Step away from my job!

March 21, 2019 10:03 AM

My partner has decided to pursue the same career path as me. Why am I so upset about this and how can I be supportive instead?

I am a successful woman fairly early in my career in male-dominated tech field. I went back to school in my mid-20s, worked hard for my career and dealt with a lot of male bullshit along the way. My boyfriend of one year works a difficult manual labour job and has been thinking recently about making a career change. We are both around 30 and very much in love. I have always been supportive of whatever he was thinking of doing, but now he has decided to do the exact same thing as me and take the same school program as I took. This really bothers me but I can't put my finger on why.

I have always been a high performer and was interested in tech since childhood but I still dealt with a ton of self-doubt and imposter syndrome all up to today. And he just waltzes in with his male confidence like "oh, guess I'll do that too!" This feels like he doesn't respect the hard work I put into my career and maybe also that I will be on the hook for homework help or career advice, and I have no interest in playing the mom role. But he assures me this is not his expectation. Really, when it boils down to it I'm just childishly mad at him for "copying" my career.

Logically I know I have no good reason to be mad, but I'm actually really upset about this. The relationship has been idyllic so far and I don't want to ruin it with my petty bullshit. How do I get over this kindergarten stuff and be supportive?

posted by noxperpetua to Human Relations (33 answers total)

I don't blame you a bit for feeling that way. You *know* he's going to sail through the training program without encountering any of the crap you put up with. I would resent it, too.

Maybe he'll change his mind mid-way through...maybe not. You'll always know that you have seniority over him in the field.

This feels like he doesn't respect the hard work I put into my career...

Please tell him this. He needs to know at the outset not to be cocky about any success he may have in the field.
posted by BostonTerrier at 10:14 AM on March 21, 2019 [27 favorites]

I wonder if beyond being concerned by and a little bit insulted by his rosy expectations, you have some fear that your industry will support and validate them. I have a friend who has clawed her way up the tech ladder whose husband switched careers into an adjacent function to her in tech, got a job at her company, and was pretty quickly promoted to a seniority level above her. She’s not resentful of his success in their relationship but is really frustrated that his rise is her very personal proven case study that it IS always harder for her and it’s not fucking fair and it’s helped her for him to be very very aware of and acknowledge to her every step of the way.
posted by sestaaak at 10:24 AM on March 21, 2019 [68 favorites]

I think you have the right to be mad and I don't think you're being petty and I don't think it's bullshit. Sure, he's technically not doing anything that's offensive per se, but after what you've been through to achieve what you have, it is at best insensitive of him to do this. I think anyone in a particular career whose partner then up and decides "oh , I'll just do the same thing as you , if you can do it then so can I", would feel the same as you do right now.

Honestly it's a bit weird that they just want to copy you and take the same course as you. They have the right to do so, but it's still weird of them to not give you space in your identity. I am not sure I have any good advice to give besides just that your feelings are valid.

Maybe talk to your therapist and ask them for ways to express this frustration in a way that is non confrontational. (I'm terrible at that so that's why I'm not offering you what to say ;P)
posted by winterportage at 10:27 AM on March 21, 2019 [12 favorites]

So, firstly, I don't think it is childish to feel some level of anxiety or even to feel threatened by your partner moving into your field. For one, you could potentially be in competition with your partner for work and that could lead to all kinds of relationship friction and perhaps more so in Tech where women often have to work twice as hard just to be taken seriously. For another, people often like doing something different from their partners since it means you are doing something different and away from each other. Your career can be your own space and it can feel intrusive if the person you already share other aspects of your life with starts to appear there as well. I would also feel insulted and belittled if my partner assumed they could easily step into my position when they have no background in it.

That said, I'd also be a little flattered if my partner wanted to retrain to do the same kind of work as me. It would mean they had been paying attention to what I do for work and even thought it was a good career path! But my dynamic may be different from your dynamic and you should trust and investigate your own feelings. I do wonder how much of his decision and planned retraining is inspired by you? He's seen the success you've found after your program and must have some idea of what your job is like. He might not even have considered other options. He might just not like his current job, seen your success and think he might like the kind of work you do, and decided to try retraining. He probably hasn't considered that he might be minimizing your own hard work.

