Negotiationg group dynamics
July 12, 2020 5:06 PM Subscribe
In one of those interpersonal dynamics that makes me question my sanity, would love feedback. This is about work as a member of a political group.
I have to be vague sorry: I am involved in a political project that is long term, impacts my well being directly, and involves lots of other people with a very wide range of personalities, cultural backgrounds, political analysis, and also level of investment in the project. These folks are also directly impacted by the outcomes of this work.
We have a board that is roughly in charge of major decisions but there are lots of other nodes of formal and informal power in the group, things tend to run a little chaotic, and there's generally the opportunity for anyone to get involved and do more if they want to. I'm not on the board (in future I will probably run) because historically they did little, now they do more, but before I could access folks with power and share my ideas for projects easily since there was a vacuum. My ideas were previously welcomed by all to the extent people noticed, and I collaborated quite closely with the head of the board to create initiatives and complete them together. For a little while this person called me for advice and ideas and supported me when I initiated new projects. In fact, I started a big project and had this person's support as well as the support of other leaders to make this happen. I also just do a fair amount of random work that folks aren't necessarily aware of... just stuff that needs to get done to make us successful and functional
Over a long period this particular leader - the head of the board - slowly stopped returning my calls. The board started to step up and take more ownership of things and a couple of them don't like me. No one has ever directly told me that I had made them mad or why even when I brought up the question with them directly or with allies who confirmed that a couple people don't like me but didn't say why. This was a painful episode to me and had some high school vibes where there was a small group who noticeably started icing me. This is now fairly chill, I'm sometimes in meetings with these folks and it's not a big deal but those relationships haven't really recovered.
I still spend tons of time working on this big picture project, but I no longer receive invites to meetings, or crucially, any call backs from the head of the board. I have tried a couple times over a few months to bring this up and they have acted like nothing is wrong. When I ask about how to fix my dynamic with the other folks that iced me, this person says their philosophy is best not to try to talk about this stuff directly. So I assume they too do not want to talk to me directly. This person ultimately makes big decisions and influences the direction of other board members. They have the ability to impact the other members quite strongly.
The fact that no one has ever explained to me what the hell I did wrong is really tough for me. And whatever the intent, this group of board members including the head of the board have isolated me from meaningful involvement.. I don't even know when events are happening that I could participate in in a purely supportive way (think tabling instead of deciding policy).
Scenarios that might be true?
1) I am just actually annoying and no one wants to work with me. I should back off and drop it. Maybe? But in other parts of my life I have a group of loyal friends and also participate in other political projects that have nothing of this dynamic and I seem to be valued. I also receive positive feedback in my job. So I think I can't be someone who is just really hard to be around?
2) This person - head of board - and the others who have iced me are just being jerks or avoidant or not even registering their impact? Definitely all possible. If so, is there some way for me to impact their behavior or work around them to reconnect to the project?
3) Some other scenario?
My wish is to get back 'in the loop' to at minimum be invited when tehre's work to be done. Eventually I can run for board and have more legitimacy. I keep composing a letter to the head of board who previously was my ally and co-conspirator, but I haven't hit send...
Suggestions welcome although I fear you will advise me to just drop out for a while. I'm open to that but it's my last choice. While I could drop out, I can't get away from the people or the issues and the outcome of this work impacts my life materially and in the short and long term.
I have to be vague sorry: I am involved in a political project that is long term, impacts my well being directly, and involves lots of other people with a very wide range of personalities, cultural backgrounds, political analysis, and also level of investment in the project. These folks are also directly impacted by the outcomes of this work.
We have a board that is roughly in charge of major decisions but there are lots of other nodes of formal and informal power in the group, things tend to run a little chaotic, and there's generally the opportunity for anyone to get involved and do more if they want to. I'm not on the board (in future I will probably run) because historically they did little, now they do more, but before I could access folks with power and share my ideas for projects easily since there was a vacuum. My ideas were previously welcomed by all to the extent people noticed, and I collaborated quite closely with the head of the board to create initiatives and complete them together. For a little while this person called me for advice and ideas and supported me when I initiated new projects. In fact, I started a big project and had this person's support as well as the support of other leaders to make this happen. I also just do a fair amount of random work that folks aren't necessarily aware of... just stuff that needs to get done to make us successful and functional
Over a long period this particular leader - the head of the board - slowly stopped returning my calls. The board started to step up and take more ownership of things and a couple of them don't like me. No one has ever directly told me that I had made them mad or why even when I brought up the question with them directly or with allies who confirmed that a couple people don't like me but didn't say why. This was a painful episode to me and had some high school vibes where there was a small group who noticeably started icing me. This is now fairly chill, I'm sometimes in meetings with these folks and it's not a big deal but those relationships haven't really recovered.
