Am I wrong to feel hurt?
April 24, 2019 2:22 PM Subscribe
I'm taking my SO to NYC for a week for her birthday. She just informed me that she's been encouraging a mutual friend to join us.
Her reasoning is that our friend is recently single and could use the time away and that she'd only be with us half the days.
I'm extremely hurt that my SO would extend any sort of invite to someone else on a weekend she knows I have planned for us, am I nuts or out of line here?
Her reasoning is that our friend is recently single and could use the time away and that she'd only be with us half the days.
I'm extremely hurt that my SO would extend any sort of invite to someone else on a weekend she knows I have planned for us, am I nuts or out of line here?
You're not wrong.
At worst, you're being friend-zoned.
At best, I can see that she wants to befriend her friend, especially in a time, of need, but she should have discussed it with you before going to her friend. (imho).
posted by at at 2:28 PM on April 24, 2019 [8 favorites]
At worst, you're being friend-zoned.
At best, I can see that she wants to befriend her friend, especially in a time, of need, but she should have discussed it with you before going to her friend. (imho).
posted by at at 2:28 PM on April 24, 2019 [8 favorites]
You aren’t wrong to feel any way others make you feel. However, I would (and have) felt the same when my former partner would invite his friends to events I had planned as more private time for us. In this case the best plan of action is to just let your partner know how you feel and discuss it.
posted by Young Kullervo at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2019 [18 favorites]
Did she ask you first? If not, then no, she doesn't get to control the birthday present you're giving her. Depending on the length of the relationship, this can definitely be "I don't care enough about you to spend an entire weekend with nobody but you."
posted by Melismata at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
Some of this really depends on the relationship the two of you have but also on how you proposed the weekend. My SO and I have been together eleven years and we've pretty much worked out that calling something a "date" means no adding people and otherwise it's ok to add people. Ditto with other pretty specific words like "romantic." I will often invite my sister to things for just the reasons your girlfriend states if me and my SO are just doing random things. That said, we're pretty specific about things like birthdays, about it being "Our day" so a thing like "Hey it's my birthday, I want to bring some friends" makes sense. "Hey it's my birthday so I want to invite someone else along on something you were planning as a romantic weekend" less so. Also I don't know where you live, like is the friend being invited to share a hotel or AirBnB or something? If so, I'd say that's more out of line than "We're taking the train in and out on the same day"
In short, you feel how you feel but if I were you I'd at least say "Hey we may have had a miscommunication here..." You can still feel bad even if you're not blaming her for it (and I'd be suuuuuper careful with how you word it) and she can still have done nothing wrong but accidentally stepped on your toes. If I had done this to my SO by accident, I'd want to know about it. I do agree there's some edge case possibility this is a "Hey we need to talk..." flag, but that wouldn't be my first thought.
posted by jessamyn at 2:37 PM on April 24, 2019 [23 favorites]
In short, you feel how you feel but if I were you I'd at least say "Hey we may have had a miscommunication here..." You can still feel bad even if you're not blaming her for it (and I'd be suuuuuper careful with how you word it) and she can still have done nothing wrong but accidentally stepped on your toes. If I had done this to my SO by accident, I'd want to know about it. I do agree there's some edge case possibility this is a "Hey we need to talk..." flag, but that wouldn't be my first thought.
posted by jessamyn at 2:37 PM on April 24, 2019 [23 favorites]
How soon is this? If it's like next week, i'm not sure what i'd do, but if it's a month out or more i'd absolutely want to sit down and talk about this. I don't think it's out of line at all to feel weird energy here.
posted by emptythought at 2:51 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by emptythought at 2:51 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
A week is a long time. Long enough for you and your SO to do your couple-y stuff and to hang out with the mutual friend. There may even be things you or your SO would prefer to do with the mutual friend instead of each other such as shopping, attending a sporting event, or going to really touristy places.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:52 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:52 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
Note - the OP says the trip is for a week, not a weekend.
OP, I think it might also be useful for people to know a bit more about your relationship. If you’ve been together a couple of months and are in your early 20s, this reads more like “Eek! I’m not ready to spend a whole week one-to-one with you and am trying to get a little space into this arrangement.” If you’re older and longer-established, it sounds more plausible that she’s just really sad for her friend and has been a bit un-thoughtful about your feelings.
