Delaying school for a year, what are the arguements?

April 1, 2021 6:07 AM

Following on from my last question we have decided our son would benefit by delaying school. Can you help me figure out how to articulate our reasoning.

We've gotten some feedback from my son's teacher in the last week that made it SUPER clear that delaying school is the only right thing to do. He has quite pronounced issues with coordination and balance and all the motor skill stuff. At the beginning of march we found out that it was causing problems at school. He will start OT in May. In addition to those issues I was informed (only last week!) that my son was showing no interest in being friends with the kids in his cohort and he was gravitating towards the younger kids and his behavior was immature and I guess the teachers have been trying to split the group up.

At the moment I am feeling a little uncomfortable with the way things are going because I feel like both of those issues are pretty big deals. I spoke to the teacher before Christmas and said I was thinking about holding him back and she looked like she was about to faint and said NOOOOOOOOOO. I felt very silly for even suggesting it after that and I dropped the issue. I get the impression from her that its mainly his size that is an issue, she mentions his size in most conversations and I think she is expecting more from him than he is actually capable of. Our paediatrician told us when he was about 3 that we were going to have to really protect him in situations where people treat him like he is older. It's happened before and I think its happening now.

Anyway, the main reason I am feeling uncomfortable is that I've basically found out about these issues on accident. In the first case in March I asked to speak to her about something else and suddenly she said- oh well I need to speak to you too. And about the social issues I only found out about it by accident 3 days before we were due to go on Easter Break. I overheard something at the pick up, I asked my son about it and emailed for a big more info and WOW it sounds like this is a big deal, they said they don't normally involve themselves in the social lives of the kids but that my son was acting immature, spending time with the kids younger than him, was showing no interest in the older cohort and this was a negative situation.

I have a problem with this because he is right between the two groups. He is 5 years and 7 months- his preferred friendship group is with the 5 year olds and his little brother. The older cohort is made up of kids who have already turned 6. My son is the only kid who is still 5 and he won't turn 6 until the summer. So I feel really annoyed that they have been pushing him so hard and not telling me about it.

It's not ideal that he is with his brother, BUT he was bullied by an older child at the beginning of the year and so its no surprise to me that he would have found comfort in sticking with his brother and they have formed a very nice little group with some of the other kids. PLUS, they've been off school for about 20 weeks this year and naturally they spend a lot of time together at home.

Anyway, I feel tempted to come to the conclusion that they were hoping to to keep off the radar and just move him on. Where I am living they changed the law recently so that it is the parents decision whether to delay school for summer born kids. The deadline for notification of your decision is April 12th, so we intend to notify that monday. Even though the law is on our side, I know that this is going to be a very uncomfortable situation. Even though she has told us herself all the reasons that this is the right decision, we are expecting a lot of push back. Keep in mind we are talking to people who would argue the sky is green. At the moment he is in with his little brother so that will probably be their main arguement, we know that its not ideal but we think we can kick those cans down the road and there will be options for them to be split later. At the moment the risks of sending him on, to his educational path, to his mental health and development seem MUCH more pressing.

So, here are the questions I would like to be able to explain.

WHY is it better for immature children with these physical issues to stay back? I will get a lot of arguements why he should be moved up, why is it better for him to stay back?

I think he should receive targeted interventions and he should be able to work on his occupational therapy, mature and then go. They will say he can do that even if he moves up, so how can I articulate this more professionally?

I really feel like he will be open to bullying and really struggle if he is moved up. But how can I describe this in a way that its not just based on my opinion or feelings. What arguments would they be using if we were on opposite ends?

Now, keep in mind that we are actively looking for a more suitable place for him in the local system, I am uncomfortable with him being in with a teacher who doesn't really understand him... but by keeping us out of the loop until this late stage our options are much more limited and we would feel better if they were on the same page with us and we want that staying back there is a last resort.

Other tidbits of info- our doctor is very supportive of us and the other people in our life who know him our supportive.

I am sure that once I post this that I will think of something important to add. I am already aware of all the cons of keeping him back. I hope people can help me articulate this better. My mother's instinct is VERY strong that its the best option for him.

posted by catspajammies to Education (7 answers total)

You don't need to explain your reasons to them, and you don't need to persuade them that it's the right thing to do. You just need to inform them of your decision.

If you start getting into reasons, it'll become a negotiation, and that's when it gets uncomfortable. Just communicate it as a foregone conclusion.
posted by ook at 6:26 AM on April 1, 2021 [27 favorites]

Agree 100% with ook. This is your decision. It does not have to be justified to anyone but yourself. If they push for a discussion, put them off. Sure, we are available next week (at least a week after the deadline). Then, reschedule the day before for another week. By then it is moot.

