How do I connect with my much younger and unmotivated stepsister?
December 22, 2020 10:23 PM Subscribe
I (35M) am spending this holiday with my dad, stepmother, and stepsister (18F). I am mostly doing this to try and connect more with my stepsister, who I usually see a few times a year (12 months this time). The age gap is large, but other than her parents I'm her closest family so I would like to get to know her better and offer myself as a resource when she needs it. My dad and stepmother specifically asked me to try and talk to her about life plans after high school, as she currently has none and does not seem interested in doing anything in particular. Does anyone have advice navigating either side of a sibling relationship with a large gap in years, or talking to an unmotivated and disinterested teenager in general?
My stepsister just dropped all high school classes but one, and is doing the absolute minimum to graduate. Her grades are mediocre and she is not interested in applying to any colleges. She doesn't have a job and has not applied for any. Her mother keeps trying to get her to do these things, but my stepmother both spoils and tries to control her daughter so these efforts are backfiring. It's pretty clear that my stepsister is very dependent on my stepmother and has learned to try and keep her happy to get what she wants. It doesn't really appear that my stepsister has many close friends or significant hobbies right now but she could just be private about it.
The reason my parents asked me for help is that I do have a lot in common with my stepsister, as we both enjoy video games and related nerdy things. I have some form of Asperger's/ASD as well as depression/anxiety issues, and she was recently diagnosed with anxiety as well as ASD (not 100% sure I agree). But I (+ my other sister) was very different at 18: by her age I was already accepted into college, had worked several internships, and was making video games with other people over the internet. Two years ago she was involved in cheerleading and taking vocational tech classes for 3d modeling, but she quit all of that before the pandemic. She's clearly somewhat depressed and the pandemic seems to have drained the rest of her motivation.
I am currently studying Psychology and motivation and have gone through decades of therapy, so I should know exactly what to do. But I need advice because what I've tried so far to connect with her hasn't worked at all. To try and break her reliance on her parents I bought her a laptop earlier this year and sent her a (way too long) heartfelt email explaining my past issues with anxiety/depression and how I would be there if she needed anything. She did not respond in any way, only rarely uses it, and has never asked me any questions. Her stepmother tried to take her to see therapists, but other than the one psychologist who diagnosed her (but was not accepting therapy patients) she didn't like any of them. I've tried to bring up related topics on this trip and she answers cogently and politely but does not continue the conversation. She's clearly intelligent and can work hard when she cares, but right now she seems content to watch tv and play low-investment tablet games all day.
So I could use advice and ideas on how to both connect with a distant sibling and talk to an unmotivated teenager about the future. My first priority is to build my relationship with her so she will feel like she has someone to talk to when she needs it later. My second is to try and help her find her own path in life over the next few years. She seems like a pretty dependent 18 year old so I imagine she will just kind of hang out at her parents house for a few years after high school until something blows up between her and my stepmother. They clearly love each other, but the relationship isn't totally healthy. My dad has no idea what to do because me and my sister were both extremely motivated despite our other issues. I know how to talk to anxious and depressed people, but not when they aren't interested in opening up. I'm not looking for hard answers, but any advice, anecdotes, or related thoughts would help me out. Thanks!
My stepsister just dropped all high school classes but one, and is doing the absolute minimum to graduate. Her grades are mediocre and she is not interested in applying to any colleges. She doesn't have a job and has not applied for any. Her mother keeps trying to get her to do these things, but my stepmother both spoils and tries to control her daughter so these efforts are backfiring. It's pretty clear that my stepsister is very dependent on my stepmother and has learned to try and keep her happy to get what she wants. It doesn't really appear that my stepsister has many close friends or significant hobbies right now but she could just be private about it.
The reason my parents asked me for help is that I do have a lot in common with my stepsister, as we both enjoy video games and related nerdy things. I have some form of Asperger's/ASD as well as depression/anxiety issues, and she was recently diagnosed with anxiety as well as ASD (not 100% sure I agree). But I (+ my other sister) was very different at 18: by her age I was already accepted into college, had worked several internships, and was making video games with other people over the internet. Two years ago she was involved in cheerleading and taking vocational tech classes for 3d modeling, but she quit all of that before the pandemic. She's clearly somewhat depressed and the pandemic seems to have drained the rest of her motivation.