But yeah, either way I think I’d be miffed too, especially if she’d done it without asking. And either way, the thing to do is talk to her about it.
posted by penguin pie at 2:54 PM on April 24, 2019 [13 favorites]
OP, I think it might also be useful for people to know a bit more about your relationship. If you’ve been together a couple of months and are in your early 20s, this reads more like “Eek! I’m not ready to spend a whole week one-to-one with you and am trying to get a little space into this arrangement.” If you’re older and longer-established, it sounds more plausible that she’s just really sad for her friend and has been a bit un-thoughtful about your feelings.
But yeah, either way I think I’d be miffed too, especially if she’d done it without asking. And either way, the thing to do is talk to her about it.
posted by penguin pie at 2:54 PM on April 24, 2019 [13 favorites]
You feel how you feel, and that's not wrong. But secretly stewing about it and being resentful about it without telling her would be wrong, or at least not a good way to handle it, in my opinion. You should either say, "Hey, I planned this to be a special week for just the two of us. You should've asked me first." Or, you should decide that, hey, it's her birthday and she wants to use the present to help out a friend and let it go.
I am sure your SO isn't thinking about it in the same way you are and has no idea you're hurt, so just feeling hurt and not doing anything about it probably won't help. I wonder if there is more context we are missing, i.e. is this the latest in a string of examples where you feel your SO is less invested in couple time? That may change how much this should bother you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:56 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
I am sure your SO isn't thinking about it in the same way you are and has no idea you're hurt, so just feeling hurt and not doing anything about it probably won't help. I wonder if there is more context we are missing, i.e. is this the latest in a string of examples where you feel your SO is less invested in couple time? That may change how much this should bother you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:56 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
When you say you are taking her, are you paying for the trip? Or is this a vacation that you are both paying for but happens to be for her birthday? I'm not suggesting that's the most important element in this situation, but it might make a difference in how she's thinking about it.
I do think it would have been reasonable for her to say, "Hey, we've got this trip planned. I was thinking of asking Friend to join us for a few days because she's been blue. What do you think?" But this can vary so much depending on your relationship and the dynamics you all have together.
You asked if you're "wrong" to feel hurt. Of course not! Maybe you are asking if she was behaving inconsiderately? The thing is... it depends.
I would say it would be "wrong" not to have a conversation with her along the lines of, "I had thought this was a special trip just for the two of us, and I'm hurt you didn't ask me before making plans with others."
It's also possible she thought that because it's for her birthday, she should have more say in your plans of how to spend that time?
posted by bluedaisy at 3:03 PM on April 24, 2019
I do think it would have been reasonable for her to say, "Hey, we've got this trip planned. I was thinking of asking Friend to join us for a few days because she's been blue. What do you think?" But this can vary so much depending on your relationship and the dynamics you all have together.
You asked if you're "wrong" to feel hurt. Of course not! Maybe you are asking if she was behaving inconsiderately? The thing is... it depends.
I would say it would be "wrong" not to have a conversation with her along the lines of, "I had thought this was a special trip just for the two of us, and I'm hurt you didn't ask me before making plans with others."
It's also possible she thought that because it's for her birthday, she should have more say in your plans of how to spend that time?
posted by bluedaisy at 3:03 PM on April 24, 2019
Response by poster: Thanks all, a few clarifications:
- best friends a couple years then more than friends the past year and a bit.
- the trip is for 6 days, leaving in one week.
- NYC is 5 hours by plane from our home city.
- we've traveled together before, no issue there.
- I am paying for flights and hotels.
I've talked to both of them, expressed to SO that the activities I am planning are really catering to SO's tastes and are things for her and I to do together (our friend would not share many of these interests). I expressed to SO that i am surprised that either of them would think this was ok and to plan it, even tentatively, without talking to me, she has apologized and expressed how she is distracted as she isn't in a great place lately (this is true) and was thoughtless.
I'm certainly not upset that she would invite, she is a deeply empathic and caring person, I am hurt that either of them would think there would be no need to loop me in AND that either of them would think this would be ok, knowing what has been put into the trip.
I've also said that if including our friend is what she really does want then let's do it, we can make that work, it just wasn't what I had in mind and I handle change poorly.
posted by Twinge at 3:11 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
- best friends a couple years then more than friends the past year and a bit.
- the trip is for 6 days, leaving in one week.
- NYC is 5 hours by plane from our home city.
- we've traveled together before, no issue there.
- I am paying for flights and hotels.
I've talked to both of them, expressed to SO that the activities I am planning are really catering to SO's tastes and are things for her and I to do together (our friend would not share many of these interests). I expressed to SO that i am surprised that either of them would think this was ok and to plan it, even tentatively, without talking to me, she has apologized and expressed how she is distracted as she isn't in a great place lately (this is true) and was thoughtless.
