Am I being fair in my thinking about an emotional affair

January 21, 2020 12:02 AM

My wife has recently had an emotional affair. The other man was married, but his wife recently threw him out. My wife's reaction was extreme, and she has become obsessed with working out if he returned her feelings, after he sent a text saying he wanted to be friends. I asked her what her reaction would be if he did feel the same way, and she couldn't answer. Help?

My wife and I have always been happy, and have been married 10 years. She has been at home looking after our children full time, and has found it frustrating. She has looked a little for work but not found anything.

During the last 6 months of last year I became incredibly busy and stressed at work, and she was finding the children particularly difficult. During this time she grew much closer to this man, who she met through day groups she went to.

Some time before christmas I asked her about this relationship, and she told me she had feelings for him, but that they were under control. We had a very hard christmas, due to a number of different things, and made a commitment to do better in the new year.

Last week, she discovered he was thrown out of his home. She had a very strong reaction to this, and has developed strong anxiety over the prospect of even seeing him. She asked the man's wife why they broke up, convinced that it was her fault, but was told it wasn't. A few days ago, he messaged to say that he had always intended them to be friends, and did not have feeling for her.

This did not make things better. Instead, on saturday night she spent the entire evening trying to work out whether he was lying or not. I tried to be supportive, but at a certain point snapped and had a meltdown, insisting that I couldn't be the one to help her with this. She called a councillor the next day and seemed better, but that evening she had a panic attack, and started talking about the same thing.

Towards the end of this, I asked her why it mattered what he felt, and if he came to the door and professed his love, what would she do. Her reaction was to say that she would feel awful, and that it isn't sensible.

Sorry for so many details, but getting down into it:

She insists she loves me, but her stated reasons for denying her feelings for this man don't seem to be connected to that.Instead she mentions how bad she would feel, how it would be a crazy choice.

I feel like she should be choosing me because I'm the one she wants, not because it would make her life more complicated to do something else. I don't want to be second best. I can't help but see all this anxiety as being fear of her own emotions, and the strength of them, and I don't know what do with that.

I should mention that I am going to speak to a therapist tonight, and we are looking for couples counselling to, although currently struggling to find someone who can do the hours we need.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

To answer a narrow version of your question: it's not fair for her to expect emotional support from you on this issue of exactly how the guy felt or feels about her. She should look elsewhere for that.

But, you should bear in mind that your experience of your marriage over the last ten years may not be well aligned with her experience.

When you find a couple counsellor, you need to be willing to look at that whole longer-term picture & not obsess over who did exactly what during the past couple of months. I'm somewhat on the fence about whether an "emotional affair" is necessarily a fatal blow to anyone's marriage, but they don't come out of nowhere.
posted by rd45 at 1:23 AM on January 21, 2020 [27 favorites]

I agree she can’t really expect emotional support from you regarding her feelings for someone else. That being said, being at home with young children, especially if they are very hard work- can drive a person really crazy and mess with their sense of self and make it easy to look outside and not see your spouse from a loving place. I think neither of you should make any decisions until you let the dust settle and do some work (therapy, couples therapy, being kind to each other) it is very possible that when the kids are around 4 and up that this will dramatically change and you will find yourselves feeling a little lighter within yourselves and hopefully proud you got through it. Can you go on a vacation that has a kids club and tasty food? Having a break from the drudgery and a little excitement can do great things for how a 24/7 homemaker feels. Sometimes a change is as good as a rest.
posted by catspajammies at 3:38 AM on January 21, 2020 [10 favorites]

There’s a lot to untangle here. You said you’ve been happy for 10 years and then said your wife was finding being home with kids stressful and not getting a job stresssful, that you had 6 disconnected months while she found the kids even more stressful, and that Christmas was not good.

So it sounds like at least the last year and probably more hasn’t been that great. That doesn’t mean the apocalypse is coming but it’s time to think about your marriage and your beloved’s wellbeing being at stake, and behaving accordingly. If you knew that a year down the road this would have been your last opportunity to deeply reconnect with your wife and your family, what would you want to have done? I would start with seeing if these counselling hours you can’t find time for can be found - tell your work it’s an emergency, pay for a nanny to watch the kids.

