Here's a subject not addressed in parenting books

January 5, 2020 2:16 AM

Parents of teen boys, how do you deal with their, um, *used* tissues?

I have a 16.5yo son. He masturbates. Which is is totally fine and cool and wonderful, only when he's done he has some dirty tissues that he's not dealing with, and I'm not sure what to do about that, if anything.

Over the summer, he knew that the furniture in his room was going to be rearranged when he was out of town, and when I moved his bed I found an enormous wad of dirtied tissues, which was gross and also hilarious. I threw them all away. I have no idea if he ever even logicked out the idea that I would have found them while he was away, but I never brought up the subject when he returned.

Now he's away again and he knew that a guest would be sleeping in his room during this period. When I was putting fresh sheets on for the guest...yep, another trove. I feel like I need to say something basic to him, like, "Please throw away your dirty tissues" but I also don't want to embarrass him. I also don't want to be afraid to talk about this.

I know for a fact that I have said "masturbation is fine and everyone does it" at various earlier points as he grew up, and as he got toward this age (and had his first girlfriend) I made sure he had condoms, and we have spoken frankly about sex-related issues like relationships and good partnership and sex and STDs and the like a number of times. (We have subscribed to the parenting belief that you talk about sex the same way you talk about other bodily and psychological issues when you're kid is growing up, so you have many small talks appropriate at various age levels, rather than one Big Talk.)

But it's true that at this point I think he's mature enough that it may now be too embarrassing to have mom talk to him about this? Dad is here in the household and available, though I'd say that son and I are a bit closer emotionally.

Would appreciate the hive's thoughts about how to handle this.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

This is absolutely be-direct territory. He needs to be mindful of the work he leaves for others in this regard (as in all other parts of his life), and he’s clearly not thinking this through and doing the math about the magical disappearing tissues on his own.

So, if there is any situation at all in the future where you’re going to be rearranging stuff in his room and he’s expected to tidy up and clear out and you’re letting him know that, be explicit: “Hey, the last two times I did this I found a ton of used tissues by your bed. It’s pretty gross for a guest to be put in a position to deal with that, and I didn’t like it much, either. When you clean up your room, you need to include that as part of the deal. Thanks.” The end. If he’s dying of embarrassment you don’t even need to wait for a response.

Honestly, if they were tissues he’d sneezed into it would be the same level of gross. No big deal. Make sure he has a wastebasket and liners for his room if he doesn’t already.
posted by charmedimsure at 2:40 AM on January 5, 2020 [58 favorites]

Tell him to throw them away! Yeah it'll be embarrassing but he shouldn't be leaving all the tissues there. I say this as a former teenage boy and parent of future teenage boys. If possible next time you're cleaning, do it while he's home so you can call him in, point at the mess, and say "that's gross, clean it up" then leave him to it, the same as you would with any other mess he'd left somewhere. If you tidy it every time without saying anything he won't change his behavior.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:57 AM on January 5, 2020 [12 favorites]

So one of the chores in my house growing up was collecting all the trash from the various small bins throughout the house and dumping it into the big can to be taken out to the curb on trash day. It used to be my job, because the little cans were lightweight and it was just once a week - I'm almost five years younger than my older brother. But when he turned 15, my parents "rearranged" our chores and suddenly my older brother's job was to do small trash collection. I realized the reason for this years later and was grossed out and laughed a lot.

So, I think one straightforward conversation should do the trick, but also you could give him responsibilities that clearly enable him to handle his own messes on a regular basis. Now would also be a fantastic time for him to do his own laundry if he doesn't already. And make sure he's got a little trashcan within easy reach of his bed.
posted by Mizu at 3:15 AM on January 5, 2020 [10 favorites]

The embarrassing part of this should be the mess, not the masturbation. It doesn't even matter what's in those tissues, he needs to clean them up. So talk about the mess, and leave the masturbation out of it. It should be absolutely fine to say "Please throw away your dirty tissues".
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:19 AM on January 5, 2020 [27 favorites]

