Do parents ever enjoy the little things in life?
February 20, 2020 9:23 PM Subscribe
I have a 9 month old, my first. Despite having a supportive partner, I am very sleep deprived, exhausted, and in barely surviving mode. Besides my job, which I’m not able to give 100% to, even though I love it, there is literally nothing that seems to interest me or feel important besides keeping this kid alive.
It just hit me as I was reading the AskMe front page now and saw questions about bath renovations, food, podcasts, etc, that these sorts of things that once interested me or I enjoyed indulging in feel so out of reach now. I mean, I don’t have time to shower many days. Food is for sustenance, and I often forget to eat. If I had time to follow podcasts, I’d sleep instead. Etc.
Pre-baby, I enjoyed my little luxuries and interests. That person seems out of reach now, and that makes me a bit sad.
Is it normal to feel this way after 9 months? Does it get better, or am I stuck, metaphorically, listening to Wheels of the Bus and eating leftover baby purées for a while?
It just hit me as I was reading the AskMe front page now and saw questions about bath renovations, food, podcasts, etc, that these sorts of things that once interested me or I enjoyed indulging in feel so out of reach now. I mean, I don’t have time to shower many days. Food is for sustenance, and I often forget to eat. If I had time to follow podcasts, I’d sleep instead. Etc.
Pre-baby, I enjoyed my little luxuries and interests. That person seems out of reach now, and that makes me a bit sad.
Is it normal to feel this way after 9 months? Does it get better, or am I stuck, metaphorically, listening to Wheels of the Bus and eating leftover baby purées for a while?
Hey, there. Having a baby is a big wonderful draining deal. It is normal to feel what you're feeling months after giving birth. This is doubly hard if you're also working. Zombie mode is inevitable.
However, as I reread your question, what you're describing makes me wonder if you have a touch of post-partum depression. Have you had a check in with your OBGYN recently? They might be the right professional to help you find additional ways to manage what you're feeling.
Sending good thoughts to you and wishes for sleep, showers, and a restoration of the things that make you whole again.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 9:34 PM on February 20, 2020 [31 favorites]
However, as I reread your question, what you're describing makes me wonder if you have a touch of post-partum depression. Have you had a check in with your OBGYN recently? They might be the right professional to help you find additional ways to manage what you're feeling.
Sending good thoughts to you and wishes for sleep, showers, and a restoration of the things that make you whole again.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 9:34 PM on February 20, 2020 [31 favorites]
Yes, you will feel like yourself again. Babies, thank God, are only babies for a little while, and that time does go by fast. Days are long, years are short, as the saying has it. Also, I know it's only a metaphor, but play the baby your music instead of listening to hirs. Throw out the baby food and take advantage of doordash or whatever equivalent there is where you are. Spoil yourself hard with things that used to make you feel human, even if they don't seem worth it right now. It will help a little.
posted by shadygrove at 9:40 PM on February 20, 2020 [16 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 9:40 PM on February 20, 2020 [16 favorites]
I remember both of us being especially tired when our babies were around that age. I think you tend to run out of reserves a little, and friends/family/work or whatever kind of start to forget that you're still raising a little one.
It gets easier little by little- pretty soon you worry less about them choking on everything, and they start to be able to do really fun things with you. Just the process of gaining language is so cool, and you get to do that together. You also get to do more ambitious outdoor stuff, if that's your thing. I started taking my kids on the bicycle at about a year, and we LOVED it.
Take care. Try not to worry too much about the way things should be.
posted by Maxwell's demon at 9:46 PM on February 20, 2020 [7 favorites]
It gets easier little by little- pretty soon you worry less about them choking on everything, and they start to be able to do really fun things with you. Just the process of gaining language is so cool, and you get to do that together. You also get to do more ambitious outdoor stuff, if that's your thing. I started taking my kids on the bicycle at about a year, and we LOVED it.
Take care. Try not to worry too much about the way things should be.
posted by Maxwell's demon at 9:46 PM on February 20, 2020 [7 favorites]
what you're describing makes me wonder if you have a touch of post-partum depression.
One sign of regular depression is that you don't enjoy doing things that you used to. It is worth it to talk to medical professionals to see what might be done about this.
posted by Monday at 9:49 PM on February 20, 2020 [5 favorites]
One sign of regular depression is that you don't enjoy doing things that you used to. It is worth it to talk to medical professionals to see what might be done about this.
posted by Monday at 9:49 PM on February 20, 2020 [5 favorites]
It gets easier. We have a 3.5 yr old and a 1.5 yr old, and life started feeling less like surviving in the months after my oldest turned 1 (and then I got pregnant again, and I don’t do pregnancy well, so everything tanked), and then again when the second was 16 months or so. There’s the drain on body from pregnancy, there’s the huge drain from the sleep deprivation for the first five or six (or more!) months, and then there’s a long time rebuilding your reserves to fully functioning human while caring for a tiny human that can’t even handle its own shit (literally). It’s rough, and it’s hard to understand or explain to anyone who hasn’t engaged in this exhausting/amazing endeavor.
