Ending a friendship with a parent, but not cutting off contact?
September 27, 2021 3:01 AM Subscribe
I have been friends with my mother for all my adult life. I now need to go forward by being their offspring without being a friend. I have no idea how that kind of relationship looks, and would appreciate descriptions or insight from people who've done the same: a distanced filial relationship, no friendship but not a cut-off of contact.
There are some personality issues that will never be fixed and are getting worse, and they result in upsetting conflict and next-to-no chance of upward growth out of the problems.
There are some personality issues that will never be fixed and are getting worse, and they result in upsetting conflict and next-to-no chance of upward growth out of the problems.
Tell them you're super busy. They can write. Writing offers an out for both of you, and a controlled form of contact. Get super busy with the rest of your life.
The relationship is transactional now. That person isn't your friend.
You can leave room mentally for that connection to change, but not staying around to wait is the best choice, probably.
posted by firstdaffodils at 7:41 AM on September 27, 2021
The relationship is transactional now. That person isn't your friend.
You can leave room mentally for that connection to change, but not staying around to wait is the best choice, probably.
posted by firstdaffodils at 7:41 AM on September 27, 2021
Could you add what behaviour specifically bothers you?
When I hear "don't want to be friends with parent", it makes me guess at two separate issues:
- oversharing (parent is overly involved in child's life, wants to be closest confidante, wants, e.g., to be constantly filled in about child's love life. And vice versa, expects child to listen to details of every single thing in parent's life, no matter how private or awkward.)
- emotional overinvestment (parent and child are enmeshed. Child is expected to feel pain for parents misfortunes as if they were child's own misfortunes, is always trying to bail parent out, and becomes embroiled in parental drama. And vice versa.)
The answer, regardless, is to draw boundaries around the behaviour you want to see less. Boundaries are rules for your own behaviour.
"I will keep phone calls to 15 minutes and when those are over I will say I have to go."
"I will stop talking and leave if topic X is mentioned."
But you asked for experiences:
My husband has a close relationship to his parents - he calls them every day. But no one would call them "friends" - they're parents and son to each other! He draws boundaries around what he tells them. Like, he would never tell them he was looking for a new job, because then he'd be fending off their worried concern and advice for the next months. At the same time, he makes online appointments for them because they have a hard time with that. Something he wouldn't do for a normal friend.
Does that help?
posted by Omnomnom at 8:55 AM on September 27, 2021 [6 favorites]
When I hear "don't want to be friends with parent", it makes me guess at two separate issues:
- oversharing (parent is overly involved in child's life, wants to be closest confidante, wants, e.g., to be constantly filled in about child's love life. And vice versa, expects child to listen to details of every single thing in parent's life, no matter how private or awkward.)
- emotional overinvestment (parent and child are enmeshed. Child is expected to feel pain for parents misfortunes as if they were child's own misfortunes, is always trying to bail parent out, and becomes embroiled in parental drama. And vice versa.)
The answer, regardless, is to draw boundaries around the behaviour you want to see less. Boundaries are rules for your own behaviour.
"I will keep phone calls to 15 minutes and when those are over I will say I have to go."
"I will stop talking and leave if topic X is mentioned."
But you asked for experiences:
My husband has a close relationship to his parents - he calls them every day. But no one would call them "friends" - they're parents and son to each other! He draws boundaries around what he tells them. Like, he would never tell them he was looking for a new job, because then he'd be fending off their worried concern and advice for the next months. At the same time, he makes online appointments for them because they have a hard time with that. Something he wouldn't do for a normal friend.
Does that help?
posted by Omnomnom at 8:55 AM on September 27, 2021 [6 favorites]
Relationships with parents are hard but they are also malleable once you've reached adulthood. You kind of get to decide, and friendship is, without a doubt, a two way street.
You don't detail this, but you probably have a sense of how your mother would react to a changed relationship. You should think a bit about what changes - does this mean your communication is strikingly less, or do you just mean you will be less emotional entangled during conversations? What are the new boundaries you are creating, and how much do you have to share them with your mother as you build them?
My relationship with my Dad changed a lot over my lifetime, and i don't know that we ever really had a conversation about it - but boundaries were built that weren't there when I was younger. Personally, I still feel a bit sad about it; being "fillial" feels distant, to me, but its also better for me b/c I don't need to have screaming matches with my Dad about shit I don't care about, and I don't have to waste hoping he becomes who he isn't.
Since you haven't shared that much about the relationship, its hard to know how hard/specific your boundaries are going to be, but you should start there.
posted by RajahKing at 8:56 AM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
You don't detail this, but you probably have a sense of how your mother would react to a changed relationship. You should think a bit about what changes - does this mean your communication is strikingly less, or do you just mean you will be less emotional entangled during conversations? What are the new boundaries you are creating, and how much do you have to share them with your mother as you build them?
My relationship with my Dad changed a lot over my lifetime, and i don't know that we ever really had a conversation about it - but boundaries were built that weren't there when I was younger. Personally, I still feel a bit sad about it; being "fillial" feels distant, to me, but its also better for me b/c I don't need to have screaming matches with my Dad about shit I don't care about, and I don't have to waste hoping he becomes who he isn't.
Since you haven't shared that much about the relationship, its hard to know how hard/specific your boundaries are going to be, but you should start there.
posted by RajahKing at 8:56 AM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
I basically had to stop looking at my relationship with my mother as a two-way street. I had to make decisions that worked for me, set boundaries, and try to enforce them gently but at the end of the day make decisions about our relationship on my own, not together with her.
