Micromanaged in new role, possibly abusive environment. Need advice.
October 2, 2019 10:09 PM Subscribe
I have taken on a new role at work, working closely with a contractor. Things aren't vibing out between us at all, and it's coming to the point where I feel daily dread and anxiety. I'd like advice on how to proceed, based on experiences in a potentially toxic workplace.
Since my last question related to my workplace, things has changed, big time. My former supervisor left the workplace, and a new director has came in, changing everything. Our team moved to use more interactive tools, including Teamwork.com and other office communication tools. Our team, while staying understaffed, has been tasked with many more projects, more campaigns, and whatnot. Our director has brought in a contractor, new to our organization altogether, to help manage the team, which has caused some ruffled feathers. Some employees felt this contractor has overstepped her bounds by telling people what to do, acting like a de facto boss. This ripple effect has caused other team members to feel uncomfortable and unsure of what direction the team was/is going into. Note: Some certain times and descriptors has been changed, to ensure anonymity.
I was asked by the director to help support the project management efforts in the office, including Teamwork, and to work with the contractor (let's call her Debbie). I was more than willing, because I wanted a change and to do something different! I'm also good with logistics and whatnot, and despite what some others were expressing about Debbie, I was more than willing to give her a chance. I was told this would be a "trial" kind of experience (I don't have this explicitly in writing, but in the post-meeting email summary, I did mention the "trial").
Well, it's been about two or so months, and at this point, I can barely breathe. My workplace feels very toxic to me. Disclaimer: I am generally a sensitive person (sometimes too sensitive, perhaps), and I do take things personally. I have a bad experience being bullied by a former co-worker/"acting supervisor", too, which has caused scars in my experience. Here's how I feel the environment is toxic and how I feel micromanaged/disrespected.
-Debbie keeps giving me feedback via IM and email, on my approaches to my emailing style (to other people, not to her), each time unprompted. She made some helpful suggestions, which I am open to, but it really comes across as overreaching and micromanaging.
-She keeps changing things up. For example, verbally during a meeting, I was asked to follow up with a specific person about a specific project. I did, and CC'd Debbie. She then emailed me and said that I shouldn't have emailed that person; that he was her POC. I apologized for the misunderstanding, but said she did ask me verbally to contact him. She brushed it off and changed the subject.
-When I explained that I was still new to the whole concept of Teamwork, she said she understood but that it couldn't be an excuse anymore. Understandable, but it's been a short time. I also told her I was doing what I can.
-She insists we must have everything ready by said date, and (this is my observation) guilt trips me by saying that I'm the gatekeeper to the whole team, and that their survival depends on me. Without my help, the team will fall apart. This is extremely burdensome to me, to feel responsible and like everything with Teamwork is dire and needs to be done, post haste, with no flexibility.
-She sometimes comes across as demeaning and rude, making changes to docs I create unprompted to the team. She also was a bit condescending to me when I didn't understand a major new project to map out on Teamwork.
-She was rude to me during a meeting with another department, shutting me off while I was talking and making it seem like I was saying all the wrong things. This was very embarrassing to me.
-I am expected to work with team members to make sure they're on top of things in Teamwork. This has caused great resentment among team members, who also feel micromanaged, and I feel like the 'fall guy' and have to work with disgruntled, frustrated team members. Then, I get drilled by Debbie because I didn't get all of the XX YY ZZ information she wanted. No win.
-I feel this Dr. Hyde and Mr. Jekyll vibe. Debbie sometimes is very nice and complimentary, but then she changes her tone and makes things seem so dire and heavy.
-I have been working at this organization for more than 5 years now, while Debbie recently joined earlier this year, and previously had no experience working at our organization (which operates very differently from the corporate/business world).
How I know this isn't completely me/my sensitivity is because other co-workers feel uncomfortable with her approach. A co-worker, who worked with Debbie previously at another job, said Debbie had a tendency to be egoistical. This is very hard for me, because I feel like I went from 5 MPH to 100 MPH in such a short time, and now all of a sudden, I'm the gatekeeper. I didn't ask for this burden, and didn't get any pay raise or anything for my extra efforts. I'm paid basically entry level, for my experience and efforts, but that's another story and another question.
What I am trying to get help/advice on is, how to proceed. I have two options here.
a) Talk to the director. Express my concerns with her, be frank and honest and say this trial isn't working, and outline why.
b) Talk to Debbie myself, explain that this isn't working out, and I want to go back to what I was doing before. (Hard, because previously, I expressed to Debbie that I was enjoying Teamwork and stepping out of my comfort zone. This was before she became more and more intense.)
I'm very scared. Here's why (and, by the way, thanks for your patience with this long post):
-My organization has not been doing well financially. A lot of people have been laid off and/or fired in the last few years, and overall morale is not high.
-The director is new, so we're new to each other. I don't want to give the impression that I'm giving up. I don't want her to look down at me and perceive me as weak.
