What are the social milestones with a new pregnancy?
January 6, 2020 9:21 AM Subscribe
Folks who've gone through the whole pregnancy shindig, could you please share when you told your parents, friends, work, everyone else? How do baby showers and registries work?
Help #pregnancyfilter! Newly pregnant with our first, around 9w. I've read through the articles and questions on building a better baby bump and the timing around the medical sides of pregnancy (fetal size, symptoms to expect etc) but I am completely lost about the social niceties and expectations around babies and announcements and events?
I know itll all depend on social and cultural norms and expectations and will change on location etc but all anecdotes would be greatly appreciated!!
Help #pregnancyfilter! Newly pregnant with our first, around 9w. I've read through the articles and questions on building a better baby bump and the timing around the medical sides of pregnancy (fetal size, symptoms to expect etc) but I am completely lost about the social niceties and expectations around babies and announcements and events?
I know itll all depend on social and cultural norms and expectations and will change on location etc but all anecdotes would be greatly appreciated!!
I would start by rejecting "expectations" that other people might have for you -- if people give you crap for telling them too early/late that's their own BS. You get to decide.
My experience is US-based (New England, specifically). I identify as Caucasian, non-Hispanic.
I thought I'd want to tell everyone right away (there's a lot of talk about waiting until ~12 weeks because then you're passed the highest risk point for miscarriage, but I figured "Well, even if that happens to me I'll want support, so why not tell people as soon as I know??"). Then I got pregnant after many months of trying and I was so stressed/on edge that I didn't want to talk to anyone except my spouse about it. So ended up telling friends at about 12-13 weeks anyway.
Family we told slightly earlier, I think at 10 weeks when we'd gotten good results back from our early genetic screening.
Work is a whole different ballgame and will depend on whether you expect any negative repercussions in your workplace and how much coworkers tend to share about their personal lives. Anecdotally, I told my immediate team at about 12 weeks and tried to keep the pregnancy hidden from (certain) others until....oh, about 30 weeks. This was possible due to working on different floors, strategically staying seated in meetings, and wearing flowy tops.
posted by Bebo at 9:31 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
My experience is US-based (New England, specifically). I identify as Caucasian, non-Hispanic.
I thought I'd want to tell everyone right away (there's a lot of talk about waiting until ~12 weeks because then you're passed the highest risk point for miscarriage, but I figured "Well, even if that happens to me I'll want support, so why not tell people as soon as I know??"). Then I got pregnant after many months of trying and I was so stressed/on edge that I didn't want to talk to anyone except my spouse about it. So ended up telling friends at about 12-13 weeks anyway.
Family we told slightly earlier, I think at 10 weeks when we'd gotten good results back from our early genetic screening.
Work is a whole different ballgame and will depend on whether you expect any negative repercussions in your workplace and how much coworkers tend to share about their personal lives. Anecdotally, I told my immediate team at about 12 weeks and tried to keep the pregnancy hidden from (certain) others until....oh, about 30 weeks. This was possible due to working on different floors, strategically staying seated in meetings, and wearing flowy tops.
posted by Bebo at 9:31 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Told best friends and sister immediately because best friends and sister.
Tried to wait 12 weeks to tell other family. At large family gathering, family member noticed I wasn't drinking wine and loudly said "You aren't drinking? Are you pregnant?!" So... family told at < one month.
At work, I didn't say anything but looked immediately swollen from the nose down. Secretary loudly asked "Are you pregnant?"
So, whatever you decide and plan, be prepared to get busted earlier.
Then again, this was in NYC where people are... forthright. I don't think this would have happened where I live now, in the midwest :).
posted by nantucket at 9:31 AM on January 6, 2020 [4 favorites]
Tried to wait 12 weeks to tell other family. At large family gathering, family member noticed I wasn't drinking wine and loudly said "You aren't drinking? Are you pregnant?!" So... family told at < one month.
At work, I didn't say anything but looked immediately swollen from the nose down. Secretary loudly asked "Are you pregnant?"
So, whatever you decide and plan, be prepared to get busted earlier.
Then again, this was in NYC where people are... forthright. I don't think this would have happened where I live now, in the midwest :).
posted by nantucket at 9:31 AM on January 6, 2020 [4 favorites]
keep in mind my babies are 20 and 24 and i am in a rural traditional area.
We waited until about 10 weeks, after first doctors visit to tell family. I told my work shortly after and everyone else we let know organically. I am past baby having time, but now people my kids ages post pictures of their sonograms, gender reveals, every.single. thing on social media.
Shower conventions are much like wedding shower conventions here: don't throw your own, don't ask someone to throw one for you. Again, with social media i see things like, if you want an invite to my shower let me know. IF you are asking for etiquette this is a nightmare, if you are asking the court of public opinion in general, it is probably divided into old farts like me and the younger social media generation. Showers generally happen much later in your pregancy - like 8 months or so.