I think your first step, if you haven't already, is to talk to your partner about why they want to move into your career. Discuss how that makes you feel and any anxieties you have around it. I would also bring up the possibility of potential career competition and discuss how you would handle that if it happened.

After you've hashed the above out and if the career change is still a-go AND if you're still feeling negative about it then I would maybe discuss whether your partner could specialize in a different part of the job. Without knowing your exact career I'm just kind of assuming it is in software dev. Maybe your partner could focus on a different subspecialty? That way you're doing similar, but different work? Like if you do webdev maybe he can do databases. That might help put some space between the two of you in the professional world and make it feel less like he is moving in on your territory. It would also mean his career path would be a little different so if he has easy success (or none) neither of you will feel as bitter or resentful at a potential imbalance.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 10:36 AM on March 21, 2019 [7 favorites]

Also you should make it clear that you aren’t going to be doing his homework or doing any of the emotional labor of getting him to do his homework.
posted by rockindata at 10:36 AM on March 21, 2019 [8 favorites]

It sounds like your partner is introducing the possibility of competition into the picture, and for some people that is a relationship breaker.

I'd suggest that you talk to your partner and propose that neither of you talk about your work/field/school with each other, and simply stay on totally neutral topics that don't make you feel uncomfortable. If he is happy with going to school and doing the same type of job as you without ever discussing it then it probably means he is not doing it because secretly he figures he can do better and dominate you.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:54 AM on March 21, 2019 [9 favorites]

you're not being petty at all. It's rough when someone close decides to enter a professional sphere in which we've worked hard, and the gender aspect makes this even harder, and the fact that it's your romantic partner makes it even harder.

You're not being petty. If he had decided to move out of manual labor to go to, say, dental school, you'd be delighted for him, right? The problem is the encroachment on your thing. Your specific, EXACT thing.

I'm not sure what the right thing is for you to do, but I doubt that stifling it down in order to be "supportive" is going to be the best strategy.

"I love you and I'm excited you're going to do something new and I want you to succeed, but this particular thing is going to introduce such a weird dynamic for us, including direct competition, that I honestly wish you'd think about any other program." Because maybe he hasn't even thought about it being a bad idea. Maybe he thinks you're flattered and it's a thing you guys can do together!
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:55 AM on March 21, 2019 [14 favorites]

I don't think you're wrong to feel how you feel, nor should you ignore those feelings in order to try to be supportive.

now he has decided to do the exact same thing as me and take the same school program as I took.

Have you asked him why he wants to go into your field? Is it something that genuinely interests him? If so, why and how long has he been interested in it? If you weren't together, would he have pursued this path of his own accord?

On the surface, it looks like "I'm tired of my difficult manual labour job, I want out. OP seems to be doing well in her field, it seems like something I could do, I'll just do what she did (and she can help me with all my homework and get me job connections! Even if I say I won't bug her for those things!)" Like he's just grasping at whatever's closest to him. I could be totally wrong though.

Just be prepared for some potentially tough conversations.
posted by foxjacket at 11:05 AM on March 21, 2019 [3 favorites]

Speaking of homework, my wife helped me on a college paper once (for a shared class in her discipline), like Hermione-style totally rewriting it for me, and I ended up getting a better grade on it than she got on her own paper. That was twenty-three years ago and she's still pissed off about it.

Now I'm imagining if I'd shunted into her field, and her assistance leapfrogged me to eventual greater success than her own, average decent-looking white guy that I am. I don't know why this seems parasitical rather than a committed couple just helping each other out, but it sure does feel that way. Anyway, I'm glad it was just the one paper - I don't think our relationship would have survived a second.
posted by turkeybrain at 11:10 AM on March 21, 2019 [26 favorites]

Hmm. I can understand why you feel like he's copying you. However, I'm coming to a very different conclusion than fingersandtoes.

