Should I tell my girlfriend that I find her weight gain unattractive?
March 19, 2006 8:11 PM Subscribe
Is there any point in telling my girlfriend the truth about my feelings about her weight gain?
My gf has put on about 30 lbs over the past three years we've been together. She carries it very well, but it's definitely noticeable. Her eating habits haven't changed significantly (they are still poor) but throughout high school she danced and played sports, but since then (5 years ago) she has done nothing.
She constantly asks me if I find it unattractive, and I have been reassuring her that I'm just as attracted to her as I was before. But that's not true. While she definitely still turns my crank, I do find her new figure less attractive. Recently she tried on an old dress and it didn't fit, which brought on an abortive fit of extreme dieting (lasted about a day). I told her that she should come and work out with me (I am extremely active, trying to get fitter myself), that we can work together to come up with a sensible diet and exercise plan, and although she agrees, nothing really comes of it. While she is very successful in life so far, she is an extremely lazy (if talented) person, and doesn't really do anything unless she has to. Should I nudge her more? Is there any point in telling her the truth when she asks? My feeling is that it will cause her +++++anxiety and trigger an irrational attempt at extreme dieting and exercise, not to mention insecurity about our relationship and herself.
Just to be clear, I would never contemplate pushing a regime on her if she didn't seem to be concerned about her weight herself, nor would I ever contemplate telling her that she's less attractive to me if she didn't constantly ask me.
My gf has put on about 30 lbs over the past three years we've been together. She carries it very well, but it's definitely noticeable. Her eating habits haven't changed significantly (they are still poor) but throughout high school she danced and played sports, but since then (5 years ago) she has done nothing.
She constantly asks me if I find it unattractive, and I have been reassuring her that I'm just as attracted to her as I was before. But that's not true. While she definitely still turns my crank, I do find her new figure less attractive. Recently she tried on an old dress and it didn't fit, which brought on an abortive fit of extreme dieting (lasted about a day). I told her that she should come and work out with me (I am extremely active, trying to get fitter myself), that we can work together to come up with a sensible diet and exercise plan, and although she agrees, nothing really comes of it. While she is very successful in life so far, she is an extremely lazy (if talented) person, and doesn't really do anything unless she has to. Should I nudge her more? Is there any point in telling her the truth when she asks? My feeling is that it will cause her +++++anxiety and trigger an irrational attempt at extreme dieting and exercise, not to mention insecurity about our relationship and herself.
Just to be clear, I would never contemplate pushing a regime on her if she didn't seem to be concerned about her weight herself, nor would I ever contemplate telling her that she's less attractive to me if she didn't constantly ask me.
I wouldn't tell her that you don't find her as attractive as you used to. As a girl who has put on a few unwanted pounds over the last year, I would be even more upset if I had confirmation that my boyfriend had not only noticed, but thought I looked worse. Trust me - she knows she has gained weight. She knows you don't have a fat fetish, and therefore she knows that you don't think she looks as good as she did 30lbs ago. She just wants you to tell her that she is still pretty.
What you ought to do, IMO, is instead of suggesting that she work out with you, try to make her work out with you. Pick an activity that you both enjoy, whther its biking, swimming, running, or kayaking, and plan a schedule. Do it three times a week no matter what. If she acts lazy and doesn't want to, then call her out and tell her to stop being lazy. My boyfriend rips the blankets off of me at 7:30 every other morning and makes me go running with him. I hate him for 10 minutes, but then I love him even more for the fact he knows that I desperately need him to make me exercise. Your girlfriend may be like me and need some shaming. If not, you will figure it out after the first couple of tries and you can abandon that idea.
posted by gatorae at 8:30 PM on March 19, 2006
What you ought to do, IMO, is instead of suggesting that she work out with you, try to make her work out with you. Pick an activity that you both enjoy, whther its biking, swimming, running, or kayaking, and plan a schedule. Do it three times a week no matter what. If she acts lazy and doesn't want to, then call her out and tell her to stop being lazy. My boyfriend rips the blankets off of me at 7:30 every other morning and makes me go running with him. I hate him for 10 minutes, but then I love him even more for the fact he knows that I desperately need him to make me exercise. Your girlfriend may be like me and need some shaming. If not, you will figure it out after the first couple of tries and you can abandon that idea.
posted by gatorae at 8:30 PM on March 19, 2006
Tough one. It depends entirely on your girlfriend, and on how neurotic she is around her weight.