I went to the gym twice this week, meal planned based on some awesome new recipes, educated myself with a few articles on cultural appropriation, finished one fiction book, started a new book, and had some friends over for a leisurely (relatively speaking, as a parent of a toddler & preschooler) brunch while our rug-rats dismantled the house. It’s not exactly the same as pre-kids, but it feels much more like what I want life to be like than the first twelves months postpartum did.
posted by Jaclyn at 10:01 PM on February 20, 2020 [6 favorites]
I went to the gym twice this week, meal planned based on some awesome new recipes, educated myself with a few articles on cultural appropriation, finished one fiction book, started a new book, and had some friends over for a leisurely (relatively speaking, as a parent of a toddler & preschooler) brunch while our rug-rats dismantled the house. It’s not exactly the same as pre-kids, but it feels much more like what I want life to be like than the first twelves months postpartum did.
posted by Jaclyn at 10:01 PM on February 20, 2020 [6 favorites]
Okay so I think I lost myself after having babies even more than other people. I had gained so so much weight that I also didn’t look like myself for a long time and my two were high need so the first 3 years or so we’re so so difficult. I am happy to report that I’ve lost all the baby pounds and am doing reformer Pilates and am now feeling stronger than before kids... I’m also enjoying reading again. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t worry. But wow it was tough.
posted by catspajammies at 10:46 PM on February 20, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 10:46 PM on February 20, 2020 [3 favorites]
I definitely felt like when palababy was 9 months, although I think the recommendation to speak with your doctor regarding ppd is worth considering as I look back now and wonder if I should have had that conversation with my doctor.
BUT! He's 19 months now and I'm starting to feel like myself again in terms of having energy for other things outside of the baby and surviving my job. I mean I'm still tired, but I feel more like prebaby-me than a year ago.
posted by later, paladudes at 10:58 PM on February 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
BUT! He's 19 months now and I'm starting to feel like myself again in terms of having energy for other things outside of the baby and surviving my job. I mean I'm still tired, but I feel more like prebaby-me than a year ago.
posted by later, paladudes at 10:58 PM on February 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
I felt like that. I also think I may have had ppd but never got evaluated. I don’t know whether this is just what it’s like with young babies or whether I had something more. Either way, it did pass eventually.
posted by Jubey at 11:21 PM on February 20, 2020
posted by Jubey at 11:21 PM on February 20, 2020
Hang in there redlines, you are going to be fine! There is one family picture when Lil' Ouke is around 9 months old. We lovingly call it The Crack House Family Portrait, because we look like shit. After more than half a year with a baby that chose to sleep during the day and party during the night. We all turned out fine. And so will you redlines. So will you.
posted by ouke at 1:13 AM on February 21, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by ouke at 1:13 AM on February 21, 2020 [4 favorites]
We see you and feel you. It's not easy. I second that you might have a touch of PPD, but even if you don't, it's pretty normal to feel the way you do. You'll find your way again - it took me 2 years to get back to some version of my pre-baby life.
But in the process, you also reinvent yourself as not exactly the same person as before you had a baby. The post-baby me dresses differently than before, has somewhat different hobbies (although my main interests are still the same) and enjoys some things I haven't enjoyed before.
Some of it is driven by basic facts of life - like not having enough time for really time-consuming hobbies, or having to take care of another human being, or prioritizing sleep above almost anything else - but you might find you emerge on the other side of this baby thing as a different person.
Take your time in this process, explore and try on different personalities, and above all, do not be frightened of the process. You are still you. But nothing is stopping you from redefining what this means for you.
posted by gakiko at 3:36 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
But in the process, you also reinvent yourself as not exactly the same person as before you had a baby. The post-baby me dresses differently than before, has somewhat different hobbies (although my main interests are still the same) and enjoys some things I haven't enjoyed before.
Some of it is driven by basic facts of life - like not having enough time for really time-consuming hobbies, or having to take care of another human being, or prioritizing sleep above almost anything else - but you might find you emerge on the other side of this baby thing as a different person.
Take your time in this process, explore and try on different personalities, and above all, do not be frightened of the process. You are still you. But nothing is stopping you from redefining what this means for you.
posted by gakiko at 3:36 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have one kid and am pregnant with my second. Despite a husband who really did half the work, lots of extra help from family who basically moved in with us during the postpartum period and a flexible, supportive job, I remember that I took a deep breath at a bit over a year and felt that I was myself again. All of which to say that it can really take a while, and sleep has a lot to do with it, particularly cumulative sleep debt, but in my experience you will get yourself back again. I wouldn't expect your lifestyle to ever be exactly the same as pre-kid but you will get your interests and passions back again.
But circumstances can make a big difference. I read in a previous question that you moved cities recently? That can be a huge stressful event just in general, and even more so with a baby. Also are you currently at home with the kid (I read that you were splitting up your leave)? If so, I think it's normal to be harried. I know there's an image in media of women "enjoying their leave" but personally I needed the separation of several hours at work to really appreciate my baby during our time together. Stopping pumping was also a huge milestone - a big quality of life boost and it felt great to reclaim all the brain cells I'd been devoting to planning my next pumping session and strategizing about milk supply.
All of which to say - it will get better and hopefully very soon!
posted by peacheater at 4:46 AM on February 21, 2020
But circumstances can make a big difference. I read in a previous question that you moved cities recently? That can be a huge stressful event just in general, and even more so with a baby. Also are you currently at home with the kid (I read that you were splitting up your leave)? If so, I think it's normal to be harried. I know there's an image in media of women "enjoying their leave" but personally I needed the separation of several hours at work to really appreciate my baby during our time together. Stopping pumping was also a huge milestone - a big quality of life boost and it felt great to reclaim all the brain cells I'd been devoting to planning my next pumping session and strategizing about milk supply.
All of which to say - it will get better and hopefully very soon!
posted by peacheater at 4:46 AM on February 21, 2020
Hang on in there, it does get easier. But also: YOU NEED SLEEP. I bet you a lot of this is about you not having enough sleep.
Honestly it is worth sacrificing everything and anything, to get enough sleep. Arrange your schedule so you can get pockets of sleep: Eat sandwiches for dinner rather than cook, so instead you can take a nap; ignore the housework and sleep instead; find a quiet place to sleep during your lunch break. Whatever it takes.
