Bf hasn't contacted me in over two weeks
January 23, 2020 7:32 AM Subscribe
We had a falling out and I haven't had a peep from him since. I think it's over. When he does contact me, what should I say?
I've been with this guy for two years. While the sex is the best either of us has ever had and we have a beautifully tender horizontal relationship, vertically it's quite different. He doesn't volunteer that he loves me and it seems like it's hard for him to say it back to me when I do, so I say it a lot less than I would naturally. He often gets moody and irritated by something I say and is generally quite judgmental and I have to watch myself. His family has confirmed he treats them similarly. He rarely smiles. When I come to his house he waits for me to walk up to him to kiss him, never the other way around. When he's upset over something unrelated he occasionally takes it out on me and then we don't speak for a few days. Typically I reach out to him and we make up.
He wasn't always like this at all. We had a wonderful, passionate love almost at first sight. We'd have deep belly laughs, I'd sing while he played the uke, we'd read to each other and watch art films, dance in his living room, have picnics by the lake after work, cook, make plans to start a fashion line together, go to the nude beach in summer, vacation in Europe, dress alike, sit close together in restaurants and share an entree because we are small people. We share the same political outlook and feel passionately about social justice.
Over time I noticed he'd take the moral high ground on various topics we discuss and would criticize me with this attitude of intellectual superiority ("You'd use psychiatric terminology correctly if you read books rather than online articles.").
I am 6 years older and at the peak of my career. He is still trying to make it. He lives with a roommate and drives a tiny car, while I have a million-dollar house with a view and a fancy sports car. I am divorced and have two teens, he's never been married and has no kids. He disagrees with how I'm raising them and when they are bored and fidgety at a restaurant or use their phones, he lets me know he disapproves. He had made a few attempts to connect with them but they clearly irritated him and he gave up and came to my house only rarely. I would almost always go to his, and spend the night on the weekends while my mom watched the kids (she lives with us).
I think he began to noticeably limit his affections about nine months into it when we had a big argument and he admitted he wasn't a family man. I told him we should call it quits, but we both missed each other and got back together after a week.
About three weeks ago, we were talking about climate change and I said the state would need to impose austerity measures because I didn't think people would voluntarily live responsibly. It simply isn't as comfortable as how we live today. He said "You're so bougie. It's gross." I cried, as I do when I am hurt. (He typically calls me dramatic when I cry and doesn't get why I do.) He gave me a non-apology ("Sorry you feel this way") and we each went home. The next day, a Friday, he apologized properly by text and said he'd been upset about work and had taken it out on me. He asked if I had plans and that he'd like to see me at some point. I said I had no plans and agreed to meet. Then the whole weekend passed and he hadn't gotten back to me. Late on Sunday he wrote to say he'd fallen asleep as we were texting.
For once I hadn't missed him intensely, I hadn't felt deep sadness over a weekend lost (weekends are our only times together), I hadn't cried. I kept busy and this had been one too many of his tantrums. So when I heard back from him on Sunday, I was kind of indifferent. And I had a revelation: I was indifferent because I didn't care. There was no drama this time because I didn't care. And there is never any drama from him because he doesn't care. Hasn't cared in a long long time.
Writing this all down, it seems obvious I should move on. I am mulling over in my head how to talk to him when he does contact me. In my heart of hearts, I wish this time apart would give him the opportunity to realize he does love me and should commit to me fully, not in this half-hearted way he's been for so long. But it shouldn't have to take three weeks. So the more likely scenario is that it is in fact over.
How can I take control of the narrative?
I've been with this guy for two years. While the sex is the best either of us has ever had and we have a beautifully tender horizontal relationship, vertically it's quite different. He doesn't volunteer that he loves me and it seems like it's hard for him to say it back to me when I do, so I say it a lot less than I would naturally. He often gets moody and irritated by something I say and is generally quite judgmental and I have to watch myself. His family has confirmed he treats them similarly. He rarely smiles. When I come to his house he waits for me to walk up to him to kiss him, never the other way around. When he's upset over something unrelated he occasionally takes it out on me and then we don't speak for a few days. Typically I reach out to him and we make up.
