What does one give for a ninetieth birthday?
May 12, 2021 10:09 AM Subscribe
The matriarch of the family is turning 90 shortly. The other side of the family are local and have gone the DIY route, remodelling her garden. We have to come up with something as a big gift, but she's the type to insist she doesn't need or want anything, will be gone soon, etc, etc.
What did you give the nonagenerian in your life for the big ninety?
She lives alone with family meal deliveries and some help with chores. Pre-Covid she was very active, walking 3km+ every day, but lockdown hit her hard, as did several deaths of close peers and family members of her generation, so she's only now slowly picking up activity again, and clearly doesn't have her previous stamina, but on the other hand she's now fully vaccinated and picking up speed again.
Her Kindle's just about the limit of her digital literacy, and she only reads on it - we buy the books and email it to the Kindle. On previous big birthdays we got her cooking stuff and/or travel, but she's not up for either in a big way now, nor theatre or other outings that require long absences from the house. And she's very much at the stage of giving away her stuff, including freshly received gifts.
Complicating it, the two of us don't have a big budget just now - the equivalent of $300, I guess, not quite enough to replace a big appliance etc, but we'd also like to do more than pay for a spa day.
She lives alone with family meal deliveries and some help with chores. Pre-Covid she was very active, walking 3km+ every day, but lockdown hit her hard, as did several deaths of close peers and family members of her generation, so she's only now slowly picking up activity again, and clearly doesn't have her previous stamina, but on the other hand she's now fully vaccinated and picking up speed again.
Her Kindle's just about the limit of her digital literacy, and she only reads on it - we buy the books and email it to the Kindle. On previous big birthdays we got her cooking stuff and/or travel, but she's not up for either in a big way now, nor theatre or other outings that require long absences from the house. And she's very much at the stage of giving away her stuff, including freshly received gifts.
Complicating it, the two of us don't have a big budget just now - the equivalent of $300, I guess, not quite enough to replace a big appliance etc, but we'd also like to do more than pay for a spa day.
Older people tend to love MEMORIES. (I find myself liking them more and more as I grow older). An album or collage of family photos, perhaps?
posted by Tom-B at 10:14 AM on May 12, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by Tom-B at 10:14 AM on May 12, 2021 [8 favorites]
I was looking at StoryWorth recently as a gift for a relative of similar age.
posted by mosst at 10:20 AM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by mosst at 10:20 AM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
Perhaps a charitable donation of some kind? A donation in her name to a cause she supports, or a bench in a local park, or books for her local library?
Seconding mosst's suggestion of StoryWorth, with the caveat that it's an email based subscription: they email questions each week, the recipient answers them, and the answers are sent to anyone following the subscription. If she's not comfortable with email it might be too daunting.
posted by Janta at 10:25 AM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Seconding mosst's suggestion of StoryWorth, with the caveat that it's an email based subscription: they email questions each week, the recipient answers them, and the answers are sent to anyone following the subscription. If she's not comfortable with email it might be too daunting.
posted by Janta at 10:25 AM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
I have never done it but I like the idea of this New York Times birthday book that would print the NYT front page from all of her birthdays.
Not sure if you can be there to get something set up or if she has wifi, but what about one of those digital picture frames you can remotely send picture updates to. My MiL has an older one but I'm not sure what to recommend to buy now.
posted by carolr at 10:27 AM on May 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Not sure if you can be there to get something set up or if she has wifi, but what about one of those digital picture frames you can remotely send picture updates to. My MiL has an older one but I'm not sure what to recommend to buy now.
posted by carolr at 10:27 AM on May 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Something personal: a book or scrapbook or album that the people she loves put together for her; a video tribute from the people she loves; a song you all write and sing for her. Or whatever would be meaningful for her specifically. I don't think it has to include only your side of the family; you can be the ones driving the effort and coordinating things, but getting contributions from everyone else.
