Self-confidence in 4 days or less

October 23, 2020 8:12 PM

I have a job interview scheduled for early next week, but I've been feeling like shit for the past week. How can I go about building up my confidence/preparing for the interview in the next few days?

I've just been feeling professionally shitty for the past few months. I never got a chance to do the job I was hired optimally due to COVID, so I really think that I've disappointed my current supervisor/director. I know this is just my stupid anxious brain telling me this, because I'm sure this isn't the case. How can I gain some confidence over the next few days? Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning!

I'm going to ramble a bit about WHY I've been feeling so unconfident.

I still feel pretty bad about the interviewing feedback my director gave me after a few practice questions, which I mentioned in my previous question. I'm still processing it and I'm not sure if I can "fix" all these things I do poorly by Tuesday! For example, she asked me practice question on Tuesday morning and I came back later that day with an answer written down on a notepad, when I dared to glance at the the notepad she shrieked at me to put that away and snottily (IMO) reminded me that I won't have a note pad in the interview!! She then criticized me for trying to memorize an answer. Ugh. It hurts to get your main way of preparing for job interviews criticized.

I get so EXTREMELY nervous that I have to write and revise answers, I have to practice. Or else I freeze OR ramble like an idiot forever. I'm getting really scared for this interview, because I feel like... I'm just going to mess up. No matter what I do.

I don't know why I'm putting so much weight on advice from my director. I guess because she seems like a quite a well connected person in this industry, and networking via her help allowed me to kind of get this interview... geeze, I just feel like an idiot. She's this super-smart super-professional Type A person, and ugh, I don't think I can ever live up to that or be "as good as" her as a librarian. Again, I just feel like an "okay" librarian, at best. I didn't even understand her feedback regarding what I had to write for a prior job application! I just don't feel like I "get" her and sometimes her feedback... doesn't make sense to me? And it makes me feel like I'm WRONG. Just a BAD LIBRARIAN. I'm not a super type A perfect person!

Are there some things I can be doing to increase my self-confidence (by even a minuscule account) before Tuesday? I am going to practice and write down answers, I don't see how not doing that is logical in my case. I am also going to buy a new outfit tomorrow, because for some reason I already returned my formal clothes to my mother's house when I thought I was for sure moving back last month. That should give me a bit of distraction! Other than that, I'm not sure what to do, but I feel like I need to do something!

posted by VirginiaPlain to Work & Money (19 answers total)

Exercise a whole bunch. It gives your fight or flight response an outlet.
posted by aniola at 8:14 PM on October 23, 2020 [7 favorites]

I would recommend thinking about how you would be treating someone else who’s in your position....really imagine that separate person and all the well wishes you would have and what that would make you do. And then....sub yourself in for that third person.

You’d be lavishing confidence boosters and pointing out all the things that you’re doing right!

I’m pretty sure you’d not be acting like your director...so just forget her and concentrate on the right encouragement...even if it’s coming direct from you!
posted by Tandem Affinity at 8:21 PM on October 23, 2020 [2 favorites]

(And I don’t mean « just » as though it’s easy to forget someone being such a downer to you...I only mean that I consider her behavior « just «  that, all hers and no indicator of how you’re going to do). All the best luck - you have all the right enthusiasm!!!
posted by Tandem Affinity at 8:24 PM on October 23, 2020

There is no reason for one person to shriek at another unless it's to stop someone getting hit by a car or something. So do not let her get into your head; I suspect her behavior is more about her than you.

As for the interview: yes do your prep, yes put together strategies or answering various types of questions.

But my number one interview technique: approach it as adult professionals having a conversation about whether the position and I are a match for each other. This is somewhat easy for me because I have a lot of consulting experience, so I am accustomed to walking into new relationships where a contract has been signed and it's up to me and them to exchange information necessary to get the work done, but I believe anybody can do this. You're in the interview to solve a problem: they need a person to do things, and you may be the person who can do the things.