Instead of trying to talk him out of the program, maybe just come clean about how this is bringing up a weird reaction for you, and tell him that you're still in the process of figuring out why that is: "hey, babe, I'm excited you want to try something new. However - I'm also having a really weird reaction to it. I'm not completely sure why, but i"m figuring that out."

You know? Make it like, you're just telling him something about yourself, so he's prepared if you have a weird reaction to him coming home all "I got an A on my midterms!" and he doesn't think you hate him. Also maybe it will spark a conversation between the two of you where he tries to help you process things; maybe he'll tell you more about why he is taking the course, or maybe he'll be more open about what his own motivations are.

It's very possible that he could go through the exact same training as you, but ultimately get interested in a different field and you wouldn't be competing anyway.

But I'd advise a little bit of openness with him about how this is causing a mixed reaction in you and you're trying to figure out why. Not like you're asking him to help you figure it out, but you're just bracing him that your reaction may be a little unpredictable while you're processing what he's doing.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:10 AM on March 21, 2019 [27 favorites]

As a fellow semi-competitive person with wicked imposter syndrome, if my boyfriend cheerfully announced that he was packing it all in to start doing what I do, I would definitely have a lot of ambivalence about it.

Especially when, knowing as you do that latent sexism is a real issue in the tech industry, you know that means there's a non-zero chance that this might result in your boyfriend being selected over you for a job, or that he might progress in his new career at a faster rate than you have been able to. (Upon preview: just like sestaaak mentioned.)

It's not childish at all to feel upset about it, but I agree that it'd be a good idea to do some self-reflection (alone or with a therapist if you have one) to get to the real root of why this has touched such a nerve with you before you talk with him about it.

Like others have said, it's possible he doesn't fully grok the full weight and impact of this choice, or the friction this could introduce in your relationship if your tech industry-neophyte boyfriend starts moonwalking through his career track in a way that you know would be impossible for you. Communicating with him about your concerns for this potential dynamic, rather than your concerns about him choosing the EXACT same academic program as you, seems like a good middle ground to seek.
posted by helloimjennsco at 11:17 AM on March 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

Your response isn't incorrect. It's kind of rude to turn to somebody and go, "Eh, I can probably do your job." There's a way to approach the subject respectfully, like "I'm really interested in what you do, can you tell me more/tell me your feelings about the future of that work?"

I think what I would do is offer basically no response. He was likely either hoping for enthusiastic buy-in/offers of help or some confirmation from you that you think he should do it, and will likely drop it if you don't. I think there is a conversation to be had about not being disrespectful to people about their work, but you can address that at a later time after he's had time to decide to pursue it or not.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:28 AM on March 21, 2019 [6 favorites]

My SO and I aren’t in identical fields, but we are in adjacent fields, and it is hard. For me, what makes relationships work is that we have our own personal niches that define our own domain, and when your SO occupies overlapping space, suddenly that domain isn’t so personal anymore. There’s a lot of emotional labor involved when you become your SO’s source for answers about a problem you’ve been working on or when your SO can see you’re trying to solve something and they try to give you advice that they are actually somewhat qualified to give input on. It changes the dynamic of the relationship, and it impacts your privacy. It also creates a whole new set of possible obligations with your SO in terms of advice, collaborations, etc.