But most importantly: Is your partner doing half of the night wakings? This is really important. If you little one is breast fed, try expressing so your partner can bottle feed breast milk. Each getting six solid hours sleep is better than one person only getting 3.
(I get that this is a really difficult choice for many couples. The hard thing for many people is, you have to get your head around the idea that the breast feeding mother being on her knees with sleep deprivation, to the point of being driven to utter despair, is a worse outcome than the baby potentially being bottle fed or even having some formula. All over the world, babies drink formula and/or breast milk out of a bottle all the time, and grow up to be fine. You also need to be fine.)
Good luck!
posted by EllaEm at 4:56 AM on February 21, 2020 [11 favorites]
Honestly it is worth sacrificing everything and anything, to get enough sleep. Arrange your schedule so you can get pockets of sleep: Eat sandwiches for dinner rather than cook, so instead you can take a nap; ignore the housework and sleep instead; find a quiet place to sleep during your lunch break. Whatever it takes.
But most importantly: Is your partner doing half of the night wakings? This is really important. If you little one is breast fed, try expressing so your partner can bottle feed breast milk. Each getting six solid hours sleep is better than one person only getting 3.
(I get that this is a really difficult choice for many couples. The hard thing for many people is, you have to get your head around the idea that the breast feeding mother being on her knees with sleep deprivation, to the point of being driven to utter despair, is a worse outcome than the baby potentially being bottle fed or even having some formula. All over the world, babies drink formula and/or breast milk out of a bottle all the time, and grow up to be fine. You also need to be fine.)
Good luck!
posted by EllaEm at 4:56 AM on February 21, 2020 [11 favorites]
My experience as a mom was like yours, and my life never did go back to the way it was before. My kid is 11 now. I experienced what I would call borderline trauma because although I loved my daughter like mad I spent so much of my energy on her, which was exhausting, and thought of her and probably worried way too much, I couldn’t help it. I went back to work full time at 8 weeks but had a strained relationship with her father and didn’t get child support. The arrival of a child to love and take care of was a huge adjustment for a 43 year old (me) who didn’t plan for a baby. I had a couple of friends to spend an evening or two with but it was generally just me alone with her nights and weekends. I mean, there just isn’t enough time in the day to get it all done let alone done well. I think when I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb it got much better and I was able to embrace my “ new” life rather than imagine getting back to my old passions and pastimes, sleep and freedom to have expansive recreational time, especially on weekends, that I started feeling moments of sheer joy in places I never expected because it was, after all, a new life! I felt more and more days of peace, excitement for the day ahead, and accomplishment. Resistance was futile and heartbreaking because it took me away from what I had and kept me in the past. It’s hard to let go of the parts of me I thought were the best parts but really I don’t miss that stuff anymore and have let lots of new stuff in. And, yeah, sleep deprivation does fade away.
posted by waving at 4:57 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 4:57 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
My son is 3. I don't feel like the person I was before pregnancy but I do feel more like an individual now, and have been able to reconnect with pieces of the person I was before I became a mother. Things got so much better when he started sleeping through the night. I didn't realize how much sleep deprivation was messing with me until I was able to sleep more.
I've started a new hobby trying to master baking bread. I have some time for friends (not much, but some, including child free friendships). I follow articles on topics of interest. Parenting is a topic of interest but isn't all-consuming like it used to be.
There is a parenting Facebook group for MeFites. Send me a MeMail if you're interested in joining.
posted by crunchy potato at 5:08 AM on February 21, 2020 [3 favorites]
I've started a new hobby trying to master baking bread. I have some time for friends (not much, but some, including child free friendships). I follow articles on topics of interest. Parenting is a topic of interest but isn't all-consuming like it used to be.
There is a parenting Facebook group for MeFites. Send me a MeMail if you're interested in joining.
posted by crunchy potato at 5:08 AM on February 21, 2020 [3 favorites]
As everyone else said, this is exactly what it feels like to have a baby, but not necessarily what it feels like to have a kid. There are ways in which it gets harder (more complicated), but at your phase I was feeling despair because I was not the owner of the inside of my own head. Getting used to having him at the back of my mind all the time was a huge struggle, and it passed once I really got used to the fact that he would mostly just stay alive when I wasn't thinking about him. Like, I could stop worrying when he was asleep in bed, or sitting quietly in front of me. It took time to build the mental muscle memory.
I went back to work part time at 18 months and that helped a lot (it was a new job). But I will agree with everyone that sleep made a big difference; I was able to get 6 hours reliably by splitting the night when he was just a couple of months, and while I still missed the extra, that was a big turning point, too.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:13 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
I went back to work part time at 18 months and that helped a lot (it was a new job). But I will agree with everyone that sleep made a big difference; I was able to get 6 hours reliably by splitting the night when he was just a couple of months, and while I still missed the extra, that was a big turning point, too.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:13 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
Chiming in to second everything else everyone has said. My kids are now 7 and 5, and I feel like I'm more me than I ever have been - but I totally lost myself when they were babies. Sleep deprivation and the constant on-callness of baby and toddlerhood are brutal. It gets so much better! (and worse and better and worse and better....)
Also seconding that you may have some ppd or regular depression, even though all of what you're describing also sounds normal. I actually think it's normal that all new parents (well, parents of a new baby, even if it's not their first) would be depressed the first year or so; it's kind of a depressing time. You should be evaluated just so you know what your options are. I think our family would have been happier and less stressful at the time if I had done that but it took me a little bit longer to realize it.
