When my inner critic is proven right
August 11, 2021 7:57 AM Subscribe
I'm looking for strategies for dealing with negative self-talk when outside events seemingly validate it/confirm it to be true.
I find it easier to deal with negative self-talk when my inner critic is proven wrong.
E.g. "You shouldn't bother applying for that job because you'll never get it" - I end up getting the job, so I can dismiss that as negative self-talk.
But when my inner critic is seemingly proven right, I find it difficult to deal with.
E.g. “You’re probably too stupid to pass that exam” - I fail the exam so I end up thinking, okay so that confirms that my negative self talk was right all along.
When I’ve worked on things like this with a therapist in the past, in the examples and things we used, it was like the negative self talk always turned out to be wrong.
I feel like I need a new way of looking at this, any pointers or suggested reading material?
Thanks very much :)
I find it easier to deal with negative self-talk when my inner critic is proven wrong.
E.g. "You shouldn't bother applying for that job because you'll never get it" - I end up getting the job, so I can dismiss that as negative self-talk.
But when my inner critic is seemingly proven right, I find it difficult to deal with.
E.g. “You’re probably too stupid to pass that exam” - I fail the exam so I end up thinking, okay so that confirms that my negative self talk was right all along.
When I’ve worked on things like this with a therapist in the past, in the examples and things we used, it was like the negative self talk always turned out to be wrong.
I feel like I need a new way of looking at this, any pointers or suggested reading material?
Thanks very much :)
I can't use deliberate self talk (or reappraisal in general) to turn an Actually Bad thing into a Good thing, but I can turn it into a Useful thing. For instance with the exam case, is it really true that I'm too stupid, or is it because I put off studying because I was anxious about the test? I wouldn't be in this class in the first place if I was "too stupid" and that phrase means nothing without a specific reference point. And then once I'm able to accept that it was a studying problem and not an inherent self worth problem I have something to work on.
I've had some conflict in the past with CBT therapists who think I should just try harder to be positive, but then I did actual research as part of my Psychology degree and this advice is just wrong. Techniques like this only really work with plausible reinterpretations you can actually believe, and that means it will have to be specific to the situation and not just generically happy.
Thinking about yourself in the third person like you're a friend can definitely work. It helps to drain some of the negative emotion out, and then you can give yourself some good advice.
posted by JZig at 8:18 AM on August 11, 2021 [14 favorites]
I've had some conflict in the past with CBT therapists who think I should just try harder to be positive, but then I did actual research as part of my Psychology degree and this advice is just wrong. Techniques like this only really work with plausible reinterpretations you can actually believe, and that means it will have to be specific to the situation and not just generically happy.
Thinking about yourself in the third person like you're a friend can definitely work. It helps to drain some of the negative emotion out, and then you can give yourself some good advice.
posted by JZig at 8:18 AM on August 11, 2021 [14 favorites]
One way I've heard this framed (in an acceptance-and-commitment therapy kind of context) is that whether these self-critical statements are TRUE is not particularly important; what's important is whether they're USEFUL. Like, with the exam - at this point, you're going to be taking the exam. So you may as well spend your time reviewing your material the exam, or going over exam strategies, or just catching up on sleep. Spending a lot of time and energy on the idea that you're too stupid to pass the exam is counterproductive.
For reading material - The Happiness Trap is loaded with strategies for dealing with this kind of stuff (without having to convince yourself that it's untrue).
posted by mskyle at 8:20 AM on August 11, 2021 [9 favorites]
For reading material - The Happiness Trap is loaded with strategies for dealing with this kind of stuff (without having to convince yourself that it's untrue).
posted by mskyle at 8:20 AM on August 11, 2021 [9 favorites]
Well, in the second case, the negative/unhelpful thought isn’t that you would fail the exam, it’s that you would fail the exam because you are stupid. That thought wasn’t actually confirmed by failing the exam. I would consider what some other reasons you might have failed the exam are. If a friend was in the exact same situation, would you agree that she failed because she was stupid? Also, that highlights that the thought “I am stupid” is one you need to challenge on its own, because it’s a premise for the thought about the exam. Is it true that you’re stupid in all ways? If you were bad at the subject, would that truly make you a stupid person? Are there any other ways of looking at that?
