Help - I don't want to celebrate my birthday, my friends do.
June 22, 2021 7:40 AM Subscribe
How do I decline a birthday party? I don't think people believe me when I say I don't want a party. I've said things like "lets have a group celebration for all the parties we missed" or "I really don't want to do anything special". How do you politely say "thanks, but no thanks" without sounding ungrateful when someone is insisting that you MUST CELEBRATE and thinks I'm just being shy or modest about not wanting a party.
It just doesn't seem reasonable that I must go along with things and be anxious and stressed about my own birthday so someone else can feel good about throwing a party. The more I write, the more ridiculous it sounds.
Talk me through this! Have you ever insisted on throwing someone a party? Do you feel like people "secretly" want a party even if they say they don't?
It just doesn't seem reasonable that I must go along with things and be anxious and stressed about my own birthday so someone else can feel good about throwing a party. The more I write, the more ridiculous it sounds.
Talk me through this! Have you ever insisted on throwing someone a party? Do you feel like people "secretly" want a party even if they say they don't?
I have attended a "secret" party that was actually very successful, but it had been very clear beforehand that the birthday person was a bit anxious about the idea of a party but did in fact want one and wanted to overcome the anxiety. Also it was a large but low-key event that was relatively similar to other events the person had enjoyed in the past.
The person in question is a rather unusual person and very good at stating their needs, which was part of why their housemates felt confident that they would actually enjoy a party. I have never met anyone else for whom "no, no I don't want a [party/expensive appliance/trip to Blackpool/pet elephant] really meant that they were just too modest to ask. I do not think that this is actually a thing except very rarely, and I think your friends are being weird.
I really would be very direct with these friends. More direct even than "I do not want a party" - tell them "I am worried that you think I want a party and I'm just saying no to be polite. Let me be really clear - I don't want a party, I don't want a surprise party and I would be very upset if someone threw me a party that I did not want".
posted by Frowner at 8:04 AM on June 22, 2021 [51 favorites]
The person in question is a rather unusual person and very good at stating their needs, which was part of why their housemates felt confident that they would actually enjoy a party. I have never met anyone else for whom "no, no I don't want a [party/expensive appliance/trip to Blackpool/pet elephant] really meant that they were just too modest to ask. I do not think that this is actually a thing except very rarely, and I think your friends are being weird.
I really would be very direct with these friends. More direct even than "I do not want a party" - tell them "I am worried that you think I want a party and I'm just saying no to be polite. Let me be really clear - I don't want a party, I don't want a surprise party and I would be very upset if someone threw me a party that I did not want".
posted by Frowner at 8:04 AM on June 22, 2021 [51 favorites]
My wife and I have been through this sort of thing a few times (although in my case usually in a work context*), and you just have to be firm and clear about it. Don't feel like you need to justify or explain your decision to people; it's your birthday, your choice, and if they're friends and/or family they should respect your wishes.
* one time I walked out of the office as a party I *specifically told my manager* I didn't want was being readied
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:05 AM on June 22, 2021 [10 favorites]
* one time I walked out of the office as a party I *specifically told my manager* I didn't want was being readied
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:05 AM on June 22, 2021 [10 favorites]
I do not want a party.
No really, the best possible birthday present is that I get to spend the evening alone by myself.
posted by phunniemee at 8:05 AM on June 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
No really, the best possible birthday present is that I get to spend the evening alone by myself.
posted by phunniemee at 8:05 AM on June 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
I'm with you- I dislike celebrating my birthday, and have had a weirdly difficult time convincing people that throwing me a party would only be for their own benefit, not mine.
Telling people I don't like birthday parties tends to make people think I'm just being polite and don't want them to make a fuss. Telling people why I don't like birthday parties is kind of personal and anyway just generally leads to then trying to convince me otherwise. Ultimately, I've had most success after these stages by telling people that they can throw a party if they really want to, but that I won't be there. This seems to get the message across that I'm not being polite to save them effort, I genuinely don't want to be involved.
"People enjoy being the centre of attention on their birthdays" is one of those societal expectations that a surprising number of people believe so deeply that they'll assume you're lying, whether out of shyness or politeness, when you tell them otherwise.
More generally, a lot of very caring, well-meaning, and otherwise empathetic people are strangely bad at accepting that other people enjoy different things than they do, or express that enjoyment in different ways. So in a completely sincere attempt to make that person happy, they end up trampling all over started boundaries to give the recipient what they must secretly/unconsciously want. This can be experienced as anywhere from "trying but ultimately sweet" to full-on abusive, depending how things go. Being firm about your boundaries is not being rude; they are being rude by pushing at them.
posted by metaBugs at 8:07 AM on June 22, 2021 [13 favorites]
Telling people I don't like birthday parties tends to make people think I'm just being polite and don't want them to make a fuss. Telling people why I don't like birthday parties is kind of personal and anyway just generally leads to then trying to convince me otherwise. Ultimately, I've had most success after these stages by telling people that they can throw a party if they really want to, but that I won't be there. This seems to get the message across that I'm not being polite to save them effort, I genuinely don't want to be involved.
