Which is ruder?

May 5, 2021 4:29 AM

Would it be ruder to ignore a wedding invite or RSVP not attending?

Let me be clear. I am looking to send my brother a giant FU to his wedding invite. Long story shortened, I am mostly estranged from my homophobic family. My brother in particular has erased my husband over the past 30 years. I make no outreach to my family, and when they do on a random occasion (like sending me a birthday text) I ignore the communication. The only reason I haven't blocked them is because I want to know when they die so I can dance.

My brother is getting married and sent me (not me and my husband) a save the date card. I threw it away but I expect an invitation will come soon. I want to send the message that he can go take 700 flying fucks and then keep on flying until there are no more fucks left to fly -- without having to have any actual contact. This goes deeper than just family drama. He has systematically erased my husband from the moment he met him 30 years ago and I am appalled that he would even think that I would want to celebrate his marriage, but that's a whole other post!

So would the ruder thing be to just throw it away, or RSVP back not attending?

posted by archimago to Human Relations (65 answers total)

I mean, you could literally write "FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUUU" on the RSVP card. That would send a very clear message.

But if you want to stay no-contact, just don't reply.

Also it's probably not even your brother who's going to see this, it will be his future wife.
posted by mskyle at 4:34 AM on May 5, 2021 [41 favorites]

Of simply returning the RSVP marked not attending or ignoring it, ignoring it is technically ruder. Which would offend your brother more is a slightly different question.

Maybe return the unopened envelope to sender - delivery refused?
posted by the primroses were over at 4:38 AM on May 5, 2021 [47 favorites]

It's way ruder to just not respond. Sounds like the biggest problem with that is that he may then assume you didn't receive it (or decide to pretend he assumes that) and keep reaching out.

No I would quite simply RSVP no. No note or explanation. Just no.
posted by 256 at 4:39 AM on May 5, 2021 [6 favorites]

Send the RSVP card back marked “not attending” AND POUR LOTS OF GLITTER INTO THE ENVELOPE. (If it’s a postcard, maybe you can use your own envelope?)
posted by needs more cowbell at 4:41 AM on May 5, 2021 [82 favorites]

We personally emailed/called everyone who didn’t RSVP and had last minute question marks with seating and name cards that stressed me out. People that RSVP’ed but didn’t come cost me money (because we couldn’t change the catering numbers at that point) but no stress beyond “oh that’s too bad.”. So take your pick between money and stress and desire to be contacted because your card might have been lost.
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:41 AM on May 5, 2021 [8 favorites]

Ignoring it will probably prompt further communication as he tries to figure out if he needs to buy a meal for you, factor you into the seating plans etc. I would say maximum rudeness would be to RSVP yes and then don’t show. Wastes his money and lets an empty seat speak for you.
posted by corvine at 4:42 AM on May 5, 2021 [12 favorites]

Decline and donate to an LGBT charity in his name
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 4:45 AM on May 5, 2021 [27 favorites]

For maximum wedding fuck-you, reply saying you AND your husband are coming and then never show up or respond to any further contact. Let them worry you'll actually both show up.

Answering the actual question: Not replying is ruder because it messes with the confirmed attending/ declined numbers. But it will be way more likely to prompt a follow up, so return the envelope with a big NOPE is probably the more prudent, no-contact-maintaining move.
posted by stillnocturnal at 4:46 AM on May 5, 2021 [41 favorites]

The rudest thing could do would be to say you ARE attending. Along with your husband. They haven’t heard from you in years; they’re not expecting you to go. And your partner is definitely not invited so bringing him yourself is incredibly rude. Your brother has extended a courtesy invitation or maybe one to make a point that at least they’re making an effort and you’re rejecting them. So, the thing that would panic your brother the most is if he thought you and your husband were actually going and he’d have to actually deal with you. Cue meltdown.