He wasn't always like this at all. We had a wonderful, passionate love almost at first sight. We'd have deep belly laughs, I'd sing while he played the uke, we'd read to each other and watch art films, dance in his living room, have picnics by the lake after work, cook, make plans to start a fashion line together, go to the nude beach in summer, vacation in Europe, dress alike, sit close together in restaurants and share an entree because we are small people. We share the same political outlook and feel passionately about social justice.
Over time I noticed he'd take the moral high ground on various topics we discuss and would criticize me with this attitude of intellectual superiority ("You'd use psychiatric terminology correctly if you read books rather than online articles.").
I am 6 years older and at the peak of my career. He is still trying to make it. He lives with a roommate and drives a tiny car, while I have a million-dollar house with a view and a fancy sports car. I am divorced and have two teens, he's never been married and has no kids. He disagrees with how I'm raising them and when they are bored and fidgety at a restaurant or use their phones, he lets me know he disapproves. He had made a few attempts to connect with them but they clearly irritated him and he gave up and came to my house only rarely. I would almost always go to his, and spend the night on the weekends while my mom watched the kids (she lives with us).
I think he began to noticeably limit his affections about nine months into it when we had a big argument and he admitted he wasn't a family man. I told him we should call it quits, but we both missed each other and got back together after a week.
About three weeks ago, we were talking about climate change and I said the state would need to impose austerity measures because I didn't think people would voluntarily live responsibly. It simply isn't as comfortable as how we live today. He said "You're so bougie. It's gross." I cried, as I do when I am hurt. (He typically calls me dramatic when I cry and doesn't get why I do.) He gave me a non-apology ("Sorry you feel this way") and we each went home. The next day, a Friday, he apologized properly by text and said he'd been upset about work and had taken it out on me. He asked if I had plans and that he'd like to see me at some point. I said I had no plans and agreed to meet. Then the whole weekend passed and he hadn't gotten back to me. Late on Sunday he wrote to say he'd fallen asleep as we were texting.
For once I hadn't missed him intensely, I hadn't felt deep sadness over a weekend lost (weekends are our only times together), I hadn't cried. I kept busy and this had been one too many of his tantrums. So when I heard back from him on Sunday, I was kind of indifferent. And I had a revelation: I was indifferent because I didn't care. There was no drama this time because I didn't care. And there is never any drama from him because he doesn't care. Hasn't cared in a long long time.
Writing this all down, it seems obvious I should move on. I am mulling over in my head how to talk to him when he does contact me. In my heart of hearts, I wish this time apart would give him the opportunity to realize he does love me and should commit to me fully, not in this half-hearted way he's been for so long. But it shouldn't have to take three weeks. So the more likely scenario is that it is in fact over.
How can I take control of the narrative?
Yeah, dtmfa. You deserve someone who isn’t a judgy and controlling so-and-so to you and your kids.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 7:43 AM on January 23, 2020 [20 favorites]
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 7:43 AM on January 23, 2020 [20 favorites]
Block his number. It sounds like he wants to hang out in your “million-dollar house” while treating you like a member of the parasitic bourgeoisie; why put up with that kind of contempt?
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:44 AM on January 23, 2020 [22 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:44 AM on January 23, 2020 [22 favorites]
You can't take control of the narrative. That's literally the one thing you can't control. It's not a relationship if one of you controls what the relationship is or if it exists.
It seems to me that this relationship has ended - in reality - although maybe not in either of your minds. So if you want to control the narrative, make up your mind for it to be over, and then let it be over.
Or, if you want to work on the narrative together, make up your mind what you want to change, and then make that change (if you're in control of that) or ask for that change to go into effect if he has to make it. Decide what you will do if he doesn't want to make any changes.
