Put foot in mouth at work, now I can’t stop thinking about it. Help!
September 1, 2020 6:28 PM Subscribe
Accidentally insulted my boss today and I don’t know how to stop anxiously thinking about it.
I had a regular 1-on-1 meeting with my boss today, and was discussing some organizational issues my team is having. I said, “The big problem we have is that there’s nobody really doing X” (where X is a very important organizational task). My boss replied a bit sheepishly, “Well, I’m supposed to be doing X,” and I instantly felt myself shrivel up in embarrassment. He’s a great guy and a great boss (but spread a bit thin) so I wouldn’t have criticized him that directly if I’d realized he was the one who was supposed to have that responsibility. Now I can’t stop playing the conversation over in my head, and this is going to keep me up at night. How can I stop ruminating on this?
I had a regular 1-on-1 meeting with my boss today, and was discussing some organizational issues my team is having. I said, “The big problem we have is that there’s nobody really doing X” (where X is a very important organizational task). My boss replied a bit sheepishly, “Well, I’m supposed to be doing X,” and I instantly felt myself shrivel up in embarrassment. He’s a great guy and a great boss (but spread a bit thin) so I wouldn’t have criticized him that directly if I’d realized he was the one who was supposed to have that responsibility. Now I can’t stop playing the conversation over in my head, and this is going to keep me up at night. How can I stop ruminating on this?
Seriously though, when I heard "accidentally insulted my boss" I immediately thought of this, which, give that a read and realize how not-a-big-deal your thing was!
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:42 PM on September 1, 2020 [23 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:42 PM on September 1, 2020 [23 favorites]
As somebody who has been the "boss" in this sort of situation, seriously don't sweat this. I value feedback and if he's a great guy he probably does too -- and it sounds like he knows he's spread thin but this might help him realise that X is something that he should prioritise more. If one of my supervisees said this to me I definitely wouldn't think anything bad about them at all.
posted by forza at 6:48 PM on September 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by forza at 6:48 PM on September 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
You were acting entirely in good faith. If your boss is a good guy, I'm sure he knows this. It's too bad it was an uncomfortable moment, but you did nothing wrong, and I'm sure he's not dwelling on this.
posted by swheatie at 6:49 PM on September 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by swheatie at 6:49 PM on September 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I think you could set your mind at ease by telling him you didn't mean to insult him and think he's a great boss, but if you do, be prepared for him to ask you to do some part of this task since you see that X is a very important task and is not being performed adequately.
posted by jamjam at 7:06 PM on September 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by jamjam at 7:06 PM on September 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
Saying things like this when they need to be said is why I've been promoted.
posted by phunniemee at 7:07 PM on September 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 7:07 PM on September 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
You said something that made him demonstrate feeling shame and it triggered a shame spiral in yourself.
Spend some time thinking about shame, when you feel shame, the physical sensations of shame, how shame happens to everyone at some point and imagine yourself bathed in glowing light that washes away shame and loves you for your humanness.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:23 PM on September 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Spend some time thinking about shame, when you feel shame, the physical sensations of shame, how shame happens to everyone at some point and imagine yourself bathed in glowing light that washes away shame and loves you for your humanness.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:23 PM on September 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the reassurance, everyone. I have an extra level of anxiety about work right now because my performance lately has been poor (partially due to organizational dysfunction and pandemic stress, but also my own separate mental health issues) and my boss has talked to me a few times about it, so I have a lot of anxiety lately about every conversation I have with him.
posted by mekily at 7:29 PM on September 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by mekily at 7:29 PM on September 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
So this happens to me a lot lately, both the foot-into-mouth and the crushing anxiety over every little thing. You may not have a place to do this that is acoustically appropriate and so may have to go for a drive or do it into a pillow, but this past weekend I had to go isolate myself and just literally have a screaming cringe tantrum AND a vigorous cry AND just babble out loud how embarrassed and awkward I feel (to an audience of nobody) and just get it out, just shriek my misery out of my body at force.
It helps. I just need to get it OUT of me and let it go and then I can meditate and restore at least the facade of calm.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:10 PM on September 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
It helps. I just need to get it OUT of me and let it go and then I can meditate and restore at least the facade of calm.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:10 PM on September 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of feedback and it can be a helpful interaction- it might help your boss reevaluate the priority of that task.
Letting your boss hear the frustration isn’t always a bad thing- it is the genuine reaction of his staff to a situation he/she might be able to change.
Is there any assistance you can offer that might allow this task to get done? As long as that isn’t the only thing that you bring up at meetings, I would be ok to revisit the conversation to maybe strategize on solutions.
Just some things to consider...
posted by calgirl at 8:22 PM on September 1, 2020
Letting your boss hear the frustration isn’t always a bad thing- it is the genuine reaction of his staff to a situation he/she might be able to change.
Is there any assistance you can offer that might allow this task to get done? As long as that isn’t the only thing that you bring up at meetings, I would be ok to revisit the conversation to maybe strategize on solutions.
Just some things to consider...
posted by calgirl at 8:22 PM on September 1, 2020
Response by poster: (Last addition — I am really not capable of doing X well due to my personality type and relative inexperience. Honestly I’d love to be good at it, but it’s gonna require working through a lot of anxieties in therapy and is not gonna happen in the short term. There’s very little chance my boss will ask me to step up and do X because the areas I’m struggling most in at work are directly related to X.)
posted by mekily at 9:18 PM on September 1, 2020
posted by mekily at 9:18 PM on September 1, 2020
If this were eating at me, I’d find a light way to apologize. “Hey, I’m sorry I put my foot in it complaining about X. I certainly didn’t mean to call you out in any way and hope it wasn’t taken as such.” If you feel the need to apologize, though, make sure you keep it light—it’s likely this is only a big deal in your head, and beating yourself up to the point that they need to reassure you makes this about you, not them.
posted by estelahe at 11:23 PM on September 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by estelahe at 11:23 PM on September 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
I think you know this by now, but you're fine. Sure, that was a bit embarrassing, but given your boss's reaction and your description of him, I suspect it'll wind up having neutral-to-positive effects. Best case is he actually steps up and starts doing that part of his job.