-Debbie seems to be very well regarded by my boss (hence why she hired her as a contractor), and I'm afraid if I go back to what I was doing before, Debbie will find a way to retaliate and make my work life experience miserable. (This is probably my anxiety talking.) Debbie has her hand in all office projects, and works closely with all of us.
-I'm afraid that I'll be fired for not meeting up to expectations. I was told by the director that my support for Teamwork was critical, and that our team needed organization badly. (The thing is, before my director began, we performed just fine without Teamwork and organization. Yes, our former supervisor was bad, and there were plenty of quirks/warts in the organization, but we were given much more freedom than now.)
-I'm overall afraid of how this will reflect on my performance, even though this was not something I asked for.
-I'm afraid I'm giving up too easily and too quickly, and that Debbie really isn't as bad as she seems.
-I'm scared in general because our small team went from, like, 5 projects to 20+, and I was told this was the new normal, and to get used to it. I feel like there is no regard for our well being or needs, but this is more of a general issue, not specifically Debbie.
AskMe, please help. I would love advice, experiences/anecdotes on dealing with a toxic workplace (or at least, micromanaging bosses/co-workers), and thoughts. I recognize that my anxiety, low self-esteem, and other factors are making this harder and bigger than it seems. The thing is, if Debbie wasn't in the picture, I would LOVE Teamwork! I'd love the logistics and seeing the "big picture", but unfortunately, Debbie makes it really miserable and overburdening to me, so that's why I am no longer interested. I do read her energy at times, and it comes across as demanding, pushy, lacking flexibility in general, and heavy. The energy just does not work out with me. I dread her emails in the mornings, I dread her IMs, I dread what's coming next, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I'm afraid to take any action because I don't want to get criticized. Am I going crazy here or perceiving things wrongly, I ask myself all the time.
Whew! This was a long post, but I really needed to let it out, and ask for advice on the best way to proceed. I'm lucky so far that all my other co-workers has been very supportive of me; they're the glue that helps hold me together, and I'm actively searching for another job, but it's hard to find another job. Many thanks, really appreciate the patience and help.
Since my last question related to my workplace, things has changed, big time. My former supervisor left the workplace, and a new director has came in, changing everything. Our team moved to use more interactive tools, including Teamwork.com and other office communication tools. Our team, while staying understaffed, has been tasked with many more projects, more campaigns, and whatnot. Our director has brought in a contractor, new to our organization altogether, to help manage the team, which has caused some ruffled feathers. Some employees felt this contractor has overstepped her bounds by telling people what to do, acting like a de facto boss. This ripple effect has caused other team members to feel uncomfortable and unsure of what direction the team was/is going into. Note: Some certain times and descriptors has been changed, to ensure anonymity.
I was asked by the director to help support the project management efforts in the office, including Teamwork, and to work with the contractor (let's call her Debbie). I was more than willing, because I wanted a change and to do something different! I'm also good with logistics and whatnot, and despite what some others were expressing about Debbie, I was more than willing to give her a chance. I was told this would be a "trial" kind of experience (I don't have this explicitly in writing, but in the post-meeting email summary, I did mention the "trial").
Well, it's been about two or so months, and at this point, I can barely breathe. My workplace feels very toxic to me. Disclaimer: I am generally a sensitive person (sometimes too sensitive, perhaps), and I do take things personally. I have a bad experience being bullied by a former co-worker/"acting supervisor", too, which has caused scars in my experience. Here's how I feel the environment is toxic and how I feel micromanaged/disrespected.
-Debbie keeps giving me feedback via IM and email, on my approaches to my emailing style (to other people, not to her), each time unprompted. She made some helpful suggestions, which I am open to, but it really comes across as overreaching and micromanaging.
-She keeps changing things up. For example, verbally during a meeting, I was asked to follow up with a specific person about a specific project. I did, and CC'd Debbie. She then emailed me and said that I shouldn't have emailed that person; that he was her POC. I apologized for the misunderstanding, but said she did ask me verbally to contact him. She brushed it off and changed the subject.
-When I explained that I was still new to the whole concept of Teamwork, she said she understood but that it couldn't be an excuse anymore. Understandable, but it's been a short time. I also told her I was doing what I can.
-She insists we must have everything ready by said date, and (this is my observation) guilt trips me by saying that I'm the gatekeeper to the whole team, and that their survival depends on me. Without my help, the team will fall apart. This is extremely burdensome to me, to feel responsible and like everything with Teamwork is dire and needs to be done, post haste, with no flexibility.
-She sometimes comes across as demeaning and rude, making changes to docs I create unprompted to the team. She also was a bit condescending to me when I didn't understand a major new project to map out on Teamwork.
-She was rude to me during a meeting with another department, shutting me off while I was talking and making it seem like I was saying all the wrong things. This was very embarrassing to me.
