Partner is miserable most of the time: what to do?
March 2, 2020 11:30 AM Subscribe
My partner is miserable most of the time. We are co-parenting a child from a previous relationship together. They are already in therapy and on meds. We are in couples' counseling, but our therapist is on a five week vacation.
Assume DTMFA is not a viable solution here.
They say that they are not optimistic about the future. I asked them if there was anything I could do to be supportive, and they said I have already done the things (budgeting together, compromising on timing of major life transition stuff, each of us taking a night off from parenting per week). This is very hard for me because I really value planning and dreaming about the future with a partner.
They're irritable and downcast ~80% of the time, although almost never with Child. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot, and small miscommunications or phrasing things wrong can easily turn into a fight. They sigh and mope and groan a lot.
They started testosterone about 8 months ago, and have said that they feel less "emotionally available" since starting. I'm having trouble feeling sexually attracted to them because I need to feel emotionally close to be sexually attracted. They feel rejected and unattractive.
I grew up with a mentally ill parent and feel triggered by someone being irritable and downcast all the time, but I'm in therapy working on regulating my own response to this.
It's hard for us to enjoy activities together. This week I took them on a surprise date to a speakeasy style bar. I wanted it to be a surprise because it's a cool concept: you walk into what looks like an accounting office and there is a fun bar behind the door to the accounting office. They grumbled and were prickly during the whole walk there.
I want to stay in a relationship with them. How do I keep myself healthy and sane?
They say that they are not optimistic about the future. I asked them if there was anything I could do to be supportive, and they said I have already done the things (budgeting together, compromising on timing of major life transition stuff, each of us taking a night off from parenting per week). This is very hard for me because I really value planning and dreaming about the future with a partner.
They're irritable and downcast ~80% of the time, although almost never with Child. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot, and small miscommunications or phrasing things wrong can easily turn into a fight. They sigh and mope and groan a lot.
They started testosterone about 8 months ago, and have said that they feel less "emotionally available" since starting. I'm having trouble feeling sexually attracted to them because I need to feel emotionally close to be sexually attracted. They feel rejected and unattractive.
I grew up with a mentally ill parent and feel triggered by someone being irritable and downcast all the time, but I'm in therapy working on regulating my own response to this.
It's hard for us to enjoy activities together. This week I took them on a surprise date to a speakeasy style bar. I wanted it to be a surprise because it's a cool concept: you walk into what looks like an accounting office and there is a fun bar behind the door to the accounting office. They grumbled and were prickly during the whole walk there.
I want to stay in a relationship with them. How do I keep myself healthy and sane?
Response by poster: Also: something I find particularly triggering is that Partner uses a tone of resignation most of the time. When they're feeling emotional they talk without fully enunciating or opening their mouth.
posted by unstrungharp at 11:38 AM on March 2, 2020
posted by unstrungharp at 11:38 AM on March 2, 2020
Are they on medication for depression? It sounds like they are severely depressed, and need to address that with an appropriate professional. If they are on medication, it sounds like it is not working and may need to be changed - even if the medication worked in the past, that can stop and it can be hard to realize that that's what happened.
It honestly sounds like you are doing everything you can do, and that they need to get this addressed with their provider.
posted by bile and syntax at 11:44 AM on March 2, 2020 [9 favorites]
It honestly sounds like you are doing everything you can do, and that they need to get this addressed with their provider.
posted by bile and syntax at 11:44 AM on March 2, 2020 [9 favorites]
It's good that you are in counseling separately and together. I am afraid, though, that having grown up with a mentally ill parent, you might not be seeing clearly what kind of environment you and partner are providing for your kid. Your responsibility is not just keeping yourself healthy and sane, it's doing the same for your kid too.
I know you've ruled out separating, but I also remember from your previous question that you are planning to get married very soon. Please try to understand with every part of your being that getting married will not fix your relationship. Only work, much of it your partner's with their professionals, can do that. Marriage can totally wait until you are sure you are both in a good place with your mental health and your relationship together, and that you are good for each other, and together you are good for your kid.
posted by fritley at 11:53 AM on March 2, 2020 [25 favorites]
I know you've ruled out separating, but I also remember from your previous question that you are planning to get married very soon. Please try to understand with every part of your being that getting married will not fix your relationship. Only work, much of it your partner's with their professionals, can do that. Marriage can totally wait until you are sure you are both in a good place with your mental health and your relationship together, and that you are good for each other, and together you are good for your kid.
posted by fritley at 11:53 AM on March 2, 2020 [25 favorites]
What you’re describing sounds very much like untreated depression. Assuming he has been prescribed anti-depressants (and that he’s taking them) whoever is prescribing them needs to be a little more on the ball.
