How to successfully decrease social isolation as an unsocial person?
May 30, 2015 5:35 AM Subscribe
My partner and I aren't naturally social people, but we're worried about the negative health and wellbeing outcomes associated with objective social isolation (particularly as described in this NHS story). If you're a person who prefers a solitary lifestyle, and you've deliberately increased your level of social contact for similar reasons, how did you go about this, and did it work out for you?
More details about our particular situation in case they're relevant:
We're a gay male couple, both in our mid/late 30s, both voluntarily estranged from our families, and we've lived a happily friendless lifestyle since we got together in the late 1990s. We've tried to increase our level of social contact every so often over the years, but it's always been an unpleasant experience, so at this point we're working on the assumption that our connection to each other is basically a very fortunate fluke.
This is on our minds a lot at the moment, partly because I work in adult social care and thus am hearing a *lot* about the risks isolated older people face, and partly just because we're getting older and starting to ask ourselves questions like "what happens to us when we're 50/60/70/etc?"
We've done a fair bit of googling about the issue, but there's not much out there about how to tackle this problem as people who don't enjoy social contact – so any perspectives and personal experience the hivemind could share would be very much appreciated!
More details about our particular situation in case they're relevant:
We're a gay male couple, both in our mid/late 30s, both voluntarily estranged from our families, and we've lived a happily friendless lifestyle since we got together in the late 1990s. We've tried to increase our level of social contact every so often over the years, but it's always been an unpleasant experience, so at this point we're working on the assumption that our connection to each other is basically a very fortunate fluke.
This is on our minds a lot at the moment, partly because I work in adult social care and thus am hearing a *lot* about the risks isolated older people face, and partly just because we're getting older and starting to ask ourselves questions like "what happens to us when we're 50/60/70/etc?"
We've done a fair bit of googling about the issue, but there's not much out there about how to tackle this problem as people who don't enjoy social contact – so any perspectives and personal experience the hivemind could share would be very much appreciated!
What are you guys interested in? Making jam? Car repair? Square dancing? Find a local group centred around that thing.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:06 AM on May 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:06 AM on May 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you have to find your people. Finding an interest group where the people give off the right vibe is key. I struggle with this and tried different kinds of meetups until I lucked upon a social circle that worked for me. I did have to put more effort forward to establish myself in that circle, such as reliably showing up at meetings or events with people I barely knew. But it got easier after awhile, and then I met more people, and started getting invited to parties and BBQs and what have you.
Once you hit that point, you get to choose how you want to continue to interact. Maybe showing up to a meeting once in awhile to catch up is enough social contact for you. Or maybe you want to occasionally entertain and have people over and feed them.
You do have to keep showing up though. It's easy to fade away if people stop seeing you around. I'm currently trying to make up for being a flake for the last year (wedding, pregnancy, etc), but because my friends are pretty nice, I know that most of them will just be happy to see me around again.
Obligatory plug for MeFi meetups: it was through a local meetup that I found this larger group of people.
posted by fanta_orange at 6:21 AM on May 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Once you hit that point, you get to choose how you want to continue to interact. Maybe showing up to a meeting once in awhile to catch up is enough social contact for you. Or maybe you want to occasionally entertain and have people over and feed them.
You do have to keep showing up though. It's easy to fade away if people stop seeing you around. I'm currently trying to make up for being a flake for the last year (wedding, pregnancy, etc), but because my friends are pretty nice, I know that most of them will just be happy to see me around again.
Obligatory plug for MeFi meetups: it was through a local meetup that I found this larger group of people.
posted by fanta_orange at 6:21 AM on May 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I guess I didn't address the not enjoying social contact part directly. Once I found the right people I enjoyed social contact with them. For me, it's about how easy it is to have a conversation with someone, and the sense of not feeling like an intruder. I'm still a total introvert, but I make an effort to see these people because it's actually fun.
posted by fanta_orange at 6:26 AM on May 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by fanta_orange at 6:26 AM on May 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
One thing important is how good you're with engaging with people. I often come up as shy and anti-social and overall an asshole for a variety of reasons, but it all boils down to me not being any good at things like small talk and niceties like pretending to be interested/interesting. A friend of mine thought I was some sort of megalithic bouncer-type until she needed to ask a few questions about my line of work, and conversation evolved from work to Watchmen the movie, and for stuff we had in common. I found her line of work very interesting and vice-versa and it kind of took off from there.