I am currently studying Psychology and motivation and have gone through decades of therapy, so I should know exactly what to do. But I need advice because what I've tried so far to connect with her hasn't worked at all. To try and break her reliance on her parents I bought her a laptop earlier this year and sent her a (way too long) heartfelt email explaining my past issues with anxiety/depression and how I would be there if she needed anything. She did not respond in any way, only rarely uses it, and has never asked me any questions. Her stepmother tried to take her to see therapists, but other than the one psychologist who diagnosed her (but was not accepting therapy patients) she didn't like any of them. I've tried to bring up related topics on this trip and she answers cogently and politely but does not continue the conversation. She's clearly intelligent and can work hard when she cares, but right now she seems content to watch tv and play low-investment tablet games all day.
So I could use advice and ideas on how to both connect with a distant sibling and talk to an unmotivated teenager about the future. My first priority is to build my relationship with her so she will feel like she has someone to talk to when she needs it later. My second is to try and help her find her own path in life over the next few years. She seems like a pretty dependent 18 year old so I imagine she will just kind of hang out at her parents house for a few years after high school until something blows up between her and my stepmother. They clearly love each other, but the relationship isn't totally healthy. My dad has no idea what to do because me and my sister were both extremely motivated despite our other issues. I know how to talk to anxious and depressed people, but not when they aren't interested in opening up. I'm not looking for hard answers, but any advice, anecdotes, or related thoughts would help me out. Thanks!
There no magic bullet, but if you treat her like an adult and not a problem to be solved, over time you may build the trust for her to share more of what’s going on in her internal world. It sounds like she’s already caught in a crossfire of different parenting approaches. Give her space, respect and a willingness to listen.
It’s okay to not know what you want to do at 18. Especially 18 in 2020.
posted by meinvt at 10:38 PM on December 22, 2020 [32 favorites]
It’s okay to not know what you want to do at 18. Especially 18 in 2020.
posted by meinvt at 10:38 PM on December 22, 2020 [32 favorites]
If you've studied Psychology, you will be familiar with the power of unconditional positive regard. It would be a great gift if you could be that person who likes her, exactly as she is, without having to change to get your approval.
Let go of worrying about how dependent she is on her mother or how motivated she is pursue school or career. Other people in her life are already on her case. Instead, be someone who can enjoy sharing her interest in video games and nerdy things. As she gets to know you, she may decide that you are safe person where she can open up about her depression, anxiety and fears for future. And you said, you know how to have those conversations so that's great. But she will do it in her own time. But if she thinks that what you say is really coming from her parents or that you will just tell them whatever she tells you, then she's not going to trust with her private thoughts. So, play the long game here -to be a person who she can turn to, you need to let go of any agenda for this specific visit other than just hang out with her and connect in the ways that work for her.
posted by metahawk at 10:48 PM on December 22, 2020 [32 favorites]
Let go of worrying about how dependent she is on her mother or how motivated she is pursue school or career. Other people in her life are already on her case. Instead, be someone who can enjoy sharing her interest in video games and nerdy things. As she gets to know you, she may decide that you are safe person where she can open up about her depression, anxiety and fears for future. And you said, you know how to have those conversations so that's great. But she will do it in her own time. But if she thinks that what you say is really coming from her parents or that you will just tell them whatever she tells you, then she's not going to trust with her private thoughts. So, play the long game here -to be a person who she can turn to, you need to let go of any agenda for this specific visit other than just hang out with her and connect in the ways that work for her.
posted by metahawk at 10:48 PM on December 22, 2020 [32 favorites]
Can you answer the really hard question of "What's the point"? Maybe a good philosophy book -- if you know a relevant one -- could help here. That's all I got.
posted by amtho at 11:04 PM on December 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 11:04 PM on December 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Just make friends with her! Unconditional kindness and mutual respect is astonishingly rare in life, and even in families, as you probably know. She’s 18 so although she isn’t quite fully cooked she’s getting there and you aren’t particularly old, so I’m sure that there are lots of similar frames of reference and experiences you can relate to one another. I cannot overstate how amazing it is to have a family member who is also your friend, and who doesn’t lump expectations and stress onto you.
posted by Mizu at 11:15 PM on December 22, 2020 [23 favorites]
posted by Mizu at 11:15 PM on December 22, 2020 [23 favorites]
treat her like an adult and not a problem to be solved
As meinvt says here, in your wording of this question I am overwhelmingly hearing her being defined as a “problem to be solved”, and someone not conforming to expectations, rather than as a person whose perspective and experiences you can appreciate or sympathize with.
