How do you get self-esteem and care for yourself in relationships?
February 7, 2021 11:33 AM Subscribe
I've had another relationship break-up. And I think I need to work on my self-esteem and liking myself more. We were fundamentally different people (in terms of values, politics and other things), he also didn't take care of himself physically, mentally, or financially and I could see my own needs disappearing. I knew in the 1st month there were some red flags but I carried on. I think I need to like myself more in order to not stay in relationships that can't work.
We did have some really good times, and he was very caring and affectionate. However, after another row (he ended it very abruptly, and said we are too different). I'm doing my best not to reach out to him, but it's tough
I'm in therapy, and in recovery (for something else) but nothing seems to actually make me believe I'm intrinsically okay. I often end up with partners where I get angry and frustrated (sometimes I'm not being listened to, other time I over-react) they then get angry and it becomes a row. Initially, I thought I need anger management (which I may do later) but I've realised I actually stay with people where I know it's probably never going to work. There are usually red flags, even if they are nice in other ways. I often feel like I disappear in relationships.
I've read books, they don't help. I'm in my 6th year of therapy, it's helped with some things but I still feel I'm not good enough a lot of the time. My sponsor has suggested SLAA meetings, has anyone tried that or groups for self-esteem or anything like that? I can't keep doing this and acting this way, it's bringing me down and making other people unhappy too.
We did have some really good times, and he was very caring and affectionate. However, after another row (he ended it very abruptly, and said we are too different). I'm doing my best not to reach out to him, but it's tough
I'm in therapy, and in recovery (for something else) but nothing seems to actually make me believe I'm intrinsically okay. I often end up with partners where I get angry and frustrated (sometimes I'm not being listened to, other time I over-react) they then get angry and it becomes a row. Initially, I thought I need anger management (which I may do later) but I've realised I actually stay with people where I know it's probably never going to work. There are usually red flags, even if they are nice in other ways. I often feel like I disappear in relationships.
I've read books, they don't help. I'm in my 6th year of therapy, it's helped with some things but I still feel I'm not good enough a lot of the time. My sponsor has suggested SLAA meetings, has anyone tried that or groups for self-esteem or anything like that? I can't keep doing this and acting this way, it's bringing me down and making other people unhappy too.
Something you can do as a real simplification of the process right now is write yourself a checklist and an anti-checklist for future prospective partners. You're in a good place right now to identify the things you know don't work for you, and the things that push your buttons and result in fights - document it. And while you're single and do not have someone glimmering in your eye is the best time to make a list of reasonable things you need present in a partner in order to be able to get along with them.
That's a list you can work on with your therapist as well, because there can be aspects of "well, I don't deserve someone financially solvent and responsible" or "nobody with healthy social relationships is going to want to be with me" to that which deserve some work and improvement, and also it's worth working through with help from a therapist what "reasonable compromise" situations are actually supposed to look and feel like when you're respecting that humans are diverse and interesting but also you have boundaries you need to maintain to have a relationship that's going to work for you.
And this may be old boring cringey-sounding advice to you, but take the year off (I mean, this year is going to be pretty garbage anyway as far as social interactions go, so might as well!) and date yourself. Spend your money and time on you, spend time deliberately cultivating nice times and experiences with yourself, prioritize your friends and interests and your career/education and your living space and your life. Rejoice in the power that comes with saying NO to anybody else this year, because you're already seeing somebody. Emphasize building your support network, and yes that may include support groups but I hope it also includes friends and (if applicable) family, maybe an interest group or volunteer work, things that are outside of you but in which you are fully participating.
For most of us, self esteem is not a natural talent (at least, not one we're allowed to keep for terribly long after developmentally becoming a Self in the first place), it is a thing we have to cultivate like a garden and strengthen like a muscle. Books can be useful for deprogramming from shitty experiences and for insight into what healthy behaviors look like, but you have to make the garden/muscles out of your own raw material of Self. You can read a thousand books and do a thousand hours of therapy, but if you are not also doing the chores and exercise yourself it's not going to deliver a fully-formed self-esteem to your doorstep.
After a year of your money and time and attention belonging to you on purpose, carefully cultivated, it is significantly harder to give them away as if they have no value. It is much easier after that to say, "oh no, you only get X amount of my budget for those, I'm using the rest."
posted by Lyn Never at 12:10 PM on February 7, 2021 [11 favorites]
That's a list you can work on with your therapist as well, because there can be aspects of "well, I don't deserve someone financially solvent and responsible" or "nobody with healthy social relationships is going to want to be with me" to that which deserve some work and improvement, and also it's worth working through with help from a therapist what "reasonable compromise" situations are actually supposed to look and feel like when you're respecting that humans are diverse and interesting but also you have boundaries you need to maintain to have a relationship that's going to work for you.
