Happy medium between breastfeeding/pumping/formula?
March 9, 2020 9:19 AM Subscribe
Is there such a thing as happy medium between breastfeeding/pumping/formula? Or will breastfeeding get eventually better without driving me insane?
While pregnant, I naively thought I would "try" breastfeeding and see if I can do it exclusively for six months. Well, my one-month-old had to be supplemented during Week 1 due to slow weight gain. I tried to drop supplementing since the lactation consultants we saw at the hospital and at the week 1 check-in all agreed that she seemed to have a pretty good latch and she wanted to nurse constantly. Big mistake. She didn't gain much weight during week 2 so we had to go back to supplementing (with expressed milk and formula) and then she began to gain weight, to our big relief.
She also got diagnosed with tongue tie and got it released in week 2 so I was hoping that it will make a difference but after doing a weighed feed yesterday, it looks like she still can't transfer milk effectively, possibly due to shallow latch? I'll try to see yet another LC this week to see if we can fix this or if there's another issue.
In the meantime, after going through all these books and websites and forums to figure out what I've been doing wrong, I feel drained looking for the next magic solution and start to dread these breastfeeding sessions during which I have to be hyper vigilant about her latch and position and whether she's actively sucking and swallowing, constantly prodding her or doing breast compressions to make sure she's awake and swallowing. Even then, she may appear to be satisfied after being breastfed (falling asleep with limp arms) but she may wake up ravenously hungry again 3 minutes later and have to be supplemented - which I find a little... demoralizing? Like, what's the point of working so hard to breastfeed her for an hour if she's not satisfied and have to be supplemented?
Also, breastfeeding is supposed to be an emotionally bonding experience but my husband who handles the bottle feeding find it a lot more emotionally bonding and enjoyable than I ever did with breastfeeding. I honestly find breastfeeding stressful at this point - but it's not painful for me (e.g. no cracked/bloody nipple, just a little sore from feeding so often) and I don't seem to have milk supply issues (at least for now) so I feel like I should just buck up and deal with it.
I've been also pumping 3-4 times a day since supplementing (although I was told I should try to pump after every feeding to increase my milk supply - not sure when I am supposed to eat and sleep then?) and it feels like so much work for such little expressed milk (I've been told that you can just leave the pump parts in the fridge and wash them once at the end of the day but I've been a little paranoid about the CDC guidelines about washing them after every use). I guess the amount of expressed milk will increase if I pump more often or go exclusively pumping.
So I keep thinking there has to be some happy medium other than driving myself crazy with exclusively breastfeeding or exclusively pumping. I'm also tempted to just switch to formula and be done with it but I do feel guilty about it (even though my siblings and I were bottle fed and turned out fine). In short, I want to be able to actually enjoy her without being so stressed about her weight gain and feeding business.
So my questions are:
Will she learn to suck more efficiently in time?
Has anyone successfully and happily combined breastfeeding and formula? If so, how did it work for you schedule-wise? If we continue to supplement, will my milk supply eventually dry up and will I have to go 100% formula then?
Any pitfalls with introducing more formula feeding?
Any ways to make pumping less dreary or less time consuming?
While pregnant, I naively thought I would "try" breastfeeding and see if I can do it exclusively for six months. Well, my one-month-old had to be supplemented during Week 1 due to slow weight gain. I tried to drop supplementing since the lactation consultants we saw at the hospital and at the week 1 check-in all agreed that she seemed to have a pretty good latch and she wanted to nurse constantly. Big mistake. She didn't gain much weight during week 2 so we had to go back to supplementing (with expressed milk and formula) and then she began to gain weight, to our big relief.
She also got diagnosed with tongue tie and got it released in week 2 so I was hoping that it will make a difference but after doing a weighed feed yesterday, it looks like she still can't transfer milk effectively, possibly due to shallow latch? I'll try to see yet another LC this week to see if we can fix this or if there's another issue.
In the meantime, after going through all these books and websites and forums to figure out what I've been doing wrong, I feel drained looking for the next magic solution and start to dread these breastfeeding sessions during which I have to be hyper vigilant about her latch and position and whether she's actively sucking and swallowing, constantly prodding her or doing breast compressions to make sure she's awake and swallowing. Even then, she may appear to be satisfied after being breastfed (falling asleep with limp arms) but she may wake up ravenously hungry again 3 minutes later and have to be supplemented - which I find a little... demoralizing? Like, what's the point of working so hard to breastfeed her for an hour if she's not satisfied and have to be supplemented?
Also, breastfeeding is supposed to be an emotionally bonding experience but my husband who handles the bottle feeding find it a lot more emotionally bonding and enjoyable than I ever did with breastfeeding. I honestly find breastfeeding stressful at this point - but it's not painful for me (e.g. no cracked/bloody nipple, just a little sore from feeding so often) and I don't seem to have milk supply issues (at least for now) so I feel like I should just buck up and deal with it.
I've been also pumping 3-4 times a day since supplementing (although I was told I should try to pump after every feeding to increase my milk supply - not sure when I am supposed to eat and sleep then?) and it feels like so much work for such little expressed milk (I've been told that you can just leave the pump parts in the fridge and wash them once at the end of the day but I've been a little paranoid about the CDC guidelines about washing them after every use). I guess the amount of expressed milk will increase if I pump more often or go exclusively pumping.
So I keep thinking there has to be some happy medium other than driving myself crazy with exclusively breastfeeding or exclusively pumping. I'm also tempted to just switch to formula and be done with it but I do feel guilty about it (even though my siblings and I were bottle fed and turned out fine). In short, I want to be able to actually enjoy her without being so stressed about her weight gain and feeding business.
So my questions are:
Will she learn to suck more efficiently in time?
Has anyone successfully and happily combined breastfeeding and formula? If so, how did it work for you schedule-wise? If we continue to supplement, will my milk supply eventually dry up and will I have to go 100% formula then?
Any pitfalls with introducing more formula feeding?
Any ways to make pumping less dreary or less time consuming?
Breastfeeding can be stressful, and exhausting, and all that. I had thrush in both boobs, it was painful and horrible, and caused so much stress.
You can switch back and forth between boob/bottle. Pumping helps, but honestly, it was too much, so I nursed, and when I needed to, I added a bottle. I had a set up so baby was on the boob, also with a tube for formula, so got both at the same time.
Eventually, we got to nursing during the day, and bottle at night.
posted by Ftsqg at 9:27 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
You can switch back and forth between boob/bottle. Pumping helps, but honestly, it was too much, so I nursed, and when I needed to, I added a bottle. I had a set up so baby was on the boob, also with a tube for formula, so got both at the same time.
Eventually, we got to nursing during the day, and bottle at night.
posted by Ftsqg at 9:27 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
We supplemented with formula at the beginning, but phased it out in favor of pumped milk and some breastfeeding, and eventually phased out pumping as our daughter got better at breastfeeding.
It does eventually get better. Our daughter did get more efficient. If memory serves, by week 4 or so, we were done with formula, and by week 8 or so, we were done with pumping.
Ultimately you have to do what is right for you and your baby. But it sounds like you're actually on the right track, and you're probably in the toughest part now. I'd look for things to get a little easier over the next few weeks.
Another LC visit will help, I definitely think that's a good idea. See if there are any support groups for breastfeeding moms in your area. The support groups helped my wife a lot.
posted by vitout at 9:29 AM on March 9, 2020
It does eventually get better. Our daughter did get more efficient. If memory serves, by week 4 or so, we were done with formula, and by week 8 or so, we were done with pumping.
Ultimately you have to do what is right for you and your baby. But it sounds like you're actually on the right track, and you're probably in the toughest part now. I'd look for things to get a little easier over the next few weeks.
Another LC visit will help, I definitely think that's a good idea. See if there are any support groups for breastfeeding moms in your area. The support groups helped my wife a lot.
posted by vitout at 9:29 AM on March 9, 2020
Best answer: It sounds like you're still early on, which means that she likely will learn to suck more efficiently in time. Babies coming out knowing how to suck but not necessarily knowing how to get milk out of a breast; that part they have to learn.
If you what you really want is to stop breastfeeding then everyone here will give their blessing to do that.
But I do think the middle road you asked about exists. For starters, to relieve your own stress, can you do something like breastfeed for a set amount of time (say 15 minutes) and then offer a bottle? That gives her room to practice and develop her skills but also takes the pressure off you to fight with it for an hour and THEN have to feed her again.
For pumping after breastfeeding, IF it feels like your breasts are still full after baby's done, then pumping til they are emptied out isn't a bad idea and will help increase your milk production, IF that's something you want. One thing I didn't discover til my second child was that using the letdown button on the pump more than once (like, as soon as output slowed) could make things more efficient. YMMV, of course, because all this is so personal, but it might help reduce the time you spend on the pump.
But if you aren't concerned with increasing your milk production, then don't worry about it. Most bodies are pretty good at regulating milk supply to meet demand (and most babies are more efficient at causing that than most pumps. Again, YMMV.)