It reads to me like you have been sitting around in this relationship waiting for him to change his behavior in a way he has never indicated he intends to. There is so much you would change about him if you could, from your question. It also sounds like he'd like you to change in a bunch of ways. Have you ever actually asked eachother to make those changes? Or do you think you can grumpily will eachother into those behaving differently or even being different people?
If I were you, I would sit down and write a bunch of my feelings about this. I'd work hard to figure out, cleanly and clearly, what the version of this relationship is that I would want to fight for. Then I'd list out all of the things I think need to change. Then, I would look at that and see if it seemed realistic, if I felt like asking for those changes to come to pass were worth the effort and the potential pain of hearing "no" and moving on. If I decided I could see a relationship worth saving, and had a list of things I thought could be done to get there, I would ask him to do the same, and indicate I was open to doing them.
If you are just waiting for him to divine what you want out of the relationship and do it, that's not going to happen. It's not a referendum on your worth - it's just not going to happen - it doesn't have anything to do with you. And if he's doing the same thing, well, maybe you two can talk honestly about that, if it's worth it to both of you, and see if there's a way forward.
From the way you are freezing one another out, I think you have more in common than you think. You get to decide if that's a good thing worth building on. None of us know.
If this sounds harsh, I'm really sorry, it's not my intention. Your description of the good times makes it clear that when things are working, when you are clicking, it is beautiful. Only you know whether or not those good times are possible to recapture again. You can't just want it. It's going to take a lot of work on both of your parts. Can you do it? Can he?
posted by pazazygeek at 7:46 AM on January 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
It seems to me that this relationship has ended - in reality - although maybe not in either of your minds. So if you want to control the narrative, make up your mind for it to be over, and then let it be over.
Or, if you want to work on the narrative together, make up your mind what you want to change, and then make that change (if you're in control of that) or ask for that change to go into effect if he has to make it. Decide what you will do if he doesn't want to make any changes.
It reads to me like you have been sitting around in this relationship waiting for him to change his behavior in a way he has never indicated he intends to. There is so much you would change about him if you could, from your question. It also sounds like he'd like you to change in a bunch of ways. Have you ever actually asked eachother to make those changes? Or do you think you can grumpily will eachother into those behaving differently or even being different people?
If I were you, I would sit down and write a bunch of my feelings about this. I'd work hard to figure out, cleanly and clearly, what the version of this relationship is that I would want to fight for. Then I'd list out all of the things I think need to change. Then, I would look at that and see if it seemed realistic, if I felt like asking for those changes to come to pass were worth the effort and the potential pain of hearing "no" and moving on. If I decided I could see a relationship worth saving, and had a list of things I thought could be done to get there, I would ask him to do the same, and indicate I was open to doing them.
If you are just waiting for him to divine what you want out of the relationship and do it, that's not going to happen. It's not a referendum on your worth - it's just not going to happen - it doesn't have anything to do with you. And if he's doing the same thing, well, maybe you two can talk honestly about that, if it's worth it to both of you, and see if there's a way forward.
From the way you are freezing one another out, I think you have more in common than you think. You get to decide if that's a good thing worth building on. None of us know.
If this sounds harsh, I'm really sorry, it's not my intention. Your description of the good times makes it clear that when things are working, when you are clicking, it is beautiful. Only you know whether or not those good times are possible to recapture again. You can't just want it. It's going to take a lot of work on both of your parts. Can you do it? Can he?
posted by pazazygeek at 7:46 AM on January 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
Oh dear. You are still waiting and hoping he'll give you what you think you want... but I really wish you could step back and see that this is a not a man who is committed to you. Being in a relationship with someone ambivalent, someone who is only half-in but also won't end it, can be emotionally exhausting. The way you take control of the narrative isn't to think about what you'll say to him. There's nothing to be said to him anymore. Talking is connecting. You are attached, and you need to sever the attachment. The way you take control is you decide that this relationship is over. You decide. You don't need to talk to him.