I hope you join our Facebook parenting group. It's the second-best place on the internet, after MeFi.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 5:24 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
Also seconding that you may have some ppd or regular depression, even though all of what you're describing also sounds normal. I actually think it's normal that all new parents (well, parents of a new baby, even if it's not their first) would be depressed the first year or so; it's kind of a depressing time. You should be evaluated just so you know what your options are. I think our family would have been happier and less stressful at the time if I had done that but it took me a little bit longer to realize it.
I hope you join our Facebook parenting group. It's the second-best place on the internet, after MeFi.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 5:24 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
When my son turned one, and started really sleeping through the night, I started getting actual good sleep and the difference was TRANSFORMATIVE.
And then when he turned two, things started getting SO MUCH EASIER (enough that I actually briefly considered having another one even though my husband and I are very firmly One and Done) and I felt like I could have a life again.
Each year with kids gets a bit easier. My son is nine now and self-sufficient for long stretches (and no longer cuddly which I miss). The baby period is very hard, especially from a self-care perspective.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:18 AM on February 21, 2020
And then when he turned two, things started getting SO MUCH EASIER (enough that I actually briefly considered having another one even though my husband and I are very firmly One and Done) and I felt like I could have a life again.
Each year with kids gets a bit easier. My son is nine now and self-sufficient for long stretches (and no longer cuddly which I miss). The baby period is very hard, especially from a self-care perspective.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:18 AM on February 21, 2020
Hang in there, my dear.
posted by nkknkk at 6:36 AM on February 21, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by nkknkk at 6:36 AM on February 21, 2020 [2 favorites]
My baby is 9.5 months old.
When I went back to work about six weeks ago, I wanted to keep breastfeeding my baby at night. I also didn't want to pump. I decided (with my partner's complete support) that one night waking was totally manageable, but two felt VERY hard. So we decided that my partner is the one who deals with the second night waking, when there is one. I breastfeed him during the first wake-up. If he wakes up a second time, my partner gets up, and if the baby's hungry, my partner gives him a bottle of formula.
I have a friend with a 10-month old who was up a million times every night, and had been for months. It was getting completely unmanageable. This week, she paid for a consultation with a professional sleep coach (online), and started sleep training. She regrets waiting so long. She wanted so badly to always breastfeed on demand, and to always comfort her baby, and to do other very loving things, that she got caught in a sleep-deprived mess. She feels a million times better already, and the baby is also happier and better rested.
This is just to give two examples of ways that people have managed the sleep difficulties of having an older baby. We both feel MUCH more like ourselves with a more sleep. Maybe there's something similar that can help you get more sleep and feel more like yourself. Good luck!
posted by MangoNews at 7:08 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
When I went back to work about six weeks ago, I wanted to keep breastfeeding my baby at night. I also didn't want to pump. I decided (with my partner's complete support) that one night waking was totally manageable, but two felt VERY hard. So we decided that my partner is the one who deals with the second night waking, when there is one. I breastfeed him during the first wake-up. If he wakes up a second time, my partner gets up, and if the baby's hungry, my partner gives him a bottle of formula.
I have a friend with a 10-month old who was up a million times every night, and had been for months. It was getting completely unmanageable. This week, she paid for a consultation with a professional sleep coach (online), and started sleep training. She regrets waiting so long. She wanted so badly to always breastfeed on demand, and to always comfort her baby, and to do other very loving things, that she got caught in a sleep-deprived mess. She feels a million times better already, and the baby is also happier and better rested.
This is just to give two examples of ways that people have managed the sleep difficulties of having an older baby. We both feel MUCH more like ourselves with a more sleep. Maybe there's something similar that can help you get more sleep and feel more like yourself. Good luck!
posted by MangoNews at 7:08 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
We have four kids, now aged 12 to 20. You will make it, mostly through sheer endurance, and taking small joys where you find them. Gradually you'll re-emerge into the light without noticing it. Lack of sleep is brutal. Nothing you feel is wrong.
The first few months you'll get your rewards from sweet little smiles and Baby Smell and later on laughter and hugs -- forget about movies or books or conversation that doesn't concern what goes into/onto/out of the baby. But the more they eat, the more they grow, and the better they sleep, and eventually you get half an hour here or there to yourself.
Now that you're back to work, the increasing space in your head has been consumed by work stuff. You'll have to concentrate less and less on The Baby as they grow into a little human, and your damn brain will come back. :7)
But make no mistake, now that I am responsible for someone else's life, it really moved to the forefront of my attention. *shrug* For us that is a good thing -- good enough that we had three more. But it's demanding, you bet, even now.
Remember: "Put on your own mask before assisting others," because you're not much use to Baby if you're a mess yourself.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:14 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
The first few months you'll get your rewards from sweet little smiles and Baby Smell and later on laughter and hugs -- forget about movies or books or conversation that doesn't concern what goes into/onto/out of the baby. But the more they eat, the more they grow, and the better they sleep, and eventually you get half an hour here or there to yourself.
Now that you're back to work, the increasing space in your head has been consumed by work stuff. You'll have to concentrate less and less on The Baby as they grow into a little human, and your damn brain will come back. :7)
But make no mistake, now that I am responsible for someone else's life, it really moved to the forefront of my attention. *shrug* For us that is a good thing -- good enough that we had three more. But it's demanding, you bet, even now.
Remember: "Put on your own mask before assisting others," because you're not much use to Baby if you're a mess yourself.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:14 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
I agree that it's normal to still be tired with a nine month old, hell I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old and I still don't feel like I have the energy to enjoy all of the things I used to. However, I don't think it's normal to be so exhausted that you are barely surviving, to the point that you forget to eat and don't even have time to shower. That sounds like the newborn phase to me. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, some babies are definitely more challenging that others, but I also don't think you just have to accept that that's just the way it is and keep suffering through it. It sounds like your baby must be waking up multiple times/night? Have you thought about any kind of sleep training? Are you and your partner taking turns with night wakings? Are you able to hire a sitter, or have a family member come help out on a regular basis?
