Parenting and social anxiety
February 28, 2020 2:00 PM Subscribe
I am looking for resources to help me understand how to best help my child manage various social situations.
I have social anxiety so I avoid a lot of the types of situations that he is likely to find himself in at some point. I frequently feel out of my depth even to help him manage preschool-level social situations that are not straightforward. I would like to be able to find something like a user manual or something that addresses how to think about these different situations. Perhaps something that is values-based because that is relatable for me. Maybe a written work with prompts that helps a person get clear on how they believe various situations should be handled? I'm so afraid of giving my kid bad advice, or not teaching him important skills in a way that works well.
There's so much ambiguity to social interaction that I really struggle with feeling prepared to help my child get through the inevitable problems that may arise. My 3yo comes to me when he feels wronged by another kid and I offer empathy but as far as what to do about it... Tell the teacher, but at what age do you become a snitch? I was in the nerdy outcast group in middle and high school, and if my son wants to be in the popular kid group, I feel fairly useless in helping him achieve that.
What have you found helpful in helping your child or children navigate the nebulous world of socialization?
I have social anxiety so I avoid a lot of the types of situations that he is likely to find himself in at some point. I frequently feel out of my depth even to help him manage preschool-level social situations that are not straightforward. I would like to be able to find something like a user manual or something that addresses how to think about these different situations. Perhaps something that is values-based because that is relatable for me. Maybe a written work with prompts that helps a person get clear on how they believe various situations should be handled? I'm so afraid of giving my kid bad advice, or not teaching him important skills in a way that works well.
There's so much ambiguity to social interaction that I really struggle with feeling prepared to help my child get through the inevitable problems that may arise. My 3yo comes to me when he feels wronged by another kid and I offer empathy but as far as what to do about it... Tell the teacher, but at what age do you become a snitch? I was in the nerdy outcast group in middle and high school, and if my son wants to be in the popular kid group, I feel fairly useless in helping him achieve that.
What have you found helpful in helping your child or children navigate the nebulous world of socialization?
You can get etiquette books for kids that are basically Reference manuals on social behaviour. Check your library and then buy one that aligns with your values. They are about way more than table manners, and cover things like friendships and tattling. For very little kids, I like the New Book of Social Stories which walks you through social situations with what to do. It’s for neuroatyoical kids but is something I found helpful for all my kids.
Speaking aloud what you think is the right behaviour and modelling that thought process and reasons is very helpful for kids. I will also text friends I think are good parents and say “what is your response for this situation?” And then pick what’s helpful.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:27 PM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Speaking aloud what you think is the right behaviour and modelling that thought process and reasons is very helpful for kids. I will also text friends I think are good parents and say “what is your response for this situation?” And then pick what’s helpful.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:27 PM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Watching Daniel Tiger will give you both a lot of scripts. It’s really helpful.
posted by JenMarie at 9:41 PM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by JenMarie at 9:41 PM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
My 3yo comes to me when he feels wronged by another kid and I offer empathy but as far as what to do about it... Tell the teacher, but at what age do you become a snitch?
Kids pick up on the "snitch" concept pretty young, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't tell the teacher when a classmate is doing something bad. In fact, I'd be happy to hear that my kid came home to tell me that his classmates called him a "snitch," because that means he's not blindly following bigger, meaner or more popular kids into doing something bad, or even turning a blind eye. In fact, my older kid has already done this, and we did have that talk with him, telling him he did the right thing.
We talk with our kids about what they did, and what they think the other person did. We deal with a number of sibling fights, so we can hear both sides, but when we hear about things at school, we ask about what they think the other kid was thinking or meant to do. And I like mai's second point -- what was the other person feeling and what did they want? That may also get into complicated territory, but you can probably simplify it for your 3 year old -- they wanted attention, or wanted to play and didn't mean to hurt or bother.
Our ongoing work with our kids is teaching empathy, especially when someone does or says things that you don't like.
I was in the nerdy outcast group in middle and high school, and if my son wants to be in the popular kid group, I feel fairly useless in helping him achieve that.
I feel like popularity is a trap, which can trick kids into doing things that they normally wouldn't do in order to be liked, but I'm definitely biased. We're raising our boys to be their own people, and not worry about what other people think, for the most part. We're telling them that it's not OK to say things to make other people upset, and that sometimes even saying something that you feel is an honest statement can offend someone else (specifically around topics of religion). But these are probably beyond where you are now with a 3 year old :)
This is coming from my wife and I being unabashedly odd people -- not trying to stand apart from others, but definitely not worrying too much about what other people think, within bounds. I realize that is probably more ambiguity, where you're looking for concrete answers. But as mai wrote, "there is not necessarily a one-size-fits all approach to all situations." And, to complicate everything, there's often not one "right" answer to a situation, either.
