trying to make Al Anon work for me
July 3, 2021 2:29 AM Subscribe
I'm a newcomer who joined (1 month so far) because despite not having been raised by alcoholics/addicts, my current partner is an alcoholic in recovery, I am very hurt by his behavior, and I feel like my emotions (and life) have become unmanageable.
I like the rituals of the meetings, the serenity prayer, the sense of community of others in the same headspace.
But a few things don't sit right...
1. I believe in a higher power (nature, the universe - natural forces beyond my control and bigger than myself) but I struggle with specifically how this can help me cope with my emotional problems relating to my partner's alcoholism. It feels like a leap I'm not sure how to make? My spiritual feelings exist (when I'm in the woods or the ocean, I feel awe and connectedness) but how exactly do I "turn over my life" to them?
2. From meetings and literature, it seems there's a narrative that people who grew up in alcoholic homes/select alcoholic partners share a certain set of traits: doormats, people pleasers, rescuers, enablers, martyrs, helpers, control freaks. I don't think this actually applies to me (not that I'm flawless, I just have different flaws!) Does this mean I'm in denial subconsciously, or that these are erroneous generalizations? How do I fit in with the group when I don't share this view of myself?
3. The main tenet seems to be that we cannot change the behavior of the alcoholic, only our reactions to it. In many ways, I get this. But it's also made me feel a sense of helplessness and hesitancy to ask my partner to consider my feelings and to communicate differently with me. Are my only choices to accept the relationship as is or to leave? Is there no middle ground of talking about the behaviors that hurt me? I guess the bigger question is whether an alcoholic is capable of modifying their interpersonal skills or not?
1. I believe in a higher power (nature, the universe - natural forces beyond my control and bigger than myself) but I struggle with specifically how this can help me cope with my emotional problems relating to my partner's alcoholism. It feels like a leap I'm not sure how to make? My spiritual feelings exist (when I'm in the woods or the ocean, I feel awe and connectedness) but how exactly do I "turn over my life" to them?
2. From meetings and literature, it seems there's a narrative that people who grew up in alcoholic homes/select alcoholic partners share a certain set of traits: doormats, people pleasers, rescuers, enablers, martyrs, helpers, control freaks. I don't think this actually applies to me (not that I'm flawless, I just have different flaws!) Does this mean I'm in denial subconsciously, or that these are erroneous generalizations? How do I fit in with the group when I don't share this view of myself?
3. The main tenet seems to be that we cannot change the behavior of the alcoholic, only our reactions to it. In many ways, I get this. But it's also made me feel a sense of helplessness and hesitancy to ask my partner to consider my feelings and to communicate differently with me. Are my only choices to accept the relationship as is or to leave? Is there no middle ground of talking about the behaviors that hurt me? I guess the bigger question is whether an alcoholic is capable of modifying their interpersonal skills or not?
I don't have any special knowledge of Al-Anon, although based on your points 1 & 2 it probably wouldn't work for me either.
FWIW, there are plenty of people who attend religious gatherings of all sorts without believing the underlying cosmology to be literally true. They can say the words of the prayers along with the orthodox members of the congregation, but with some kind of mental reservation or informal translation into their own understanding of the universe. They still get full value from the solidarity & community of attending.
On point 3 though - I've come to believe that this is 100% true. The only person whose behaviour we have genuine influence over is ourselves, and ultimately that's a source of power rather than helplessness. I didn't get this belief from Al-Anon or any other group - I got it from reading How to be an Adult by David Richo. I recommend it - it doesn't presuppose any prior beliefs in higher powers, or make assumptions about your personality traits. There's also a follow-up that I haven't read, called How to be an Adult in Relationships.
posted by rd45 at 5:08 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
FWIW, there are plenty of people who attend religious gatherings of all sorts without believing the underlying cosmology to be literally true. They can say the words of the prayers along with the orthodox members of the congregation, but with some kind of mental reservation or informal translation into their own understanding of the universe. They still get full value from the solidarity & community of attending.
