Domestic violence in the age or coronavirus

March 20, 2020 6:11 PM

What, if anything, should I do here?

My neighbors downstairs have had a volatile relationship for a while. It's not uncommon to hear them yelling at each other, followed by a loud crying session from the girlfriend. At first that was it--some yelling, some crying, then they move on. But lately it's become much more violent. I'll frequently hear them throwing things. To be fair, she often seems to be the one throwing things. I'll also hear her screaming at him about everything he's ever done wrong, and he'll start cursing at her and slamming doors etc. All in all not fun to listen to, but also not anything I ever felt warranted me saying anything or calling anyone. At times it's gotten bad, though. She'll cry for hours while they both scream hysterically. One day she cried so hard she threw up. He'll beg her to leave him alone sometimes because she's constantly yelling at him.

And then... today. Today they had the most violent fight I've ever heard, and I'm very concerned. I teach English online to kids in China, income I badly need right now, and I was in the middle of a class when I heard him screaming at her. It escalated quickly into her throwing a garbage can at him (literally - I heard him scream at her for it), followed by them starting to literally destroy the house, creating an incredible raucous, followed by her suddenly screaming at the top of her lungs and begging him to get off of her and let go of her. It was absolutely terrible and I was in the middle of my lesson and didn't know what to do. It was horrific to listen to. I started shaking during my lesson and it took everything I had to hold it together, and it doesn't even involve me or impose any threat to me at all.

She spent about an hour afterward in utter hysterics, just crying and screaming absolutely out of control. They were both completely, utterly out of control. In retrospect, yes, I should have told my student (a sweet four-year-old who would have had absolutely no idea what I was talking about), that I have an emergency, then called 9-1-1. I just froze up and didn't have the slightest idea of what to do. Short of our house being on fire, we're not supposed to stop teaching for anything.

So.... if it happens again I'll call 9-1-1. But is there anything else I should do? I've considered texting her asking if she's okay, but I've probably spoke to her all of four times since I moved in here. She's been kind, though - she cleaned my car off for me completely a couple of times when I was in a cast earlier this winter, and she made me feel welcome when I moved in. It feels weird to text her and I don't want to make her uncomfortable. But maybe she needs to hear that someone is concerned - if nothing else, it will make her realize just how much noise they're making. I'm double concerned because of the quarantine - the governor just mandated that all non-essential employees work from home. We're well on our way to a total lockdown. Even if they wanted to break up, how on earth could one of them move out in the midst of all this horror?

Also, okay, call the police if he gets physical with her. Fine. But what if they're "just" throwing things? This was the first time they've gotten that physical and I would expect to hear them throwing things again before it escalates to a full physical fight again. Is that enough to call 9-1-1?

Should I do anything else, like tell my landlord? I REALLY hesitate to do that - I don't want to be a snitch - but I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do here, if anything. Maybe I should just stay out of it? I don't know how I can with the level of violence I'm hearing. I'm scared for both of them, and it's taking an already challenging situation for me and making it even harder.

Any guidance appreciated. Thanks.

posted by Amy93 to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Response by poster: Forgive the typo in the title. Times are rough, y'all.
posted by Amy93 at 6:12 PM on March 20, 2020

Next time you hear any sort of conflict, call the police.

It matters much less how they sort out their living situation--much more that they stay alive.

COVID be damned, call the police.
posted by wpgr at 6:24 PM on March 20, 2020 [16 favorites]

This is a 911 situation, I'm sorry. Call them with a clear conscience next time.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:27 PM on March 20, 2020 [3 favorites]

I agree it's probably best to call the police next time you hear shouting/stuff being thrown. You can tell them about what happened last time. They'll come or not, that's not your decision.

You could also call the local station now and ask them what to do next time this happens. They'll probably tell you 911, and you can stop wondering.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:29 PM on March 20, 2020 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: One thing I forgot to add - she was talking about killing herself, too.

I feel terrible for not calling today. I just froze and didn't know what to do since I was teaching and badly need my students to keep booking me. I'll definitely call next time. I guess I just don't know how bad I should let it get before calling.

Bowing out now. Sorry for threadsitting.
posted by Amy93 at 6:30 PM on March 20, 2020

Also, okay, call the police if he gets physical with her. Fine.

I'd personally first off make a noise complaint to your housing management first then if that doesn't help call the police but I'd let them know that they are both aggressors because it sounds like they both are.

Don't text her, make assumptions or take sides here, they both sound like a fucking mess and you have no idea who is abusing who, if there are substance abuse issues if she's attacking him first or he is a violent lunatic or what is going on.
posted by fshgrl at 6:34 PM on March 20, 2020 [7 favorites]

This is for sure a call the police situation. You can remain anonymous. Don't contact either of them or get involved personally in any of it.