"People enjoy being the centre of attention on their birthdays" is one of those societal expectations that a surprising number of people believe so deeply that they'll assume you're lying, whether out of shyness or politeness, when you tell them otherwise.
More generally, a lot of very caring, well-meaning, and otherwise empathetic people are strangely bad at accepting that other people enjoy different things than they do, or express that enjoyment in different ways. So in a completely sincere attempt to make that person happy, they end up trampling all over started boundaries to give the recipient what they must secretly/unconsciously want. This can be experienced as anywhere from "trying but ultimately sweet" to full-on abusive, depending how things go. Being firm about your boundaries is not being rude; they are being rude by pushing at them.
posted by metaBugs at 8:07 AM on June 22, 2021 [13 favorites]
There are a lot of us out here that have a lot of baggage around birthdays, and that doesn't even take into account those that are simply introverts and hate the idea of that sort of focus being on them. It's ok not to want one, it's perfectly ok to politely decline, it's even ok to go so far as to say, no, I REALLY don't want one, and that includes DO NOT SURPRISE ME WITH ONE, EITHER...
And to follow it up when they try to pry by telling them that you have personal reasons that you'd prefer not to discuss. And don't. It doesn't matter what those reasons are, either. It could even be "I just don't WANT to" and it's still none of their business.
If they attempt to persist - or heaven forbid, proceed anyway - feel free to refuse to attend, or to leave if they surprise you, guilt free. You warned them. And then you need to do some thinking about the relationship, and consider other ways in which they stomp all over your boundaries, because this might not be the healthiest relationship...
posted by stormyteal at 8:08 AM on June 22, 2021 [7 favorites]
And to follow it up when they try to pry by telling them that you have personal reasons that you'd prefer not to discuss. And don't. It doesn't matter what those reasons are, either. It could even be "I just don't WANT to" and it's still none of their business.
If they attempt to persist - or heaven forbid, proceed anyway - feel free to refuse to attend, or to leave if they surprise you, guilt free. You warned them. And then you need to do some thinking about the relationship, and consider other ways in which they stomp all over your boundaries, because this might not be the healthiest relationship...
posted by stormyteal at 8:08 AM on June 22, 2021 [7 favorites]
If this doesn't trigger your anxiety, they might be more convinced if you offer an alternative. "Thanks, I never feel comfortable at parties in my honor and then it's annoying because you have to pretend to be loving it and it becomes a whole thing. What I actually would really love is if we could [meet up for coffee/go check out that new place/spend some time together/etc.] Would you be up for that?"
posted by trig at 8:14 AM on June 22, 2021 [22 favorites]
posted by trig at 8:14 AM on June 22, 2021 [22 favorites]
Would you be okay with these friends taking you out to eat? Arranging a picnic in a nearby park? Going on a group hike? I think they'll have an easier time accepting you prefer one type of celebratory activity over another, than no celebratory activity at all.
posted by coffeecat at 8:17 AM on June 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 8:17 AM on June 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
When we wanted to celebrate my grandmother's 70th birthday with a big party, she told us, "Thank you, let me know how it goes," which put an end to all party planning. Tell your friends that you either don't want a party at all or that you'd prefer it if it was an all inclusive party for all the birthdays that got missed in the past year. Only offer the all inclusive if you actually want to have an all inclusive birthday party.
posted by Constance Mirabella at 8:19 AM on June 22, 2021 [14 favorites]
posted by Constance Mirabella at 8:19 AM on June 22, 2021 [14 favorites]
So I think part of the problem may be that some people are still operating on the social expectation that you can’t throw your own birthday party, which leaves kind of this weird situation: by those social rules if you have a significant romantic other, that person is Clearly Tasked with the birthday party, but if not you have to rely on the kindness of friends. The social understanding in these cultural rules is that good people won’t want to make work for friends, so they must demur even if they want a party.
Have you tried refusing three times? Alternatively, I would say “Thanks, but I don’t celebrate my birthday” or whatever it is for you. Your responses above, in that social environment, would make me think you were still on board for a joint party but didn’t want a fancy one.
posted by corb at 8:25 AM on June 22, 2021 [4 favorites]
Have you tried refusing three times? Alternatively, I would say “Thanks, but I don’t celebrate my birthday” or whatever it is for you. Your responses above, in that social environment, would make me think you were still on board for a joint party but didn’t want a fancy one.
posted by corb at 8:25 AM on June 22, 2021 [4 favorites]
I hate birthday celebrations and put a stop to them for the most part after a really stressful surprise party many years ago. There are two main ways I've gotten around it:
1) plan a non-birthday-party event very close to my birthday (dinner, barbecue, whatever). We celebrate some other occasion and those who feel obligated can tell themselves it's my birthday party.