And this may be old boring cringey-sounding advice to you, but take the year off (I mean, this year is going to be pretty garbage anyway as far as social interactions go, so might as well!) and date yourself. Spend your money and time on you, spend time deliberately cultivating nice times and experiences with yourself, prioritize your friends and interests and your career/education and your living space and your life. Rejoice in the power that comes with saying NO to anybody else this year, because you're already seeing somebody. Emphasize building your support network, and yes that may include support groups but I hope it also includes friends and (if applicable) family, maybe an interest group or volunteer work, things that are outside of you but in which you are fully participating.
For most of us, self esteem is not a natural talent (at least, not one we're allowed to keep for terribly long after developmentally becoming a Self in the first place), it is a thing we have to cultivate like a garden and strengthen like a muscle. Books can be useful for deprogramming from shitty experiences and for insight into what healthy behaviors look like, but you have to make the garden/muscles out of your own raw material of Self. You can read a thousand books and do a thousand hours of therapy, but if you are not also doing the chores and exercise yourself it's not going to deliver a fully-formed self-esteem to your doorstep.
After a year of your money and time and attention belonging to you on purpose, carefully cultivated, it is significantly harder to give them away as if they have no value. It is much easier after that to say, "oh no, you only get X amount of my budget for those, I'm using the rest."
posted by Lyn Never at 12:10 PM on February 7, 2021 [11 favorites]
This may sound a bit harsh, but... where do you get your sense of contentment? What do you get out of a relationship? Companionship? Validation? Not want to be alone?
I am NOT a psychiatrist or a psychologist, or even a therapist. I'm just your regular keyboard warrior. ;)
I would suggest you dedicate yourself an hour and start making a few lists
* When I was around him I feel _______ (all the feelings, not just positive, but sort them into pos/neg categories)
* When I was NOT around him I feel _______ (same thing)
* I feel ______ when he did ________ (need both positive and negative samples)
Write them down. Rant, cry, whatever. This can lead to some cathartic release as you are basically doing a post-mortem on your relationship, but it was for a great cause: it hopefully will lead to a better relationship where you get what you REALLY wanted out of a relationship, but first, you have ot know what it is, or it'd be like the Cheshire cat said... "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there."
Until you figure THAT out (or stumble into it), you'll keep hoping for that "ideal" relationship even if you don't know what it is.
posted by kschang at 1:58 PM on February 7, 2021
I am NOT a psychiatrist or a psychologist, or even a therapist. I'm just your regular keyboard warrior. ;)
I would suggest you dedicate yourself an hour and start making a few lists
* When I was around him I feel _______ (all the feelings, not just positive, but sort them into pos/neg categories)
* When I was NOT around him I feel _______ (same thing)
* I feel ______ when he did ________ (need both positive and negative samples)
Write them down. Rant, cry, whatever. This can lead to some cathartic release as you are basically doing a post-mortem on your relationship, but it was for a great cause: it hopefully will lead to a better relationship where you get what you REALLY wanted out of a relationship, but first, you have ot know what it is, or it'd be like the Cheshire cat said... "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there."
Until you figure THAT out (or stumble into it), you'll keep hoping for that "ideal" relationship even if you don't know what it is.
posted by kschang at 1:58 PM on February 7, 2021
All those trite quotes you've probably read in various places are true: You have to learn how to be happy on your own, and be content with yourself, first.
Spend some time where you're not in a relationship AND not looking for one, and figure out what it's like to be you without the pressure and complications of needing/wanting to please, appease, or care for someone else to keep them around. And I mean more than just a few months--it took me about a year on my own to even start figuring out who I was without defining myself as part of a relationship, and even longer to start being happy with that and building the sort of life I wanted.
I didn't come out the other end perfect in any way, but I understand myself better, can advocate for my own needs better, and have less patience for people who don't contribute to the relationship or aren't able to care for themselves (barring health issues of course). And I think that makes me a much better partner in my current relationships, too!
It's hard, at first. It's truly worth it, though.
posted by rhiannonstone at 2:40 PM on February 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
Spend some time where you're not in a relationship AND not looking for one, and figure out what it's like to be you without the pressure and complications of needing/wanting to please, appease, or care for someone else to keep them around. And I mean more than just a few months--it took me about a year on my own to even start figuring out who I was without defining myself as part of a relationship, and even longer to start being happy with that and building the sort of life I wanted.