Otherwise I’m not sure what to tell you. I was completely miserable to live with when I was depressed and I can’t think of anything that would have engaged me or made me feel closer to the people around me. Or made me feel anything other than a dull, pissy numbness really.
I think the best you can do is carve out a part in your life that doesn’t involve him at all and focus on yourself.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:57 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Otherwise I’m not sure what to tell you. I was completely miserable to live with when I was depressed and I can’t think of anything that would have engaged me or made me feel closer to the people around me. Or made me feel anything other than a dull, pissy numbness really.
I think the best you can do is carve out a part in your life that doesn’t involve him at all and focus on yourself.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:57 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi, I just wanted to note: I'm not looking for suggestions on what's causing the depression. They're definitely depressed. They're taking anti-depressants that aren't working very well. Yes, their provider needs to be more on the ball.
I am not looking to fix them or the depression. I am feeling lonely, overwhelmed, and without an ally in life and parenting, and am specifically looking for practical/actionable ways to keep myself sane during all this.
posted by unstrungharp at 12:10 PM on March 2, 2020
I am not looking to fix them or the depression. I am feeling lonely, overwhelmed, and without an ally in life and parenting, and am specifically looking for practical/actionable ways to keep myself sane during all this.
posted by unstrungharp at 12:10 PM on March 2, 2020
My husband was so so so negative that it caused a significant problem for me. In the end I had to tell him that if he couldn’t come in the door with a smile on his face then he shouldn’t come at all. We also had a really big fight or two. In the end he started by just faking it and it created a better atmosphere in the home which helped it to be actually real. I believe you have a responsibility for your behavior and that someone is capable of learning how to discipline their thoughts. Don’t be a lazy pessimist and think you can shit all over my life. I think he forgot I was an actual person with feelings. So that’s what I did. But honestly? He only changed when in my own mind I was ready to end the relationship. I didn’t actually tell him that, but he must have felt my foot out the door.
posted by catspajammies at 12:12 PM on March 2, 2020 [25 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 12:12 PM on March 2, 2020 [25 favorites]
Sounds like you could use some quality time with friends away from Partner. Even just grabbing a coffee with a pal or going to see a movie.
posted by sallybrown at 12:14 PM on March 2, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 12:14 PM on March 2, 2020 [7 favorites]
Here was the question I asked about it- I got a lot of really great answers :-)
https://ask.metafilter.com/338986/And-all-the-horrible-no-good-very-bad-EVERYTHING
posted by catspajammies at 12:16 PM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
https://ask.metafilter.com/338986/And-all-the-horrible-no-good-very-bad-EVERYTHING
posted by catspajammies at 12:16 PM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
Best answer: That sounds very hard. You will need to find a new thing to fix your sights on since you enjoy the dreaming, planning, working on a future thing. I'm not going to say DTMFA, but I think you realize that your partner isn't what's going to provide you with those good and productive feelings and emotions right now.
You can find a hobby, a class you take, a project you work on with your child (I don't think it says how old they are, sorry if I missed it), a project you work on yourself, a physical activity, a daily ritual that either gets you going or winds you down but is something you look forward to...
Those are just some ideas. The basic thing is you have to almost completely decouple your emotional response to your partner's depression. That doesn't mean not loving them and supporting them as they try to get better... but they cannot provide you with what you need. That means a date specifically just with them designed to be a fun, cool idea fell completely flat.
Basically, put your own oxygen mask on first only it's a thing, event, skill, group that you feel engaged with and actively brings you energy and meaning.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:17 PM on March 2, 2020 [9 favorites]
You can find a hobby, a class you take, a project you work on with your child (I don't think it says how old they are, sorry if I missed it), a project you work on yourself, a physical activity, a daily ritual that either gets you going or winds you down but is something you look forward to...