Now I’m not saying to go. I’m simply giving the answer about what would be the rudest response and cause the most drama, I definitely don’t think you should do it! I like imagining the reaction though.

Don’t respond. Donate to a charity in his name as already suggested.
posted by Jubey at 4:48 AM on May 5, 2021 [50 favorites]

Interesting question! I would say:

No response - it is fairly rude but also leaves the possibility that you didn’t receive the invitation which is not rude at all. Probably maximum inconvenience though.

RSVP - could be very polite to very rude, I think, it depends how you do it - if you reply with a note that leaves no doubt as to your feelings on this?

If you want to go for broke, what if you wound him up a little first by asking if your husband is invited? Or thank him for inviting you and your husband? Just to make him squirm a little bit. Then when he says ‘but i didn’t invite both of you’ or whatever, you can blast him to smithereens.

Or, what about sending an RSVP to decline but accompanied with an FU kind of gift?
posted by ElasticParrot at 4:53 AM on May 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

Dan Savage often recommends giving a broken toaster with the wrong receipt in these situations, to build on ElasticParrot's gift idea.
posted by chiefthe at 4:55 AM on May 5, 2021 [17 favorites]

Anything that prompts a possible response from him (for instance, ignoring or telling him you're coming and bringing your husband) seems like it will be unpleasant for you. I favor something like, "My husband and I will not be attending. In lieu of a gift, we have made a donation to [LGBTQ charity of your choice] in your name." A generous portion of rainbow glitter in the envelope is optional but delightfully petty.
posted by ourobouros at 5:00 AM on May 5, 2021 [103 favorites]

I recently read Dan Savage suggest for a homophobe wedding: send your regrets, and a broken toaster, with the wrong receipt.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:05 AM on May 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

The rudest response is to RSVP that you're attending (with your husband) and then don't show up.
posted by saladin at 5:16 AM on May 5, 2021 [4 favorites]

Many people don't rsvp because they were raised by bears, and they expect you to chase them down for an answer. The bride, who will most likely be dealing with this, may not realise it's a deliberate snub rather than you being a slob.

I'd decline without explanation.

I mean, the rudest thing would be to reply that you and your husband are coming and you're bringing eight friends, three of which are vegan and one who's gluten intolerant, please adjust menu accordingly. And then just no-show.
But since you want no contact - that's a bad idea.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:17 AM on May 5, 2021 [7 favorites]

I assume you give no fucks what your horrendous brother's soon to be wife thinks. (She chose him and choices have consequences.)

Balancing the least stress and contact for you against the most stress and contact for them, I would ignore the invitation and any subsequent attempts to elicit an RSVP from you.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:26 AM on May 5, 2021 [2 favorites]

RSVP no for both you and your husband with a note to only the bride saying that you're sure your brother forgot to tell her that you're happily married, and you hope he's more respectful to his own marriage?
posted by notjustthefish at 5:27 AM on May 5, 2021 [45 favorites]

I agree with ourobouros that if staying no contact is important to you, rsvp’ing no and telling him about your donation to an lgbt cause that would be abhorrent to him is the best option. You don’t want to allow him righteous feeling at your expense - an openly rude fuck you gives him a chance to feel like the wronged party and as others have mentioned drags his fiancee into the middle of your relationship with him. But it does give you a chance to say openly that you disdain him and are putting your energy into your own community.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 5:48 AM on May 5, 2021 [17 favorites]

I also am estranged from my sibs. My advice: Don't let them take up any space in your head. Just ignore the invite. Set up google alerts so you can monitor to see when they die, then block them on all social stuff. Don't waste another second on them.
posted by james33 at 5:50 AM on May 5, 2021 [4 favorites]

To be fairrrr, the mostest rudest thing would be to show up and make a huuuuuge scene... But that hurts you, and the new wife, and of course all the guests -- most of whom probably are not the intolerant assholes who hurt you.