This seems like a recipe for not getting anywhere. Perhaps, even just as a thought exercise for solving a problem, consider how you'd relate to her if it wasn't mandatory for her to be motivated and have her life planned at 18.
posted by XMLicious at 1:34 AM on December 23, 2020 [14 favorites]
You could be describing my youngest daughter when she was 18, and then and now, my older daughter and other members of our family probably feels I spoil the little one (who is six feet tall). But I have persisted in doing what I feel is right: making sure that she feels loved and that she is OK like she is.
Some time ago, at 21, she finally got a full-time job. She still has no idea what she wants to study or generally do in life, but it turned out she is really good at her job. After a few weeks, the bosses gave her major responsibilities. And since then, her personality has changed completely. Before, she thought she could never handle a full-time job, and she was very passive and often anxious or depressed. Now she is assertive and outgoing, she has a very lovely boyfriend. She is extremely responsible, and her intelligence and sense of humor are showing in a whole new way.
When I was a teenager, I was a fighter. I was thrown out by my stepdad when I was 16 and had to find a way to manage. I started at university at 18. So everything about my daughter seems different. My oldest was more like me, in terms of fending for herself, even though she didn't get thrown out, she just has the drive. But I don't remember all that fighting as a positive, I feel that inside, I was probably a lot like the youngest. And I had many friends who had supporting parents who weren't worried at all when they just hang out for years into their twenties, and they are doing at least as well, or better than me today. So I've been determined not to push my youngest one bit. Unconditional love and care is the way to go.
posted by mumimor at 1:38 AM on December 23, 2020 [11 favorites]
Some time ago, at 21, she finally got a full-time job. She still has no idea what she wants to study or generally do in life, but it turned out she is really good at her job. After a few weeks, the bosses gave her major responsibilities. And since then, her personality has changed completely. Before, she thought she could never handle a full-time job, and she was very passive and often anxious or depressed. Now she is assertive and outgoing, she has a very lovely boyfriend. She is extremely responsible, and her intelligence and sense of humor are showing in a whole new way.
When I was a teenager, I was a fighter. I was thrown out by my stepdad when I was 16 and had to find a way to manage. I started at university at 18. So everything about my daughter seems different. My oldest was more like me, in terms of fending for herself, even though she didn't get thrown out, she just has the drive. But I don't remember all that fighting as a positive, I feel that inside, I was probably a lot like the youngest. And I had many friends who had supporting parents who weren't worried at all when they just hang out for years into their twenties, and they are doing at least as well, or better than me today. So I've been determined not to push my youngest one bit. Unconditional love and care is the way to go.
posted by mumimor at 1:38 AM on December 23, 2020 [11 favorites]
I agree with all the advice above to try to find ways to like your step sister and find a way to enjoy her company so you can come to like her for herself and not as a favor to her parents or out of some sense of duty. I don’t know anyone who had their shit together at 18. My kid was adrift at that age, and now has a lovely family and seems much more secure emotionally. If you want to make a difference to your stepsister, follow the advice everyone else suggested. Find a way to connect with her, via online gaming that you guys can do when you’re apart, for example, which is just about having a good time together and not about exchanging heartfelt messages.
I totally appreciate your generosity and that heartfelt message that you sent to her. The problem is, she is not in a place to receive that message. And it’s possible she never will be. So figure out, if possible, if there’s a way to connect with her that does not force her to be someone other than who she is and that does not force you to be anyone other than who you are. Then see what happens from there.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:32 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
I totally appreciate your generosity and that heartfelt message that you sent to her. The problem is, she is not in a place to receive that message. And it’s possible she never will be. So figure out, if possible, if there’s a way to connect with her that does not force her to be someone other than who she is and that does not force you to be anyone other than who you are. Then see what happens from there.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:32 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
Take her bowling or something. Whether she's depressed or "depressed," she's a teenage girl with a complicated relationship with her mother in the middle of a pandemic, and you're a distant-ish family member who drops in from time to time. Keep your relationship at that level and have some fun together. You could do her a world more good by taking the focus *off of her instead of piling more on.