I'm certainly not upset that she would invite, she is a deeply empathic and caring person, I am hurt that either of them would think there would be no need to loop me in AND that either of them would think this would be ok, knowing what has been put into the trip.
I've also said that if including our friend is what she really does want then let's do it, we can make that work, it just wasn't what I had in mind and I handle change poorly.
posted by Twinge at 3:11 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
You don't handle change poorly. I think you are perfectly in the right to feel hurt by this.
Your SO was thoughtless and she knows it. Just because she isn't in a good place right now doesn't justify that. She is an adult. She knew better and admitted so.
Now you have to decide if you want to keep talking to her about it (which I'd be doing, but YMMV) to evaluate how best to proceed, or just put it behind you and go on the trip knowing you put your foot down vs letting yourself be walked over.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:20 PM on April 24, 2019 [13 favorites]
Your SO was thoughtless and she knows it. Just because she isn't in a good place right now doesn't justify that. She is an adult. She knew better and admitted so.
Now you have to decide if you want to keep talking to her about it (which I'd be doing, but YMMV) to evaluate how best to proceed, or just put it behind you and go on the trip knowing you put your foot down vs letting yourself be walked over.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:20 PM on April 24, 2019 [13 favorites]
I expressed to SO that i am surprised that either of them would think this was ok and to plan it, even tentatively, without talking to me, she has apologized and expressed how she is distracted as she isn't in a great place lately (this is true) and was thoughtless.
This sounds like it went pretty well. Your SO apologized. I think it's time for you to decide to forgive her and move on. If you can't forgive her and feel like this is part of a bigger pattern or issue, then you might spend some time thinking about that and what that means.
Yet, you then proceed to say you are still hurt. Are you still getting over it? That's not unreasonable. But if you accept her apology, then I think you have to decide to try to move forward and make the best of your week.
Also, after what seemed like a pretty healthy resolution, you added:
I've also said that if including our friend is what she really does want then let's do it, we can make that work, it just wasn't what I had in mind and I handle change poorly.
This is a hell of a mixed message. It's a bit passive aggressive, really. You are saying that you don't want the friend to go, but if your partner wants the friend to go, the friend can go. Why not just accept the apology and the friend not going and move on? This seems to be putting your partner in a tricky spot. Which do you really mean -- that you don't handle change poorly and are hurt that she invited the friend to go, or that it's okay if the friend goes? Both of these things can be true, but it seems like you're throwing it back to her. Is that a test of sorts? To see if she'll choose you or not?
posted by bluedaisy at 3:30 PM on April 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
This sounds like it went pretty well. Your SO apologized. I think it's time for you to decide to forgive her and move on. If you can't forgive her and feel like this is part of a bigger pattern or issue, then you might spend some time thinking about that and what that means.
Yet, you then proceed to say you are still hurt. Are you still getting over it? That's not unreasonable. But if you accept her apology, then I think you have to decide to try to move forward and make the best of your week.
Also, after what seemed like a pretty healthy resolution, you added:
I've also said that if including our friend is what she really does want then let's do it, we can make that work, it just wasn't what I had in mind and I handle change poorly.
This is a hell of a mixed message. It's a bit passive aggressive, really. You are saying that you don't want the friend to go, but if your partner wants the friend to go, the friend can go. Why not just accept the apology and the friend not going and move on? This seems to be putting your partner in a tricky spot. Which do you really mean -- that you don't handle change poorly and are hurt that she invited the friend to go, or that it's okay if the friend goes? Both of these things can be true, but it seems like you're throwing it back to her. Is that a test of sorts? To see if she'll choose you or not?
posted by bluedaisy at 3:30 PM on April 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
This is a hell of a mixed message
I don't know, this makes sense to me as someone who doesn't deal with changes of plans very well. "Look hey I was really not planning on your friend being part of this for $REASONS but it's your special day, not mine, so if this is something you would really like, let's find a way to make it work and I will deal with my weird feelings."
posted by jessamyn at 3:43 PM on April 24, 2019 [23 favorites]
I don't know, this makes sense to me as someone who doesn't deal with changes of plans very well. "Look hey I was really not planning on your friend being part of this for $REASONS but it's your special day, not mine, so if this is something you would really like, let's find a way to make it work and I will deal with my weird feelings."
posted by jessamyn at 3:43 PM on April 24, 2019 [23 favorites]
- I am paying for flights and hotels.
Yes, it is bogglingly thoughtless for her to assume she can bring a plus one on a week-long plane trip to NYC that her partner has planned and paid for. Your reaction is normal and understandable.
