How do I get my self-control back?
June 10, 2020 2:27 AM Subscribe
I seem to have lost my ability to delay gratification. I used to be quite disciplined - I had no problems working on my goals, sticking to a diet or keeping up an exercise regimen. But for the last couple of years, I am less and less willing/able to do hard things, even when I want them. Help pls?
I would say it's related to everything happening right now, but it's been going on longer than that. It has become especially egregious in the times of the Quarantine, when I made a lot of quite unnecessary online purchases, ate everything in sight and didn't cross off a single item on my todo list. Life is mostly back to normal where I live, but my need for instant gratification hasn't gone back to normal. I rationalize and make up arguments why I *really* need to buy something or why a task isn't that important anyway. The end result is that I'm poorer, less healthy and not getting closer to my goals. Do you have any ideas on how to change this?
I would say it's related to everything happening right now, but it's been going on longer than that. It has become especially egregious in the times of the Quarantine, when I made a lot of quite unnecessary online purchases, ate everything in sight and didn't cross off a single item on my todo list. Life is mostly back to normal where I live, but my need for instant gratification hasn't gone back to normal. I rationalize and make up arguments why I *really* need to buy something or why a task isn't that important anyway. The end result is that I'm poorer, less healthy and not getting closer to my goals. Do you have any ideas on how to change this?
Do you have any ideas on how to change this?
Try to figure out where this is coming from, maybe through therapy.
FWIW, I have a harder time with self-discipline when I'm unhappy in general and when I have difficulty believing that it really will help me achieve my goals - and that those goals are really worth achieving.
posted by trig at 3:18 AM on June 10, 2020 [20 favorites]
Try to figure out where this is coming from, maybe through therapy.
FWIW, I have a harder time with self-discipline when I'm unhappy in general and when I have difficulty believing that it really will help me achieve my goals - and that those goals are really worth achieving.
posted by trig at 3:18 AM on June 10, 2020 [20 favorites]
A conversation some time ago with a supervisor made me angry at the time, but in retrospect is one of the most important things anyone ever told me: "It's not that you can't do [X thing which intimidated me], it's that you don't want to."
At the time I understood that as "you're lying/just lazy" but what they really meant was: "you're capable, but you're not motivated enough yet to overcome your discomfort".
Usually when I'm not working on something I know I really ought to (organizing my files, cleaning the bathroom floor, working out) I know I need to step back and think about why I'm really doing those things. "I should" or "because I'm disgusting" don't really work because they're extrinsic: the people I don't want to see my catastrophic kitchen table or flabby calves aren't there when I'm sitting on the couch at 10 pm trying to force mself to do whatever task I've been putting off. "Mess stresses me out" and "I want to still be able to climb stairs when I'm old" are more effective because they don't depend on others' reactions and I can track progress on that in real time (ok the stairs-as-an-old-lady thing takes a lot longer but I do notice how winded I am after climbing at times when I'm running regularly vs not).
In short, I would suggest finding sources of motivation related to you looking out for you: when you hit a rough patch financially, skipping the umpteenth piece of cool camping gear (or whatever) will help ensure you can pull through; when you're feeling bad about how you look, exercising consistently will allow you to still have pride in how you take care of your body.
posted by peakes at 4:28 AM on June 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
At the time I understood that as "you're lying/just lazy" but what they really meant was: "you're capable, but you're not motivated enough yet to overcome your discomfort".
Usually when I'm not working on something I know I really ought to (organizing my files, cleaning the bathroom floor, working out) I know I need to step back and think about why I'm really doing those things. "I should" or "because I'm disgusting" don't really work because they're extrinsic: the people I don't want to see my catastrophic kitchen table or flabby calves aren't there when I'm sitting on the couch at 10 pm trying to force mself to do whatever task I've been putting off. "Mess stresses me out" and "I want to still be able to climb stairs when I'm old" are more effective because they don't depend on others' reactions and I can track progress on that in real time (ok the stairs-as-an-old-lady thing takes a lot longer but I do notice how winded I am after climbing at times when I'm running regularly vs not).
In short, I would suggest finding sources of motivation related to you looking out for you: when you hit a rough patch financially, skipping the umpteenth piece of cool camping gear (or whatever) will help ensure you can pull through; when you're feeling bad about how you look, exercising consistently will allow you to still have pride in how you take care of your body.
posted by peakes at 4:28 AM on June 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
ETA: NOT saying everyone needs to work out strenuously to properly take care of their body or deserve to feel good about it, because fuck diet culture, just trying to respond to OP's specific question.
posted by peakes at 4:31 AM on June 10, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by peakes at 4:31 AM on June 10, 2020 [7 favorites]
I can trace almost every aspect of my personal ability to deal (manifested as being easy on myself above all else) back to November 9, 2016. Perhaps you have a similar trauma.