2) Enlisting a co-conspirator friend who I am really honest with about the fact that no, I don't want a party and yes, I really mean it and I'm not just being polite. That person then smashes all birthday party planning with "she won't come, let's leave her alone" and also tells me if things DO get planned so that I can be "busy."
posted by assenav at 8:34 AM on June 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
1) plan a non-birthday-party event very close to my birthday (dinner, barbecue, whatever). We celebrate some other occasion and those who feel obligated can tell themselves it's my birthday party.
2) Enlisting a co-conspirator friend who I am really honest with about the fact that no, I don't want a party and yes, I really mean it and I'm not just being polite. That person then smashes all birthday party planning with "she won't come, let's leave her alone" and also tells me if things DO get planned so that I can be "busy."
posted by assenav at 8:34 AM on June 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
It's for other people, and for a community to gather...think about having the party as a gift to people who love you.
posted by PinkMoose at 8:35 AM on June 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by PinkMoose at 8:35 AM on June 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
Do you actively dislike socializing or celebrating anything on the day of your birthday? Or do you just find the idea of a bunch of people throwing a party in your honor is uncomfortable and anxiety provoking?
If it's the former, then yeah, pull your closest friend aside and tell them directly that this is a difficult day for you, you are not interested in celebrating, and you definitely don't want a party. There's nothing ungracious about this. You have to gather up the courage to be vulnerable with them and say it directly.
If the latter, maybe it can be solved by
(a) managing your anxiety? IDK how you prefer to do it, mindfulness or breathing or medication or having a friend whom you can lean on? Assuming the anxiety isn't severe, there's something to be said for confronting it head on, staring anxiety down, and not allowing anxiety to control your access to fun things in life? YMMV, just a suggestion.
(b) reframing the event in your own mind. You don't have to think of it as "your birthday party" (and/or whatever specific aspect of it makes you feel weird). You can think of it as "the excuse my friends are using to throw ourselves a party after a long, hard year." Or you can think of it as "opportunity to hang with friends and raise money for my favorite charity." Any concrete undesirable aspects of birthday parties can be dealt with in a piecemeal way. If you don't want presents, you can tell people that you're collecting donations for your chosen charity or cause. If you don't want anyone singing happy birthday to you, you can say with your tongue in cheek, "I love you all dearly but y'all sound like screeching monkeys when you sing so let's skip the birthday song and just eat cake!" If you don't want a big birthday cake with your name on it, you can say, "Let's do cupcakes/ice cream/beer instead!"
posted by MiraK at 8:41 AM on June 22, 2021
If it's the former, then yeah, pull your closest friend aside and tell them directly that this is a difficult day for you, you are not interested in celebrating, and you definitely don't want a party. There's nothing ungracious about this. You have to gather up the courage to be vulnerable with them and say it directly.
If the latter, maybe it can be solved by
(a) managing your anxiety? IDK how you prefer to do it, mindfulness or breathing or medication or having a friend whom you can lean on? Assuming the anxiety isn't severe, there's something to be said for confronting it head on, staring anxiety down, and not allowing anxiety to control your access to fun things in life? YMMV, just a suggestion.
(b) reframing the event in your own mind. You don't have to think of it as "your birthday party" (and/or whatever specific aspect of it makes you feel weird). You can think of it as "the excuse my friends are using to throw ourselves a party after a long, hard year." Or you can think of it as "opportunity to hang with friends and raise money for my favorite charity." Any concrete undesirable aspects of birthday parties can be dealt with in a piecemeal way. If you don't want presents, you can tell people that you're collecting donations for your chosen charity or cause. If you don't want anyone singing happy birthday to you, you can say with your tongue in cheek, "I love you all dearly but y'all sound like screeching monkeys when you sing so let's skip the birthday song and just eat cake!" If you don't want a big birthday cake with your name on it, you can say, "Let's do cupcakes/ice cream/beer instead!"
posted by MiraK at 8:41 AM on June 22, 2021
The reason they think you're lying and being modest is because you proposed a "group" birthday party. What that communicates is "I don't want people to think I think I'm SO SPECIAL but yes please I want a big ol giant party with the polite fig leaf of It's For Everyone."
(I realize that isn't what you intended to communicate but...that's what you communicated.)
If you actually want that thing, then my dude, you just signed yourself up for party-planning duty. Because they are not picking up what you thought you were laying down.
If you actually want to be left the fuck alone, at this point you're gonna have to sit the worst offender down and tell them flat out they need to knock it the hell off, because you weren't being modest about yourself you were trying to be indulgent to THEM, and now you don't much feel like it anymore since they fucked up so bad at being indulged.
If you just want a solution to the whole deal let them plan the party and set the date and then you just plan yourself a nice little out-of-town vacation for that exact time and date whoopsie doodle!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:50 AM on June 22, 2021 [17 favorites]
(I realize that isn't what you intended to communicate but...that's what you communicated.)
