Should I be a DV haven in the time of the Corona Virus?
March 28, 2020 8:19 AM Subscribe
I have a friend who's experiencing DV. She wants to come stay far away from her abuser (in Seattle) with me in the Mojave desert in California. I'm eager to help but anxious for several reasons.
My friend is in a desperate situation on several fronts and wants to go on the lam. I've always told her she could always stay with me. Before pandemic. I have lung disease associated with lupus and husband has cystic fibrosis (very under control with the new gene therapy). She has been quarantined for two weeks in Seattle, but it was the epicenter of infection before that, and she went to house shows and clubs.
How likely is it she is infected? She would have to take a plane to get here - how much of an infection risk is that? Would it be prudent to quarantine her myself (her room has its own bathroom)? I'd love to provide sanctuary and sun, but social distancing or imposing my own quarantine on her would be painful when she needs support.
I haven't found any friends in Seattle who can take her in, and she's unquestionably got to move because of DV and losing her dad this week (and DV arising from being too sensitive about losing her dad, ugh). I understand the impulse. YANMD, but how much risk is there?
She has no symptoms. I thought maybe we could have her wear gloves and a mask on the plane then take a shower right away? But we have been ultra fastidious, and this is an exponentially bigger risk than we planned to take. It's just hard with a human weight on the other side. What is the right thing to say if we can't do this? She is a very close friend and I'm very sad her husband is hitting her. If I can take her in, I would/will do it.
My friend is in a desperate situation on several fronts and wants to go on the lam. I've always told her she could always stay with me. Before pandemic. I have lung disease associated with lupus and husband has cystic fibrosis (very under control with the new gene therapy). She has been quarantined for two weeks in Seattle, but it was the epicenter of infection before that, and she went to house shows and clubs.
How likely is it she is infected? She would have to take a plane to get here - how much of an infection risk is that? Would it be prudent to quarantine her myself (her room has its own bathroom)? I'd love to provide sanctuary and sun, but social distancing or imposing my own quarantine on her would be painful when she needs support.
I haven't found any friends in Seattle who can take her in, and she's unquestionably got to move because of DV and losing her dad this week (and DV arising from being too sensitive about losing her dad, ugh). I understand the impulse. YANMD, but how much risk is there?
She has no symptoms. I thought maybe we could have her wear gloves and a mask on the plane then take a shower right away? But we have been ultra fastidious, and this is an exponentially bigger risk than we planned to take. It's just hard with a human weight on the other side. What is the right thing to say if we can't do this? She is a very close friend and I'm very sad her husband is hitting her. If I can take her in, I would/will do it.
Lack of symptoms doesn't mean she's not infected. She needs to be tested and confirmed to be healthy before being around others during a trip and during a stay with you, especially since you're in the vulnerable category.
posted by davcoo at 8:34 AM on March 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by davcoo at 8:34 AM on March 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
As with pharm: can you isolate them within your place? Separate bathroom seems promising. It seems like the likelihood of DV exceeds the likelihood of infection (but I'm just a net-rando).
Sorry, I don't know US geography well, but could they drive, rather than fly? (even in an expensive rented car?)
Without your own health caveats I'd say 'yes' in a second. If you could host them, with their own bathroom, and still be isolated from each other for a month or so, still yes.
posted by pompomtom at 8:39 AM on March 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
Sorry, I don't know US geography well, but could they drive, rather than fly? (even in an expensive rented car?)
Without your own health caveats I'd say 'yes' in a second. If you could host them, with their own bathroom, and still be isolated from each other for a month or so, still yes.
posted by pompomtom at 8:39 AM on March 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
Also: perhaps can someone call the cops, and get this arsehole locked up for assault?
posted by pompomtom at 8:42 AM on March 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by pompomtom at 8:42 AM on March 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
Would it be feasible to put her up in a motel for two weeks to self-quarantine? (REALLY self-quarantine. You can drop bags of groceries on her door.) Y'all can talk on the phone, video conferencing, chat etc for providing support. Getting her out IS support.