In general, negative/unhelpful thoughts are flawed in one of two ways: they either overestimate the likelihood that something is true or will be true, or the consequences of that thing being true (usually something about how bad it would be if the thing is true). “I will never get the job” is a likelihood overestimation- it’s estimating that something (getting the job) is 0% likely, whereas it might be more like 1-5% likely. Even if you don’t get the job, it doesn’t mean that it was true that it was 0% likely to get it. “I will fail the exam because I’m stupid” overestimates the likelihood of stupidity being the One Reason you fail. If challenging the likelihood of the thought doesn’t get me anywhere, I usually think about whether the thing I’m actually worried about is the consequences, or how bad it would be if the thought is true. And if neither of those get me anywhere, I ask myself if it’s helpful to focus on that thought.
posted by quiet coyote at 8:33 AM on August 11, 2021 [8 favorites]
In general, negative/unhelpful thoughts are flawed in one of two ways: they either overestimate the likelihood that something is true or will be true, or the consequences of that thing being true (usually something about how bad it would be if the thing is true). “I will never get the job” is a likelihood overestimation- it’s estimating that something (getting the job) is 0% likely, whereas it might be more like 1-5% likely. Even if you don’t get the job, it doesn’t mean that it was true that it was 0% likely to get it. “I will fail the exam because I’m stupid” overestimates the likelihood of stupidity being the One Reason you fail. If challenging the likelihood of the thought doesn’t get me anywhere, I usually think about whether the thing I’m actually worried about is the consequences, or how bad it would be if the thought is true. And if neither of those get me anywhere, I ask myself if it’s helpful to focus on that thought.
posted by quiet coyote at 8:33 AM on August 11, 2021 [8 favorites]
I think crocomancer's advice is great here.
Something I'd add is that I read something a while ago (can't find the link, unfortunately) that suggests that positive self-talk doesn't work well for people who don't consider themselves a reliable narrator (which makes a lot of sense to me as someone who's struggled with negative self-talk in the past and was never able to convincingly switch to positive self-talk because I'm already predisposed to assume I'm full of shit, so why would I believe me? [Funny, though, that the same thought process didn't apply to the negative self-talk that I did tend to believe was true]).
To flip that around (as well as acknowledging that even if your negative inner critic is sometimes right, it doesn't help you pick yourself up and move on), can you also try to reframe the negative critical voice as an unreliable narrator? A voice that doesn't have your best interests at heart and who you can choose to pay less attention to and take its pronouncements with less certainty and meaningfulness?
It might even help to try to associate that voice with a person or category of people who you find unreliable as sources of information out in the world (if this were me, I'd be trying to mentally associate that voice inside myself with various right-wing cranks and blowhards who I absolutely don't trust to say anything true or in my best interests), to reinforce the idea that this isn't a useful source to trust when it comes to decision-making.
posted by terretu at 8:41 AM on August 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
Something I'd add is that I read something a while ago (can't find the link, unfortunately) that suggests that positive self-talk doesn't work well for people who don't consider themselves a reliable narrator (which makes a lot of sense to me as someone who's struggled with negative self-talk in the past and was never able to convincingly switch to positive self-talk because I'm already predisposed to assume I'm full of shit, so why would I believe me? [Funny, though, that the same thought process didn't apply to the negative self-talk that I did tend to believe was true]).
To flip that around (as well as acknowledging that even if your negative inner critic is sometimes right, it doesn't help you pick yourself up and move on), can you also try to reframe the negative critical voice as an unreliable narrator? A voice that doesn't have your best interests at heart and who you can choose to pay less attention to and take its pronouncements with less certainty and meaningfulness?
It might even help to try to associate that voice with a person or category of people who you find unreliable as sources of information out in the world (if this were me, I'd be trying to mentally associate that voice inside myself with various right-wing cranks and blowhards who I absolutely don't trust to say anything true or in my best interests), to reinforce the idea that this isn't a useful source to trust when it comes to decision-making.
posted by terretu at 8:41 AM on August 11, 2021 [5 favorites]
There is a huge difference between "You’re probably too stupid to pass that exam" and "I may fail this exam because I am really nevous/didn't prepare enough/don't understand the material."