I've been getting things back together somewhat in the last year, but only by framing things as steps on a path to making my life nicer for myself. (For instance, I'm finally buying a house, which is something that old me had planned to do in early 2017.)
posted by phunniemee at 4:49 AM on June 10, 2020 [24 favorites]
I've been getting things back together somewhat in the last year, but only by framing things as steps on a path to making my life nicer for myself. (For instance, I'm finally buying a house, which is something that old me had planned to do in early 2017.)
posted by phunniemee at 4:49 AM on June 10, 2020 [24 favorites]
Acting that way comes from a scarcity mindset for me. If I think that I’ll never be able to buy those shorts or get peanut M&Ms again I feel like I need to buy all the things and eat them to because it might not ever happen again (even if that’s not true at all).
When I feel safe and secure those behaviors quickly fall away for me.
posted by raccoon409 at 5:14 AM on June 10, 2020 [11 favorites]
When I feel safe and secure those behaviors quickly fall away for me.
posted by raccoon409 at 5:14 AM on June 10, 2020 [11 favorites]
Are you sure your previous self-control was healthy, or was it more like forcing/bullying yourself into compliance? I used to have "fantastic" self-control, willpower, motivation etc. because I came from an abusive background with ultra-high expectations, which my parents did such a good job of imprinting on me that I became my own default taskmaster as soon as I moved out of their house. I could force myself to do anything, no matter the cost to myself, and used to feel superior to people with what I perceived as weaker/less rigid internal motivation structures.
Obviously that wasn't sustainable, and I crashed hard in my mid-20s and did basically nothing with my spare time apart from weed and video games. I also did a ton of therapy during that period to start dragging myself out of the hole I'd landed in and begin to unpick what went wrong in my childhood, why, and what I could do for myself to build healthier patterns in the future.
If you just can't when you always could before, I'd suggest spending time thinking hard about what's not working in your life at the moment, and what's situational (don't underestimate the compound stress of the last few years of global politics, plus the pandemic, plus the current moment around systemic racism & inequality, and how exhausting it can be to live through this kind of time even if you've not been severely personally impacted) vs what's about you as a person. Make a list of whatever isn't quite right and use that list to figure out small steps or actions you can take to address the things you can control and reduce the impact of the things you can't control.
The other thing I'd suggest is not to underestimate how much true rest a burnt-out mind and body can absorb, and how helpful it can be. I can't find sources right now but I've seen a lot on social media lately about the capitalist ideas that the body and self are infinitely perfectible projects that individuals have a duty to perform continuous improvement on, and the fact that we can make a choice to resist those messages if they're not healthy for us. I've personally found it helpful to remove the pressure for my life and self and physical form to be endless improvement projects, that it's okay to just be sometimes without constantly looking forward.
posted by terretu at 5:17 AM on June 10, 2020 [39 favorites]
Obviously that wasn't sustainable, and I crashed hard in my mid-20s and did basically nothing with my spare time apart from weed and video games. I also did a ton of therapy during that period to start dragging myself out of the hole I'd landed in and begin to unpick what went wrong in my childhood, why, and what I could do for myself to build healthier patterns in the future.
If you just can't when you always could before, I'd suggest spending time thinking hard about what's not working in your life at the moment, and what's situational (don't underestimate the compound stress of the last few years of global politics, plus the pandemic, plus the current moment around systemic racism & inequality, and how exhausting it can be to live through this kind of time even if you've not been severely personally impacted) vs what's about you as a person. Make a list of whatever isn't quite right and use that list to figure out small steps or actions you can take to address the things you can control and reduce the impact of the things you can't control.
The other thing I'd suggest is not to underestimate how much true rest a burnt-out mind and body can absorb, and how helpful it can be. I can't find sources right now but I've seen a lot on social media lately about the capitalist ideas that the body and self are infinitely perfectible projects that individuals have a duty to perform continuous improvement on, and the fact that we can make a choice to resist those messages if they're not healthy for us. I've personally found it helpful to remove the pressure for my life and self and physical form to be endless improvement projects, that it's okay to just be sometimes without constantly looking forward.
posted by terretu at 5:17 AM on June 10, 2020 [39 favorites]
Something I've found helpful is the Immunity to Change framework - here's a video intro [14 mins] - and if you google "immunity to change worksheet" you'll get some resources.
I also find the Pomodoro technique super useful - I was putting off a task all weekend when I happened to have a timer set for 9 minutes (for cooking), I told myself I'd use the 9 minutes to work on the task - got it done in 6.