-I am expected to work with team members to make sure they're on top of things in Teamwork. This has caused great resentment among team members, who also feel micromanaged, and I feel like the 'fall guy' and have to work with disgruntled, frustrated team members. Then, I get drilled by Debbie because I didn't get all of the XX YY ZZ information she wanted. No win.
-I feel this Dr. Hyde and Mr. Jekyll vibe. Debbie sometimes is very nice and complimentary, but then she changes her tone and makes things seem so dire and heavy.
-I have been working at this organization for more than 5 years now, while Debbie recently joined earlier this year, and previously had no experience working at our organization (which operates very differently from the corporate/business world).
How I know this isn't completely me/my sensitivity is because other co-workers feel uncomfortable with her approach. A co-worker, who worked with Debbie previously at another job, said Debbie had a tendency to be egoistical. This is very hard for me, because I feel like I went from 5 MPH to 100 MPH in such a short time, and now all of a sudden, I'm the gatekeeper. I didn't ask for this burden, and didn't get any pay raise or anything for my extra efforts. I'm paid basically entry level, for my experience and efforts, but that's another story and another question.
What I am trying to get help/advice on is, how to proceed. I have two options here.
a) Talk to the director. Express my concerns with her, be frank and honest and say this trial isn't working, and outline why.
b) Talk to Debbie myself, explain that this isn't working out, and I want to go back to what I was doing before. (Hard, because previously, I expressed to Debbie that I was enjoying Teamwork and stepping out of my comfort zone. This was before she became more and more intense.)
I'm very scared. Here's why (and, by the way, thanks for your patience with this long post):
-My organization has not been doing well financially. A lot of people have been laid off and/or fired in the last few years, and overall morale is not high.
-The director is new, so we're new to each other. I don't want to give the impression that I'm giving up. I don't want her to look down at me and perceive me as weak.
-Debbie seems to be very well regarded by my boss (hence why she hired her as a contractor), and I'm afraid if I go back to what I was doing before, Debbie will find a way to retaliate and make my work life experience miserable. (This is probably my anxiety talking.) Debbie has her hand in all office projects, and works closely with all of us.
-I'm afraid that I'll be fired for not meeting up to expectations. I was told by the director that my support for Teamwork was critical, and that our team needed organization badly. (The thing is, before my director began, we performed just fine without Teamwork and organization. Yes, our former supervisor was bad, and there were plenty of quirks/warts in the organization, but we were given much more freedom than now.)
-I'm overall afraid of how this will reflect on my performance, even though this was not something I asked for.
-I'm afraid I'm giving up too easily and too quickly, and that Debbie really isn't as bad as she seems.
-I'm scared in general because our small team went from, like, 5 projects to 20+, and I was told this was the new normal, and to get used to it. I feel like there is no regard for our well being or needs, but this is more of a general issue, not specifically Debbie.
AskMe, please help. I would love advice, experiences/anecdotes on dealing with a toxic workplace (or at least, micromanaging bosses/co-workers), and thoughts. I recognize that my anxiety, low self-esteem, and other factors are making this harder and bigger than it seems. The thing is, if Debbie wasn't in the picture, I would LOVE Teamwork! I'd love the logistics and seeing the "big picture", but unfortunately, Debbie makes it really miserable and overburdening to me, so that's why I am no longer interested. I do read her energy at times, and it comes across as demanding, pushy, lacking flexibility in general, and heavy. The energy just does not work out with me. I dread her emails in the mornings, I dread her IMs, I dread what's coming next, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I'm afraid to take any action because I don't want to get criticized. Am I going crazy here or perceiving things wrongly, I ask myself all the time.
Whew! This was a long post, but I really needed to let it out, and ask for advice on the best way to proceed. I'm lucky so far that all my other co-workers has been very supportive of me; they're the glue that helps hold me together, and I'm actively searching for another job, but it's hard to find another job. Many thanks, really appreciate the patience and help.
I'm scared in general because our small team went from, like, 5 projects to 20+, and I was told this was the new normal, and to get used to it. I feel like there is no regard for our well being or needs, but this is more of a general issue, not specifically Debbie.
This is important in that it means that even if Debbie quits tomorrow you’ll still have a major issue with the amount of work being dropped on you. You might enjoy it more but there’s still no way you could get it all done and you’d still be getting paid entry level wages to run yourself ragged.
From what you say the organization is on the ropes and organizations in that position have a way of chewing through people. It’s not personal, it just comes down from the top that personnel need to be shed and productivity needs to soar. Debbie and her hard-driving ways are no doubt an embodiment of the latter requirement.
Unless you see the fortunes of the organization turning around soon I would suggest moving on. It’s only going to get worse from here.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:28 AM on October 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
This is important in that it means that even if Debbie quits tomorrow you’ll still have a major issue with the amount of work being dropped on you. You might enjoy it more but there’s still no way you could get it all done and you’d still be getting paid entry level wages to run yourself ragged.