I've also said that if including our friend is what she really does want then let's do it, we can make that work, it just wasn't what I had in mind and I handle change poorly.
do you want to take the friend along? No? then don't offer to take her.
once you start chipping away at your own boundaries to 'be nice' or whatever the poison just floods in.
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:52 PM on April 24, 2019 [30 favorites]
Yes, it is bogglingly thoughtless for her to assume she can bring a plus one on a week-long plane trip to NYC that her partner has planned and paid for. Your reaction is normal and understandable.
I've also said that if including our friend is what she really does want then let's do it, we can make that work, it just wasn't what I had in mind and I handle change poorly.
do you want to take the friend along? No? then don't offer to take her.
once you start chipping away at your own boundaries to 'be nice' or whatever the poison just floods in.
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:52 PM on April 24, 2019 [30 favorites]
Dude, you spent some time planning this week and arranging stuff. Don't undervalue the effort or benefits to your relationship.
If friend is in a seriously bad place, maybe consider it, but make sure it's clear how big of a deal this is. If friend is really bummed but will be OK, then save that emergency energy for a more dire time.
posted by amtho at 4:30 PM on April 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
If friend is in a seriously bad place, maybe consider it, but make sure it's clear how big of a deal this is. If friend is really bummed but will be OK, then save that emergency energy for a more dire time.
posted by amtho at 4:30 PM on April 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
I don’t see the OP’s response as a mixed message or passive aggressive. The SO has created an extremely awkward situation where the friend is already invited, so not having the friend along now requires uninviting her. OP is stuck with either having the trip changed from what was originally planned (and paid for) or asking SO to be rude to her friend. OP seems to be bending over backward to fix a problem created solely by SO.
OP, please don’t attribute your problem with this to you “handling change poorly.” Your SO should not have made a major change to your plans together without discussing with you first. I find this pretty egregious and would want to talk to SO to make sure this is just thoughtless and not an indication of problems with the relationship. I don’t know your relationship of course, but my first thought would be that maybe SO wants to dial back to being friends. If it is just thoughtless, I’d want to be really clear it wouldn’t happen again.
posted by FencingGal at 4:36 PM on April 24, 2019 [12 favorites]
OP, please don’t attribute your problem with this to you “handling change poorly.” Your SO should not have made a major change to your plans together without discussing with you first. I find this pretty egregious and would want to talk to SO to make sure this is just thoughtless and not an indication of problems with the relationship. I don’t know your relationship of course, but my first thought would be that maybe SO wants to dial back to being friends. If it is just thoughtless, I’d want to be really clear it wouldn’t happen again.
posted by FencingGal at 4:36 PM on April 24, 2019 [12 favorites]
Could your SO swing the time off to take a separate trip with her friend?
posted by kate4914 at 4:36 PM on April 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by kate4914 at 4:36 PM on April 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think there might be more to this than your SO is letting on, but it depends on her typical preferences about mixing friends into activities. There are people I know who love traveling in a pack and always having an open house, always inviting people to tag along to dinner with their SO, etc. Then there are people who specifically plan to have time apart for just them and their SOs and it would be totally out of character for them to text me and invite me to their dinner date.
When you were just friends with your current SO, was this other friend a part of the friend group, or is this someone who’s close to your SO but not as much to you?
Has your SO struggled at times with reconciling your history as friends together with your current status as a romantic pairing?
If this feels strange to you compared to how she usually is, then I would value your gut feeling on that and have a more extended conversation.
posted by sallybrown at 4:38 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
When you were just friends with your current SO, was this other friend a part of the friend group, or is this someone who’s close to your SO but not as much to you?
Has your SO struggled at times with reconciling your history as friends together with your current status as a romantic pairing?
If this feels strange to you compared to how she usually is, then I would value your gut feeling on that and have a more extended conversation.
posted by sallybrown at 4:38 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
Just looked at your previous questions. Is this the same person who seemed to want to be in a relationship without really wanting to be in a relationship? Who was very anti-commitment? If it is, it seems much more likely that SO might be trying to move you back to being just friends without actually talking to you about it. Bringing another person on what’s supposed to be a romantic trip is a sitcom way of letting you know she’s questioning the relationship.
You guys really, really need to have a talk about this, and she needs to be honest with you about where she sees your relationship going and what she really wants. You say she’s deeply empathetic and caring, but she’s not being nice to you.
I’m sorry. You deserve better.
posted by FencingGal at 4:48 PM on April 24, 2019 [24 favorites]
You guys really, really need to have a talk about this, and she needs to be honest with you about where she sees your relationship going and what she really wants. You say she’s deeply empathetic and caring, but she’s not being nice to you.