Your wife’s behaviour is indeed irrational and hurtful, even harmful. I totally get that you want to feel valued and loved, and you both deserve that. Her obsession is pretty inappropriate. She does have her own work to do. It may not work out. But right now, this is your flag that your marriage is in jeopardy and it’s time to fight for it. I’ve been on both sides of this (although my husband more got lost in gaming) and it takes both partners turning to that mysterious third entity, the relationship, to repair it.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:54 AM on January 21, 2020 [27 favorites]

Pretty much every marriage gets into a really tough spot eventually. Sounds like the two of you found it.

My advice to you: the feelings that she had about the other guy, really aren't about the other guy. The feelings that she was having are an indicator of the things she's sorely missing, relationally. She imagined that she had a taste of it in that interaction. What commonly drives that are those light, delightful romantic feelings--feeling like someone liked her, cared about what she thought, found her appealing or desirable, feeling sexy--that can be really hard to find in a long term relationship where the two of you are struggling to manage all the burdens of adulthood as a team. There is history, there are hurts and resentment, there are the unbeautiful truths of intimacy.

Undoubtedly you have those as well--you're hurt about feeling second best, about her wanting to stay in the marriage for practical reasons rather than love. Don't you miss feeling liked, cared about, desirable, sexy?

In that, you two probably have a lot in common.

I think in the best case, partners find the resources to listen to each other compassionately. To each care about the other person's sadness, loneliness, hurt, even though you have your own as well. To acknowledge your own sadness, loneliness, and hurt, without attacking your partner about it. To acknowledge that all those tough things are true, and to respond with tenderness. I think this is how couples grow through these stuck parts. The trick is that it requires both people to do it, and you can't make your partner do it. The best thing you can do is to do your best to adhere to that, and to ask it of your spouse.

Best of luck.
posted by Sublimity at 5:49 AM on January 21, 2020 [33 favorites]

Commitment means sticking with your partner even when it's incredibly difficult to do that, and even when cheating seems a lot more exciting. It sounds like your wife has decided to do that, and wants your help. That's a GOOD sign. It's totally fair for you to put limits on how much support you can give her, and it's totally fair for you to be grumpy about the whole thing. But recognize that she's acting the way a loving, committed partner acts in the face of temptation -- telling you honestly that there's a problem, going for counseling when you asked her to, joining you in looking for a couples counselor. Look at those as positive things.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:07 AM on January 21, 2020 [21 favorites]

Ugh. I am so sorry for both of you - this is really hard. It sounds like this is a crush that she knows is crazy, but has got out of hand. It happens to the best of us; it feels dreadful when you are in it. And of course it will be super confusing and upsetting for you.

A book you both might want to read is "Love and Limerence" by Dorothy Tennov. It will help you understand what this crazy-crush-obsession feeling is.
posted by EllaEm at 6:11 AM on January 21, 2020 [2 favorites]

It’s good that you’re both open and talking about it. I also agree that it’s not your problem to solve.

It’s understandable that some may be overcome by fantasy or attention from others when in the midst of stress and taking care of young children. Especially if they are in a habit of seeking validation from outside sources and not content.

If I were your wife and had my wits about me I would take a big pause. Emotions happen but we don’t have to act on them. Stop communication with the emotional affair guy and focus on my “real life” (hobbies, friends, husband, kids) and do some inner work. Time and calm is what’s needed. And as others have mentioned it’s important to prioritize your marriage separately and together.

From what you wrote it seems like your wife is longing and clinging to a fantasy. It’s thrilling and it’s exciting and her needing to know if the guy really liked her more than a friend is all about her ego. It’s not about him and it’s not about love.

She had a fantasy/story where the guy wants her. She discovers in reality he doesn’t. (Or maybe he did a little for fun and fantasy but since his wife threw him out things got real and he realizes he wants his wife and not the day group woman). That’s why she’s a wreck. That’s why she’s talking about it instead of working out her emotions on her own. She’s looking for reassurance. She can’t handle that she has been rejected because she had this story where she was desired and being desired made her feel good about herself. Her ego has been crushed and she doesn’t know how to handle it or see that she hasn’t been crushed at all.