Those are just some ideas. The basic thing is you have to almost completely decouple your emotional response to your partner's depression. That doesn't mean not loving them and supporting them as they try to get better... but they cannot provide you with what you need. That means a date specifically just with them designed to be a fun, cool idea fell completely flat.
Basically, put your own oxygen mask on first only it's a thing, event, skill, group that you feel engaged with and actively brings you energy and meaning.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:17 PM on March 2, 2020 [9 favorites]
Boy, does this sound like Depression. Can you get partner to get exercise? go for a walk together, take Child to park/ playground, whatever. Exercise, Nature and sunshine are good for depression. Vitamin D is said to be helpful for depression, many people have a deficit, no downside of @500mg/day, if Partner will try it. These things are likely toimprove your mood, too, with or without Partner.
Get support for yourself, therapy or partner support group. Living with a depressed person is difficult. NAMI has chapters in every state. Do you like animals? Walk a friend's dog, or visit to pet the cat. Music, esp. if it's upbeat, can be curative. Carve out time for yourself -take a bath with a good book, watch funny movies, do hobbies you enjoy.
I have been the Depressed person. It's okay to set good boundaries, have your own emotional needs, and not take responsibility for someone else's emotions, as long as you are kind and respectful about it.
posted by theora55 at 12:22 PM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
Get support for yourself, therapy or partner support group. Living with a depressed person is difficult. NAMI has chapters in every state. Do you like animals? Walk a friend's dog, or visit to pet the cat. Music, esp. if it's upbeat, can be curative. Carve out time for yourself -take a bath with a good book, watch funny movies, do hobbies you enjoy.
I have been the Depressed person. It's okay to set good boundaries, have your own emotional needs, and not take responsibility for someone else's emotions, as long as you are kind and respectful about it.
posted by theora55 at 12:22 PM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
I want to stay in a relationship with them. How do I keep myself healthy and sane?
By understanding that this is probably temporary. If you are in the northern hemisphere you are somewhere with shorter days and winter which will improve over time. But some of this isn't about you right now if your partner is in crisis. This means having to put off planning/dreaming for the future and possibly finding other ways to be intimate together that are a bit more accessible for the two of you right now. Being gentle with your partner as if they are sick (I mean, they are sick) and trying to do sick person things not "Hey I bet this will cheer you up" things.
But also, your partner has responsibilities to you. If they are so overwhelmed by the world that they can't help moaning and groaning and sighing (once you have made it clear that these things are troubling for you) then they should be in bed or the two of you may just need to create paths in your life with more minimal interaction for now.
So yes this is temporary and things will,over time,get back to normal.Or they will not in which case you need to determine whether you are okay with the new normal or not. Not knowing which kind of situation you are in can be difficult and frustrating but that might be a thing you can talk out in a support group or with a friend. I'm sorry I know it's really difficult.
posted by jessamyn at 12:25 PM on March 2, 2020 [14 favorites]
By understanding that this is probably temporary. If you are in the northern hemisphere you are somewhere with shorter days and winter which will improve over time. But some of this isn't about you right now if your partner is in crisis. This means having to put off planning/dreaming for the future and possibly finding other ways to be intimate together that are a bit more accessible for the two of you right now. Being gentle with your partner as if they are sick (I mean, they are sick) and trying to do sick person things not "Hey I bet this will cheer you up" things.
But also, your partner has responsibilities to you. If they are so overwhelmed by the world that they can't help moaning and groaning and sighing (once you have made it clear that these things are troubling for you) then they should be in bed or the two of you may just need to create paths in your life with more minimal interaction for now.
So yes this is temporary and things will,over time,get back to normal.Or they will not in which case you need to determine whether you are okay with the new normal or not. Not knowing which kind of situation you are in can be difficult and frustrating but that might be a thing you can talk out in a support group or with a friend. I'm sorry I know it's really difficult.
posted by jessamyn at 12:25 PM on March 2, 2020 [14 favorites]
I just wanted to clarify that I’m not giving a dtmfa answer above- in fact- in my own ask me I also said I didn’t want to leave the relationship. What I mean is that I came to a quiet place in myself where I faced all the fears I had about not being in the relationship and realized that I couldn’t take that for the rest of my life and gave myself permission to end the relationship eventually if it didn’t change. That helped me disengage and put myself first more.
posted by catspajammies at 12:26 PM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 12:26 PM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
I think you have to disengage from your partner right now. If your partner was having severe fatigue and pain from: cancer treatments, dialysis, take your pick, you wouldn't expect them to be happy with a surprise date night (or even expect them to be walking around the house with a happy attitude.) You can be supportive without compromising your own emotional well-being.