Your concerns aren’t irrational. It may be that your partner’s career change may be good for your household and good for your relationship, but it will definitely change your relationship’s internal dynamics.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 11:29 AM on March 21, 2019 [3 favorites]

Unlike everyone else who's replied so far, I do not think that it's rational to be angry about this. There is a lot of projection happening in this thread about why your boyfriend wants to do this, like "Ehhh, it must be easy if she did it!" or "Luckily I'm a dude so this will be pretty easy for me" or "Great, she can just do all my homework!" I'd advise you that when you're talking about this with your boyfriend, it's always best to assume that his intentions are pure and not that he's doing this because he thinks you'll do all his homework (unless he IS that kind of guy, is he?). You went back to school in your mid twenties to do this thing, he is just thinking about making the same change you made. If this tech field is what I think it might be, it seems like an extremely popular field for people who desire a career change and think they can hack the work. Talk to him about how this is making you feel, but don't lay all your resentments about the shitty sexism you've endured to get where you are as being a reason for him not to make a career change.
posted by cakelite at 11:49 AM on March 21, 2019 [27 favorites]

OH, wow. Sorry in advance for any typos but it's hard to see the screen because my hair is currently on fire.

I'd point him to turkeybrain's extremely helpful answer and ask him to reread fifty times this particularly helpful sentence:
I don't know why this seems parasitical rather than a committed couple just helping each other out, but it sure does feel that way.
-and I would ask him before embarking on this journey to figure out why asking for homework help would be very very bad and crowing about career success would be very very bad and why observing your hard-won success and capitalizing on all that he has learned from you might end up seeming parasitical rather than a committed couple just helping each other out.

PS no offense to turkeybrain and I wasn't being sarcastic about your response being helpful--it's extremely helpful. It's the way you still think about this 25 years later--and it's likely the way most men think. Before: "Cool, I'ma try this thing she's doing and ask for her help! What would be wrong with that?" After: [bemused] "I don't know why it went south; glad it wasn't any worse than it was. What even happened? Huh! Welp, life's funny!" It's cool how placid and at peace you guys are with this stuff. Must be sweet.

So I'd show him that and then ask him if he wants to live with someone whose hair is on fire all the time.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:09 PM on March 21, 2019 [6 favorites]

in the question the OP explicitly states that the boyfriend has said he would NOT be asking for help/career advice. Then a large % of the responses are about how it's shitty that he want's homework help ... wat?

as a person who made the leap from dead end manual labor to a professional career track, essentially by copying my better educated peers. I'd be pretty crushed by a negative response like this. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps but not like this, maybe up, but more to the side?" That leap from labor to education dependent office work isn't easy or fast or intuitive. Even for those AMAB.

on the flip side I understand the impulse of not wanting to be placed in competition with those closest to us. I think for me that would be the core issue. I think the only approach is the boring answer to most relationship issues, you need to have a reasonable and calm talk about it. If you feel that can't happen, talk to a therapist first to strategize how to have the most productive path forward you can.
posted by French Fry at 12:25 PM on March 21, 2019 [20 favorites]

In some ways, this isn't surprising. If your SO's background is manual labour and low paying jobs, it's certainly possible that your corporate tech job is the only corporate job they've been exposed to, at all, really.

He isn't aware of the options, he knows you like your relatively high paying job and it makes you happy, and physically it's not demanding.

In some ways it may be helpful to frame this less about him moving into something, and more about him moving out of something, ie crappy manual labour.

To that end, I wonder if he has spoken to anyone about all the different options that may be available to him, cause it kinda sounds like he's latched onto the first decent job he's heard of. Likewise, if your tech job is developer for eg I wouldn't be too worried as there's a million types of developer roles and it's unlikely his career path would continue to shadow yours post graduation.

It might be worth him talking to a careers counsellor or some other peers in the corporate world to see what he might actually respond best to in terms of jobs.

In the meantime, I would try my best to frame this not as competing with you, but trying to emulate your success and dedication. You have role modeled to him what a healthy career and ambition looks like; he may not have any other role models as outstanding as you. Certainly, there's a bit of a "monkey see, monkey do" element at play, but it's possible it's coming from a place of "I want to be as amazing as she is", rather than "I could do that".