My mother was a decent woman and loved by many but was (I think) narcissistic and unhelpful as a friend/mom to grown-up me. She was super critical, put herself at the center of every story I'd tell or be a part of, overshared too much about my life with other people (people I didn't know), was erratic in terms of her communication and support, and super unhappy that I didn't want to interact with her in the way she wanted, even as I'd told her it was not what I wanted. She was occasionally crushingly mean to me or my sister and complained about us at length (and often incorrectly) to near-strangers who would harass us on her behalf.
After a particularly bad episode where she'd come to visit/support me after the break up of my long term relationship and nearly abruptly went home because I was upset and not really focusing on her needs/wants/stories, I decided that the only way this was going to change was if I changed it. I decided I would no longer talk on the phone with her, I would only visit for day trips (she was about 3 hours away) and without much advanced notice, I would not celebrate holidays with her and I wouldn't continue conversations with her where she decided to be inappropriate/bitchy/mean.
It went okay. Towards the end of her life (she had been living with cancer for a long time which made some of this more tricky, she was not unwell most of the time but cancer is kind of a lurking beast this way) I would email her every day. When she got really sick I did come down to be with her but mainly to support my sister who had been closer to her. She died a few years ago and looking back I really don't regret my decisions even as I know they weren't what she wanted.
posted by jessamyn at 9:17 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
My mother was a decent woman and loved by many but was (I think) narcissistic and unhelpful as a friend/mom to grown-up me. She was super critical, put herself at the center of every story I'd tell or be a part of, overshared too much about my life with other people (people I didn't know), was erratic in terms of her communication and support, and super unhappy that I didn't want to interact with her in the way she wanted, even as I'd told her it was not what I wanted. She was occasionally crushingly mean to me or my sister and complained about us at length (and often incorrectly) to near-strangers who would harass us on her behalf.
After a particularly bad episode where she'd come to visit/support me after the break up of my long term relationship and nearly abruptly went home because I was upset and not really focusing on her needs/wants/stories, I decided that the only way this was going to change was if I changed it. I decided I would no longer talk on the phone with her, I would only visit for day trips (she was about 3 hours away) and without much advanced notice, I would not celebrate holidays with her and I wouldn't continue conversations with her where she decided to be inappropriate/bitchy/mean.
It went okay. Towards the end of her life (she had been living with cancer for a long time which made some of this more tricky, she was not unwell most of the time but cancer is kind of a lurking beast this way) I would email her every day. When she got really sick I did come down to be with her but mainly to support my sister who had been closer to her. She died a few years ago and looking back I really don't regret my decisions even as I know they weren't what she wanted.
posted by jessamyn at 9:17 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
Addendum: "I decided that the only way this was going to change was if I changed it. I decided I would no longer talk on the phone with her, I would only visit for day trips (she was about 3 hours away) and without much advanced notice, I would not celebrate holidays with her and I wouldn't continue conversations with her where she decided to be inappropriate/bitchy/mean."
This is really well stated/core principal.
The person isn't looking out for your emotional/psychological wellbeing or best interests. They clearly expressed this with actions. You would be surprised to see what a change in interaction or energy investment may do (it reorganized some relationships in my case). Don't count on it, but do count on positive change.
posted by firstdaffodils at 9:50 AM on September 27, 2021
This is really well stated/core principal.
The person isn't looking out for your emotional/psychological wellbeing or best interests. They clearly expressed this with actions. You would be surprised to see what a change in interaction or energy investment may do (it reorganized some relationships in my case). Don't count on it, but do count on positive change.
posted by firstdaffodils at 9:50 AM on September 27, 2021
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I am not close to my father - he was never cruel or drama prone but was also never really interested in what I do or think or feel either. Very caught up in his own little world. So we have fairly brief phone calls (he doesn't do video calls or text messages for that matter) every few weeks. I go to see him for a few hrs a couple of times a year, normally once around his birthday. I live about 350kms away from him at the moment and that is the closest I've lived in the last 20 years so he has no expectation to see me frequently. I also do his tax return.
My brother is closer both physically and emotionally and he takes care of other (still limited) support needs as our father gets older. My father sometimes says he'd like to talk to me more often and that I should call him more frequently. I then point out that the phone works in both directions and that I work full time in a demanding job and he is retired. He then makes an effort to call me a couple of times but then reverts to waiting for me to call him and we repeat that conversation.
Re-reading that I note it makes me sound really cold and horrible. We have simply nothing to talk about - he has always had limited interests and limited friendships (probably due to limited social skills) and he has very limited news to share. A lot of extended family and friends of the family/neighbors are no longer in touch (he hasn't fallen out with people, he just doesn't stay in touch or show an interest in them) or the people who were the glue of these friendship groups have passed away. And I refuse to do all the work in terms of initiating and maintaining contact and finding things to bond over.
I have a maternal aunt and uncle who treat me as one of their children and I visit them a couple of times a year staying for a week+. I talk them them frequently and we text message frequently. Unlike my father they are interested in the world, technology that makes long distance communication easy, in me and their company is much more enjoyable in general so....they get more of my company as well. They are still extremely independent so they don't really need much by way of actual support beyond occasionally fine tuning phone settings or such.
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:11 AM on September 27, 2021 [4 favorites]