What are your hobbies? Is your job fulfilling? Are you active in any community or social groups? Where are your friends?
The other thing you don't mention is housework. Who's doing the bulk of that right now? If it's you, are there things you can do to make that load easier on yourself?
You have my sympathy. This is a tough situation with no easy answers.
posted by Automocar at 12:40 PM on March 2, 2020 [6 favorites]
What are your hobbies? Is your job fulfilling? Are you active in any community or social groups? Where are your friends?
The other thing you don't mention is housework. Who's doing the bulk of that right now? If it's you, are there things you can do to make that load easier on yourself?
You have my sympathy. This is a tough situation with no easy answers.
posted by Automocar at 12:40 PM on March 2, 2020 [6 favorites]
Spend less time with them. Go out without them more; take your kid out without them more. Not having it in your face as frequently will make it less frustrating for you.
If they're capable of this, have them plan a couple of activities per week that they are going to 100% show up for and put on a happy face. One just the two of you; one with the three of you. They might not be able to do this, but it's worth a try even if it's only something that takes 20 minutes. The purpose of this is for you to get to have some positive interactions with them to remind you that it's not always awful.
posted by metasarah at 12:43 PM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
If they're capable of this, have them plan a couple of activities per week that they are going to 100% show up for and put on a happy face. One just the two of you; one with the three of you. They might not be able to do this, but it's worth a try even if it's only something that takes 20 minutes. The purpose of this is for you to get to have some positive interactions with them to remind you that it's not always awful.
posted by metasarah at 12:43 PM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
nthing disengagement as your best strategy.
Go hang out with family, friends, coworkers, your kids' friends' parents, etc. Find activities to fill your time in the evenings and weekends: make a ritual of taking your kid swimming every Sunday morning at the Y, then the kid gets childcare while you get your workout, then break for a snack at your favorite coffee shop, then to the library for some quiet time, then home. Find a babysitter every other Saturday evening so you can go out dancing.
Do the things you love without waiting for your partner to do them with you, for now. A temporary outward focus will lighten the current burden of this relationship for both of you.
posted by MiraK at 12:49 PM on March 2, 2020 [9 favorites]
Go hang out with family, friends, coworkers, your kids' friends' parents, etc. Find activities to fill your time in the evenings and weekends: make a ritual of taking your kid swimming every Sunday morning at the Y, then the kid gets childcare while you get your workout, then break for a snack at your favorite coffee shop, then to the library for some quiet time, then home. Find a babysitter every other Saturday evening so you can go out dancing.
Do the things you love without waiting for your partner to do them with you, for now. A temporary outward focus will lighten the current burden of this relationship for both of you.
posted by MiraK at 12:49 PM on March 2, 2020 [9 favorites]
How much support can you get from the other parent of the previous-relationship child? If this is your partner's original child, can you get the other parent to take on more child responsibility right now so you aren't stuck doing it all and you can focus on something just for you?
posted by mccxxiii at 1:02 PM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by mccxxiii at 1:02 PM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Honestly I think the child is the buried lede in the post.
Who is the kid's bio parent and how long have you been coparenting the child together? If your partner is the child's bio parent, and you have only been coparents for a year or two, the events you describe cross the line from "this sucks" to "this is dangerous for the child."
You already know how hard it is to have a mentally ill parent - and so do I. If I were you, I would center the child's needs from this moment forth: this is no longer about how badly supported you feel in this relationship but how badly the child is being impacted right here and now by the atmosphere at home.
If your partner is the bio parent, this means a come-to-jesus talk along the lines of "Neglecting your child's needs is abuse." If you are the bio parent, it means reconsidering whether your partner is a good choice of co-parent for this child? You don't have to break up if you don't want to, but if possible, help your kid out by not asking them to consider someone incapable of parenting them to be their parent.
posted by MiraK at 2:01 PM on March 2, 2020 [5 favorites]
Who is the kid's bio parent and how long have you been coparenting the child together? If your partner is the child's bio parent, and you have only been coparents for a year or two, the events you describe cross the line from "this sucks" to "this is dangerous for the child."