Of course, you could always try the one that millions of women around the world use: "I'm as attracted to you as the day we met, but I'm worried about your health. I want to be with you a very long time, and I worry that your health will decline if you're not active."
posted by tkolar at 8:40 PM on March 19, 2006
Of course, you could always try the one that millions of women around the world use: "I'm as attracted to you as the day we met, but I'm worried about your health. I want to be with you a very long time, and I worry that your health will decline if you're not active."
posted by tkolar at 8:40 PM on March 19, 2006
For most people there's a huge gap between asking a question and wanting the real answer -- but this goes both ways.
To wit:
Have you considered the possibility that you're looking for someone to validate your need to force the issue? Presumably you know she'd be hurt if you do, so you need someone to tell you it's OK to hurt her.
I'm not saying this is in fact the case, but it's something to think about, in my view. Do you want to hurt her emotionally?
posted by aramaic at 8:48 PM on March 19, 2006
To wit:
Have you considered the possibility that you're looking for someone to validate your need to force the issue? Presumably you know she'd be hurt if you do, so you need someone to tell you it's OK to hurt her.
I'm not saying this is in fact the case, but it's something to think about, in my view. Do you want to hurt her emotionally?
posted by aramaic at 8:48 PM on March 19, 2006
I hope you're being sarcastic, ortho.
anonymous, listen to gatorae. You don't have to tell her you find her less attractive, but you can indicate that you've noticed her weight gain, and want to help her reach her goals.
posted by muddgirl at 8:48 PM on March 19, 2006
anonymous, listen to gatorae. You don't have to tell her you find her less attractive, but you can indicate that you've noticed her weight gain, and want to help her reach her goals.
posted by muddgirl at 8:48 PM on March 19, 2006
or a synthesis of tkolar's and ortho's answers:
"I'm as attracted to you as the day we met, but judging by the fact you keep raising this issue with noticeable anxiety, it is apparent that you don't feel very good about it."
Then continue to elaborate how exercising has improved various aspects of your life unrelated to physical attraction (improved self-esteem, heightened energy, sounder sleep, and a general feeling of well-being.)
posted by ori at 8:51 PM on March 19, 2006
"I'm as attracted to you as the day we met, but judging by the fact you keep raising this issue with noticeable anxiety, it is apparent that you don't feel very good about it."
Then continue to elaborate how exercising has improved various aspects of your life unrelated to physical attraction (improved self-esteem, heightened energy, sounder sleep, and a general feeling of well-being.)
posted by ori at 8:51 PM on March 19, 2006
You can also say that you're often bored and missing her company when exercising, and that exercising together would be a great way of spending some time with one another.
posted by ori at 8:53 PM on March 19, 2006
posted by ori at 8:53 PM on March 19, 2006
Dear lord. The dreaded "does this make my ass look big?" question. They should present this scenario in US diplomatic corps assesment interviews....
Unless she was terribly underweight, 30 pounds is a lot to gain.
Frankly, I'd be less worried about how she looked and more concerned about what was happening internally -- coronary heart disease kills more women than breast cancer. And the first symptom of heart disease in women is often dropping dead of a heart attack.
You say you're active? Find something fun you can do together that she enjoys! She'll feel better, have more energy and sleep better.
My two farthings.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 8:57 PM on March 19, 2006
Unless she was terribly underweight, 30 pounds is a lot to gain.
Frankly, I'd be less worried about how she looked and more concerned about what was happening internally -- coronary heart disease kills more women than breast cancer. And the first symptom of heart disease in women is often dropping dead of a heart attack.