If you have questions, you can talk to your kid's teacher -- they know the social structure of the class (that kid's a bully, that kid crosses boundaries, that kid just likes to hug everyone, that kind of thing), and I'm sure they can give you tips and tools to continue that work at home. In fact, I'd guess they would be more than happy to have that conversation with parents, because there's only so much they can do during the school day, and it's better for those lessons to be continued and repeated at home. And at 3, teaching social norms is a big part of the education of kids.
You asking questions of them doesn't show that you don't know what you're doing, but that you're looking for insights that you can't into your kids behavior, because you're not seeing them in the school environment.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:17 AM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
Kids pick up on the "snitch" concept pretty young, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't tell the teacher when a classmate is doing something bad. In fact, I'd be happy to hear that my kid came home to tell me that his classmates called him a "snitch," because that means he's not blindly following bigger, meaner or more popular kids into doing something bad, or even turning a blind eye. In fact, my older kid has already done this, and we did have that talk with him, telling him he did the right thing.
We talk with our kids about what they did, and what they think the other person did. We deal with a number of sibling fights, so we can hear both sides, but when we hear about things at school, we ask about what they think the other kid was thinking or meant to do. And I like mai's second point -- what was the other person feeling and what did they want? That may also get into complicated territory, but you can probably simplify it for your 3 year old -- they wanted attention, or wanted to play and didn't mean to hurt or bother.
Our ongoing work with our kids is teaching empathy, especially when someone does or says things that you don't like.
I was in the nerdy outcast group in middle and high school, and if my son wants to be in the popular kid group, I feel fairly useless in helping him achieve that.
I feel like popularity is a trap, which can trick kids into doing things that they normally wouldn't do in order to be liked, but I'm definitely biased. We're raising our boys to be their own people, and not worry about what other people think, for the most part. We're telling them that it's not OK to say things to make other people upset, and that sometimes even saying something that you feel is an honest statement can offend someone else (specifically around topics of religion). But these are probably beyond where you are now with a 3 year old :)
This is coming from my wife and I being unabashedly odd people -- not trying to stand apart from others, but definitely not worrying too much about what other people think, within bounds. I realize that is probably more ambiguity, where you're looking for concrete answers. But as mai wrote, "there is not necessarily a one-size-fits all approach to all situations." And, to complicate everything, there's often not one "right" answer to a situation, either.
If you have questions, you can talk to your kid's teacher -- they know the social structure of the class (that kid's a bully, that kid crosses boundaries, that kid just likes to hug everyone, that kind of thing), and I'm sure they can give you tips and tools to continue that work at home. In fact, I'd guess they would be more than happy to have that conversation with parents, because there's only so much they can do during the school day, and it's better for those lessons to be continued and repeated at home. And at 3, teaching social norms is a big part of the education of kids.
You asking questions of them doesn't show that you don't know what you're doing, but that you're looking for insights that you can't into your kids behavior, because you're not seeing them in the school environment.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:17 AM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
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1. Ask for what you want/need. Playground conflicts can be tricky but kids who are calm and clear in expressing what they want are more likely to get it. Kids who jump straight to screeching, accusations, escalating the conflict, or flying off the handle tend to have a harder time. This skill can take a lifetime to master. It's partly about emotional self-regulation and partly about the language you use to communicate.
2. Try to recognize what the other person is feeling and what they want. I literally coach kids on empathy by asking them to look at the other students face and say how they think the other person is feeling.
3. If a friend isn't treating you how you want to be treated, always know that there are other friends out there. Kids who believe this tend to be most at ease in social situations and are not too bothered by conflict - they can get through it or, if need be, they can walk away. They keep playing, they keep practicing social skills and they get the hang of it. Kids who have a narrative for themselves of "nobody likes me" or "I have to please this one friend because I don't have any other friends" are most likely to get bullied or to stand by the sidelines feeling lonely. You can help your kid build up social resilience by helping them connect with a few different friend groups and by treating it as healthy to sometimes take space away from friends.
In my experience, kids who have all three of these mindsets tend to be pretty successful socially. In terms of your role, think of yourself as the coach who mostly cheers from the sidelines, occasionally gives some pointers, but definitely does not step in and try to play the game, even if it's going poorly. If you feel 100% comfortable with the idea that sometimes social stuff is hard but your child is capable of figuring it out, that confidence will come through to your child and their self-esteem will be boosted as a result.
posted by mai at 3:17 PM on February 28, 2020 [21 favorites]