Just RSVP -- maybe with the note "you know why" -- and be done with them.
posted by wenestvedt at 5:54 AM on May 5, 2021 [1 favorite]

I would cross out the "regrets" portion of the RSVP card (because you don't regret anything!) and send it back. Ideally with a glitter bomb.
posted by basalganglia at 5:55 AM on May 5, 2021 [5 favorites]

It took me a hefty amount of therapy to come to come to the understanding of the power we hold in intentionally avoiding any contact with the people who provoke us in our lives. My vote is to let the void of absolutely no response speak whatever volumes your brother wants to imagine.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:00 AM on May 5, 2021 [14 favorites]

I, too, vote for informing your brother of a donation in his name to an LGBT charity, paired with either a "NO" rsvp if you are excessively mature or a "YES, WITH MY HUSBAND, PS: THESE ARE THE DRESSES WE PLAN TO WEAR, HOPE THAT WORKS WITH YOUR THEME [attach pics of both yourselves in your best drag]" for max lulz.
posted by MiraK at 6:07 AM on May 5, 2021 [6 favorites]

I love all the glitter-bomb and/or deceptive reply ideas, but in my experience in not allowing familial fuckwits to taint one's life: just do not respond. Spend that energy on something that makes you and your husband happy.

Maybe mark the date and do something that would shit your brother. Or, imho better: don't. Just go about your life.
posted by pompomtom at 6:10 AM on May 5, 2021 [5 favorites]

In theory, this would be peak rudeness: reply saying you AND your husband are coming and then never show up or respond to any further contact. Let them worry you'll actually both show up.

In practice, of the two choices you present, I am in favor of declining, potentially with the added note about donating to a LGBTQ cause in their names. Not responding is arguably a bit ruder, but then opens you up to a series of further communications that would just be new opportunities for stress and bother.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:24 AM on May 5, 2021 [6 favorites]

You’re already doing the biggest FU imaginable by living a happy married life with your husband and prioritizing that life, happiness and marriage over your family. IMO the best thing to do if you get an invitation would be to treat it just as you would any invitation you might receive to a wedding you aren’t going to attend: RSVP “not attending” and make it clear that the decline is on behalf of both you and your husband (usually there is a line where you write your name(s) but if your name is prepopulated you can write in his). You might, as you might with an invitation from a friend, include one of those “happy couple” pictures that some people like to use in lieu of a holiday card with something like “good luck from the archimago family” written on it. Being the “bigger person” here is likely to send the clearest message and give you the most satisfaction. All these other things are just going to make him think, “archimago is an asshole.”
posted by slkinsey at 6:29 AM on May 5, 2021 [50 favorites]

Let go of your anger. It hurts you more than it hurts them.

You do not need to let go of your anger, forgive anyone, or forget anything.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:50 AM on May 5, 2021 [48 favorites]

I think not responding is the way to go. Your brother is not worth any effort, none. I'm so sorry you have idiots for family.
posted by theora55 at 6:55 AM on May 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

Oh the glitter in the No envelope is so very delightful though. Like you're singing it, NOOOOOOOOOO!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:56 AM on May 5, 2021 [4 favorites]

You do say in the question that you are “mostly estranged” from the family - is there anyone who may be attending - including extended family or mutual acquaintances - that you still respect / talk to? Or do you really mean all the family? I only ask as being overly rude may spill over to other relationships there if a consideration in any way (doesn’t sound like it is but…)

Like others above I’d simply respond that you and your partner are not attending - without any explanation or best wishes, add the donation to an LGBTQ charity and leave it there. I’d get your RSVP to arrive shortly after the date they requested a response by. Send it registered mail, signature required, to make sure they get the message (on multiple levels). Bonus - once you get notification it was signed for you will know the message has been delivered - open a bottle of your favorite drink - and celebrate moving on.