Btw, I think your explanation here starting with the first paragraph is clear enough.
posted by AugustWest at 6:33 AM on April 1, 2021 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you everyone. Please note- its not clear to me what their actual obligations are to keep his spot. I've heard many stories of other mom's here who needed to scramble to find an alternative path. I'm sure I'll find out soon enough though! But I guess that's why I wanted to be more on the same page.
posted by catspajammies at 6:37 AM on April 1, 2021

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, because it sounds very stressful. I'm not sure where you live, but what you are describing is common with children born in summer/fall. It is so common, where I live has something called transitional kindergarten. It is for children born during those months because it is well-recognized that they are not yet mature enough or at the same physical level as their peers born a few months earlier. Tk is for fall-born only students where I live, but honestly the summer-born students could very-well fit into this cohort as well. I don't have specific arguments for you, but I suggest googling "arguments for transitional kindergarten" and it will most likely give you the answers to your questions.
posted by Toddles at 7:05 AM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

It is definitely your decision.

I would follow that instinct and just keep insisting kind of like this: "I really appreciate your thoughts, but my husband/partner and I are certain that holding him back is the right decision for [Child] based on his level of coordination and his preference to play with younger kids."

To maybe set your mind a bit at ease, we get lots of kids that have similar characteristics into my program at work (martial arts - any activity that teaches skills like that, dance, yoga, gymnastics, will help with balancing, coordination, and proprioception.)

I would say your description of your child is almost a typical set of characteristics, and his size is probably contributing because his muscles have grown so quickly and some activities aren't designed for his size of fingers. The social stuff is also completely normal and okay - so he likes to hang out with younger kids including his sibling! That's fine. If it's an issue later you can look to place your kids in separate classes or even schools. In other words, I would definitely support him - if you feel he needs OT or whatever an evaluation will help - and hold him back, but I wouldn't panic. He's got you on his side.

Finally, I 100% believe you on your instinct about this teacher, but having a few years' experience of teachers on you, I wouldn't actually judge them that harshly on not having brought it up earlier - not only is some of this really standard, kids change so much at this age often teachers will wait until the spring just to see if maturity kicks in. I'm not making excuses for her, just sharing some of the experience I've had both personally (August-born son) and professionally.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:20 AM on April 1, 2021 [3 favorites]

I'm going to provide an alternate and - for ask.metafilter - unusual opinion that you should try to bring the staff around to your way of thinking here. Of course you do not have to "explain your reason" to them; however - and this is big - your child is in their care. They are in a position to make your child's experience different - for better or worse - so why not try to have them on your side of things, why not be likeable?

I'd listen to what they have to say with proactive listening. "So, I hear you saying ... son should not spend time with younger cohort ..." (or whatever they are saying).

Perhaps your bottom line could be that your doctor recommends staying back and you and your partner agree.

Smile (yep, smile), be agreeable (why not?), repeat what they say as if it is important. Then go back to your message, the doctor thinks, my partner thinks, I think that it is best for son to stay behind this year. Smile again, nod, and thank them for their insight.

Now, I strongly agree that you should look for another spot if possible. It does not sound the culture of this school is in line with you and your child unless it is just the one teacher. But at least you know this now.

With regard to messaging from teachers and schools, some school buildings have a different culture/approach. In the 4 buildings my children have been in K through 12, there are big differences in how different words are seen, used, responded to - anxiety, gifted, advancement, etc. In retrospect, I had a couple teachers who went over the line to provide me with concerns and they were 100% right. Most other teachers did not tell me of concerns or brushed me off. I have many examples. Sometimes the school and teachers do not want to raise concerns because this becomes a resource drain, more meetings, etc.
posted by RoadScholar at 7:29 AM on April 1, 2021 [7 favorites]

I mean, I think it's a huge common bias that we use our eyes to judge so many things about people and when we point out that those judgements are wrong, just double down. I had a really hard time reminding myself that my friend's kid who is literally off the charts in terms of height, wasn't just being a blubbering baby about minor things and she wasn't just a coddler, he was, in fact, younger than he looked and acted quite normal for his age. We expect teachers to be way better about this but, sadly, I think that's actually rare. But, for that reason, I also think it's worth having a conversation with these teachers/caregivers that really explains each issue in relation to his actual age and environment (little brother closeness, bullying from the older kids, etc.). He is simply not more mature than his age....which is a spectrum anyway. He does not need to be more mature than his actual age. My kid's closest friend is six months older which puts her in the next up age group and it's funny to see the ways in which they are and are not matched in maturity level. My kiddo, in some areas, is less socially mature. But there are others her age who are even less and others who are even more. The problem, if there is one, is that they just can't *see* his age and that is a real problem.

It could also be somewhat more of a problem if he stays behind because he will be even bigger than the younger cohort. And that may be something of what the teachers are afraid of but you'd need to have a longer conversation about that to get to the bottom of it. If you are way outside the norm, it may be hard to make friends and be successful in terms of how they define success at that age which, in my limited experience, can be quite narrow (and wrong). I think it's good that they are raising these issues with you. Try hard not to panic as it can be quite anxiety triggering to realize that there's something going on but you weren't aware of it and may not agree with the facts as they've been presented. Like, there's objectively nothing wrong with hanging out with younger people at this age but probably the teachers are more in tune with the tenor of classroom culture and general kid trajectory but your kid just might need to be a little outside the lines...but everyone needs to work with that if so.
posted by amanda at 9:01 AM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]