What I'd love for you, a woman I don't know on the internet, to do is to send him back any of his stuff that you have and block his phone number and never talk to him again. Love doesn't mean ghosting your girlfriend of two years. This is totally unacceptable behavior, and the only way for you and him to know that is to decide for yourself that this relationship is over now.
There are lots men to have great sex, men who will want to integrate their lives with you more fully, who will tell you that they love you. Time to close this door so you can open others.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:46 AM on January 23, 2020 [34 favorites]
What I'd love for you, a woman I don't know on the internet, to do is to send him back any of his stuff that you have and block his phone number and never talk to him again. Love doesn't mean ghosting your girlfriend of two years. This is totally unacceptable behavior, and the only way for you and him to know that is to decide for yourself that this relationship is over now.
There are lots men to have great sex, men who will want to integrate their lives with you more fully, who will tell you that they love you. Time to close this door so you can open others.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:46 AM on January 23, 2020 [34 favorites]
When he does contact me, what should I say?
Are you sure he's going to contact you? He sounds like someone who's going to wait for you to crawl back so he'll have the upper hand. Assuming that there isn't anything of yours that he has, despite this being a relationship of two years, I would say 100% don't contact him, and let him ghost. Picture him waiting 8 months down the road, sure that you're going to call him up begging to be taken back any minute now.
Perhaps box up any stuff he's got at your place and mail/ship it to him, no note/explanation needed.
You say that you'd like him to realize what he's missing and to fully and openly commit to you. If he did claim this, could you really trust that to be real, and not a temporary tactic? What happens 1 month later when he's back to how he was; will you break up with him, or waste more of your time waiting to get back to the brief honeymoon/make up period?
On the off chance that he does contact you a few more weeks down the line? "Oh... Robert? It's been X weeks of you ghosting me, I'd come to accept that was the end. I've realized that this feels appropriate given how our relationship went. Knowing that it's over, is there anything you actually need, or can we pretend this call didn't happen?"
posted by nobeagle at 7:51 AM on January 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
Are you sure he's going to contact you? He sounds like someone who's going to wait for you to crawl back so he'll have the upper hand. Assuming that there isn't anything of yours that he has, despite this being a relationship of two years, I would say 100% don't contact him, and let him ghost. Picture him waiting 8 months down the road, sure that you're going to call him up begging to be taken back any minute now.
Perhaps box up any stuff he's got at your place and mail/ship it to him, no note/explanation needed.
You say that you'd like him to realize what he's missing and to fully and openly commit to you. If he did claim this, could you really trust that to be real, and not a temporary tactic? What happens 1 month later when he's back to how he was; will you break up with him, or waste more of your time waiting to get back to the brief honeymoon/make up period?
On the off chance that he does contact you a few more weeks down the line? "Oh... Robert? It's been X weeks of you ghosting me, I'd come to accept that was the end. I've realized that this feels appropriate given how our relationship went. Knowing that it's over, is there anything you actually need, or can we pretend this call didn't happen?"
posted by nobeagle at 7:51 AM on January 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
He sounds insufferable. Take "control" by blocking him completely so he can't contact you at all. There's nothing to say to someone who respects you so little.
Take stock of your values. If your material possessions and career success are important to you, make sure your next partner 1) shares your views 2) doesn't feel emasculated by your success (unless of course you think he's acting like this because you were rubbing your money in his face, of shaming him for being poor or whatever). It's not clear whether this guy wasn't simply playing the role of class warrior out of jealousy that you're more accomplished than he is.
posted by shaademaan at 8:09 AM on January 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
Take stock of your values. If your material possessions and career success are important to you, make sure your next partner 1) shares your views 2) doesn't feel emasculated by your success (unless of course you think he's acting like this because you were rubbing your money in his face, of shaming him for being poor or whatever). It's not clear whether this guy wasn't simply playing the role of class warrior out of jealousy that you're more accomplished than he is.
posted by shaademaan at 8:09 AM on January 23, 2020 [6 favorites]
Why do you think he will contact you? Two weeks doesn't mean mad, it means done.