For instance, I've been to the Porto chapter of CreativeMornings (free lectures with breakfast) five times in a row, and in those two hours I'm there, other than saying my name logging in, very rarely talked (I don't like talking). On most pre-lecture photos I'm in, I'm usually writing on a notebook, in part because I really don't want anybody asking me questions... despite being there to know people that are in the same wavelength as me. But unless you project yourselves as being open to conversation, I don't think ANY suggestion will help.
This might only apply if you're in a urban center, but I'd try going to places that run hands-on crafts workshops (no computer stuff), the kind where there's just one big work desk and everyone is sharing the same space and become regulars.
posted by lmfsilva at 6:57 AM on May 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
For instance, I've been to the Porto chapter of CreativeMornings (free lectures with breakfast) five times in a row, and in those two hours I'm there, other than saying my name logging in, very rarely talked (I don't like talking). On most pre-lecture photos I'm in, I'm usually writing on a notebook, in part because I really don't want anybody asking me questions... despite being there to know people that are in the same wavelength as me. But unless you project yourselves as being open to conversation, I don't think ANY suggestion will help.
This might only apply if you're in a urban center, but I'd try going to places that run hands-on crafts workshops (no computer stuff), the kind where there's just one big work desk and everyone is sharing the same space and become regulars.
posted by lmfsilva at 6:57 AM on May 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's tough to make new friends as a grown up. It really is. Most adults generally devolve into social groups centered around their kids, coworkers and extended families. So it takes work and effort to establish ties.
It's a lot of trial and error to find your right group unfortunately. I usually end up trying and joining a lot of different things whenever I move to a new city. And most don't pan out at all, and some pan out in weird ways. (Like the knitting group I was loosely in, which led the one girl to try and hook me up with her college professor, who did not even bat for my team but I became good friends with who introduced me to HIS friends...etc, etc) It might help to make a concrete goal to participate in X number of social things a month until it starts to click.
The main thing once you find a group that you can tolerate is that you have to keep saying yes to invitations and group things even if you're not really feeling it. Obviously if you actively dislike the people, or the thing makes you uncomfortable that's one thing. But if you're just kind of 'meh' about it, go anyway. Usually you'll be glad you did, and if not it's okay if you bow out early.
You will also have to initiate from time to time. Invite people to movies, to dinner. You can do this to one or two people at a time if a group is overwhelming.
Ask for help. Asking someone for a lift when your car's in the shop, or just for recommendations on a good place to get X or whatever actually makes social bonds. It's weird but since people usually like people they do favors for, once they do a favor for you they tend to like you. (within reason) I got a lot closer to my coworkers after they helped me with car troubles.
posted by Caravantea at 7:00 AM on May 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's a lot of trial and error to find your right group unfortunately. I usually end up trying and joining a lot of different things whenever I move to a new city. And most don't pan out at all, and some pan out in weird ways. (Like the knitting group I was loosely in, which led the one girl to try and hook me up with her college professor, who did not even bat for my team but I became good friends with who introduced me to HIS friends...etc, etc) It might help to make a concrete goal to participate in X number of social things a month until it starts to click.
The main thing once you find a group that you can tolerate is that you have to keep saying yes to invitations and group things even if you're not really feeling it. Obviously if you actively dislike the people, or the thing makes you uncomfortable that's one thing. But if you're just kind of 'meh' about it, go anyway. Usually you'll be glad you did, and if not it's okay if you bow out early.
You will also have to initiate from time to time. Invite people to movies, to dinner. You can do this to one or two people at a time if a group is overwhelming.