The most important thing, though, is to find ways to relieve your stress around breastfeeding; and whether that happens by stopping altogether, or reducing the amount of time you spend per feed, or replacing a feed (or more) with a bottle, or something else, is less important. Hopefully you'll get a variety of suggestions in this thread and you can find something that works for you and your baby.
posted by telepanda at 9:38 AM on March 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
If you what you really want is to stop breastfeeding then everyone here will give their blessing to do that.
But I do think the middle road you asked about exists. For starters, to relieve your own stress, can you do something like breastfeed for a set amount of time (say 15 minutes) and then offer a bottle? That gives her room to practice and develop her skills but also takes the pressure off you to fight with it for an hour and THEN have to feed her again.
For pumping after breastfeeding, IF it feels like your breasts are still full after baby's done, then pumping til they are emptied out isn't a bad idea and will help increase your milk production, IF that's something you want. One thing I didn't discover til my second child was that using the letdown button on the pump more than once (like, as soon as output slowed) could make things more efficient. YMMV, of course, because all this is so personal, but it might help reduce the time you spend on the pump.
But if you aren't concerned with increasing your milk production, then don't worry about it. Most bodies are pretty good at regulating milk supply to meet demand (and most babies are more efficient at causing that than most pumps. Again, YMMV.)
The most important thing, though, is to find ways to relieve your stress around breastfeeding; and whether that happens by stopping altogether, or reducing the amount of time you spend per feed, or replacing a feed (or more) with a bottle, or something else, is less important. Hopefully you'll get a variety of suggestions in this thread and you can find something that works for you and your baby.
posted by telepanda at 9:38 AM on March 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
If you would like to know what the medical research says, Alice Callahan has a really good book & blog, The Science of Mom, all about issues for the first year of childcare. Her book has a whole chapter on what research says about breast-feeding, formula-feeding, or combos. It's been a bit since I read it, but the take-away is: provided you have access to clean water and good formula, I don't recall there be any sustained benefits for children being breastfed (and anemia is less likely with formula), and whatever keeps a kid fed is best.
But I would definitely say don't listen to me (and my bad memory), but would recommend the book - Callahan has a PhD in Nutritional Biology, and applied her research experience to evaluate the evidence for her book.
posted by jb at 9:42 AM on March 9, 2020
But I would definitely say don't listen to me (and my bad memory), but would recommend the book - Callahan has a PhD in Nutritional Biology, and applied her research experience to evaluate the evidence for her book.
posted by jb at 9:42 AM on March 9, 2020
It took me several weeks to get over it hurting. And after a few more weeks, it became a really nice cuddly time. After 6 months, I started to lose weight and lost all my baby weight by his 1st birthday. But here's the deal: If it doesn't work pout for you, it's okay to go to formula.
The one thing I would try is to carve out several days and hang out in bed with the baby. Don't try to get anything else done, just rest, nurse, drink tea, hold the baby, watch some netflix. It sounds like you're under a ton of pressure, and I can't see how that helps. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 9:51 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
The one thing I would try is to carve out several days and hang out in bed with the baby. Don't try to get anything else done, just rest, nurse, drink tea, hold the baby, watch some netflix. It sounds like you're under a ton of pressure, and I can't see how that helps. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 9:51 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I don't have concrete advice, but I can offer an internet hug and say, this shit is hard, remember you are doing great at a tremendously difficult job, and take care of yourself to keep from burning out.
Our kid didn't breastfeed when he popped out. He hardly breastfed at all the first 48 hours, leading to having to supplement with formula. There was no mental or physical hurdle (other than a minor tongue tie which we clipped) and we had every expert to turn to, and we turned to them all. We tried everything. Everyone in the first month said breastfeeding would soon take.
It never did - he never became interested and it gradually became apparent to us that it probably wasn't ever going to happen. My wife pumped and we bottle fed him pumped milk till 8-9 months, using formula as emergency backup.
It was hard on her. In retrospect she says she would probably have quit pumping earlier so as to enjoy the first year more and spend more time happily bonding.
So he never breastfed. He was a colicky, underweight baby, but he never really fell sick. Around six months, he suddenly and automatically went from being kind of always cranky to a sunnier disposition (unrelated to feeding or anything else AFAIK). Today he is nearly four years old, and you never saw a happier, funnier, healthier kid, and all three of us love our lives.
posted by splitpeasoup at 10:21 AM on March 9, 2020
Our kid didn't breastfeed when he popped out. He hardly breastfed at all the first 48 hours, leading to having to supplement with formula. There was no mental or physical hurdle (other than a minor tongue tie which we clipped) and we had every expert to turn to, and we turned to them all. We tried everything. Everyone in the first month said breastfeeding would soon take.
It never did - he never became interested and it gradually became apparent to us that it probably wasn't ever going to happen. My wife pumped and we bottle fed him pumped milk till 8-9 months, using formula as emergency backup.
It was hard on her. In retrospect she says she would probably have quit pumping earlier so as to enjoy the first year more and spend more time happily bonding.
So he never breastfed. He was a colicky, underweight baby, but he never really fell sick. Around six months, he suddenly and automatically went from being kind of always cranky to a sunnier disposition (unrelated to feeding or anything else AFAIK). Today he is nearly four years old, and you never saw a happier, funnier, healthier kid, and all three of us love our lives.
posted by splitpeasoup at 10:21 AM on March 9, 2020
Best answer: Yes this is possible. I supplemented from 7 weeks on, released a tongue tie, and continued to breastfeed until my kid was almost 2. She enjoyed the boob but got more nutrition from formula (my supply was about 2 oz/feed and I never managed to increase it.)
I would like you to feel enormously comfortable stopping whatever extraordinary efforts you are putting in to increase your supply, if that makes you more relaxed and comfortable when you are with your baby. For me, taping the little tube to my breast to formula feed while suckling was where I drew the line - after 2 weeks of trying, it was just too fucking hard.
I still have no idea where our breastfeeding relationship went “wrong” but am glad that formula was an option that we had, and so very glad that we are past that period in our lives. You sound like you are piecing it all together really well, so I’m just here to cheer you on. Memail me if you’d like to vent.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:22 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I would like you to feel enormously comfortable stopping whatever extraordinary efforts you are putting in to increase your supply, if that makes you more relaxed and comfortable when you are with your baby. For me, taping the little tube to my breast to formula feed while suckling was where I drew the line - after 2 weeks of trying, it was just too fucking hard.
I still have no idea where our breastfeeding relationship went “wrong” but am glad that formula was an option that we had, and so very glad that we are past that period in our lives. You sound like you are piecing it all together really well, so I’m just here to cheer you on. Memail me if you’d like to vent.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:22 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I had to exclusively breastfeed due to my kid’s rare genetic disorder, so I spent a lot of time pumping. Two things that made it tolerable: Netflix when at home, and reading embarrassing amounts of Harry Potter fan fiction on my phone when pumping at work. I watched all of the Office and all of Parks and Rec while pumping - 100% recommend happy sitcoms that you can easily pause and resume.
Also, you really can refrigerate the pumping parts and wash them once per day - I know anxiety is real, but please save yourself the time, effort, and hassle and ask your husband to wash those parts nightly!
I spent my son’s first couple months in and out of the doctors office 3 times per week for weigh-ins and specialist and lactation consultant appointments, and he got so much better at breastfeeding with time. Part of it was just that he was so tiny and unfortunately stayed so tiny for a while - his mouth was too small to latch well. We did all the things: nipple shields, syringes of milk, days in bed nursing, bottles, diaper changes to wake him up between boobs, setting alarm clocks to feed him every 3 hours, etc. He dropped off the growth chart for a while but eventually started gaining weight and has been at the 80th percentile ever once. I’m sorry you’re having such a stressful time, but please know that it will get easier as your baby gets older, regardless of what feeding path you take. Hugs (of the non-painful boob contact kind).
posted by Maarika at 10:32 AM on March 9, 2020
Also, you really can refrigerate the pumping parts and wash them once per day - I know anxiety is real, but please save yourself the time, effort, and hassle and ask your husband to wash those parts nightly!
I spent my son’s first couple months in and out of the doctors office 3 times per week for weigh-ins and specialist and lactation consultant appointments, and he got so much better at breastfeeding with time. Part of it was just that he was so tiny and unfortunately stayed so tiny for a while - his mouth was too small to latch well. We did all the things: nipple shields, syringes of milk, days in bed nursing, bottles, diaper changes to wake him up between boobs, setting alarm clocks to feed him every 3 hours, etc. He dropped off the growth chart for a while but eventually started gaining weight and has been at the 80th percentile ever once. I’m sorry you’re having such a stressful time, but please know that it will get easier as your baby gets older, regardless of what feeding path you take. Hugs (of the non-painful boob contact kind).
posted by Maarika at 10:32 AM on March 9, 2020
Check out The Skeptical OB. She knows what she's talking about.
posted by kathrynm at 10:34 AM on March 9, 2020
posted by kathrynm at 10:34 AM on March 9, 2020
Best answer: Specifically:
Will she learn to suck more efficiently in time?
