room v. roommate
August 3, 2020 4:21 PM Subscribe
My friend really wants to join my other friend and I as roommates. I like them a great deal and don't know where the two of us stand as potential dating partners. How can I navigate the situation in a way that turns away disaster without turning away happiness, for everyone involved?
WRT gender dynamics, we are all queer, poly, non-binary, and in our mid-20s, so please hold off on any typically-gendered or monogamish advice :-)
My good friend (A) and I recently moved into a place with a spare room. My other good friend (B) is looking for a place to move, and asked me to let them know if I'd like them to move in, within 3 weeks. (They are the one taking the initiative, and wanted a deadline so they can get back to their current housemates.) I have known B for about 6 months. I told B that A and I are interested in having them as a housemate, but there is a chance we might prefer to keep the room empty for other uses. In fact, if it weren't B, who is someone I know and like a great deal, I wouldn't consider another person (e.g. a random person from Craigslist) as a housemate, and I would prefer to keep the room for storage space.
I also feel like there is potentially some kind of spark between me and B, but we certainly haven't discussed it. (We've hung out several times 1-1, talked about pretty intimate topics, invited each other to gatherings, etc.) I have a mild crush on them and would date them if they made the first move but I would also be happy as close friends. I have done a lot of co-op / co-ed / communal living and can both manage my own feelings and communicate clearly about others'. (I certainly don't want to affect A's comfort in the living situation, and I feel confident that B will be comfortable no matter what.) I would normally have asked B out earlier, but the timing seems awful right now, given my swampedness with work, and B's going through another large relationship breakup. I would not be super hung up on a rejection from B, as I know they are poly and have other partners. It may also be that since B is asking about being roommates with me, that they don't see me as a potential partner in the first place. On the other hand, if B develops an interest in me that I realize I don't share, I would be annoyed as I'm usually pretty solo/independent.
Another factor is that during COVID, I think all parties are looking to live in a place with good friends (i.e. a "COVID pod"). We all share a lot of common interests and values and I think would make amazing housemates! (B has expressed strong interest in the vibe I'm trying to create at the place.) I think it would be a shame to throw away the chance at a really fulfilling friendship, especially when social distancing makes it hard to see even friends who live in different parts of the same city, as B currently does. But also during COVID, if something goes awry relationship-wise, the situation makes it hard for people to move out if needed. I certainly do not want to move out, as I really like everything about this place and value my relationship with A.
Basically, I fear both being overly cautious (turning away a large chance at mutual happiness and fulfillment) and being overly sanguine (steering toward a rare disaster at a time when it's especially hard to recover from mistakes). I need more information. How to communicate clearly and compassionately? Here are some options:
1. Say to B, "hey sorry, we decided to keep the room open for storage, nothing personal but we'd love to have you over for dinner parties!" i.e. Make the decision and maybe ask them out separately when the timing is better.
2. Say to B, "hey, would love to have you as a roommate!" Do not overcommunicate on a meta-level about relationship; just see what develops after they move in (and do not expect anything beyond friendship).
3. Say to B, "hey sorry, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to live together because I'm kind of into you, but let me know if you want to go on a date sometime!" That is, make a different offer.
4. Say to B, "hey, would you be open to talking about us first, before figuring out the roommates thing? Does it feel like we have a strictly-friends vibe in this relationship, and how do you feel about keeping it that way indefinitely?" Instead of making a decision on my own, give B more of a say in negotiating the relationship.
5. Some other option (i.e. asking a mutual friend, of which we have several)?
WRT gender dynamics, we are all queer, poly, non-binary, and in our mid-20s, so please hold off on any typically-gendered or monogamish advice :-)
My good friend (A) and I recently moved into a place with a spare room. My other good friend (B) is looking for a place to move, and asked me to let them know if I'd like them to move in, within 3 weeks. (They are the one taking the initiative, and wanted a deadline so they can get back to their current housemates.) I have known B for about 6 months. I told B that A and I are interested in having them as a housemate, but there is a chance we might prefer to keep the room empty for other uses. In fact, if it weren't B, who is someone I know and like a great deal, I wouldn't consider another person (e.g. a random person from Craigslist) as a housemate, and I would prefer to keep the room for storage space.