Negative self talk isn't justified by the outcome. You don't need to be stupid to fail an exam and you don't need to be underqualified to not get a job.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:53 AM on August 11, 2021 [2 favorites]
Negative self talk isn't justified by the outcome. You don't need to be stupid to fail an exam and you don't need to be underqualified to not get a job.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:53 AM on August 11, 2021 [2 favorites]
For me, it actually helps a lot to stop making predictions about the future. If I find myself thinking "I'm going to fail this exam," and I try to tell myself instead, "No, I'm probably going to pass this exam," then... immediately I think how the heck do you know? You're not psychic. There might or might not be some evidence I can dig up to convince myself that I'm probably going to pass the exam, but either way, it's an unfalsifiable belief.
I had a long stretch with my writing career where I would try to tell myself "the worst case scenario probably won't happen" and then it did happen. Many times. But none of the worrying I did about those various worst case scenarios did anything to prevent them from happening.
So when I have a thought like "I'm going to fail this exam" I try not to argue with it. I try to turn my attention toward the present. Right now, are there gaps in my knowledge of the material? Right now, are there key concepts I don't understand that I should see the professor about? Right now, how can I increase my chances of passing the exam?
Focus on the next step, focus on the thing you can control.
posted by Jeanne at 9:21 AM on August 11, 2021 [6 favorites]
I had a long stretch with my writing career where I would try to tell myself "the worst case scenario probably won't happen" and then it did happen. Many times. But none of the worrying I did about those various worst case scenarios did anything to prevent them from happening.
So when I have a thought like "I'm going to fail this exam" I try not to argue with it. I try to turn my attention toward the present. Right now, are there gaps in my knowledge of the material? Right now, are there key concepts I don't understand that I should see the professor about? Right now, how can I increase my chances of passing the exam?
Focus on the next step, focus on the thing you can control.
posted by Jeanne at 9:21 AM on August 11, 2021 [6 favorites]
Yeah, your negative self-talk may sometimes predict correct outcomes, but that doesn't automatically mean it also identifies the correct causes.
Eg. you might be perfectly qualified for a job and still not get it - because someone else applied who had more pertinent experience, or an internal candidate was preferred because they were already a known quantity, or someone wanted to hire their nephew, or the other candidate was exactly as qualified as you and the employer more or less just tossed a coin etc, etc. You can't know any of that beforehand, so it was obviously still worth applying and it's quite possible that you would have done a great job, had you gotten it. Getting or not getting a job just doesn't say all that much about your suitability for it.
Also, smart people fail exams too, and not even rarely - because they were too nervous and misread the assignment, because they misunderstood something crucial about the material and didn't get enough feedback from their instructor so didn't discover their error in time, because they had a bad day, because they couldn't sleep the night before, because they missed something in the preparation, because the requirements were insufficiently transparent, because the prof suddenly decided to test you about the footnotes. Frankly, some exams are not mainly designed to measure competence, they're mainly designed to weed out people to keep things exclusive, you'll need at least a little bit of luck to pass no matter how smart and well prepared you are.
And that's what your negative self-talk apparently routinely discounts, the importance of a bit of luck. For me, the magical words after such setback are "Well, it was worth a try. Better luck next time". Of course that's easy to say for someone who so far had, indeed, often better luck next time, but really, there's little else to do, if you ask me.
I mean, I definitely will do some soul-searching whether I really gave it my best effort (did I sufficiently highlight my main competitive advantages in the letter of motivation? Did I start studying early enough or did I fail to get proper sleep before the exam because I had to do an all-nighter?) and I will reconsider my approaches (to writing letters of motivation, to studying for an exam) and maybe research different things to try next time.