If you actually want that thing, then my dude, you just signed yourself up for party-planning duty. Because they are not picking up what you thought you were laying down.
If you actually want to be left the fuck alone, at this point you're gonna have to sit the worst offender down and tell them flat out they need to knock it the hell off, because you weren't being modest about yourself you were trying to be indulgent to THEM, and now you don't much feel like it anymore since they fucked up so bad at being indulged.
If you just want a solution to the whole deal let them plan the party and set the date and then you just plan yourself a nice little out-of-town vacation for that exact time and date whoopsie doodle!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:50 AM on June 22, 2021 [17 favorites]
(You have my sympathies, birthdays are trash and parties are worse.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:51 AM on June 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:51 AM on June 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
think about having the party as a gift to people who love you.
My heart is not generous enough to be giving people the gift of the thing I like the least on my own birthday and any one who thinks that me exercising my free will on the one day a year that should belong to me and only me is a display of my apparent lack of love for them needs to take a long hard time out in the narcissist corner.
OP, let me tell you about my first Valentine's Day in college (i.e. my first Valentine's Day of my adult life). I told my boyfriend I didn't want to Go Out and Do A Thing specifically for Valentine's Day. We went out on plenty of dates anyway, and doing something just because it was Valentine's Day just really made me uncomfortable. He was like "ok." And then suddenly it's Valentine's Day and he's got this Big Plan to Do A Thing and is acting like it's real important to him, and so I put on nice clothes, which I loathe, and we went out to crowded places full of people also making big displays, which I dislike, and it was also like 3 degrees outside and neither of us could afford a cab and fancy dinner and we just had an absolutely miserable time. And so we were both mad. And when we got back I was like "why did we do this" and he finally copped that he had talked to his mother about it and his mom had told him that I was lying about not wanting to go out for Valentine's Day and that this was a test to see if he would be a good boyfriend. Never mind that his mom had never met me and knew nothing about me. I was so pissed off.
Anyway, you know yourself the best. It is OKAY to set boundaries and it is OKAY to spend your birthday however you want to spend it and other people can fuck right off with their opinions about it.
posted by phunniemee at 9:03 AM on June 22, 2021 [25 favorites]
My heart is not generous enough to be giving people the gift of the thing I like the least on my own birthday and any one who thinks that me exercising my free will on the one day a year that should belong to me and only me is a display of my apparent lack of love for them needs to take a long hard time out in the narcissist corner.
OP, let me tell you about my first Valentine's Day in college (i.e. my first Valentine's Day of my adult life). I told my boyfriend I didn't want to Go Out and Do A Thing specifically for Valentine's Day. We went out on plenty of dates anyway, and doing something just because it was Valentine's Day just really made me uncomfortable. He was like "ok." And then suddenly it's Valentine's Day and he's got this Big Plan to Do A Thing and is acting like it's real important to him, and so I put on nice clothes, which I loathe, and we went out to crowded places full of people also making big displays, which I dislike, and it was also like 3 degrees outside and neither of us could afford a cab and fancy dinner and we just had an absolutely miserable time. And so we were both mad. And when we got back I was like "why did we do this" and he finally copped that he had talked to his mother about it and his mom had told him that I was lying about not wanting to go out for Valentine's Day and that this was a test to see if he would be a good boyfriend. Never mind that his mom had never met me and knew nothing about me. I was so pissed off.
Anyway, you know yourself the best. It is OKAY to set boundaries and it is OKAY to spend your birthday however you want to spend it and other people can fuck right off with their opinions about it.
posted by phunniemee at 9:03 AM on June 22, 2021 [25 favorites]
How do you politely say "thanks, but no thanks" without sounding ungrateful when someone is insisting that you MUST CELEBRATE and thinks I'm just being shy or modest about not wanting a party.
I generally do it by telling anybody who seems on the verge of threatening to organize a party that the best birthday present anybody could possibly give me is just forgetting about my birthday altogether.
And when people get insistent that I must have a party, I just get really direct: "Thanks for thinking of me, and I'm sure that in your head a party is a nice thing and you're only trying to give me a nice thing, and I appreciate the kind thought, but seriously, the best party you could give me is no party at all. I really really do not want to celebrate my birthday or mark it in any way or have it marked in any way and yes, I'm completely serious about that, as everybody else who is close to me already knows; so if somebody does throw a birthday party for me I won't come, and if somebody is selfish enough to inflict a surprise party on me I will immediately walk out and I will be fuming about it. I'm not being shy. I'm not being modest. I'm not being coy or playing hard to get. I straight-up do not want a birthday party and I'd appreciate it if you'd also pass that on to anybody else who might be thinking of organizing one."
Do you feel like people "secretly" want a party even if they say they don't?