If there is literally no one you can conceive of going to the wedding that you care for at all, then I’m sure there are lots of chaotic things you could do (world’s worst Gorilla-gram delivering your RSVP “no” - but importantly not having the Gorilla-gram say who they are saying “No” from or having it delivered the day of the wedding comes to mind etc). In other news you’ll be surprised how cheap it is to rent a giant digital billboard sign in many cities - maybe one where you brother lives…….just saying.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 6:57 AM on May 5, 2021 [4 favorites]

Politely decline, explaining you have a prior commitment. To your partner.
posted by sjswitzer at 7:04 AM on May 5, 2021 [4 favorites]

His future wife will get this, and she had nothing to do with your estrangement from your brother. If you are at least polite to her in your response, she may become an ally (distant and without direct communication with you, perhaps) who will be a continued thorn in your brother's side as the years go by. Responding with rude hostility, no matter how despicably your brother has treated you, will guarantee she will support his position. Because it's then not about you, your husband and your LGBTQ-ness, but about how rude you were when they attempted to include you. For all you know your brother could have been against inviting you, and she insisted on taking your part in support of you, and hopes for a thaw.

I perceive that this invitation has unleashed a whole world of anger and hurt, but people can change, and mainstream society's opinion of LGBTQ people have changed incredibly in the past 3 decades. Your brother's future wife may hold opposite views than your brother, but being deliberately rude and vindictive will not advance your cause to be seen as unfairly maligned and estranged. I know this is really hard, and I don't know if I could do this, but I think it would be more healing for you if you could. Not to say you should attend - not saying that at all. Just polite, or at least not hostile when you decline. And if you force her to call you because you never reply she will have the upper hand because you have rudely not replied. And she might catch you off guard and unprepared to talk.

I think the glitter is brilliant and can be received as celebratory, gay, FU, or other possibilities. I like that is is an ambiguous, memorable gesture. Best of luck to you as you navigate this painful time.
posted by citygirl at 7:07 AM on May 5, 2021 [35 favorites]

It’s been 30 years...that’s a lot of buildup. RSVP that you are not attending. If you ship anything, send to family-by-name, unless you know the new spouse-to-be. If it can’t get better, you know these people way better than me.
posted by childofTethys at 7:10 AM on May 5, 2021

"Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."
posted by johngoren at 7:18 AM on May 5, 2021 [11 favorites]

I would RSVP, sending regrets on behalf of both you AND your husband. Observe the social niceties that they have failed to observe, not to be the bigger person, but as a rebuke to their rudeness.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:22 AM on May 5, 2021 [12 favorites]

Always be the better person. RSVP a simple "not attending" and mail it back. Nothing else needed.
(And just maybe the bride to be is a good person who is trying to mend the family and who may not know the whole story)
posted by maxg94 at 7:22 AM on May 5, 2021 [8 favorites]

Sending a response that says something like, "you must be joking," will get the point across and is the least likely to result in further contact. Though, I love both the glitter bomb idea and RSVPing yes and then not showing up. Someone did the latter at my wedding - for very different reasons that I think had to do with a cultural difference: she saw it as expressing enthusiasm for a wedding in a distant country that she probably assumed we knew wasn't really going to happen - it was annoying as hell.

(If you really want to be mean and then deal with the phone calls, you can get manure delivered for $0.1/lb. I don't think that's a good idea. But, it's fun to think about.)

Best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 7:32 AM on May 5, 2021

Please assume that his future wife is the one handling the invites and RSVPs with the information she was given by him.

The rudest reply I got was from a cousin who didn't invite me to her wedding crossing out the name and correcting the spelling. It offended me because she KNOWS how much work it is to do a wedding invite list, knows that I did not intentionally misspell her name (by a vowel), and I have let this slide on numerous occasions.

So send the RSVP, add your husband's name, and check "no". This WILL spark a conversation between your brother and his future wife and cause him the stress of him having to think about you and your husband.