You say you're active? Find something fun you can do together that she enjoys! She'll feel better, have more energy and sleep better.
My two farthings.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 8:57 PM on March 19, 2006
"I'm as attracted to you as the day we met, but judging by the fact you keep raising this issue with noticeable anxiety, it is apparent that you don't feel very good about it."
Ah, a sensible, well-measured response that is at once honest and kind. I've had no success with these in any of my interactions with humans, yet I still appreciate them as things of beauty.
posted by Eamon at 9:05 PM on March 19, 2006
Ah, a sensible, well-measured response that is at once honest and kind. I've had no success with these in any of my interactions with humans, yet I still appreciate them as things of beauty.
posted by Eamon at 9:05 PM on March 19, 2006
Unless she was terribly underweight, 30 pounds is a lot to gain.
Not necessarily. 30lbs would take a 5'6" woman from 120lbs to 150lbs, either of which would be a healthy weight according to the charts. And actually there's a fair amount of evidence that women just above the recommended 18 - 25 BMI range live longer (I'm talking the 25 - 27 range, not above 30). Unless your girlfriend was overweight before, or has other risk factors, 30lbs is unlikely to put her at real medical risk.
Personally, I'd find the 150lb woman sexier, but this isn't about my preferences - I think Obi gives great advice, exercise is actually fun ("no pain, no gain" has done a lot of harm), and a few small changes can easily take off 30lbs. If my wife were unhappy about something, I'd try to help her to think through how to change it and stick to a plan, without making it about what I wanted.
I'm slightly worried though by the hint that you see her weight as part of a larger personality problem. If you see her as lazy and unmotivated - and those traits bug you, you might have problems weight loss won't fix.
posted by crabintheocean at 9:13 PM on March 19, 2006
Not necessarily. 30lbs would take a 5'6" woman from 120lbs to 150lbs, either of which would be a healthy weight according to the charts. And actually there's a fair amount of evidence that women just above the recommended 18 - 25 BMI range live longer (I'm talking the 25 - 27 range, not above 30). Unless your girlfriend was overweight before, or has other risk factors, 30lbs is unlikely to put her at real medical risk.
Personally, I'd find the 150lb woman sexier, but this isn't about my preferences - I think Obi gives great advice, exercise is actually fun ("no pain, no gain" has done a lot of harm), and a few small changes can easily take off 30lbs. If my wife were unhappy about something, I'd try to help her to think through how to change it and stick to a plan, without making it about what I wanted.
I'm slightly worried though by the hint that you see her weight as part of a larger personality problem. If you see her as lazy and unmotivated - and those traits bug you, you might have problems weight loss won't fix.
posted by crabintheocean at 9:13 PM on March 19, 2006
I'm sorry - ori.
posted by crabintheocean at 9:13 PM on March 19, 2006
posted by crabintheocean at 9:13 PM on March 19, 2006
Related issues covered here and here, and probably in other threads as well. Also read this for some further insight.
My own two cents: no, you shouldn't tell her that you find her weight gain unattractive -- the situation will explode and become extremely difficult to fix. She knows that she's put on weight, and she does not need you to let her know that you find it unattractive -- she's already considered this and it no doubt causes her a lot of stress in addition to her other weight-related insecurities. She still turns your crank? That's all she needs to know.
When she agrees to get fit with you, and nothing comes of it, what happens? Does she refuse to go jogging/swimming/walking/etc with you? Does she refuse to eat healthy meals? Does she eat well at meals times but snack on junk in between? If you live together or whenever feasible, cook for the both of you -- she can eat better and she doesn't even have to do anything. Instead of catching up on the phone or on the couch, catch up while going for a walk. Be willing to make changes to your ideal exercise schedule so that you can include her. Sure, maybe jogging around dusk is what suits you, but maybe that's when she's tired from work and hungry for dinner. Make sure exercising doesn't replace things she wants to do. When she's with you she might just want to hang out and relax, or watch tv, or fool around, etc -- if exercise eats into time for those things it's going to be even more of a chore. These last 2 points are things that I experienced when my girlfriend asked me to go jogging with her, until we reached a compromise.
