I want to be freee (from thoughts about whether I'm hot or not)
April 26, 2020 10:36 AM Subscribe
My body image is unstable and takes up so much mental real estate... Please teach me how to switch this part of my brain off.
A few years ago I went through a situation that was like Chinese water torture for my body image and self-esteem. Currently my mood and body image fluctuates a lot based on how I'm looking or how other people behave around me. I know I can't control it and can't control other people's opinions, I don't want to get plastic surgery and remember people telling me I'm alright looking / cute / above average even though I have a few awkward features. And in theory, that is enough the world doesn't owe me universally-regarded attractiveness, or certainty about this.
And yet currently I care a lot about whether everyone likes my looks or not. It affects my mood and interferes with all the other things I want to get done during the day. I feel very frustrated by this, I remember a time when I truly didnt care about how I looked and weren't always monitoring my appearance or my perceptions of how attractive other people found me. It's SO annoying, I want to backtrack to the simpler days when my looks weren't always a nagging thought at the back of my mind.
So how do I stop caring? I want to get to that state that many people seem to be in, where I am motivated to keep taking care of my grooming etc and make efforts to look put together, but am otherwise carefree and comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to not wonder if I'm pretty enough, and not care (because really truly most of the time, it doesn't matter). Has anyone been able to overcome this? Please could you share your stories / advice?
Thank you!!
A few years ago I went through a situation that was like Chinese water torture for my body image and self-esteem. Currently my mood and body image fluctuates a lot based on how I'm looking or how other people behave around me. I know I can't control it and can't control other people's opinions, I don't want to get plastic surgery and remember people telling me I'm alright looking / cute / above average even though I have a few awkward features. And in theory, that is enough the world doesn't owe me universally-regarded attractiveness, or certainty about this.
And yet currently I care a lot about whether everyone likes my looks or not. It affects my mood and interferes with all the other things I want to get done during the day. I feel very frustrated by this, I remember a time when I truly didnt care about how I looked and weren't always monitoring my appearance or my perceptions of how attractive other people found me. It's SO annoying, I want to backtrack to the simpler days when my looks weren't always a nagging thought at the back of my mind.
So how do I stop caring? I want to get to that state that many people seem to be in, where I am motivated to keep taking care of my grooming etc and make efforts to look put together, but am otherwise carefree and comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to not wonder if I'm pretty enough, and not care (because really truly most of the time, it doesn't matter). Has anyone been able to overcome this? Please could you share your stories / advice?
Thank you!!
I also found it really helpful to look at queer style, like butch and androgynous people. I maybe don't enjoy or feel like I look good in a crop top with lipstick. But if I can wear a muscle tee for yoga and go, "hey, I look like a badass!" that is a whole new way to feel good about myself.
posted by Lady Li at 11:03 AM on April 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 11:03 AM on April 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
I used to care a lot about my appearance... but then I got diagnosed with MS. It really put into perspective the beauty of what bodies can do rather than what they look like. Now I have a daily reminder that my body could go haywire at any time, but really this was true even before my diagnosis and it's true for everyone.
Now I wake up every day grateful I can still walk my dog or do some yoga. And if something does go wrong, and I can't walk, well, then I'll be grateful that I can still use my arms to paint. Or whatever! I've refocused so much more of my energy on the functionality of my body rather than its appearance, and I deeply regret that I didn't do this more before I found out about my disease.
Of course, I don't recommend getting MS. But maybe take up a sport and marvel at what your body is capable of? See how it adapts and changes and be super grateful that it's carrying you through this world and allowing you to do whatever you want to do! So what if someone doesn't like your legs? They just helped you run a mile! So what if someone doesn't like your nose? It just helped you BREATHE!!! Bodies are amazing regardless of their appearance, yours included.
posted by thebots at 11:07 AM on April 26, 2020 [13 favorites]
Now I wake up every day grateful I can still walk my dog or do some yoga. And if something does go wrong, and I can't walk, well, then I'll be grateful that I can still use my arms to paint. Or whatever! I've refocused so much more of my energy on the functionality of my body rather than its appearance, and I deeply regret that I didn't do this more before I found out about my disease.