Another tool/trick I use is the Reverse To-Do list, which I use via the IDoneThis app. The Tiny Habits methodology is easy to learn and try out, too.
Those are tools for getting stuff done that require what we think of as "willpower", but I've personally never found it a useful concept, except for making me feel awful about myself. Set up some positive reinforcement for sticking to things, not negative, and be easy on yourself. Whether willpower exists or not is a controversial subject, but I personally prefer to pretend that it doesn't and focus on what does work for me.
posted by Gin and Broadband at 5:54 AM on June 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
I also find the Pomodoro technique super useful - I was putting off a task all weekend when I happened to have a timer set for 9 minutes (for cooking), I told myself I'd use the 9 minutes to work on the task - got it done in 6.
Another tool/trick I use is the Reverse To-Do list, which I use via the IDoneThis app. The Tiny Habits methodology is easy to learn and try out, too.
Those are tools for getting stuff done that require what we think of as "willpower", but I've personally never found it a useful concept, except for making me feel awful about myself. Set up some positive reinforcement for sticking to things, not negative, and be easy on yourself. Whether willpower exists or not is a controversial subject, but I personally prefer to pretend that it doesn't and focus on what does work for me.
posted by Gin and Broadband at 5:54 AM on June 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
I've been working on this as well. I worked with a lifestyle coach a few years ago, and one thing he taught me is that if I cannot achieve a habit goal, it's too hard and I need to make it easier. Can't practice the piano for half an hour? Do fifteen minutes or ten or five or one. One minute too hard? Change the goal to sitting down at the piano and doing nothing. Make the goal as small as you need it to be until it's really no big deal to do.
posted by FencingGal at 6:22 AM on June 10, 2020 [26 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 6:22 AM on June 10, 2020 [26 favorites]
I can’t answer your larger question (and I’m eagerly reading the replies) but I wanted to mention that virtually everyone underestimates the amount of stress the Covid situation has put on them. Virtually no one got anything done during quarantine, so you probably don’t want to consider your behavior there as part of the bigger issue.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:25 AM on June 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:25 AM on June 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
I think this is in line with the above suggestion of mindfulness, but having a second to think about "what do I actually want?" - and framing it that way, and honestly asking it that way - has been really helpful for me. Hey, I'm an hour into playing mindless phone games and probably will continue all evening. If I can get up for air and ask, "Hey, I'm probably going to do this all evening and I'm feeling kind of meh. Was there something else I wanted to do?" Then I remember my sister sent me an email I wanted to reply to, and that I will be really happy if I make some progress on my painting, and...
But you have to be not judgy of yourself about it. Which is really hard for some of us! See if you can honestly ask and answer the question with *want* - what sounds nice, when you think about it? - and not with *should*.
posted by Lady Li at 8:58 AM on June 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
But you have to be not judgy of yourself about it. Which is really hard for some of us! See if you can honestly ask and answer the question with *want* - what sounds nice, when you think about it? - and not with *should*.
posted by Lady Li at 8:58 AM on June 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
How much time have you been spending on the internet? I've noticed the more time I let myself spend on the internet, the shorter my attention span gets and the less will I have to accomplish anything, because I can't handle anything less than instant gratification. Try blocking your web browsers for a week or so and see if anything improves.
posted by Jess the Mess at 11:58 AM on June 10, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by Jess the Mess at 11:58 AM on June 10, 2020 [5 favorites]
I find it’s less about building an inner self-control than it is about making stuff I don’t want to do more difficult and making stuff I do want to do easier. Work with the self-control you have, you know?
Put some hurdles in between you and the behavior you want to reduce. So, for example, if your buying was made easier by using saved credit card numbers in your phone, see if you can make it so that you have to get up and go get your wallet every time you want to make a purchase. For me personally, it’s much easier not to buy unhealthy food at the grocery store than it is not to eat it or to ration it once it’s in my house. I deleted food delivery apps and instagram off my phone for the same reason.
And make it easier to tackle the good behavior you want to do. Maybe the idea of a 45 minute exercise class on YouTube is too much, so do a 15 minute one. You can always repeat it or do another one. Get dressed in the morning in your workout clothes so you don’t have the additional work of having to change. Etc.
posted by sallybrown at 12:35 PM on June 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
Put some hurdles in between you and the behavior you want to reduce. So, for example, if your buying was made easier by using saved credit card numbers in your phone, see if you can make it so that you have to get up and go get your wallet every time you want to make a purchase. For me personally, it’s much easier not to buy unhealthy food at the grocery store than it is not to eat it or to ration it once it’s in my house. I deleted food delivery apps and instagram off my phone for the same reason.