I have been in interviews where they were playing a shitty game - wanting me to have memorized stuff that doesn't need memorizing, delusions that they were some kind of Google interviewer throwing out the gotchas...it's fine, you don't want to work there anyway, if that's the case. But otherwise, approach this as a respectful conversation between potential colleagues looking to find out if you can work well together.

You can do this.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:39 PM on October 23, 2020 [23 favorites]

I have a thirty-page Google doc where I have written down interview questions and answers to then - I read through and update the whole thing before any interview, and it really, really helps - just having thought about the things they might ask you so you're not trying to think of a time you dealt with a difficult coworker three years ago, you're thinking about when you wrote it down last week, so it's much easier to recall. It's a good tactic if it works for you, which it sounds like it does.

And plan to take a deep breath before answering a question - it gives you a moment to gather your thoughts and can help calm a physical nervous reaction.

You got this interview because they think you would be good at this job and they want to learn more about you and to show you more about what the job really is. That's all! You've got this.
posted by phlox at 8:57 PM on October 23, 2020 [10 favorites]

I'm quite good at interviewing and I definitely pregame my answers to interview questions, particularly the behavioral ones. I would politely decline further interviewing advice from your boss.

I think distracting yourself sounds like a good plan. Definitely schedule some time to practice, but outside of that set time, focus on self-care and don't try to make yourself into a "perfect candidate" - there is no such thing.

Good interviewers will be rooting for you to succeed. As a fellow librarian, I imagine that at least one person on your interview panel will be a friendly middle-aged lady with a penchant for, say, quilting. This nice woman is chatty but a little burned out. She knows there is no such thing as a perfect librarian; she is also having the same 2020 as the rest of us and just wants to get someone hired so that the staffing schedule isn't a tangled mess.

Okay, sorry, #notalllibrarians, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that the stakes are usually lower than our anxiety brains think they are. Good luck with your interview!
posted by toastedcheese at 9:02 PM on October 23, 2020 [2 favorites]

On the building up your confidence front:

Read every single good review from former and current colleagues. Read it again. And again. Repeat the exercise until you can comfortably read it without your anxious brain saying, "Naaaaah, they don't really think you're that great, they're just lying."

Ask colleagues and close friends to remind you about any stories you've told them where you felt like you had a great professional achievement. This will give you material to talk about in your interview.

Ask friends and family that you're close to, "What do you think are some of my great qualities [in a professional setting]?" And then listen to their answer without deflecting, denying, or self-deprecating.
posted by tinydancer at 9:07 PM on October 23, 2020 [2 favorites]

EXCUSE ME? I *always* take a notepad to interviews! Not once, if I didn’t get the job, did anyone say it was because I used or took notes. That is complete crap. I like to remember that interviews are also a chance for YOU to interview the employer. Do you like their tone/approach? Are they answering your questions about the job? What have they mentioned (or left out) that you are curious about? You got this!
posted by mollymillions at 10:19 PM on October 23, 2020 [9 favorites]

An interview is not an exam. It's a introduction and an opportunity to discuss job fit. Preparation is important but you don't need to memorize everything, and it's ok to take a beat when asked a question to then gather your thoughts before answering.

More often than not, at this stage of your career, the interviewers are just looking for someone with a good attitude and enough domain knowledge to be able to get up to speed fairly quickly. You don't need to be perfect. Having interviewed many people I can say that it's usually pretty easy to tell whether someone knows their stuff but has fluffed in the moment versus someone who just flat out doesn't know, but the thing that really impresses is when candidates show that they are interested and excited about the opportunity to learn. Someone who already 'knows everything' can raise a red flag - they may be unwilling or unable to adapt that knowledge to a different context. Attitude really does go a long way.

So I get that it's nerve-wracking but you'll be ok! Treat it as a conversation about your potential rather than a test to pass/fail.

For specific resources try out one of the meditation apps, Calm or Headspace. They have free trial periods and include practical guided sessions to help with things like interview anxiety. I'm not one for meditation generally but ten minutes with someone pleasant saying kind and encouraging things can be really helpful when I'm wigging out.