- It's possible, but not guaranteed. Despite what lactation consultants say, you can't literally teach her to suck better. Just practice.
Has anyone successfully and happily combined breastfeeding and formula? If so, how did it work for you schedule-wise?
- We did this "successfully" in that our kid gained weight, but I don't know that we did it happily. She was on a schedule of boob-then-formula for every feed, every 3-4 hours, and each feed took about 45 minutes to an hour on the boob and then another 30 minutes with a bottle. That gave me very little downtime between feedings to do things like shower, eat, sleep, think, enjoy my baby, etc.
If we continue to supplement, will my milk supply eventually dry up and will I have to go 100% formula then?
- Unlikely. If you're doing any extraction of milk from your breast, whether it's breastfeeding directly or pumping, your body will generally continue to produce. It's likely to produce less than if you were exclusively breastfeeding or pumping. It might be helpful to your mental health to think of this as "get to" go on 100% formula rather than "have to" go on 100% formula.
Any pitfalls with introducing more formula feeding?
- You'll have a lot of bottles to wash. If you have a supportive partner, please consider asking your partner to take on the washing of bottles. There is also the cost of formula, which is not cheap. If you are like me, you will cry at least once when powder ends up on the countertop or the floor while mixing. It will be okay. The #1 pitfall in my opinion is the bullshit opinions of lactation bullies who will tell you you are poisoning your baby, which you will not be. Don't listen to them. Tune them out.
Any ways to make pumping less dreary or less time consuming?
- Not really. If you can multitask while pumping that's awesome, but I was never able to because it took a lot of my energy.
Generally:
What you are doing right now, breastfeeding and pumping and formula supplementing, is called "triple feeding" and it is so hard. I triple fed for about three months, and then switched to exclusive pumping for another six weeks before giving it up entirely and switching exclusively to formula. My baby's first time on this earth was a slog of pain and amnesia and not a joyful time for me at all. My husband was consumed with worry for my mental health. He got so much out of bottle-feeding our starving baby and all I did was make her cry because she was so, so hungry. Yet I was so influenced by lactation-bully-activists that I kept trying and trying to breastfeed her well beyond the point we should have said enough and switched to formula. We starved our baby. We starved her.
I will never forgive myself for that. Two weeks after we switched her to exclusive formula, she gained an entire pound and skipped up the weight chart to a healthy place, and a few weeks after that the fog lifted for me and I was able to enjoy our time together as a family. I have done therapy to try and address the guilt and shame I feel for putting my stubborn "need" to breastfeed, fueled by the chorus of lactivists, ahead of my child's health and my family's well-being.
Words/phrases in your question popped out at me: "demoralizing," "yet another LC," "buck up," "guilty," "stressed." Don't do this to yourself. If you're looking for permission from an internet stranger to stop breastfeeding and pumping and go to formula, because it's the best choice for your family, here is permission. You have permission to stop breastfeeding and pumping so you can enjoy your baby without being hypervigilant about her weight gain and feeding habits.
posted by juniperesque at 10:43 AM on March 9, 2020 [20 favorites]
Will she learn to suck more efficiently in time?
- It's possible, but not guaranteed. Despite what lactation consultants say, you can't literally teach her to suck better. Just practice.
Has anyone successfully and happily combined breastfeeding and formula? If so, how did it work for you schedule-wise?
- We did this "successfully" in that our kid gained weight, but I don't know that we did it happily. She was on a schedule of boob-then-formula for every feed, every 3-4 hours, and each feed took about 45 minutes to an hour on the boob and then another 30 minutes with a bottle. That gave me very little downtime between feedings to do things like shower, eat, sleep, think, enjoy my baby, etc.
If we continue to supplement, will my milk supply eventually dry up and will I have to go 100% formula then?
- Unlikely. If you're doing any extraction of milk from your breast, whether it's breastfeeding directly or pumping, your body will generally continue to produce. It's likely to produce less than if you were exclusively breastfeeding or pumping. It might be helpful to your mental health to think of this as "get to" go on 100% formula rather than "have to" go on 100% formula.
Any pitfalls with introducing more formula feeding?
- You'll have a lot of bottles to wash. If you have a supportive partner, please consider asking your partner to take on the washing of bottles. There is also the cost of formula, which is not cheap. If you are like me, you will cry at least once when powder ends up on the countertop or the floor while mixing. It will be okay. The #1 pitfall in my opinion is the bullshit opinions of lactation bullies who will tell you you are poisoning your baby, which you will not be. Don't listen to them. Tune them out.
Any ways to make pumping less dreary or less time consuming?
- Not really. If you can multitask while pumping that's awesome, but I was never able to because it took a lot of my energy.
Generally:
What you are doing right now, breastfeeding and pumping and formula supplementing, is called "triple feeding" and it is so hard. I triple fed for about three months, and then switched to exclusive pumping for another six weeks before giving it up entirely and switching exclusively to formula. My baby's first time on this earth was a slog of pain and amnesia and not a joyful time for me at all. My husband was consumed with worry for my mental health. He got so much out of bottle-feeding our starving baby and all I did was make her cry because she was so, so hungry. Yet I was so influenced by lactation-bully-activists that I kept trying and trying to breastfeed her well beyond the point we should have said enough and switched to formula. We starved our baby. We starved her.
I will never forgive myself for that. Two weeks after we switched her to exclusive formula, she gained an entire pound and skipped up the weight chart to a healthy place, and a few weeks after that the fog lifted for me and I was able to enjoy our time together as a family. I have done therapy to try and address the guilt and shame I feel for putting my stubborn "need" to breastfeed, fueled by the chorus of lactivists, ahead of my child's health and my family's well-being.
Words/phrases in your question popped out at me: "demoralizing," "yet another LC," "buck up," "guilty," "stressed." Don't do this to yourself. If you're looking for permission from an internet stranger to stop breastfeeding and pumping and go to formula, because it's the best choice for your family, here is permission. You have permission to stop breastfeeding and pumping so you can enjoy your baby without being hypervigilant about her weight gain and feeding habits.
posted by juniperesque at 10:43 AM on March 9, 2020 [20 favorites]
Ugh sounds about right on track from my bid supporting one breastfeeder and two breast-fed humans. It’s just awful until it isn’t.
What worked for our family:
Getting one-on-one help was the biggest. Lactation consultants, other moms with babies, new mommy group, woman who runs mom group babycenter/doula, anyone with experiences. Not being alone was huge and kept the panic at bay. Not the tears, though. Every Lactation Consultant meeting and I mean every one involved a mom crying. During one of our meetings (where there was crying) the LC took a call from a different mom who called up crying into the phone. I’m sorry but that’s how it went.
Because I don’t have the equipment to feed them, here’s some things that I did to support spouse if sol that had the breasts:
Managed the pump equipment. I scrounged up two pumps and tons of bottles/flanges/valves. I setup a designated drying rack for that stuff and made sure there were always clean bottles ready to receive the sometimes tiny bits of milk. The goal was the one making the milk didn’t have to do the chore of managing the equipment.
We switched to the plastic storage bags and dated them the laid them flat to freeze them then stood them up in freezer ice-cube bins. It was chronologically ordered.
We got a couple of custom pillows and found the one that worked. It was a custom beanbag filled thing made by a doula but there are commercial versions that also worked and It really helped. Like with the pumps we had a couple that could be taken/deployed as needed. We also had a rocking chair (glider) with a rocking/glider footrest. I discovered the rocking was not for the kid it was for us the parents. The tedium is hours long feeding/napping/refusing to sleep when not on a warm body went better when we, the parents, could rock and soothe ourselves.
Hydration was a big one mom had a giant 32oz nalgene water bottle and worked out a goal of how many to drink in a day to replenish fluids lost to milk production/crying.
As for scheduling there were multiple days where cluster feeding went on for six to eight hours and there was time for only pee breaks and occasional snacks.
We had one kid with a dairy sensitivity and cutting dairy out of mom’s diet helped a bit. The kid would still eat but his breath would get a sour stale yogurt smell and then the howling would start from the stomachache.
With all that we made it about a year with each baby supplementing mostly with pre-pumped breast milk. I don’t have much specifics about amount but we just did regular check ins and followed what the pediatrician said.
posted by sol at 10:50 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
What worked for our family:
Getting one-on-one help was the biggest. Lactation consultants, other moms with babies, new mommy group, woman who runs mom group babycenter/doula, anyone with experiences. Not being alone was huge and kept the panic at bay. Not the tears, though. Every Lactation Consultant meeting and I mean every one involved a mom crying. During one of our meetings (where there was crying) the LC took a call from a different mom who called up crying into the phone. I’m sorry but that’s how it went.