What I (usually, hopefully) won't do is conclude efforts were misguided just because they didn't lead to success. Because efforts are often necessary but rarely sufficient requirements for success. You'll always need a bit of luck too. And the thing about luck is, it's mostly a numbers' game (unless it's actually about structural privilege/lack thereof). Sometimes you just have to keep trying.
posted by sohalt at 10:02 AM on August 11, 2021 [4 favorites]
Eg. you might be perfectly qualified for a job and still not get it - because someone else applied who had more pertinent experience, or an internal candidate was preferred because they were already a known quantity, or someone wanted to hire their nephew, or the other candidate was exactly as qualified as you and the employer more or less just tossed a coin etc, etc. You can't know any of that beforehand, so it was obviously still worth applying and it's quite possible that you would have done a great job, had you gotten it. Getting or not getting a job just doesn't say all that much about your suitability for it.
Also, smart people fail exams too, and not even rarely - because they were too nervous and misread the assignment, because they misunderstood something crucial about the material and didn't get enough feedback from their instructor so didn't discover their error in time, because they had a bad day, because they couldn't sleep the night before, because they missed something in the preparation, because the requirements were insufficiently transparent, because the prof suddenly decided to test you about the footnotes. Frankly, some exams are not mainly designed to measure competence, they're mainly designed to weed out people to keep things exclusive, you'll need at least a little bit of luck to pass no matter how smart and well prepared you are.
And that's what your negative self-talk apparently routinely discounts, the importance of a bit of luck. For me, the magical words after such setback are "Well, it was worth a try. Better luck next time". Of course that's easy to say for someone who so far had, indeed, often better luck next time, but really, there's little else to do, if you ask me.
I mean, I definitely will do some soul-searching whether I really gave it my best effort (did I sufficiently highlight my main competitive advantages in the letter of motivation? Did I start studying early enough or did I fail to get proper sleep before the exam because I had to do an all-nighter?) and I will reconsider my approaches (to writing letters of motivation, to studying for an exam) and maybe research different things to try next time.
What I (usually, hopefully) won't do is conclude efforts were misguided just because they didn't lead to success. Because efforts are often necessary but rarely sufficient requirements for success. You'll always need a bit of luck too. And the thing about luck is, it's mostly a numbers' game (unless it's actually about structural privilege/lack thereof). Sometimes you just have to keep trying.
posted by sohalt at 10:02 AM on August 11, 2021 [4 favorites]
The point of shutting down negative self talk is NOT because it's incorrect. I absolutely hate that line you get from therapists. It's a really counterproductive idea. We shut down negative self talk because you have to be on your own side always. You can't succeed unless every part of you is working together to help you succeed. Telling yourself you're stupid & then doubling down on that isn't going to get you anywhere. Recognizing you need to find more help if you're going to pass the exam IS going to get you somewhere. You are the only person who can help you & that means you have to literally be your own best friend. That means you have to be kind to yourself, treat yourself kindly, and spend your time figuring out what you need to be comfortable. Negative self talk is the opposite of all of that.
posted by bleep at 10:04 AM on August 11, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:04 AM on August 11, 2021 [7 favorites]
Something that helps me (YMMV) is remembering that something can be true but also blown out of proportion. So if I don't get a job I don't focus on telling myself that actually I deserved that job, I focus on remembering that it's normal to not get all the jobs that you apply for and even if it's possible I was shooting too high with that one application... it's not going to sink my career that I applied. It's good to aim a little high sometimes.
If I'm awkward in a social situation, I don't try to convince myself that actually I was totally smooth-- instead I try to remember that lots of people are awkward, some of them exceedingly so, and I still care for and respect many of them very much. ie maybe I'm occasionally awkward but that doesn't mean that it's my dominant personality characteristic (or maybe it is?) and either way its not the end of the world because I have lots of other good qualities.
posted by geegollygosh at 10:17 AM on August 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
If I'm awkward in a social situation, I don't try to convince myself that actually I was totally smooth-- instead I try to remember that lots of people are awkward, some of them exceedingly so, and I still care for and respect many of them very much. ie maybe I'm occasionally awkward but that doesn't mean that it's my dominant personality characteristic (or maybe it is?) and either way its not the end of the world because I have lots of other good qualities.
posted by geegollygosh at 10:17 AM on August 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
I agree that just because you predict a result it might not be the right way to do it.
But I wanted to just take a moment to do your negative self talk on the exam different ways that still predicts an outcome but don't debase you/degrade your dignity as a human being. Here are 10 examples just to overwhelm you.