Good luck. We're rooting for you!
posted by freya_lamb at 11:35 PM on October 23, 2020 [3 favorites]

You owe yourself a good day, but it's going to be an uphill struggle to get there against the background of 2020. Maybe consider owning your response to these circumstances when you start explaining an answer with a short 'thank you for this opportunity, despite the challenge we'll put our best fooot forward' type of statement.

If drilling helps you: practise until you get it right, then practise until you don't get it wrong.

What to drill? Look over the things in your covering letter, resume or CV that you're proud to have achieved or are important for this role, then drill an answer that lets you speak positively of your achievement. The more you drill why you liked those achievements, the more confident you'll have in yourself.

Best of luck! You'll be great!
posted by k3ninho at 11:47 PM on October 23, 2020 [1 favorite]

A bit of a different take: Do you love anything about librarianship? Is there anything about being a librarian that warms your heart? I know you've had some very stressful months/years lately, but what parts of library work still give you a sense of pleasure?

Do practice a lot, in different ways and in different circumstances (sitting in front of a mirror, walking outside, shadow boxing like Rocky, whatever) so that you know what you want to say. But - unless you have not even the faintest positive feelings at all about your work and never have - also take some time to remember your feelings about librarianship, whatever core of interest or excitement made you take up that field in the first place. Think about good experiences you've had, the nice interactions and satisfying moments that made you think "I like this work". Give yourself a good half day or so to remember the fun things about library work.

You're not a librarian in your boss's mold. You're a librarian in your own mold. Don't think in terms of "good" and "bad" in the interview. Think in terms of giving answers that express your approach. If your approach is a good fit for them, then great; and if it isn't, you probably wouldn't be happy working there anyway. So embrace your own mold and your own energy. And if you do have any love for your field, or feel any excitement about the work, then don't be afraid to let that show through.
posted by trig at 3:03 AM on October 24, 2020 [4 favorites]

Good luck! I second all the advice above about remembering that this is just a conversation meant to determine if there’s mutual fit. You don’t need to be some kind of library demigod. And it’s important to remember: you’re assessing them, too.
posted by eirias at 4:03 AM on October 24, 2020 [4 favorites]

They are interviewing YOU, not your director. Get her out of your head if you can, show up as you. She’s been trying to help but she’s not the authority on this other position, or interviews in general—sounds like she hasn’t been on one in a while!—and most importantly, she’s not the authority on you.

They want to hire you. They desperately want to hire you. I don’t know them, but I do a lot of hiring and get a ton of applicants and by the time I’ve narrowed that down to interviews, I am going in hoping and praying that person is my hire. I’m not waiting for them to mess up, I am not judging them by arbitrary rules like notebooks or whether they seem nervous. I’m honestly hoping to hire them.

This might sound trite but try dancing/singing along to a favorite song beforehand. The physicality works out some of the nerves, the singing warms up your voice, the attitude of the song can make you feel confident or sassy or powerful.

Congratulations!
posted by kapers at 6:20 AM on October 24, 2020 [2 favorites]

One thing to keep in mind is that the hiring manager at the other library might think your director is kind of a pain in the ass. You can respect someone professionally and have a good professional relationship with them, and still think, “Yikes, Matilda is A LOT.” You’re perceiving her as the apex of librarianship, but maybe other people at her level think she’s silly, annoying, or a handful. I wouldn’t assume this or behave as though it were true, but it could help to shift your thinking about your director, who seems to be taking up a lot of space in your head.