Ask for help. Asking someone for a lift when your car's in the shop, or just for recommendations on a good place to get X or whatever actually makes social bonds. It's weird but since people usually like people they do favors for, once they do a favor for you they tend to like you. (within reason) I got a lot closer to my coworkers after they helped me with car troubles.
posted by Caravantea at 7:00 AM on May 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
By all means make more social contracts if that will make you feel happier or less lonely, but are you sure you really fit the definitions in that NHS study? You don't live alone, you have a confidant, you aren't feeling subjectively lonely. So the idea that you must subject yourself to unpleasant experiences so you'll live longer might not be what the study actually shows.
posted by kevinsp8 at 7:42 AM on May 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by kevinsp8 at 7:42 AM on May 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
Part of it may be that you feel like being less isolated means you have to go make friends. I don't think this is the case. There are many opportunities to be out in the world which don't involve a lot of human contact but are nevertheless somewhat social. It might also be useful to look at these social contacts like medicine (sort of how I view going to the gym some days). It's not something you might choose but it's good for you and will help you live longer.
So, the obvious options are meetup type things, volunteering for causes that you enjoy, hobbies, etc. In my small town, I've gotten involved in community service type things. I serve on a local political board with people who don't really share the same views as me but the job is to be on a panel of people from the town and make some decisions. We don't do it often but it's quite useful and I see the same group of people over and over which has value to me, being known by people and knowing them. Similar types of things include being the guy who picks up litter in the neighborhood (this is how David Sedaris does it) or just being the guy who gets the same thing at the coffee shop on Mondays. You don't have to interact with people as much as it's good to be known by them even a little bit. Become a regular at the library, the barber shop, the humane society (or UK equivalent). Consider a volunteer job that is solitary but necessary (we have book repairer types at my library who are very introverted, do a lovely job and are very important to the library but do not have to make chitchat with anyone and mostly get left alone).
In short, find ways to get out of the house and among people first. Worry about friends and more social stuff later if it looks like that's a thing you still need or want. I know it's crappy to think about but two people with no friends who are together is one sort of thing but if something happened to one of you, the person left is an island and might have a really hard time. Try thinking about that as a reason to branch out more and see what you come up with.
posted by jessamyn at 7:52 AM on May 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
So, the obvious options are meetup type things, volunteering for causes that you enjoy, hobbies, etc. In my small town, I've gotten involved in community service type things. I serve on a local political board with people who don't really share the same views as me but the job is to be on a panel of people from the town and make some decisions. We don't do it often but it's quite useful and I see the same group of people over and over which has value to me, being known by people and knowing them. Similar types of things include being the guy who picks up litter in the neighborhood (this is how David Sedaris does it) or just being the guy who gets the same thing at the coffee shop on Mondays. You don't have to interact with people as much as it's good to be known by them even a little bit. Become a regular at the library, the barber shop, the humane society (or UK equivalent). Consider a volunteer job that is solitary but necessary (we have book repairer types at my library who are very introverted, do a lovely job and are very important to the library but do not have to make chitchat with anyone and mostly get left alone).
In short, find ways to get out of the house and among people first. Worry about friends and more social stuff later if it looks like that's a thing you still need or want. I know it's crappy to think about but two people with no friends who are together is one sort of thing but if something happened to one of you, the person left is an island and might have a really hard time. Try thinking about that as a reason to branch out more and see what you come up with.
posted by jessamyn at 7:52 AM on May 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers so far, it's been really interesting to read everyone's perspectives – just a couple of clarifications though:
It's not really that we don't know how to meet people, it's that we don't enjoy being around people or talking to them at all, so it's definitely going to be a sort of "social contact as medicine" situation if we do increase our interaction with other people - I guess what we're looking for is ways of making the medicine less unpleasant to take, if that's possible?