You already know how hard it is to have a mentally ill parent - and so do I. If I were you, I would center the child's needs from this moment forth: this is no longer about how badly supported you feel in this relationship but how badly the child is being impacted right here and now by the atmosphere at home.
If your partner is the bio parent, this means a come-to-jesus talk along the lines of "Neglecting your child's needs is abuse." If you are the bio parent, it means reconsidering whether your partner is a good choice of co-parent for this child? You don't have to break up if you don't want to, but if possible, help your kid out by not asking them to consider someone incapable of parenting them to be their parent.
posted by MiraK at 2:01 PM on March 2, 2020 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Zero support from previous-relationship partner. Abusive relationship, nasty court battle, history of lurking outside my house for no reason etc. etc.
Partner somehow mysteriously turns off the grumbling, irritability, sighing, and groaning in order to care for child (turns into funny, energetic, playful, empathetic, clever adult) and for their public-facing job in a health profession where they are known for their outstanding bedside manner and ability to build rapport in difficult situations.
posted by unstrungharp at 2:09 PM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Partner somehow mysteriously turns off the grumbling, irritability, sighing, and groaning in order to care for child (turns into funny, energetic, playful, empathetic, clever adult) and for their public-facing job in a health profession where they are known for their outstanding bedside manner and ability to build rapport in difficult situations.
posted by unstrungharp at 2:09 PM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot, and small miscommunications or phrasing things wrong can easily turn into a fight. They sigh and mope and groan a lot.
If you want to stay, seconding disengagement. Do your own thing and ignore the little childish moans and groans. At the same time don't walk on eggshells if you can help it. Speak up. I think it's a shame when romantic partners fail to speak up in order to keep the peace (unless there is physical violence, bullying, or other abuse). Walking on eggshells enables bad behavior and keeps the fragile partner stuck in immaturity. Stick up for yourself. If they are kind and loving to the kid they obviously have some control over their emotions and attitude.
Could your partner's bad attitude when they communicate with you be a vulnerability problem? A way to distance themselves because being vulnerable is hard? It's not uncommon.
On a side note -- my partner is not a dreamer. We don't plan for much together unless it's in the financial realm or a project that is usually practical in nature. We rarely talk about the future together. Our relationship still works. Some people are not wired to dream and plan and instead take life as it comes. I dream alone and most of the time my partner goes along with my dreams (travel plans, projects, home decorating ideas, etc.).
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:27 PM on March 2, 2020 [9 favorites]
If you want to stay, seconding disengagement. Do your own thing and ignore the little childish moans and groans. At the same time don't walk on eggshells if you can help it. Speak up. I think it's a shame when romantic partners fail to speak up in order to keep the peace (unless there is physical violence, bullying, or other abuse). Walking on eggshells enables bad behavior and keeps the fragile partner stuck in immaturity. Stick up for yourself. If they are kind and loving to the kid they obviously have some control over their emotions and attitude.
Could your partner's bad attitude when they communicate with you be a vulnerability problem? A way to distance themselves because being vulnerable is hard? It's not uncommon.
On a side note -- my partner is not a dreamer. We don't plan for much together unless it's in the financial realm or a project that is usually practical in nature. We rarely talk about the future together. Our relationship still works. Some people are not wired to dream and plan and instead take life as it comes. I dream alone and most of the time my partner goes along with my dreams (travel plans, projects, home decorating ideas, etc.).
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:27 PM on March 2, 2020 [9 favorites]
They sigh and mope and groan a lot.
It sounds like this really is just with you, not at work or with your child. Charitably, they don't feel they need to keep a mask on with you. Uncharitably, they're dumping on you.
Either way, you need to disengage. You can't make them be optimistic. You can't cheer them up. This is something that they're going to have to work through, and it sounds like you're being more than supportive. It sucks, and the only way out is through, but put on your own oxygen mask. It sounds like they already have theirs on.
posted by RainyJay at 2:32 PM on March 2, 2020 [5 favorites]
It sounds like this really is just with you, not at work or with your child. Charitably, they don't feel they need to keep a mask on with you. Uncharitably, they're dumping on you.