I would also wholeheartedly support a note within the RSVP that in lieu of a gift you have made a charitable contribution to [abhorrent] charity in his & future wife's name.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:32 AM on May 5, 2021 [14 favorites]

How's this for rude: send his fiancee only an invite to your vow renewal on the same day.
posted by muddgirl at 7:55 AM on May 5, 2021 [7 favorites]

This is bullshit game playing. Don’t buy into it. You’re no contact right? Throw it in the trash. Get on with your life. There is no value to rudeness. It just escalates and you have better things to do.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 8:36 AM on May 5, 2021 [4 favorites]

I understand that you are angry at your family and that you want to communicate that anger. The thing about weddings, though, is that they involve so many people, and, therefore, many bystanders will be impacted by whatever rudeness you are trying to direct to your brother. In other words, in the context of a wedding, there is really not a good way to be rude to your brother without hurting others.

Also, if you do not RSVP, some friend or family member of the bride or the bride herself is going to be tasked with tracking you down and determining whether you will be attending. If you want to move on from this as quickly as possible, just RSVP no.
posted by ASlackerPestersMums at 8:47 AM on May 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

how's this...
RSVP
Yes! Archimago and Archimago Husband will GLADLY attend!
posted by calgirl at 9:00 AM on May 5, 2021

I am a veteran of the family estrangement wars and I think the best thing for your mental equanimity is to just ignore it. Don’t engage with these people at all. Nothing good will come of it, you will just be rehydrating this dried-up old grievance. Bonus, it’s also the most insulting option within the bounds of propriety, which for me is always the most satisfying way to insult.
posted by HotToddy at 9:17 AM on May 5, 2021 [1 favorite]

I've favorited a couple of answers that suggest declining and referring to his lack of respect for your own marriage. You're not coming because your spouse was not invited. Is that rude? Some people say that pointing out other people's rudeness is rude in itself. But it is totally appropriate here.
posted by BibiRose at 9:51 AM on May 5, 2021 [1 favorite]

In the absence of this possible invite, would you contact him or say anything to him? I think the answer is no. Then, do nothing different. Just write on the invite envelope, "Return to Sender" and stick it in the mailbox.

That is neither an RSVP or a non response. The "happy couple" will get the message.
posted by AugustWest at 10:14 AM on May 5, 2021 [4 favorites]

Also a veteran of long-term familial estrangement and think it is unlikely that a response or lack of one will actually matter or have an impact, and I wouldn't bother wasting the brain space on this at all.

Also, I admit that I know and care not much about wedding invitation etiquette so probably this is a bigger deal than I realize -- but "no as a reponse" vs "no response" seems so minor that it can't possibly be a delicious FU.
posted by sm1tten at 10:26 AM on May 5, 2021

So a toaster with both slots full of glitter is what we're thinking?
posted by Beardman at 11:03 AM on May 5, 2021 [9 favorites]

I too am No Contact with my toxic family. (I miss the cool one, but he enabled the rest, so...) I am also capable of being the pettiest bitch that has ever bitched. I absolutely, 100% understand your motivation to make this a big FU. However...

Invitations/responses are almost always handled by the bride and her mother/sisters/aunts, etc. Very rarely are men involved in this stage of the ritual. So a glitter bomb, while hysterical, isn't going to hurt your brother, it's likely to end up all over the house of someone who has never, even indirectly, harmed you...and that's not cool.

Staying no contact, when directly contacted, is difficult. When the invitation arrives, even if it is addressed only to you, respond for you AND your husband that you will be unable to attend. Do your return address with both your names.

I like the donation to an charity idea. That helps people, and tweaks the homophobes.

Don't let yourself get drawn in, after all these years, to a drama that will only be intensified by the innate drama that is a cis wedding in the 21st century.

You got this man. You're above it.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 11:18 AM on May 5, 2021 [2 favorites]

I don't know what your relationship is with your brother's fiancée, but whatever you send back may well be opened and read by her before it ever gets to your brother.