You can kick up as much shit as you like about her refusing to go for an evening walk with you, or not eating the just-so-happens-to-be-healthy meal you cooked for the two or you, etc (they'll go down as just normal couples arguments), but if you ever make her think you find her weight unattractive then you're in big trouble.
On preview: the "I'm just worried about your health" will not soften the blow, especially to someone who is already worried about their weight. Also, would that even be the truth? As much as you don't want her to get type 2 diabetes or have a heart attack, it's not typically the first thing guys think about when their partner puts on weight.
Also, while ori's suggestion is the most sensitive way to broach the subject with her, I would still not recommend mentioning the topic at all unless it is directly in response to a comment she makes inviting discussion.
posted by teem at 9:15 PM on March 19, 2006
My own two cents: no, you shouldn't tell her that you find her weight gain unattractive -- the situation will explode and become extremely difficult to fix. She knows that she's put on weight, and she does not need you to let her know that you find it unattractive -- she's already considered this and it no doubt causes her a lot of stress in addition to her other weight-related insecurities. She still turns your crank? That's all she needs to know.
When she agrees to get fit with you, and nothing comes of it, what happens? Does she refuse to go jogging/swimming/walking/etc with you? Does she refuse to eat healthy meals? Does she eat well at meals times but snack on junk in between? If you live together or whenever feasible, cook for the both of you -- she can eat better and she doesn't even have to do anything. Instead of catching up on the phone or on the couch, catch up while going for a walk. Be willing to make changes to your ideal exercise schedule so that you can include her. Sure, maybe jogging around dusk is what suits you, but maybe that's when she's tired from work and hungry for dinner. Make sure exercising doesn't replace things she wants to do. When she's with you she might just want to hang out and relax, or watch tv, or fool around, etc -- if exercise eats into time for those things it's going to be even more of a chore. These last 2 points are things that I experienced when my girlfriend asked me to go jogging with her, until we reached a compromise.
You can kick up as much shit as you like about her refusing to go for an evening walk with you, or not eating the just-so-happens-to-be-healthy meal you cooked for the two or you, etc (they'll go down as just normal couples arguments), but if you ever make her think you find her weight unattractive then you're in big trouble.
On preview: the "I'm just worried about your health" will not soften the blow, especially to someone who is already worried about their weight. Also, would that even be the truth? As much as you don't want her to get type 2 diabetes or have a heart attack, it's not typically the first thing guys think about when their partner puts on weight.
Also, while ori's suggestion is the most sensitive way to broach the subject with her, I would still not recommend mentioning the topic at all unless it is directly in response to a comment she makes inviting discussion.
posted by teem at 9:15 PM on March 19, 2006
it no doubt causes her a lot of stress in addition to her other weight-related insecurities
Who says she has weight related insecurities? Lots of women don't really care if they put on a few pounds as they get older but they might care if they knew their boyfriend was losing interest in them and it could harm their relationship.
posted by fshgrl at 9:45 PM on March 19, 2006
Who says she has weight related insecurities? Lots of women don't really care if they put on a few pounds as they get older but they might care if they knew their boyfriend was losing interest in them and it could harm their relationship.
posted by fshgrl at 9:45 PM on March 19, 2006
Hmmm. 30 pounds in three years is a lot, despite what charts say. She probably won't stabilize at this weight, either, given that she eats poorly and doesn't exercise. As she ages, her muscle mass and metabolism will decrease. And who cares what guys "typically" think of with female weight gain? Heart disease is real, and incremental.
Don't be cruel, but don't pussy-foot, either. She has to make a lifestyle change, and *she* has to commit to it. That's if she actually acknowledges OUT LOUD that she thinks she has a problem.