As they get older, some things get easier (sleep is usually one of those things, though this is something we actively had to work towards with my first, who was a terrible sleeper) and some things get more challenging. But when you aren't getting enough sleep, everything is hard. Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself.
posted by lomes at 7:15 AM on February 21, 2020 [2 favorites]
As they get older, some things get easier (sleep is usually one of those things, though this is something we actively had to work towards with my first, who was a terrible sleeper) and some things get more challenging. But when you aren't getting enough sleep, everything is hard. Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself.
posted by lomes at 7:15 AM on February 21, 2020 [2 favorites]
Sleep train. You need to sleep. Baby needs to sleep.
posted by k8t at 7:34 AM on February 21, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by k8t at 7:34 AM on February 21, 2020 [9 favorites]
I felt like this in the newborn phase till about 4 - 5 months. I remember thinking that my whole life was just about the very bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy of needs: eat, sleep, poop. New parents don't have time for self-actualization.
But there's a difference between not having time to do things, and not enjoying things anymore.
Do you enjoy getting to drink your coffee while it's hot when you're at work? Do you enjoy listening to a podcast on the commute to work? If you were to schedule a lunch or dinner date with a friend, would you enjoy it?
If the answer is yes, hang in there and try to get more sleep any way you can. If the answer is no, hang in there, try to get more sleep any way you can, and see your doctor about potential depression.
posted by spicytunaroll at 8:09 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
But there's a difference between not having time to do things, and not enjoying things anymore.
Do you enjoy getting to drink your coffee while it's hot when you're at work? Do you enjoy listening to a podcast on the commute to work? If you were to schedule a lunch or dinner date with a friend, would you enjoy it?
If the answer is yes, hang in there and try to get more sleep any way you can. If the answer is no, hang in there, try to get more sleep any way you can, and see your doctor about potential depression.
posted by spicytunaroll at 8:09 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
When my kid was 9 months I did not feel as wrung out as you describe, no! This sounds a bit extreme to me.
You really need to get more sleep. Bring in family or hire a sitter to cover the period of time when your kid waking you is hurting the most so you can catch up on sleep. Even just two good nights of sleep will help. For me it was 6-8 am- I just could not keep it together that early. I found a young woman who taught yoga near me starting at 9, so she would come to my house for 2 hours before her class, and from 6-8 am she would feed my baby breakfast and play very quiet ukulele songs to him while hubby and I napped upstairs with earplugs in! It was BLISSFUL. I paid her $16/hour and had her come on Tuesdays and Fridays for a couple months, and it made our whole week better! $64 a week for sanity!
You also really need to eat. Give yourself permission to order in some big delivery feasts- like get $100 worth of food at a time- and eat the leftovers.
This would be a great time to reach out to a couple of friends and say "I'm having a really hard time with eating and sleeping right now and it's making me feel terrible.... If you have any childcare or feeding me help to offer I would gratefully appreciate it!" Honestly, just a few days of care in this regard will make you feel so much better.
If you do not take care of yourself, your kid cannot be happy. Moms have to eat and sleep! (And pee! Moms never pee enough bc they feel too busy. Always pee!)
Also please get screened for post-partum depression, these are definitely symptoms.
Sending you good vibes! Babies are HARD!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:10 AM on February 21, 2020
You really need to get more sleep. Bring in family or hire a sitter to cover the period of time when your kid waking you is hurting the most so you can catch up on sleep. Even just two good nights of sleep will help. For me it was 6-8 am- I just could not keep it together that early. I found a young woman who taught yoga near me starting at 9, so she would come to my house for 2 hours before her class, and from 6-8 am she would feed my baby breakfast and play very quiet ukulele songs to him while hubby and I napped upstairs with earplugs in! It was BLISSFUL. I paid her $16/hour and had her come on Tuesdays and Fridays for a couple months, and it made our whole week better! $64 a week for sanity!
You also really need to eat. Give yourself permission to order in some big delivery feasts- like get $100 worth of food at a time- and eat the leftovers.
This would be a great time to reach out to a couple of friends and say "I'm having a really hard time with eating and sleeping right now and it's making me feel terrible.... If you have any childcare or feeding me help to offer I would gratefully appreciate it!" Honestly, just a few days of care in this regard will make you feel so much better.
If you do not take care of yourself, your kid cannot be happy. Moms have to eat and sleep! (And pee! Moms never pee enough bc they feel too busy. Always pee!)
Also please get screened for post-partum depression, these are definitely symptoms.
Sending you good vibes! Babies are HARD!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:10 AM on February 21, 2020
I think part of my identity, and maybe part of yours, was tied up with those former hobbies and interests. I've seen so much parent (esp. mom) advice to make sure you have the support to be something more than just a mom or "not lose yourself" in parenting. Maybe that's good advice for some people but I think it also puts pressure on us to maintain an identity that doesn't fit at the moment.
For me (mom of 2 y/o) an important, helpful mental shift was acknowledging that it was OK to put my former interests/hobbies on hold and live in the moment instead. That is was OK to sit and play with my kid for an hour and look in his eyes and make each other giggle. That's "doing something!" And that it is definitely OK to prioritize sleep over activities like TV or reading (I haven't watched TV / Netflix for 2 years now and life is great).