posted by trig at 10:32 AM on May 12, 2021
posted by trig at 10:32 AM on May 12, 2021
Response by poster: Not to threadsit, but she hates memories, sentimental keepsakes etc. Thinking about the past is for old people, and she's NOT OLD. (See also: refusing to see a geriatrician because those are doctors for old people.) We regularly have to remind her and/or sit on her to keep her from burning family papers and photos.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 10:39 AM on May 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by I claim sanctuary at 10:39 AM on May 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Gifts that have been big hits for my 93(?) year old (blind now) grandfather and my spouse's 95 year old grandmother:
A really soft, big blanket
This shower brush
A recorded message - best to send in a media format easily accessed
A book of stories, self-bound, that recounted each family members' favorite memory of him/her (each family member was responsible for writing their memory - I compiled)
Beloved hard-to-find snack
A heated mattress pad
Flower Delivery
Books on tape
Cleaning service
Spontaneous and random meal delivery from favorite restaurants (we did the ordering and paying)
Pretty, fake succulents (require no care, but pretty up the place)
Good luck! If you get stumped, just ask yourself, what might bring comfort? What might convey love and appreciation and respect?
posted by whimsicalnymph at 10:45 AM on May 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
A really soft, big blanket
This shower brush
A recorded message - best to send in a media format easily accessed
A book of stories, self-bound, that recounted each family members' favorite memory of him/her (each family member was responsible for writing their memory - I compiled)
Beloved hard-to-find snack
A heated mattress pad
Flower Delivery
Books on tape
Cleaning service
Spontaneous and random meal delivery from favorite restaurants (we did the ordering and paying)
Pretty, fake succulents (require no care, but pretty up the place)
Good luck! If you get stumped, just ask yourself, what might bring comfort? What might convey love and appreciation and respect?
posted by whimsicalnymph at 10:45 AM on May 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
I usually stick to consumables for this - I myself don't want a lot of crap, my mom doesn't want any more crap (with exceptions I will mention below since they might be interesting to you). I have a friend who belongs to like 20 "of the month" subscriptions - marshmallows is the newest one, international snacks, cocoas, succulents (not consumable, but you get the idea). It's something cool that comes in the mail every month.
Part of my mother's day gift to several people was a big "care package" from Amazon (there are many many configurations and pricepoints available, and obviously you could make one yourself) and my mom flipped, I had NO idea she'd love it so much. But she lives alone and has a birdy appetite and won't really buy herself a whole bag of chex mix because it'll go stale, and I know she routinely pushes herself too hard and then gets hangry and doesn't have quick snacks at hand. Turns out my mother loves Airheads, which we never would have known if I hadn't sent the package. And she has a couple of friends who come over, she can offer them a snack (my mother will 100% put a package of goldfish in a little crystal bowl) of their choice. She was absolutely delighted, and I will send her more on a regular basis.
In my mom's case, she lives somewhere with challenging hot weather and natural-disaster-related power outages, so I've gotten her some (easy to operate) comfort-tech like a rechargeable fan with a substantial battery bank that will run for several days on Low - something she can carry around the house and yard with her when she's doing her chores and projects. Last year I sent her an apron with a shitload of pockets because she's got arthritis in her hands and can't carry a ton of stuff from one room to another, plus I'm encouraging her to keep her phone ON her body whenever she's doing stuff alone that's a fall risk. (That thing is ugly, I suspect you could find better that still has a tactical number of pockets, maybe on Etsy. I knew mom wouldn't mind, if it's ugly she won't care if it gets paint and stuff on it.)
She's got a generator but I'm considering getting her a Jackery portable power station (which can be recharged on household A/C or in the car through the 12v lighter socket), which has a pure sine wave inverter that is safer to charge electronics on. The sub-$1500 models don't have enough wattage to run big stuff (no space heaters or heating-element appliances), but the 300 model linked will run a CPAP for at least one night, charge a phone or laptop many times, run a TV for hours, a 5w LED lamp bulb for probably days straight. It might not make any sense for your matriarch if she's not in any pressing need for portable or emergency power, and it seems impersonal as gifts go, but they're really handy in certain situations.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:45 AM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
Part of my mother's day gift to several people was a big "care package" from Amazon (there are many many configurations and pricepoints available, and obviously you could make one yourself) and my mom flipped, I had NO idea she'd love it so much. But she lives alone and has a birdy appetite and won't really buy herself a whole bag of chex mix because it'll go stale, and I know she routinely pushes herself too hard and then gets hangry and doesn't have quick snacks at hand. Turns out my mother loves Airheads, which we never would have known if I hadn't sent the package. And she has a couple of friends who come over, she can offer them a snack (my mother will 100% put a package of goldfish in a little crystal bowl) of their choice. She was absolutely delighted, and I will send her more on a regular basis.