From how you describe the situation, no follow up apology is needed -- I think it would just lead to more awkwardness. Your obvious embarrassment/cringe in the moment was all that was necessary.
I'm the type of person who would actually try to find a tactful way of telling my boss that he's spread too thin or that the balls that he's dropping are affecting the team as a whole. In some ways, the actually-innocent-then-totally-embarrassed interaction that you had with him is optimal for getting this information across. You're doing the overthinking afterwards, rather than both before and after =)
posted by Metasyntactic at 11:55 PM on September 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
From how you describe the situation, no follow up apology is needed -- I think it would just lead to more awkwardness. Your obvious embarrassment/cringe in the moment was all that was necessary.
I'm the type of person who would actually try to find a tactful way of telling my boss that he's spread too thin or that the balls that he's dropping are affecting the team as a whole. In some ways, the actually-innocent-then-totally-embarrassed interaction that you had with him is optimal for getting this information across. You're doing the overthinking afterwards, rather than both before and after =)
posted by Metasyntactic at 11:55 PM on September 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
You have my sympathy - if one of my reports did this to me I would not think a thing of it, but if I did this to my boss I would be similarly torturing myself. You're fine!
posted by ominous_paws at 4:37 AM on September 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by ominous_paws at 4:37 AM on September 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Eh, I’ve done stuff like this—I’m sure you’re fine! Boss probably knows they’ve been slacking anyway.
As an aside, when I read your title, I was trying to figure out what line of work you’re in where you’d have put your foot in your mouth! Time to take a break from hand hygiene and Covid-related reading for me, I think!
posted by stillmoving at 5:28 AM on September 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
As an aside, when I read your title, I was trying to figure out what line of work you’re in where you’d have put your foot in your mouth! Time to take a break from hand hygiene and Covid-related reading for me, I think!
posted by stillmoving at 5:28 AM on September 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Shame is often a symptom of fatigue. Get extra sleep.
Use cognitive behaviour therapy. As soon as you start ruminating actively take control of the thoughts and turn them to a different thought. You start by deciding what you are going to think about. Ideal would be a fantasy/plan about how you will turn around your work performance, making sure it is about you over achieving and impressing the boss, not more rumination about your job performance. Any displacement mental activity that makes you feel good works. If you have to stand in a corner and not think about a white bear you think like mad about orangutans or the election. You don't blank your mind.
Do something physically and mentally active. If you can, when you have the thoughts use them as a motivator to do something productive for the job, such as making phone calls, or doing a five minute push on one of those jobs that you have been procrastinating at. If you can't, at least stand up and walk around. Use the type of media that captures you.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:32 AM on September 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Use cognitive behaviour therapy. As soon as you start ruminating actively take control of the thoughts and turn them to a different thought. You start by deciding what you are going to think about. Ideal would be a fantasy/plan about how you will turn around your work performance, making sure it is about you over achieving and impressing the boss, not more rumination about your job performance. Any displacement mental activity that makes you feel good works. If you have to stand in a corner and not think about a white bear you think like mad about orangutans or the election. You don't blank your mind.
Do something physically and mentally active. If you can, when you have the thoughts use them as a motivator to do something productive for the job, such as making phone calls, or doing a five minute push on one of those jobs that you have been procrastinating at. If you can't, at least stand up and walk around. Use the type of media that captures you.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:32 AM on September 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Your reaction is coming from a place where you value your boss' happiness; you respect them and wouldn't want to do anything to hurt their feelings. That makes sense, that's what a sympathetic person does.
You answered the question from the viewpoint of an employee doing their job -- and in what seems to be a respectful way, you weren't saying "whatever idiot isn't doing X should be fired" or anything, you were pointing out a flaw in the business operation to the person who should be able to take action to fix the problem, and that's good too.
Try to backtrack your "I made them feel bad" and give more emphasis on "I stood up for the business to make it better and hopefully things will improve".
Think of things from your boss' perspective; how many times do you think they have to tell an employee something that could make the employee feel bad, in order to improve their work? Think about how the boss reacts to having to do those sort of things and try to emulate your boss' reaction, a "walk a mile in their shoes" exercise which should also remove the amount of shame you're feeling to realize that they've gone through the same thing.
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:18 AM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
You answered the question from the viewpoint of an employee doing their job -- and in what seems to be a respectful way, you weren't saying "whatever idiot isn't doing X should be fired" or anything, you were pointing out a flaw in the business operation to the person who should be able to take action to fix the problem, and that's good too.
Try to backtrack your "I made them feel bad" and give more emphasis on "I stood up for the business to make it better and hopefully things will improve".
Think of things from your boss' perspective; how many times do you think they have to tell an employee something that could make the employee feel bad, in order to improve their work? Think about how the boss reacts to having to do those sort of things and try to emulate your boss' reaction, a "walk a mile in their shoes" exercise which should also remove the amount of shame you're feeling to realize that they've gone through the same thing.
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:18 AM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'd say, if he responded sheepishly, he obviously didn't think you were having a dig at him, he realised your comment was made in all innocence (with you not knowing it was his fault specifically) and came out of you trying to problem-solve. If he'd thought you were being out of order and trying to run him down, his response would likely have been a little more defensive or abrupt.
posted by penguin pie at 7:01 AM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 7:01 AM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
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posted by showbiz_liz at 6:36 PM on September 1, 2020 [72 favorites]