Back in the day after the baby was born, we sent out formal annoucements. Like a graduation announcement.
posted by domino at 9:32 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
We waited until about 10 weeks, after first doctors visit to tell family. I told my work shortly after and everyone else we let know organically. I am past baby having time, but now people my kids ages post pictures of their sonograms, gender reveals, every.single. thing on social media.
Shower conventions are much like wedding shower conventions here: don't throw your own, don't ask someone to throw one for you. Again, with social media i see things like, if you want an invite to my shower let me know. IF you are asking for etiquette this is a nightmare, if you are asking the court of public opinion in general, it is probably divided into old farts like me and the younger social media generation. Showers generally happen much later in your pregancy - like 8 months or so.
Back in the day after the baby was born, we sent out formal annoucements. Like a graduation announcement.
posted by domino at 9:32 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
It is traditional to wait until a pregnancy is well established before telling people, primarily so that you don’t have to tell them if there is a miscarriage. Getting past the first trimester is the usual gate. Usually you tell family and close friends first. I think people tell their employers later than that, depending on their relationship with their boss, the kind of work they do and accommodations (if any) needed.
There's also a good case to be made for waiting to widely share until after initial ultrasounds and testing in case something is wrong. It is HARD to keep something so big to yourself, but it is better not to have everyone in your business until you know that everything is ok.
Showers are thrown for you by other people, traditionally not by family members but I think that bit of etiquette may be going by the wayside in some social circles. You can register for items you would like people to give you at your shower (s). I think it is common for professional women to have a friend or family shower and a shower at work, at least in the places I have worked. People will get you stuff that is not on your registry - which can be great and helpful as you may not realize you need or want it.
posted by jeoc at 9:38 AM on January 6, 2020
There's also a good case to be made for waiting to widely share until after initial ultrasounds and testing in case something is wrong. It is HARD to keep something so big to yourself, but it is better not to have everyone in your business until you know that everything is ok.
Showers are thrown for you by other people, traditionally not by family members but I think that bit of etiquette may be going by the wayside in some social circles. You can register for items you would like people to give you at your shower (s). I think it is common for professional women to have a friend or family shower and a shower at work, at least in the places I have worked. People will get you stuff that is not on your registry - which can be great and helpful as you may not realize you need or want it.
posted by jeoc at 9:38 AM on January 6, 2020
I will agree with others that your best laid plans about when to share may get destroyed. I was throwing up in the work bathroom one of only two times I threw up during my pregnancy and came out face to face with my boss's boss. She asked if I was ok, I assured her I was fine, she took a long look at me, and exclaimed, “You’re pregnant!” She was a nurse, to be fair, but yeah, pretty busted.
posted by jeoc at 9:44 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by jeoc at 9:44 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Family and everyone at work knew I was doing IVF to try to get pregnant, knew when I had a miscarriage, and knew when I got pregnant again. I was glad I didn't have to make up excuses for why I kept having doctor's appointments or pretend everything was normal when the first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. The people I worked with most closely knew even before my positive test the second time around that I could be pregnant and was hopeful due to my symptoms. I never made any attempt to keep it a secret from anyone. I know that's not the most typical approach but it worked out fine for me and I never wished I had done differently.
posted by Redstart at 9:45 AM on January 6, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 9:45 AM on January 6, 2020 [4 favorites]
The most typical advice is to wait to tell until after 12 weeks due to risk of miscarriage. Showers are between months 6 - 8 (or 6 - 7 for multiple pregnancies) because the risk level is very low by then. If you are Jewish though it may be part of your tradition to have no shower.
Showers are not really a surprise these days and while you can't throw your own shower, you can 100% talk to a friend or relative about throwing a shower for you. This may be a good idea because every parent's consumerist trend falls on a different place in the spectrum. Some people have book showers, where guests bring a book for the baby or eventual toddler to build a library. Some people have 2nd hand only showers. Some people have showers where everything is welcome. My sister wanted only organic, bamboo items which, okay sure.
The shower should be pitched at YOUR comfort level, not that of the person who is hosting rather than having the baby.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:45 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Showers are not really a surprise these days and while you can't throw your own shower, you can 100% talk to a friend or relative about throwing a shower for you. This may be a good idea because every parent's consumerist trend falls on a different place in the spectrum. Some people have book showers, where guests bring a book for the baby or eventual toddler to build a library. Some people have 2nd hand only showers. Some people have showers where everything is welcome. My sister wanted only organic, bamboo items which, okay sure.