Because I don’t have the equipment to feed them, here’s some things that I did to support spouse if sol that had the breasts:
Managed the pump equipment. I scrounged up two pumps and tons of bottles/flanges/valves. I setup a designated drying rack for that stuff and made sure there were always clean bottles ready to receive the sometimes tiny bits of milk. The goal was the one making the milk didn’t have to do the chore of managing the equipment.
We switched to the plastic storage bags and dated them the laid them flat to freeze them then stood them up in freezer ice-cube bins. It was chronologically ordered.
We got a couple of custom pillows and found the one that worked. It was a custom beanbag filled thing made by a doula but there are commercial versions that also worked and It really helped. Like with the pumps we had a couple that could be taken/deployed as needed. We also had a rocking chair (glider) with a rocking/glider footrest. I discovered the rocking was not for the kid it was for us the parents. The tedium is hours long feeding/napping/refusing to sleep when not on a warm body went better when we, the parents, could rock and soothe ourselves.
Hydration was a big one mom had a giant 32oz nalgene water bottle and worked out a goal of how many to drink in a day to replenish fluids lost to milk production/crying.
As for scheduling there were multiple days where cluster feeding went on for six to eight hours and there was time for only pee breaks and occasional snacks.
We had one kid with a dairy sensitivity and cutting dairy out of mom’s diet helped a bit. The kid would still eat but his breath would get a sour stale yogurt smell and then the howling would start from the stomachache.
With all that we made it about a year with each baby supplementing mostly with pre-pumped breast milk. I don’t have much specifics about amount but we just did regular check ins and followed what the pediatrician said.
posted by sol at 10:50 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: We went through a pretty grueling breastfeeding / pumping / feeding pumped milk routine for the first month with my oldest, because she lost a ton of weight immediately and didn't gain it back very fast. Eventually, yes, she got better at sucking (probably around 6 weeks / 2 months?) and we ended up exclusively breastfeeding until she was almost a year and I wanted to stop. I saw ONE good lactation person who gave me tips that worked, and all other sources (hospital nurses, lactation consultants, that stupid kelly mom website) were...let's just say less than helpful.
Second kid, much "better" at breastfeeding from the go, but the same thing happened with him not gaining weight fast enough. My pediatrician mentioned pumping to supplement and I said - NO. I can't do it, I never want to see a pump again, ever. So, we went with formula to supplement and do overnight bottles, breastfeed alongside that for six months, and then did only formula for the rest of his first year. In both cases I really did not notice any changes or effects to my supply regardless of pumping schedules, how much formula being used, etc. So that always seemed very overblown to me, the idea that formula would basically dry up your existing milk, although I know some people feel that way.
You are probably at the point right before it "gets better" for a lot of people, but that's not a guarantee. I completely hear you on not finding breastfeeding to be a bonding experience. With both kids, at best I found it neutral, at worst it was horrible. I have no positive memories of breastfeeding either child; it's just something I did, like changing diapers or washing dishes. Switching to formula was a relief for me both times, and I hope (if you switch) you are able to find it to be a relief too. I wish you the best of luck. This part is really hard.
posted by cpatterson at 10:54 AM on March 9, 2020
Second kid, much "better" at breastfeeding from the go, but the same thing happened with him not gaining weight fast enough. My pediatrician mentioned pumping to supplement and I said - NO. I can't do it, I never want to see a pump again, ever. So, we went with formula to supplement and do overnight bottles, breastfeed alongside that for six months, and then did only formula for the rest of his first year. In both cases I really did not notice any changes or effects to my supply regardless of pumping schedules, how much formula being used, etc. So that always seemed very overblown to me, the idea that formula would basically dry up your existing milk, although I know some people feel that way.
You are probably at the point right before it "gets better" for a lot of people, but that's not a guarantee. I completely hear you on not finding breastfeeding to be a bonding experience. With both kids, at best I found it neutral, at worst it was horrible. I have no positive memories of breastfeeding either child; it's just something I did, like changing diapers or washing dishes. Switching to formula was a relief for me both times, and I hope (if you switch) you are able to find it to be a relief too. I wish you the best of luck. This part is really hard.
posted by cpatterson at 10:54 AM on March 9, 2020
Even then, she may appear to be satisfied after being breastfed (falling asleep with limp arms) but she may wake up ravenously hungry again 3 minutes later and have to be supplemented - which I find a little... demoralizing? Like, what's the point of working so hard to breastfeed her for an hour if she's not satisfied and have to be supplemented?
Having been around several breast-fed babies what happened at this point is the baby got shoved back on the breast and told to just get on with it already :)
You’re not a failure if your child snoozes mid way through feeding & then wakes up demanding more. This sounds well within the range of normal to me.
(IIRC as both our children got larger & got more head control of their own they got much better at feeding & the whole experience became progressively easier for both them & my partner. But it was all some time ago...)
posted by pharm at 11:00 AM on March 9, 2020
Having been around several breast-fed babies what happened at this point is the baby got shoved back on the breast and told to just get on with it already :)
You’re not a failure if your child snoozes mid way through feeding & then wakes up demanding more. This sounds well within the range of normal to me.
(IIRC as both our children got larger & got more head control of their own they got much better at feeding & the whole experience became progressively easier for both them & my partner. But it was all some time ago...)
posted by pharm at 11:00 AM on March 9, 2020
Hi, I remember being one month out and thinking I couldn't do this forever. I now have a healthy 2 month old and I am somehow still triple feeding - nurse until she stops actively sucking, then offer a bottle (formula or breastmilk), then pump. It takes me 30-45 minutes. My baby had a tongue tie release at two weeks and since then she has been slowly getting more efficient at nursing. I keep thinking I will either stop nursing or stop pumping, but it hasn't happened yet because every few days it seems like she is nursing better. Right now she only wants bottles in the afternoon. I am pumping 6-9 times per day.
I wish someone, a doctor or an LC, had told me at 2 weeks that it was OK to just bottle feed formula and nurse when I wanted to, and not worry so much about my supply, if I wasn't getting anything out of nursing or pumping. I don't mind pumping so I keep going.
For pumping, the website https://exclusivepumping.com/ was a game changer for me. It made my pumping experience so much more efficient and helped with tips on quickly increasing my milk supply. A hands-free bra and a double-electric pump are crucial. I don't wash pump parts every time - it's just not feasible and my baby isn't immunocompromised. I bought enough bottles to pump into that they get washed once a day too.
posted by muddgirl at 11:05 AM on March 9, 2020
I wish someone, a doctor or an LC, had told me at 2 weeks that it was OK to just bottle feed formula and nurse when I wanted to, and not worry so much about my supply, if I wasn't getting anything out of nursing or pumping. I don't mind pumping so I keep going.
For pumping, the website https://exclusivepumping.com/ was a game changer for me. It made my pumping experience so much more efficient and helped with tips on quickly increasing my milk supply. A hands-free bra and a double-electric pump are crucial. I don't wash pump parts every time - it's just not feasible and my baby isn't immunocompromised. I bought enough bottles to pump into that they get washed once a day too.
posted by muddgirl at 11:05 AM on March 9, 2020
Yes! Kid will learn to eat more efficiently. I remember at some point it just clicks and kiddo was done in 5-10 minutes and we could get on with whatever was going on.
I'm by no means an expert, but some stuff I've experienced/heard along our breastfeeding journey (breastfed for 15 mos):
- pumping sucked less first thing in the morning, i usually put on a podcast or something and just got it out of the way
- peeps seem to be really happy with the haakaa pump which you stick on the other boob while feeding kid. That's it. so youre multitasking without much effort and all that good stuff. I plan on getting the pump for this next kid
- yes, sometimes it was really dull. but i missed it a lot when i weaned kid. i loved breastfeeding outside. like on a park bench or something, just watching the world go by was really chill, until kid started getting interested in everything else around too, and then we had to think of other options
- apparently breastfeeding in a tub is amazing for all parties involved
- are you guys using pacis? this might have an effect on how interested kid is in the boob
- also when kid was tiny, he tended to stop/slow down sucking while sleepy and me just taking a big breath in would promt him to keep at it at a more doable pace
- my favorite position was breastfeeding lying down, with kid on the side, on the bed. i read a lot more back then
Aand..um.yeah, everyone says this, but yeah, this time will pass so so so quick. I can't believe how fast it went. the minutes and hours can feel long, but soon kid will be way bigger and running around doing stuff, so soak it in whether or not you're breastfeeding or bottle-feeding or whatever. For now you are that kid's world, hold the little guy tight <3
posted by speakeasy at 11:16 AM on March 9, 2020
I'm by no means an expert, but some stuff I've experienced/heard along our breastfeeding journey (breastfed for 15 mos):
- pumping sucked less first thing in the morning, i usually put on a podcast or something and just got it out of the way
- peeps seem to be really happy with the haakaa pump which you stick on the other boob while feeding kid. That's it. so youre multitasking without much effort and all that good stuff. I plan on getting the pump for this next kid
- yes, sometimes it was really dull. but i missed it a lot when i weaned kid. i loved breastfeeding outside. like on a park bench or something, just watching the world go by was really chill, until kid started getting interested in everything else around too, and then we had to think of other options
- apparently breastfeeding in a tub is amazing for all parties involved
- are you guys using pacis? this might have an effect on how interested kid is in the boob
- also when kid was tiny, he tended to stop/slow down sucking while sleepy and me just taking a big breath in would promt him to keep at it at a more doable pace
- my favorite position was breastfeeding lying down, with kid on the side, on the bed. i read a lot more back then
Aand..um.yeah, everyone says this, but yeah, this time will pass so so so quick. I can't believe how fast it went. the minutes and hours can feel long, but soon kid will be way bigger and running around doing stuff, so soak it in whether or not you're breastfeeding or bottle-feeding or whatever. For now you are that kid's world, hold the little guy tight <3
posted by speakeasy at 11:16 AM on March 9, 2020
I am a person who breastfed for 2 years and is very pro-breastfeeding, so let me lay this on you: don't feel guilty, no matter what you decide. Every single person is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Don't let anyone judge you or shame you. You just grew a human being from scratch, and you get to make a decision about what is best for your baby, your family, and YOU.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:23 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:23 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
A couple more thoughts as I pump:
If your spouse isn't around:
* If you have a hands free bra and your baby isn't too wiggly, you can feed her a bottle while you pump! Multitasking ftw.