Of course, I don't recommend getting MS. But maybe take up a sport and marvel at what your body is capable of? See how it adapts and changes and be super grateful that it's carrying you through this world and allowing you to do whatever you want to do! So what if someone doesn't like your legs? They just helped you run a mile! So what if someone doesn't like your nose? It just helped you BREATHE!!! Bodies are amazing regardless of their appearance, yours included.
posted by thebots at 11:07 AM on April 26, 2020 [13 favorites]
Did you see this question? A lot of the answers speak to your question and are insightful.
posted by CMcG at 11:12 AM on April 26, 2020
posted by CMcG at 11:12 AM on April 26, 2020
1. If you use Instagram- unfollow every single "conventionally hot" influencer and celebrity you follow. Just. Unfollow. Them. You can always add back a few later if you actually miss them.
Similarly, if you find yourself comparing yourself to friends but you can't unfollow them for social reasons, "mute" them. Again you can unmute later, but first you need to detox your flawed perceptions around what human bodies "should" look like.
2. If you don't use Instagram, create an account.
3. Start following many people who have "unconventional" looks outside the narrow boundaries of the North American beauty myth: European-type facial features / slim build / perky breasts / long wavy hair / poreless skin.
Find and follow beautiful, confident people of different races, confident people of all sizes, people with disabilities, people with tattoos, burn scars, acne, facial differences, etc.
Search using hashtags like #wheelchair #fat #burnsurvivor #amputee #mastectomy #bodypositive #melanin #acne #scars #disability, etc. Peek through your "Instagram Suggests" page and find even more people to follow.
Inundate yourself, and acclimate yourself, to "different", unvarnished, unconventionally recognized, unedited humanity, until you can truly see that all bodies are beautiful and yours is awesome because ALL bodies are inherently worthy of admiration and respect.
I did this a few years ago and the change it created in my own preoccupation with my appearance was immense. Highly recommend.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:24 AM on April 26, 2020 [19 favorites]
Similarly, if you find yourself comparing yourself to friends but you can't unfollow them for social reasons, "mute" them. Again you can unmute later, but first you need to detox your flawed perceptions around what human bodies "should" look like.
2. If you don't use Instagram, create an account.
3. Start following many people who have "unconventional" looks outside the narrow boundaries of the North American beauty myth: European-type facial features / slim build / perky breasts / long wavy hair / poreless skin.
Find and follow beautiful, confident people of different races, confident people of all sizes, people with disabilities, people with tattoos, burn scars, acne, facial differences, etc.
Search using hashtags like #wheelchair #fat #burnsurvivor #amputee #mastectomy #bodypositive #melanin #acne #scars #disability, etc. Peek through your "Instagram Suggests" page and find even more people to follow.
Inundate yourself, and acclimate yourself, to "different", unvarnished, unconventionally recognized, unedited humanity, until you can truly see that all bodies are beautiful and yours is awesome because ALL bodies are inherently worthy of admiration and respect.
I did this a few years ago and the change it created in my own preoccupation with my appearance was immense. Highly recommend.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:24 AM on April 26, 2020 [19 favorites]
I have the same issue and my therapist views it as a form of OCD. I’m not anywhere close to resolving it, but it is kind of a relief to see it as disordered, rather than normal thoughts I’m supposed to be having. (Previously I felt these thoughts were what I deserved to think as a non-model.)
posted by kapers at 11:27 AM on April 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by kapers at 11:27 AM on April 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
Do you like other people who aren't pretty enough, are you ever fascinated by people that you don't think are attractive? Do you ever notice someone's "flaws" at first meeting and later feel completely different, not just about them, but about how you think they look? not that you forgive them for being imperfect-looking, but that you don't think of them in those dehumanizing terms at all.