As an aside it sounds a bit tawdry that your wife asked the other wife if she threw out her husband because of her. No judgement on your wife. These things happen when we are not content and searching for happiness in things outside ourselves. My advice would be to learn from this experience and be aware that drama is not the way. Pause. Calm. Work out your stuff. And never get tangled up with married people. It’s in poor taste and damaging.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:27 AM on January 21, 2020 [5 favorites]

I think a lot of moms are way less happy than they seem, because a lot of dads leave them to do all the hard thankless work of running a household. Of course I don’t know you so I don’t know if this is true, but statistically, it’s likely true to some degree.

When therapy starts, your wife’s experience of the marriage (before the other guy) is an important question to address.

Emotional affairs often happen because the person feels their needs are unmet in their marriage, and if yours is salvageable, unpacking and addressing the root causes will be an important step.

Also, it’s really unfair of your wife to expect you to help her deconstruct her affair, so good on you for expressing a boundary there. Some of her behaviour sounds a little manic tbh so that may also be worth investigating.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:47 AM on January 21, 2020 [6 favorites]

It's always been my belief that attraction to someone outside my marriage is a warning sign that it's time to put more effort into my connection to my husband.
If he was putting his energy into someone else, I would feel betrayed. Trusting again would be unlikely.
Your wife has a lot to do to make up for her betrayal, and you must decide if you want to forgive her, and what you want to do if it happens again. If she can't recommit to you 💯, then you have no foundation.
I recommend you read Chumplady.com and maybe send your letter to her. She has a way of getting to the core of the problem.
posted by Enid Lareg at 6:57 AM on January 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

From your description, I'm getting the sense that your wife's crush on this other man is possibly a symptom of something that's fairly seriously amiss with her emotional well-being and/or life situation rather than being the root of the problem itself. I mean... she's exhibiting obsessive behaviours and had a panic attack.

When you go to the therapist, make sure you provide them with those details. A trained professional may be able to suggest possible causes for such behaviour.
posted by orange swan at 11:31 AM on January 21, 2020 [9 favorites]

he messaged to say that he had always intended them to be friends, and did not have feeling for her.

This is not, then, an emotional affair. An affair is a two-player game. this is a one-sided emotional crush, coupled with a rich and florid fantasy life.

that has nothing to do with how insulting or painful it is to you, since your wife's side of it is what matters to you anyway. but to treat it as an affair is to puff it up with imagination the same way she has.

you, too, are given to flights of imagination, as has been pointed out; "we" were happy, but actually she has been unhappy, and this has been going on for however many years you've had children. So you understand the impulse to build an unsatisfying home life up into a whole fantasy happy couple, in your case, or fantasy happy love affair, in hers. This is something the two of you have in common. having such a fundamental thing in common is something to build on, and something you might use to develop more understanding of each other.

I do not think that any amount of having your miseries ignored by your husband excuses the deliberate choice to throw your crushes on new men in his (your) face. either she thinks the marriage is so solid that nothing she can do or say will have any effect on the structure that holds her prisoner, which is despair, or she thinks it will have an effect on the marriage, and she wants that effect. either one ought to be discussed, probably in some therapeutic setting.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:47 PM on January 21, 2020 [13 favorites]

> This is not, then, an emotional affair. An affair is a two-player game. this is a one-sided emotional crush, coupled with a rich and florid fantasy life.

Just because the person didn't have or return romantic feelings and told her so, doesn't mean it wasn't an emotional affair. You can have an emotional affair with just a friend, who sees you as a friend, and who you also see as a friend. Ask me how I know.

An emotional affair is when a person invests their emotional energy outside of their primary committed relationship, and receives emotional support and companionship from this new relationship in lieu of their primary relationship. Sometimes it involves reciprocal crushes, but you can only like someone as a friend, and still feed into their emotional needs and cross boundaries you shouldn't with them. The male friend could totally be doing this. There's nothing OP said that indicates that the friend isn't returning the emotional energy from OPs wife, even if he only sees her as a friend. We don't know how deep their emotional connection is, because we don't have enough info.

OP, you say says the past six months have been rough for both of you. Well, she's not the only one who has had stress and sadness ignored-- even if the six months was the trigger-- the onus is on the unhappy party to bring up what's bothering them and work it out together. Being sad is not a carte blanche to throw yourself into a friendship/crush that crosses boundaries, regardless of the fact your emotional needs are being unmet. It's understandable to me, for her partner to assume they are having a happy life, if the only symptom of it being unhappy is this very sudden lapse. I don't think this makes OP clueless to the needs of their wife.