From what you say the organization is on the ropes and organizations in that position have a way of chewing through people. It’s not personal, it just comes down from the top that personnel need to be shed and productivity needs to soar. Debbie and her hard-driving ways are no doubt an embodiment of the latter requirement.
Unless you see the fortunes of the organization turning around soon I would suggest moving on. It’s only going to get worse from here.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:28 AM on October 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
She keeps changing things up
she said she understood but that it couldn't be an excuse anymore
She...guilt trips me by saying that I'm the gatekeeper to the whole team, and that their survival depends on me
She sometimes comes across as demeaning and rude
making it seem like I was saying all the wrong things
I feel like the 'fall guy' and have to work with disgruntled, frustrated team members
Debbie sometimes is very nice and complimentary, but then she changes her tone and makes things seem so dire and heavy
Debbie seems to be very well regarded by my boss
Yikes. This is...not good.
For whatever reason (and truly, the why is unimportant here), they want you gone and are setting you up to fail. It sounds like they need a reason that the entire organization is circling the drain, to be honest, and they've targeted you.
I've been in a similar position. It completely blew up in my face and my career trajectory has not recovered.
You need to be looking for other jobs in earnest. It's only a matter of time before you're forced out of this one. Better to leave on your own terms than to be left scrambling and unemployed.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 1:58 AM on October 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
she said she understood but that it couldn't be an excuse anymore
She...guilt trips me by saying that I'm the gatekeeper to the whole team, and that their survival depends on me
She sometimes comes across as demeaning and rude
making it seem like I was saying all the wrong things
I feel like the 'fall guy' and have to work with disgruntled, frustrated team members
Debbie sometimes is very nice and complimentary, but then she changes her tone and makes things seem so dire and heavy
Debbie seems to be very well regarded by my boss
Yikes. This is...not good.
For whatever reason (and truly, the why is unimportant here), they want you gone and are setting you up to fail. It sounds like they need a reason that the entire organization is circling the drain, to be honest, and they've targeted you.
I've been in a similar position. It completely blew up in my face and my career trajectory has not recovered.
You need to be looking for other jobs in earnest. It's only a matter of time before you're forced out of this one. Better to leave on your own terms than to be left scrambling and unemployed.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 1:58 AM on October 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
This all sounds very familiar to me. I don't think you can do much besides quit and/or continue to look for another job. I had a Debbie, she did a number on my mental health and there was no reaching her. There was nothing anyone could say to convince her of anything. She was right and that was it. I joked that the only thing that would make her change would be visits from three ghosts on Christmas Eve.
For me, I had to quit before I had another job lined up because it had gotten so bad--I would have to make myself disassociate whenever she spoke to me. If that's truly not an option for you, maintaining self-care is important, and making the most of your free time as well. Try not to let what is happening at work dominate your thoughts, which is difficult. Unfortunately, I doubt your options a) and b) will be welcome or have the effect that you hope for.
posted by girlmightlive at 4:54 AM on October 3, 2019
For me, I had to quit before I had another job lined up because it had gotten so bad--I would have to make myself disassociate whenever she spoke to me. If that's truly not an option for you, maintaining self-care is important, and making the most of your free time as well. Try not to let what is happening at work dominate your thoughts, which is difficult. Unfortunately, I doubt your options a) and b) will be welcome or have the effect that you hope for.
posted by girlmightlive at 4:54 AM on October 3, 2019
It sounds totally toxic and IT'S NOT YOU. You're fine. Your environment is not. It could be that you're being consciously set up to fail, or (never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence and all that) sometimes Debby-types hone in on people like you (reliable, wanting to please, forgiving in the face of being treated badly) as someone who is useful/obedient right hand man. Who they then treat badly. I've been in the you/Debbie dynamic and what i did was get progressively more stone-wall-y, but not in a way Debbie could put her finger on or actively complain about. But your new role seems so embroiled in everything that that might be impossible to pull off (transfer to least exposed project as suggested above seems wise).
I don't have any advice, just sympathy really. Please take care of yourself, please lean on your colleagues for support to keep reminding you that it's not you and not letting this further destroy you/your self esteem.
posted by hotcoroner at 4:57 AM on October 3, 2019
I don't have any advice, just sympathy really. Please take care of yourself, please lean on your colleagues for support to keep reminding you that it's not you and not letting this further destroy you/your self esteem.
posted by hotcoroner at 4:57 AM on October 3, 2019
As near as I can tell, the best situation in a large organization is when your immediate supervisor spreads themselves above you protectively, insulating their team from the insanity. You sound like you have the exact opposite of that. I would seriously be looking for another job. You probably feel invested in the mission of the organization. I would try to ignore that, since they would probably remove you like a skin tag if it were expedient.