I still spend tons of time working on this big picture project, but I no longer receive invites to meetings, or crucially, any call backs from the head of the board. I have tried a couple times over a few months to bring this up and they have acted like nothing is wrong. When I ask about how to fix my dynamic with the other folks that iced me, this person says their philosophy is best not to try to talk about this stuff directly. So I assume they too do not want to talk to me directly. This person ultimately makes big decisions and influences the direction of other board members. They have the ability to impact the other members quite strongly.
The fact that no one has ever explained to me what the hell I did wrong is really tough for me. And whatever the intent, this group of board members including the head of the board have isolated me from meaningful involvement.. I don't even know when events are happening that I could participate in in a purely supportive way (think tabling instead of deciding policy).
Scenarios that might be true?
1) I am just actually annoying and no one wants to work with me. I should back off and drop it. Maybe? But in other parts of my life I have a group of loyal friends and also participate in other political projects that have nothing of this dynamic and I seem to be valued. I also receive positive feedback in my job. So I think I can't be someone who is just really hard to be around?
2) This person - head of board - and the others who have iced me are just being jerks or avoidant or not even registering their impact? Definitely all possible. If so, is there some way for me to impact their behavior or work around them to reconnect to the project?
3) Some other scenario?
My wish is to get back 'in the loop' to at minimum be invited when tehre's work to be done. Eventually I can run for board and have more legitimacy. I keep composing a letter to the head of board who previously was my ally and co-conspirator, but I haven't hit send...
Suggestions welcome although I fear you will advise me to just drop out for a while. I'm open to that but it's my last choice. While I could drop out, I can't get away from the people or the issues and the outcome of this work impacts my life materially and in the short and long term.
Ouch, this kind of sucks and you have all my sympathies.
Based only on what you've written here, it does sound like something has changed, but it may or may not be something directly about you (or at least not about something you've done wrong). It could be that the head of the board was told that they shouldn't be listening so much to somebody not on the board, or everyone involved is pulling back on everything because of covid and life stuff, or everyone on the board is engaged in a bunch of fighting with each other and thus closing ranks.... or or or or. Basically it could be anything. Which I know you know and I know is part of the sense of frustration, but I hope you can internalise this a bit as at least possibly not being actually about you.
As for what you can do, I see two options only unfortunately.
1. If you know someone on the board (not the head) who you think might be sympathetic and know more, you can ask them what has happened. Key to making this work is that they have to trust that whatever they tell you isn't going to come back to hurt them, i.e., you might have to promise that you're not going to take that info and use it to try to be on the board or whatever. But this might be a way to actually at least know what happened, which it sounds like is part of what you want even if you can't change it.
2. If you have no way "in" like this, then I think what you need to do is -- not drop it, but do your own thing with your head held high. Basically, play the long game. Don't drop out of the organisation entirely, but stop trying to directly get back into the board and stay in the loop, at least in the immediate term. For now, prove yourself to be a useful ally and someone they want to hear from and involve. Kick ass and be awesome. This is hard and will suck, but the plus of it is that it will also put you into a better place for when you run for the board. And you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did your best.
posted by forza at 5:36 PM on July 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Based only on what you've written here, it does sound like something has changed, but it may or may not be something directly about you (or at least not about something you've done wrong). It could be that the head of the board was told that they shouldn't be listening so much to somebody not on the board, or everyone involved is pulling back on everything because of covid and life stuff, or everyone on the board is engaged in a bunch of fighting with each other and thus closing ranks.... or or or or. Basically it could be anything. Which I know you know and I know is part of the sense of frustration, but I hope you can internalise this a bit as at least possibly not being actually about you.
As for what you can do, I see two options only unfortunately.
1. If you know someone on the board (not the head) who you think might be sympathetic and know more, you can ask them what has happened. Key to making this work is that they have to trust that whatever they tell you isn't going to come back to hurt them, i.e., you might have to promise that you're not going to take that info and use it to try to be on the board or whatever. But this might be a way to actually at least know what happened, which it sounds like is part of what you want even if you can't change it.