Best of luck, op.
posted by smoke at 2:21 PM on March 21, 2019 [13 favorites]

Maybe try thinking: “Wow— my partner wants to enter my field—we could work together and maybe start our own company and help each other and build some big thing.”
posted by Ideefixe at 2:40 PM on March 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm really surprised and confused by the idea that it's desirable to be angry or antagonistic about this. It seems incredibly sad if a committed couple can't happily help each other do good things because they are in a kind of inherent competition where the success of one is construed as diminishing the success of the other. I find it to be rather the opposite in my marriage -- one in which my partner works in the same field as me, making more money and largely doing better work.

As long as you stay together and stay in love, your boyfriend's success is your success. If he learns to do this work, he will probably make more money, help other people more through what he does, be happier, and have more energy to spend on your relationship. (I presume this because otherwise he probably wouldn't put in a bunch of effort to retrain.) Those are really good and important things that should make your life better too!

To the extent that he's copying you: for one thing, isn't it a sign of respect that he looks at your life and work and thinks "wow, this seems like a great example for me, I want to learn to do this?" For another thing, if you feel that he is trying to eclipse your achievements, it seems like rather the opposite to me. He's starting from square one in a field that you have spent a large part of your life building expertise and knowledge in. He is putting himself in a position where you are explicitly and obviously more capable than him, and will be so for the foreseeable future. Both you and he will know it. You don't need to feel threatened by that.

I hope you can find a way to feel content about this since it seems like it would be a great result for both of you.
posted by value of information at 4:08 PM on March 21, 2019 [8 favorites]

This is difficult because even if BF promises not to ask OP for help, a job/career change is a HUGE thing and there is no realistic way to keep OP from hearing a lot of details about it. If it's already a sore subject, the "asking for help" might not strain the relationship, but having to hear and converse and emote in some way about the career search definitely might - and there's no realistic way for SO's to simply not talk about one person's huge career change.

While there is absolutely a difficult sexism angle here too, I wonder if part of it is just plain wanting a "thing" for yourself. Plenty of partners would get a little ruffled if their SO wanted to join their "me time" sport or hobby, and while you can't claim an entire career as yours, I think it's a human reaction to feel like part of your uniqueness in the relationship might be threatened. It might not be the most noble emotion in the world, but I think it's a normal one to feel like this is/was a big part of your identity and now it's changing. Is it possible part of your attraction was because he had a different career/life than you and now it seems like you might just mush together?

FWIW, I noted that you've only been together a year - is it worth exploring that this seems like a pretty huge life change for a year-old couple? Like, is it possible you're feeling guilty or angry in advance if the relationship doesn't last but "he made this huge career change because of me?"
posted by nakedmolerats at 4:20 PM on March 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

I do get the annoyance to an extent but hope you can forgive your boyfriend for wanting to enter a more lucrative and possibly suited to him field. I would let try to admire his motivation to pursue education and a job hopefully that will be more sustainable for him.

One of my girlfriends has worked her way up into a well-paid career in project management over many years. Her husband has a variety of experience in a very different field (selling kitchen equipment to restaurants) but recently moved into project managing the kitchen builds. He was definitely inspired by her but it doesn't seem to be a problem. They are focused on making as much money together as they can for their family and view each other's success as shared, just offering a healthy counter example.
posted by lafemma at 5:34 PM on March 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

I think this would rub me the wrong way too, especially if he’s expressing any combination of “your work looks way easier and pays better! I’m going to do it!” Tech isn’t actually easy work, it’s less physically demanding but still stressful.
posted by corb at 6:46 PM on March 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

I can understand where you're coming from. I'm also female and once worked at a company where I was the only woman. I also know people who don't want to date a partner with the same job. But I don't see relationships as a competition, and I think you can reframe it (especially if the relationship is otherwise great). You love him and you want what's best for him, and you can make the choice to think about how this can be positive for him. That doesn't mean you can't be honest with him about your feelings and continue to clearly explain the issues that you brought up here. But you do say that "when it boils down to it I'm just childishly mad at him for 'copying' my career," and that's worth making an effort to get past.
posted by pinochiette at 7:16 PM on March 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

I chose, when dating, not to date software engineers because I really want the option to turn off work brain when I leave the office and that's hard enough already - it would be way harder if my partner worked in my field. My partner and I have totally different career paths and that's great. He at one point considered learning to code and trying to get into tech (I supported this) but it didn't wind up happening that way. That said, I think you should wait to see how his interest in your field plays out.