On point 3 though - I've come to believe that this is 100% true. The only person whose behaviour we have genuine influence over is ourselves, and ultimately that's a source of power rather than helplessness. I didn't get this belief from Al-Anon or any other group - I got it from reading How to be an Adult by David Richo. I recommend it - it doesn't presuppose any prior beliefs in higher powers, or make assumptions about your personality traits. There's also a follow-up that I haven't read, called How to be an Adult in Relationships.
posted by rd45 at 5:08 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
1. This is super duper common, even amongst people who come from an organized religious background. Even amongst people who've been doing the deal for a long time. This is a great topic to bring up in a meeting, or to ask a fellow member.
2. People are looking for shared experiences, so shorthand like "I'm a doormat!" is common. But people play different roles relative to the alcoholics in their lives. Listen for folks whose experience resonates with you and talk to them.
3. Again, what you're feeling here is common. I came in completely thinking, "How do I get my beloved to do what I need them to do for us to be happy?" But my beloved wants us to be happy, too. They're their own person, making bad decisions I don't like, but their decisions.
Telling them how you feel and what impact their behavior has on you isn't just something you won't have to give up; it's essential! You're not a cipher, and your well being and feelings matter. What you will have to give up to adopt this framing is the notion that you communicate this in order to achieve an outcome that makes you happy.
I talk about my feelings because it's right and it's kind to be open with my loved ones about them. That life will be good if I share them isn't something I causally believe; in fact, I can see sometimes that being honest may have consequences I don't like. But I don't talk about them to make the relationship be what I want it to be; I talk about them because it's the right thing to do.
Good luck; you'll be okay, and I assure you you're doing the right thing. Whatever you do!
posted by billjings at 6:17 AM on July 3, 2021 [5 favorites]
2. People are looking for shared experiences, so shorthand like "I'm a doormat!" is common. But people play different roles relative to the alcoholics in their lives. Listen for folks whose experience resonates with you and talk to them.
3. Again, what you're feeling here is common. I came in completely thinking, "How do I get my beloved to do what I need them to do for us to be happy?" But my beloved wants us to be happy, too. They're their own person, making bad decisions I don't like, but their decisions.
Telling them how you feel and what impact their behavior has on you isn't just something you won't have to give up; it's essential! You're not a cipher, and your well being and feelings matter. What you will have to give up to adopt this framing is the notion that you communicate this in order to achieve an outcome that makes you happy.
I talk about my feelings because it's right and it's kind to be open with my loved ones about them. That life will be good if I share them isn't something I causally believe; in fact, I can see sometimes that being honest may have consequences I don't like. But I don't talk about them to make the relationship be what I want it to be; I talk about them because it's the right thing to do.
Good luck; you'll be okay, and I assure you you're doing the right thing. Whatever you do!
posted by billjings at 6:17 AM on July 3, 2021 [5 favorites]
I did al anon pretty regularly for a while. Honestly in a way it’s a shame we can’t talk about therapy in meetings because it really helped me get through some fo the literature I was fighting against because for me it felt like the literature was painting us as victims. But re #2: I’ve come to believe what they are describing is a trauma response, not victim hood. That helped me recontextualize many things, including your point number 3: it’s exactly why I now do speak up instead of saying nothing. Yeah I can’t change the other persons behavior, but I get to say “this is unacceptable to me.” I get to have boundaries.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 7:39 AM on July 3, 2021 [10 favorites]
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 7:39 AM on July 3, 2021 [10 favorites]
For me, #1 is the acknowledgement that I am not the most powerful force in the universe. I don't turn my life over to a higher power as much as I accept that my life is already run by chance and chaos. That's just me. Alternatively, you can choose to interpret this as accepting that God has a plan in place for you. Alternatively, you can choose to accept that the world seeks balance or... whatever resonates for you.
For #2 I can't offer any insight because that is squarely me.
For #3, it is true. You can say to someone "When you do X, I feel Y. It would make me happy if you would Z." Only they can choose to change X or do Z.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:47 AM on July 3, 2021 [4 favorites]
For #2 I can't offer any insight because that is squarely me.