Why do you think him loving you is a matter of "realizing" it, or that not saying he loves you means he's simply not volunteering it rather than not feeling it? People who are always getting angry at you and never say that they love you don't love you.
Why, when you have nothing good to say about him, and your memories of feeling affection are totally abstract and decoupled from what he is like, do you want him to fall in love with you instead of to go away?
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:11 AM on January 23, 2020 [13 favorites]
Why do you think him loving you is a matter of "realizing" it, or that not saying he loves you means he's simply not volunteering it rather than not feeling it? People who are always getting angry at you and never say that they love you don't love you.
Why, when you have nothing good to say about him, and your memories of feeling affection are totally abstract and decoupled from what he is like, do you want him to fall in love with you instead of to go away?
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:11 AM on January 23, 2020 [13 favorites]
The way he’s treated you is cruel and unacceptable. This is a guy who knows enough to support social justice movements, but he can’t even show you the smallest, most baseline level of kindness.
If he contacts you again, say “This time apart has given me space to realize that our relationship has run its course and I’m ready to move on. I want to find someone who treats me with love and I hope you find someone you want to treat with love. Have a great life!”
posted by sallybrown at 8:14 AM on January 23, 2020 [10 favorites]
If he contacts you again, say “This time apart has given me space to realize that our relationship has run its course and I’m ready to move on. I want to find someone who treats me with love and I hope you find someone you want to treat with love. Have a great life!”
posted by sallybrown at 8:14 AM on January 23, 2020 [10 favorites]
You don't take control of anything. Just let it go and move on. You could send a "best wishes for your happiness" text but I think that is more about hoping something rekindles and the best move is to not reopen communication at this point. If you need to, you can write on paper a letter to him saying the things you want to say, and then do NOT send it, but tear into pieces or burn as a ritual part of letting the relationship go.
Maybe also consider the ridiculousness of saying the state needs to impose austerity measures so people will live responsibly while living in a million dollar house and driving a fancy sports car. That's up to you.
posted by jeoc at 8:44 AM on January 23, 2020 [9 favorites]
Maybe also consider the ridiculousness of saying the state needs to impose austerity measures so people will live responsibly while living in a million dollar house and driving a fancy sports car. That's up to you.
posted by jeoc at 8:44 AM on January 23, 2020 [9 favorites]
it seems obvious I should move on. You have made this decision. It's the right decision. Judging by his behavior, he has, too. If he has stuff at your house, put it in a box and keep by the back door for when he is available to come pick it up. If you have stuff at his house, text him, ask him to put it in a box, explain that you can pick it up at A, B, or C times, and will bring his stuff at the same time.
I'll make one observation: the comparison of net worth doesn't sound healthy, some of his attempts to claim superiority may be a response to your attitude about his financial worth equating personal worth.
Go forth and find a happier relationship.
posted by theora55 at 8:46 AM on January 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
I'll make one observation: the comparison of net worth doesn't sound healthy, some of his attempts to claim superiority may be a response to your attitude about his financial worth equating personal worth.
Go forth and find a happier relationship.
posted by theora55 at 8:46 AM on January 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
Pack up his stuff, send it to him with a note saying. Thanks the sex was good but now it's over. Then move on. Block him. Take a few months off of dating to figure out what exactly you want in a partner and what you learned from all this, you know get to know yourself before dating again.
He's either trying to chicken out of actually being the bad guy by going radio silent, or he's being a dick & trying a power move to get you crawling back. Either way it's not worth it.
Good luck.
posted by wwax at 9:11 AM on January 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
He's either trying to chicken out of actually being the bad guy by going radio silent, or he's being a dick & trying a power move to get you crawling back. Either way it's not worth it.