There are probably a lot of places that are less toxic that would make good use of your talents. I hope you find one and wish you luck dealing with your current situation.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:18 AM on October 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
There are probably a lot of places that are less toxic that would make good use of your talents. I hope you find one and wish you luck dealing with your current situation.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:18 AM on October 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the helpful responses so far! It's incredibly scary and saddening to face the possibility that I have been intentionally set up to fail, as I have been with the organization for a long time now, and I have tirelessly contributed to many facets of the organization despite not being paid well at all, and I have always been reliable and hardworking, while genuine. When my former supervisor was there, I basically ran the show, because she didn't do much. Reading between the lines, I believe current leadership is not blaming me for the organization failure, but rather, relying on me and Debbie to clean up and make a better organization structure for the office. I could be wrong on that, though--they did not outright say it was my fault, or targeted my job performance as the reason behind that, but who knows?
I was asked to 'lead'/support the Teamwork effort, but it seemed to be a trial/test basis. I had another project assigned to me, which was also of importance, so do you think it would be possible for me to convince the director (who is my boss, not Debbie) to shift focus on that project, explaining that after some time with Teamwork, it just didn't feel like the right fit for me? I was wondering why some of you think options A/B would not work in this case/be welcome?
Also, @hotcoroner, how did you become progressively stonewall-y? Any recommendations on that?
Thanks much!
posted by thoughtful_analyst at 6:19 AM on October 3, 2019
I was asked to 'lead'/support the Teamwork effort, but it seemed to be a trial/test basis. I had another project assigned to me, which was also of importance, so do you think it would be possible for me to convince the director (who is my boss, not Debbie) to shift focus on that project, explaining that after some time with Teamwork, it just didn't feel like the right fit for me? I was wondering why some of you think options A/B would not work in this case/be welcome?
Also, @hotcoroner, how did you become progressively stonewall-y? Any recommendations on that?
Thanks much!
posted by thoughtful_analyst at 6:19 AM on October 3, 2019
The thing is, before my director began, we performed just fine without Teamwork and organization. Yes, our former supervisor was bad, and there were plenty of quirks/warts in the organization, but we were given much more freedom than now.) . . . . I'm afraid I'm giving up too easily and too quickly, and that Debbie really isn't as bad as she seems. . . . I was told this was the new normal, and to get used to it.
There are a lot of complications and dynamics here, as well as things that are outside of your control. But i did pick up on a couple things I think are within your control and worth thinking about:
Is it fair to say you’re upset because you resent the way your org or your job has changed under this new director, and you wish you could just go back to the way things were? How much of your dislike of Debbie or her role is related to this general wish that you could turn back the clock and dislike of the new system as a whole?
I say that as someone who really dislikes the kind of workplace tools it sounds like you’re dealing with. I would be really annoyed if my workplace started implementing all these “solutions” that I felt weren’t actually needed, even though things might have been a little chaotic. I find them shallow and stupid, and I would have transferred those feelings into anyone who was trying to supervise me in learning how to use them. It sounds like you haven’t fully accepted that you can’t go back to the way things were.
Apart from her personality clashes with you (which are a whole other issue), I think you might be putting your general resentment onto Debbie because her job is getting you acclimated to a new system that you think is unnecessary—and thus Debbie herself seems unnecessary. (And she may be picking up on this vibe.) For me, it would help to remember this when dealing with her.
A key issue for me would be: is Debbie’s position here temporary or permanent? Will this phase of the project pass, giving the team a chance to move back toward the previous dynamic? If not, and this is the new normal, I would consider looking for a different workplace :-(
posted by sallybrown at 7:11 AM on October 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of complications and dynamics here, as well as things that are outside of your control. But i did pick up on a couple things I think are within your control and worth thinking about:
Is it fair to say you’re upset because you resent the way your org or your job has changed under this new director, and you wish you could just go back to the way things were? How much of your dislike of Debbie or her role is related to this general wish that you could turn back the clock and dislike of the new system as a whole?
I say that as someone who really dislikes the kind of workplace tools it sounds like you’re dealing with. I would be really annoyed if my workplace started implementing all these “solutions” that I felt weren’t actually needed, even though things might have been a little chaotic. I find them shallow and stupid, and I would have transferred those feelings into anyone who was trying to supervise me in learning how to use them. It sounds like you haven’t fully accepted that you can’t go back to the way things were.
Apart from her personality clashes with you (which are a whole other issue), I think you might be putting your general resentment onto Debbie because her job is getting you acclimated to a new system that you think is unnecessary—and thus Debbie herself seems unnecessary. (And she may be picking up on this vibe.) For me, it would help to remember this when dealing with her.
A key issue for me would be: is Debbie’s position here temporary or permanent? Will this phase of the project pass, giving the team a chance to move back toward the previous dynamic? If not, and this is the new normal, I would consider looking for a different workplace :-(
posted by sallybrown at 7:11 AM on October 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
When my former supervisor was there, I basically ran the show, because she didn't do much. Reading between the lines, I believe current leadership is not blaming me for the organization failure, but rather, relying on me and Debbie to clean up and make a better organization structure for the office.
