Newly-divorced father of 6-year-old. How to make parent friends?
July 7, 2021 5:50 AM Subscribe
I’m the recently-divorced father of a 6-year-old. I feel I’d be a happier person and better parent if I had more community and friends around parenting. I don’t always make friends quickly, and am historically kinda fussy about who my friends are (maybe that can change). My dream would be to find other people with shared interest, who live nearby, and want to hang out with our kids, talk about parenting, and build friendships. It might help if they are also divorced or solo parenting, but maybe not necessary. Looking for any advice. Is there an app for that?
About me:
- I’m not quick to like lots of people right away. I’m often really selective (maybe to a fault) about who my friends are. This makes it harder for me to make friends with parents at school. I like people who are smart and engaged and interested in ideas. I like people who are funny. (Maybe I can try and learn to be less picky about my friends, or apply new criteria. I’m open to that suggestion)
- I like people who share my professional interests. (I’m a consultant who helps people learn to communicate better)
- I have pretty okay social skills: I’m not shy, I’m a fine conversationalist, etc.
- I’m currently having a fairly hard time in my life (divorce-related stuff, and some anxiety/depression, and feeling pretty lonely). This sort of changes my capacity to make new friends, and the energy I bring to new friendships. Also, I’m *especially* interested, right now, in hearing peoples’ divorce stories.
- I’m in Toronto, if that matters.
Things I am doing:
- Keep going to the park, keep talking to people, try to create friendships there.
- Contacting other parents in the school - people I like, or parents of my kid’s friends – and arrange playdates.
Thing I wonder about:
- I keep wondering if there’s some app that can help? Friend-maker apps? Parent-matching apps? Something else?
What I’m hoping for:
Any suggestions, ideas, recommendations.
Thanks!!
About me:
- I’m not quick to like lots of people right away. I’m often really selective (maybe to a fault) about who my friends are. This makes it harder for me to make friends with parents at school. I like people who are smart and engaged and interested in ideas. I like people who are funny. (Maybe I can try and learn to be less picky about my friends, or apply new criteria. I’m open to that suggestion)
- I like people who share my professional interests. (I’m a consultant who helps people learn to communicate better)
- I have pretty okay social skills: I’m not shy, I’m a fine conversationalist, etc.
- I’m currently having a fairly hard time in my life (divorce-related stuff, and some anxiety/depression, and feeling pretty lonely). This sort of changes my capacity to make new friends, and the energy I bring to new friendships. Also, I’m *especially* interested, right now, in hearing peoples’ divorce stories.
- I’m in Toronto, if that matters.
Things I am doing:
- Keep going to the park, keep talking to people, try to create friendships there.
- Contacting other parents in the school - people I like, or parents of my kid’s friends – and arrange playdates.
Thing I wonder about:
- I keep wondering if there’s some app that can help? Friend-maker apps? Parent-matching apps? Something else?
What I’m hoping for:
Any suggestions, ideas, recommendations.
Thanks!!
I think if you're willing to make friends along any ONE of those axes (similar profession, divorced, funny) you'll have more luck than if you insist they align along all three. But there are almost certainly divorced-parent support groups in Toronto you could check out to get a guaranteed hit on that axis, and then likely find a couple of funny people through that, to get two out of three...
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:36 AM on July 7, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:36 AM on July 7, 2021 [4 favorites]
You're doing the top two things I would've suggested (talk to parents at the park and school). Where I live there are also a few really populated Facebook groups ([Neighborhood] Moms is the name of one so you might have to get past the gendered thing, or maybe there's also a [Neighborhood] Dads that I'm unaware of, but I doubt it). Also, even though I really don't like NextDoor, if it's active in your area, I've seen people try to arrange playgroups that way.
posted by slidell at 7:01 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by slidell at 7:01 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Now that my kids are grown, I find it much harder to make friends than when I had kids in school. Kids make things much easier because there are always activities based around a kid's school and other interests (sports, music, drama, whatever). Volunteer to help in the classroom once a week, attend or assist with school and other fundraisers, and you'll make friends that way.
You have K through 12 to make some strong relationships with other parents.
posted by mulcahy at 7:13 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
You have K through 12 to make some strong relationships with other parents.
posted by mulcahy at 7:13 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
I think you'll want to divide up your criteria. Talking about parenting and having kids play together, you'll want kids within a year or three of your own kid's age. Whereas divorced friends will sometimes have kid-free time when theirs is with the other parent, so you can go out at night and it doesn't matter if the children like each other.
