Getting to "go" and expressing emotion
December 18, 2019 11:34 AM Subscribe
Did you ever feel like you had a hard time expressing emotion in relationships or dating despite your internal feelings of excitement? Do you feel like this can get in the way of development of chemistry?
I'm coming off of a few dates with someone who I was really excited about, cautiously, but also so excited that I felt anxious and hadn't felt like I could really unwind with yet. We had such a good connection on an intellectual level and I felt like we really understood each other kind of intuitively and felt very compatible in many ways, but at the same time I didn't really feel a "spark" quite yet, and even though we tried making out a few times it didn't really feel quite natural. I find him objectively attractive, but I don't know. I guess I thought it might be nerves or just something that might take a while to develop but evidently he was feeling the same way - great compatibility on so many levels but no spark, and told me as much when ending things after 3 dates.
I guess I'm putting this in the context of my previous relationship as well in which I was told by my boyfriend that he never knew what I was feeling and I didn't express enough affection. Although I really do dispute that I didn't show affection to him (we were very lovey dovey, physical, sent kissy emojis etc. once we were more established but he seemed to expect something more that maybe I couldn't give him because I never did 100% get to "go" with my emotions towards him), I do feel like I tend to always be a bit stiff and let the other person take the lead and it takes me a while to unwind. Apparently in his opinion, I didn't even do this to a satisfactory level in the end after months of dating. This goes back to feelings of rejection in the past and I guess wanting to feel safe before I can really relax, and also having been very overweight when I was younger and kind of having adopted a general attitude that no one would ever be into me and would in fact be horrified if I showed romantic affection.
I guess my question here is, should I work on being more demonstrative or something? Could it be my shyness or lack of confidence that contributed to the lack of chemistry in this recent dating situation? It just feels like whenever I meet someone I'm really into it never goes anywhere. Does anyone else have stories to share of having worked on being more demonstrative and seeing that they had chemistry with more people? I just feel so upset that this most recent one didn't work out. While I felt kind of similarly to what he said he felt when he broke it off, I wanted to keep seeing him to see if it developed further. It just felt like we had so much in common and we really understood one another, in a way I haven't felt in a while with someone I dated.
I'm coming off of a few dates with someone who I was really excited about, cautiously, but also so excited that I felt anxious and hadn't felt like I could really unwind with yet. We had such a good connection on an intellectual level and I felt like we really understood each other kind of intuitively and felt very compatible in many ways, but at the same time I didn't really feel a "spark" quite yet, and even though we tried making out a few times it didn't really feel quite natural. I find him objectively attractive, but I don't know. I guess I thought it might be nerves or just something that might take a while to develop but evidently he was feeling the same way - great compatibility on so many levels but no spark, and told me as much when ending things after 3 dates.
I guess I'm putting this in the context of my previous relationship as well in which I was told by my boyfriend that he never knew what I was feeling and I didn't express enough affection. Although I really do dispute that I didn't show affection to him (we were very lovey dovey, physical, sent kissy emojis etc. once we were more established but he seemed to expect something more that maybe I couldn't give him because I never did 100% get to "go" with my emotions towards him), I do feel like I tend to always be a bit stiff and let the other person take the lead and it takes me a while to unwind. Apparently in his opinion, I didn't even do this to a satisfactory level in the end after months of dating. This goes back to feelings of rejection in the past and I guess wanting to feel safe before I can really relax, and also having been very overweight when I was younger and kind of having adopted a general attitude that no one would ever be into me and would in fact be horrified if I showed romantic affection.
I guess my question here is, should I work on being more demonstrative or something? Could it be my shyness or lack of confidence that contributed to the lack of chemistry in this recent dating situation? It just feels like whenever I meet someone I'm really into it never goes anywhere. Does anyone else have stories to share of having worked on being more demonstrative and seeing that they had chemistry with more people? I just feel so upset that this most recent one didn't work out. While I felt kind of similarly to what he said he felt when he broke it off, I wanted to keep seeing him to see if it developed further. It just felt like we had so much in common and we really understood one another, in a way I haven't felt in a while with someone I dated.
sometimes the “spark” gets going when you go with it...