For #3, it is true. You can say to someone "When you do X, I feel Y. It would make me happy if you would Z." Only they can choose to change X or do Z.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:47 AM on July 3, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think actually all 3 of these tenets are aspects of the same thing - the thing that al-anon is supposed to help you cope with: You don't have control over anybody else's behavior, and you're not supposed to.
1 - Focusing on a higher power is the best way to remember how very many forces are at work that are beyond you. It is a way to practice submitting to reality instead of trying to change it.
2 - Whatever narrative you're picking up that's leading you to center on the pejorative terms people tend to use (doormat, martyr, etc) is exactly what you should be working on. Nobody IS their behavior - your husband is not the things he's done to hurt you, nor are you the things you've done to cope with the pain it's caused. It is human and normal to try to contain / control painful situations by whatever means possible. Your behaviors may be different, but as you have said, they're unmanageable and therefore worth addressing. These are erroneous generalizations and I think that people tend to make them of themselves at al-anon because it's a shortcut to feeling understood.
3 - You do have to accept the relationship as it is. You're only one party in it and he is the other - so it's up to you about what you do about that. That certainly doesn't mean that you have to accept the behaviors he exhibits that hurt you, you can absolutely let him know how they make you feel and that you won't accept them. But also, you are the other party in the relationship? So the relationship as it is -- includes how you feel about it, what you want, what you will and won't accept. Maybe you could break it down into what that means. Accepting the relationship for how it is now actually requires: Accepting where he's at, accepting where YOU are at, and recognizing what and how you are relating to each other based on that as reality that you can't change until it is accepted by both of you.
Sorry I wanted to add one more thing - absolutely alcoholics are capable of modifying their behaviors. Many of them have and do! But it doesn't mean they will, and many of them don't. I don't know if that's helpful, maybe it sounds very hand-wavy. I will say that I have found great help in al-anon managing the spectrum of my behavior and that of my loved ones struggling with addiction (and the pain that drove them to said addiction), but it can get very depressing, listening to so many other struggle at different points along the spectrum of this. It can be very hard to pick out the gems of truth and guidance from the things people say that scare you or drive you away. That is very normal, I think!
posted by pazazygeek at 8:07 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
1 - Focusing on a higher power is the best way to remember how very many forces are at work that are beyond you. It is a way to practice submitting to reality instead of trying to change it.
2 - Whatever narrative you're picking up that's leading you to center on the pejorative terms people tend to use (doormat, martyr, etc) is exactly what you should be working on. Nobody IS their behavior - your husband is not the things he's done to hurt you, nor are you the things you've done to cope with the pain it's caused. It is human and normal to try to contain / control painful situations by whatever means possible. Your behaviors may be different, but as you have said, they're unmanageable and therefore worth addressing. These are erroneous generalizations and I think that people tend to make them of themselves at al-anon because it's a shortcut to feeling understood.
3 - You do have to accept the relationship as it is. You're only one party in it and he is the other - so it's up to you about what you do about that. That certainly doesn't mean that you have to accept the behaviors he exhibits that hurt you, you can absolutely let him know how they make you feel and that you won't accept them. But also, you are the other party in the relationship? So the relationship as it is -- includes how you feel about it, what you want, what you will and won't accept. Maybe you could break it down into what that means. Accepting the relationship for how it is now actually requires: Accepting where he's at, accepting where YOU are at, and recognizing what and how you are relating to each other based on that as reality that you can't change until it is accepted by both of you.