Good luck.
posted by wwax at 9:11 AM on January 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
He asked if I had plans and that he'd like to see me at some point. I said I had no plans and agreed to meet. Then the whole weekend passed and he hadn't gotten back to me. Late on Sunday he wrote to say he'd fallen asleep as we were texting.
So when I heard back from him on Sunday, I was kind of indifferent.
Wait a second. Did you respond back to him? If not, there's nothing more to say. You're both indifferent. If he hasn't contacted you by now, he's not going to, because the ball's in his court to set up these plans because he initiated them. He doesn't want to set this up. It's clear that he's ghosted you.
So I'm wondering why you think it's WHEN he contacts you? I'll say that IF he contacts you (like in a month or 2), just ignore it. There's nothing to say. You can take it one step further and just block, so you don't have to deal with a message that may come in.
In the unlikely scenario that he does contact you and you haven't blocked and you want to say something, say this: "I'm not interested in being in contact with you anymore. Take care." That sends the message that you were already done before he contacted you (IF he does), and that he wasted his time by contacting you. Don't re-engage; he's emotionally unavailable and has to know that these are the consequences of just ghosting you - you don't care.
Ultimately, you can decide that you're done and act accordingly. In this case, you don't have to have a final conversation "for closure" or whatnot; he's spoken volumes by not being in touch since that Sunday. He's done, you're done. What is there more to do, other than move on, and block?
posted by foxjacket at 9:14 AM on January 23, 2020
So when I heard back from him on Sunday, I was kind of indifferent.
Wait a second. Did you respond back to him? If not, there's nothing more to say. You're both indifferent. If he hasn't contacted you by now, he's not going to, because the ball's in his court to set up these plans because he initiated them. He doesn't want to set this up. It's clear that he's ghosted you.
So I'm wondering why you think it's WHEN he contacts you? I'll say that IF he contacts you (like in a month or 2), just ignore it. There's nothing to say. You can take it one step further and just block, so you don't have to deal with a message that may come in.
In the unlikely scenario that he does contact you and you haven't blocked and you want to say something, say this: "I'm not interested in being in contact with you anymore. Take care." That sends the message that you were already done before he contacted you (IF he does), and that he wasted his time by contacting you. Don't re-engage; he's emotionally unavailable and has to know that these are the consequences of just ghosting you - you don't care.
Ultimately, you can decide that you're done and act accordingly. In this case, you don't have to have a final conversation "for closure" or whatnot; he's spoken volumes by not being in touch since that Sunday. He's done, you're done. What is there more to do, other than move on, and block?
posted by foxjacket at 9:14 AM on January 23, 2020
You want a man who doesn't like or connect with your children to "commit to you fully"?
No. Pick yourself up off the doormat.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:15 AM on January 23, 2020 [26 favorites]
No. Pick yourself up off the doormat.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:15 AM on January 23, 2020 [26 favorites]
It seems your attachment styles are so different in the way that this will just continue to hurt even if you make up again this time. I dont see any merit in driving a relationship into the ground before breaking up. Might as well do so when you realize you simply dont have the juice for the drama/other. Sounds like you could get everything he has to offer (we're talking the positive here) and more from a different relationship.
Also, if he can't drum up any interest in your kids I think that's a massive bummer.
posted by speakeasy at 11:19 AM on January 23, 2020
Also, if he can't drum up any interest in your kids I think that's a massive bummer.
posted by speakeasy at 11:19 AM on January 23, 2020
Even if he had a personality transplant to enable him to say he loves you, he wants nothing to do with your kids, and refuses to even visit your home because they’re there and you’re still wanting him to come back and say he loves you?!