I’m sorry. You deserve better.
posted by FencingGal at 4:48 PM on April 24, 2019 [24 favorites]
Maybe this is fine? If so, she owes you big.
posted by unknowncommand at 5:55 PM on April 24, 2019
posted by unknowncommand at 5:55 PM on April 24, 2019
I don't quite get the details here...SO's friend was buying her own ticket and staying in her own hotel room, yes?
Are you really planning on being romantic 24/7 for a whole week? No plans to do anything on your own? Nothing she wants to do that you're just not into?
I would consider this odd for a romantic weekend, but not so strange for three days(?) of a full week, as long as the friend showed some discretion and wasn't just hanging off you for the full 72 hours.
That said, it hurt your feelings, you've told your SO it hurt your feelings, and she's apologized, so I guess I'm wondering why you're still holding onto this. Going to Internet strangers for validation of your side in a relatively trivial fight with your SO after she's apologized is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
posted by praemunire at 6:00 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
Are you really planning on being romantic 24/7 for a whole week? No plans to do anything on your own? Nothing she wants to do that you're just not into?
I would consider this odd for a romantic weekend, but not so strange for three days(?) of a full week, as long as the friend showed some discretion and wasn't just hanging off you for the full 72 hours.
That said, it hurt your feelings, you've told your SO it hurt your feelings, and she's apologized, so I guess I'm wondering why you're still holding onto this. Going to Internet strangers for validation of your side in a relatively trivial fight with your SO after she's apologized is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
posted by praemunire at 6:00 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
You talked to her, she expressed regret, apologized, and explained her action. You agree that she's been in a bad place lately. It's time to move forward. Try to reach a compromise with her. If Friend really wants to come, and GF really wants her there, fine. But you'd like certain hours and days set aside for just you too. Maybe friend can plan to spend three half mornings with you then move along. Whatever it takes. Sitting down, talking, and reaching an agreement will be better and more productive than sitting in anger over something she's already apologized for.
posted by Amy93 at 6:03 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Amy93 at 6:03 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
Are you sure your S.O. views you as an actual S.O. and not a “‘more-than-friends-but-not-a-partner”? Unless you guys are living together as a couple, from a quick read of the question and the followup, it sounds like maybe she wants a third person there so it’s not seen as a “couple” trip.
posted by blueberry at 6:36 PM on April 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by blueberry at 6:36 PM on April 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
Give the friend your ticket.
Tell your SO (?) that when they are interested in traveling with you to let you know.
Start looking for an apartment.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:46 PM on April 24, 2019 [12 favorites]
Tell your SO (?) that when they are interested in traveling with you to let you know.
Start looking for an apartment.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:46 PM on April 24, 2019 [12 favorites]
Is the friend sharing a hotel room with you while in NY?
How old is everyone? In my experience group trips like this are common early to mid twenties because people have a lot of guilt about leaving people out of things, and also generally bad boundaries.
Can you change your flight only so you arrive or depart before/after friend leaves? You'll still have gifted your SO a nice week and get the solo time you want. Bonus: friend can then pay for the fucking hotel room while you're not there. This sounds so annoying.
I'm not one to suck things up for three days. Id be pissed and grumpy and it would cast a pall over the trip.
posted by perdhapley at 7:35 PM on April 24, 2019
How old is everyone? In my experience group trips like this are common early to mid twenties because people have a lot of guilt about leaving people out of things, and also generally bad boundaries.
Can you change your flight only so you arrive or depart before/after friend leaves? You'll still have gifted your SO a nice week and get the solo time you want. Bonus: friend can then pay for the fucking hotel room while you're not there. This sounds so annoying.
I'm not one to suck things up for three days. Id be pissed and grumpy and it would cast a pall over the trip.
posted by perdhapley at 7:35 PM on April 24, 2019
I’m not on board with "she apologized, why are you still hanging onto this?”, since the weekend you'd been planning sounds like it still involves a third wheel and you're now going to have to pretend it doesn't bother you and/or make your own activity schedule to accommodate. If someone offered to take me to NYC for my birthday, I would never assume it was a "gift" for me to do whatever I like with (invite friends or family) - that would be childish.
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:12 PM on April 24, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:12 PM on April 24, 2019 [7 favorites]
So your girlfriend has told you that you’re paying for her friend’s flights and accomodation? Wow how incredibly generous of her. I wonder what she can gift her friend with next using your cash! Maybe a car or maybe you’ll be buying them all designer handbags while they’re there. Who knows? You certainly don’t, you’re just getting told after the fact.