Sorry I wanted to add one more thing - absolutely alcoholics are capable of modifying their behaviors. Many of them have and do! But it doesn't mean they will, and many of them don't. I don't know if that's helpful, maybe it sounds very hand-wavy. I will say that I have found great help in al-anon managing the spectrum of my behavior and that of my loved ones struggling with addiction (and the pain that drove them to said addiction), but it can get very depressing, listening to so many other struggle at different points along the spectrum of this. It can be very hard to pick out the gems of truth and guidance from the things people say that scare you or drive you away. That is very normal, I think!
posted by pazazygeek at 8:07 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
1. Surrender to higher power – belief in a Higher Power that has a plan for your life can make it easier to let go of things you can’t control. But you can still work on accepting the things you cannot change, even without a concept of there being a powerful someone ultimately working a mysterious plan on your behalf. Even people who believe in a loving god or gods generally come to accept (or rail against) the apparent fact that this entity’s “plan” for their life may be very different from what they themselves desire, and that it generally includes a certain amount of adversity. There’s a sort of balancing point in life between hoping/working for a certain outcome but also accepting that “things don’t always work out and such is life.” You can definitely cut out the middle man and just accept that life “is what it is” and that there will be ups and downs you will have to ride out. I’ve also heard of people using the concept of your own “Higher Self” as their higher power.
2. Codependent traits – you may not identify strongly with the traits you listed, but maybe examine if they are present for you in more subtle ways or slightly different forms than what is usually talked about. You don’t have to have all of these traits, or identify strongly with them, to find them at work in your relationship. One thing these traits have in common is that they are attempts to control the situation. You don’t have to be a control freak to experience anxiety over the possibility of unfortunate things happening through no fault of your own. When there is a beloved person in your life with issues such as addiction or other wildly unhealthy coping mechanisms, you rightly perceive that you are even more at risk of various misfortunes than you would be otherwise, so naturally you become more and more anxious and rely on various coping techniques of your own. Being a pleaser, helping, rescuing and other attempts at damage control are linked to anxiety over the consequences of the other person’s behavior, such as deterioration of the relationship, financial ruin, etc. Adopting coping mechanisms doesn’t necessarily mean that those traits are part of your basic personality structure, they are a response to an out-of-control situation. So I would first examine if you can notice the codependent traits you listed at work in limited ways that pertain mostly or exclusively to the relationship. Or see if you can identify other perhaps less than ideal behaviors you use to manage your anxiety and gain some influence over your partner’s behavior. Understanding how your coping mechanisms have some underlying similarities to others, even if they are not the same on the surface, may help you find some common ground.
3. Accept partner/relationship “as is” or leave – part of “accepting the things you cannot change” is, once you’ve accepted a thing, deciding what you want to DO about it. If you accept that you can’t control your partner’s drinking or behavior, now you can decide to stay, and figure out how to have the best life you can have for yourself under the circumstances (which will hopefully include setting boundaries, figuring out ways to protect yourself from their consequences, refusing to rescue or enable, etc.) ; or you can decide to attempt to work on influencing your partner for a while longer, with the understanding that it may never get better and giving yourself a mental deadline for at what point you will re-eavaluate your decision to stay; or you can decide to leave. Accepting is just basically understanding what you can and can’t control in a situation, and then choosing your response.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:11 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
2. Codependent traits – you may not identify strongly with the traits you listed, but maybe examine if they are present for you in more subtle ways or slightly different forms than what is usually talked about. You don’t have to have all of these traits, or identify strongly with them, to find them at work in your relationship. One thing these traits have in common is that they are attempts to control the situation. You don’t have to be a control freak to experience anxiety over the possibility of unfortunate things happening through no fault of your own. When there is a beloved person in your life with issues such as addiction or other wildly unhealthy coping mechanisms, you rightly perceive that you are even more at risk of various misfortunes than you would be otherwise, so naturally you become more and more anxious and rely on various coping techniques of your own. Being a pleaser, helping, rescuing and other attempts at damage control are linked to anxiety over the consequences of the other person’s behavior, such as deterioration of the relationship, financial ruin, etc. Adopting coping mechanisms doesn’t necessarily mean that those traits are part of your basic personality structure, they are a response to an out-of-control situation. So I would first examine if you can notice the codependent traits you listed at work in limited ways that pertain mostly or exclusively to the relationship. Or see if you can identify other perhaps less than ideal behaviors you use to manage your anxiety and gain some influence over your partner’s behavior. Understanding how your coping mechanisms have some underlying similarities to others, even if they are not the same on the surface, may help you find some common ground.