Since I know for a fact that when I say I don't want one I mean every word, I'm more than happy to take others at theirs. I find that my life is generally simpler if I just believe people when they tell me what they want.
posted by flabdablet at 9:04 AM on June 22, 2021 [8 favorites]
I generally do it by telling anybody who seems on the verge of threatening to organize a party that the best birthday present anybody could possibly give me is just forgetting about my birthday altogether.
And when people get insistent that I must have a party, I just get really direct: "Thanks for thinking of me, and I'm sure that in your head a party is a nice thing and you're only trying to give me a nice thing, and I appreciate the kind thought, but seriously, the best party you could give me is no party at all. I really really do not want to celebrate my birthday or mark it in any way or have it marked in any way and yes, I'm completely serious about that, as everybody else who is close to me already knows; so if somebody does throw a birthday party for me I won't come, and if somebody is selfish enough to inflict a surprise party on me I will immediately walk out and I will be fuming about it. I'm not being shy. I'm not being modest. I'm not being coy or playing hard to get. I straight-up do not want a birthday party and I'd appreciate it if you'd also pass that on to anybody else who might be thinking of organizing one."
Do you feel like people "secretly" want a party even if they say they don't?
Since I know for a fact that when I say I don't want one I mean every word, I'm more than happy to take others at theirs. I find that my life is generally simpler if I just believe people when they tell me what they want.
posted by flabdablet at 9:04 AM on June 22, 2021 [8 favorites]
It is absolutely not reasonable for you to have/attend a party that you don't want! I would be really frustrated with friends who did not accept my "no, I don't want to have a birthday party" at face value. And I would never keep trying to throw a party for someone who had said no.
It does sound like you've muddied the waters a little with the "maybe a group party" offer, so don't bring that one up again. In your shoes I would stick to a firm, clear "No, thank you, it's kind of you to offer but I do not want to have a birthday party." And then be unavailable for any plans that are made. ("Unavailable" can be "I have a hot date with a good book and my couch".) If you have one or two particularly sympathetic friends, enlist them to the cause of helping you squash the would-be party-planners and/or giving you a discreet heads-up of any surprises.
posted by Stacey at 9:06 AM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
It does sound like you've muddied the waters a little with the "maybe a group party" offer, so don't bring that one up again. In your shoes I would stick to a firm, clear "No, thank you, it's kind of you to offer but I do not want to have a birthday party." And then be unavailable for any plans that are made. ("Unavailable" can be "I have a hot date with a good book and my couch".) If you have one or two particularly sympathetic friends, enlist them to the cause of helping you squash the would-be party-planners and/or giving you a discreet heads-up of any surprises.
posted by Stacey at 9:06 AM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
It's for other people, and for a community to gather
Sounds like a funeral. Which, if it's mine, I also plan not to attend.
posted by flabdablet at 9:13 AM on June 22, 2021 [21 favorites]
Sounds like a funeral. Which, if it's mine, I also plan not to attend.
posted by flabdablet at 9:13 AM on June 22, 2021 [21 favorites]
What’s the difference between “ a group celebration” and a “party?” Would you be okay with having a dinner/potluck/BBQ with friends and toasting everyone’s birthday?
posted by Ideefixe at 9:45 AM on June 22, 2021
posted by Ideefixe at 9:45 AM on June 22, 2021
Do you feel like people "secretly" want a party even if they say they don't?
I would LOVE a birthday party planned and thrown for me by others. However, the people I love would want me to weigh in on everything in order to make it perfectly mine. And no, I am not going to give you the email addresses of people I work with so you can 'sneakily' invite them and no, I don't want to give you my 50 favorite party songs so you can make a playlist, and you should know by now the foods I like and the drinks I don't. So I say I do not want a party because I do not want to perform that kind of work for myself.
But this is not about kimberussell, this is about you, and no means no. You don't want a party and your wishes should be respected. No means no.
posted by kimberussell at 9:51 AM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
I would LOVE a birthday party planned and thrown for me by others. However, the people I love would want me to weigh in on everything in order to make it perfectly mine. And no, I am not going to give you the email addresses of people I work with so you can 'sneakily' invite them and no, I don't want to give you my 50 favorite party songs so you can make a playlist, and you should know by now the foods I like and the drinks I don't. So I say I do not want a party because I do not want to perform that kind of work for myself.
But this is not about kimberussell, this is about you, and no means no. You don't want a party and your wishes should be respected. No means no.
posted by kimberussell at 9:51 AM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
I don't think people believe me when I say I don't want a party.