Is she eating because she's bored? Does she have sleeping problems? Maybe she has another medical issue? She should go for a medical check-up. A doctor telling her "You need to lose weight" may have more impact than a sex partner. YMMV, of course.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 9:47 PM on March 19, 2006
Don't be cruel, but don't pussy-foot, either. She has to make a lifestyle change, and *she* has to commit to it. That's if she actually acknowledges OUT LOUD that she thinks she has a problem.
Is she eating because she's bored? Does she have sleeping problems? Maybe she has another medical issue? She should go for a medical check-up. A doctor telling her "You need to lose weight" may have more impact than a sex partner. YMMV, of course.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 9:47 PM on March 19, 2006
How about this:
"I'm still attracted to you. You do seem to mention it a lot, though. Is it bothering you? I could probably stand to get in better shape myself, how about we motivate each other and start running together?" (swap running with your activity of choice).
Even if you're skinny - you could very well be out of shape - so you don't have to be fat to legitimately be able to respond with this.
posted by twiggy at 9:53 PM on March 19, 2006
"I'm still attracted to you. You do seem to mention it a lot, though. Is it bothering you? I could probably stand to get in better shape myself, how about we motivate each other and start running together?" (swap running with your activity of choice).
Even if you're skinny - you could very well be out of shape - so you don't have to be fat to legitimately be able to respond with this.
posted by twiggy at 9:53 PM on March 19, 2006
Who says she has weight related insecurities?
Anonymous says. He says she constantly asks if he finds it unattractive (so it's often on her mind), and when a dress of hers didn't fit she went into a "fit of extreme dieting".
posted by teem at 9:59 PM on March 19, 2006
Anonymous says. He says she constantly asks if he finds it unattractive (so it's often on her mind), and when a dress of hers didn't fit she went into a "fit of extreme dieting".
posted by teem at 9:59 PM on March 19, 2006
She should lose weight for herself. She clearly has issues with her weight or she wouldn't constantly ask if you found it unattractive. I find having a girlfriend as a sports partner to be a wonderful mix: Accomplishing goals together brings people together. Weight loss is no exception.
Permanent weight loss requires a change to your lifestyle. 'Extreme dieting' is counterproductive and will likely result in a weight rebound as soon as you went back to your old habits. A sensible diet and exercise plan, like you suggest, sounds good. Help and support her and everyone wins.
posted by chrisch at 10:51 PM on March 19, 2006
Permanent weight loss requires a change to your lifestyle. 'Extreme dieting' is counterproductive and will likely result in a weight rebound as soon as you went back to your old habits. A sensible diet and exercise plan, like you suggest, sounds good. Help and support her and everyone wins.
posted by chrisch at 10:51 PM on March 19, 2006
and when a dress of hers didn't fit she went into a "fit of extreme dieting"
For less than a day! It doesn't sound like she's that worried about it to me. I know plenty of women who gain weight, don't really care, say to their partner- do you care? and if he says "no" then they continue on their merry way. (Men too of course)
She probably can tell you're less attracted to her and is trying to find out why. It's pretty hard to lie to someone that you're that close to for long and at this point she might suspect you're losing interest in the whole relationship or having an affair or who knows what.
You don't have to be cruel about it or judgemental (after all none of us is perfect) but think of a nice or at least matter-of-fact way to answer her question honestly.
posted by fshgrl at 12:06 AM on March 20, 2006
For less than a day! It doesn't sound like she's that worried about it to me. I know plenty of women who gain weight, don't really care, say to their partner- do you care? and if he says "no" then they continue on their merry way. (Men too of course)
She probably can tell you're less attracted to her and is trying to find out why. It's pretty hard to lie to someone that you're that close to for long and at this point she might suspect you're losing interest in the whole relationship or having an affair or who knows what.
You don't have to be cruel about it or judgemental (after all none of us is perfect) but think of a nice or at least matter-of-fact way to answer her question honestly.
posted by fshgrl at 12:06 AM on March 20, 2006
"I have been reassuring her that I'm just as attracted to her as I was before. But that's not true."