I would remember that she has AN opinion but she doesn’t have the only opinion, and maybe downgrade how much credence you’re giving her.
posted by jeoc at 7:02 AM on October 24, 2020 [2 favorites]

Your style (thoughtful, doing your homework, preparing in advance) is different from your director's style (impulsive, thinking on her feet). This does not make your style bad or wrong. Trying to work in a style that is not your own intrinsic style (i.e., trying to work in your director's style) is always going to feel wrong and is going to make you do worse work. Your style is how you do your BEST work, so embrace the notepad, prepare your talking points in writing, and rehearse them! You absolutely WILL have the notepad in your interview, and you will make little notes while the interviewers ask you questions, because that is how you do your best work.
posted by heatherlogan at 8:22 AM on October 24, 2020 [2 favorites]

Positive visualisation has always given me a boost for interviews. There's plenty online you can read, usually in connection with sports, but I tend to keep it fairly simple - find somewhere quiet, sit for 5-10 minutes with your eyes closed, and picture yourself doing whatever it is you would do if the interview went amazingly well. Close your eyes and imagine yourself springing out the door, rewarding yourself with a coffee and a cake, ringing a friend or relative to tell them how well it went - whatever it is you would do in the aftermath of a great success. Take the time to work through these scenes, then open your eyes and head for the interview.
posted by mani at 9:33 AM on October 24, 2020

You aren't interviewing with your director and have no idea whether this other director will have the same thoughts or feedback. That's one reason why interviewing can be so scary -- it's full of unknowns and in particular, unknown people. No matter what you think about your current director, she is just a person whose approach you are interpreting as being "better" or "correct", when you don't actually know how it's received by others. Also... Remember that you got this role, the one you are currently in. Did you feel confident with your preparations and approach? If so, don't rock that boat.

I also don't get the notepad thing. I always take one, it always has stuff written on it (usually my questions to the interviewers) but no one is going to snatch it away, flip it around, to see if you've written notes for yourself. I will say that overpracticing can lend itself to your answers having a rehearsed quality, and does not help if the interviewers ask a question you didn't overpractice on, so my advice is to try to prepare/practice for a broad range of questions.

I sense that you have a lot of anxiety about work stuff and you're not alone, a lot of people do. Two things that helped me are keeping in mind that how you do in an interview vs. how you perform in a role are not necessarily related and that I am my own worst critic. You don't need to be a "as good as ____" to deserve the opportunity to interview for a new role (and if I'm not mistaken, this is your first librarian role, so you actually should be climbing the mountain at this point, not sitting atop it!) and you don't need to be the most polished-slash-dinner-party-esque intervieweee to land a new gig either. Realistically, most people will interview many, many times over their career and every interview is a chance to strengthen those skills for future use.

Oh, also, put the new outfit on when you practice! Make sure you feel comfortable in it and that you like how you appear in it before the day of.

Good luck!
posted by sm1tten at 10:02 AM on October 24, 2020

Congratulations and good luck!

I recommend this essay by Richard Nelson Bolles of 'What Color is Your Parachute' fame.

No matter how many thousands of questions an interviewer could theoretically ask you, they all boil down to just five:
1 Why are you here? (What is it about this place that attracted you?)
2 What can you do for us? (What do you have to contribute to what we do?)
3 What distinguishes you from 19 other people who can do this same job? (See your homework, above.)
4 Will you fit in? (Will you get along with, or irritate, all my other employees?)
5 Can I afford you?

If you can get a good sense of how you can answer these questions, it will help you a lot in the interview.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 7:02 PM on October 24, 2020 [5 favorites]

I think your director is only wanting the best from you, but her methods aren't particularly helpful since it's only knocking your confidence. So, assume good intentions and then ignore, and shut everyone else out as much as possible to just quietly figure out how to do this thing.

I'm generally a nervous interviewer. Preparation and memorisation absolutely helps me and since it helps you feel more confident too, carry on.

I'll also recommend the book 'Why You? 101 Interview Questions You'll Never Fear Again' by James Reed. Reading it through a couple of times (while writing out some questions/answers and practising "talking" to the hypothetical interviewers) helped me get in the right mindset to go into the interview feeling like I knew what they needed from me, and how to give it to them, as well as giving me an opportunity to practice how I could answer some other questions I might not have thought to. It did more to boost my confidence and straighten my head out than anything else, and helped me land my two most recent jobs (one of which frankly I had no business landing, heh).

Good luck!
posted by FifteenShocks at 1:28 AM on October 25, 2020