It's not that they don't believe you. They want to party, and you're their excuse. Solution? Leave town. It's easier now, right? I used to make early December vacation plans just to avoid the office Christmas party. Or just suck it up and go to the party, take the gift but leave as early as possible.
posted by Rash at 9:51 AM on June 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
It's not that they don't believe you. They want to party, and you're their excuse. Solution? Leave town. It's easier now, right? I used to make early December vacation plans just to avoid the office Christmas party. Or just suck it up and go to the party, take the gift but leave as early as possible.
posted by Rash at 9:51 AM on June 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: So many great answers here and it has helped me think it through. I believe folks are just wanting a reason to hang out and celebrate life returning to normal. I feel comfortable hosting a party at my house and if someone wants to bring a cake and say its for my birthday - whatever! I will have an edible and get over myself. : ). Thank you!
posted by nevertoolate at 9:56 AM on June 22, 2021 [38 favorites]
posted by nevertoolate at 9:56 AM on June 22, 2021 [38 favorites]
FWIW, I have solved this problem by never telling any of my friends when my birthday is. And my wife knows not to tell them.
posted by adamrice at 10:01 AM on June 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 10:01 AM on June 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
My best friend and I travel on birthdays when we don't want a party or any other kind of socializing obligation. Sometimes we've actually left the country, and sometimes it's just a drive to someplace pretty within the immediate area. This is a thing you can also do solo (and I have.)
Many party-insister types will be satisfied if you just have SOME kind of "special" plans for your birthday.
It just doesn't seem reasonable that I must go along with things and be anxious and stressed about my own birthday so someone else can feel good about throwing a party.
If your people are truly insisting that there must be a party of some specific type that isn't even your cup of tea, then there's probably something else behind it. Not necessarily something sinister, just some sort of other motivation (that might be subconscious, or just unexamined baggage).
Examples I've seen in the wild: A partner who feels that they'll look bad/cheap/weird if their household doesn't host a party since they've been invited to others' events. Or friends who are actually concerned about the birthday-person's mental health and want to make sure that they're not withdrawing. Or someone who is really attached to the idea of communicating their affection through showy public demonstration. And yes, there ARE actually who demur yet secretly want a party.
posted by desuetude at 10:10 AM on June 22, 2021
Many party-insister types will be satisfied if you just have SOME kind of "special" plans for your birthday.
It just doesn't seem reasonable that I must go along with things and be anxious and stressed about my own birthday so someone else can feel good about throwing a party.
If your people are truly insisting that there must be a party of some specific type that isn't even your cup of tea, then there's probably something else behind it. Not necessarily something sinister, just some sort of other motivation (that might be subconscious, or just unexamined baggage).
Examples I've seen in the wild: A partner who feels that they'll look bad/cheap/weird if their household doesn't host a party since they've been invited to others' events. Or friends who are actually concerned about the birthday-person's mental health and want to make sure that they're not withdrawing. Or someone who is really attached to the idea of communicating their affection through showy public demonstration. And yes, there ARE actually who demur yet secretly want a party.
posted by desuetude at 10:10 AM on June 22, 2021
Contact 2 or 3 key friends. Hi Friend, listen, I really don't enjoy birthday parties on my behalf. I just don't. And I'm being really pressured to have one. Would you help me put out this smoldering fire? Thank you so much, I hate to be ungracious, but I really feel uncomfortable with this stuff.
If you like a very low key celebration, ask those 2 or 3 friends to go out to dinner/ drinks/ movie and emphasize that this is not an opportunity to invite others. Your offer to have people over is quite generous. Call it an unbirthday, have unbirthday pies.
posted by theora55 at 10:40 AM on June 22, 2021
If you like a very low key celebration, ask those 2 or 3 friends to go out to dinner/ drinks/ movie and emphasize that this is not an opportunity to invite others. Your offer to have people over is quite generous. Call it an unbirthday, have unbirthday pies.
posted by theora55 at 10:40 AM on June 22, 2021
It sounds like you've found a take on the situation that works for you, but the key thing to do if you find yourself having to do this again is to have a serious conversation with your closest friend (or two) about why you don't like them. That person(s) will naturally be invited into the organizing group, and they can explain your wishes on your behalf, which allows you to dodge the problem of being perceived as just being modest/not wanting to make trouble.
posted by praemunire at 11:18 AM on June 22, 2021
posted by praemunire at 11:18 AM on June 22, 2021
I've said things like "lets have a group celebration for all the parties we missed"
So you literally said "lets have a party".
You need to let people know you have changed your mind about having a BIRTHDAY party. Stop with the hints. You are not good at hints. It is necessary for you to be very direct.
If other people are already far along on planning a "group celebration for all the parties we missed" (I'm imagining this as having 30 or more people and being planned for somewhere other than your home) and it happens to fall on your birthday, I think you need to just step away and let them keep on with having their celebrate what we missed last year thing. I would tell them you don't want it to be about you, you don't want it to be about you when so many people missed out on so much last year. Then you don't have to go, it's not your birthday party. Let people have their fun. Maybe tell them you have decided to celebrate your birthday a week later. And yes, they will think you are kind of jerk for not letting them know before they got however far along with the planning that you didn't want a party. It is a jerk thing to go along with forming plans you have no intention of following through on. That's OK, they will get over it and enjoy their party.