It sounds like your girlfriend doesn’t actually want you there at all but your money is welcome to come along. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt until I read the backstory to all of this. Judging by your past questions, are you sure that you’re not actually paying for a romantic weekend for the two of them instead, because for all I know, you’re the third wheel in this situation.
She seems to have been dragged into this relationship kicking and screaming right from the beginning and inviting her friend along on the vacation seems designed at a bare minimum to distance herself from you and send you a message.
The kicker is that even after you told her that you’re disappointed and upset, she apologised - but she’s still going ahead with it anyway. And you’re still covering all of it. I guess she’s not that sorry.
Your ‘girlfriend’ has told you right from the start using her words, that she’s not committed to you. Now she’s showing you with her actions. I’d be tempted to tell her to have a great week away with her friend, you’ll be bowing out of it, transfer everything in their names and ask for them to pay you both back. I know how exhausting it is to try and constantly convince someone to want to be with you. You deserve more.
posted by Jubey at 8:25 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds like your girlfriend doesn’t actually want you there at all but your money is welcome to come along. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt until I read the backstory to all of this. Judging by your past questions, are you sure that you’re not actually paying for a romantic weekend for the two of them instead, because for all I know, you’re the third wheel in this situation.
She seems to have been dragged into this relationship kicking and screaming right from the beginning and inviting her friend along on the vacation seems designed at a bare minimum to distance herself from you and send you a message.
The kicker is that even after you told her that you’re disappointed and upset, she apologised - but she’s still going ahead with it anyway. And you’re still covering all of it. I guess she’s not that sorry.
Your ‘girlfriend’ has told you right from the start using her words, that she’s not committed to you. Now she’s showing you with her actions. I’d be tempted to tell her to have a great week away with her friend, you’ll be bowing out of it, transfer everything in their names and ask for them to pay you both back. I know how exhausting it is to try and constantly convince someone to want to be with you. You deserve more.
posted by Jubey at 8:25 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
I posted earlier without reading your question history, but after doing so I would encourage you to reread the answers. All of your initial issues have repeated here. SO is thoughtless of you, again (as with acid trip), while you describe her as caring and empathetic (towards other people). She doesn't want to do relationship "work", but you do (and did, by planning this trip).
Seems like you see her as your primary romantic relationship, but she doesn't see you the same way. This is another example of you two not resolving the fundamental divide in your relationship: you want a girlfriend and she doesn't want to be one. In that light her behavior here is utterly consistent.
If you don't want to share you should say so. To pretend otherwise is dishonest. You think you're getting what you want by going along with this ambiguity in status, but you can't keep martyring yourself and swallowing your feelings. Well, you can, but its just going to keep hurting.
posted by perdhapley at 9:44 PM on April 24, 2019 [13 favorites]
Seems like you see her as your primary romantic relationship, but she doesn't see you the same way. This is another example of you two not resolving the fundamental divide in your relationship: you want a girlfriend and she doesn't want to be one. In that light her behavior here is utterly consistent.
If you don't want to share you should say so. To pretend otherwise is dishonest. You think you're getting what you want by going along with this ambiguity in status, but you can't keep martyring yourself and swallowing your feelings. Well, you can, but its just going to keep hurting.
posted by perdhapley at 9:44 PM on April 24, 2019 [13 favorites]
transfer everything in their names and ask for them to pay you both back.
posted by Jubey at 10:25 PM on April 24
Good luck with that ...
posted by dancestoblue at 10:27 PM on April 24, 2019
posted by Jubey at 10:25 PM on April 24
Good luck with that ...
posted by dancestoblue at 10:27 PM on April 24, 2019
Response by poster: So many answers, thank you all.
I spoke with the mutual friend, she's someone SO and I are both close with. The friend's story was pretty much "Uh... I was almost totally kidding, I expressed FOMO about your trip and (SO) encouraged me to come, I told her the airfare was too much, I would never butt in on your trip, SO told me the airfare isn't really that expensive."
So...yeah...at this point SO and I will do the trip and then a big talk when we get home, currently I feel like I'm done with the whole thing.
posted by Twinge at 11:53 PM on April 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
I spoke with the mutual friend, she's someone SO and I are both close with. The friend's story was pretty much "Uh... I was almost totally kidding, I expressed FOMO about your trip and (SO) encouraged me to come, I told her the airfare was too much, I would never butt in on your trip, SO told me the airfare isn't really that expensive."