like: you just get tipsy and start making out and kind of tear clothes off. i suspect this guy was needing you to act HOT FOR HIM so that they he felt confident enough to feel hot and and sparky for you. When that didn’t manifest for him then he put you in friend category. It’s probably that way for a lot of men. Maybe practice a few flirty looks in the mirror just for fun but keep being yourself and the right guy who is slow moving like yourself will come along and it will work out.
posted by catspajammies at 1:48 PM on December 18, 2019
like: you just get tipsy and start making out and kind of tear clothes off. i suspect this guy was needing you to act HOT FOR HIM so that they he felt confident enough to feel hot and and sparky for you. When that didn’t manifest for him then he put you in friend category. It’s probably that way for a lot of men. Maybe practice a few flirty looks in the mirror just for fun but keep being yourself and the right guy who is slow moving like yourself will come along and it will work out.
posted by catspajammies at 1:48 PM on December 18, 2019
Well, it sounds like you both weren't really feeling it, and that's okay! It's not your job to make a spark. Having said that... I too have heard from a few dates that they had a hard time reading my interest (and this was with men I was quite interested in). Some things you can do: hold eye contact, touch an arm or shoulder, compliment them. I don't mean to play games, but these words and gestures can be ways to indicate interest. I know it feels risky... but if you like them, there's also a risk if you don't communicate that, you know?
posted by bluedaisy at 3:15 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 3:15 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
It can be very difficult to be with someone who is always expecting you to be affectionate, but showing your emotions is not the same as affection. Being able to be emotionally supportive is a two way street, because sometimes emotion can be very self serving. It's not uncommon for woman and men to wish for more affection.
The man who required affection constantly was a deal breaker. He wanted someone who may not actually exist. You should be relatively upfront about trust by establishing boundaries early that you can use to test his trust. Some are explicit and required but others can be fun, like looking each other in the eye when you cheer a drink, or tell him a story about a place you treasure and then take them their on a date and see him in your comfort zone, like your favourite place to rock out at 3pm on a Thursday. Get table service and tell the waiter to bring him the wrong order and watch his reaction.
You may not need to even announce your test. You can just tick your boxes and then make a choice about how you want to proceed: f/m/k.
Remember, emotional connection does take time. It is your choice for how long it takes you to agree a basis of trust. In the meantime, love yourself! and surround yourself with others who love themselves.
posted by parmanparman at 3:38 PM on December 18, 2019
The man who required affection constantly was a deal breaker. He wanted someone who may not actually exist. You should be relatively upfront about trust by establishing boundaries early that you can use to test his trust. Some are explicit and required but others can be fun, like looking each other in the eye when you cheer a drink, or tell him a story about a place you treasure and then take them their on a date and see him in your comfort zone, like your favourite place to rock out at 3pm on a Thursday. Get table service and tell the waiter to bring him the wrong order and watch his reaction.
You may not need to even announce your test. You can just tick your boxes and then make a choice about how you want to proceed: f/m/k.
Remember, emotional connection does take time. It is your choice for how long it takes you to agree a basis of trust. In the meantime, love yourself! and surround yourself with others who love themselves.
posted by parmanparman at 3:38 PM on December 18, 2019
There's kind of a few things going on here.
First, for this guy, you didn't feel a spark, and making out with him didn't feel natural. The intellectual spark was there, but not the physical one. It could be that he'd make a great friend, not a dating partner.
Yet you think the issue is that you weren't demonstrative enough with showing interest. But it sounds like the attraction just wasn't there, physically. The issue isn't that you weren't showing interest properly; the issue is that you didn't feel that interest physically so there wasn't anything to show. Maybe I'm oversimplifying. You're relating this back to your past relationship where your ex said this was an issue, so I think you're confusing that with this most recent guy.
This is another issue, that may have contributed to the issue with your ex, but I think is a bigger problem to tackle than your previous relationship or most recent guy:
kind of having adopted a general attitude that no one would ever be into me and would in fact be horrified if I showed romantic affection.
I think this would be worth talking out in therapy, to deal with these self-worth issues. You adopted this attitude as a self-protective mechanism, and maybe it's not working for you anymore.