Now, if this so-called group celebration is in actuality just a couple of friends getting together to celebrate your birthday, you need to address it differently. If you yourself have invited people (which, if you addressed your friends as a group and said "lets have a group celebration, yes, you have invited people), you need to contact them individually and tell them you have decided you aren't having a party. Otherwise you will need to talk to whoever has invited them and let them know you have decided to do something else for your birthday and they will have to cancel the party.
If you are faced with someone who is truly insistent, and you are worried that they will throw you a surprise party even if they "agree" to cancel, this is what you will need to do: Come up with a plausible yet vague plan for what you will be doing for your birthday by yourself. Maybe you have decided to spend the day in contemplation of the past year and your plans for the upcoming year, some kind of personal growth type thing. And you are going to do this by going for a hike or walking around the city or some other thing that is an activity you can do at an unspecified location. Somewhere that people can't find you and give you a surprise party. Once you have told people this plan, then you can safely stay home with the blinds closed and read or whatever. Don't answer the door. Hopefully your pushy friends don't have a key.
If you live with the people who want to throw you a party and they are sufficiently determined, there's pretty much no way you can stop people from throwing a party in their own home. Get an AirBnB.
In the future, you need to say "I don't like birthday parties and have absolutely no interest in having one" as soon as this comes up.
posted by yohko at 12:05 PM on June 22, 2021
So you literally said "lets have a party".
You need to let people know you have changed your mind about having a BIRTHDAY party. Stop with the hints. You are not good at hints. It is necessary for you to be very direct.
If other people are already far along on planning a "group celebration for all the parties we missed" (I'm imagining this as having 30 or more people and being planned for somewhere other than your home) and it happens to fall on your birthday, I think you need to just step away and let them keep on with having their celebrate what we missed last year thing. I would tell them you don't want it to be about you, you don't want it to be about you when so many people missed out on so much last year. Then you don't have to go, it's not your birthday party. Let people have their fun. Maybe tell them you have decided to celebrate your birthday a week later. And yes, they will think you are kind of jerk for not letting them know before they got however far along with the planning that you didn't want a party. It is a jerk thing to go along with forming plans you have no intention of following through on. That's OK, they will get over it and enjoy their party.
Now, if this so-called group celebration is in actuality just a couple of friends getting together to celebrate your birthday, you need to address it differently. If you yourself have invited people (which, if you addressed your friends as a group and said "lets have a group celebration, yes, you have invited people), you need to contact them individually and tell them you have decided you aren't having a party. Otherwise you will need to talk to whoever has invited them and let them know you have decided to do something else for your birthday and they will have to cancel the party.
If you are faced with someone who is truly insistent, and you are worried that they will throw you a surprise party even if they "agree" to cancel, this is what you will need to do: Come up with a plausible yet vague plan for what you will be doing for your birthday by yourself. Maybe you have decided to spend the day in contemplation of the past year and your plans for the upcoming year, some kind of personal growth type thing. And you are going to do this by going for a hike or walking around the city or some other thing that is an activity you can do at an unspecified location. Somewhere that people can't find you and give you a surprise party. Once you have told people this plan, then you can safely stay home with the blinds closed and read or whatever. Don't answer the door. Hopefully your pushy friends don't have a key.
If you live with the people who want to throw you a party and they are sufficiently determined, there's pretty much no way you can stop people from throwing a party in their own home. Get an AirBnB.
In the future, you need to say "I don't like birthday parties and have absolutely no interest in having one" as soon as this comes up.
posted by yohko at 12:05 PM on June 22, 2021
>I feel comfortable hosting a party at my house and if someone wants to bring a cake and say its for my birthday - whatever!
Enjoy! I love birthdays, and parties, so follow the European model and invite the people I want to see to a dinner/pool party or baseball game or whatever it is looks like fun that year. One of my buddies invites everyone to go bowling and pays for the lanes and snacks and we all individually pick up the tabs for the copious amounts of beer we drink.
Invite everyone you want to see for a celebration of all your lives and have fun. (And happy birthday!)
posted by cyndigo at 1:30 PM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
Enjoy! I love birthdays, and parties, so follow the European model and invite the people I want to see to a dinner/pool party or baseball game or whatever it is looks like fun that year. One of my buddies invites everyone to go bowling and pays for the lanes and snacks and we all individually pick up the tabs for the copious amounts of beer we drink.
Invite everyone you want to see for a celebration of all your lives and have fun. (And happy birthday!)
posted by cyndigo at 1:30 PM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
I have said, "Birthday parties stress me out. I do not like them and they are not fun for me. I like to get takeout and watch a movie in my PJs on my birthday."