Whether or not she's homophobic, or homophobic by marital proxy, she will be if she gets a glittery dog turd or other FU from her future brother-in-law when she's expecting an RSVP. So in your shoes I think you'd do better to be the better person and not do anything that's going to blow up in the face of this woman who is, absent evidence to the contrary, an innocent bystander in the fight between you and your family.

Maybe you're figuring that she's marrying a homophobe and therefore she's as bad as him, or whatever, but you didn't mention her so I guess she wasn't part of the acts that encouraged you to estrange yourself from your family.

Just say no, maybe add a note to say it's not personal to the bride, but to the groom, and he knows why, and you wish her happiness (because you're kind to strangers). Evict your family from your head. If your new sister-in-law is a good-enough person, maybe she can help your brother not be such an asshat.
posted by Sunburnt at 11:25 AM on May 5, 2021 [7 favorites]

RSVP "no" for you and your husband, along with a note, "Pieces of shit can't legally marry in this state, and my husband and I don't attend sham weddings."

Look, YOU know better than us whether you need to stir this pot of drama. If you do? Do it in GRAND style.
posted by WaywardPlane at 12:14 PM on May 5, 2021

If he's having a catered wedding, then RSVP for 4 people. That's way ruder than not responding. And then always respond with "YES I'm coming!!!" until the actual day of the wedding. Then if he asks, "FU or "sorry we got sick!" (if you want to be sort of polite).
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:24 PM on May 5, 2021

I would think your brother has probably told his fiancé some story other than 'I am a homophobic jerk who drove away his own brother'. Not that it matters, but any negative action will likely validate his story. Does it feel too generous to send back 'not attending' with a note along the lines of 'your insistence on being not just unwelcoming but cruel toward me and the man I chose to spend my life with, not once but consistently over years, makes me wonder if this invitation is even in good faith. Of course we will not be attending' Otherwise, I think the rudest thing (based on the gentle options you gave) would be to answer that you both will be attending and then don't.
posted by InkaLomax at 12:47 PM on May 5, 2021 [13 favorites]

You have chosen to go "no contact" so stick with it - it is like completely blanking the person (persons) from your reality, which would actually be best for your peace of mind. Anger directed towards them and then expressed is giving them attention (thus, validating them as actual living people who populate your universe). Keep them out of your head, out of your universe and completely unable to affect you in any way whatsoever - do not respond.
posted by flowergrrrl at 12:59 PM on May 5, 2021 [1 favorite]

There's a good chance that the invite came from the bride because she doesn't really understand the situation and wants to smooth over family squabbles (however they were presented to her) for her big day, so I come down on the side of "RSVP "Not Attending" with a clear, succinct, and socially-unimpeachable note clarifying why not" because that has the chance to cause way more shit for your brother than any glitterbomb or fake RSVP possibly could. (If she is actually also a raging homophobe, it won't do much of anything, but none of the nasty options will, either, because as many people have pointed out, your brother isn't gonna be the one processing RSVPs.)
posted by restless_nomad at 12:59 PM on May 5, 2021 [16 favorites]

I'm with the folks saying that he's probably not even going to SEE whatever you respond with. If it were me, I'd decline saying something like 'my husband and I will not attend for reasons well-known to $BROTHER. To share your life with another person is a great joy and we hope you will be as happy as we are after $YEARS together.'
But I'm usually very 'kill them with kindness' so ymmv.
posted by ApathyGirl at 2:23 PM on May 5, 2021 [22 favorites]

I am also estranged from my sibling and my vote would be to simply mark the "no" spot on the card and dump it back in the mail with no further effort or commentary. Doing anything to show anger or emotion would only give your brother the satisfaction of knowing that you're still thinking about him and that your feelings are engaged one way or another.

Ignoring the invitation is also a viable option, but it also gives him a chance to criticize your manners to his fiancee and/or whoever else might bother to listen.