* My baby likes to take 10 minutes after she eats to sit up and "digest" (aka burp and poop) otherwise she gets fussy. We got a small swing that I can put her in while I pump and she "digests", then gets a diaper change when I'm finished.
* My pump has a battery pack so I can put baby on the floor for tummy time and pump then, or put her on her playmat.
Personally, no part of parenting was rewarding until my baby "woke up" at 7-8 weeks. Suddenly she was making eye contact! Smiling! Cooing and gurgling! Until then I did a lot of things on faith. I still don't find nursing to be particularly rewarding, but at least my baby is now more interactive about it.
posted by muddgirl at 11:39 AM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
If your spouse isn't around:
* If you have a hands free bra and your baby isn't too wiggly, you can feed her a bottle while you pump! Multitasking ftw.
* My baby likes to take 10 minutes after she eats to sit up and "digest" (aka burp and poop) otherwise she gets fussy. We got a small swing that I can put her in while I pump and she "digests", then gets a diaper change when I'm finished.
* My pump has a battery pack so I can put baby on the floor for tummy time and pump then, or put her on her playmat.
Personally, no part of parenting was rewarding until my baby "woke up" at 7-8 weeks. Suddenly she was making eye contact! Smiling! Cooing and gurgling! Until then I did a lot of things on faith. I still don't find nursing to be particularly rewarding, but at least my baby is now more interactive about it.
posted by muddgirl at 11:39 AM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
Oh. and i remember reading all these "while breastfeeding, we locked eyes, and the world ground to a halt and the skies parted and the northern lights were sparkling and i had this overwhelming feeling of _____ rush over me...blah blah blah"-stories and i felt pretty shit as a mom to be frank. Cuz this didn't happen to me.
We legit seemed to bond more over him actually just sleeping on me or just chilling, looking at a horse or some damn thing. Breastfeeding was okay, but it was rarely like, ecstatic or anything for me. That's like, my take on it.
posted by speakeasy at 11:42 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
We legit seemed to bond more over him actually just sleeping on me or just chilling, looking at a horse or some damn thing. Breastfeeding was okay, but it was rarely like, ecstatic or anything for me. That's like, my take on it.
posted by speakeasy at 11:42 AM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Sorry, final final thought - there is a lot of hurtful advice on the internet about breastfeeding, disguised as helpful expert opinions. I had to stop Google searching for the good of my mental health and just trust my instincts and my baby. Gentle reality TV shows helped a lot in distracting me from worrying if I had spoiled everything when I agreed to give that first mouthful of formula in the NICU or whatever else I was dwelling on.
posted by muddgirl at 11:46 AM on March 9, 2020
posted by muddgirl at 11:46 AM on March 9, 2020
Best answer: Aw girl, I have a seven-month-old and I relate to this so hard, I wish I could hug you. To answer your questions:
First, it will most likely get better. My son had a tongue tie as well--I expected an instant improvement after he got it fixed, but it several weeks to heal and then a few more before he "re-learned" to suck the right way (despite always having a good latch, I was assured).
I currently combo-feed, successfully and--finally--happily. I exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months until I had to go back to work (but considered throwing in the towel MANY times, in dealing with the aforementioned tongue tie, countless clogged ducts, mastitis, chronic loss of sleep, and stress from lots of unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself).
As far as schedule on a perfect day (I laugh as I write this because he is still totally unpredictable with sleep and how much he eats, but just to give you an idea): I work from home. Breastfeed for 20-30 min when baby wakes up at 7. Drop off at daycare with three 4 oz. bottles of formula (he'll eat approx. every 2-3 hours there). When Dad gets home with baby around 4:30, breastfeed again, then again at 6:30 before bedtime then again whenever he wakes once during the wee small hours.
So he's about half breastfed, half formula at this point. I pump 1-3 times during the work day depending on how busy I am but, like you, I never get much-- about 4 oz on a good day (that's one bottle for us). I was also advised to pump after each breastfeeding session but that was such a joke! It would literally be a drop at times, and then I'd cry because I had to wash all the pump parts for nothing (no I didn't have to--more on that later). Not to mention, as you said, how time-consuming that is (especially when at one time my son was feeding 8x a day for 40-60 minutes...there are simply not enough hours in the day). So I said to hell with pumping until I went back to work and the main reason I pump now is to keep my supply up and keep from getting uncomfortably engorged during the day. I have frozen everything I've pumped since being back and actually have a little backup supply, but I am keeping it for use at home (for the occasional nightfeed with Dad, or Grandma babysits, or I want more than one glass of wine, etc.)....at least until he gets into a better groove with eating at daycare--they have to toss whatever doesn't get consumed after an hour or two because of state laws, and I can't bear for them to be throwing my hard-pumped breast milk away, so formula it is for now at daycare. (We've also introduced some solids but that doesn't really have any bearing here.)
I have not experienced any pitfalls with introducing formula. I've heard some people have to try a bunch to find one the baby will take or won't cause digestive stress, but we used the Enfamil samples we got in the mail for a while before moving on to Costco's brand and he was fine with both. Formula is digested a bit more slowly than breastmilk so they stay full a little longer, which can be nice. I really struggled with incorporating formula--because I felt like I really fought to be able to breastfeed, the whole sunken cost fallacy--but once I "gave in", a huge weight lifted off of me, and I don't give it a second thought now. I don't stress about how much I pump anymore; I don't fret about rushing back home from errands because the baby has to eat and it can only be from me. While I am glad I made it to 6 months of EBF, I probably would have benefited mentally/emotionally from bringing in formula sooner. If I have a second kid and have the same struggles, I wouldn't wait so long.
I still hate pumping but things that helped:
- Using a pumping bra so I can pump on both sides at once (I was doing one at a time for sooo long, whyyyyyy).
- Watching videos of my baby (helps with letdown) and eating some little delicious thing (chocolate, good nuts, juicy fruit).
- Making sure I am as warm and cozy as possible (I like to sit on a heating pad, just because).
- Using the right size flanges--based on an online measuring tool I was using 21 mm and it turns out I should have been using 27 mm (!) A little bit of coconut oil on the nipple reduces friction too.
- Letting myself be lazy about washing parts. As others have said above, you can totally wait till the end of the day! Confession: I actually have never actually sterilized any of my parts either (apparently if you're not using well water it's really not necessary)--I just hot water, soap, and a thorough scrubbing every day and baby is still alive and kicking. The reduction in hassle definitely improved my attitude towards pumping in general.
- Drinking a TON of water--helps with output.
- Keeping in mind that some women simply don't get much from a pump, no matter what you do, and that babies are generally much more efficient at extracting milk than a machine is. I know you're still concerned about weight gain, but once that gets resolved you may still find yourself stressing over supply based on what you see pumped (or don't see), so just keep in mind that it's not always indicative of what your little one is getting.
Some other random suggestions that came to mind reading your question:
- You mention hypervigilance about latching and position (boy does that sound familiar!)--are you making yourself as comfortable as possible? I have used a MyBrestFriend pillow since Day 1 and I LOVE it (so much better than the Boppy) and even 7 months in I have a way harder time whenever I have to feed elsewhere without it. I also have a comfy chair that I use much more now that Little Guy is in his own room, and I actually prefer that to feeding in bed. I always have water on hand (so thirsty) and my phone with games and podcasts. This is something that really gets better with time and if you do stick with it, I think you'll get into a routine and not have to think much about it at all. I am at a point where I can stumble into baby's room at 3 AM and pop him on the boob in pitch darkness and still find my go-to water bottle, all while half asleep. That's not a brag--it was a whole procedure for quite some time--but you get to a point where it's like brushing your teeth and really doesn't require any thought and I wish someone could have convinced me of that earlier!