To deceive, or deny the truth from someone is to disempower them, and deny them the opportunity to use that information constructively. It is always an evil, if sometimes the lesser of evils. The level of fitness she chooses to maintain is her prerogative, and how that choice affects your desire to continue the relationship is yours. Since you do continue to find her attractive, I would contemplate seriously how her choice affects your relationship before you even think about communicating it. Is it a "would be nice if", something you find unacceptable, or somewhere in between? Relationships are built on mutual attraction, and focusing on such a problem, or ignoring it, could both be ways of messing up a good thing.
However you classify it, if it comes time to communicate it, assume that whatever you say will be magnified by some factor dependent on her own insecurity about her body. By softening it by a roughly equivalent magnitude you might come close to communicating a truthful impression. Stick to constructive suggestions, she will intuit the underlying criticisms and focus on those with no help from you. Take the initiative yourself to learn about ways to improve both of your diets, and add opportunities for exercise. Tips: Stay away from low-carb, fasting, or any sorts of fad diets. Hikes are pretty much the best form of excercise for burning fat, and can be quite romantic besides. Joint Gym memberships can be a nice yearly gift (but get something else too!). Weight itself is a very poor indicator of fitness, since muscle weighs more than fat. Making bargains can be a playful way to coax a workout; take in a trip to the cinema after a workout together, etc.
posted by Manjusri at 2:14 AM on March 20, 2006
To deceive, or deny the truth from someone is to disempower them, and deny them the opportunity to use that information constructively. It is always an evil, if sometimes the lesser of evils. The level of fitness she chooses to maintain is her prerogative, and how that choice affects your desire to continue the relationship is yours. Since you do continue to find her attractive, I would contemplate seriously how her choice affects your relationship before you even think about communicating it. Is it a "would be nice if", something you find unacceptable, or somewhere in between? Relationships are built on mutual attraction, and focusing on such a problem, or ignoring it, could both be ways of messing up a good thing.
However you classify it, if it comes time to communicate it, assume that whatever you say will be magnified by some factor dependent on her own insecurity about her body. By softening it by a roughly equivalent magnitude you might come close to communicating a truthful impression. Stick to constructive suggestions, she will intuit the underlying criticisms and focus on those with no help from you. Take the initiative yourself to learn about ways to improve both of your diets, and add opportunities for exercise. Tips: Stay away from low-carb, fasting, or any sorts of fad diets. Hikes are pretty much the best form of excercise for burning fat, and can be quite romantic besides. Joint Gym memberships can be a nice yearly gift (but get something else too!). Weight itself is a very poor indicator of fitness, since muscle weighs more than fat. Making bargains can be a playful way to coax a workout; take in a trip to the cinema after a workout together, etc.
posted by Manjusri at 2:14 AM on March 20, 2006
I'm this girl (well, not *this* girl, but one just like her).
I think she probably already knows you don't find her as attractive becuase she doesn't find herself as attractive.
My advice: make certain that her being "lazy" isn't really her being "sad, lonely, or depressed." Make certain that there isn't a fear of dieting becuase of fear that she may fail - if she's fat becuase she doesn't try, then she can always fix it; if she tries and she's still fat, then she's a failure. And make certain she understands that you love her, the same as you did before, despite it all.
posted by dpx.mfx at 5:06 AM on March 20, 2006
I think she probably already knows you don't find her as attractive becuase she doesn't find herself as attractive.
My advice: make certain that her being "lazy" isn't really her being "sad, lonely, or depressed." Make certain that there isn't a fear of dieting becuase of fear that she may fail - if she's fat becuase she doesn't try, then she can always fix it; if she tries and she's still fat, then she's a failure. And make certain she understands that you love her, the same as you did before, despite it all.
posted by dpx.mfx at 5:06 AM on March 20, 2006
I agree with tkolar, depends on the girl.
you would NOT soften the blow by saying it's motivated by health.