I also feel like there is potentially some kind of spark between me and B, but we certainly haven't discussed it. (We've hung out several times 1-1, talked about pretty intimate topics, invited each other to gatherings, etc.) I have a mild crush on them and would date them if they made the first move but I would also be happy as close friends. I have done a lot of co-op / co-ed / communal living and can both manage my own feelings and communicate clearly about others'. (I certainly don't want to affect A's comfort in the living situation, and I feel confident that B will be comfortable no matter what.) I would normally have asked B out earlier, but the timing seems awful right now, given my swampedness with work, and B's going through another large relationship breakup. I would not be super hung up on a rejection from B, as I know they are poly and have other partners. It may also be that since B is asking about being roommates with me, that they don't see me as a potential partner in the first place. On the other hand, if B develops an interest in me that I realize I don't share, I would be annoyed as I'm usually pretty solo/independent.
Another factor is that during COVID, I think all parties are looking to live in a place with good friends (i.e. a "COVID pod"). We all share a lot of common interests and values and I think would make amazing housemates! (B has expressed strong interest in the vibe I'm trying to create at the place.) I think it would be a shame to throw away the chance at a really fulfilling friendship, especially when social distancing makes it hard to see even friends who live in different parts of the same city, as B currently does. But also during COVID, if something goes awry relationship-wise, the situation makes it hard for people to move out if needed. I certainly do not want to move out, as I really like everything about this place and value my relationship with A.
Basically, I fear both being overly cautious (turning away a large chance at mutual happiness and fulfillment) and being overly sanguine (steering toward a rare disaster at a time when it's especially hard to recover from mistakes). I need more information. How to communicate clearly and compassionately? Here are some options:
1. Say to B, "hey sorry, we decided to keep the room open for storage, nothing personal but we'd love to have you over for dinner parties!" i.e. Make the decision and maybe ask them out separately when the timing is better.
2. Say to B, "hey, would love to have you as a roommate!" Do not overcommunicate on a meta-level about relationship; just see what develops after they move in (and do not expect anything beyond friendship).
3. Say to B, "hey sorry, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to live together because I'm kind of into you, but let me know if you want to go on a date sometime!" That is, make a different offer.
4. Say to B, "hey, would you be open to talking about us first, before figuring out the roommates thing? Does it feel like we have a strictly-friends vibe in this relationship, and how do you feel about keeping it that way indefinitely?" Instead of making a decision on my own, give B more of a say in negotiating the relationship.
5. Some other option (i.e. asking a mutual friend, of which we have several)?
4. Say to B, "hey, would you be open to talking about us first, before figuring out the roommates thing? Does it feel like we have a strictly-friends vibe in this relationship, and how do you feel about keeping it that way indefinitely?" Instead of making a decision on my own, give B more of a say in negotiating the relationship.
This, but own it, and don't put it on them to say if they like you or when you haven't put yourself out there.
"Hey B, I think you're pretty great, and I think we could be great housemates. I also have felt a bit of spark between us and have a bit of a crush on you. I like you and wonder if you'd like to go on a date. I wanted to talk about this before we addressed the roommate situation."
posted by bluedaisy at 4:51 PM on August 3, 2020 [11 favorites]
This, but own it, and don't put it on them to say if they like you or when you haven't put yourself out there.
"Hey B, I think you're pretty great, and I think we could be great housemates. I also have felt a bit of spark between us and have a bit of a crush on you. I like you and wonder if you'd like to go on a date. I wanted to talk about this before we addressed the roommate situation."
posted by bluedaisy at 4:51 PM on August 3, 2020 [11 favorites]
(Oh, just realized this is different version of 3, so 3 and 4 combined!)
posted by bluedaisy at 4:53 PM on August 3, 2020
posted by bluedaisy at 4:53 PM on August 3, 2020
4 seems like an excellent option.
posted by shadygrove at 4:55 PM on August 3, 2020
posted by shadygrove at 4:55 PM on August 3, 2020
2. Say to B, "hey, would love to have you as a roommate!" Do not overcommunicate on a meta-level about relationship; just see what develops after they move in commit to not sharing your feelings or pursuing them until COVID has largely faded so that nobody is being held hostage.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:29 PM on August 3, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:29 PM on August 3, 2020 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Don’t live with someone you have a crush on. Ask them out.