- I saw a lactation consultant 4-5 times and I think it will help you a lot. Skip the forums, skip the online advice (I say as I give you some)--just go see someone who can look at what you're doing really closely for an hour and give you specific, hands-on advice (quite literally--the one I saw re-positioned how I was holding my guy in a way that wouldn't have occurred to me and it made a big difference in my comfort level and baby's eating efficiency).
- Adding to the encouraging chorus of voices urging you to do what is right for YOU and your child, whatever that may be. There are infinite opinions and you'll never please everyone, so trust your gut and do what feels true to your beliefs and--above all else--keeps you sane and healthy (because that is what your baby needs more than anything). I put myself through the ringer because I have always been the type that can only let go when I know I've tried everything, but that's not universal. Even if you decide to go exclusively formula tomorrow, your baby will be fine. I found some peace of mind reading Emily Oster's Cribsheet, which takes a close look at the actual data behind a lot of widely held beliefs around breastfeeding, sleep training, etc. (my main takeaway typically being "You don't have as much control over outcomes as you think anyway, so whatever you choose, the baby will be fine").
Soooo this has been a massive brain dump, obviously. But like I said, your question struck a very familiar chord so I felt I owed it to a fellow new mom to share. Feel free to MeMail me anytime if you have any other questions--this is hard but you are not alone :)
posted by lovableiago at 11:47 AM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
First, it will most likely get better. My son had a tongue tie as well--I expected an instant improvement after he got it fixed, but it several weeks to heal and then a few more before he "re-learned" to suck the right way (despite always having a good latch, I was assured).
I currently combo-feed, successfully and--finally--happily. I exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months until I had to go back to work (but considered throwing in the towel MANY times, in dealing with the aforementioned tongue tie, countless clogged ducts, mastitis, chronic loss of sleep, and stress from lots of unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself).
As far as schedule on a perfect day (I laugh as I write this because he is still totally unpredictable with sleep and how much he eats, but just to give you an idea): I work from home. Breastfeed for 20-30 min when baby wakes up at 7. Drop off at daycare with three 4 oz. bottles of formula (he'll eat approx. every 2-3 hours there). When Dad gets home with baby around 4:30, breastfeed again, then again at 6:30 before bedtime then again whenever he wakes once during the wee small hours.
So he's about half breastfed, half formula at this point. I pump 1-3 times during the work day depending on how busy I am but, like you, I never get much-- about 4 oz on a good day (that's one bottle for us). I was also advised to pump after each breastfeeding session but that was such a joke! It would literally be a drop at times, and then I'd cry because I had to wash all the pump parts for nothing (no I didn't have to--more on that later). Not to mention, as you said, how time-consuming that is (especially when at one time my son was feeding 8x a day for 40-60 minutes...there are simply not enough hours in the day). So I said to hell with pumping until I went back to work and the main reason I pump now is to keep my supply up and keep from getting uncomfortably engorged during the day. I have frozen everything I've pumped since being back and actually have a little backup supply, but I am keeping it for use at home (for the occasional nightfeed with Dad, or Grandma babysits, or I want more than one glass of wine, etc.)....at least until he gets into a better groove with eating at daycare--they have to toss whatever doesn't get consumed after an hour or two because of state laws, and I can't bear for them to be throwing my hard-pumped breast milk away, so formula it is for now at daycare. (We've also introduced some solids but that doesn't really have any bearing here.)
I have not experienced any pitfalls with introducing formula. I've heard some people have to try a bunch to find one the baby will take or won't cause digestive stress, but we used the Enfamil samples we got in the mail for a while before moving on to Costco's brand and he was fine with both. Formula is digested a bit more slowly than breastmilk so they stay full a little longer, which can be nice. I really struggled with incorporating formula--because I felt like I really fought to be able to breastfeed, the whole sunken cost fallacy--but once I "gave in", a huge weight lifted off of me, and I don't give it a second thought now. I don't stress about how much I pump anymore; I don't fret about rushing back home from errands because the baby has to eat and it can only be from me. While I am glad I made it to 6 months of EBF, I probably would have benefited mentally/emotionally from bringing in formula sooner. If I have a second kid and have the same struggles, I wouldn't wait so long.
I still hate pumping but things that helped:
- Using a pumping bra so I can pump on both sides at once (I was doing one at a time for sooo long, whyyyyyy).
- Watching videos of my baby (helps with letdown) and eating some little delicious thing (chocolate, good nuts, juicy fruit).
- Making sure I am as warm and cozy as possible (I like to sit on a heating pad, just because).
- Using the right size flanges--based on an online measuring tool I was using 21 mm and it turns out I should have been using 27 mm (!) A little bit of coconut oil on the nipple reduces friction too.
- Letting myself be lazy about washing parts. As others have said above, you can totally wait till the end of the day! Confession: I actually have never actually sterilized any of my parts either (apparently if you're not using well water it's really not necessary)--I just hot water, soap, and a thorough scrubbing every day and baby is still alive and kicking. The reduction in hassle definitely improved my attitude towards pumping in general.
- Drinking a TON of water--helps with output.
- Keeping in mind that some women simply don't get much from a pump, no matter what you do, and that babies are generally much more efficient at extracting milk than a machine is. I know you're still concerned about weight gain, but once that gets resolved you may still find yourself stressing over supply based on what you see pumped (or don't see), so just keep in mind that it's not always indicative of what your little one is getting.
Some other random suggestions that came to mind reading your question:
- You mention hypervigilance about latching and position (boy does that sound familiar!)--are you making yourself as comfortable as possible? I have used a MyBrestFriend pillow since Day 1 and I LOVE it (so much better than the Boppy) and even 7 months in I have a way harder time whenever I have to feed elsewhere without it. I also have a comfy chair that I use much more now that Little Guy is in his own room, and I actually prefer that to feeding in bed. I always have water on hand (so thirsty) and my phone with games and podcasts. This is something that really gets better with time and if you do stick with it, I think you'll get into a routine and not have to think much about it at all. I am at a point where I can stumble into baby's room at 3 AM and pop him on the boob in pitch darkness and still find my go-to water bottle, all while half asleep. That's not a brag--it was a whole procedure for quite some time--but you get to a point where it's like brushing your teeth and really doesn't require any thought and I wish someone could have convinced me of that earlier!
- I saw a lactation consultant 4-5 times and I think it will help you a lot. Skip the forums, skip the online advice (I say as I give you some)--just go see someone who can look at what you're doing really closely for an hour and give you specific, hands-on advice (quite literally--the one I saw re-positioned how I was holding my guy in a way that wouldn't have occurred to me and it made a big difference in my comfort level and baby's eating efficiency).
- Adding to the encouraging chorus of voices urging you to do what is right for YOU and your child, whatever that may be. There are infinite opinions and you'll never please everyone, so trust your gut and do what feels true to your beliefs and--above all else--keeps you sane and healthy (because that is what your baby needs more than anything). I put myself through the ringer because I have always been the type that can only let go when I know I've tried everything, but that's not universal. Even if you decide to go exclusively formula tomorrow, your baby will be fine. I found some peace of mind reading Emily Oster's Cribsheet, which takes a close look at the actual data behind a lot of widely held beliefs around breastfeeding, sleep training, etc. (my main takeaway typically being "You don't have as much control over outcomes as you think anyway, so whatever you choose, the baby will be fine").
Soooo this has been a massive brain dump, obviously. But like I said, your question struck a very familiar chord so I felt I owed it to a fellow new mom to share. Feel free to MeMail me anytime if you have any other questions--this is hard but you are not alone :)
posted by lovableiago at 11:47 AM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
She will almost definitely get more efficient.
I did a combo breastfeeding and formula feeding my baby because I couldn’t pump enough when I was away and it was totally fine.
What if you quit pumping, and for now just considered breastfeeding to be cuddling and “practice” feeding? Would that take enough stress off? And then maybe she will figure it out in a few weeks, but you can destress the situation while still leaving the door open in case breastfeeding might be a useful part of y’all’s near future.
posted by hungrytiger at 12:18 PM on March 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
I did a combo breastfeeding and formula feeding my baby because I couldn’t pump enough when I was away and it was totally fine.
What if you quit pumping, and for now just considered breastfeeding to be cuddling and “practice” feeding? Would that take enough stress off? And then maybe she will figure it out in a few weeks, but you can destress the situation while still leaving the door open in case breastfeeding might be a useful part of y’all’s near future.
posted by hungrytiger at 12:18 PM on March 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
This shit is SO HARD and you are right in the middle of it. It's OK that it's hard. It will get better. There are a ton of hormones involved in these early days, which makes everything seem much more intense and high-stakes. As long as she gets fed somehow and keeps growing, you are succeeding.