If you really believe she's depressed, help her get appropriate support for that. Depression is not a lack of motivation, it is a medical condition. People cannot motivate themselves out of medical conditions, and attempts to do so result in shame and deeper despair. Attempts by others to "help" depressed people self-motivate only exacerbate that shame - consider that the pandemic may not be the thing that's drained the rest of your stepsister's motivation.
posted by headnsouth at 5:32 AM on December 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
If you really believe she's depressed, help her get appropriate support for that. Depression is not a lack of motivation, it is a medical condition. People cannot motivate themselves out of medical conditions, and attempts to do so result in shame and deeper despair. Attempts by others to "help" depressed people self-motivate only exacerbate that shame - consider that the pandemic may not be the thing that's drained the rest of your stepsister's motivation.
posted by headnsouth at 5:32 AM on December 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
My sister is 10 years younger so I've struggled to connect at times. You are trying to provide leadership and guidance to an adult who has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want that from you. Instead of looking at her like a problem to be solved, maybe just see if she wants a... human? Send her funny memes. Ask her "hey have you seen this movie?" Just be consistent and low-key in your outreach, expecting nothing back, and maybe she'll come to trust you.
Also, hi we are in the middle of a pandemic, she's not wrong to have no plans for a very uncertain approaching year. Everyone could maybe agree to back off until she has actual options??
posted by DarlingBri at 5:47 AM on December 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
Also, hi we are in the middle of a pandemic, she's not wrong to have no plans for a very uncertain approaching year. Everyone could maybe agree to back off until she has actual options??
posted by DarlingBri at 5:47 AM on December 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
I'd try to get her excited about the many cool non-college ways to get training and good jobs. I'm professional academic and I love college but I hate the way so many young people are forced into it for bad reasons.
Just off the top of my head:
There are game dev and digital art/design boot camps.
There are trade apprenticeships. Welding may not seem super cool but being in high demand and making lots of money in her 20s may be attractive. Same for HVAC, CNC milling, etc.
Community college also is a great thing to check out. Your local ones will be plugged into your local job scene in a way the universities are not, and the feel there may be much more to her liking.
I don't know how many people you've known that sort of drift into service jobs and coast through their 20s but that A) is often a big dead end with no security and B) will be much harder to do over the next five years anyway.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:49 AM on December 23, 2020
Just off the top of my head:
There are game dev and digital art/design boot camps.
There are trade apprenticeships. Welding may not seem super cool but being in high demand and making lots of money in her 20s may be attractive. Same for HVAC, CNC milling, etc.
Community college also is a great thing to check out. Your local ones will be plugged into your local job scene in a way the universities are not, and the feel there may be much more to her liking.
I don't know how many people you've known that sort of drift into service jobs and coast through their 20s but that A) is often a big dead end with no security and B) will be much harder to do over the next five years anyway.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:49 AM on December 23, 2020
Just spend time with her without agenda or expectation. Be curious about her as a person without trying to fix her.
posted by bunderful at 5:53 AM on December 23, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 5:53 AM on December 23, 2020 [8 favorites]
Be her friend.
posted by Dolley at 5:56 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Dolley at 5:56 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
What does she want? What does she care about? What are her strengths? You probably can’t ask those questions straight up but if you take the time to develop a real friendship, you can then be a sounding board and support her as she figures her stuff out.
Take the POV that she’s an adult and she’ll ask for help when she wants to. You can show that you believe in her ability to get through this difficult time. You can share your own stories about times when you struggled, but you don’t need to coach her or fix her and it’ll likely backfire.
posted by bunderful at 6:00 AM on December 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
Take the POV that she’s an adult and she’ll ask for help when she wants to. You can show that you believe in her ability to get through this difficult time. You can share your own stories about times when you struggled, but you don’t need to coach her or fix her and it’ll likely backfire.
posted by bunderful at 6:00 AM on December 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm not so much worried about her being unmotivated during the pandemic; I'm a grown-ass adult with a job, a spouse, grown children, pets...and I'm unmotivated as hell.