the tricky thing about this is just like you know she's put on weight, so does she. I wouldn't say push the regime but I would try to be supportive in motivating her to get to the gym. Perhaps to look super, extra hot for a trip or something? I'm a girl and I know I respond well to gifts :)
Having said all of that though - don't go on in this relationship while she's eating her way through it if it makes you unhappy. Sometimes (or almost always) the truth hurts.
posted by heartquake at 5:08 AM on March 20, 2006
you would NOT soften the blow by saying it's motivated by health.
the tricky thing about this is just like you know she's put on weight, so does she. I wouldn't say push the regime but I would try to be supportive in motivating her to get to the gym. Perhaps to look super, extra hot for a trip or something? I'm a girl and I know I respond well to gifts :)
Having said all of that though - don't go on in this relationship while she's eating her way through it if it makes you unhappy. Sometimes (or almost always) the truth hurts.
posted by heartquake at 5:08 AM on March 20, 2006
Has she had her thyroid checked? Symptoms of a thyroid problem include lethargy, weight gain, dry skin, menstrual irregularities (heavy periods), and feeling like you are in a mental fog. Symptoms can often be misdiagnosed as mild depression. I've lost 35 pounds in 6 months due to this condition being accurately diagnosed and the proper dosage of thyroid medication being prescribed. All it takes is a simple blood test. Doctors don't tend to look at it in younger women, but it can happen. The test is a simple blood test to check hormone levels.
posted by 45moore45 at 6:28 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by 45moore45 at 6:28 AM on March 20, 2006
What would be the purpose? Remember also that at some point, you're not going to look so good either. Sounds like you guys are doing OK otherwise.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:21 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by Ironmouth at 8:21 AM on March 20, 2006
Is she taking birth control pills/using patch/etc now that she's living with you? Lots of medications can cause slow but steady weight gain that can be really difficult to take off, even for the most active person.
Ori's answer is a good one, by the way. If she keeps bringing it up either a) she's insecure about it or b) something in your relationship has changed and she knows its a problem with you.
Thyroid is also a good thought.
You can't make her change. You might be able to help her motivate herself to do the hard things, if she wants to change, but you can't make her want to change.
posted by anastasiav at 8:31 AM on March 20, 2006
Ori's answer is a good one, by the way. If she keeps bringing it up either a) she's insecure about it or b) something in your relationship has changed and she knows its a problem with you.
Thyroid is also a good thought.
You can't make her change. You might be able to help her motivate herself to do the hard things, if she wants to change, but you can't make her want to change.
posted by anastasiav at 8:31 AM on March 20, 2006
don't believe in total, brutal honesty in relationships. If I said every thought that ever popped into my head, I would probably devastate the people I love. (And vice versa.) I think that's partly because society has a convention of not saying every hurtful thing that we think, so when someone says something seriously critical, it is taken seriously and tends to cause anxiety or even anguish. Maybe if we always spoke everything that we thought - no matter how critical - each individual criticism would not seem so severe. I think this sensitivity does vary person to person, but I think generally speaking we - at least Americans - are fairly sensitive to criticism. In my case, my parents are extremely supportive and affectionate, and I am very unused to critical comments so I take them quite seriously and don't react very well. I know other people who were raised differently, and they take criticism in stride better than I do. (And of course, personality plays in too.)
I don't like the "I'm worried about your health" approach at all. Unless you really are worried about her health - and at this point I don't think you should be, since 30 lbs is definitely still in the realm of acceptable weight gain, depending on her height etc. - than you would be quite deceitful and manipulative by using that approach.
I say, go with the "you mention it alot, so it sounds like you're unhappy with your weight" approach (Ori) and try to figure out solutions she can stick with. Making exercise fun is always helpful. Is it possible there's a cool, exciting gym nearby she would enjoy? Can you challenge each other - is there something you need to work on - can you set goals and see who achieves their goal first? Can you figure out what exercise she likes best, and encourage her to do it. (Lots of good advise along those lines above.) Just exercising probably won't make her lose the weight, though. She needs to stop eating the junk food. For that she really needs a commitment to lose weight - that's why I suggest some sort of competition, or reward plan. She could give herself the reward - she gets "x reward - e.g. clothing, hair treatment, vacation, pedicure, concert, jewelry, etc. etc." or you could, if you want to.
posted by Amizu at 9:16 AM on March 20, 2006
I don't like the "I'm worried about your health" approach at all. Unless you really are worried about her health - and at this point I don't think you should be, since 30 lbs is definitely still in the realm of acceptable weight gain, depending on her height etc. - than you would be quite deceitful and manipulative by using that approach.