3. Accept partner/relationship “as is” or leave – part of “accepting the things you cannot change” is, once you’ve accepted a thing, deciding what you want to DO about it. If you accept that you can’t control your partner’s drinking or behavior, now you can decide to stay, and figure out how to have the best life you can have for yourself under the circumstances (which will hopefully include setting boundaries, figuring out ways to protect yourself from their consequences, refusing to rescue or enable, etc.) ; or you can decide to attempt to work on influencing your partner for a while longer, with the understanding that it may never get better and giving yourself a mental deadline for at what point you will re-eavaluate your decision to stay; or you can decide to leave. Accepting is just basically understanding what you can and can’t control in a situation, and then choosing your response.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:11 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
I have several alcoholics in my life and some decades of sobriety myself. A couple of suggestions from my own experience with these programs:
(1) Both AlAnon and AA can emphasize the higher power thing, but I myself don't particularly believe in a god and never have. There are a LOT of us who figure that whatever a Higher Power is, it isn't me, and so we "resign from the debating society." It's surprisingly easy to turn stuff over to "whatever it is" and let it go at that, and it works just fine.
(2) related to the first, they always told me to "take what you like and leave the rest" when dealing with various assertions. I don't fit the characteristics of the child or spouse of an alcoholic. That's okay. I just nod when other people describe themselves as "people pleasers," for instance, and let them be them.
(3) I can be clear about my needs, and alcoholics can change (sometimes apparently in response to what I've said or done), but the link between the two is out of my control. I'm in control of my actions, not anyone else's, and I have to accept that or make myself really upset.
It's worth going, though. It's really nice not to be alone, and however imperfect the program is, it helps to be able to talk with other people in a similar situation.
posted by Peach at 8:34 AM on July 3, 2021 [4 favorites]
(1) Both AlAnon and AA can emphasize the higher power thing, but I myself don't particularly believe in a god and never have. There are a LOT of us who figure that whatever a Higher Power is, it isn't me, and so we "resign from the debating society." It's surprisingly easy to turn stuff over to "whatever it is" and let it go at that, and it works just fine.
(2) related to the first, they always told me to "take what you like and leave the rest" when dealing with various assertions. I don't fit the characteristics of the child or spouse of an alcoholic. That's okay. I just nod when other people describe themselves as "people pleasers," for instance, and let them be them.
(3) I can be clear about my needs, and alcoholics can change (sometimes apparently in response to what I've said or done), but the link between the two is out of my control. I'm in control of my actions, not anyone else's, and I have to accept that or make myself really upset.
It's worth going, though. It's really nice not to be alone, and however imperfect the program is, it helps to be able to talk with other people in a similar situation.
posted by Peach at 8:34 AM on July 3, 2021 [4 favorites]
...a sense of helplessness and hesitancy to ask my partner to consider my feelings and to communicate differently with me.
For me, it helps if I take the attitude that a boundary is something I create for myself. "If parter does x, I will or won't do y." I need to do what's best for me and break the habits that usually cause me to feel frustrated and defeated.
posted by wryly at 9:35 AM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]
For me, it helps if I take the attitude that a boundary is something I create for myself. "If parter does x, I will or won't do y." I need to do what's best for me and break the habits that usually cause me to feel frustrated and defeated.
posted by wryly at 9:35 AM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]
It might be that you’re someone who has a brief experience in AlAnon, picks up some concepts and tools that are useful to you, and moves on to apply those in other support settings that are a better fit for you overall. That’s the trajectory I took, and I don’t think it was a failing in either AlAnon or myself. I’m grateful for the experience even as I realized that the meetings available to me were not ones that were helpful for me long-term.
With that background, I will strongly second what billjings said. You can, and likely should, continue to share your feelings and experiences. But you may find yourself a lot happier if you can separate that from any expectation that your partner will react in a specific way. You share because you are partners and the entity that is Team You will thrive better when you are both making good faith efforts to be kind, honest, and open.