And make it easier to tackle the good behavior you want to do. Maybe the idea of a 45 minute exercise class on YouTube is too much, so do a 15 minute one. You can always repeat it or do another one. Get dressed in the morning in your workout clothes so you don’t have the additional work of having to change. Etc.
posted by sallybrown at 12:35 PM on June 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
The capacity for self discipline and denial is limited, and stress reduces it. So I'd look at how to reduce your stress, how to restore your peace of mind (there is research showing that time in nature helps), and how to ration it for where you need it (like reducing your demands on yourself, and like not buying the cupcakes in the first place so you don't have to say No to yourself ten times a day).
posted by slidell at 1:13 PM on June 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by slidell at 1:13 PM on June 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
I saved a link to this article from the Harvard Business Review on Self-Control and found it to be helpful. It takes account of more recent research, claiming that older theories about self-control being a limited resource have been debunked.
Personally, I find that the old "Steven Covey" rule about "Beginning with the End in Mind" is important. It's not whether I will exercise every day or read a book a month, it's whether I have arranged my life in such a way that my exercise goals and self-improvement goals are likely to be met. Check lists don't help with that (though I realize they are necessary for paying bills, buying groceries, etc.)
If you can't picture yourself succeeding, then is it because it's impossible for you, or it's impossible the way you have been going about it, or you are conflicted about the importance of the goal?
One time in a parking garage I listened to the conversation of two (apparent) attorneys, one who had a brief case with paperwork and another who carried nothing. The latter said to the former that they used to take the paperwork home, but they ended up bringing it right back to work the next day, so it accomplished nothing. The former said that that sometimes happens, but they make it rule to show up early the next day and finish the paperwork, so they can be sure that, one way or the other, the paperwork would be done by 8:30 AM. Period.
I am not a whirlwind of activity, but when I look back at old photos of our home or projects at work, I am happy with what I've accomplished even though I didn't do everything perfectly or get it done as fast as some other people. My 2 cents FWIW.
posted by forthright at 4:41 PM on June 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
Personally, I find that the old "Steven Covey" rule about "Beginning with the End in Mind" is important. It's not whether I will exercise every day or read a book a month, it's whether I have arranged my life in such a way that my exercise goals and self-improvement goals are likely to be met. Check lists don't help with that (though I realize they are necessary for paying bills, buying groceries, etc.)
If you can't picture yourself succeeding, then is it because it's impossible for you, or it's impossible the way you have been going about it, or you are conflicted about the importance of the goal?
One time in a parking garage I listened to the conversation of two (apparent) attorneys, one who had a brief case with paperwork and another who carried nothing. The latter said to the former that they used to take the paperwork home, but they ended up bringing it right back to work the next day, so it accomplished nothing. The former said that that sometimes happens, but they make it rule to show up early the next day and finish the paperwork, so they can be sure that, one way or the other, the paperwork would be done by 8:30 AM. Period.
I am not a whirlwind of activity, but when I look back at old photos of our home or projects at work, I am happy with what I've accomplished even though I didn't do everything perfectly or get it done as fast as some other people. My 2 cents FWIW.
posted by forthright at 4:41 PM on June 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
Most people use no will power to speak of, they rely on motivation. So the one who studies doesn't force themself to study, they sit down with the books because they want to get good grades because the idea of bad grades terrify them, or they want to get into law school and time spent on the books brings them closer to law school. They don't look at the books grudgingly, make themselves sit down and struggle to focus, any longer than the first five minutes of endurance that it takes many people to get immersed.
This means that when they realise they don't have to be afraid of their parents not loving them if they get bad grades, or if they realise that they can probably get into law school but they will never make a salary higher than $45,000 let alone make partner, their motivation can go poof and they don't have the incentive any more.
Do you have the incentive to do the things you can't discipline yourself to do? Because if you don't, if you are trying to will yourself into getting good enough grades to get into law school even after realising that you'll be living on ramen for the rest of your life if you make it, lacking self discipline is a signal that your goals are no longer worthwhile to you.
Bad habits (and good ones) have a cue followed by a reward. If you are trying to motivate yourself to exercise you may have a cue of it being lunch time so you should go down to the gym. And going to the gym is horrible because it means for forty five minutes your lungs will hurt, you will feel dizzy and your legs will ache and while you will sleep more deeply that night and feel virtuous you will also wake up the next morning feeling stiff and sore. So you can either force themselves to go to the gym and suffer, or if you can just distract yourself until it is too late to leave by reading e-mails for nine minutes, you don't have to go to the gym, have lungs and legs that hurt, and feel dizzy. Your reward is getting out of the gym and not being miserable for forty-five minutes. The biggest pay off is that you don't have to consider that you are supposed to feel good when you exercise and many people totally don't, so what if the other stuff you have been told, that you can get healthy by exercising is also not true? And the though that maybe you can't get healthy is a terrifying enough one, and such a wicked problem with no obvious way to approach it other than suffering long enough only to prove that the suffering is in vain, that the payoff for spending nine minutes on e-mails is huge. If you can just stick it out for nine minutes you get the pay-off of spending the rest of the day using the thought that tomorrow you will exercise and that is the day that it will start feeling good, rather than considering if it is all futile anyway and how the hell are you going to pay for all the medicine you are going to need when you retire.