In my mom's case, she lives somewhere with challenging hot weather and natural-disaster-related power outages, so I've gotten her some (easy to operate) comfort-tech like a rechargeable fan with a substantial battery bank that will run for several days on Low - something she can carry around the house and yard with her when she's doing her chores and projects. Last year I sent her an apron with a shitload of pockets because she's got arthritis in her hands and can't carry a ton of stuff from one room to another, plus I'm encouraging her to keep her phone ON her body whenever she's doing stuff alone that's a fall risk. (That thing is ugly, I suspect you could find better that still has a tactical number of pockets, maybe on Etsy. I knew mom wouldn't mind, if it's ugly she won't care if it gets paint and stuff on it.)
She's got a generator but I'm considering getting her a Jackery portable power station (which can be recharged on household A/C or in the car through the 12v lighter socket), which has a pure sine wave inverter that is safer to charge electronics on. The sub-$1500 models don't have enough wattage to run big stuff (no space heaters or heating-element appliances), but the 300 model linked will run a CPAP for at least one night, charge a phone or laptop many times, run a TV for hours, a 5w LED lamp bulb for probably days straight. It might not make any sense for your matriarch if she's not in any pressing need for portable or emergency power, and it seems impersonal as gifts go, but they're really handy in certain situations.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:45 AM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
She might enjoy a digital picture frame e.g. this one.
I got one for my mother (aged 93) at the beginning of lockdown. Family members send photos (it helps if there are new babies or little kids in the family so you can send new photos and not sentimental old ones) to the frame via an app. My mother is not very tech savvy but this is really easy for her to access.
posted by shibori at 11:03 AM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
I got one for my mother (aged 93) at the beginning of lockdown. Family members send photos (it helps if there are new babies or little kids in the family so you can send new photos and not sentimental old ones) to the frame via an app. My mother is not very tech savvy but this is really easy for her to access.
posted by shibori at 11:03 AM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
I suggest getting a number of thoughtful, small gifts -- favorite candy, scented soaps, really nice scented hand lotion, flowers, some family photos (even if they're old). My mom is 93 and doesn't need or want anything, so I got her some expensive facial creams that she loves but wouldn't want to spend money on.
posted by wryly at 11:12 AM on May 12, 2021
posted by wryly at 11:12 AM on May 12, 2021
I have been spending a lot of time with my 97 year old landlady this year. She is likewise mostly not sentimental, does art at home a lot. The things she likes the most seem to be
- small treats outside of the usual meal delivery and meal prep. Something that is luxurious but also small. For her it's tasty ginger candies, chocolate things, and other small baked goods. Maybe one great piece of in-season fruit. The idea of one delicious thing every week is a much better thing for her than a huge box of something that will go bad before she finishes it.
- don't know about your locations (or locations relative to one another) but if the weather is improving and also tolerable for outside, maybe a way she could be outside and enjoy her garden comfortably, whether that's a nice zero-g reclining chair with sunshade, or a screened in little gazebo thing or even just screen doors on her house. Those have all been popular here. Also if she has friends who can visit maybe something that would more easily allow her to host them (chairs, something)
- same, with the kindle. Might it be time for one with a bigger screen, or possibly an older iPad with the kindle app on it? You'd know if this was her thing but I get the feeling my landlady enjoys having a thing to kind of noodle on, watch videos, read the news. Along these lines: a bigger, easier television if that is a thing she enjoys.
- I assume her walks are solo, does she like to listen to music or other things generally? She might like something she could listen to on these walks, or possibly not.
