are fully intact, but they do not enter your thoughts when they are not on the schedule, so you simply don't.)
because I am not an insider to this group of people I can't say much about how exactly they develop this skill practically, aside from cultivating the physical & mental associations with times & places. but explicit intention, repeated practice, group solidarity, and a very strong sense of righteousness all seem to be involved.
there is an assumption in all this that it's the other party (the patient or, for you, whomever or whatever you may wish to detach from) that is the desiring agent -- that they are the clinger and that detachment means prying them off of you, not yourself off of them. but even among care professionals this is clearly not reliably true except as a fiction to feel dignified. if the techniques work, they work even if you are the one with the desires that must be extinguished.
you could also look into discussion of "vicarious trauma" whether or not the situations and interactions and people you want to detach from qualify as traumatic in your own opinion. lots of material on coping with that that will again be for care professionals, but definitely not all, and you can appropriate it for your purposes regardless.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:11 PM on October 3, 2021
because I am not an insider to this group of people I can't say much about how exactly they develop this skill practically, aside from cultivating the physical & mental associations with times & places. but explicit intention, repeated practice, group solidarity, and a very strong sense of righteousness all seem to be involved.
there is an assumption in all this that it's the other party (the patient or, for you, whomever or whatever you may wish to detach from) that is the desiring agent -- that they are the clinger and that detachment means prying them off of you, not yourself off of them. but even among care professionals this is clearly not reliably true except as a fiction to feel dignified. if the techniques work, they work even if you are the one with the desires that must be extinguished.
you could also look into discussion of "vicarious trauma" whether or not the situations and interactions and people you want to detach from qualify as traumatic in your own opinion. lots of material on coping with that that will again be for care professionals, but definitely not all, and you can appropriate it for your purposes regardless.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:11 PM on October 3, 2021
Melodie Beattie’s books on codependency are organized around this notion. She’s easily googled.
posted by Miko at 8:27 PM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Miko at 8:27 PM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
I also endorse Constructive Living. The big take-away for me was that I can acknowledge my emotions, but those emotions don’t have to dictate my actions.
“ Accept your feelings, know your purpose, do what needs to be done”
posted by Ideefixe at 8:58 PM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
“ Accept your feelings, know your purpose, do what needs to be done”
posted by Ideefixe at 8:58 PM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm reading a great book on attachment right now, and I think it might be a helpful one for you. It's called Polysecure. The focus is on non-monogamous intimate relationships, but I think it's much more than that--it's a great primer on how we relate to ourselves and other people, including friends, family members, etc. The author talks about how the most important attachment is to ourselves, and having a secure relationship with ourselves can make it a lot easier to stop expecting others to be everything for us.
So while she doesn't talk about detachment, specifically, she talks about healthy connections and how we can cultivate a sense of ourselves such that we're less dependent on others in ways that aren't healthy. It's a great read even if you have no interest in non-monogamy.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:34 PM on October 4, 2021
So while she doesn't talk about detachment, specifically, she talks about healthy connections and how we can cultivate a sense of ourselves such that we're less dependent on others in ways that aren't healthy. It's a great read even if you have no interest in non-monogamy.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:34 PM on October 4, 2021
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I have been listening to the book Constructive Living. It is based on Japanese psychology ideas and methods that emphasize engaging with reality. There's emphasis on identifying reality as separate from our thoughts and especially feelings and living in a way that recognizes our interconnectedness with others. I bounced off of this when I tried it a few years ago, but it is resonating with me (and frankly, irritating me, but that is often a signal that I'm hearing something that challenges my assumptions and beliefs) differently now.
Kara Loewentheil has a podcast and other materials branded "Unfuck Your Brain." She's a coach and as many coaches who focus on women, her stuff can edge into some over-positivity, but she has interesting ideas and resources about thought work and detaching from unhelpful/unproductive thought patterns.
I also wouldn't discount the value of actually, physically detaching from things that are upsetting. Sometimes you can't, but a lot of times you can. I found the book Designing Your Life helpful in that regard. It's orthogonal to what you're asking for, but the authors cover how to identify problems that cannot be fixed and must be worked around and "solutions" that are actually unhelpful attachments and impeding your progress to a life you like better.
Your question is sort of "how do I change myself in this very specific, highly criterioned way" but maybe just change your life so you encounter fewer situations that elicit a high emotional response (redirect your career, adjust relationships, change activities).
posted by jeoc at 8:56 AM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]