That would be a safer solution than self-quarantine in your house, especially if you think she will not be 100% compliant or it will be too tempting for you to decide to fudge quarantine.
Testing will likely be impossible, it just is not accessible in California without symptoms or confirmed exposure unless you are famous and/or a professional sportsman. There's no way to hinge a plan on that.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:54 AM on March 28, 2020 [22 favorites]
That would be a safer solution than self-quarantine in your house, especially if you think she will not be 100% compliant or it will be too tempting for you to decide to fudge quarantine.
Testing will likely be impossible, it just is not accessible in California without symptoms or confirmed exposure unless you are famous and/or a professional sportsman. There's no way to hinge a plan on that.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:54 AM on March 28, 2020 [22 favorites]
This is doable as long as you're all vigilant-- I want to say hypervigilant because you and your partner both have respiratory and immune issues. Wanting to provide sanctuary and sun is good but you and your partner truly need to protect yourselves from being infected, and she might get some relief from being able to take steps to protect you. She will need to really, truly self-quarantine in your house for 2-3 weeks after she arrives from the airport just in case she picked it up at the airport or on the flight, OR from her abusive partner. She gets her own bathroom, groceries at the door. Mask and gloves on the plane. When she comes to your house, have her do what my ICU nurse aunt does before entering her home-- shoes outside, outer layer of clothes off and into a bag to be washed immediately, take a shower and wash her hair. It will really fucking suck if you want nothing more than to hug her, but with the medical conditions you're describing she's going to need to go full ET hazmat procedure coming into a double lung condition, immune disorder household. If that sounds like too much for her or you logistically, tell her exactly that. Good luck.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 9:22 AM on March 28, 2020
posted by moonlight on vermont at 9:22 AM on March 28, 2020
Response by poster: *sigh* You're right about the risk of exposure being too high. I have talked with her about this. She's calling back up people. She just felt most comfortable asking me, as I have offered. I feel terrible.
posted by sweltering at 9:30 AM on March 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by sweltering at 9:30 AM on March 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: As for the police, they are people of color. It's really dicey to call the police if you're a person of color in the states. Believe me, I wish it were not so.
posted by sweltering at 11:09 AM on March 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by sweltering at 11:09 AM on March 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
She can call the Family Violence Shelter in her area; they will have resources to help, and may be able to find a place for her. AirBNBs are empty, that could be an option. It's not easy to shelter in place alone, esp. since she's in an emotionally painful state, but facetime, google hangout, etc., are very helpful.
posted by theora55 at 11:22 AM on March 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 11:22 AM on March 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
DomesticShelters.org Plug in her zip code and it will pull up domestic violence agencies in her area. I work for a domestic violence agency, and from what I’ve seen, we are all still open.
She can also call the Domestic Violence Hotline. They have a chat line if she can’t make a phone call without being overheard.
If none of these work for her for some reason, contact me either through MeMail, or twitter (listed in my profile. Twitter will get my attention faster.) There are other resources - most any DV agency will help anyone, regardless of where they’re located, by connecting them with resources they might not otherwise be able to find.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:53 AM on March 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
She can also call the Domestic Violence Hotline. They have a chat line if she can’t make a phone call without being overheard.
If none of these work for her for some reason, contact me either through MeMail, or twitter (listed in my profile. Twitter will get my attention faster.) There are other resources - most any DV agency will help anyone, regardless of where they’re located, by connecting them with resources they might not otherwise be able to find.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:53 AM on March 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: sweltering, I just want to tell you that you're wonderful person and a terrific friend. I doubt I'm going to articulate this in the way that I'd like, but please know that you have helped your friend, even though she can't take you up on your standing offer in this particular instance. Knowing that there's even one option is crucial; because of you, she could recognize her current situation as an emergency, talk to you, think of back-up plans, and reach out to other friends for help, too.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:35 PM on March 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:35 PM on March 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
here's a list of the dv orgs in Seattle; it looks like several are geared to poc.
posted by brujita at 1:58 PM on March 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by brujita at 1:58 PM on March 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by pharm at 8:21 AM on March 28, 2020 [5 favorites]