It sounds like another part of the conflict here is that you had more leadership responsibility in practice than you were technically supposed to, and the new director wants to come in and take back all that responsibility. Even further, she’s installed Debbie above you and you’re having trouble adjusting to ceding your prior leadership role on the team. Your question says the new director installed Debbie in a role supervising you, but you seem to see her more as adjacent to you.
FWIW I don’t think they are intentionally setting you up to fail. To me it sounds more like because of prior workplace problems, you did a favor for the organization and stepped up to fill in above your title, and now the new director wants to change back team roles to the way they “should” be. That’s a really tough adjustment, on top of all the other new stuff.
On a positive front, you can take from this experience the lesson that you have the capacity to lead others and take on more responsibility than you currently have. Sounds like you would be a good fit for a promotion or to step up a rung if you see a job opportunity.
posted by sallybrown at 7:21 AM on October 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
It sounds like another part of the conflict here is that you had more leadership responsibility in practice than you were technically supposed to, and the new director wants to come in and take back all that responsibility. Even further, she’s installed Debbie above you and you’re having trouble adjusting to ceding your prior leadership role on the team. Your question says the new director installed Debbie in a role supervising you, but you seem to see her more as adjacent to you.
FWIW I don’t think they are intentionally setting you up to fail. To me it sounds more like because of prior workplace problems, you did a favor for the organization and stepped up to fill in above your title, and now the new director wants to change back team roles to the way they “should” be. That’s a really tough adjustment, on top of all the other new stuff.
On a positive front, you can take from this experience the lesson that you have the capacity to lead others and take on more responsibility than you currently have. Sounds like you would be a good fit for a promotion or to step up a rung if you see a job opportunity.
posted by sallybrown at 7:21 AM on October 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
What you're describing here is just called "management" where I work, so I feel some of your pain.
I agree with other posters that your best bet may be quietly but proactively looking for another situation, because a lot of the dynamic you're taking about sounds structural/hierarchical and therefore 1) beyond your control 2) unlikely to improve in the near future. The good news is, you've proven you're a great candidate by stepping up prior to Debbie's arrival.
Concerning the public and private nitpicking: one strategy I have developed (and only been able to implement recently, since by nature and upbringing I definitely absorb and react to EVERYBODY'S feelings because OMG THEY'RE MY FAULT AND MY RESPONSIBILITY) is to, not quite stonewall, but grey-rock it:
"THIS ISN'T WHAT I ASKED FOR*, THIS IS ALL WRONG**, WHY DID YOU DO THIS THIS WAY***?!?!"
"Oh, gosh, based on our conversation last week this is how I decided to tackle the project. I can change it if necessary by [date]."
"YOU'D BETTER, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WRONG AND VERY DISAPPOINTING, LET ME ENUMERATE ALL THE REASONS!!"
"Yes, I see how it could be understood that way/would have been better your way. Now that I know what you're looking for it shouldn't take long to update."
Basically, don't assume that just because they're upset and/or laying into you (loudly or not) you've actually done anything objectively wrong or which requires embarrassment or apology. I think that's part of what makes people like us so vulnerable to this sort of mistreatment: we immediately accept people's frustration with us as justified and a Very Terrible Thing That I Have to Fix Now. Honestly unless you're actively undermining Debbie or missing huge deadlines, this is very unlikely to be true. Just keep responding as if she had come correct to begin with/were actually being reasonable. It won't make it any less demeaning and upsetting to deal with, but you come out of it with your dignity intact.
Hang in there, and here's to your next, much better job.
*It is
**Guess your instructions were too then
*** See item 2
posted by peakes at 10:26 AM on October 3, 2019 [7 favorites]
I agree with other posters that your best bet may be quietly but proactively looking for another situation, because a lot of the dynamic you're taking about sounds structural/hierarchical and therefore 1) beyond your control 2) unlikely to improve in the near future. The good news is, you've proven you're a great candidate by stepping up prior to Debbie's arrival.
Concerning the public and private nitpicking: one strategy I have developed (and only been able to implement recently, since by nature and upbringing I definitely absorb and react to EVERYBODY'S feelings because OMG THEY'RE MY FAULT AND MY RESPONSIBILITY) is to, not quite stonewall, but grey-rock it:
"THIS ISN'T WHAT I ASKED FOR*, THIS IS ALL WRONG**, WHY DID YOU DO THIS THIS WAY***?!?!"
"Oh, gosh, based on our conversation last week this is how I decided to tackle the project. I can change it if necessary by [date]."
"YOU'D BETTER, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WRONG AND VERY DISAPPOINTING, LET ME ENUMERATE ALL THE REASONS!!"
"Yes, I see how it could be understood that way/would have been better your way. Now that I know what you're looking for it shouldn't take long to update."