All this is meant to suggest to you that if you haven't got willpower any more you have probably lost faith in the reward for the things you are doing and you are getting a reward for not doing them. Attempts to reproduce the results of the famous marshmallow test have indicated that perhaps the kids who didn't grab the single marshmallow when the tester left the room and instead waited for them to come back and give them lots of marshmallows were the kids who trusted adults in general and the person testing them. Strategies to distract themselves out of grabbing the marshmallow helped, but kids with sibs who normally grab faster and get a bigger share, or with parents who run out of cash after macaroni and before marshmallows, or with parents who forget they promised to buy marshmallows all opted for the marshmallow in the hand over the marshmallow in the bush, and were damn sensible to do so.
If it's just procrastination because jumping into cold water feels ghastly, but the first five seconds are the worst and after three minutes it's lovely and invigorating than various tips'n'tricks will work nicely, like not thinking about those first three minutes until you are actually on the diving board, and promising yourself time in the hot tub if you do it and so on.
But if the pay off for doing what you need to is far off and increasingly uncertain you are getting a clear signal that you need to recalibrate your goals. You may, for example have every chance of getting that bachelors in business, and getting a good job at that corporation where Uncle David has promised to get you job interviews and your teachers, peers and mentors are all giving you glowing reviews leading you to believe you will ace the interview. But if you have been increasingly wondering if climate change may raze the city that houses the corporate headquarters where your Uncle David is third assistant to the CFO, and every time for the last three and a half years that you have caught the US political news it has left you with an acute stomach ache and a feeling like your country is doomed, then the goal of retiring at sixty after thirty five years of wearing Brooks Brothers suits may feel simultaneously both realistic and delusional. There are a LOT of people lately who find themselves coping only through a sort of double-think of pursuing goals that they truly don't believe can be achieved by pretending that World Events is just a dystopian fandom they follow closely because it is so exciting.
One tip'n'trick I use is to look at life as a short term goal with the question, "What can I do today/right now that will mean that when I go to bed tonight I can say I did something right?" If the long term is too scary to think of, then short term thinking is the only way to grow. In times of change you need flexibility. So instead of working on goals that are long term like become a senior under-manager and retiring with enough to actual retire, the goal is to not waste time on things that leave me uncertain if there will ever be a payoff. I focus on things that I would do today if I knew that I'd be killed in a major storm surge event in two years. Between now and then I gotta eat, so completing my work on time and pleasing my manager is good. And if instead of getting killed by the storm surge I end up being evacuated and relocating to a city inland, completing my work today and pleasing my manager means that I can use her as a reference when I am job hunting in the inland city. Retiring from this job at sixty-five is not ruled out as possible, but it's hard to take seriously. Instead of watching what I eat so I will have a healthy old age, I watch what I eat so I won't feel like crap at five-thirty. The amount of available credit on my credit card represents an interesting list of possibilities some of get ruled out as soon as I buy anything. I don't buy nice new toys, because I'd far rather sit happily trying to decide if I'll use that money get get the back balcony replaced before it falls off the house, or stock the house with pandemic supplies for next winter, or to hunker down in my bunker and not work for awhile, or to provide a home for a refugee.
The feeling that that task isn't important or you need that shiny new item or that second slice of brownie cheese cake is an indicator that you need to be doing things that make you feel better. Unfortunately it also an indicator that you are struggling to find things that actually will make you feel better not worse. It would be worth while to sit down and try to think of effective things you can do that would make you feel better, that would lower your cortisol and your stress level and the pervasive low grade level of ugh in your mind and your life. You wouldn't be doing those things that you are ashamed of if you didn't need relief, and you wouldn't be complaining about doing them if they were working. It's more of a problem that they aren't working than that there is anything intrinsically wrong with them.
Plenty of people keep getting or making shiny new objects and go through life taking intense pleasure in their larger and larger model train layout and become famous in the model train community for their Santa Claus Village train layout. Or when they are their death bed summing up their life they take comfort in knowing that they had reached 20th level in every character class, race and quest path in World of War craft. Or they die happy knowing that for three years they headed the church ladies' guild and provided the nicest flower arrangements ever seen at Saint Diapasan. It's not really what you do, it's how well what you do fits your definition of meaningful.