OMG! This happened to me when I was 15. I don't know why I didn't throw them away instead of stashing them like anonymous' son. I came home from school one day and my Grandfather was walking down the stairs carrying a waste basket with you know what in it. He said "take your own trash out". It was never mentioned again. So just a direct, no nonsense, non judgemental statement to the boy should work nicely. It did for me.
posted by james33 at 3:59 AM on January 5, 2020 [29 favorites]

This has nothing to do with masturbation, and everything to do with cleanliness. You don't have to say anything about what he used them for - if he had a cold or an allergy attack and did it, leaving used tissues behind the bed would still be gross and something he shouldn't be doing. I would honestly pretend (in your mind) that this came from any of those options (masturbation, head cold, allergies) and just tell him that this is the second time you've moved the bed and found a pile of used tissues. And that you can get him an extra trash can that lives beside the bed if he can't be bothered to get out of bed to throw them out, but he can't leave them there.

Then again if he was still home I would just call him over and tell him to clean them up himself -- and if not, I would probably take a picture of them and text it to him and say Are these yours? Do you want me to send them to you or should we throw them away? Because I do think that some level of shame about personal cleanliness is more likely to have a lasting effect than lecturing.
posted by Mchelly at 5:22 AM on January 5, 2020 [5 favorites]

I would be direct ("please throw away your used tissues") while also providing him with a trashcan WITH A LINER for his bedroom. He can easily close the little trash bag and throw it in the communal garbage can with minimal embarrassment, if that's a potential issue for him.
posted by lydhre at 5:37 AM on January 5, 2020 [12 favorites]

Yep, nothing to do with masturbation. May have to do with being semi-asleep flat on his back at the time the tissues are produced. Can confirm that similar stashes of tissue may be found wedged down beside someone's bed after a nasty snotty cold in the head.

If boy gets some prompts for his house cleaning - such as before garbage day or at any other time he can be reminded that he needs to clean up. Use garbage day as your opportunity to mention this. "Can you bring down all the trash you can find from upstairs? ...and don't forget the tissues behind your bed."

A daily bedtime masturbation habit is a great way to fall asleep, but worth noting that for guys it can lead to an ever tighter grip, and that can later in life can lead it difficulty climaxing, especially while wearing a condom. His Dad might want to mention that developing a light touch will stand him in good stead and his future partners will appreciate him more because of it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:59 AM on January 5, 2020 [2 favorites]

put a trash can directly next to his bed and hope he takes the hint.

if that doesn't work, next time you find a bunch of dirty tissues, pretend to be dumb but overly concerned mom "oh honey, i found a bunch of used tissues by your bed, i didn't realize you had such a bad cold! do you want me to make you some soup? or tea with honey? you seem to be getting a lot of these colds lately, should i make you an appointment with an ENT to see if there's an underlying sinus issue?" like really, really, really overdo it. i don't know if that will work either but it will be hilarious for you and his dad to see how long you can play dumb/concerned about his frequent "colds" for.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:49 AM on January 5, 2020 [1 favorite]

Another vote for "be direct". Buy a trashcan with a liner and a lid if he doesn't have one already. Tell him that used tissues must go in the trashcan. End of conversation.

His Dad might want to mention that developing a light touch...

Noooooo!!! This is not the time for tips from dad about jack-off technique. This is exclusively about putting waste in a trashcan as a matter of being considerate and hygienic.
posted by slagheap at 7:57 AM on January 5, 2020 [32 favorites]

I mean, I told my 17 year old daughter she needed to take her bedroom trash out more often if she was going to throw used condoms away in there, because her room was starting to smell like she was growing Bradford pears in there. She said “okay” and it’s perhaps the only housekeeping task I’ve ever asked only once about and then never had it be a problem again.
posted by padraigin at 8:42 AM on January 5, 2020 [11 favorites]