Basically, don't assume that just because they're upset and/or laying into you (loudly or not) you've actually done anything objectively wrong or which requires embarrassment or apology. I think that's part of what makes people like us so vulnerable to this sort of mistreatment: we immediately accept people's frustration with us as justified and a Very Terrible Thing That I Have to Fix Now. Honestly unless you're actively undermining Debbie or missing huge deadlines, this is very unlikely to be true. Just keep responding as if she had come correct to begin with/were actually being reasonable. It won't make it any less demeaning and upsetting to deal with, but you come out of it with your dignity intact.
Hang in there, and here's to your next, much better job.
*It is
**Guess your instructions were too then
*** See item 2
posted by peakes at 10:26 AM on October 3, 2019 [7 favorites]
I am expected to work with team members to make sure they're on top of things in Teamwork. This has caused great resentment among team members, who also feel micromanaged, and I feel like the 'fall guy' and have to work with disgruntled, frustrated team members.
This could be an opening. Since your job is to get staff to implement Teamwork, then challenges implementing Teamwork are your business. You could sit down with Debbie and your Director and discuss it. That way, you're not presenting a pile of your own gripes to your Director, you're sharing others' gripes in a "how should we handle this?" kind of way. (Of course, I'd still be highly diplomatic.) Another option might be to facilitate a group meeting to solicit feedback on how Teamwork is going so far and let the complainers know that this is the forum for sharing their concerns.
However, either of these could backfire on you. Debbie could turn the blame on you. And I'm really not sure your Director is open minded enough to hear this.
It's incredibly scary and saddening to face the possibility that I have been intentionally set up to fail
If this were going on, I think there'd be more efforts at accountability. Instead of Debbie telling you "Teamwork is your job, so stop making excuses and learn it," your Director would be putting together a timeline with metrics knowing you weren't going to meet it.
I had another project assigned to me, which was also of importance, so do you think it would be possible for me... to shift focus on that project, explaining that after some time with Teamwork, it just didn't feel like the right fit for me?
If there's another project you can focus on more, particularly if it's one that makes you indispensable to the organization, that distance from Debbie might reduce your stress. But I'd be subtle and not explicitly reject Teamwork -- be excited about the other project.
the director (who is my boss, not Debbie)
I'd look at Debbie as an extension of your boss, unfortunately.
posted by salvia at 12:02 PM on October 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
This could be an opening. Since your job is to get staff to implement Teamwork, then challenges implementing Teamwork are your business. You could sit down with Debbie and your Director and discuss it. That way, you're not presenting a pile of your own gripes to your Director, you're sharing others' gripes in a "how should we handle this?" kind of way. (Of course, I'd still be highly diplomatic.) Another option might be to facilitate a group meeting to solicit feedback on how Teamwork is going so far and let the complainers know that this is the forum for sharing their concerns.
However, either of these could backfire on you. Debbie could turn the blame on you. And I'm really not sure your Director is open minded enough to hear this.
It's incredibly scary and saddening to face the possibility that I have been intentionally set up to fail
If this were going on, I think there'd be more efforts at accountability. Instead of Debbie telling you "Teamwork is your job, so stop making excuses and learn it," your Director would be putting together a timeline with metrics knowing you weren't going to meet it.
I had another project assigned to me, which was also of importance, so do you think it would be possible for me... to shift focus on that project, explaining that after some time with Teamwork, it just didn't feel like the right fit for me?
If there's another project you can focus on more, particularly if it's one that makes you indispensable to the organization, that distance from Debbie might reduce your stress. But I'd be subtle and not explicitly reject Teamwork -- be excited about the other project.
the director (who is my boss, not Debbie)
I'd look at Debbie as an extension of your boss, unfortunately.
posted by salvia at 12:02 PM on October 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Ugh. This doesn't sound good. I'll reiterate others' suggestions that you look for a new job. But in the meantime, I want to center on two things:
Another thing that is troubling to me is this:
if she ever cuts you off in a meeting again, just stay calm and even, and say "excuse me, Debbie. I wasn't done speaking yet. Please don't interrupt me." And then just keep on talking over her.
I'm sorry, this sounds like an ugly situation. Document incidents. Keep an email file. Start thinking about any files you might want to take with you when you leave (if it is okay for you to do so, of course) and pack them up now.
posted by cleverevans at 1:33 PM on October 3, 2019
-She insists we must have everything ready by said date, and (this is my observation) guilt trips me by saying that I'm the gatekeeper to the whole team, and that their survival depends on me. Without my help, the team will fall apart. This is extremely burdensome to me, to feel responsible and like everything with Teamwork is dire and needs to be done, post haste, with no flexibility.This worries me, because it sounds like she's setting you up as a scapegoat if everything falls apart. She's just a contractor; she doesn't have a long term stake in the organization. You do. If it all falls apart, she can just blame it on you and walk away.