The shower should be pitched at YOUR comfort level, not that of the person who is hosting rather than having the baby.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:45 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Some moms don't post their about pregnancies on social media until the baby is born. Don't feel pressured to keep to a schedule or tell people you don't want to tell.
posted by momus_window at 9:52 AM on January 6, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 9:52 AM on January 6, 2020 [4 favorites]
Sorry, I forgot to add: for the registry, if you want one, you register at one or two places or on Amazon or whatever fits your ethics and the budget of your crowd. It is typically the person hosting the shower who distributes the link to your registry, usually in the invitation.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:54 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 9:54 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Depending on how much advance planning your work takes, I would formally tell people who are going to need to plan around your absence pretty much as soon as you're unambiguously showing (which depends -- four and a half months or so?). I had a coworker on a team where we were going to have to plan around her maternity leave, and there was an annoying three weeks of whispering behind her back once we all knew but couldn't tell her we knew before she told us because that would be rude. (And, I'm complaining about something that wasn't a major hardship for me, sure, we had plenty of time to plan and she did nothing wrong. But it does make sense to make it public knowledge manners-wise by the time it's undeniably public knowledge from looking at you.)
posted by LizardBreath at 10:08 AM on January 6, 2020
posted by LizardBreath at 10:08 AM on January 6, 2020
Congrats! What an exciting, if intense, time. Mom of a five-month old here with a few things to add to the thoughtful responses you've already gotten:
1. Many registries offer a "completion discount," where you can save up to 20% on items that remain on your registry after a certain date. We used Amazon's to save really substantial amounts on things we were planning to purchase ourselves, like the stroller and car seat. Definitely worth keeping in mind when choosing an online registry/ies.
2. Instead of a shower, we held an open house in my hometown about a month before my due date. It was more flexible: people could stop by over a longer window of time instead of coming at a set point, which let us handle the flow better in a small space. And it let us avoid some of the typical (though by no means required!) elements of showers, like cutesy games and an emphasis on opening gifts in front of guests.
3. "Showing" vs. "not showing" can be as much of a social milestone as telling people, I think, and one I wasn't fully prepared for. There were some really nice elements of this, like random people saying "Congrats!" as I passed them on the street, but sometimes I was in some totally other headspace and people started talking to me about the baby (most embarrassing example of this: I misheard a stranger at work asking "When are you do?" with "What do you do?" and launched into a long-winded explanation of my job). As others have mentioned, wardrobe can be your friend in dealing with this--at least for a while, you may have some control over whether you want or don't want people to know for sure.
4. Some later pregnancy milestones: viability around 26ish weeks felt like a big step for me, as did 32 weeks, which was when we could deliver at our intended hospital, which doesn't have a high-level NICU. My stress level went way down at these points.
Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and kiddo!
posted by dapati at 10:11 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
1. Many registries offer a "completion discount," where you can save up to 20% on items that remain on your registry after a certain date. We used Amazon's to save really substantial amounts on things we were planning to purchase ourselves, like the stroller and car seat. Definitely worth keeping in mind when choosing an online registry/ies.
2. Instead of a shower, we held an open house in my hometown about a month before my due date. It was more flexible: people could stop by over a longer window of time instead of coming at a set point, which let us handle the flow better in a small space. And it let us avoid some of the typical (though by no means required!) elements of showers, like cutesy games and an emphasis on opening gifts in front of guests.
3. "Showing" vs. "not showing" can be as much of a social milestone as telling people, I think, and one I wasn't fully prepared for. There were some really nice elements of this, like random people saying "Congrats!" as I passed them on the street, but sometimes I was in some totally other headspace and people started talking to me about the baby (most embarrassing example of this: I misheard a stranger at work asking "When are you do?" with "What do you do?" and launched into a long-winded explanation of my job). As others have mentioned, wardrobe can be your friend in dealing with this--at least for a while, you may have some control over whether you want or don't want people to know for sure.
4. Some later pregnancy milestones: viability around 26ish weeks felt like a big step for me, as did 32 weeks, which was when we could deliver at our intended hospital, which doesn't have a high-level NICU. My stress level went way down at these points.
Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and kiddo!
posted by dapati at 10:11 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
I've had 3 pregnancies. I recommend waiting as long as possible to tell your work just because once they know, it's alllll they talk about. Pregnancy is long.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:12 AM on January 6, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:12 AM on January 6, 2020 [5 favorites]
Best answer: These are flexible decisions and vary a lot.
I chose to wait as long as possible to tell people - I told two very close friends who are good with secrets and didn't tell anyone else until I was 24-26 weeks pregnant. This is *much* later than most people I know chose (usually around 12-14 weeks) but I had the luxury of doing so because it's my first baby and my body didn't change very much and my everyday fashion style was very accommodating. I felt very protective and worried about the pregnancy and didn't want to tell people and then have something awful happen later.
There were some pros and cons to this approach:
*CON: It became hard to hide once I started showing, so I spent a lot of time worrying about giving myself away. This started out like a fun game but started to feel like a psychological burden. I also spent money on clothes and accessories to make hiding easier which I could have skipped if I was more public.
*CON: Some people, especially family members, were very upset that they didn't know earlier. I don't care, it's not their decision, but I did have to hear about how upset they were.
*POTENTIAL CON: if something awful did happen, I think I would have had a much harder time getting social support than if my community already knew. This was a gamble I took.
*PRO: I didn't have to deal with the annoying parts of people knowing (incessant questions about my child's gender, weird expectations about my abilities, people touching me, etc) for quite a long time which was a relief. This applies doubly at work. It is absolutely true that once people know, it's all they'll talk about with you.