Please do his future partners a huge service by not being the magical fairy that just cleans things up quietly such that he might feign ignorance as an adult about how a shared living space is maintained. “Son, twice I’ve tossed some very well-used tissues. There’s a trashcan. Use it. Regularly. That’s gross.”
posted by amanda at 10:14 AM on January 5, 2020 [21 favorites]

Does he have a trash can in his room? Buy him a small trash can. “Hey I’ve found a lot of dirty tissues next to your bed the past few times I’ve cleaned. Here’s a trash can for the tissues. It’s your responsibility to empty this when it’s close to full. No more tissues piling up, okay?”
posted by bluedaisy at 10:20 AM on January 5, 2020 [1 favorite]

Having been a dumbfuck teenager boy who liked to masturbate, had vague embarrassment about the whole thing, had teenager-level capacity for deluded self-centered denial about the obviousness of things, and who wasn't great about cleaning up after myself in general: you just gotta say, hey, you're leaving a lot of used tissues around and you need to throw them in the trash instead because that's not anybody else's responsibility.

Whatever phrasing makes sense there, but just put a fine, non-dramatic point on it. This isn't an intricate puzzle box to work out, it's a simple and blunt and momentarily embarrassing shattering of a bit of teenage denial and bullheadedness. The less hinting and working around the problem the better for everybody.
posted by cortex at 10:39 AM on January 5, 2020 [18 favorites]

"Hey, tissues tend to clog the vacuum cleaner," while handing him a small trash bin (right-sized bag already half on, stack of bags at bottom of bin). (Buy these bags in bulk.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:56 AM on January 5, 2020 [2 favorites]

Give him a trash can. Tell him "You live in a society; nobody else wants to touch your snotty tissues. Trash day is X." and let him think you don't know and then steep in his own dawning horror.

It sounds like it might be time to put several half-hour blocks on the schedule every week for learning how to clean up after himself, clean his living spaces, and contribute to a communal environment and be a good roommate, coworker, partner etc. I was one of those kids who just la-la-la'd around like the underpants fairy was doing my laundry etc, while my mom assumed I was just kind of a spoiled asshole who, nonetheless, had actually absorbed all pertinent information about life upkeep and would deploy it once I departed the family home, and that is extremely not what happened. (My parents also wouldn't show me how to do anything more than once but also got mad at me when I didn't know how or did it "wrong" because they had 30 years of experience and I had 30 seconds, so really: be the helping hand here.)
posted by Lyn Never at 12:12 PM on January 5, 2020 [12 favorites]

Just tell him pointedly to throw out his used tissues and make sure he has a small trashcan in his room.

It's not shaming him for masturbation. You don't need to connect this to a talk about healthy sexuality. You don't need to make excuses or offer reasons for why he can't just shove tissues behind the bed. He just needs to take responsibility for discarding his gross tissues.
posted by desuetude at 1:37 PM on January 5, 2020 [5 favorites]

Son/Dude, please clean up any used tissues in your room. That's the grown-up thing to do. Otherwise we may have to have to conversation again, and I'd rather not.
posted by theora55 at 3:03 PM on January 5, 2020 [1 favorite]

You could use a bit of subterfuge if you want to avoid being too direct, leave a garbage can in his room with this note attached:

"here's a garbage pail to put your used tissues in, stop making me clean up your snot, it's gross"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 7:29 PM on January 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

Gotta agree with Lyn Never, this is a good time to check in and consider whether you’ve raised a child past the age of sixteen lacking some super basic life skills and get on fixing that if it’s the case. Step one is: here’s a trash can, trash bags are wherever, take out the trash from your own room. No need to discuss what the trash contains. But there is no regular housekeeping chore a non disabled kid that age can’t do and that means he should be taking his turns.
posted by praemunire at 10:13 PM on January 5, 2020 [7 favorites]

I'm with Cortex here (and similar answers). Make some non-dramatic address-the-actual-issue-type of requests. No mock-naïve references to snot, if I were you.
posted by Namlit at 1:36 PM on January 6, 2020 [4 favorites]