What future could you two possibly have and why would you want him in your life anyway? Your poor kids. It sounds like you put up with a man who despises you and your family ...what, because the sex was good?! That’s a pretty low bar. You’ve got the ideal outcome here except he beat you first to kicking the relationship to the curb. Block and move on.
posted by Jubey at 1:09 PM on January 23, 2020
What future could you two possibly have and why would you want him in your life anyway? Your poor kids. It sounds like you put up with a man who despises you and your family ...what, because the sex was good?! That’s a pretty low bar. You’ve got the ideal outcome here except he beat you first to kicking the relationship to the curb. Block and move on.
posted by Jubey at 1:09 PM on January 23, 2020
Imagine your kids saying, "Oh goodie; you're back with the guy who is openly hostile to us...THANKS. We'll remember this in the future when we begin dating--we will definitely pick the ambivalent, non-committal person who thinks cruelty is a positive social skill and thanks for the lessons about how unimportant we are. "
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:20 PM on January 23, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:20 PM on January 23, 2020 [9 favorites]
And there is never any drama from him because he doesn't care.
dude. he doesn't care and he also doesn't cause drama by your personal definition (though what would you call taking out annoyance on you when he's upset about other things if not drama?) -- but your linking of the two attributes is all fucked up. Don't measure how much a man cares by how dramatic he is. The reason he doesn't bring your kind of drama is not because he doesn't care.
As a side note, people who are too passive or passive-aggressive or exhausted to have full-on honest fights will frequently push off the real cause of their anger onto some external cause that can't speak up. such as: I wasn't mad because you cried over a small argument and I felt forced to apologize because your emotions take priority; I was just mad about work stuff so I took it out on you. Therefore my anger was misdirected (not your fault I expressed it at you) from its legitimate cause (not my fault I was angry in the first place.) Triangulation where the third point of the triangle isn't real.
also taking care to stay out of your home / not bond with your kids-and-mother when he has no interest in joining your extended family is a sign of maturity. perhaps his only one, but a good one.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:40 PM on January 23, 2020
dude. he doesn't care and he also doesn't cause drama by your personal definition (though what would you call taking out annoyance on you when he's upset about other things if not drama?) -- but your linking of the two attributes is all fucked up. Don't measure how much a man cares by how dramatic he is. The reason he doesn't bring your kind of drama is not because he doesn't care.
As a side note, people who are too passive or passive-aggressive or exhausted to have full-on honest fights will frequently push off the real cause of their anger onto some external cause that can't speak up. such as: I wasn't mad because you cried over a small argument and I felt forced to apologize because your emotions take priority; I was just mad about work stuff so I took it out on you. Therefore my anger was misdirected (not your fault I expressed it at you) from its legitimate cause (not my fault I was angry in the first place.) Triangulation where the third point of the triangle isn't real.
also taking care to stay out of your home / not bond with your kids-and-mother when he has no interest in joining your extended family is a sign of maturity. perhaps his only one, but a good one.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:40 PM on January 23, 2020
Followup from the anon OP:
Text him now, "Philbert, it's time to make it official that we're broken up. Best of luck to you."posted by LobsterMitten at 9:07 PM on January 23, 2020 [20 favorites]
Done. Thank you.
Why are you prolonging this? You know it's over - its been over for awhile. Send a text, wish him well, and move on. Life is too short.
posted by summerstorm at 10:59 AM on January 24, 2020
posted by summerstorm at 10:59 AM on January 24, 2020
Also, just so you know and as you've experienced: The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
posted by summerstorm at 11:05 AM on January 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by summerstorm at 11:05 AM on January 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
Text him now, "Philbert, it's time to make it official that we're broken up. Best of luck to you."
Done. Thank you.
In my imagination, you actually texted him this exact line, including "Philbert." Cheers!
posted by bluedaisy at 2:24 PM on January 24, 2020 [7 favorites]
Done. Thank you.
In my imagination, you actually texted him this exact line, including "Philbert." Cheers!
posted by bluedaisy at 2:24 PM on January 24, 2020 [7 favorites]
I move to call every unnamed douchebag in an Ask "Philbert/a" from now on.
(good on you, OP.)
posted by MiraK at 9:07 PM on January 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
(good on you, OP.)
posted by MiraK at 9:07 PM on January 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by fingersandtoes at 7:41 AM on January 23, 2020 [93 favorites]