The parents with the most free time for friendships are the ones who are at-home parenting. So, they won't meet your criteria of professional interests (though they might have recent or upcoming professional plans to talk about), but they will be the most available. You'll find those people during the day at the parks and pools and libraries.
posted by xo at 7:18 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
The parents with the most free time for friendships are the ones who are at-home parenting. So, they won't meet your criteria of professional interests (though they might have recent or upcoming professional plans to talk about), but they will be the most available. You'll find those people during the day at the parks and pools and libraries.
posted by xo at 7:18 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
A couple of things NOT to compromise on:
Don't continue to hang out with people/kids whose parenting styles you aren't comfortable with.
Don't continue to hang out with people whose kids have a negative impact on your child.
Don't continue to hang out with people who don't show some effort in a reciprocal relationship.
If something feels off - to you or even more so, your child - it probably is. Listen to your gut.
I know it's lonely. I raised four kids as a single mom. It gets hella lonely. But it was better than compromising our mental and physical wellbeing for the sake of maintaining certain relationships... so just be cautious to run everything through that your filter. It's fine to take some time to figure that out, or to decide a year or two down the line that y'know, this friendship is just not a good fit for us. Don't feel trapped just because it's a parent & kid relationship, instead of some other kind.
posted by stormyteal at 7:47 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Don't continue to hang out with people/kids whose parenting styles you aren't comfortable with.
Don't continue to hang out with people whose kids have a negative impact on your child.
Don't continue to hang out with people who don't show some effort in a reciprocal relationship.
If something feels off - to you or even more so, your child - it probably is. Listen to your gut.
I know it's lonely. I raised four kids as a single mom. It gets hella lonely. But it was better than compromising our mental and physical wellbeing for the sake of maintaining certain relationships... so just be cautious to run everything through that your filter. It's fine to take some time to figure that out, or to decide a year or two down the line that y'know, this friendship is just not a good fit for us. Don't feel trapped just because it's a parent & kid relationship, instead of some other kind.
posted by stormyteal at 7:47 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Aw I feel for you!
There is an app called Peanut (or something like that) that is "like Tinder but for parents", which I looked at a couple of years ago when I was thinking of building something similar, but there weren't many people in my part of Toronto and if memory serves, they were all moms.
Are you in the neighbourhood Facebook parent groups?
Would you volunteer at your kid's school? I found as a working parent that volunteering on school council gave me the chance to talk more with other parents, which I didn't have time to do at pickup/dropoff (seriously the stay at home parents would spend like 40 mins talking to each other at pickup or dropoff?! who has time for that ?!).
Also enrolling your kid in activities where you're expected to stay and watch (like outdoor soccer) or even volunteering to help coach the team can lead to spending enough time with other parents to actually warm up past the acquaintance level. Scouts Canada (which is open to all genders) can be another good structured activity that requires parent volunteers - there's a big difference in vibe between different groups so don't necessarily go with the one that's closest, take the time to chat to the group leader to get a sense of if it's a good fit for you and your kid.
posted by dotparker at 8:17 AM on July 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
There is an app called Peanut (or something like that) that is "like Tinder but for parents", which I looked at a couple of years ago when I was thinking of building something similar, but there weren't many people in my part of Toronto and if memory serves, they were all moms.
Are you in the neighbourhood Facebook parent groups?
Would you volunteer at your kid's school? I found as a working parent that volunteering on school council gave me the chance to talk more with other parents, which I didn't have time to do at pickup/dropoff (seriously the stay at home parents would spend like 40 mins talking to each other at pickup or dropoff?! who has time for that ?!).
Also enrolling your kid in activities where you're expected to stay and watch (like outdoor soccer) or even volunteering to help coach the team can lead to spending enough time with other parents to actually warm up past the acquaintance level. Scouts Canada (which is open to all genders) can be another good structured activity that requires parent volunteers - there's a big difference in vibe between different groups so don't necessarily go with the one that's closest, take the time to chat to the group leader to get a sense of if it's a good fit for you and your kid.
posted by dotparker at 8:17 AM on July 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
I have no specific divorce-related friendship tips, but I will say that making real friends as an adult is hard. People are busy and have many competing commitments for their time. If you don't meet naturally over some shared activity it's hard to carve out time to hang out with someone who may not be as interested in friendship, or who has real pulls on their time. My husband's adult friendships have all occurred as a result of a couple of decades of bicycle riding, with a loose group of both male and female riders staying in touch and socializing together from time to time. Naturally, some people form closer friendships than others, but there is a shared familiarity and there are socializing opportunities to further opportunities. One guy just broke his leg, and the group rallied around to help him, a long-divorced guy with no relatives. There have been one or two marriages among the loose group, as well.