Sharing may not cause change. But it’s quite possibly a precondition for change, and if it doesn’t result in your partner changing behavior then you have new information and can make decisions based on that about how to move forward.
posted by Stacey at 9:41 AM on July 3, 2021 [3 favorites]
With that background, I will strongly second what billjings said. You can, and likely should, continue to share your feelings and experiences. But you may find yourself a lot happier if you can separate that from any expectation that your partner will react in a specific way. You share because you are partners and the entity that is Team You will thrive better when you are both making good faith efforts to be kind, honest, and open.
Sharing may not cause change. But it’s quite possibly a precondition for change, and if it doesn’t result in your partner changing behavior then you have new information and can make decisions based on that about how to move forward.
posted by Stacey at 9:41 AM on July 3, 2021 [3 favorites]
I'm actually taking a college course in the Psychology of self control right now, and this topic came up in class. The psychology behind this idea of "giving up control" is kind of paradoxical, but there is actually good research explaining why it can work. Here's the rough idea:
In general the human brain will subconsciously act to reinforce it's own self image. Ie, people act like who they think they are. It is possible to use "effortful self-control" to suppress action in the short term, but if you need to make changes it's much easier to change your self image and then use that to change behavior. If you think that you can/should fix someone else's behavior, but are unable to do so, you will start to think of yourself as an internally weak person who cannot get things done, and then that will become true. This is particularly bad when you're trying to change the behavior of someone else you care for and cannot.
The higher power part is important because by intentionally giving up your willpower, this paradoxically gives you MORE self-control and resolve to accomplish the goal you are trying to accomplish. Turning your life over means giving over control of this part of your life, so you are not the one responsible for making constant emotionally-difficult conscious choices about someone else's behavior. This can allow you to deal with your own emotions and reactions in a more healthy way and make better choices overall.
As an athiest I have a hard time with the explicitly religious focus of things like Al-anon, but the science shows this isn't important: the important part is that you believe that you are instead following a more important concept/entity that gives you the power to change yourself (deal with emotions in this case, or dealing with addiction). My view on #3 is related to this: You cannot directly change the behavior of someone else, instead you can only react in a way that will make them more likely to change for the better. Asking your partner to consider your feelings more is a reaction and is something fully within your power, but it can help to explicitly think about it as something YOU are doing instead of an implicit demand and attempt to control their behavior
posted by JZig at 9:56 AM on July 3, 2021 [6 favorites]
In general the human brain will subconsciously act to reinforce it's own self image. Ie, people act like who they think they are. It is possible to use "effortful self-control" to suppress action in the short term, but if you need to make changes it's much easier to change your self image and then use that to change behavior. If you think that you can/should fix someone else's behavior, but are unable to do so, you will start to think of yourself as an internally weak person who cannot get things done, and then that will become true. This is particularly bad when you're trying to change the behavior of someone else you care for and cannot.
The higher power part is important because by intentionally giving up your willpower, this paradoxically gives you MORE self-control and resolve to accomplish the goal you are trying to accomplish. Turning your life over means giving over control of this part of your life, so you are not the one responsible for making constant emotionally-difficult conscious choices about someone else's behavior. This can allow you to deal with your own emotions and reactions in a more healthy way and make better choices overall.
As an athiest I have a hard time with the explicitly religious focus of things like Al-anon, but the science shows this isn't important: the important part is that you believe that you are instead following a more important concept/entity that gives you the power to change yourself (deal with emotions in this case, or dealing with addiction). My view on #3 is related to this: You cannot directly change the behavior of someone else, instead you can only react in a way that will make them more likely to change for the better. Asking your partner to consider your feelings more is a reaction and is something fully within your power, but it can help to explicitly think about it as something YOU are doing instead of an implicit demand and attempt to control their behavior
posted by JZig at 9:56 AM on July 3, 2021 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow these are all such great responses, I feel like they give me so much more context and perspective, thank you!