@winterhill, you've definitely got it tougher than me – I work in the policy/performance side of social care, so thankfully I get to sit in an office and fiddle with spreadsheets all day, but I think I'd last about two minutes if I was actually a care worker!
posted by RedRob at 9:23 AM on May 30, 2015
It's not really that we don't know how to meet people, it's that we don't enjoy being around people or talking to them at all, so it's definitely going to be a sort of "social contact as medicine" situation if we do increase our interaction with other people - I guess what we're looking for is ways of making the medicine less unpleasant to take, if that's possible?
@winterhill, you've definitely got it tougher than me – I work in the policy/performance side of social care, so thankfully I get to sit in an office and fiddle with spreadsheets all day, but I think I'd last about two minutes if I was actually a care worker!
posted by RedRob at 9:23 AM on May 30, 2015
How to make it less unpleasant
1. Don't go about it as a couple, go about it as two individuals with different needs. Do less stuff together.
2. Go to social events that don't require interactions: lectures, certain church services, gyms, people watching at the coffee shop. Make a commitment to go for 3 months - build the habit, despite the uncomfortable feelings.
3. Find ways to monitor the negative self talk. Instead of "I don't enjoy this" use a more positive statement in your head "this is helping me live longer". "I'm choosing this because..."
4. Don't put pressure on others to be "the one". Start small, start slow, keep expectations low. But don't tolerate bigotry.
5. Look for things where everyone is busy with a task, like picking up garbage. Its like parallel play for grown ups.
6. Take the research with a grain of salt. Lots of things influence health as we age, and population studies don't take into account what you as an individual may need.
posted by SyraCarol at 9:33 AM on May 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. Don't go about it as a couple, go about it as two individuals with different needs. Do less stuff together.
2. Go to social events that don't require interactions: lectures, certain church services, gyms, people watching at the coffee shop. Make a commitment to go for 3 months - build the habit, despite the uncomfortable feelings.
3. Find ways to monitor the negative self talk. Instead of "I don't enjoy this" use a more positive statement in your head "this is helping me live longer". "I'm choosing this because..."
4. Don't put pressure on others to be "the one". Start small, start slow, keep expectations low. But don't tolerate bigotry.
5. Look for things where everyone is busy with a task, like picking up garbage. Its like parallel play for grown ups.
6. Take the research with a grain of salt. Lots of things influence health as we age, and population studies don't take into account what you as an individual may need.
posted by SyraCarol at 9:33 AM on May 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
What do you like about your partner, and vice versa? Those qualities are not unique to the two of you among all of humanity (although I get it if it feels like your partner is a rare combination of appealing qualities).
Not all people suck, is what I'm getting at. Has neither of you really never met anyone else you enjoy being around? Identifying what appeals to you might be a first step toward figuring out how/where to socialize.
posted by jessicapierce at 9:34 AM on May 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Not all people suck, is what I'm getting at. Has neither of you really never met anyone else you enjoy being around? Identifying what appeals to you might be a first step toward figuring out how/where to socialize.
posted by jessicapierce at 9:34 AM on May 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
The way you phrase this does make me wonder whether finding social contact actively unpleasant might not work counter to the benefits shown in these studies...
In any case, a couple of practical thoughts:
Try socialising based around any obscure, niche interests you have or would like to develop. Make social interaction about a thing first and foremost and go with the flow as far as the people into it are concerned.
Try interacting on webforums - again you might want to focus on specialist interests to start with. This kind of social interaction can be had on demand, regularly or not, and can be as involved or throwaway as you like.
The idea with both of these is to sidestep some of the need for "hi, how are you, nice weather" stuff that can typify casual acquaintance and make interaction feel tedious or generic.
posted by protorp at 10:08 AM on May 30, 2015
In any case, a couple of practical thoughts:
Try socialising based around any obscure, niche interests you have or would like to develop. Make social interaction about a thing first and foremost and go with the flow as far as the people into it are concerned.
Try interacting on webforums - again you might want to focus on specialist interests to start with. This kind of social interaction can be had on demand, regularly or not, and can be as involved or throwaway as you like.