1. "I don't feel prepared for this exam, but at least I can gauge my preparedness, so I must know something about it."
2. "The timing for this exam is just wrong, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway."
3. "I failed to prepare for this exam, and so I might fail it, but if so, at least I'll know what I need to do differently."
4. "I've chosen to spend more time with friends and less time studying, so I might fail this exam, but I think I'm okay with those priorities - or I'll let them know next time."
5. "This exam is rumoured to be a really bad way to measure what I know, so I might fail it."
6. "Most people who take this exam don't have to also work a full time job/take care of a grandparent/struggle with a background of neglect, so it may be harder for me to pass it this time."
7."I have a gut feeling I might fail this exam. If so, I am definitely getting ice cream and watching trash TV tonight, and then I'll figure things out in a few weeks."
8. "I'm probably going to fail this exam, but it's not a measure of my overall intelligence or worth as a human being - no exam is."
9. "Boy the person who designed this test is bad at exam design."
10. "I'm probably going to fail this exam, but I'm showing up for it anyway. Who knows, I might pass."
Hopefully that helps you see how the outcome is just - a point in time. The continual narrative in your head however is with you longer.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:31 AM on August 11, 2021 [9 favorites]
But I wanted to just take a moment to do your negative self talk on the exam different ways that still predicts an outcome but don't debase you/degrade your dignity as a human being. Here are 10 examples just to overwhelm you.
1. "I don't feel prepared for this exam, but at least I can gauge my preparedness, so I must know something about it."
2. "The timing for this exam is just wrong, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway."
3. "I failed to prepare for this exam, and so I might fail it, but if so, at least I'll know what I need to do differently."
4. "I've chosen to spend more time with friends and less time studying, so I might fail this exam, but I think I'm okay with those priorities - or I'll let them know next time."
5. "This exam is rumoured to be a really bad way to measure what I know, so I might fail it."
6. "Most people who take this exam don't have to also work a full time job/take care of a grandparent/struggle with a background of neglect, so it may be harder for me to pass it this time."
7."I have a gut feeling I might fail this exam. If so, I am definitely getting ice cream and watching trash TV tonight, and then I'll figure things out in a few weeks."
8. "I'm probably going to fail this exam, but it's not a measure of my overall intelligence or worth as a human being - no exam is."
9. "Boy the person who designed this test is bad at exam design."
10. "I'm probably going to fail this exam, but I'm showing up for it anyway. Who knows, I might pass."
Hopefully that helps you see how the outcome is just - a point in time. The continual narrative in your head however is with you longer.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:31 AM on August 11, 2021 [9 favorites]
The point of shutting down negative self talk is NOT because it's incorrect. I absolutely hate that line you get from therapists. It's a really counterproductive idea.
If therapists are saying this, they're misunderstanding CBT. You don't shut down negative self talk BECAUSE it's incorrect. Identifying ways that it's incorrect is a tool, not an outcome. It can help you get yourself on your own side more convincingly if you really believe that you should be.
posted by quiet coyote at 10:49 AM on August 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
If therapists are saying this, they're misunderstanding CBT. You don't shut down negative self talk BECAUSE it's incorrect. Identifying ways that it's incorrect is a tool, not an outcome. It can help you get yourself on your own side more convincingly if you really believe that you should be.
posted by quiet coyote at 10:49 AM on August 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
There's a book about this that just came out that's really helping me. The guy founded and runs a well regarded lab in Univ of Michigan on emotions and their effects. Chatter by Ethan Kross.
I'm having success using a distancing technique where I view myself from a distance or talk to myself in the third person.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:56 AM on August 11, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm having success using a distancing technique where I view myself from a distance or talk to myself in the third person.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:56 AM on August 11, 2021 [2 favorites]
Could you reframe your negative self-talk as "The story I tell myself is..." As in: "The story I tell myself is that I'm too stupid to pass the exam. However, I have thought that before and been wrong. Sometimes my stories aren't true."
posted by bluedaisy at 12:43 PM on August 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 12:43 PM on August 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
"…when outside events seemingly validate it/confirm it to be true."
Here's a new way of looking at this that may help.