So...yeah...at this point SO and I will do the trip and then a big talk when we get home, currently I feel like I'm done with the whole thing.
posted by Twinge at 11:53 PM on April 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
So even after the friend had the grace to recognise it was a romantic trip and protested against coming along, your girlfriend tried to convince her... yep, time for that conversation.
posted by Jubey at 12:39 AM on April 25, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 12:39 AM on April 25, 2019 [15 favorites]
Is your SO also your BFF 3 from previous questions, with whom you've had some difficulties navigating poly relationships and your wish for primacy? Is your mutual friend BFF 1 or 2 from previous questions (the poly couple, who perhaps have broken up)? Asking because that seems like a really important aspect of this question if so - apologies if I'm reading too much into your posting history. Regardless - you are entitled to your feelings and I would feel the same if I were in your shoes - especially if the answers to my questions above are both "yes".
posted by pammeke at 5:59 AM on April 25, 2019
posted by pammeke at 5:59 AM on April 25, 2019
Response by poster: Yes, same SO as older questions. No, the friend is just a friend, we don't see the poly couple much anymore.
posted by Twinge at 7:11 AM on April 25, 2019
posted by Twinge at 7:11 AM on April 25, 2019
Thank you, that is helpful.
I completely understand your feeling upset. Getting to a place of commitment with your SO was a journey (as of June last year, that commitment was not established). Has your relationship continued to feel somewhat tenuous in this respect? Do you still worry a lot about your SO losing interest or scaling back their commitment to you? Have you noted a scaling back of commitment in the lead-up to this birthday trip?
Regardless - to answer your question: you are not wrong to feel hurt. It sounds like a perfectly natural response under the circumstances. That said - I am also a deeply empathetic person and could see myself (especially my younger self) doing what your SO has done, completely innocently.
The concern I have is: could this be a sign of her pulling back, and perhaps are you asking on the green about this because it's a more tangible sign of something you've been fearing (for reasons founded or unfounded) for some time? Is that perhaps at the root of your question, that you're trying to parse her behavior, and the other "little" things you were able to slot under "she's going through a hard time right now" whereas this feels a bit less like it fits under that heading?
And this might be wildly off base, but: is it possible that on some level she worries that this trip to NYC may be a bigger deal than she is ready for? Is the birthday a milestone one? Could she be worried that you may be planning to propose on this trip, and might she not be ready for something like that? Or could you be secretly planning to propose and did her innocent empathetic invitation of your mutual friend throw your secret planning into disarray?
Sorry to ask so many questions, but that's what I'm pondering.
posted by pammeke at 7:24 AM on April 25, 2019 [2 favorites]
I completely understand your feeling upset. Getting to a place of commitment with your SO was a journey (as of June last year, that commitment was not established). Has your relationship continued to feel somewhat tenuous in this respect? Do you still worry a lot about your SO losing interest or scaling back their commitment to you? Have you noted a scaling back of commitment in the lead-up to this birthday trip?
Regardless - to answer your question: you are not wrong to feel hurt. It sounds like a perfectly natural response under the circumstances. That said - I am also a deeply empathetic person and could see myself (especially my younger self) doing what your SO has done, completely innocently.
The concern I have is: could this be a sign of her pulling back, and perhaps are you asking on the green about this because it's a more tangible sign of something you've been fearing (for reasons founded or unfounded) for some time? Is that perhaps at the root of your question, that you're trying to parse her behavior, and the other "little" things you were able to slot under "she's going through a hard time right now" whereas this feels a bit less like it fits under that heading?
And this might be wildly off base, but: is it possible that on some level she worries that this trip to NYC may be a bigger deal than she is ready for? Is the birthday a milestone one? Could she be worried that you may be planning to propose on this trip, and might she not be ready for something like that? Or could you be secretly planning to propose and did her innocent empathetic invitation of your mutual friend throw your secret planning into disarray?
Sorry to ask so many questions, but that's what I'm pondering.
posted by pammeke at 7:24 AM on April 25, 2019 [2 favorites]
So...yeah...at this point SO and I will do the trip and then a big talk when we get home, currently I feel like I'm done with the whole thing.
I would deal with this before the trip, and possibly cancel and eat the cost if it didn't feel resolved.
I've gone on multiple trips with someone i was dating, where something like this was looming. I regret ALL of them, except for the parts where i split off and did my own thing/met up with friends in that city solo. What an utter fucking waste of my time and emotional drain on my life force
Only do this if you genuinely feel like there wont be resentment or weird energy while you're traveling
posted by emptythought at 10:17 AM on April 25, 2019 [7 favorites]
I would deal with this before the trip, and possibly cancel and eat the cost if it didn't feel resolved.