The idea with both of these is to sidestep some of the need for "hi, how are you, nice weather" stuff that can typify casual acquaintance and make interaction feel tedious or generic.
posted by protorp at 10:08 AM on May 30, 2015
It's not really that we don't know how to meet people, it's that we don't enjoy being around people or talking to them at all, so it's definitely going to be a sort of "social contact as medicine" situation if we do increase our interaction with other people
If these are your real feelings, I would just stay home. The stress you would feel from doing something you find deeply unpleasant is likely to mitigate any benefits from the social contact.
And you won't be doing they people you're interacting with any favors either. People can usually tell when the person they're talking to has no interest in the interaction. Why subject yourselves, or anyone else to this?
posted by pantarei70 at 10:09 AM on May 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
If these are your real feelings, I would just stay home. The stress you would feel from doing something you find deeply unpleasant is likely to mitigate any benefits from the social contact.
And you won't be doing they people you're interacting with any favors either. People can usually tell when the person they're talking to has no interest in the interaction. Why subject yourselves, or anyone else to this?
posted by pantarei70 at 10:09 AM on May 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Join or *start* a neighborhood/community group -- these are desperately needed, not just for you, but for other people near you. By spending time with people who are in *walking* distance from each other, people can find others who are easily able to help with checking in on older neighbors, babysitting, watching for crime, helping with yardwork, and also easy projects (easy if groups do them) that make life more livable.
It will be difficult to talk people into joining this kind of thing, though. Maybe marshal your research and give people a little document to convince them. However, if you just make something interesting and/or fun for people, they might also just show up.
As for liking them -- if you've spent a lot of your formative years with people judging you negatively, and basically showing you worse aspects of themselves, that can be hard. Your brain naturally generalizes. I think that focusing on people who are nice, who are doing positive things, it can help with this -- if you can start by convincing yourselves that any random person is likely to be not just nice, but also interesting (by reflecting on the sheer numbers of nice interesting people in the world, but focusing on one or two individuals right before meeting new people), I think you might be able to turn this around. This is just my personal theory, though, and I'm just starting to test it on myself.
posted by amtho at 10:09 AM on May 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
It will be difficult to talk people into joining this kind of thing, though. Maybe marshal your research and give people a little document to convince them. However, if you just make something interesting and/or fun for people, they might also just show up.
As for liking them -- if you've spent a lot of your formative years with people judging you negatively, and basically showing you worse aspects of themselves, that can be hard. Your brain naturally generalizes. I think that focusing on people who are nice, who are doing positive things, it can help with this -- if you can start by convincing yourselves that any random person is likely to be not just nice, but also interesting (by reflecting on the sheer numbers of nice interesting people in the world, but focusing on one or two individuals right before meeting new people), I think you might be able to turn this around. This is just my personal theory, though, and I'm just starting to test it on myself.
posted by amtho at 10:09 AM on May 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
mrs. straw and I just got back from the International Association of Gay Square Dance Clubs annual convention.
At the banquet dinner, a long-time participant in that community observed that he loved square dancing because it was social, but 12 out of every 15 minutes someone else was telling him what to do.
I've heard square dancing described as "dancing for math nerds". It's full of people who have social challenges (and many who don't). Gay square dancing is an amazingly accepting and wonderful community (they even make space for (mostly) straight people like me), it's a place to be out and about with people, and if you've got social challenges, well, you can just dance. And if you don't feel comfortable dancing, they teach you that, too.
Find yourself a gay square dance club. You'll be a little younger than most there (although there's often huge age differences in gay relationships, so it won't be weird), but it's a community that's evolved to be pretty much exactly what you're looking for.
You've got a little over a year. Find a class, learn to Plus, usually the gay clubs try to time out their classes so that you can dance that level at the international convention (and OMG convention is so much fun!) and we'll see you in Toronto at next year's IAGSDC convention.
posted by straw at 10:48 AM on May 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
At the banquet dinner, a long-time participant in that community observed that he loved square dancing because it was social, but 12 out of every 15 minutes someone else was telling him what to do.