I have successfully make 2 meaningful friendships as an adult, one with someone I interacted with as a returning adult grad student (with the teacher of one class), which developed naturally as we worked on projects together after the class was finished, and another with a neighbor who had kids my elementary aged kids played with in my neighborhood. I have to say that the second friend was persistent in pursuing friendship, and if she hadn't suggested stuff to do together I probably wouldn't have pursued the friendship - we both worked and had a lot of work and home responsibility. Both of these friendships are fulfilling and have lasted a couple of decades, though we don't see each other that often. These are same-sex friendships, FWIW.
So there's a certain amount of just making yourself available to the social possibilities in everyday interactions, and a certain amount of pursuing activities that will bring you in contact with others with a similar interest. Good luck.
posted by citygirl at 8:20 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
I have successfully make 2 meaningful friendships as an adult, one with someone I interacted with as a returning adult grad student (with the teacher of one class), which developed naturally as we worked on projects together after the class was finished, and another with a neighbor who had kids my elementary aged kids played with in my neighborhood. I have to say that the second friend was persistent in pursuing friendship, and if she hadn't suggested stuff to do together I probably wouldn't have pursued the friendship - we both worked and had a lot of work and home responsibility. Both of these friendships are fulfilling and have lasted a couple of decades, though we don't see each other that often. These are same-sex friendships, FWIW.
So there's a certain amount of just making yourself available to the social possibilities in everyday interactions, and a certain amount of pursuing activities that will bring you in contact with others with a similar interest. Good luck.
posted by citygirl at 8:20 AM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
I agree with the other Mefites: volunteer at school and activities. The friends I've made through my kids are a far more diverse group of people than the friends I made through work or at bars or whatever. It's a great opportunity to meet people you wouldn't normally. Accept (embrace?) that they're different from you and run with it; it's great that they work in different fields, speak other languages at home, have hobbies you'd never considered, etc.
You'll end up making some close friends through them but for now just go for quantity, not quality.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:22 AM on July 7, 2021
You'll end up making some close friends through them but for now just go for quantity, not quality.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:22 AM on July 7, 2021
A key thing: be a regular. Show up at every game, volunteer every Tuesday morning at school, always be at the bus stop, get your coffee at the same shop every morning, go to the gym at roughly the same time every morning.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:28 AM on July 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:28 AM on July 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
I'm in downtown Toronto if you're near me and want to get a coffee/go to a playground. I co-parent and I have a 9 year old. Other than that, I recommend the Ask Moxie Facebook group. It's US based, but lots of thoughtful people on there (mostly women). There's also Palz Parents Zone Toronto on FB (one of many subgroups of the Bunz trading zone).
posted by foxjacket at 8:36 AM on July 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by foxjacket at 8:36 AM on July 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
Well, I think my advice might sound counter-intuitive to what you want. With such specific criteria, including professional connections, it sounds like you might only be looking for one or two friends. My advice instead is to cast a wide net, and look to cultivate a wide range of loose connections. Some of those looser connections might become your better, closer friends. Or, you might find that you have some conversations with some folks and others with other folks.
A great friend for you might be a married, engaged dad with a profession quite different than yours but whose kid is close to yours in age. Your kids being able to play well together might facilitate more casual get-togethers, and you can chat about parenting. Another friend might be a single parent who would be happy to chat about relationships and divorce.
It sounds like you sort of have the best friend model of friendship in mind, where there's one person who matches you in lots of ways. Or maybe you have primarily cultivated friendships through work? I really want to encourage you to move past professional overlap. That can be great, but your wants are super narrow, and that might be leaving out a lot of folks where you share lots of other interests.
Through parenting, I've cultivated loose friendships that have lasted past the end of our kids' connections, and some have become closer friends.
I think you are generally approaching this right. I think you might also find that lots of other people are looking to make friends. You might find that some men in particular are also eager to make new friends, which is really challenging past college and early career life.
My other advice is to think about if you have a hobby or interest that you and your kid share (geocaching, riding bikes, hiking. rock climbing, whatever), and then to find a group of parents and kids who are doing that interest. So if you ride bikes, find the family bike riding group. If you're into indoor climbing, find that parent and kid group.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:34 AM on July 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
A great friend for you might be a married, engaged dad with a profession quite different than yours but whose kid is close to yours in age. Your kids being able to play well together might facilitate more casual get-togethers, and you can chat about parenting. Another friend might be a single parent who would be happy to chat about relationships and divorce.
It sounds like you sort of have the best friend model of friendship in mind, where there's one person who matches you in lots of ways. Or maybe you have primarily cultivated friendships through work? I really want to encourage you to move past professional overlap. That can be great, but your wants are super narrow, and that might be leaving out a lot of folks where you share lots of other interests.
Through parenting, I've cultivated loose friendships that have lasted past the end of our kids' connections, and some have become closer friends.
I think you are generally approaching this right. I think you might also find that lots of other people are looking to make friends. You might find that some men in particular are also eager to make new friends, which is really challenging past college and early career life.