Your friend wanting a party is a separate issue, and maybe that warrants you offering--in a separate conversation--"Would you like to put together a BBQ to celebrate everyone being vaccinated?" (or to celebrate summer, or Bastille Day, or whatever). But a party that happens to be around your birthday where someone brings you a birthday cake and all your friends are there is a birthday party, and doing it once is a great way to convey to your friend(s) that you don't actually dislike birthday parties.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:36 PM on June 22, 2021
Your friend wanting a party is a separate issue, and maybe that warrants you offering--in a separate conversation--"Would you like to put together a BBQ to celebrate everyone being vaccinated?" (or to celebrate summer, or Bastille Day, or whatever). But a party that happens to be around your birthday where someone brings you a birthday cake and all your friends are there is a birthday party, and doing it once is a great way to convey to your friend(s) that you don't actually dislike birthday parties.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:36 PM on June 22, 2021
Have you ever insisted on throwing someone a party? Do you feel like people "secretly" want a party even if they say they don't?
I have never done this because I do generally take people at their word about what they do and do not want. However, my answer to the second question is honestly, "maybe sometimes." Not specifically with a party, but I have some friends who have SO MUCH TROUBLE letting people do nice things for them, even when we both know they would enjoy those nice things.
With those friends I can't just say "do you want a ride to the doctor's appointment?" or "Can I make you dinner next week?" I have to say "Can I take you to the doctor's appointment?" and then when they inevitably say "don't worry about it" I say "no, I want to do this, and it'll be a good chance for us to catch up on the ride over. If it's more convenient/comfortable for you to go on your own, we can catch up another time." It's pushy, but in a loving way with an easy out, and friends tend to appreciate it, I think.
But the difference is that I always give that out, and it doesn't sound like your friends are doing that, or even responding to the out you've given them! So I think the best bet is to take the advice given by other commenters, and tell them that you really will not enjoy this and that you've made other plans.
posted by lunasol at 2:20 PM on June 22, 2021
I have never done this because I do generally take people at their word about what they do and do not want. However, my answer to the second question is honestly, "maybe sometimes." Not specifically with a party, but I have some friends who have SO MUCH TROUBLE letting people do nice things for them, even when we both know they would enjoy those nice things.
With those friends I can't just say "do you want a ride to the doctor's appointment?" or "Can I make you dinner next week?" I have to say "Can I take you to the doctor's appointment?" and then when they inevitably say "don't worry about it" I say "no, I want to do this, and it'll be a good chance for us to catch up on the ride over. If it's more convenient/comfortable for you to go on your own, we can catch up another time." It's pushy, but in a loving way with an easy out, and friends tend to appreciate it, I think.
But the difference is that I always give that out, and it doesn't sound like your friends are doing that, or even responding to the out you've given them! So I think the best bet is to take the advice given by other commenters, and tell them that you really will not enjoy this and that you've made other plans.
posted by lunasol at 2:20 PM on June 22, 2021
I am glad you found a thing you feel will work. I am one of those people who enjoys events but very much dislikes being the center of attention or managing gifts (you say no gifts, they bring them! AAAAAA) or otherwise having to care about other people's feelings on my special day. And I know that is a weird fussy way to look at it, but I look at my birthday as the one day that I, an inveterate pleaser who always wants to make sure other people are comfortable and happy and doing okay, gets to kind of do my thing, go to my restaurant, do MY things with the specific people I choose (usually my partner and my sister, sometimes just myself).
Parties can often be about either "the group" or other people wanting me to have some certain reaction and, as a person who is often confused, I like to not feel like I need to be any special way. Or maybe I wake up and I just want to watch movies all day, etc. So my compromise is usually a low key hang at a coffee shop or causal restaurant or something else where people can come by, buy me cookies and we can all hang out but not a "party" thing. And for people who are busy on that day, I ask them to send me postcards or something else that is just simple friendly, not a commitment and not something I need to send a thank you card for.
Your birthday should not stress you out! But f you like your friends and you think they are on your team, try to find a way to be you, and have a birthday thing, and make it the way you want to. Good luck and happy birthday.
posted by jessamyn at 5:56 PM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
Parties can often be about either "the group" or other people wanting me to have some certain reaction and, as a person who is often confused, I like to not feel like I need to be any special way. Or maybe I wake up and I just want to watch movies all day, etc. So my compromise is usually a low key hang at a coffee shop or causal restaurant or something else where people can come by, buy me cookies and we can all hang out but not a "party" thing. And for people who are busy on that day, I ask them to send me postcards or something else that is just simple friendly, not a commitment and not something I need to send a thank you card for.
Your birthday should not stress you out! But f you like your friends and you think they are on your team, try to find a way to be you, and have a birthday thing, and make it the way you want to. Good luck and happy birthday.
posted by jessamyn at 5:56 PM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
"I don't think I'm up for a party, but I'd love it if [you, me, and x, y, z etc.] could go out for dinner!"
Let them do you a favour.
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:40 PM on June 22, 2021
Let them do you a favour.
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:40 PM on June 22, 2021
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I think you have to just be really direct: it’s kind of you to want to do this for me but please don’t. I do not want a party.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:49 AM on June 22, 2021 [8 favorites]