Another thing that has helped is thinking of some things that brought me great pleasure and how I could work those into my new family. I LOVE travel so we took baby on a few big trips. I also love food so we took him to nice restaurants now and then, and he "helps" me cook. I introduce the kid to music I like. These activities are different than when I was childless - instead of running from museum to museum on a trip, we might spend hours in a park. "Helping" me cook might be picking up apple peels. But children are much more adaptable than we sometimes think.
Creating healthy routines is big too, and kids love routines. When has it been difficult for you to shower or eat? If during shower time, baby gets to hang out in a pack and play with a different set of toys and books, it will be fun for both of you. If you involve your baby in the breakfast routine, baby will start to remember (I have mine press the blender button to make smoothies - since before he was 1 year old - and he wakes up asking to do it every morning). As other people have said, a lot of these things start falling into place in a few months, but you can start planting the seeds now.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:13 AM on February 21, 2020 [4 favorites]
For me (mom of 2 y/o) an important, helpful mental shift was acknowledging that it was OK to put my former interests/hobbies on hold and live in the moment instead. That is was OK to sit and play with my kid for an hour and look in his eyes and make each other giggle. That's "doing something!" And that it is definitely OK to prioritize sleep over activities like TV or reading (I haven't watched TV / Netflix for 2 years now and life is great).
Another thing that has helped is thinking of some things that brought me great pleasure and how I could work those into my new family. I LOVE travel so we took baby on a few big trips. I also love food so we took him to nice restaurants now and then, and he "helps" me cook. I introduce the kid to music I like. These activities are different than when I was childless - instead of running from museum to museum on a trip, we might spend hours in a park. "Helping" me cook might be picking up apple peels. But children are much more adaptable than we sometimes think.
Creating healthy routines is big too, and kids love routines. When has it been difficult for you to shower or eat? If during shower time, baby gets to hang out in a pack and play with a different set of toys and books, it will be fun for both of you. If you involve your baby in the breakfast routine, baby will start to remember (I have mine press the blender button to make smoothies - since before he was 1 year old - and he wakes up asking to do it every morning). As other people have said, a lot of these things start falling into place in a few months, but you can start planting the seeds now.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:13 AM on February 21, 2020 [4 favorites]
I had a post-partum doula come in during the first weeks of my baby’s life and she really helped us set the tone for the early months. Can you have a visit with a doula to check in on you and baby, see how things are and help you get on a better course?
One of the most important things I got from her was that our whole family mission was to make sure I got a continuous five hours of sleep at some point every 24 hours. Have you been getting that at a minimum? I was working from home during my kid’s first two years. She was in part-time daycare and often I had to do a big catch-up night on Friday nights. Hand her to husband with the understanding that he was “on” all night. I couldn’t sleep well unless I knew he was on and in charge.
I did a mix of bottle and breast for the first 3 months and then weaned. That helped us so much to share the load.
But truly, I didn’t feel even close to “myself” until a year out. And it makes a sort of sense, 1 year of being pregnant and doing the “fourth” trimester of newborn life and one year to return to “normal.” Sleep is a huuuuuuge part of this.
posted by amanda at 8:28 AM on February 21, 2020
One of the most important things I got from her was that our whole family mission was to make sure I got a continuous five hours of sleep at some point every 24 hours. Have you been getting that at a minimum? I was working from home during my kid’s first two years. She was in part-time daycare and often I had to do a big catch-up night on Friday nights. Hand her to husband with the understanding that he was “on” all night. I couldn’t sleep well unless I knew he was on and in charge.
I did a mix of bottle and breast for the first 3 months and then weaned. That helped us so much to share the load.
But truly, I didn’t feel even close to “myself” until a year out. And it makes a sort of sense, 1 year of being pregnant and doing the “fourth” trimester of newborn life and one year to return to “normal.” Sleep is a huuuuuuge part of this.
posted by amanda at 8:28 AM on February 21, 2020
I remember having the Kaiser social worker call me when my kid was about 4 1/2 mos. and ask me what I was doing for separation from the baby - what was my relief? And I said, well, I have a nanny share two days a week, and she said uh huh, and then asked me if there was any time when I wasn't working that I had time to myself, and it made me realize that I had been using my work time as separation from being a new parent. And I was pumping at work! It's not like I wasn't thinking about my kid when I was at work!
There is a difference, as others have pointed out above, between being tired all the time and forgetting to eat. I never ever stopped eating or drinking water when I was breastfeeding, and I protected my shower time like a dragon on her hoard (...of hot water I guess?) I would let my baby cry in her crib while I took 15 minutes in the shower. Please get yourself assessed for ppd, and ask your partner and maybe close friends or parents to keep a close eye on you.
Please make someone else responsible for feeding you, and bringing you a plate while you are stuck under the baby. Order groceries. Whatever you can let go of, do it.
Is the weather good where you are? Can you be outdoors, with or without the baby? If not, is there a 3rd space (not work, not home) that you can get to for an hour or so every few days?
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:48 AM on February 21, 2020 [6 favorites]
There is a difference, as others have pointed out above, between being tired all the time and forgetting to eat. I never ever stopped eating or drinking water when I was breastfeeding, and I protected my shower time like a dragon on her hoard (...of hot water I guess?) I would let my baby cry in her crib while I took 15 minutes in the shower. Please get yourself assessed for ppd, and ask your partner and maybe close friends or parents to keep a close eye on you.
Please make someone else responsible for feeding you, and bringing you a plate while you are stuck under the baby. Order groceries. Whatever you can let go of, do it.
Is the weather good where you are? Can you be outdoors, with or without the baby? If not, is there a 3rd space (not work, not home) that you can get to for an hour or so every few days?
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:48 AM on February 21, 2020 [6 favorites]
I agree with the people who are saying that this sounds a little worse than normal, and that it's probably due to lack of sleep.