What I am worried about is your mention of her dropping all of her activities before the pandemic. Most people don't quit all of the things they enjoy unless there's kind of a big reason. I'm not saying you need to or should push to find out if there is a reason, just be aware that there might be something else going on besides totally normal teenager-in-a-pandemic stuff.
posted by cooker girl at 6:28 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
What I am worried about is your mention of her dropping all of her activities before the pandemic. Most people don't quit all of the things they enjoy unless there's kind of a big reason. I'm not saying you need to or should push to find out if there is a reason, just be aware that there might be something else going on besides totally normal teenager-in-a-pandemic stuff.
posted by cooker girl at 6:28 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
Read up on Autistic Burnout. It can look a lot like depression, but it is not depression. And whatever you do, don't force her to "mask" for you.
posted by heatherlogan at 6:48 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 6:48 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
Not everyone develops at the same rate. The expectation that a person is 18 years old and all of a sudden ready to go out into the world and find their own path is plain ridiculous. I was definitely ready to go, but my brother went off to college, lasted one semester, and promptly moved back home. He played WoW and fucked around for about two more years. Then he turned 20 and something clicked, he gave college another shot, and now he's a well-functioning member of society, paying taxes and all that shit.
I think the important thing is not to hector them with expectations. Not to say that you should completely avoid the topic of future plans, but don't make it the main point of your interactions, otherwise, they just will avoid talking to you. I think my parents toed a fine line of letting him figure it out on his own, while giving him little subtle pushes out the door. Of course it helped that they were financially secure and could provide him room and board during this life phase.
My brother knew what he had to do, he just wasn't quite ready yet. Give your stepsister a chance to figure it out on her own.
posted by dudemanlives at 6:50 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
I think the important thing is not to hector them with expectations. Not to say that you should completely avoid the topic of future plans, but don't make it the main point of your interactions, otherwise, they just will avoid talking to you. I think my parents toed a fine line of letting him figure it out on his own, while giving him little subtle pushes out the door. Of course it helped that they were financially secure and could provide him room and board during this life phase.
My brother knew what he had to do, he just wasn't quite ready yet. Give your stepsister a chance to figure it out on her own.
posted by dudemanlives at 6:50 AM on December 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
You can be her sister or her parent, not both.
posted by dripdripdrop at 7:15 AM on December 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by dripdripdrop at 7:15 AM on December 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
What you've described of your attempts so far sound very well-intentioned and concerned for her interests, and that I'm afraid might be the exact reason it isn't landing. More specifically, the good intentions you have are still largely wrapped up in demands of her that seem to echo the dynamic you've described between her and her mother.
I'll echo what others have said and encourage you to develop a more organic relationship that shows an interest in what she's about - you mentioned sharing an interest in video games, so that would be a good start to finding something to bond over.
Yes, it is anxiety provoking to watch a young person at her age looking like they're failing to launch - but that's the anxiety (among other things) which I'm guessing is paralyzing/depressing her herself. The advantage of being in your position as a step-sibling is that you're not the parent, and can therefore offer a buffer from that kind of demand. So the key point for you as you try to connect with her is how you can contain any anxiety you might have about her current circumstances, and how you can keep out your stepmother's (understandable) anxiety about stepsis from seeping into your attempts to connect.
posted by obliterati at 7:33 AM on December 23, 2020
I'll echo what others have said and encourage you to develop a more organic relationship that shows an interest in what she's about - you mentioned sharing an interest in video games, so that would be a good start to finding something to bond over.
Yes, it is anxiety provoking to watch a young person at her age looking like they're failing to launch - but that's the anxiety (among other things) which I'm guessing is paralyzing/depressing her herself. The advantage of being in your position as a step-sibling is that you're not the parent, and can therefore offer a buffer from that kind of demand. So the key point for you as you try to connect with her is how you can contain any anxiety you might have about her current circumstances, and how you can keep out your stepmother's (understandable) anxiety about stepsis from seeping into your attempts to connect.
posted by obliterati at 7:33 AM on December 23, 2020
+1 to everyone else who said to just be her friend.