*PRO: I had all of my medical testing complete and felt very secure in the pregnancy when I finally disclosed.
*PRO: This is petty but I took a great pleasure in switching my wardrobe from baggy clothes to skin-tight clothes and watching people's astonishment when they realized I was pregnant and I could smugly confirm. This is probably only possible when you've been hiding a body that's already showing but I had great fun with it. That moment almost made up for the obnoxious comments that were sure to follow right after the look of astonishment.
Ultimately, the decision about when to tell people is yours, and depends on your feelings about the pregnancy and the people in your life. But as some people have noted, there are a lot of ways this decision can be taken from you, so best-laid-plans and all too.
posted by epanalepsis at 10:38 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
I chose to wait as long as possible to tell people - I told two very close friends who are good with secrets and didn't tell anyone else until I was 24-26 weeks pregnant. This is *much* later than most people I know chose (usually around 12-14 weeks) but I had the luxury of doing so because it's my first baby and my body didn't change very much and my everyday fashion style was very accommodating. I felt very protective and worried about the pregnancy and didn't want to tell people and then have something awful happen later.
There were some pros and cons to this approach:
*CON: It became hard to hide once I started showing, so I spent a lot of time worrying about giving myself away. This started out like a fun game but started to feel like a psychological burden. I also spent money on clothes and accessories to make hiding easier which I could have skipped if I was more public.
*CON: Some people, especially family members, were very upset that they didn't know earlier. I don't care, it's not their decision, but I did have to hear about how upset they were.
*POTENTIAL CON: if something awful did happen, I think I would have had a much harder time getting social support than if my community already knew. This was a gamble I took.
*PRO: I didn't have to deal with the annoying parts of people knowing (incessant questions about my child's gender, weird expectations about my abilities, people touching me, etc) for quite a long time which was a relief. This applies doubly at work. It is absolutely true that once people know, it's all they'll talk about with you.
*PRO: I had all of my medical testing complete and felt very secure in the pregnancy when I finally disclosed.
*PRO: This is petty but I took a great pleasure in switching my wardrobe from baggy clothes to skin-tight clothes and watching people's astonishment when they realized I was pregnant and I could smugly confirm. This is probably only possible when you've been hiding a body that's already showing but I had great fun with it. That moment almost made up for the obnoxious comments that were sure to follow right after the look of astonishment.
Ultimately, the decision about when to tell people is yours, and depends on your feelings about the pregnancy and the people in your life. But as some people have noted, there are a lot of ways this decision can be taken from you, so best-laid-plans and all too.
posted by epanalepsis at 10:38 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Shower: should be planned by someone other than you who is good at event planning and will do it the way you'd like, more or less. It's not traditional for you to plan your own and there's good reason for that - you will have many other things you need to deal with and planning a big party is not one of them.
Registry: you can put this together yourself. I used Amazon because of the generous return policy (365 days for things other people buy off the registry) and the completion discount (10%, 15% for Prime members), but Amazon is definitely evil so there are plenty of other options if you want something else. Then you give the link to whoever is putting out your shower invites and they distribute it.
Thank you cards. Don't forget you will need to send thank-you cards after the shower so make sure you get addresses. (Another nice thing about Amazon, they provide a thank you list, but your shower organizer can handle this too.)
Birth announcement. There are tons of ways you can do this, from a card to email to Facebook, I've seen them all. But it is nice to plan to tell people after the baby is born and include any relevant details and a nice photo.
posted by epanalepsis at 10:45 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Registry: you can put this together yourself. I used Amazon because of the generous return policy (365 days for things other people buy off the registry) and the completion discount (10%, 15% for Prime members), but Amazon is definitely evil so there are plenty of other options if you want something else. Then you give the link to whoever is putting out your shower invites and they distribute it.
Thank you cards. Don't forget you will need to send thank-you cards after the shower so make sure you get addresses. (Another nice thing about Amazon, they provide a thank you list, but your shower organizer can handle this too.)
Birth announcement. There are tons of ways you can do this, from a card to email to Facebook, I've seen them all. But it is nice to plan to tell people after the baby is born and include any relevant details and a nice photo.
posted by epanalepsis at 10:45 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
First time: a very weird pregnancy that I didn't discover until I was 18 weeks along. When confirmed a week later via ultrasound and we realized that we were REALLY far along, we told our families that night, our friends that weekend, and I told my work the following week. I never announced publicly on social media, and wound up hospitalized at 24 weeks with complications, so I didn't end up announcing it there until a month after our daughter was born and doing okay in the NICU.
Second time: waited until the heartbeat was confirmed by ultrasound around 7 weeks, and then told our real life friends and family. I knew I'd want their support in case of miscarriage, and was high risk due to the previous complications. Went public on social media around 13 weeks when the risk of miscarriage dropped - I was already showing at that point. I was no longer working so didn't have to make that kind of announcement.
As a manager, I've had direct reports let me know after 12 weeks as well as really early (so she could get out of a work trip to a Zika-plagued area later in the year; she miscarried two weeks later and I'm glad I knew so that I could be extra supportive). That totally depends on your boss.