Another thing that is troubling to me is this:
-She was rude to me during a meeting with another department, shutting me off while I was talking and making it seem like I was saying all the wrong things. This was very embarrassing to me.It's troubling because interrupting you, someone who is the "gatekeeper for the whole team" and "without your help the team will fall apart" is flat-out disrespectful. It undermines your authority in front of the whole team. DO NOT let that sort of thing stand. EVER. I know, it can be hard to be confrontational. But it doesn't need to be a big drama. The key is to stay calm and even when you stand up to her.
if she ever cuts you off in a meeting again, just stay calm and even, and say "excuse me, Debbie. I wasn't done speaking yet. Please don't interrupt me." And then just keep on talking over her.
I'm sorry, this sounds like an ugly situation. Document incidents. Keep an email file. Start thinking about any files you might want to take with you when you leave (if it is okay for you to do so, of course) and pack them up now.
posted by cleverevans at 1:33 PM on October 3, 2019
do you think it would be possible for me to convince the director (who is my boss, not Debbie) to shift focus on that project, explaining that after some time with Teamwork, it just didn't feel like the right fit for me? I was wondering why some of you think options A/B would not work in this case/be welcome?
I don’t think it’s worthwhile because
A) "My organization has not been doing well financially. A lot of people have been laid off and/or fired in the last few years, and overall morale is not high."
B) "I'm scared in general because our small team went from, like, 5 projects to 20+, and I was told this was the new normal, and to get used to it. "
C) "I feel like there is no regard for our well being or needs"
It sounds like you’ve put a lot of work into the organization and you don’t want to see it fail, but don’t let your sunk cost (or the symptom named "Debbie") distract you from the fact that your overall position is headed downhill with no bottom in sight.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:57 PM on October 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
I don’t think it’s worthwhile because
A) "My organization has not been doing well financially. A lot of people have been laid off and/or fired in the last few years, and overall morale is not high."
B) "I'm scared in general because our small team went from, like, 5 projects to 20+, and I was told this was the new normal, and to get used to it. "
C) "I feel like there is no regard for our well being or needs"
It sounds like you’ve put a lot of work into the organization and you don’t want to see it fail, but don’t let your sunk cost (or the symptom named "Debbie") distract you from the fact that your overall position is headed downhill with no bottom in sight.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:57 PM on October 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
Chiming in again to clarify that I think the fatal issue here is that your boss seems to really like Debbie. If your boss were indifferent, I'd have been less inclined to suggest that you might be being set up. As it is, though, I suspect - nay, I know - that your boss is going to choose Debbie when the rubber hits the road.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 3:25 PM on October 3, 2019
posted by easy, lucky, free at 3:25 PM on October 3, 2019
Re: stonewall (potentially just grey wall). It came from leaning into hitting the wall with communication and realising that me at my most frustrated (im still naturally polite at work, my general passiveness means I just get sad and brisk not angry) pretty much led to the same response and outcome as when I spent a heap of emotion energy trying to be good and pleasant. I think my boss was so self involved she barely noticed a difference. So making the call to expend no emotional energy pretending to be upbeat. Interact blankly. It actually came a bit of an experiment then to see if she'd ever notice and ask if I was OK. (She never did.)
posted by hotcoroner at 1:25 AM on October 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by hotcoroner at 1:25 AM on October 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
A conversation I may have with your director to feel out the waters is what they see as Debbie's role and how you can best support each other on the team. You will either get a confirmation that she may be overstepping but is tolerated due to her good work or that how everything is going is how it should be in their eyes.
posted by typecloud at 8:05 AM on October 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by typecloud at 8:05 AM on October 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
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Unfortunately my read on the situation is that your only moves are to leave, to keep your head down, or to find someone who outranks your boss and let them know what's happening.
Debbie is too insensitive and heavy handed to learn from any feedback you might give. She'll only get offended and become more critical.
Your boss was dissatisfied with how things were going and brought in Debbie to change them. Resisting Debbie = resisting the reform that your boss thinks is necessary.
The "good" news, I think?, is that they've put you in this central role. I can't tell if that makes you second in command under Debbie or if it makes you more like her admin assistant.
The bad news is that she sounds like an awful supervisor. Critiquing your email like that is really undermining and shouldn't be done unless you really need improvement. Some of what you mention (editing docs and taking over meetings) is happening because she and your boss see her as managing and outranking you, and in that context, it's normal. But it's weird that she's acting like staff when she's a consultant.
I'd start looking for new jobs, between the overwork, financial problems, Debbie's management style, your director's weird combination of being dissatisfied but not leading the change themselves, and Debbie's ominous comments about this being crucial to the team's survival.
In the meantime, maybe stay as far away from this as possible. (Could you develop a big interest in whichever project is most sheltered from her horrible intrusion and then campaign to get moved there?) Keep your head down, do what you can.
posted by salvia at 11:00 PM on October 2, 2019 [1 favorite]