In the meantime, I would hit up most recent guy and say that you'd like to be friends. Something like, "I really enjoyed talking to you. I know the spark wasn't there for you (or me) but how about we get together once in a while for a coffee?" Only do that if you actually want to be friends; don't disguise it as "I want to be friends with him so that maybe the spark will develop, etc." No hidden agendas.
And generally, in terms of chemistry, maybe this will help give you some perspective.
posted by foxjacket at 9:24 AM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
First, for this guy, you didn't feel a spark, and making out with him didn't feel natural. The intellectual spark was there, but not the physical one. It could be that he'd make a great friend, not a dating partner.
Yet you think the issue is that you weren't demonstrative enough with showing interest. But it sounds like the attraction just wasn't there, physically. The issue isn't that you weren't showing interest properly; the issue is that you didn't feel that interest physically so there wasn't anything to show. Maybe I'm oversimplifying. You're relating this back to your past relationship where your ex said this was an issue, so I think you're confusing that with this most recent guy.
This is another issue, that may have contributed to the issue with your ex, but I think is a bigger problem to tackle than your previous relationship or most recent guy:
kind of having adopted a general attitude that no one would ever be into me and would in fact be horrified if I showed romantic affection.
I think this would be worth talking out in therapy, to deal with these self-worth issues. You adopted this attitude as a self-protective mechanism, and maybe it's not working for you anymore.
In the meantime, I would hit up most recent guy and say that you'd like to be friends. Something like, "I really enjoyed talking to you. I know the spark wasn't there for you (or me) but how about we get together once in a while for a coffee?" Only do that if you actually want to be friends; don't disguise it as "I want to be friends with him so that maybe the spark will develop, etc." No hidden agendas.
And generally, in terms of chemistry, maybe this will help give you some perspective.
posted by foxjacket at 9:24 AM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you just dated a couple of duds. Sometimes you just don't spark with otherwise nice people, the ex sounds like he just didn't really know what he wanted / that feeling insecure might be a problem for him to work on himself and not for you to fix. It sounds like maybe you get so excited that anyone is interested at all that you skip evaluating whether this person is really a good match. You should have an effusive list of things that make them swell after several dates. You may be feeling cautious for good reasons, prod at that cautiousness and see if you can tie it to actual behavior on your suitor's part (bad at making out, rude comments about others, etc.)
Expressing yourself - I'm not very good at expressing emotions verbally, so I make an effort to bring small gifts / loan books we talked about / have favored snacks at my place / etc. Asking verbally to do physical stuff is often easier for me than making a move, and men have generally responded well to this.
Please don't set up "tests" that people can fail. They will pick up on it and they will not like it.
posted by momus_window at 9:29 AM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
Expressing yourself - I'm not very good at expressing emotions verbally, so I make an effort to bring small gifts / loan books we talked about / have favored snacks at my place / etc. Asking verbally to do physical stuff is often easier for me than making a move, and men have generally responded well to this.
Please don't set up "tests" that people can fail. They will pick up on it and they will not like it.
posted by momus_window at 9:29 AM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the varied perspectives on this... I don't think I'm just going out with whoever expresses interest having backed out of other situations where they seemed to be feeling it but I wasn't, but I think I am learning what aspects are important to me for compatibility. I think I do need to put myself out there a bit more and be a bit more fearless and forward but maybe it's at least somewhat separate from questions of chemistry or from my previous relationship and how I interacted with that person. When I think it over, I think I had physical chemistry with my previous boyfriend but in the end there were deal breakers in other areas. So I think this new guy was such a relief in that we seemed compatible on all the other levels I wasn't compatible with the ex. Ideally, I think I need to shoot for both in the future and maybe to get that have to work on the confidence side a bit.
Anyway, just felt compelled to write a follow up for whatever reason! :)
posted by knownfossils at 8:15 PM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
Anyway, just felt compelled to write a follow up for whatever reason! :)
posted by knownfossils at 8:15 PM on December 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
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As you can see I haven't really found the solution yet, but what I try to do when I have the energy is to over-exaggerate my communication, and when I'm feeling really emotionally warm on the inside to try to express myself in a really sappy, over-the-top-feeling way. It feels weird and exhausting to have to do this consciously, but it is what it is. That, or communicate with physical touch.
posted by mekily at 12:04 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]