I am not trying to provoke you into a defensive Yes of course I do but it's different for me. though if that is the answer, that's the answer.
but I think sometimes people assume the answer to that question is Yes for everyone with this trouble, and sometimes that's not true -- sometimes the answer is No, not really. and then when people tell you to treat and judge yourself as you would treat and judge others, that just makes it worse, because you already do and now there's an extra layer of shame that you can't admit. If you notice other people's looks more than you want to, too, that would be a really fruitful angle to approach it from. and I don't think this is uncommon.
on the other hand, if you do have the standard Yes answer -- yes, I judge other people by humane and human standards, and it's only me who has to be beautiful and hot -- then the real question is: Why are you different from other people?
it's hard to ask that in a non-accusatory way, like I don't mean What makes you think you're so special. what I mean is that if you're trying to get at a way to fix the problem that doesn't get sidetracked into ultimately unsatisfying and harmful ways to "fix" your looks, then the problem sounds more like alienation and disconnection, like a sense that you are just not like other people. Therapy with its ways of thinking is no good for making people prettier or making them feel prettier, but it might something to offer for a deep belief that you have something uniquely wrong with you or different about you, & have to compensate for that unknown or unspeakable thing or bridge that gap of difference by offering an extra thing to compensate -- extreme beauty, perfect courtesy, lack of physical fault, whatever.
maybe this is all bullshit! some of it definitely is. but it can be useful to reason out a different "real" problem underneath the one causing you trouble, even if it isn't necessarily objectively true. because reframing and thus redirecting the subject matter of your obsessive focus is a relief all by itself.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:36 AM on April 26, 2020 [8 favorites]
I am not trying to provoke you into a defensive Yes of course I do but it's different for me. though if that is the answer, that's the answer.
but I think sometimes people assume the answer to that question is Yes for everyone with this trouble, and sometimes that's not true -- sometimes the answer is No, not really. and then when people tell you to treat and judge yourself as you would treat and judge others, that just makes it worse, because you already do and now there's an extra layer of shame that you can't admit. If you notice other people's looks more than you want to, too, that would be a really fruitful angle to approach it from. and I don't think this is uncommon.
on the other hand, if you do have the standard Yes answer -- yes, I judge other people by humane and human standards, and it's only me who has to be beautiful and hot -- then the real question is: Why are you different from other people?
it's hard to ask that in a non-accusatory way, like I don't mean What makes you think you're so special. what I mean is that if you're trying to get at a way to fix the problem that doesn't get sidetracked into ultimately unsatisfying and harmful ways to "fix" your looks, then the problem sounds more like alienation and disconnection, like a sense that you are just not like other people. Therapy with its ways of thinking is no good for making people prettier or making them feel prettier, but it might something to offer for a deep belief that you have something uniquely wrong with you or different about you, & have to compensate for that unknown or unspeakable thing or bridge that gap of difference by offering an extra thing to compensate -- extreme beauty, perfect courtesy, lack of physical fault, whatever.
maybe this is all bullshit! some of it definitely is. but it can be useful to reason out a different "real" problem underneath the one causing you trouble, even if it isn't necessarily objectively true. because reframing and thus redirecting the subject matter of your obsessive focus is a relief all by itself.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:36 AM on April 26, 2020 [8 favorites]
"The Beauty Myth" helped my thinking. It talks about how the makeup, skincare, hair, weightloss industries actively work to make women feel inadequate.
Women who feel insecure can be compelled to spend hundreds of dollars on marginally effective products. Confident women won't spend the time or money on those products.
When I understood that this societal obsession was manufactured, it helped me resist it.
posted by cheesecake at 11:55 AM on April 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
Women who feel insecure can be compelled to spend hundreds of dollars on marginally effective products. Confident women won't spend the time or money on those products.