Either way, you need to disengage. You can't make them be optimistic. You can't cheer them up. This is something that they're going to have to work through, and it sounds like you're being more than supportive. It sucks, and the only way out is through, but put on your own oxygen mask. It sounds like they already have theirs on.
posted by RainyJay at 2:32 PM on March 2, 2020 [5 favorites]
Absolutely find ways to get your needs met elsewhere. But also give yourself permission to re-evaluate if the situation is indeed improving as your partner’s medical team fine tunes things. I recommend you write things down, a little status of how things are going and how you feel and revisit every three months or so. Let me explain why.
One of my best friend’s soon to be ex husband has suffered with PTSD and depression to varying degree for the duration of their relationship - they’ve known each other for 15+ years, will have been married for 10 years this month. They now have two young kids.
Over the last five years things have gotten worse continuously despite him getting treatment, getting early retirement on medical grounds, which allowed him to volunteer at a wildlife centre, which was about as far away from his stressful and dangerous job as you could get. He was even awarded a nice compensation claim from work because he got PTSD because of his job and then then failed to support him through it. For the longest time these milestones were the things that were going to allow him to finally get better. Except he didn’t get any better.
About two years ago, my friend finally started started therapy, took up exercise and carved out a bit more time for herself despite two young kids. And about 15 months ago she started to talk about what if he never gets better, wondering if she could really live not just without emotional or physical/practical support or sex but with somebody whose illness was making her job parenting more difficult just because he could not cope with the normal level of activity and noise that comes with young kids. In August she mentioned the word divorce for the first time in conversation with me. At the end of September she talked about how she was going to ask him to stay at a friend’s house for a bit. He took that as invitation to get on a plane and finish his diving instructor training somewhere in the tropics.
Well they separated just before Xmas, when he was briefly back in the country. Since the end of December, he’s been bumming round various parts of Asia with a woman half his age. My friend filed for divorce in Feb. Guess what, because he’s travelling she gets to do all the childcare, she gets to do all the work associated with selling their house and she gets to clear all his crap out of the house and deposit it at his parents’ house...all while he’s on a beach somewhere abdicating all adult responsibilities.
And despite all that, she is a completely different person, like a massive weight has finally been lifted. She thought it was hilarious that I was encouraging her to go on a date (she raised the topic, I was merely responding) as her husband and I are loosely related. And I reminded her of a conversation we had about 12 years ago, long before they got married. He was going through a longish low period and we had dinner once a week and she’d vent to me. It was bad enough that one of her concerns was losing me as friend if they were to split up due to the loose family relationship...she could not remember that he’d been that bad that early on and was absolutely shocked to realise she’d reached that point before they even got married and had kids. I had promised her my support 12 years ago and clearly she still has it.
So don’t be my friend. Support your partner, pause any wedding plans until further notice. Seek support from friends, family, your therapist, any hobbies etc. But every now and then take stock, assess if things are getting better and think about what it means if they don’t.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:07 PM on March 2, 2020 [19 favorites]
One of my best friend’s soon to be ex husband has suffered with PTSD and depression to varying degree for the duration of their relationship - they’ve known each other for 15+ years, will have been married for 10 years this month. They now have two young kids.
Over the last five years things have gotten worse continuously despite him getting treatment, getting early retirement on medical grounds, which allowed him to volunteer at a wildlife centre, which was about as far away from his stressful and dangerous job as you could get. He was even awarded a nice compensation claim from work because he got PTSD because of his job and then then failed to support him through it. For the longest time these milestones were the things that were going to allow him to finally get better. Except he didn’t get any better.
About two years ago, my friend finally started started therapy, took up exercise and carved out a bit more time for herself despite two young kids. And about 15 months ago she started to talk about what if he never gets better, wondering if she could really live not just without emotional or physical/practical support or sex but with somebody whose illness was making her job parenting more difficult just because he could not cope with the normal level of activity and noise that comes with young kids. In August she mentioned the word divorce for the first time in conversation with me. At the end of September she talked about how she was going to ask him to stay at a friend’s house for a bit. He took that as invitation to get on a plane and finish his diving instructor training somewhere in the tropics.
Well they separated just before Xmas, when he was briefly back in the country. Since the end of December, he’s been bumming round various parts of Asia with a woman half his age. My friend filed for divorce in Feb. Guess what, because he’s travelling she gets to do all the childcare, she gets to do all the work associated with selling their house and she gets to clear all his crap out of the house and deposit it at his parents’ house...all while he’s on a beach somewhere abdicating all adult responsibilities.