You’re already doing the biggest FU imaginable by living a happy married life with your husband and prioritizing that life, happiness and marriage over your family.

This. A million times over. Living well is the best revenge.
posted by rpfields at 4:15 PM on May 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

I'd respond with "I will not be attending because you have not included my husband in the invitation"

Filling the envelope with rainbow glitter is optional. but fun.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:23 PM on May 5, 2021 [2 favorites]

Will you please update this post and let us know what you ended up doing? Inquiring minds want to know!
posted by hydra77 at 5:22 PM on May 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

Seems likely to me that if the fiancee is handling RSVPs, she will mention your response to your brother, especially if it is slightly surprising. I am not sure why people are so convinced that he will never hear of this. Plus she's marrying an egregious homophobe, why try to protect her? Your desire to respond in the rudest way possible gets my full support. I don't see what good it does to go high for lowlifes.

I would be inclined to write something like "You forgot to invite my husband and since you've never honored my marriage we don't plan to attend anyway."

But I agree with others that the rudest would be to RSVP yes for 2 and then no-show. The most comprehensible negative response might take a little more explaining than that.
posted by Emmy Rae at 6:38 PM on May 5, 2021 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you everyone for the variety of responses. It was actually fun reading them. I love this place.

Just to be clear, the actual invite hasn't come yet, just the save the date card, with only my name on the envelope, so the actual invite might be for both of us, or me +1 -- but that is all irrelevant.

My instinct is to ignore it and toss it in the trash. I ignore the outreaches from (most of) my family because I rationalize it as "well, now they know how it feels to be ignored" since they have literally been ignoring my husband for years -- like walking up to me to say hello and keeping their back to him level of ignoring. My life is measurably better without them even on the fringes of it.

But I also am always the bigger person, so I may just RSVP no without any explanation. I really will decide when the actual invite comes, though I am leaning toward adding it to the recycle bin.
posted by archimago at 4:35 AM on May 6, 2021 [11 favorites]

Polite response: send it back with a no and "Not without my husband" written on it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:27 AM on May 6, 2021 [2 favorites]

I would not be certain at all that the bride is aware of your marital status. My sisters and I were purposely kept in the dark about an Aunt who was a lesbian. It hurts me that I never knew about my Aunt's life. I would have liked to know/support her and her partner (I don't think they were married but I don't know). I think if you do RSVP, make certain to write your husband's name as well. That way if there is a chance the bride is a decent human being, now she knows the real situation, and she can navigate her way in her new family, behaving in a way that is true to her own beliefs. I think my Aunt may have thought I, like the rest of my family, was shunning her because she was gay, but she didn't know all the weird lies and stories we were told (the real truth came at the end of her life when she was dying and it was too late).
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:11 AM on May 6, 2021 [5 favorites]

Dear brother x, and fiancee Miss x, My beloved husband of (x) years and I, must politely decline, as we have plans to be out of the country at the time of your wedding. Best wishes, Mr. & Mr. So and so. Something like that.
posted by Oyéah at 4:39 PM on May 6, 2021 [2 favorites]

I think it depends on what you want to achieve. If you just want as little contact as possible with them, marking it no and dropping it back in the mail will require the least of you (since you won't have to field calls from a maid of honor or somebody). If you however want to make a point of no contact then responding defeats the purpose. That's really up to you.

I will say, the fiancee (who it sounds like was not around for any of the events that led to your estrangement) may well not realize that she is marrying a homophobe. If it would give you some satisfaction to image the possibility of your brother having to answer some awkward questions, I would write something like ApathyGirl suggested.
posted by joannemerriam at 2:48 PM on May 7, 2021

"To invite me to acknowledge, respect, and celebrate your marriage while not acknowledging or respecting my own husband of X years is breathtakingly rude.

May your marriage bring you a fraction of the happiness mine has brought me."
posted by trig at 1:14 AM on May 8, 2021 [5 favorites]