When I understood that this societal obsession was manufactured, it helped me resist it.
posted by cheesecake at 11:55 AM on April 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
Although it won’t provide all the answers, I highly recommend Beauty Sick: How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women, by Renee Engeln. She deeply examines how pervasive the forces are that causes us to feel/think like this, with all its ramifications; what we’re losing by doing it; and personal stories from women of all ages about their personal struggles and triumphs on this front.
She has suggestions for things to do, and it should, at the very least, make you angry, and you can let that fury at how f*ed up this is and how it’s not your fault, help drive the changes you want to make. Righteous wrath and solidarity for the win!
One thing that has helped me as I enter middle age, has been to try to just accept the changes in my body, specifically weight gain. If I’ve gone up a size, then I buy new pants that fit and I never tell myself that someday I’ll be smaller again. I get rid of the clothes that are now too small so they never make me feel like there’s something wrong with me because they don’t fit. And I work hard at telling myself I look fine the new way. In fact, it’s hard now for me to imagine being the size I used to be. I must have been so thin, not that I felt that way then. That also helps me, to know that I couldn’t see myself accurately then, so I probably don’t see myself accurately now either. Good luck!
posted by sumiami at 12:43 PM on April 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
She has suggestions for things to do, and it should, at the very least, make you angry, and you can let that fury at how f*ed up this is and how it’s not your fault, help drive the changes you want to make. Righteous wrath and solidarity for the win!
One thing that has helped me as I enter middle age, has been to try to just accept the changes in my body, specifically weight gain. If I’ve gone up a size, then I buy new pants that fit and I never tell myself that someday I’ll be smaller again. I get rid of the clothes that are now too small so they never make me feel like there’s something wrong with me because they don’t fit. And I work hard at telling myself I look fine the new way. In fact, it’s hard now for me to imagine being the size I used to be. I must have been so thin, not that I felt that way then. That also helps me, to know that I couldn’t see myself accurately then, so I probably don’t see myself accurately now either. Good luck!
posted by sumiami at 12:43 PM on April 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
In my personal experience, I become intensely attracted to specific people who, if you were to dispassionately evaluate their "objective" looks on paper, would be average or weird-looking.
Sure, sometimes I am attracted to people that I also consider "pretty" or "handsome", but the overlap in that Venn diagram is very small. I don't assume that everyone else works the same way, but some other people probably do. So while you and I and every other person in the world may not appear attractive to everyone, or even most people we meet, we're almost certainly attractive to somebody.
I don't know if that helps or not. I wish you all the best.
posted by confluency at 2:15 PM on April 26, 2020
Sure, sometimes I am attracted to people that I also consider "pretty" or "handsome", but the overlap in that Venn diagram is very small. I don't assume that everyone else works the same way, but some other people probably do. So while you and I and every other person in the world may not appear attractive to everyone, or even most people we meet, we're almost certainly attractive to somebody.
I don't know if that helps or not. I wish you all the best.
posted by confluency at 2:15 PM on April 26, 2020
If you don't use Instagram, create an account.
Start following many people who have "unconventional" looks outside the narrow boundaries of the North American beauty myth: European-type facial features / slim build / perky breasts / long wavy hair/poreless skin.
I did this a few years ago and the change it created in my own preoccupation with my appearance was immense. Highly recommend.
I had the exact opposite experience. I found doing this made me feel just as bad but in a different way. If you're a minority and your insecurities are related to that or to some other aspect of your appearance that is not represented or celebrated in mainstream media, it might be different for you, but mine were around weight, so looking at skinny women of any kind absolutely did not make me feel better. And oddly, I think looking at overweight models was even worse, because many of these women still had a very traditional, ascetically-pleasing shape (cellulite was minimal to non-existent, they did not have batwings or FUPAs, had big boobs).
There was also sometimes an undercurrent of fetishization in comments/captions and slight negging on people who look closer to mainstream that made me feel boring and plain and just served as a continual reminder of how people will judge you on looks and of the now new additional ways I could never measure up.