For me, things were getting much better by nine months. I was just slowly weaning off the last night feeding, which made life better. Night-weaning was followed by 3-4 months of 5am wake ups, so not a total win, but at least I could get a consolidated night. My kid was not a great sleeper - we had a rough newborn to six month period - but by that point, she was starting to get it.
Sometimes, I still couldn't sleep because of anxiety and constantly listening for the baby, so I would spend a night or two in our basement where I couldn't hear at all. My husband knew that he was completely on duty then.
Also at that point, our evenings were relatively relaxed - baby went to bed by 7:30 or so and then adults had time to unwind. We were both doing our hobbies again, though less than before. We had a teenage babysitter to come sit in our house in the evening after the baby was asleep so that we could go out occasionally. Or I could just go to bed early.
(Of course, every kid/ family is different - this is just a data point.)
posted by oryelle at 8:54 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
For me, things were getting much better by nine months. I was just slowly weaning off the last night feeding, which made life better. Night-weaning was followed by 3-4 months of 5am wake ups, so not a total win, but at least I could get a consolidated night. My kid was not a great sleeper - we had a rough newborn to six month period - but by that point, she was starting to get it.
Sometimes, I still couldn't sleep because of anxiety and constantly listening for the baby, so I would spend a night or two in our basement where I couldn't hear at all. My husband knew that he was completely on duty then.
Also at that point, our evenings were relatively relaxed - baby went to bed by 7:30 or so and then adults had time to unwind. We were both doing our hobbies again, though less than before. We had a teenage babysitter to come sit in our house in the evening after the baby was asleep so that we could go out occasionally. Or I could just go to bed early.
(Of course, every kid/ family is different - this is just a data point.)
posted by oryelle at 8:54 AM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
A couple of reasons you might not be feeling like yourself since the baby was born. A big one, of course, being sleep deprivation and lack of time to yourself. Your focus narrows down to survival... keeping the little one alive and well, and your own survival of them as well.
But also, many new parents "fall in love" with their babies and it can be a lot like starting a new romantic relationship in that for a while, you are ALL ABOUT this amazing new person in your life. You want to hang out with them a lot. They are adorable and you want to squish their face every chance you get. Everything they do is fascinating. Hobbies and friends and other interests take a back seat for a while. And when you do hang out with other people, what you mostly want to talk about is your darling little spawn.
I only ever had the one kid, so I don't know how it works if you've got new littles coming every few years for a while (if that is a thing you are planning.) But I do know that most parents eventually come back to who they were before, to some extent, as the kids get older. You do become interested in other things again, within the limits of that your time and money and childcare situation allow.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:11 AM on February 21, 2020 [2 favorites]
But also, many new parents "fall in love" with their babies and it can be a lot like starting a new romantic relationship in that for a while, you are ALL ABOUT this amazing new person in your life. You want to hang out with them a lot. They are adorable and you want to squish their face every chance you get. Everything they do is fascinating. Hobbies and friends and other interests take a back seat for a while. And when you do hang out with other people, what you mostly want to talk about is your darling little spawn.
I only ever had the one kid, so I don't know how it works if you've got new littles coming every few years for a while (if that is a thing you are planning.) But I do know that most parents eventually come back to who they were before, to some extent, as the kids get older. You do become interested in other things again, within the limits of that your time and money and childcare situation allow.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:11 AM on February 21, 2020 [2 favorites]
It does get better. This is one of those things that made me (finally) lament how disconnected we've become from bigger, intimate support groups. Growing up with a big, extended family, I used to grouse and complain about everyone being around all the time. Once I got to parenthood, and it was just two adults and three kids, jesus h. christ did I understand what I'd given up by hopping out into the world. Through much effort, we built a small "replacement" extended family--mostly other parents of kids in the neighborhood, and some no-kid friends who liked being around kids while socializing as adults--who could help each other shoulder the labor of being a parent. This seems to be how most people do it these days, intentionally or accidentally, and you'll get there. Nine months in, you're still in the deep end of discombobulation. Once your little one starts having a bit more agency and self-direction, you'll start to feel things changing for the better.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:33 AM on February 21, 2020
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:33 AM on February 21, 2020
Before my first kiddo was 10 months old, all I felt I was doing was keeping him alive out of a perverse sunk cost attitude. I'd spent so long pregnant, and was an old mom, and had a lot of restrictions and judgement put on me, that I was damned if that kid was going to croak or get hurt. After 10 months I really fell in love with him and began to have our own sort of enjoyment together. Having a supportive partner really helps. I did not, and I found/find it much easier to be single than to be with an unsupportive partner. Echoing many of the musings up-thread about whether I had PPD and should have talked to my doctor about it, but my GYN and midwives had been so dismissive of all my individual health concerns during pregnancy that it conditioned me to think that any concern I had about my health was selfish and/or minor. So hang in there. Speak up for your individual needs--you are a separate person and deserve wellness and medical attention if you need it, not just because you're a vessel for a kid; and ask for small respites from anyone around you who is supporting you.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:42 AM on February 21, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by cocoagirl at 9:42 AM on February 21, 2020 [4 favorites]
Mom of a 2.5 year old. If you look at my question history, you’ll see that I could have written this question during the first 2 years or so. I even wrote about not being able to shower. It does get better. I shower everyday that I want to, I remember to eat, I’m starting to exercise again, and I’ve begun reading books again. I’m socializing on occasion and getting out on dates with my husband. There are still hard times but it is SO much better.