The old saying that if money isn't bringing you happiness you are spending it in the wrong places, also applies to time. I can't hand you the right whip to make you obedient, and I can't hand you the right candy to make you happy. But I can tell you that if the pyramid you are building is the one you truly want to build, you won't need a whip, and that there are things you can either spend money on or eat or make or hoard that will make you as happy as a two year old child with a chocolate cake.
In a time of uncertainty and insecurity, it's counter intuitive to suggest change, but that's what I am going to suggest. If you can't motivate yourself to study, instead of spending the afternoon listlessly net surfing, go out and visit your local animal shelter and spend the afternoon as a volunteer playing with and socializing the dogs. If yet another tempting iTunes download would push your credit card bill to a point where you might have to pay the minimum instead of paying it off in full, then open your playlist menu and spend time sorting play lists to ensure you are getting the best experience from the 400 you have already downloaded. You're not trapped - you just haven't noticed the hidden doors in the corridor. There's nothing wrong with you. You've been doing your best not to mortgage current happiness for a future happiness that is looking increasingly deceptive. Every time you fail to meet a goal you set it says something about the goal, not something about you. If there was ever a time for short term thinking, this is it. What can you do today, now, that would make you feel better about the future? What can you do in five minutes? What can you do that will make you feel like you matter and what you are doing matters?
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:36 AM on June 11, 2020 [11 favorites]
This means that when they realise they don't have to be afraid of their parents not loving them if they get bad grades, or if they realise that they can probably get into law school but they will never make a salary higher than $45,000 let alone make partner, their motivation can go poof and they don't have the incentive any more.
Do you have the incentive to do the things you can't discipline yourself to do? Because if you don't, if you are trying to will yourself into getting good enough grades to get into law school even after realising that you'll be living on ramen for the rest of your life if you make it, lacking self discipline is a signal that your goals are no longer worthwhile to you.
Bad habits (and good ones) have a cue followed by a reward. If you are trying to motivate yourself to exercise you may have a cue of it being lunch time so you should go down to the gym. And going to the gym is horrible because it means for forty five minutes your lungs will hurt, you will feel dizzy and your legs will ache and while you will sleep more deeply that night and feel virtuous you will also wake up the next morning feeling stiff and sore. So you can either force themselves to go to the gym and suffer, or if you can just distract yourself until it is too late to leave by reading e-mails for nine minutes, you don't have to go to the gym, have lungs and legs that hurt, and feel dizzy. Your reward is getting out of the gym and not being miserable for forty-five minutes. The biggest pay off is that you don't have to consider that you are supposed to feel good when you exercise and many people totally don't, so what if the other stuff you have been told, that you can get healthy by exercising is also not true? And the though that maybe you can't get healthy is a terrifying enough one, and such a wicked problem with no obvious way to approach it other than suffering long enough only to prove that the suffering is in vain, that the payoff for spending nine minutes on e-mails is huge. If you can just stick it out for nine minutes you get the pay-off of spending the rest of the day using the thought that tomorrow you will exercise and that is the day that it will start feeling good, rather than considering if it is all futile anyway and how the hell are you going to pay for all the medicine you are going to need when you retire.
All this is meant to suggest to you that if you haven't got willpower any more you have probably lost faith in the reward for the things you are doing and you are getting a reward for not doing them. Attempts to reproduce the results of the famous marshmallow test have indicated that perhaps the kids who didn't grab the single marshmallow when the tester left the room and instead waited for them to come back and give them lots of marshmallows were the kids who trusted adults in general and the person testing them. Strategies to distract themselves out of grabbing the marshmallow helped, but kids with sibs who normally grab faster and get a bigger share, or with parents who run out of cash after macaroni and before marshmallows, or with parents who forget they promised to buy marshmallows all opted for the marshmallow in the hand over the marshmallow in the bush, and were damn sensible to do so.
If it's just procrastination because jumping into cold water feels ghastly, but the first five seconds are the worst and after three minutes it's lovely and invigorating than various tips'n'tricks will work nicely, like not thinking about those first three minutes until you are actually on the diving board, and promising yourself time in the hot tub if you do it and so on.
But if the pay off for doing what you need to is far off and increasingly uncertain you are getting a clear signal that you need to recalibrate your goals. You may, for example have every chance of getting that bachelors in business, and getting a good job at that corporation where Uncle David has promised to get you job interviews and your teachers, peers and mentors are all giving you glowing reviews leading you to believe you will ace the interview. But if you have been increasingly wondering if climate change may raze the city that houses the corporate headquarters where your Uncle David is third assistant to the CFO, and every time for the last three and a half years that you have caught the US political news it has left you with an acute stomach ache and a feeling like your country is doomed, then the goal of retiring at sixty after thirty five years of wearing Brooks Brothers suits may feel simultaneously both realistic and delusional. There are a LOT of people lately who find themselves coping only through a sort of double-think of pursuing goals that they truly don't believe can be achieved by pretending that World Events is just a dystopian fandom they follow closely because it is so exciting.