However, I noticed that you mention her diagnosis of ASD and express some doubt. Whether or not you agree with the diagnosis, I'd like to share some insight into the differences of experience between autistic men and women during adolescence. Recently research shows that autistic women have a much harder time during the teen years - they are more isolated and have less friends than the boys do. The social world of teenage girls is much more complicated than that of teen boys. The social expectations are much higher. Among boys, it continues to be fine, socially, to just be into whatever you're into (especially gaming, coding, sports, etc) and not to change much in how you communicate (or not). Among girls, it's not enough to do a hobby in the presence of others. There's a ton of social expectations weighing on the girls - they are expected to navigate frequently changing relationships on top of engaging with the actual activity. As a result researchers see a higher incidence of depression and anxiety among teenage autistic women.
So for your relationship with your sister, just treat her like a person you want to be friends with and not a problem to be "solved." You're not her parent, you certainly don't have special expertise. Just hang out and do something fun together.
posted by stowaway at 8:34 AM on December 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
However, I noticed that you mention her diagnosis of ASD and express some doubt. Whether or not you agree with the diagnosis, I'd like to share some insight into the differences of experience between autistic men and women during adolescence. Recently research shows that autistic women have a much harder time during the teen years - they are more isolated and have less friends than the boys do. The social world of teenage girls is much more complicated than that of teen boys. The social expectations are much higher. Among boys, it continues to be fine, socially, to just be into whatever you're into (especially gaming, coding, sports, etc) and not to change much in how you communicate (or not). Among girls, it's not enough to do a hobby in the presence of others. There's a ton of social expectations weighing on the girls - they are expected to navigate frequently changing relationships on top of engaging with the actual activity. As a result researchers see a higher incidence of depression and anxiety among teenage autistic women.
So for your relationship with your sister, just treat her like a person you want to be friends with and not a problem to be "solved." You're not her parent, you certainly don't have special expertise. Just hang out and do something fun together.
posted by stowaway at 8:34 AM on December 23, 2020 [5 favorites]
I don't know much about connecting with siblings but I do have a kid the age of your sister who has motivation impairments (?) and ASD. My advice is to simply connect with her and forget giving her advice. You're not in a position to change the course of her life, but you can create a connection that she can reach out to if and when she chooses to. Play video games together or do other shared activities you enjoy. Do a cooking project or whatever else organically collaborative you can think of.
posted by latkes at 8:40 AM on December 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by latkes at 8:40 AM on December 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
I am in my 50s and for similar reasons to you I have forged a relationship with someone who is now 20, starting about 2 years ago. *Now* she will call me and talk to me about anything that is troubling her. How I got to this point was like other people are saying - being her friend, meeting her where she is/was in the moment. Gradually -- very gradually -- offering advice if she asked. Giving my feedback when she tells me what's going on in her life. Basically, not acting but reacting. It totally worked. Now she trusts me, and believes I know enough of her backstory, the people in her life, her friends, her moods, etc. that she will listen to my advice and sometimes take it. Sometimes not, but I never hold it against her. Just keep on listening and being a friend.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:44 AM on December 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:44 AM on December 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
I read this advice in a parenting book concerning offering help or advice to young people, and I'm sharing it with you because your attitude towards your stepsister is decidedly parental (not really your fault given the age gap and the role your parents are thrusting you into - but we need to acknowledge your parental attitude as a fact rather than pretend you can start over with a clean slate as her friend or "equal"ish sibling):
Offering help or advice or suggestions to a teen or young adult must be done under the same conditions as going to a party: NEVER UNLESS YOU ARE EXPLICITLY INVITED.
This has become my mantra as a parent. When my kids are chatting to me about their lives, and every cell in my body is crying out to suggest this or that way of solving the problem, I have to tell myself to zip it because I wasn't invited to the party. I visualize myself as standing on the wrong side of the velvet rope and the usher is telling me my name isn't on the list. It's a sad and hilarious state of affairs, exactly like life. But the reward for consistently not crashing any of my children's exclusive invite-only parties is that they really do chat to me about their lives all the time, we have a wonderful and trusting and open relationship, and on some occasions, I actually do get my coveted invitation....
posted by MiraK at 9:49 AM on December 23, 2020 [9 favorites]
Offering help or advice or suggestions to a teen or young adult must be done under the same conditions as going to a party: NEVER UNLESS YOU ARE EXPLICITLY INVITED.