I feel like folks have covered sleep and discussing this with a medical professional so I’ll add some different advice:
- baby/toddler comes along and practices waiting skills while “mom takes her turn.” I started bringing my daughter in the shower with me instead of giving her baths on days where I run out of time to shower on my own. You can install a handheld shower head pretty cheaply if that helps with this. Also, I eat when she eats and we eat the same things. As your kid starts eating this will be hard at first but get easier and easier.
- my partner is primary parent for 24 hours on the weekend. I get a full 24 hours to do what I want, when I want. Any amount of time you can carve out that is absolutely total free for you is worth it. At first this time made me feel sad and frightened because I literally did not know what to do with myself. Then I just started trying to do things and found the balance between DOING ALL THE THINGS and sitting around getting more depressed.
- I made a new hobby: noticing the moments. I just try to be really present when it occurs to me to do so and try to notice what my five senses can pick up.
I was really preoccupied with how I couldn’t talk to other adults anymore, had nothing to say for myself, and didn’t know how to make conversation anymore. That all got better too. Looking back, I think I probably was a really good listener during this time period and that that was ok and enough.
I’m not the same. But I like myself more now. I got through something really really hard. You are doing it. You can do it. Keep going.
posted by CMcG at 12:24 PM on February 21, 2020 [3 favorites]
I feel like folks have covered sleep and discussing this with a medical professional so I’ll add some different advice:
- baby/toddler comes along and practices waiting skills while “mom takes her turn.” I started bringing my daughter in the shower with me instead of giving her baths on days where I run out of time to shower on my own. You can install a handheld shower head pretty cheaply if that helps with this. Also, I eat when she eats and we eat the same things. As your kid starts eating this will be hard at first but get easier and easier.
- my partner is primary parent for 24 hours on the weekend. I get a full 24 hours to do what I want, when I want. Any amount of time you can carve out that is absolutely total free for you is worth it. At first this time made me feel sad and frightened because I literally did not know what to do with myself. Then I just started trying to do things and found the balance between DOING ALL THE THINGS and sitting around getting more depressed.
- I made a new hobby: noticing the moments. I just try to be really present when it occurs to me to do so and try to notice what my five senses can pick up.
I was really preoccupied with how I couldn’t talk to other adults anymore, had nothing to say for myself, and didn’t know how to make conversation anymore. That all got better too. Looking back, I think I probably was a really good listener during this time period and that that was ok and enough.
I’m not the same. But I like myself more now. I got through something really really hard. You are doing it. You can do it. Keep going.
posted by CMcG at 12:24 PM on February 21, 2020 [3 favorites]
It's winter and you're sleep-deprived, but you probably also have a touch of post partum depression.
(To be honest, I suspect it's more the rule than the exception, but very few people want to admit to it so it looks rare.)
Do you have a counselor or therapist, or Employee Assistance Program, or someone who can help you find somebody? I think you'd find it really helpful to share what you're feeling with someone outside the family to get their perspective.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:34 PM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
(To be honest, I suspect it's more the rule than the exception, but very few people want to admit to it so it looks rare.)
Do you have a counselor or therapist, or Employee Assistance Program, or someone who can help you find somebody? I think you'd find it really helpful to share what you're feeling with someone outside the family to get their perspective.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:34 PM on February 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
I haven't seen much mentioned in the other comments about your partner's effort and contribution here. I think your partner needs to step up more. Supportive is one thing, but are they doing at least half of the baby and household work? If you're not getting showers and not eating, they need to take some of the load off you and ensure you do get those things, at the very least. It's really shirking their responsibility. You have an adult human there, they should share the load with you. Anything less is unfair to you and to the baby.
Signed, a woman who was exhausted all the time because my daughter's father couldn't be assed to do a damn thing to help.
posted by cats are weird at 12:41 AM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
Signed, a woman who was exhausted all the time because my daughter's father couldn't be assed to do a damn thing to help.
posted by cats are weird at 12:41 AM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
I was not feeling like myself and very deep in mom mode at 9 months (I’d say I’m only 50% there at 15 months) but “I am very sleep deprived, exhausted, and in barely surviving mode” sounds a touch extreme to me and agree with others still sounds like newborn stage rather than 9 months in. It’s hard to tell why you’re so sleep deprived is but the most obvious guess is because the baby is still waking several times a night? I would address that first whether it’s a case of trying to start dropping some night feeds or sleep training in general. It will be a little bit worse for a little bit as you work through whatever the challenge is but it will be worth it to not feel so exhausted! Having more sleep totally changes your outlook on life.
Apart from that it does get better. This age is the best so far and only getting better. I would say it turned a corner for me when she started walking and started showing first signs of communicating wants.
posted by like_neon at 6:51 AM on February 22, 2020
Apart from that it does get better. This age is the best so far and only getting better. I would say it turned a corner for me when she started walking and started showing first signs of communicating wants.
posted by like_neon at 6:51 AM on February 22, 2020
Yeah, Ferber Method and get yourself some damn rest.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:30 PM on February 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by wenestvedt at 7:30 PM on February 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you are a woman and are still breastfeeding, I suggest you consider weaning. BFing really does a number on some people.
Think about your priorities... are you pressuring yourself to be perfect, have a tidy house etc?
Sometimes having kids can surface issues you may not have been aware of.
Eg, for me it *eventually* led to me realising I have ADHD.
They do become more fun and less stressful over time.
Everyone is different.
Good luck.
posted by 8k at 1:45 AM on February 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
Think about your priorities... are you pressuring yourself to be perfect, have a tidy house etc?
Sometimes having kids can surface issues you may not have been aware of.
Eg, for me it *eventually* led to me realising I have ADHD.
They do become more fun and less stressful over time.
Everyone is different.
Good luck.
posted by 8k at 1:45 AM on February 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by letahl at 9:34 PM on February 20, 2020 [5 favorites]