Source: I’m 40.
posted by Automocar at 6:47 PM on August 3, 2020 [20 favorites]
Source: I’m 40.
posted by Automocar at 6:47 PM on August 3, 2020 [20 favorites]
My first pair of roommates did this - moved in together with me despite feeling a spark, and then briefly became a couple, and then had a shitty breakup- and it sucked; literally every day of it sucked for me and most of it sucked for them, too.
Now to be fair our situation was a bit different in that we were all presenting as heterosexual and the guy and girl had different expectations around monogamy — but unless you’re all planning to get together in a triad I think monogamous dynamics still apply to your situation to some extent. If anything I think being poly may make it less likely to work because there are just more variables and even better communication is required.
My takeaway was, date then move in.
Don’t move in; then date- that’s backwards!
And don’t assume you can live with someone you have a huge crush on and it won’t essentially be like dating.
To me it’s just too much emotional lability, too close to home.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:51 PM on August 3, 2020 [4 favorites]
Now to be fair our situation was a bit different in that we were all presenting as heterosexual and the guy and girl had different expectations around monogamy — but unless you’re all planning to get together in a triad I think monogamous dynamics still apply to your situation to some extent. If anything I think being poly may make it less likely to work because there are just more variables and even better communication is required.
My takeaway was, date then move in.
Don’t move in; then date- that’s backwards!
And don’t assume you can live with someone you have a huge crush on and it won’t essentially be like dating.
To me it’s just too much emotional lability, too close to home.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:51 PM on August 3, 2020 [4 favorites]
I second 4-and-own-it. Anything else isn't giving them room to have agency in the situation and that's setting everyone up for failure. And then A gets to have a vote about how they feel having someone as a roommate that may be hooking up with their other roommate, because that is not what they initially signed on for.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:59 AM on August 4, 2020
posted by restless_nomad at 7:59 AM on August 4, 2020
Best answer: if it weren't B, who is someone I know and like a great deal, I wouldn't consider another person (e.g. a random person from Craigslist) as a housemate, and I would prefer to keep the room for storage space.
Poly person here. I vote Door number 1 because apparently you would prefer to keep the room for storage, assuming that housemate A is OK with that. Choosing to do what you would actually prefer does not mean you are saying no to happiness and fulfillment in the future. It means you are saying yes to what you want right now and leaving the door open for future adventures with B in a form as yet to be determined by you and B.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:20 PM on August 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
Poly person here. I vote Door number 1 because apparently you would prefer to keep the room for storage, assuming that housemate A is OK with that. Choosing to do what you would actually prefer does not mean you are saying no to happiness and fulfillment in the future. It means you are saying yes to what you want right now and leaving the door open for future adventures with B in a form as yet to be determined by you and B.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:20 PM on August 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: For reasons of comfort as well as safety reasons, I'd limit the household to 2 people. 3 people negotiating being at home most of the time during COVID and negotiating space in the kitchen and bathroom and common spaces is much harder than 2 people doing the same. Also, given that you're all poly, you could potentially want to be seeing partners and that brings an extra level of risk to a household during COVID adn adding another person and adding another set of partners could really expand how many people you all are exposed to, COVID-wise.
Having an extra room for home office or storage or to create another living space sounds like a lovely thing to have during a time when we're all at home for most of our time.
posted by quince at 12:36 PM on August 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
Having an extra room for home office or storage or to create another living space sounds like a lovely thing to have during a time when we're all at home for most of our time.
posted by quince at 12:36 PM on August 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brookeb at 4:42 PM on August 3, 2020 [1 favorite]