Honestly the thing my landlady seems to like the most are short project-focused visits. Come over, chat for a bit, help her fill a bird feeder or hang a painting, chat, have a snack, get out.
posted by jessamyn at 11:25 AM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
- small treats outside of the usual meal delivery and meal prep. Something that is luxurious but also small. For her it's tasty ginger candies, chocolate things, and other small baked goods. Maybe one great piece of in-season fruit. The idea of one delicious thing every week is a much better thing for her than a huge box of something that will go bad before she finishes it.
- don't know about your locations (or locations relative to one another) but if the weather is improving and also tolerable for outside, maybe a way she could be outside and enjoy her garden comfortably, whether that's a nice zero-g reclining chair with sunshade, or a screened in little gazebo thing or even just screen doors on her house. Those have all been popular here. Also if she has friends who can visit maybe something that would more easily allow her to host them (chairs, something)
- same, with the kindle. Might it be time for one with a bigger screen, or possibly an older iPad with the kindle app on it? You'd know if this was her thing but I get the feeling my landlady enjoys having a thing to kind of noodle on, watch videos, read the news. Along these lines: a bigger, easier television if that is a thing she enjoys.
- I assume her walks are solo, does she like to listen to music or other things generally? She might like something she could listen to on these walks, or possibly not.
Honestly the thing my landlady seems to like the most are short project-focused visits. Come over, chat for a bit, help her fill a bird feeder or hang a painting, chat, have a snack, get out.
posted by jessamyn at 11:25 AM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
This is ‘stuff’ but does she have a comfortable chair (that she can get in and out of unassisted) and an umbrella (with crank) to enjoy her newly remodelled garden?
posted by Juniper Toast at 11:36 AM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Juniper Toast at 11:36 AM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
A caution about flowers. I got a LOT of flowers after I was hospitalized, and though I appreciated them, I was weak enough that dealing with picking up fallen petals, throwing them out after they died, and cleaning out the vases was kind of overwhelming. And I say this as someone who normally loves getting flowers. Snacks might be better, since they will just sit there until you want to deal with them.
I wonder if she'd like binoculars. I just got some new ones, and I'm really loving looking at birds and bunnies even just out the window. I got compact ones that are a bit out of your budget, but if they're light enough, they could be easy for her to manage if she starts walking much again.
posted by FencingGal at 11:42 AM on May 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
I wonder if she'd like binoculars. I just got some new ones, and I'm really loving looking at birds and bunnies even just out the window. I got compact ones that are a bit out of your budget, but if they're light enough, they could be easy for her to manage if she starts walking much again.
posted by FencingGal at 11:42 AM on May 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
We recently got my dad and my MIL (both in their 80's) Nixplay digital photo frames and they've enjoyed them. You say she doesn't like memories or old family photos, but would she enjoy seeing new photos showing what family members are up to right this minute? And having them magically appear on a digital display in her house so she can potentially see new photos any time she walks by and looks at it? Multiple people can add photos to the frame remotely, using web page, app, or email and it can be set to randomly shuffle through them. We set the frames up ourselves before mailing them to minimize the technological challenge.
posted by Redstart at 12:20 PM on May 12, 2021
posted by Redstart at 12:20 PM on May 12, 2021
In the pre-covid era, my grandpa got a surprise birthday party for his 90th birthday, complete with a visit from his two remaining sisters. It went over quite well. Online get-together with all remaining loved ones?
posted by aniola at 12:44 PM on May 12, 2021
posted by aniola at 12:44 PM on May 12, 2021
If she got outside help during COVID, could you buy up some gift cards and then do a project with her to spread joy by giving them away (visiting nurse, UPS guy, doctor's office, etc., etc.) with nice thank-you cards? many people find it to be a lot of fun to be a "fairy godmother."