I've gone on multiple trips with someone i was dating, where something like this was looming. I regret ALL of them, except for the parts where i split off and did my own thing/met up with friends in that city solo. What an utter fucking waste of my time and emotional drain on my life force
Only do this if you genuinely feel like there wont be resentment or weird energy while you're traveling
posted by emptythought at 10:17 AM on April 25, 2019 [7 favorites]
Please do talk before the trip, and if needed, take the trip by yourself as a chance to relax, think things through, and recover.
posted by FencingGal at 1:08 PM on April 25, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 1:08 PM on April 25, 2019 [4 favorites]
Talk before the trip. If you don’t, you’re going to have the tension of needing to talk and possibly being done hanging over the whole thing and it’s going to be stressful. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but a trip with someone you’re about to split with is going to be much less fun than going alone.
posted by bile and syntax at 4:27 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by bile and syntax at 4:27 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: pammeke:
She definitely is pulling back, despite her best efforts her experience exploring her own sexuality in the poly arena kind of blew up in her face. Her current feeling is a desire for complete emotional shutdown, her decision point now is whether this includes me or not. She is lost and sinking, I am more than willing to back off (and have to an extent) if it would help, she is the most amazing person I have ever been bonded to but I'm not insane and am not going to squeeze to hold on to her.
She very much wants this trip, the distraction and the time away. She does have a small concern about the fact that I am paying for part of this trip because she reads way, way too much into things. In reality I am simply paying because currently I can, she has done similar for me in the past.
Dear god no, I am not planning anything overtly romantic this trip at all let alone proposal, yikes.
posted by Twinge at 9:55 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
She definitely is pulling back, despite her best efforts her experience exploring her own sexuality in the poly arena kind of blew up in her face. Her current feeling is a desire for complete emotional shutdown, her decision point now is whether this includes me or not. She is lost and sinking, I am more than willing to back off (and have to an extent) if it would help, she is the most amazing person I have ever been bonded to but I'm not insane and am not going to squeeze to hold on to her.
She very much wants this trip, the distraction and the time away. She does have a small concern about the fact that I am paying for part of this trip because she reads way, way too much into things. In reality I am simply paying because currently I can, she has done similar for me in the past.
Dear god no, I am not planning anything overtly romantic this trip at all let alone proposal, yikes.
posted by Twinge at 9:55 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm probably like you in that I'd feel hurt about this. To be honest, I would probably feel a little hurt (or like We Need To Talk) if an SO even just asked if she could invite a friend, because wanting to invite a friend to what I intended as a trip for us to spend quality time together would be a flag that she's not seeing things the same way as I do. But quality time one-on-one is a big deal to me and it's important to me to date people who feel the same way as I do.
Would you feel good about going on, and having paid for her portion of, this trip if you were just friends? If your relationship structure had changed to "just friends" a few weeks ago? I think sometimes it is too easy to make excuses for people's behavior or ignore the way it doesn't match what we need in partners (whether that is level of investment in the relationship or valuing quality time with partners or whatever) when we're really attracted to them.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:15 AM on April 26, 2019
Would you feel good about going on, and having paid for her portion of, this trip if you were just friends? If your relationship structure had changed to "just friends" a few weeks ago? I think sometimes it is too easy to make excuses for people's behavior or ignore the way it doesn't match what we need in partners (whether that is level of investment in the relationship or valuing quality time with partners or whatever) when we're really attracted to them.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:15 AM on April 26, 2019
She does have a small concern about the fact that I am paying for part of this trip because she reads way, way too much into things. In reality I am simply paying because currently I can, she has done similar for me in the past.
It doesn’t seem to me like she’s reading too much into things. Given your description here and in the past questions it’s pretty clear you want a relationship with her so much that you’re willing to accept pretty much wherever terms she sets on it. Whereas she seems unsure that she wants any relationship at all. So your paying for the trip could be another example for her of a “traditional” gesture that is beyond what she’s comfortable with.
posted by sallybrown at 9:21 AM on April 26, 2019 [9 favorites]
It doesn’t seem to me like she’s reading too much into things. Given your description here and in the past questions it’s pretty clear you want a relationship with her so much that you’re willing to accept pretty much wherever terms she sets on it. Whereas she seems unsure that she wants any relationship at all. So your paying for the trip could be another example for her of a “traditional” gesture that is beyond what she’s comfortable with.
posted by sallybrown at 9:21 AM on April 26, 2019 [9 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by raccoon409 at 2:27 PM on April 24, 2019 [3 favorites]