posted by CancerSucks at 11:53 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by CancerSucks at 11:53 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
Haven't had time to read the responses so apologies if this has been discussed but my 2nd hand experience of Al-Anon is that like anything it can be a double edged sword. Lots of talk about "codependency" which, when looked at from another perspective, can often just be family and loved ones trying to mitigate the risks of the alcohol users' use out of compassion, love and pragmatism. The language of codependency, in my experience, can often be pathologizing and stigmatizing for both the alcohol user and their families. Here's a link that's critical of the language of codependency. There's also a pdf on Google cache that I can't access right now on my mobile by the Harm Reduction Therapy Center in SF that is a little less bombastic in tone that I often give to clients who have concerns about being codependent.
posted by flamk at 12:30 PM on July 3, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by flamk at 12:30 PM on July 3, 2021 [5 favorites]
I had a friend share a similar experience in Al-Anon. It’s a great org but not for everyone: perhaps trying a different local group could help, too?
I just wanted to share: I know you love your partner and I’m sure there are many wonderful things about them and in your relationship together. But you also can walk away if/when things are so rough that you are feeling as you are. You can temporarily split up and keep going to meetings, for example. I have been in your shoes, albeit for codependency issues in a relationship due to different factors, and I can’t tell you how relieved I was to finally be out. I found the best way for me to work on those issues — as you said, I also had issues but different ones — was in individual therapy. Ultimately, you know what’s best for you so I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. But I do want to gently remind you that there are many options!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:41 PM on July 3, 2021
I just wanted to share: I know you love your partner and I’m sure there are many wonderful things about them and in your relationship together. But you also can walk away if/when things are so rough that you are feeling as you are. You can temporarily split up and keep going to meetings, for example. I have been in your shoes, albeit for codependency issues in a relationship due to different factors, and I can’t tell you how relieved I was to finally be out. I found the best way for me to work on those issues — as you said, I also had issues but different ones — was in individual therapy. Ultimately, you know what’s best for you so I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. But I do want to gently remind you that there are many options!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:41 PM on July 3, 2021
I second flamk’s link that questions the use of the term codependency. I had a therapist who was great but didn’t call it that. I ended up in the relationship I did in part because I had been so sheltered from alcohol growing up that I didn’t realize how negatively it could affect people but also had the mindset that you can’t quit on someone in a rough time. But we can because we only can control our own behaviors.
If there are a few people in the group you relate to more than others, perhaps you could meet for coffee and hear what works for them in that it might help you find your best strategies.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:43 PM on July 3, 2021
If there are a few people in the group you relate to more than others, perhaps you could meet for coffee and hear what works for them in that it might help you find your best strategies.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:43 PM on July 3, 2021
Here are the cached links I referred to:
Loving Someone Who Loves Alcohol and Drugs
Harm Reduction Therapy With Families and Friends of People With Drug Problems
posted by flamk at 4:18 PM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]
Loving Someone Who Loves Alcohol and Drugs
Harm Reduction Therapy With Families and Friends of People With Drug Problems
posted by flamk at 4:18 PM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]
You can't change someone's behavior, but you can share how their behavior impacts you and their response (acknowledgement of your feelings, effort to change, change) provides you with information you need to determine whether or not this is a good relationship for you.
posted by brookeb at 10:52 PM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by brookeb at 10:52 PM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]
"find another meeting"'
To me, it sounds like what would work for you is a meeting where they don't care about 12-step theory that much and are more about just having a support group, and interaction with other people who understand what you are going through.
posted by thelonius at 7:13 AM on July 4, 2021
To me, it sounds like what would work for you is a meeting where they don't care about 12-step theory that much and are more about just having a support group, and interaction with other people who understand what you are going through.
posted by thelonius at 7:13 AM on July 4, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
2. Yeah the codependency thing is pervasive. My experience of Al-Anon is that it works for me to ensure I’m focusing on myself and not my qualifier, meeting my own needs and recognizing that their behaviors are not up to me.
3. Loving detachment means you can stay. You can set your boundaries. You can leave. It’s up to you but your boundaries are about you and your needs. If your partner is violating your boundaries you may want to consider leaving, sure, you have to know your limits. Remember your boundaries are about you, not your partner.
Feel free to message me.
posted by OrangeVelour at 4:42 AM on July 3, 2021 [10 favorites]