I tried so, so hard to breastfeed my first. Ended up pumping for six months. For my second, I'd say I tried medium-hard to make it work. Pumped for three months. If I were to have a third kid (which I'm not haha) I'd just pump and offer breastfeeding for the first few weeks and then switch to formula and not even worry about it.
Re: pumping, I took a class that showed us a video from Stanford about breast massage during pumping. When I did that I always pumped more milk, faster, than when I let the pump do all the work. Check out a couple videos, I think they call it "hands-on pumping." Get your pump set up by a comfy chair, put your pumping bra on, collect a drink and a snack, fire up a podcast or something pleasant and go to town until your flow stops, then a couple minutes more if you're trying to boost supply. Both sides at once for sure - I found I could sort of prop one bottle on my leg while I used my hands on the other side, then switch. It worked great for us to just wash pump parts once a day, keeping them in the fridge in a bag the rest of the time. If you don't want to stretch it for a whole day, maybe you could just re-use them for a half a day at a time? Then if you had two sets of pumping stuff, you'd only have to wash parts once a day.
I do think the whole Lactation Consultant industry is overblown. There's tons of pressure and guilt, and people selling goods and services, that just wasn't around so much for our parents' generation. I'm not sure the evidence that it really matters is all that compelling. If it's not hugely important to you and it's not going great, it's OK to give yourself permission to do what works. Fed is best <3
posted by beandip at 12:47 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I tried so, so hard to breastfeed my first. Ended up pumping for six months. For my second, I'd say I tried medium-hard to make it work. Pumped for three months. If I were to have a third kid (which I'm not haha) I'd just pump and offer breastfeeding for the first few weeks and then switch to formula and not even worry about it.
Re: pumping, I took a class that showed us a video from Stanford about breast massage during pumping. When I did that I always pumped more milk, faster, than when I let the pump do all the work. Check out a couple videos, I think they call it "hands-on pumping." Get your pump set up by a comfy chair, put your pumping bra on, collect a drink and a snack, fire up a podcast or something pleasant and go to town until your flow stops, then a couple minutes more if you're trying to boost supply. Both sides at once for sure - I found I could sort of prop one bottle on my leg while I used my hands on the other side, then switch. It worked great for us to just wash pump parts once a day, keeping them in the fridge in a bag the rest of the time. If you don't want to stretch it for a whole day, maybe you could just re-use them for a half a day at a time? Then if you had two sets of pumping stuff, you'd only have to wash parts once a day.
I do think the whole Lactation Consultant industry is overblown. There's tons of pressure and guilt, and people selling goods and services, that just wasn't around so much for our parents' generation. I'm not sure the evidence that it really matters is all that compelling. If it's not hugely important to you and it's not going great, it's OK to give yourself permission to do what works. Fed is best <3
posted by beandip at 12:47 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm going to suggest going exclusively pumping and not worrying about the latch thing ever again. It is /so/ hard and /so/ finicky. All the benefits of breastmilk are there, you can freeze the milk for later for when you want to have a date night with drinks, it is just so much easier on everyone plus you get time off work to do it.
posted by corb at 1:16 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by corb at 1:16 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I definitely found my son got more efficient as he got older - it was at some point between week 6 and 10. I just remember waking up one day and realising we were in a routine and it was all much easier.
posted by tinkletown at 2:15 PM on March 9, 2020
posted by tinkletown at 2:15 PM on March 9, 2020
For me the first 2 months of nursing were hell and several friends rather pointedly "gave me permission to stop" (uh, ok?). My issues were that baby had a lip tie and I was inverted, which was excruciating til the ligaments stretched enough to evert. I would sometimes be crying while nursing. But baby was gaining weight so I didn't need to supplement, just needed to get used to it / wait for eversion to eventually (forever) happen.
I only pumped once a night after baby went to bed and I found pumping annoying. Easiest is probably to use a pumping bra and a double electric pump, so you can sit there passively and be milked while you do something more pleasurable. For me that was a fuzzy blanket, a great novel, and ice cream straight from the carton (dairy in, dairy out!)
Also minimize putting away the (non-milk-touching) parts of the pump- make it easy on yourself by removing all barriers to pumping. To wash the parts I had a big white salad bowl which I would fill with hot water and hippie dish soap, and just swish everything around, rinse, and toss in the sterilizer. Somehow that felt easier than washing parts like I'd wash dishes.
I ended up nursing for about a year and I loved it- so easy, so cuddly, no need to carry around food, and I had a bad case of germophobic post-partum anxiety so I really liked knowing that baby would have an immune boost to any illnesses. I definitely thought it was worth the effort and pain.
I will also say, parenting was a hellscape til my baby started really making eye contact and smiling, and since then it's been amazing. But oh man the excruciating pain of nursing a potato who wouldn't even LOOK at me, and who gave many bone-splitting screeches but zero positive reinforcement? That part was REALLY hard! Congrats on the baby, everything will change so soon and so often!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:15 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I only pumped once a night after baby went to bed and I found pumping annoying. Easiest is probably to use a pumping bra and a double electric pump, so you can sit there passively and be milked while you do something more pleasurable. For me that was a fuzzy blanket, a great novel, and ice cream straight from the carton (dairy in, dairy out!)
Also minimize putting away the (non-milk-touching) parts of the pump- make it easy on yourself by removing all barriers to pumping. To wash the parts I had a big white salad bowl which I would fill with hot water and hippie dish soap, and just swish everything around, rinse, and toss in the sterilizer. Somehow that felt easier than washing parts like I'd wash dishes.
I ended up nursing for about a year and I loved it- so easy, so cuddly, no need to carry around food, and I had a bad case of germophobic post-partum anxiety so I really liked knowing that baby would have an immune boost to any illnesses. I definitely thought it was worth the effort and pain.
I will also say, parenting was a hellscape til my baby started really making eye contact and smiling, and since then it's been amazing. But oh man the excruciating pain of nursing a potato who wouldn't even LOOK at me, and who gave many bone-splitting screeches but zero positive reinforcement? That part was REALLY hard! Congrats on the baby, everything will change so soon and so often!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:15 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I loved breastfeeding and did it for four years straight, even while I was pregnant with number 2, but I firmly believe that it basically only benefited my kids because I enjoyed it -- which made me happier which might have made me a better mother.
I would read this article about the case against breastfeeding in The Atlantic which describes well what researchers know: there really is no clear evidence that breastfeeding helps babies in any meaningful way over formula. By some metrics, formula was even better! The article is a few years old, so maybe the scene has changed, but I would be surprised if it had.
So for me, I did it because I liked it and it was one aspect of motherhood that I unusually found straightforward and even fun. But if I didn't, if it were painful, if there was any whiff that my kids weren't gaining weight, if it made my time with my kid less fun, I would have had ZERO, I mean ZERO, problem switching to formula and just enjoying the close snuggles.
posted by caoimhe at 3:06 PM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
I would read this article about the case against breastfeeding in The Atlantic which describes well what researchers know: there really is no clear evidence that breastfeeding helps babies in any meaningful way over formula. By some metrics, formula was even better! The article is a few years old, so maybe the scene has changed, but I would be surprised if it had.
So for me, I did it because I liked it and it was one aspect of motherhood that I unusually found straightforward and even fun. But if I didn't, if it were painful, if there was any whiff that my kids weren't gaining weight, if it made my time with my kid less fun, I would have had ZERO, I mean ZERO, problem switching to formula and just enjoying the close snuggles.
posted by caoimhe at 3:06 PM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
Pumping is awful. I breastfed 2 kids and had no problems doing it and yet found the experience of pumping to be one of the most stressful and alienating things in my life. With my second, I still breastfed to about a year but we supplemented with formula towards the end so that I could stop pumping and it was great. I wish I had just started supplementing earlier, honestly.
There is no reason to kill yourself to breastfeed. Cuddling with your baby and feeding them however you can is a lovely bonding experience, as your husband sees. You can really feel fine mixing formula and breastmilk, or even just going to formula if the breastfeeding just never takes. You will not be a bad mother however it happens.
posted by ch1x0r at 4:54 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
There is no reason to kill yourself to breastfeed. Cuddling with your baby and feeding them however you can is a lovely bonding experience, as your husband sees. You can really feel fine mixing formula and breastmilk, or even just going to formula if the breastfeeding just never takes. You will not be a bad mother however it happens.
posted by ch1x0r at 4:54 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Oh. My. Gosh. Breastfeeding a newborn is so, so hard. Emotionally, physically, mentally difficult. There's a lot of good advice above, take what works for you! You're doing a great job!