If not, what about buying a Little Free Library and setting it up somewhere else -- then filling it with books she is ready to give away? That doesn't burden her with A New Thing, and in fact is a conduit for getting rid fo unwanted things. And if you put it outside a school or senior center or something, it'll benefit other people.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:46 PM on May 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
If not, what about buying a Little Free Library and setting it up somewhere else -- then filling it with books she is ready to give away? That doesn't burden her with A New Thing, and in fact is a conduit for getting rid fo unwanted things. And if you put it outside a school or senior center or something, it'll benefit other people.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:46 PM on May 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
I would agree with the consumables suggestion. Something like a basket filled with really nice versions of foods/drinks that she likes. Could be wine, cheeses, nice jams or spreads, chocolates, etc.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:11 PM on May 12, 2021
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:11 PM on May 12, 2021
On previous big birthdays we got her cooking stuff and/or travel, but she's not up for either in a big way now, nor theatre or other outings that require long absences from the house.
Where you are, would $300 pay for a live event (short recital?) in the new garden?
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:22 PM on May 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
Where you are, would $300 pay for a live event (short recital?) in the new garden?
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:22 PM on May 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
My elderly mother-in-law loved a towel warmer that we gave her. Getting out of a shower and having a toasty towel is the bomb.
posted by SLC Mom at 1:44 PM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by SLC Mom at 1:44 PM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
When my father turned 90 we threw a party at his favorite restaurant - private room, some special family members flew in for the occasion. That's harder now obviously. I think all the ideas of non-perishable lovely things - nice tea, candies, bath soaps are not bad if she likes that kind of thing (one family member died with a closet full because she wasn't into that stuff and everyone kept sending it. A lovely soft throw, nice soft socks, deliveries of favorite treats in small quantities over time might be good too.
posted by leslies at 1:46 PM on May 12, 2021
posted by leslies at 1:46 PM on May 12, 2021
Or a Nixplay electronic picture frame that everyone can push photos onto remotely. Great way to stay in touch.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:08 PM on May 12, 2021
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:08 PM on May 12, 2021
I love food. If I were 90 (or my current age) I'd love to receive some outrageous dessert and/or Chicago pizza from Goldbelly.
posted by gatorae at 6:24 PM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by gatorae at 6:24 PM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Seconding the frame that the family can send pictures to remotely. If there is wifi, the frame will be able to update manually; otherwise, a family member can attach the frame to their hotspot to update any emailed pictures from the family when they visit. Pretty seamless.
Pictures can keep her up to date with all activities, everyone's gardens, what's for dinner, anything.
posted by RoadScholar at 7:44 PM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Pictures can keep her up to date with all activities, everyone's gardens, what's for dinner, anything.
posted by RoadScholar at 7:44 PM on May 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
For my grandmother’s 90th I got in touch with the local council and asked if they would gazette the next new street in town to be named after her. I listed off her contributions to our area such as: president of the local Historical Society, activist for a new museum that was eventually built, President of the local CWA and Red Cross for over fifty years, leader in the local Catholic parish and organiser of its numerous charity drives, and a white pioneer farmer along side her husband. She helped build the town’s post colonial narrative and, like many women, had received no community acknowledgments of a lifetime of community service.
YMMV but she was delighted.
posted by honey-barbara at 10:53 PM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
YMMV but she was delighted.
posted by honey-barbara at 10:53 PM on May 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
Complicating it, the two of us don't have a big budget just now - the equivalent of $300...
Does she appreciate fine wines or whiskies? $300 (less, actually) will buy a very nice bottle of wine, or a dandy single-malt.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:13 AM on May 13, 2021
Does she appreciate fine wines or whiskies? $300 (less, actually) will buy a very nice bottle of wine, or a dandy single-malt.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:13 AM on May 13, 2021
If you do go for a snack thing, I recently did Universal Yums for a few folks, and all three of the people over 80 really loved it. (I did a month-to-month subscription, not the "give as a gift" option, so I could do it for however many months I felt like doing it.) The small version is probably plenty for a single person, unless she REALLY loves snacks.
posted by kristi at 10:54 AM on May 13, 2021
posted by kristi at 10:54 AM on May 13, 2021
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posted by warriorqueen at 10:13 AM on May 12, 2021 [11 favorites]