Register at at least one local store for everything you might possibly need, even if you're not sure - so you can get the registry completion discount when it turns out you DO need a bottle warmer from Walmart in the middle of the night with a three-week-old. Also register someplace online. Register for really useful stuff: Nosefrida, butt cream, lots of diapers, cloth diapers (flats/prefolds, even if you don't intend to cloth diaper, as they are great burp rags), nipple cream, bottles. Don't register for any clothes, you'll still get a million. I had two showers while my daughter was in the NICU; one hosted by my husband's aunt and one by some friends. Reddit is a great pregnancy resource/forum.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:55 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Second time: waited until the heartbeat was confirmed by ultrasound around 7 weeks, and then told our real life friends and family. I knew I'd want their support in case of miscarriage, and was high risk due to the previous complications. Went public on social media around 13 weeks when the risk of miscarriage dropped - I was already showing at that point. I was no longer working so didn't have to make that kind of announcement.
As a manager, I've had direct reports let me know after 12 weeks as well as really early (so she could get out of a work trip to a Zika-plagued area later in the year; she miscarried two weeks later and I'm glad I knew so that I could be extra supportive). That totally depends on your boss.
Register at at least one local store for everything you might possibly need, even if you're not sure - so you can get the registry completion discount when it turns out you DO need a bottle warmer from Walmart in the middle of the night with a three-week-old. Also register someplace online. Register for really useful stuff: Nosefrida, butt cream, lots of diapers, cloth diapers (flats/prefolds, even if you don't intend to cloth diaper, as they are great burp rags), nipple cream, bottles. Don't register for any clothes, you'll still get a million. I had two showers while my daughter was in the NICU; one hosted by my husband's aunt and one by some friends. Reddit is a great pregnancy resource/forum.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:55 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Congratulations! Please feel free to memail me if you'd like to join the pregnancy/parenting Facebook group we started with folks from here. It's set to "secret" so you won't be outed to your network before you're ready. We talk about a lot of this kind of stuff in a really supportive, thoughtful way. Social niceties and norms around pregnancy and parenting, but also how and if we want to push back, ignore them, prioritize other things, deal with our families, etc.
posted by sestaaak at 11:22 AM on January 6, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by sestaaak at 11:22 AM on January 6, 2020 [9 favorites]
In my experience, the order in which you tell people matters more to them than when. This is dependent more on the personalities involved than anything else. For example, we told my mom sooner than we probably would have liked, because some of my wife's siblings found out early and we didn't think it was fair for them to know but not my mom. Likewise, you'll probably want to tell siblings before co-workers. 12 weeks is what we always heard as the rule, but you can't plan your life around this. Pretty much every comment so far mentions that someone found out before 12 weeks, whether it was intentional or not. If you're at nine weeks now, by the time you figure out the order, you'll be at 12 weeks anyway!
In general, there seems to be a trend toward more elaborate, social-media powered "reveals". Neither my wife nor I was interested in that, which is helpful for stress IMO. Far easier to just let things happen naturally.
posted by kevinbelt at 11:36 AM on January 6, 2020
In general, there seems to be a trend toward more elaborate, social-media powered "reveals". Neither my wife nor I was interested in that, which is helpful for stress IMO. Far easier to just let things happen naturally.
posted by kevinbelt at 11:36 AM on January 6, 2020
If you are going to tell your inner circle before the whole world, I would consider now if anyone in your family is, um, verbose and whether you would like to set expectations that you'd prefer other people not to announce on their social media or tell their whole church, grocery store, etc.
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:01 PM on January 6, 2020
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:01 PM on January 6, 2020
I told my parents, in-laws, and best friend right away. Everyone else I waited until after 12 weeks. I think the order was: director of graduate studies for my grad program (confirming that I could take a semester leave of absence but keep my office), boss and then quickly other coworkers, a handful of friends by phone or text or email, and then eventually Facebook for people I didn’t think would be hurt by not knowing directly from me.
posted by eirias at 12:09 PM on January 6, 2020
posted by eirias at 12:09 PM on January 6, 2020
Best answer: 8 weeks: First doctors appointment, usually first ultrasound. Confirmation of twins or singleton, confirmation of heartbeat. Risk of miscarriage goes down but still relatively high. Morning sickness peaks.
10-11 weeks: Prenatal blood testing for Down’s syndrome, gender, and trisomy 18 among other genetic defects. Results in 1-2 weeks which coincides with end of first trimester at 12-13 weeks. At this time you may also do blood testing on mom for carrier status, if positive then dad will be tested, this may add a week or two to results.
12-13 weeks: Risk of miscarriage goes down greatly. Nuchal fold ultrasound (checks for Down’s syndrome soft marker.)
18-20 weeks: Anatomy scan. This is the really big one. Full long ultrasound of all organs. Tells you gender. Tells you (usually) if any major defects exist. This is also when most first time moms feel the baby kick for the first time.