One tip'n'trick I use is to look at life as a short term goal with the question, "What can I do today/right now that will mean that when I go to bed tonight I can say I did something right?" If the long term is too scary to think of, then short term thinking is the only way to grow. In times of change you need flexibility. So instead of working on goals that are long term like become a senior under-manager and retiring with enough to actual retire, the goal is to not waste time on things that leave me uncertain if there will ever be a payoff. I focus on things that I would do today if I knew that I'd be killed in a major storm surge event in two years. Between now and then I gotta eat, so completing my work on time and pleasing my manager is good. And if instead of getting killed by the storm surge I end up being evacuated and relocating to a city inland, completing my work today and pleasing my manager means that I can use her as a reference when I am job hunting in the inland city. Retiring from this job at sixty-five is not ruled out as possible, but it's hard to take seriously. Instead of watching what I eat so I will have a healthy old age, I watch what I eat so I won't feel like crap at five-thirty. The amount of available credit on my credit card represents an interesting list of possibilities some of get ruled out as soon as I buy anything. I don't buy nice new toys, because I'd far rather sit happily trying to decide if I'll use that money get get the back balcony replaced before it falls off the house, or stock the house with pandemic supplies for next winter, or to hunker down in my bunker and not work for awhile, or to provide a home for a refugee.
The feeling that that task isn't important or you need that shiny new item or that second slice of brownie cheese cake is an indicator that you need to be doing things that make you feel better. Unfortunately it also an indicator that you are struggling to find things that actually will make you feel better not worse. It would be worth while to sit down and try to think of effective things you can do that would make you feel better, that would lower your cortisol and your stress level and the pervasive low grade level of ugh in your mind and your life. You wouldn't be doing those things that you are ashamed of if you didn't need relief, and you wouldn't be complaining about doing them if they were working. It's more of a problem that they aren't working than that there is anything intrinsically wrong with them.
Plenty of people keep getting or making shiny new objects and go through life taking intense pleasure in their larger and larger model train layout and become famous in the model train community for their Santa Claus Village train layout. Or when they are their death bed summing up their life they take comfort in knowing that they had reached 20th level in every character class, race and quest path in World of War craft. Or they die happy knowing that for three years they headed the church ladies' guild and provided the nicest flower arrangements ever seen at Saint Diapasan. It's not really what you do, it's how well what you do fits your definition of meaningful.
The old saying that if money isn't bringing you happiness you are spending it in the wrong places, also applies to time. I can't hand you the right whip to make you obedient, and I can't hand you the right candy to make you happy. But I can tell you that if the pyramid you are building is the one you truly want to build, you won't need a whip, and that there are things you can either spend money on or eat or make or hoard that will make you as happy as a two year old child with a chocolate cake.
In a time of uncertainty and insecurity, it's counter intuitive to suggest change, but that's what I am going to suggest. If you can't motivate yourself to study, instead of spending the afternoon listlessly net surfing, go out and visit your local animal shelter and spend the afternoon as a volunteer playing with and socializing the dogs. If yet another tempting iTunes download would push your credit card bill to a point where you might have to pay the minimum instead of paying it off in full, then open your playlist menu and spend time sorting play lists to ensure you are getting the best experience from the 400 you have already downloaded. You're not trapped - you just haven't noticed the hidden doors in the corridor. There's nothing wrong with you. You've been doing your best not to mortgage current happiness for a future happiness that is looking increasingly deceptive. Every time you fail to meet a goal you set it says something about the goal, not something about you. If there was ever a time for short term thinking, this is it. What can you do today, now, that would make you feel better about the future? What can you do in five minutes? What can you do that will make you feel like you matter and what you are doing matters?
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:36 AM on June 11, 2020 [11 favorites]
Metafilter: Pretending that World Events is just a dystopian fandom they follow closely because it is so exciting.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:40 AM on June 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:40 AM on June 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
Past couple of years? Possibilities
- Situational stressors, including personal life events (eg divorce), work stress
- Chronic sleep deprivation can short your reserve for instance (do you snore or wake up feeling exhausted?)
- Something else that’s physical. Could be your body (eg something hormonal) or something that happened to your body (eg concussion). Do you act out interpersonally, have trouble regulating your mood, say socially inappropriate things (or things others seem to respond to as if they’re surprised, shocked, upset, etc - and if so, do you care about how they feel?)