2. If you have no way "in" like this, then I think what you need to do is -- not drop it, but do your own thing with your head held high. Basically, play the long game. Don't drop out of the organisation entirely, but stop trying to directly get back into the board and stay in the loop, at least in the immediate term. For now, prove yourself to be a useful ally and someone they want to hear from and involve. Kick ass and be awesome. This is hard and will suck, but the plus of it is that it will also put you into a better place for when you run for the board. And you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did your best.
posted by forza at 5:36 PM on July 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
It could be that the head of the board was told that they shouldn't be listening so much to somebody not on the board
This was my first thought as well.
posted by sallybrown at 5:42 PM on July 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
This was my first thought as well.
posted by sallybrown at 5:42 PM on July 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
My day job involves chairing a large and dysfunctional board, and my first thought was that as suggested above, your chair has been criticized for paying too much attention to someone outside the official group. If the board has just started to become more effective, they could be more aware of their fiduciary duties and concerned about maintaining oversight and responsibility. Your chair might not want to discourage them from becoming more engaged.
Without knowing the personalities involved, it's hard to say whether pushing for a conversation would make things better or worse. Your chair might not want--or be able--to explain the political dynamics and trying to make them spell things out could make them more uncomfortable with you.
In your shoes, I would suggest focussing on your big project for now and letting the other stuff play out. It sounds like you were doing a lot of work and that will be missed in the longer term, so there will be an incentive for your chair to reach out to you. If there's also a chance to run for the board in the foreseeable future, that would be a good way of stabilizing your situation.
posted by rpfields at 7:17 PM on July 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Without knowing the personalities involved, it's hard to say whether pushing for a conversation would make things better or worse. Your chair might not want--or be able--to explain the political dynamics and trying to make them spell things out could make them more uncomfortable with you.
In your shoes, I would suggest focussing on your big project for now and letting the other stuff play out. It sounds like you were doing a lot of work and that will be missed in the longer term, so there will be an incentive for your chair to reach out to you. If there's also a chance to run for the board in the foreseeable future, that would be a good way of stabilizing your situation.
posted by rpfields at 7:17 PM on July 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
To me it sounds like there was a power vacuum in the organization and you stepped in to unofficially fill it. Then the organization started to fill that vacuum officially and pushed you back out.
I think you have three choices:
It sounds like you’re ready to give option two a go and you can start building the framework right now by offloading some work from people you’ll need support from. That should at least get you back to doing something positive for the organization while you wait.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:24 PM on July 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
I think you have three choices:
- Hang around until the organization goes through another cycle where there is room for you to assume some unofficial power.
- Pursue official power in the organization. Become a board member or some such.
- Punt and find a new organization that actually is organized and likely to stay that way.
It sounds like you’re ready to give option two a go and you can start building the framework right now by offloading some work from people you’ll need support from. That should at least get you back to doing something positive for the organization while you wait.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:24 PM on July 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm a board officer. A situation where a non-board member "collaborated quite closely with the head of the board to create initiatives and complete them together" would have been considered totally inappropriate and a problem to be solved.
There are reasons why board members are listed in a nonprofit's records. The people creating and completing initiatives need to be people that have a fiduciary responsibility to the organization. They are usually elected, either by the voting members of the organization or by the board itself -- in any case, they don't just self-appoint.
If you want to be in a leadership position in this org, get yourself employed by them or get yourself on the board, with all the responsibility that entails. It was inappropriate for them to have let the prior situation develop, and they're doing the right thing now by stepping up to do the leadership work themselves and leave non-board members out of it.
If you don't want to do that, and you do want to continue volunteering, it sounds like it'll be in less strategic ways, and more about carrying out orders, not giving them.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:36 PM on July 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
There are reasons why board members are listed in a nonprofit's records. The people creating and completing initiatives need to be people that have a fiduciary responsibility to the organization. They are usually elected, either by the voting members of the organization or by the board itself -- in any case, they don't just self-appoint.
If you want to be in a leadership position in this org, get yourself employed by them or get yourself on the board, with all the responsibility that entails. It was inappropriate for them to have let the prior situation develop, and they're doing the right thing now by stepping up to do the leadership work themselves and leave non-board members out of it.
If you don't want to do that, and you do want to continue volunteering, it sounds like it'll be in less strategic ways, and more about carrying out orders, not giving them.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:36 PM on July 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
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I would have an intimate one-on-one conversation outside of a work context. Offer to meet in a park somewhere, or have a casual conversation over zoom. I feel like maybe the work relationship isnt substantiated enough by the personal relationship? I’d send an email something like:
“Hey xxx,
I hope you’ve been well. I’ve always appreciated working on X together and was thinking fondly about it.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little tension or misunderstanding between us and wanted to ask - would you like to catch up informally about it? We could meet in the park or have a zoom catch up. Let me know! It would be great to talk again.
Best,
xxx”
posted by suedehead at 5:29 PM on July 12, 2020