This has become my mantra as a parent. When my kids are chatting to me about their lives, and every cell in my body is crying out to suggest this or that way of solving the problem, I have to tell myself to zip it because I wasn't invited to the party. I visualize myself as standing on the wrong side of the velvet rope and the usher is telling me my name isn't on the list. It's a sad and hilarious state of affairs, exactly like life. But the reward for consistently not crashing any of my children's exclusive invite-only parties is that they really do chat to me about their lives all the time, we have a wonderful and trusting and open relationship, and on some occasions, I actually do get my coveted invitation....
posted by MiraK at 9:49 AM on December 23, 2020 [9 favorites]
just to back up all the advice here, i was the younger sibling who Failed To Launch(tm) with a 10 year older sister who really was a gift in that she just wanted to hang out and always treated me normally at a time when i really felt othered and isolated by my autistic traits and depression. and she'd ask if i was going to go back to college, etc, but accept it when i said no and just seem interested if i wanted to explain more (although i rarely did) but didn't push or argue or suggest.
now, years later, outwardly i'm not that much more motivated or Launched(tm), but i love my sister! we're very close and i feel like i can talk to her about anything without the shame or defensiveness i have with my other family, and i'll go to her explicitly for advice. plus, to me, she's, like, successful in every area of her life, but i'm never like "wow i could never be her," more like "wow maybe i could do that?" which i think also comes from never feeling any pressure from her to do things the same way she did. but it really did take her being consistent over the last five or ten years, not a short-term thing at all for my case.
also, not that you necessarily have influence on how your dad and stepmom handle this, but the absolutely most helpful thing for me if i'd still lived with my parents when this hit wouldve been for them to be clear and honest about their expectations and conditions - so like, "you can do whatever here for [x time] but then have to get a job or an education or move out" instead of conflicting simultaneous reassurance and pressure or just a lack of communication at all. god, especially with codependence involved, i would've been totally locked up just in fear of not knowing what would make them finally run out of patience with me and not be able to make any moves.
posted by gaybobbie at 1:17 PM on December 24, 2020 [8 favorites]
now, years later, outwardly i'm not that much more motivated or Launched(tm), but i love my sister! we're very close and i feel like i can talk to her about anything without the shame or defensiveness i have with my other family, and i'll go to her explicitly for advice. plus, to me, she's, like, successful in every area of her life, but i'm never like "wow i could never be her," more like "wow maybe i could do that?" which i think also comes from never feeling any pressure from her to do things the same way she did. but it really did take her being consistent over the last five or ten years, not a short-term thing at all for my case.
also, not that you necessarily have influence on how your dad and stepmom handle this, but the absolutely most helpful thing for me if i'd still lived with my parents when this hit wouldve been for them to be clear and honest about their expectations and conditions - so like, "you can do whatever here for [x time] but then have to get a job or an education or move out" instead of conflicting simultaneous reassurance and pressure or just a lack of communication at all. god, especially with codependence involved, i would've been totally locked up just in fear of not knowing what would make them finally run out of patience with me and not be able to make any moves.
posted by gaybobbie at 1:17 PM on December 24, 2020 [8 favorites]
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Okay, here's the deal. Parenting is really a challenge right now. I have two teenage kids. Every other month or so during this pandemic, my dad has cheerfully said to me, "Well, I'd give you some parenting advice, but I never had to deal with anything like this!" None of us had had to deal with anything like this.
And here's the other thing: she is going to need some internal motivation. It sounds like your dad and stepmom are trying to make the kid start doing things not because her mom wants her to but because you're nudging her in that direction.
I'd encourage you to befriend her if you have a sincere desire to do that, and not out of any sense of obligation to or interest in changing her. Watch TV with her; play games with her; see if you can invite her to take some walks with you. Talk and listen, but just chit chat. You can't fix her.
It's really hard for lots of teenagers to be motivated right now. I don't think you can generate that in her. But you might be a good support system for her if you develop a genuine relationship with no ulterior motives, so that's what I'd suggest you aim for.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:33 PM on December 22, 2020 [43 favorites]