Circumstances — such as outside events — are always neutral. They are not right or wrong, or good or bad, or true or false. It is the thoughts we have about the circumstances that give these events meaning.
Thoughts are just sentences in our head. As bluedaisy suggests, they are the stories we tell ourselves. To make sense of the world.
The brain is constantly seeking evidence to support our thoughts. When we have feelings of doubt or a lack of self-belief, our brains are seeking to validate those feelings, and the thoughts behind them. Our brains are always finding the evidence that fits the thought, and rejecting or ignoring the evidence that doesn't.
"“You’re probably too stupid to pass that exam” - I fail the exam so I end up thinking, okay so that confirms that my negative self talk was right all along."
Failing the exam is a circumstance. 'You're probably too stupid to pass that exam' is the sentence in your head, it is the story you're telling yourself about this circumstance. It is your brain's search result (the evidence) for what you currently believe about yourself to explain the situation (e.g., that you're not smart). Which then becomes the evidence for the thought that your negative self talk is right. You're two levels deep here.
The work is to practice new thoughts, and seek the evidence that supports those new thoughts. At first, you may only be able to do this retroactively. But over time, you'll be able to notice in the moment, as you're having the automatic negative thoughts. And then you'll shift to proactively having the thoughts you want as you go into situations. You won't have to practice as hard either, it will be the new automatic default mode. And you'll find all sorts of amazing new evidence that you never noticed before to support these thoughts.
Keep going, it's a practice over time. Unpack at whatever level makes sense in the moment, there's no right or wrong way.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:42 PM on August 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
Here's a new way of looking at this that may help.
Circumstances — such as outside events — are always neutral. They are not right or wrong, or good or bad, or true or false. It is the thoughts we have about the circumstances that give these events meaning.
Thoughts are just sentences in our head. As bluedaisy suggests, they are the stories we tell ourselves. To make sense of the world.
The brain is constantly seeking evidence to support our thoughts. When we have feelings of doubt or a lack of self-belief, our brains are seeking to validate those feelings, and the thoughts behind them. Our brains are always finding the evidence that fits the thought, and rejecting or ignoring the evidence that doesn't.
"“You’re probably too stupid to pass that exam” - I fail the exam so I end up thinking, okay so that confirms that my negative self talk was right all along."
Failing the exam is a circumstance. 'You're probably too stupid to pass that exam' is the sentence in your head, it is the story you're telling yourself about this circumstance. It is your brain's search result (the evidence) for what you currently believe about yourself to explain the situation (e.g., that you're not smart). Which then becomes the evidence for the thought that your negative self talk is right. You're two levels deep here.
The work is to practice new thoughts, and seek the evidence that supports those new thoughts. At first, you may only be able to do this retroactively. But over time, you'll be able to notice in the moment, as you're having the automatic negative thoughts. And then you'll shift to proactively having the thoughts you want as you go into situations. You won't have to practice as hard either, it will be the new automatic default mode. And you'll find all sorts of amazing new evidence that you never noticed before to support these thoughts.
Keep going, it's a practice over time. Unpack at whatever level makes sense in the moment, there's no right or wrong way.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:42 PM on August 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
It's possible to have negative judgments about yourself that are objectively true. Like what if you were in such a foul mood and so fed up with all of the pressure that you semi-deliberately didn't try very hard on the exam and guaranteed a bad outcome? what if you didn't help someone when you could have because you were just too lazy? what if you hurt somebody? Sometimes we do stuff that is really genuinely terrible, on purpose, things that we find shameful or reprehensible. You can say "i see you're trying to find a way to feel better, this is a very normal human thing to do". We're put under insane pressures in our lives which we were not built for. I mean we're monkeys for god's sake, can you imagine forcing a chipmanzee to go through years of schooling and sit in front of a computer all day long and expect it to be happy and well-adjusted? Animals want to feel okay, they want to remove sources of stress and pressure from their lives, they want to exist free of pain, it's what animals do.
I'm finding in my personal work that every self-criticism is actually something positive about me that my mind has inverted and used as a weapon. e.g. "you made such a mess in the kitchen" --> "you really care about how clean the kitchen is". "you were so mean to that person" --> "that person really matters to you". "you're going to fail your exam" --> "you really want to do well".