20-26 weeks: In most states, abortion becomes illegal. Planning the anatomy scan with time for additional testing and still meeting this cutoff can be stressful if anything goes wrong.
23-27 weeks: End of second trimester, most first time moms will begin showing in public at this time. You will get a small belly earlier but most people will just assume you are getting fatter (sorry but it’s true) until around now.
26 weeks: Viability. This was huge for me. Much less anxiety. Baby can live if early labor happens.
26-40 weeks: Third trimester. More frequent doctor’s appointments, it gets real, you definitely look pregnant. Monitoring blood pressure, diabetes, and overall activity is important. Aches and pains, range of motion not so good.
30-35 weeks: Peak baby shower time. You do not want to wait until 36 weeks because you may have baby early. Don’t want to do it much earlier because you will not look cutely plumply pregnant enough for the photos and people will think it’s weird/tacky to have it super early unless for good reasons.
posted by stockpuppet at 12:18 PM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
10-11 weeks: Prenatal blood testing for Down’s syndrome, gender, and trisomy 18 among other genetic defects. Results in 1-2 weeks which coincides with end of first trimester at 12-13 weeks. At this time you may also do blood testing on mom for carrier status, if positive then dad will be tested, this may add a week or two to results.
12-13 weeks: Risk of miscarriage goes down greatly. Nuchal fold ultrasound (checks for Down’s syndrome soft marker.)
18-20 weeks: Anatomy scan. This is the really big one. Full long ultrasound of all organs. Tells you gender. Tells you (usually) if any major defects exist. This is also when most first time moms feel the baby kick for the first time.
20-26 weeks: In most states, abortion becomes illegal. Planning the anatomy scan with time for additional testing and still meeting this cutoff can be stressful if anything goes wrong.
23-27 weeks: End of second trimester, most first time moms will begin showing in public at this time. You will get a small belly earlier but most people will just assume you are getting fatter (sorry but it’s true) until around now.
26 weeks: Viability. This was huge for me. Much less anxiety. Baby can live if early labor happens.
26-40 weeks: Third trimester. More frequent doctor’s appointments, it gets real, you definitely look pregnant. Monitoring blood pressure, diabetes, and overall activity is important. Aches and pains, range of motion not so good.
30-35 weeks: Peak baby shower time. You do not want to wait until 36 weeks because you may have baby early. Don’t want to do it much earlier because you will not look cutely plumply pregnant enough for the photos and people will think it’s weird/tacky to have it super early unless for good reasons.
posted by stockpuppet at 12:18 PM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Parents and (some) immediate family we did tell right away; my mom was Super Excited and wanted to share the news with her sisters; I wish we had been a little more sensitive about sharing, because I did not know my cousin was struggling with infertility at the time, and I think my mom kind of ambushed her with a pregnancy announcement when she was not braced for one. I still cringe thinking about it. So my advice would be to be aware if someone might be having infertility issues and adjust your approach if needed.
We did public (Facebook) announcements to our friend groups at around 14 weeks for the first kid; 12 weeks for the second because with subsequent kids your body shows you are pregnant pretty much immediately.
I want to echo holding off telling coworkers if possible; hard agree that it will become all everyone talks about and I started to get people asking "had that baby yet??" in month seven so it got REALLY old, really fast. I did tell my boss sooner because I was having significant nausea and was spending most of the day looking pale green while slowly eating lemon drops. She was able to get me some accommodations like working from home, so I'm glad I did that.
For "baby is here!" announcements it helps to be crystal clear with grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. that photos of the baby are Not to be Shared Online until you do the initial public announcement, if that's important to you. My freaking UNCLE posted a photo (received from my parents) of our baby to Facebook with his full name and everything about two hours before we had a chance to get online, I'm still a little annoyed. Baby 2 we warned our parents not to share photos with extended family until our social media posts were up.
posted by castlebravo at 12:31 PM on January 6, 2020
We did public (Facebook) announcements to our friend groups at around 14 weeks for the first kid; 12 weeks for the second because with subsequent kids your body shows you are pregnant pretty much immediately.
I want to echo holding off telling coworkers if possible; hard agree that it will become all everyone talks about and I started to get people asking "had that baby yet??" in month seven so it got REALLY old, really fast. I did tell my boss sooner because I was having significant nausea and was spending most of the day looking pale green while slowly eating lemon drops. She was able to get me some accommodations like working from home, so I'm glad I did that.
For "baby is here!" announcements it helps to be crystal clear with grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. that photos of the baby are Not to be Shared Online until you do the initial public announcement, if that's important to you. My freaking UNCLE posted a photo (received from my parents) of our baby to Facebook with his full name and everything about two hours before we had a chance to get online, I'm still a little annoyed. Baby 2 we warned our parents not to share photos with extended family until our social media posts were up.
posted by castlebravo at 12:31 PM on January 6, 2020
You've got tons of answers here so I'll be brief, but:
-We told immediate family at 10 weeks, because we had heard the baby's heartbeat the day before and we were excited and it was Thanksgiving so we knew we'd see everyone. YMMV. I told my employer just before the Christmas holidays (about a month later) and our Christmas cards had the announcements on them, so that would have been 14 weeks-ish. I think we told a few close friends earlier. Then we posted our Christmas cards to facebook around New Year's, so that's when All The People knew. We didn't do any testing or anything like that, just the heartbeat at 10 weeks and a visit where all was deemed well just before we told people.