I say, go with the "you mention it alot, so it sounds like you're unhappy with your weight" approach (Ori) and try to figure out solutions she can stick with. Making exercise fun is always helpful. Is it possible there's a cool, exciting gym nearby she would enjoy? Can you challenge each other - is there something you need to work on - can you set goals and see who achieves their goal first? Can you figure out what exercise she likes best, and encourage her to do it. (Lots of good advise along those lines above.) Just exercising probably won't make her lose the weight, though. She needs to stop eating the junk food. For that she really needs a commitment to lose weight - that's why I suggest some sort of competition, or reward plan. She could give herself the reward - she gets "x reward - e.g. clothing, hair treatment, vacation, pedicure, concert, jewelry, etc. etc." or you could, if you want to.
posted by Amizu at 9:16 AM on March 20, 2006
I agree that "total, brutal honesty" is naive and misguided, but neither would I lie in your situation. In fact, I've been in your situation and I haven't lied. Folks above are confusing the notion of answering her repeated question gently and honestly with walking up to her, out of the blue, and yelling, "YOU'RE A FATASS!!" Not. The. Same.
I always answer the "How does this make me look" questions honestly. I've found this results in two things: I get asked less often, and my replies are appreciated more. In your shoes, with a girl who kept bringing up the issue....? Yeah. I'd be honest. And ignore anyone who assumes you're incapable of doing that without being rude.
posted by cribcage at 10:57 AM on March 20, 2006
I always answer the "How does this make me look" questions honestly. I've found this results in two things: I get asked less often, and my replies are appreciated more. In your shoes, with a girl who kept bringing up the issue....? Yeah. I'd be honest. And ignore anyone who assumes you're incapable of doing that without being rude.
posted by cribcage at 10:57 AM on March 20, 2006
Also, how old are you? Maybe she's just not done growing yet. I've known quite a few girls that were thin & hot when they were 18-20, but chubby at 25 despite the fact that they eat right & got plenty of exercise.
Maybe she's just pudgy. It happens.
posted by drstein at 12:01 PM on March 20, 2006
Maybe she's just pudgy. It happens.
posted by drstein at 12:01 PM on March 20, 2006
I'm in your situation. The sex dropped off a bit and I point blank asked BF. Yes, the 25 extra pounds I'm carrying is an issue (he's carrying about 40 extra). So, we're both back to the gym. :-) But it depends on what kind of relationship you have whether you can tell her the truth or not. BF and I adore each other, soulmates if you believe in them. I CHERISH the fact that he's honest with me. I don;t resent it. Does it make me feel bad? Yes. Do I know he still loves me anyway? Yes. We KNOW that sex is a HUGE part of a relationship. It can literally make it or break it. So, be honest if you can. If you can't, maybe it's time to look for something more. :-) I'm glad I did.
posted by VegasAnna at 5:21 PM on April 17, 2006
posted by VegasAnna at 5:21 PM on April 17, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
Truth destroys relationships. Lie to her, and get your jollies from internet porn. She already knows the truth -- that she keeps asking demonstartes this -- and she'll understand why you're slowly growing apart as love is replaced by ritual and play-acting and excuses and evasions. Many people are more than willing to have empty soul-less shells of relationships, and there's no reason you should expect anything more than this.
But whatever you do, don't tell her the truth. Don't think you're showing her respect by telling her the truth; you'll only be triggering her anxiety and irrationality, as you already point out.
Just learn to live the lie.
posted by orthogonality at 8:27 PM on March 19, 2006