If you hear anything that indicates a person is going to be injured/attacked, is currently being injured/attacked, or is going to injure themselves/kill themselves, call 911. Those are all bonafide emergencies. It doesn't matter what the cause is. They could both be smoking homemade meth and hallucinating from sleep deprivation, who knows! If you ever hear something that sounds like someone is being physically hurt, that's when you get the authorities involved. Don't assume someone else will call, don't assume it's somehow not a true emergency, don't assume you're overreacting to it or just letting it get to you too much - following your instinct and call, then let the first responders respond and assess the situation. That's their job.
posted by zdravo at 6:44 PM on March 20, 2020 [7 favorites]

I'd call 911 immediately. He might actually kill her or rape her. The police should not divulge who called them, and in many jurisdictions will remove the aggressor without making the victim "press charges", taking some of the heat off a victim in a tense situation where she doesn't want to make the abuser even angrier. She needs to get "into the system" so that professionals in this sphere can help her.

You are in a position to potentially save her life. I understand your reluctance to get involved, but you could find out what services there are for abused women in your community and discreetly pass the information to her. Domestic violence organizations have heard and seen it all, and they will have concrete advice.

I think a complaint to the landlord, on the other hand, would probably get them evicted, making her situation potentially worse, since she could then be both homeless and dependent on her abuser.
posted by citygirl at 6:46 PM on March 20, 2020 [4 favorites]

I think you should get more expert advice than you'll find here. Call this hotline number, or use their chat function, and say everything you said here. You don't have to be a victim to call them and ask advice. You are probably also really shaken up and scared by this going on, and it would be good for you to also talk to them.
posted by EllaEm at 6:48 PM on March 20, 2020 [43 favorites]

Forgive yourself for freezing up. It's such a natural human response, we've all been there. You can be a mammal and still a good person.

I've been in a similar situation, with neighbors who fought so loudly it woke me up at night and scared me. I ignored it at first. Then called the doorman. Then called 911. I never really found out what came of that - no one involved me afterwards. I think next time I'd try to break out of that initial freeze and call sooner.
posted by 168 at 7:01 PM on March 20, 2020 [8 favorites]

Call the police NOW, tell them all of this and see what they say. Just ask.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:15 PM on March 20, 2020

Next time, call 911. Don't wait for gunshots.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:01 PM on March 20, 2020 [1 favorite]

It is perfectly acceptable to call 911 in these situations. You do not have to engage at all. You don't have a way to know what interaction will escalate the situation, so please leave it to professionals.

Be aware that agencies and resources for DV aren't operating like normal, some are not doing face to face encounters, and staffing has been minimized due to disruption. The hotlines are available and shelters are operating but this may vary based on location.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:11 PM on March 20, 2020 [2 favorites]

You can't know the resources available to them; a professional intervention might be the wake-up call that leads one or both of your neighbors to a much-needed stay with a friend or a relative. Government-mandated togetherness is unlikely to help their relationship dynamic.

(And you should be able to practice your livelihood, and enjoy peace of mind, in your own home. It is understandable that you froze up earlier today.)

I realize the Ask Metafilter subsite is like a pendulum ride when it comes to encouraging LEO involvement, but this is one instance where the majority of answers will be call the police.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:06 PM on March 20, 2020 [3 favorites]

Call the police and let them sort it out. Including determining, whether one - or both - of them is the problem.
posted by stormyteal at 11:02 PM on March 20, 2020 [3 favorites]

And, honestly, call your landlord. This is what you pay for as a renter. There is a major problem in your building, and the landlord should probably be involved at this point.
posted by chuntered inelegantly from a sedentary position at 11:06 PM on March 20, 2020 [5 favorites]

With regard to the immediate situation, yes, 911 when you hear it starting.

As far as longer term is concerned, you pay rent and as such you are entitled to what we lawyers describe as 'quiet enjoyment' of your apartment, that is, being able to occupy the place without major disruption. You're being denied that and it's also affecting your working environment, given that you work at home. The effect of your neighbours' behaviour on your ability to live peacefully in your apartment is something your landlord needs to deal with.
posted by essexjan at 4:59 AM on March 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

I've considered texting her asking if she's okay... Also, okay, call the police if he gets physical with her. Fine.

It’s really not clear that her partner is the (only) abuser in this situation. You should call 911 for both their sakes, next time. And when you do, please avoid coloring the responders’ perception of the situation — you don’t know enough about the situation to say that she is the (only) victim here.
posted by shb at 9:07 AM on March 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

Domestic violence was the first major concern that came to my mind when people were being told to self isolate. This is when they need the most support and I will echo those who say to call the police. I have done this for neighbours in the past. One thing I've realised from speaking to those neighbours once the relationships are over is that those situations were usually much worse than just the bits I could hear. Please call.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 9:40 AM on March 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

Take everyone else's safe advice.

I was in a situation like this for a few years, after we separated the neighbor told me they heard all the fights and yelling and were often fearful for my safety, their fingers "hovering" over the "911" buttons when my partner was yelling and verbally abusive. It meant a lot to me that someone else was a witness to my abuse, but I think she only felt safe telling me after he'd moved out of the building.

What I really could have used, though, was somewhere safe to go when things needed to "cool off," even if it was the building laundry room, or the rooftop. That's pretty impossible for her right now. Do what others are saying — call 911. What really needs to happen is they need to be apart.
posted by yearly at 7:56 AM on March 23, 2020 [1 favorite]