It’s not ADHD, you’d have had issues all your life otherwise. Some other neurological conditions can cause this.
Could be a medication, as well
I think figuring out and treating the root cause is the best way to go. Or if you try the suggestions people have and they don’t work, see a doctor just to make sure it’s not something physical.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:14 PM on June 11, 2020
- Situational stressors, including personal life events (eg divorce), work stress
- Chronic sleep deprivation can short your reserve for instance (do you snore or wake up feeling exhausted?)
- Something else that’s physical. Could be your body (eg something hormonal) or something that happened to your body (eg concussion). Do you act out interpersonally, have trouble regulating your mood, say socially inappropriate things (or things others seem to respond to as if they’re surprised, shocked, upset, etc - and if so, do you care about how they feel?)
It’s not ADHD, you’d have had issues all your life otherwise. Some other neurological conditions can cause this.
Could be a medication, as well
I think figuring out and treating the root cause is the best way to go. Or if you try the suggestions people have and they don’t work, see a doctor just to make sure it’s not something physical.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:14 PM on June 11, 2020
Lots of great advice above, including getting a medical check just in case. Lots of physical things can contribute to this.
One of the techniques I've found helpful when under stress and still needing to be productive is to control my environment as much as possible. This allows me to pare down the number of small decisions I have to make about routine matters and limit the opportunities to get stressed out and distracted. For example, every weekday I have Greek yogurt with some kind of berry for breakfast, and then a salad with protein for lunch. I make sure I have plenty of those foods on hand and limit the amount of tempting other stuff.
Of course, this is a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation as getting to that point takes some preparation, which is probably hard for you right now, but that's where some of the great techniques above can help you. If you ask "what can I do in half an hour that would make my morning routine more effective?" and then set a timer for that amount of time, you can start to see results after relatively short periods.
posted by rpfields at 9:22 AM on June 14, 2020
One of the techniques I've found helpful when under stress and still needing to be productive is to control my environment as much as possible. This allows me to pare down the number of small decisions I have to make about routine matters and limit the opportunities to get stressed out and distracted. For example, every weekday I have Greek yogurt with some kind of berry for breakfast, and then a salad with protein for lunch. I make sure I have plenty of those foods on hand and limit the amount of tempting other stuff.
Of course, this is a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation as getting to that point takes some preparation, which is probably hard for you right now, but that's where some of the great techniques above can help you. If you ask "what can I do in half an hour that would make my morning routine more effective?" and then set a timer for that amount of time, you can start to see results after relatively short periods.
posted by rpfields at 9:22 AM on June 14, 2020
Modern life has a way of adding responsibility after responsibility to our plates. And we are told that we can do all of these things with enough determination, but there comes a point where it really is too much. There is a real chance that you don't have the time or possibly the mental energy to handle everything you've taken on because there is an unlimited number of things that you could commit to and a limited amount of time and energy. I was inclined to blame it on current state of the world but you say it started before that so that makes me think you really were overburdened, which has been my problem in the past too.
So my advice is to take a careful, fresh, honest look at your commitments and goals and see if the number of things you're committed to has crept up over the years. That was my problem, I didn't lose my ability to keep commitments, I was just overextended because I kept adding new responsibilities without removing old ones. Now that I've worked to clear my plate a little bit I'm back to doing things that are better for myself health-wise and financially because I spend my time and attention on those things. It's not easy since there are commitments that are difficult or impossible to shake (work, kids, etc) but an honest accounting of where your commitments are might help you focus your time and energy in places that are meaningful to you and hopefully shake off things that you have committed to that are less important to you.
posted by Tehhund at 6:19 AM on June 25, 2020 [1 favorite]
So my advice is to take a careful, fresh, honest look at your commitments and goals and see if the number of things you're committed to has crept up over the years. That was my problem, I didn't lose my ability to keep commitments, I was just overextended because I kept adding new responsibilities without removing old ones. Now that I've worked to clear my plate a little bit I'm back to doing things that are better for myself health-wise and financially because I spend my time and attention on those things. It's not easy since there are commitments that are difficult or impossible to shake (work, kids, etc) but an honest accounting of where your commitments are might help you focus your time and energy in places that are meaningful to you and hopefully shake off things that you have committed to that are less important to you.
posted by Tehhund at 6:19 AM on June 25, 2020 [1 favorite]
« Older Is there an online Gantt chart tool that works to... | Broadband and router suggestions in NE London Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would also say pick one goal to start with. Make sure it's an attainable goal. Just focus on that. Like, maybe you want to start with going for a 15 minute walk each day. Then you can gradually build from there.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:03 AM on June 10, 2020 [5 favorites]