-The closing-the-registry discount is awesome, and we put a bunch of big-ticket items we planned to buy for ourselves on the registry the day of the shower. To me, that kind of ensured that nobody would think we were gift-grabby or try to buy us something we felt uncomfortable getting as a gift but also let us get the discount on the bigger stuff.
-Register for stuff that you may need farther out than just newborn, or stuff that it would be nice to not have to get yourself when you're getting the hang of things. My sister really encouraged me to register for feeding supplies (like bowls, spoons, sippy cups) and baby swim stuff/swim diapers, and I got it, and it was lovely when the baby was 6 months old and I was tired to just open the closet and pull it out.
-Regardless of when you tell people and how much you want to share publicly, have a partner or friend take some pictures of you while pregnant and mark how far along you are. I have like 3 pictures of me while pregnant, which kind of stinks, but my daughter (who is now 7) loves to look at them and talk about herself being in my belly.
Congratulations!
posted by cheese at 1:32 PM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
-We told immediate family at 10 weeks, because we had heard the baby's heartbeat the day before and we were excited and it was Thanksgiving so we knew we'd see everyone. YMMV. I told my employer just before the Christmas holidays (about a month later) and our Christmas cards had the announcements on them, so that would have been 14 weeks-ish. I think we told a few close friends earlier. Then we posted our Christmas cards to facebook around New Year's, so that's when All The People knew. We didn't do any testing or anything like that, just the heartbeat at 10 weeks and a visit where all was deemed well just before we told people.
-The closing-the-registry discount is awesome, and we put a bunch of big-ticket items we planned to buy for ourselves on the registry the day of the shower. To me, that kind of ensured that nobody would think we were gift-grabby or try to buy us something we felt uncomfortable getting as a gift but also let us get the discount on the bigger stuff.
-Register for stuff that you may need farther out than just newborn, or stuff that it would be nice to not have to get yourself when you're getting the hang of things. My sister really encouraged me to register for feeding supplies (like bowls, spoons, sippy cups) and baby swim stuff/swim diapers, and I got it, and it was lovely when the baby was 6 months old and I was tired to just open the closet and pull it out.
-Regardless of when you tell people and how much you want to share publicly, have a partner or friend take some pictures of you while pregnant and mark how far along you are. I have like 3 pictures of me while pregnant, which kind of stinks, but my daughter (who is now 7) loves to look at them and talk about herself being in my belly.
Congratulations!
posted by cheese at 1:32 PM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Congratulations!
Parents and siblings: within 2 weeks of positive tests
Work: Immediately after positive test - I’m a vet and work with anaesthetics/drugs so everyone in the practice needed to know
Social media/friends: 17 weeks
I didn’t have a baby shower but my family threw me a small surprise one. No registry either. It’s seen as a little tacky where I am (UK) but not unheard of.
Possibly already said but don’t worry too much about buying lots of clothes - you will get given a LOT. My mum friends and I all had so many clothes—especially 0-3. So many that my son didn’t even wear some and many were only worn once.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 2:40 PM on January 6, 2020
Parents and siblings: within 2 weeks of positive tests
Work: Immediately after positive test - I’m a vet and work with anaesthetics/drugs so everyone in the practice needed to know
Social media/friends: 17 weeks
I didn’t have a baby shower but my family threw me a small surprise one. No registry either. It’s seen as a little tacky where I am (UK) but not unheard of.
Possibly already said but don’t worry too much about buying lots of clothes - you will get given a LOT. My mum friends and I all had so many clothes—especially 0-3. So many that my son didn’t even wear some and many were only worn once.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 2:40 PM on January 6, 2020
Response by poster: Thank you everyone!! I've marked a few answers as best answers as they've given me several things to think about more carefully but all the answers have been great and very insightful so far!
posted by vespertinism at 3:24 PM on January 6, 2020
posted by vespertinism at 3:24 PM on January 6, 2020
Weeee congratulations!
I'm at 14 weeks and have just navigated this so here's what's worked for us.
I guess the big rule of thumb is that the more people know, the more likely someone will spill the beans. There are people I wanted to tell in person, like our immediate families, and others who I wanted to tell but logistics made it difficult for in person telling.
So we told my family first, then his- two different cities for Christmas celebrations. Didn't tell my extended family until we had told his immediate family, which was tough because they were there in person, but as we hadn't told his family, kept it back. Facetimed my grandmother, told my extended family with an ultrasound pic on email. (told our friend the sonographer by booking an appointment with her :) )
Now it's more widely known- as I said above the more people who know the more likely it is to come out.