If you didn't actually care about something, your inner critic would have nothing to say about it. It doesn't criticize you about how little you know about how to conjugate verbs in Hungarian or whatever (I presume), because that's not part of your life. But it shows up when you care. You can use that to your advantage and praise yourself for caring about something, for giving a fuck. Recognizing that you actually care is so important.
posted by PercussivePaul at 4:40 PM on August 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
I'm finding in my personal work that every self-criticism is actually something positive about me that my mind has inverted and used as a weapon. e.g. "you made such a mess in the kitchen" --> "you really care about how clean the kitchen is". "you were so mean to that person" --> "that person really matters to you". "you're going to fail your exam" --> "you really want to do well".
If you didn't actually care about something, your inner critic would have nothing to say about it. It doesn't criticize you about how little you know about how to conjugate verbs in Hungarian or whatever (I presume), because that's not part of your life. But it shows up when you care. You can use that to your advantage and praise yourself for caring about something, for giving a fuck. Recognizing that you actually care is so important.
posted by PercussivePaul at 4:40 PM on August 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
Could you reframe your negative self-talk as "The story I tell myself is..."
I'm very very good at being a negative self-talker and this is one of two things that is helpful for me.
The second is turning the negative outcome (aw shit I failed that test, and I kinda knew I might) into a different forward-looking statement "Wellp, I'm going to try to do better next time" which, honestly, is a somewhat more positive message, though not chirpy and needlessly "Turn that frown upside down!!" because, for me, while it might feel comforting to be like "Awww yeah I was RIGHT that I am BAD at LIFE" realistically, sticking in that place is not good for me.
Changing the message to be "Hey we'll try to do it differently next time" focuses on optimism and me being on my own team with a little "Hey maybe you can do it" message which is also true. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgiving yourself for them and not getting stuck on them helps keep your mind less stuck in negative places.
posted by jessamyn at 5:32 PM on August 11, 2021 [4 favorites]
I'm very very good at being a negative self-talker and this is one of two things that is helpful for me.
The second is turning the negative outcome (aw shit I failed that test, and I kinda knew I might) into a different forward-looking statement "Wellp, I'm going to try to do better next time" which, honestly, is a somewhat more positive message, though not chirpy and needlessly "Turn that frown upside down!!" because, for me, while it might feel comforting to be like "Awww yeah I was RIGHT that I am BAD at LIFE" realistically, sticking in that place is not good for me.
Changing the message to be "Hey we'll try to do it differently next time" focuses on optimism and me being on my own team with a little "Hey maybe you can do it" message which is also true. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgiving yourself for them and not getting stuck on them helps keep your mind less stuck in negative places.
posted by jessamyn at 5:32 PM on August 11, 2021 [4 favorites]
Something I've only recently figured out and am still trying to unpack is how often my negative self talk, (and my anxiety and depression in general) is centered around needing surety and reassurance.
In a messed up way, it's more comfortable and reassuring for me to say "I'm going to fail that exam because I'm stupid" than to accept that I simply don't know what might happen.
Not knowing what might happen is such an uncomfortable state to be in and it triggers all my tendencies to be anxious.
I try to notice when I'm attempting to find surety and reassurance, and then stating the fact that I just don't know yet, and no amount of inner dialog is going to protect me against disappointment when a bad thing does happen. I try to accept the uncertainty of it all.
posted by Zumbador at 10:26 PM on August 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
In a messed up way, it's more comfortable and reassuring for me to say "I'm going to fail that exam because I'm stupid" than to accept that I simply don't know what might happen.
Not knowing what might happen is such an uncomfortable state to be in and it triggers all my tendencies to be anxious.
I try to notice when I'm attempting to find surety and reassurance, and then stating the fact that I just don't know yet, and no amount of inner dialog is going to protect me against disappointment when a bad thing does happen. I try to accept the uncertainty of it all.
posted by Zumbador at 10:26 PM on August 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
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You have to try to treat yourself like you'd treat that friend. Failures suck, but they don't mean your inner critic is right.
posted by crocomancer at 8:04 AM on August 11, 2021 [16 favorites]