I will say that I did not enjoy breastfeeding for the first 6 months or so. But every month I could tell my baby was getting stronger and more experienced. Our sessions became shorter and more scheduled. She had to be supplemented less. But those first 6 months , man. Simply brutal.
posted by stripesandplaid at 7:24 PM on March 9, 2020
I will say that I did not enjoy breastfeeding for the first 6 months or so. But every month I could tell my baby was getting stronger and more experienced. Our sessions became shorter and more scheduled. She had to be supplemented less. But those first 6 months , man. Simply brutal.
posted by stripesandplaid at 7:24 PM on March 9, 2020
Best answer: I can't favourite what juniperesque writes more vigorously.
I'm two kids in. My eldest is almost seven and Ms Potato turns three in May.
I had the purist we-must-breastfeed triple feeding business with my son for the first month of his life. We tried exclusive, but my supply never developed beyond 20ml or so. Then it was breastfeed, pumping, and formula. A feed would take about an hour, between the breastfeeding, bottle and pumping, and I think I barely slept that first month. No exaggeration - he was feeding every hour and a half, and after an hour of pumping I wasn't capable of getting functional sleep at all. And then he wasn't even gaining, so we just swapped to formula, and it was like being reborn myself. I could get a three hour block of sleep in the morning when my partner would tag in, and I started being able to parent, rather than just be a milk machine.
I tried a few LCs. They were almost uniformly focused on making me breastfeed. One even suggested I wake myself up overnight to pump if the baby slept for more than two hours between feeds. I had no good advice from them at all, and trying to take what I was given destroyed the possibility of getting any breastmilk into him at all.
With my daughter we tried breastfeeding exclusively, but would supplement with formula. I had the same supply issues, but thanks to my experience first time round I just...fucking refused to get too into pumping. By four weeks we'd settled on breast for 15 minutes then a formula feed, and it was the best of both worlds. Contemporary formula is solid nutrition for newborns, and she was still getting the benefits of breastmilk. Supplementing with formula over pumping allowed me to breastfeed in a way I couldn't with my son, and over time we both got better at it. We hit a plateau at around 8 months in regards to my supply. The first morning feed, with full breasts overnight, was our only non-supplemented feed. The rest were a mix.
What I guess I'm saying is that if you get to a point where you started feeling genuinely broken about this, you can start reclaiming some sanity by just dropping the pumping. You're already doing formula feeds so there's not really that much added workload in terms of washing bottles, and you stop needing to clean pump parts and having to make time for the sheer fuckaround of pumping. Conversely you still get to do the breastfeeding part, and the growing baby part, and your partner can bond with the baby too.
It does get better around 6 weeks. If you get there and it's not better, I'd re-assess. Four months was hard for me too.
But I tell you this - both of my kids are as happy and well developed as the breastfed kids in their peer groups. By two you can't tell the difference at all. Between now and then you need to live, and make decisions that allow you to thrive and grow too.
There are ways of doing this that don't put all the pressure and focus on you, and what you're body is "failing" or "succeeding" to do.
posted by Jilder at 3:37 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm two kids in. My eldest is almost seven and Ms Potato turns three in May.
I had the purist we-must-breastfeed triple feeding business with my son for the first month of his life. We tried exclusive, but my supply never developed beyond 20ml or so. Then it was breastfeed, pumping, and formula. A feed would take about an hour, between the breastfeeding, bottle and pumping, and I think I barely slept that first month. No exaggeration - he was feeding every hour and a half, and after an hour of pumping I wasn't capable of getting functional sleep at all. And then he wasn't even gaining, so we just swapped to formula, and it was like being reborn myself. I could get a three hour block of sleep in the morning when my partner would tag in, and I started being able to parent, rather than just be a milk machine.
I tried a few LCs. They were almost uniformly focused on making me breastfeed. One even suggested I wake myself up overnight to pump if the baby slept for more than two hours between feeds. I had no good advice from them at all, and trying to take what I was given destroyed the possibility of getting any breastmilk into him at all.
With my daughter we tried breastfeeding exclusively, but would supplement with formula. I had the same supply issues, but thanks to my experience first time round I just...fucking refused to get too into pumping. By four weeks we'd settled on breast for 15 minutes then a formula feed, and it was the best of both worlds. Contemporary formula is solid nutrition for newborns, and she was still getting the benefits of breastmilk. Supplementing with formula over pumping allowed me to breastfeed in a way I couldn't with my son, and over time we both got better at it. We hit a plateau at around 8 months in regards to my supply. The first morning feed, with full breasts overnight, was our only non-supplemented feed. The rest were a mix.
What I guess I'm saying is that if you get to a point where you started feeling genuinely broken about this, you can start reclaiming some sanity by just dropping the pumping. You're already doing formula feeds so there's not really that much added workload in terms of washing bottles, and you stop needing to clean pump parts and having to make time for the sheer fuckaround of pumping. Conversely you still get to do the breastfeeding part, and the growing baby part, and your partner can bond with the baby too.
It does get better around 6 weeks. If you get there and it's not better, I'd re-assess. Four months was hard for me too.
But I tell you this - both of my kids are as happy and well developed as the breastfed kids in their peer groups. By two you can't tell the difference at all. Between now and then you need to live, and make decisions that allow you to thrive and grow too.
There are ways of doing this that don't put all the pressure and focus on you, and what you're body is "failing" or "succeeding" to do.
posted by Jilder at 3:37 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
I breastfed/pumped/supplemented with formula for a few months. The amount of milk I was able to give my daughter through pumping and breastfeeding was negligible and I felt really tied down (I didn't really want to breastfeed to begin with, but it was important to my SO and it was all that was pushed at the hospital where I gave birth). I also went back to work, hucking around my pump bag in addition to all my other crap. All to bring home maybe 3-4 oz. of milk from my pumping sessions. I transitioned over to formula only when my daughter was 5 months. For me, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted.
posted by medeine at 12:56 PM on March 10, 2020
posted by medeine at 12:56 PM on March 10, 2020
Response by poster: Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom and encouragement and internet hugs! I literally laughed and cried going through them and felt a thousand times better afterwards! I marked the ones that resonated with me the most but I really, really appreciate every single comment! Going through them helped me realize that this is not the end of the world and I need to focus on what works for our family than anything else.
I also feel like this has a lot to do with having gone through a medically necessary, scheduled c-section at the last minute after months spent on every single book on "natural" childbirth and a number of childbirth classes. I wasn't terribly upset with the c-section at the time since I knew there was no other way to have a healthy child, but since I didn't get to have the long-expected "natural" childbirth experience, I guess the hormonal part of me really clung to this idea of "natural" breastfeeding experience.
I also had a consultation with another lactation consultant today and she was very helpful and sympathetic and gave me a lot of tips on latching and positions and different options to explore moving forward, and most importantly, didn't shame me for wanting to continue with supplementing or thinking about switching to formula.
So for now, the plan is to continue with breastfeeding but increase supplementation for night feeds and only pump if I feel like I'm up to it instead of getting stressed out about skipping a pumping session. Then I'll reassess the situation in two weeks when things supposedly get easier. Hope to come back with more cheerful updates one way or the other!
posted by Sparkling Natural Mineral Water at 7:44 PM on March 10, 2020 [5 favorites]
I also feel like this has a lot to do with having gone through a medically necessary, scheduled c-section at the last minute after months spent on every single book on "natural" childbirth and a number of childbirth classes. I wasn't terribly upset with the c-section at the time since I knew there was no other way to have a healthy child, but since I didn't get to have the long-expected "natural" childbirth experience, I guess the hormonal part of me really clung to this idea of "natural" breastfeeding experience.
I also had a consultation with another lactation consultant today and she was very helpful and sympathetic and gave me a lot of tips on latching and positions and different options to explore moving forward, and most importantly, didn't shame me for wanting to continue with supplementing or thinking about switching to formula.
So for now, the plan is to continue with breastfeeding but increase supplementation for night feeds and only pump if I feel like I'm up to it instead of getting stressed out about skipping a pumping session. Then I'll reassess the situation in two weeks when things supposedly get easier. Hope to come back with more cheerful updates one way or the other!
posted by Sparkling Natural Mineral Water at 7:44 PM on March 10, 2020 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I combo fed (formula and breastmilk) and it was awesome. It allowed me to stop pumping at 10 months, and I kept breastfeeding my daughter until she was almost three because I liked it. I would pump just enough at work to keep my boobs from exploding, and then she would have a little of my milk and lot of formula to eat the next day at daycare, and nurse from me at night. It is GOOD that you are feeding formula now, because when I decided to start doing this my daughter did not like formula and wouldn't take it for a couple of weeks.
Pumping sucks. I hated it so much. Remember that while it can save you money, there is no medical reason not to give formula: as long as baby is getting some breastmilk, they are getting all the benefits of breastmilk (which are somewhat disputed anyway, assuming you live in a developed country). Also, your time has value.
That was rambling, but I hope it helped. Feel free to memail me if you have any questions.
posted by chaiminda at 9:25 AM on March 9, 2020 [7 favorites]