Grandma was a notorious bean spiller (seems to have improved!) So we timed when we told her carefully, while also recognising the assumption of my aunts that if they knew she would know. It felt like a bit of a race to tell some people before they found out!
No social media yet, will probably wait on that one.
Exceptions: I told a friend/mentor at work when I was at about 8 weeks in case I needed the support with morning sickness, and just knowing she knew helped! I also told my boss on the last day of term so he could think ahead for the next year as I will need replacing ! (Teacher at a rural school) I will tell my colleagues when I go back to school after the summer break.
I did find hiding the pregnancy tougher further along as I have started a belly already so the summer break was welcome. People have pregnancy radars and start to suspect! Especially with other body changes such as the breasts.
Love the phrase 'others find out organically', above, very much agree.
In summary, tell who you want to tell in person first, be aware of bean spillers.
posted by freethefeet at 4:16 PM on January 6, 2020
I'm at 14 weeks and have just navigated this so here's what's worked for us.
I guess the big rule of thumb is that the more people know, the more likely someone will spill the beans. There are people I wanted to tell in person, like our immediate families, and others who I wanted to tell but logistics made it difficult for in person telling.
So we told my family first, then his- two different cities for Christmas celebrations. Didn't tell my extended family until we had told his immediate family, which was tough because they were there in person, but as we hadn't told his family, kept it back. Facetimed my grandmother, told my extended family with an ultrasound pic on email. (told our friend the sonographer by booking an appointment with her :) )
Now it's more widely known- as I said above the more people who know the more likely it is to come out.
Grandma was a notorious bean spiller (seems to have improved!) So we timed when we told her carefully, while also recognising the assumption of my aunts that if they knew she would know. It felt like a bit of a race to tell some people before they found out!
No social media yet, will probably wait on that one.
Exceptions: I told a friend/mentor at work when I was at about 8 weeks in case I needed the support with morning sickness, and just knowing she knew helped! I also told my boss on the last day of term so he could think ahead for the next year as I will need replacing ! (Teacher at a rural school) I will tell my colleagues when I go back to school after the summer break.
I did find hiding the pregnancy tougher further along as I have started a belly already so the summer break was welcome. People have pregnancy radars and start to suspect! Especially with other body changes such as the breasts.
Love the phrase 'others find out organically', above, very much agree.
In summary, tell who you want to tell in person first, be aware of bean spillers.
posted by freethefeet at 4:16 PM on January 6, 2020
You're in Canada, right? The norms around mat leave being up to 18 months and the need to fill your absence through contract hiring or a secondment make it kind of a good idea to let work know as close to that 12 week milestone as possible.
Most people I know who've been pregnant recently told their managers and immediate team fairly early in their second trimester, even if they weren't unambiguously showing yet. Having your team prepared for you to leave can come in handy if, for instance, something goes really ridiculously wrong with hiring your mat leave replacement or you end up on bed rest and lose a month of your transition time. The colleague who didn't tell their manager or team until they were ~30 weeks (they were barely showing) really burned a lot of their goodwill at work.
posted by blerghamot at 6:41 PM on January 6, 2020
Most people I know who've been pregnant recently told their managers and immediate team fairly early in their second trimester, even if they weren't unambiguously showing yet. Having your team prepared for you to leave can come in handy if, for instance, something goes really ridiculously wrong with hiring your mat leave replacement or you end up on bed rest and lose a month of your transition time. The colleague who didn't tell their manager or team until they were ~30 weeks (they were barely showing) really burned a lot of their goodwill at work.
posted by blerghamot at 6:41 PM on January 6, 2020
I'm in the USA. I waited as long as possible to tell people. I told:
My parents (who live nearby): 9 weeks. I might have waited longer but it coincided with a special occasion.
My in-laws (who live far away): 16 weeks, when they were visiting
Other family members: 20 weeks
My boss and direct reports: also around 20 weeks
Close friends: after 20 weeks
Baby shower: 36 weeks
Friends I don't see often: after the baby was born
Social media: after the baby was born
posted by beyond_pink at 6:35 AM on January 7, 2020
My parents (who live nearby): 9 weeks. I might have waited longer but it coincided with a special occasion.
My in-laws (who live far away): 16 weeks, when they were visiting
Other family members: 20 weeks
My boss and direct reports: also around 20 weeks
Close friends: after 20 weeks
Baby shower: 36 weeks
Friends I don't see often: after the baby was born
Social media: after the baby was born
posted by beyond_pink at 6:35 AM on January 7, 2020
« Older How should I handle this mishandle? | How can I "hack" my way to some large exercise... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Personally I told my parents and close friends immediately after the positive test, as I figured I would want their support if something did go wrong. I told my boss after the 12 week testing was over. I then gradually told people at work, other friends whenever I had an opportunity. Once I was actually showing (which took a while for me) I told folks on Facebook via a general announcement.
But tell people whenever you're comfortable! It's your news to share or not as you see fit.
posted by peacheater at 9:29 AM on January 6, 2020 [4 favorites]