I've heard square dancing described as "dancing for math nerds". It's full of people who have social challenges (and many who don't). Gay square dancing is an amazingly accepting and wonderful community (they even make space for (mostly) straight people like me), it's a place to be out and about with people, and if you've got social challenges, well, you can just dance. And if you don't feel comfortable dancing, they teach you that, too.
Find yourself a gay square dance club. You'll be a little younger than most there (although there's often huge age differences in gay relationships, so it won't be weird), but it's a community that's evolved to be pretty much exactly what you're looking for.
You've got a little over a year. Find a class, learn to Plus, usually the gay clubs try to time out their classes so that you can dance that level at the international convention (and OMG convention is so much fun!) and we'll see you in Toronto at next year's IAGSDC convention.
posted by straw at 10:48 AM on May 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Find an activity that you enjoy doing, that incidentally has social contacts. Find the spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.
Remember too that social contacts can be as simple as the other regulars you see at your coffee place or regular hang out. My mother goes daily to the same coffee house, she missed one day & two other regulars called around her place that day to make sure she was OK. It was a small town so they knew where she lived, but as she is 74 and I am half a world away it's nice to know even strangers are keeping an eye out on her. So maybe try & become regulars somewhere.
posted by wwax at 11:04 AM on May 30, 2015
Remember too that social contacts can be as simple as the other regulars you see at your coffee place or regular hang out. My mother goes daily to the same coffee house, she missed one day & two other regulars called around her place that day to make sure she was OK. It was a small town so they knew where she lived, but as she is 74 and I am half a world away it's nice to know even strangers are keeping an eye out on her. So maybe try & become regulars somewhere.
posted by wwax at 11:04 AM on May 30, 2015
Are you friendly with any of your neighbors? I wonder if you could sort of slowly increase contact with a few neighbors by chatting a bit more when you run into folks. In the long run, those can be great relationships -- it's nice when we care about folks who live near us, if only to grab the mail for each other during vacations.
I also wonder if you all have been together for so long that you default to "we" way too much. It's great to have each other, but you are also individuals with, presumably, your own interests. Can you find something you each like and try to pursue that further?
posted by bluedaisy at 11:17 AM on May 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also wonder if you all have been together for so long that you default to "we" way too much. It's great to have each other, but you are also individuals with, presumably, your own interests. Can you find something you each like and try to pursue that further?
posted by bluedaisy at 11:17 AM on May 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I haven't read through all of the responses thoroughly, but volunteering might be good for you folks. You have a specific job for a specific amount of time every week so everybody is focused on their task. There will be people there, but it's unlikely to require deep or long conversations with anyone. Dog walking at the SPCA? Odd jobs at the YMCA? Libraries often need book-shelvers. More social volunteering could include working at a senior's home (playing games with them , chatting with them) or reading to kids at a hospital.
posted by eisforcool at 12:02 PM on May 30, 2015
posted by eisforcool at 12:02 PM on May 30, 2015
I only had a few minutes to skim the article so disregard this if I am misinterpreting it. It seemed to define loneliness not as just being by yourself but wanting interaction and connection with others but not being able to for whatever reason.
Do you all truly want to socialize? It sounds like you think you should but aren't really into it. I don't think making more friends = better health and longevity.
My husband and I are homebodies. I have one girlfriend that I have dinner with a couple of times a year and I exchange periodic emails with my family. He has a work buddy but doesn't really socialize either and this is perfect for us. I'm introverted and he just likes his peace and quiet. Neither of us feel lonely.
it's that we don't enjoy being around people or talking to them at all, so it's definitely going to be a sort of "social contact as medicine" situation if we do increase our interaction with other people - I guess what we're looking for is ways of making the medicine less unpleasant to take, if that's possible?
I'm with the other posters above who just say don't force this unless you genuinely want to socialize more. Is your relationship good? Do you support each other when there are problems? Can you confide in each other? Do you have fun with each other? Do you both work and play enough with each other and by yourselves?