I feel better staying away from social media entirely and focusing on my interests and hobbies and the other benefits to taking care of my body aside from pleasing other people. Taking a break from dating was also a huge help.
posted by unannihilated at 2:15 PM on April 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
Start following many people who have "unconventional" looks outside the narrow boundaries of the North American beauty myth: European-type facial features / slim build / perky breasts / long wavy hair/poreless skin.
I did this a few years ago and the change it created in my own preoccupation with my appearance was immense. Highly recommend.
I had the exact opposite experience. I found doing this made me feel just as bad but in a different way. If you're a minority and your insecurities are related to that or to some other aspect of your appearance that is not represented or celebrated in mainstream media, it might be different for you, but mine were around weight, so looking at skinny women of any kind absolutely did not make me feel better. And oddly, I think looking at overweight models was even worse, because many of these women still had a very traditional, ascetically-pleasing shape (cellulite was minimal to non-existent, they did not have batwings or FUPAs, had big boobs).
There was also sometimes an undercurrent of fetishization in comments/captions and slight negging on people who look closer to mainstream that made me feel boring and plain and just served as a continual reminder of how people will judge you on looks and of the now new additional ways I could never measure up.
I feel better staying away from social media entirely and focusing on my interests and hobbies and the other benefits to taking care of my body aside from pleasing other people. Taking a break from dating was also a huge help.
posted by unannihilated at 2:15 PM on April 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
Just accept that you are SMOKING HOT, and that's the burden you must bear. You didn't ask to be this hot. It's not your fault, just keep living your life and be kind.
posted by cyndigo at 4:51 PM on April 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by cyndigo at 4:51 PM on April 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
I look in the mirror at whatever part that doesn't conform to our society's narrow standard of beauty and being really present in the moment, I mentally tell myself I am beautiful. How many times a day do we lie to ourselves to justify a desired outcome? (Ex: "It's too late to start that project." "I'm too tired now, I'll just wake up early tomorrow.") Why can't we also tell ourselves truths for the same effect?
I also do what someone above mentions....focus on all the amazing things I can do with my body. I changed the story I told myself. If my internal voice is positive, I don't find myself looking for that validation from others.
posted by pdxhiker at 6:35 PM on April 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
I also do what someone above mentions....focus on all the amazing things I can do with my body. I changed the story I told myself. If my internal voice is positive, I don't find myself looking for that validation from others.
posted by pdxhiker at 6:35 PM on April 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
I agree with relentlessly hiding / muting body image focused stuff on your social media. You don’t need to replace it with anything besides stuff you are actually for real interested in. Also mute / hide / report as spam any ads that trigger this stuff. This is something I have struggled with a lot and can give more details if you want to send me a message I’d be happy to talk about it.
One more thing I want you to know: this is doable, seriously. I did it — I still have intrusive thoughts now and then but whatever - I am so so stoked to be where I am at now with this stuff and I wish more people had told me that it is actually possible. I’m telling you, it is.
posted by capnsue at 7:07 PM on April 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
One more thing I want you to know: this is doable, seriously. I did it — I still have intrusive thoughts now and then but whatever - I am so so stoked to be where I am at now with this stuff and I wish more people had told me that it is actually possible. I’m telling you, it is.
posted by capnsue at 7:07 PM on April 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
I took up weightlifting recently. Feeling stronger has helped diminish some of these types of thoughts. There have been visible changes as well. They are subtle but noticeable, but don't focus on them. They are just an added benefit. The real reward is strength and ability to do more.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 5:27 AM on April 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 5:27 AM on April 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
Seconding looking for OCD-specific resources. These are basically intrusive thoughts. You can go looking for a deeper meaning to them but honestly that can be a giant waste of time, and worse, hunting for meaning can end up reinforcing that those thoughts are “important” to figure out, which is counterproductive.
posted by en forme de poire at 9:53 AM on May 13, 2020
posted by en forme de poire at 9:53 AM on May 13, 2020
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posted by Lady Li at 11:01 AM on April 26, 2020 [3 favorites]