And despite all that, she is a completely different person, like a massive weight has finally been lifted. She thought it was hilarious that I was encouraging her to go on a date (she raised the topic, I was merely responding) as her husband and I are loosely related. And I reminded her of a conversation we had about 12 years ago, long before they got married. He was going through a longish low period and we had dinner once a week and she’d vent to me. It was bad enough that one of her concerns was losing me as friend if they were to split up due to the loose family relationship...she could not remember that he’d been that bad that early on and was absolutely shocked to realise she’d reached that point before they even got married and had kids. I had promised her my support 12 years ago and clearly she still has it.
So don’t be my friend. Support your partner, pause any wedding plans until further notice. Seek support from friends, family, your therapist, any hobbies etc. But every now and then take stock, assess if things are getting better and think about what it means if they don’t.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:07 PM on March 2, 2020 [19 favorites]
Two things came to mind: if partner engaging with others but not with you, perhaps they feel more comfortable/vulnerable with you to allow their darker side know. The other thought I had was perhaps they are doing this to get you to end the relationship. You’d get to be the bad guy.
I asked a similar question a few years ago. I felt my partner just wasn’t that into me (I can’t find the question at the moment). He was very engaging and would share with others but with me he’d clam up and refuse to engage. We’re in a better place now though and what’s helped is me just living my own life. I got a job, I pursued hobbies, I made connections with friends, I lived my own life. Feeling the distance with my husband then took a backseat and soon enough I didn’t even notice because I living a fuller life that really had no room for me to ruminate on the relationship. I became less reliant on my partner for my emotional needs and found that other places - through activity and myself being the support I craved.
Best of luck.
posted by Sassyfras at 3:54 PM on March 2, 2020
I asked a similar question a few years ago. I felt my partner just wasn’t that into me (I can’t find the question at the moment). He was very engaging and would share with others but with me he’d clam up and refuse to engage. We’re in a better place now though and what’s helped is me just living my own life. I got a job, I pursued hobbies, I made connections with friends, I lived my own life. Feeling the distance with my husband then took a backseat and soon enough I didn’t even notice because I living a fuller life that really had no room for me to ruminate on the relationship. I became less reliant on my partner for my emotional needs and found that other places - through activity and myself being the support I craved.
Best of luck.
posted by Sassyfras at 3:54 PM on March 2, 2020
Best answer: They started testosterone about 8 months ago, and have said that they feel less "emotionally available" since starting.
I'm not a doctor and this is purely anecdotal but as someone (female biologically) who has a hormone imbalance that causes my body to produce excessive testosterone I can confirm that I can tell a dramatic difference in my mood, my emotional state, and the way I perceive/interact with others when I don't have it in check via meds. It's like I turn into a stereotypical "dude." The depression, doom and gloom and pessimism (like I'm drowning in my own dark psychic tar and I don't care if it consumes me), irritation bordering on chronic anger, impatience, and emotional blunting is definitely a problem. My general demeanor has changed dramatically since I got it all under control, particularly how I think about others and the world around me.
I'd suggest a doctor's visit to rule out testosterone fuckery ASAP.
posted by Young Kullervo at 6:31 AM on March 3, 2020 [4 favorites]
I'm not a doctor and this is purely anecdotal but as someone (female biologically) who has a hormone imbalance that causes my body to produce excessive testosterone I can confirm that I can tell a dramatic difference in my mood, my emotional state, and the way I perceive/interact with others when I don't have it in check via meds. It's like I turn into a stereotypical "dude." The depression, doom and gloom and pessimism (like I'm drowning in my own dark psychic tar and I don't care if it consumes me), irritation bordering on chronic anger, impatience, and emotional blunting is definitely a problem. My general demeanor has changed dramatically since I got it all under control, particularly how I think about others and the world around me.
I'd suggest a doctor's visit to rule out testosterone fuckery ASAP.
posted by Young Kullervo at 6:31 AM on March 3, 2020 [4 favorites]
Your partner pulling it together for the child and work is not that surprising. Both of those are vital activities that require an emotional front. You can take care of yourself.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:40 AM on March 3, 2020
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:40 AM on March 3, 2020
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posted by seanmpuckett at 11:37 AM on March 2, 2020