My other advice is to think about if you have a hobby or interest that you and your kid share (geocaching, riding bikes, hiking. rock climbing, whatever), and then to find a group of parents and kids who are doing that interest. So if you ride bikes, find the family bike riding group. If you're into indoor climbing, find that parent and kid group.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:34 AM on July 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
Are there Facebook groups for parents/dads in your area? I am part of a few and people literally post "I'm new to the area/newly divorced/etc, I have 2 kids, and I would love to have play dates/meet other parents/make more mom friends/etc." If there are no parent or dad groups, then there have to be mom groups. If you know anyone who can post for you, or invite you to a playdate organized bythe group tor anything like that, it might be a good opportunity. If someone is posting for you maybe have them mention that you want dad friends too, so people don't think you're looking for women.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 11:58 AM on July 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 11:58 AM on July 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'm also in the Toronto area and also a parent and I find that parent friends are not like other friends. You connect primarily around your kids, especially if they're playing together at the park. Yes, you discuss general life/parenthood and have a good time together and you can definitely make a community of parent friends like this, but these are not necessarily the deepest friendships or the people you'd choose to hang out with otherwise.
Like the parent playground friends I have are not the same ones I'd get dinner with, but they're also neighbours and I'll text them to say "Going to the park, wanna come?"
Basically, yeah, I think you'll have to widen your net and be a little less picky about your criteria.
Also, local parenting groups - they're often called moms' groups but should be inclusive. Type in your neighbourhood name followed by "moms" and see what comes up on Facebook.
posted by spicytunaroll at 5:51 PM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Like the parent playground friends I have are not the same ones I'd get dinner with, but they're also neighbours and I'll text them to say "Going to the park, wanna come?"
Basically, yeah, I think you'll have to widen your net and be a little less picky about your criteria.
Also, local parenting groups - they're often called moms' groups but should be inclusive. Type in your neighbourhood name followed by "moms" and see what comes up on Facebook.
posted by spicytunaroll at 5:51 PM on July 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Making new friends as an adult can be hard. Personally I would not make it even harder by being very particular about the type of people you're interested in being friends with.
I would go about it being a bit more open to just creating and enjoying new connections with different types of people. If you're particularly interested in people with X professional interest or who have kids, I would join some parent-y things and some professional things, and maybe you'll find some crossover between the two (I'm sure there are plenty of people who share professional interests who also have children).
For whatever it's worth, one of the 'hacks' I've found in terms of initiating new friendships as an adult is to join something that gets you tickets to regular events - so, season sport tickets, or a museum patron's society that will hold events and cocktail hours along with an art preview, etc. Makes it super easy to say to casually say to someone you're not very close to, hey, I've got a couple of tickets to this drinks thing/sports thing next week, would you like to join me? If it's something interesting that they wouldn't otherwise have access to, and bonus if there are free drinks or food, people will tend to say yes, and then you've sort of broken out of the container into the socialising zone. I don't know what you could do that would net you more parent friends specifically, or if you want your kids involved in this, but I'm sure there are options.
Also : host stuff. I've got a friend who hosts about three or four regular, annual events (a summer BBQ, a Superbowl party etc) and he really collects friends this way.
posted by cultureclash82 at 6:16 AM on July 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
I would go about it being a bit more open to just creating and enjoying new connections with different types of people. If you're particularly interested in people with X professional interest or who have kids, I would join some parent-y things and some professional things, and maybe you'll find some crossover between the two (I'm sure there are plenty of people who share professional interests who also have children).
For whatever it's worth, one of the 'hacks' I've found in terms of initiating new friendships as an adult is to join something that gets you tickets to regular events - so, season sport tickets, or a museum patron's society that will hold events and cocktail hours along with an art preview, etc. Makes it super easy to say to casually say to someone you're not very close to, hey, I've got a couple of tickets to this drinks thing/sports thing next week, would you like to join me? If it's something interesting that they wouldn't otherwise have access to, and bonus if there are free drinks or food, people will tend to say yes, and then you've sort of broken out of the container into the socialising zone. I don't know what you could do that would net you more parent friends specifically, or if you want your kids involved in this, but I'm sure there are options.
Also : host stuff. I've got a friend who hosts about three or four regular, annual events (a summer BBQ, a Superbowl party etc) and he really collects friends this way.
posted by cultureclash82 at 6:16 AM on July 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, I will note that when making friends, sometimes you just have to kind of tolerate people you only kind of like (i. e. keep doing playdates even if you feel meh about the parents, keep going to meetups even if you are ambivalent), because the more people you know, the more people you meet, and eventually you find the right people for you.
posted by hought20 at 6:12 AM on July 7, 2021 [7 favorites]