Anyway I agree with Orange Swan-- there is something seriously else at play here. As for why she did it.... well. You can argue that her needs were being unmet, and I suppose that's valid. But the real reason is simple: It felt good. See, we all have that lizard brain part of ourselves that will pursue things that 'feel good' at the expense of other things. Eating a piece of cake, playing a game, watching a show...flirting with a coworker even. When these things become obsessive of we keep picking these choices that make us feel good at the expense of ourselves or others, something is wrong. Most people can pump the breaks on these things before they get out of hand. Some people pull the brakes out and jump in the car anyway. This is where your wife is at, it seems. To throw yourself into someone else is a serious form of escapism, and when you let it start ruling your life like she has, it's definitely a symptom of something amiss- it might be triggered be the stress of the past six months, but it might be the thrill of something shiny and new and different too.

The thing is, you're not second best, if you were she would have left. Part of her recognizes that.

"I feel like she should be choosing me because I'm the one she wants, not because it would make her life more complicated to do something else."

And that's valid that you feel that way. Feeling second best is awful. (Again ask me how I know). But see, being in love is a choice. Choosing you at all, even if it's 'less complicated' is still love. People's hearts go pitter-patter for people other than their SO's because biology and shiny and new and the unknown. It's just a fact of life-- it doesn't mean you're second best, it means that she had a visceral attraction to someone attractive, or to a situation that made her feel good. This happens to all of us, every day. Because being in a 10+ year relationship doesn't mean you feel love 100% of the time for your SO, all the time. It's not sustainable; it waxes and wanes. The important thing is that you feel love more than you don't, and that when times are bad, or feel bad and everyone is sad and stressed, you don't make a knee-jerk reaction to that feeling of 'meh'. Pushing through the moments of 'meh' in a relationship, working hard to find love again, is the most important thing. Staying at all, is a good first step. Even if sometimes the feelings aren't as strong as other times. Just because this happened, doesn't mean you can't find your way back to a better version of yourselves, where you both feel like number one again.

I'm reminded of an amazing quote I read on here:

"... there is no magic person that makes everything perfect and dreamy, there is only quiet partnered love and a willingness to be good to each other for 50 years at a stretch."


Actually that whole thread might help; In the meantime, therapy and counseling is good. Recognizing she will need these things is also a good first step. Good on you for being patient with her in a time where she couldn't do the same with you and your feelings. As long as she is willing to work her way back to you and deal with her emotions in a more healthy way, there's hope.

Hang in there.
posted by Dimes at 2:45 AM on January 22, 2020 [4 favorites]

Listen to this short story, it might provide the surprising guidance you need. It's one of the greatest love stories I've ever heard: I met him at the yogurt store.
posted by yearly at 5:31 AM on January 22, 2020 [1 favorite]

I can't think within a monogamous paradigm, so maybe am not helpful to you. But from my perspective, I see the problem as (a) your wife believing that it's wrong or cheating to have meaningful relationships outside of her marriage, and (b) you believing that if she has strong feelings for someone else, that means she doesn't care as much about you as she should. I see both of those as fallacies, and you both might have a better relationship if you shift your thinking on them as well.
posted by metasarah at 7:54 AM on January 23, 2020

For what it's worth, you two are ahead of the curve in that you're communicating about this as it unfolds rather than days, weeks, months after the fact. It's ok that these exchanges feel intense--you two feel intensely about one another, and I'd be more concerned if either of you were feeling passive or ambivalent about what's happening now. It's very, very good that you two are seeking counseling. As long as *you* come into counseling with honesty and integrity, you're doing exactly the best that you can. It's uncomfortable to realize what you can't control in relationships--which is, in essence, everything about your partner--but you can control your side of the equation and build up the resiliency skills you need to be able to handle your emotions at the same time that you face the issues in the moment head-on. There is so, so much nuance in relationships that I encourage you to handle yourself and your wife like delicate, precious, fragile eggs that you take care of for the duration of your relationship. Make it your goal not to crack either of you as you find yourself on a bumpy stretch of road. As you approach a smoother path, you'll find you've learned skills to better accommodate the next rocky road that you'll encounter.

To the most recent comment above mine, though, whatever your mutual agreements are, there's no fallacy in desiring and seeking monogamy. It's only a fallacy if one or both parties have values that are misaligned.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:37 PM on January 24, 2020