If you both can answer yes to all those questions, I just don't see a problem that needs fixing here. If you want to make more friends, by all means do so, but don't do it just because you think it might make you live longer. If I had to socialize more, I'd be more unhappy and stressed out - definitely not better for my health.
posted by Beti at 12:57 PM on May 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Do you all truly want to socialize? It sounds like you think you should but aren't really into it. I don't think making more friends = better health and longevity.
My husband and I are homebodies. I have one girlfriend that I have dinner with a couple of times a year and I exchange periodic emails with my family. He has a work buddy but doesn't really socialize either and this is perfect for us. I'm introverted and he just likes his peace and quiet. Neither of us feel lonely.
it's that we don't enjoy being around people or talking to them at all, so it's definitely going to be a sort of "social contact as medicine" situation if we do increase our interaction with other people - I guess what we're looking for is ways of making the medicine less unpleasant to take, if that's possible?
I'm with the other posters above who just say don't force this unless you genuinely want to socialize more. Is your relationship good? Do you support each other when there are problems? Can you confide in each other? Do you have fun with each other? Do you both work and play enough with each other and by yourselves?
If you both can answer yes to all those questions, I just don't see a problem that needs fixing here. If you want to make more friends, by all means do so, but don't do it just because you think it might make you live longer. If I had to socialize more, I'd be more unhappy and stressed out - definitely not better for my health.
posted by Beti at 12:57 PM on May 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Here are two glib-ish sayings for you that might actually be helpful:
Ask a favor, make a friend.posted by amtho at 8:37 PM on May 30, 2015
The best way to have a friend is to be a friend.
I think one of the reasons I got into writing about food business is it's a highly rewarding type of social contact. I just got back from a party at my butcher shop that they through because they are moving. There were a ton of weird mostly introverted people there. And I'm really sad they are moving because on Saturdays they were part of a ritual I had on a day that would be otherwise solitary. I'd get up, lounge around, make coffee, then go to the butcher and eat lunch there, do my meat shopping and chat with them. It was social contact and I enjoyed the food.
I have similar relationships with people at the local coffee shops, small grocery stores, bakeries and a couple of bars/restaurants that are introvert-friendly (particularly earlier in the night) where I sit at the bar and chat with the bartender.
Some of these people I interact with through this have become my friends, but even if they aren't it still counts as social interactions.
posted by melissam at 9:30 PM on May 30, 2015
I have similar relationships with people at the local coffee shops, small grocery stores, bakeries and a couple of bars/restaurants that are introvert-friendly (particularly earlier in the night) where I sit at the bar and chat with the bartender.
Some of these people I interact with through this have become my friends, but even if they aren't it still counts as social interactions.
posted by melissam at 9:30 PM on May 30, 2015
I wonder if you could find a cause to work on, on a policy, advocacy, or activism level, that would include a social element. That way, even if the social part isn't great, you can know you're making a positive impact and get a bonus jolt of living with purpose benefits. Off the social part isn't horrible, so much the better.
posted by Salamandrous at 5:54 AM on May 31, 2015
posted by Salamandrous at 5:54 AM on May 31, 2015
If it appeals, you could adopt a dog. I've gotten to meet a lot of neighbors that way, and found a couple who have turned into actual friends and a few more who would help me out in a pinch, even if we're not quite friends (I'm a little less of a recluse than you are, but only just). Walking and chatting with dogs is low commitment, and you just run into people while out so you don't have to make special plans that you might later psych yourself out of. Dogs also give you an automatic topic for small talk, so the initial chatting is less awkward than it would be at a party.
Also, pets offer their own health benefits!
posted by snaw at 8:34 AM on May 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, pets offer their own health benefits!
posted by snaw at 8:34 AM on May 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
My husband likes deeper connections, so he goes to things like book clubs (there are some very niche book groups out there), where he may only meet people once a month but it is the same people each time and they have very in-depth conversations.
I also think this is half the reason a lot of people have children, if that holds any appeal for you.
posted by tinkletown at 5:54 AM on May 30, 2015 [1 favorite]