I didn't come out the other end perfect in any way, but I understand myself better, can advocate for my own needs better, and have less patience for people who don't contribute to the relationship or aren't able to care for themselves (barring health issues of course). And I think that makes me a much better partner in my current relationships, too!
It's hard, at first. It's truly worth it, though.
posted by rhiannonstone at 2:40 PM on February 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
This is really tough. It might be beneficial to look into some DBT skills, focusing on areas of radical self-acceptance, and building self-compassion.
Don't beat yourself up for this relationship ending, or for being drawn to relationships like this. Relationships ending is information, not a reflection of your value, no more, no less. I know how easy it is to feel swept up in using relationships for validation, and I think that wanting validation is OK in relationships, but should not replace the internal validation that you have, which is there regardless of who/what/when/where/why you're around. This is about boundaries; if you have traumas (don't we all?), boundaries can be porous, and other people's porous boundaries can rub up against ours and generate conflict/triggering. But, you said that you did notice some red flags (and continued on in spite of them). Noticing red flags is very good! Noticing red flags means that you have a good sense of self-preservation, instrinsically. The key is for your conscious mind to trust your intuitive mind, and welcome the nudges you get from your intuition, validate them, and act accordingly.
Your self-esteem will improve as you honor your true self. Any person in any kind of relationship with you won't mind (or even notice?) if you're taking things slow to get the lay of the land as you delicately acknowlege the red flags that pop up (or don't!). Any person worth getting close to won't pressure you into any kind of relationship, either, if your natural inclination, during this learning to honor thyself process, is to move more slowly.
This is about skill-building, ultimately, because having good self-esteem is a friggen skill. It's a mental practice of connecting your spirit to your mind, and it happens by developing it reflexively, with consciousness.
(Sometimes hearing people, at least for me, say stuff like "just love yourself!" felt frustrating bc I was like OK HOW. It will be helpful to develop a practice of skill-building, I think, around self-acceptance.)
posted by erattacorrige at 2:59 PM on February 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Don't beat yourself up for this relationship ending, or for being drawn to relationships like this. Relationships ending is information, not a reflection of your value, no more, no less. I know how easy it is to feel swept up in using relationships for validation, and I think that wanting validation is OK in relationships, but should not replace the internal validation that you have, which is there regardless of who/what/when/where/why you're around. This is about boundaries; if you have traumas (don't we all?), boundaries can be porous, and other people's porous boundaries can rub up against ours and generate conflict/triggering. But, you said that you did notice some red flags (and continued on in spite of them). Noticing red flags is very good! Noticing red flags means that you have a good sense of self-preservation, instrinsically. The key is for your conscious mind to trust your intuitive mind, and welcome the nudges you get from your intuition, validate them, and act accordingly.
Your self-esteem will improve as you honor your true self. Any person in any kind of relationship with you won't mind (or even notice?) if you're taking things slow to get the lay of the land as you delicately acknowlege the red flags that pop up (or don't!). Any person worth getting close to won't pressure you into any kind of relationship, either, if your natural inclination, during this learning to honor thyself process, is to move more slowly.
This is about skill-building, ultimately, because having good self-esteem is a friggen skill. It's a mental practice of connecting your spirit to your mind, and it happens by developing it reflexively, with consciousness.
(Sometimes hearing people, at least for me, say stuff like "just love yourself!" felt frustrating bc I was like OK HOW. It will be helpful to develop a practice of skill-building, I think, around self-acceptance.)
posted by erattacorrige at 2:59 PM on February 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the responses - I was feeling really down and reading them all actually gave me some really good advice, and some concrete steps to actually get on and do something to help. It just hadn't clicked in my head that self-esteem is something I need to actively "do", for some reason I'd thought reading books alone would do it. Really appreciate all responses and all the insights that are in them. I am definitely going to date myself for a while after reading all the responses. It will be difficult to pick a best answer :)
posted by blue_eyes at 2:59 PM on February 8, 2021
posted by blue_eyes at 2:59 PM on February 8, 2021
It took me a very long time to learn to pay more attention to behavior than to words, especially in relationships, but, really, everywhere. People will use words to say how they wish things were, or to lie, but most of the time actions show you the truth. It's hard for me to articulate how this connects to self-esteem in relationships, but experience and observation show me that it does.
posted by theora55 at 8:00 AM on February 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 8:00 AM on February 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
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