I mean, the thing is, this is tech. He's not really copying you, you're both following a huge trend right now. Literally tech is one of the only careers right now that people see as an opportunity to be upwardly mobile without having to take on years of training/debt. If he's joining the program you were in, that's not really personal - It's hard to know if a bootcamp / whatever is going to be any good, if he saw you have a good experience at yours, its pretty reasonable that he'd want to do your program.

Tech is really tough for women no matter what. It is possible that a competitive dynamic may emerge. You can work on that as a partnership - you can deliberately choose to work at different types of companies, or perhaps naturally you will gravitate towards different roles or areas of the industry. You can make rules about not talking tech at home (that would be important to me.) You can define success for yourself independent of everyone around you, including your partner, which is a good idea no matter what.

The upside, if you are both successful in tech, is that you will both make a bunch of money, and be in the same income bracket at least, and potentially remove a major stressor from your future relationship. You will both get to be creative and use your brains a lot, which should make you happier. When you have accomplishments and success in your field, you will be able to share those with your partner and he will understand what they mean to you.

If you don't want to give him homework help or advice, don't. Tell him his job interviews will go better if he figures it out himself (they will.)
posted by ProtoStar at 9:11 PM on March 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

in the question the OP explicitly states that the boyfriend has said he would NOT be asking for help/career advice. Then a large % of the responses are about how it's shitty that he want's homework help ... wat?

Here's wat:

This feels like he doesn't respect the hard work I put into my career and maybe also that I will be on the hook for homework help or career advice.

That's wat.

Yes, it is followed by But he assures me this is not his expectation. But he doesn't know what to expect because he has no direct experience, yet. He needs not to have a bunch of blithe and ill-informed expectations right now so that later he is not unpleasantly surprised like turkeybrain was.

He is absolutely sympathetic: nobody should have to slog in a manual labor job forever, and it's perfectly reasonable to see a way out and want to take it. But he also needs to see the danger. He needs to have the right attitude going in, namely that he knows nothing the hell at all about this, yet, and therefore should have no happy expectations, and he needs to maintain vigilance so as not to slip into complacency. This is going to endanger his relationship if he does it happy-go-lucky life unexamined style. Turkeybrain is living proof.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:49 AM on March 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

I’m wondering if he’s making a low key and unconscious codependent move on the relationship. Seems like there’s a power dynamic at play here too.
posted by nikaspark at 6:20 AM on March 22, 2019

It seems like you have a good perspective on this. You're feeling a bit proprietary about your field, but you know it's not reasonable to tell your partner to avoid it because it's 'yours'. Because it's not yours. The patriarchy is terrible, and I hope you're both able to confront it in your relationship and careers, but I'm not sure discouraging him from this career change helps with that.

I think you're reasonable to conclude that your emotional issues around this are mostly yours to deal with.

I think establishing boundaries about schoolwork, career advice/help, etc would be a good thing. A hard wall on being his homework and career mom early on is important. He needs to know that his study group will be found at school, not when he's with you.

I think your frustration about his 'male confidence' is something you can reflect on. This appears to be a healthy confidence where he's saying "If I go to school, and put in the work, I can acquire the skills to eventually be successful in that field." He should feel that way! It's almost certainly true.

His behaviour is inadvertently shining a light on your impostor syndrome. It'll be helpful to your relationship and career if you work on that.
posted by thenormshow at 8:03 AM on March 22, 2019

It sounds like you've decided to be supportive, but you have mixed feelings about actually doing it. Yeah, this is hard. I think you're making the right choice, given that this relationship has been idyllic and you're deeply in love, but I completely understand why it's not easy. You're very likely to do the right thing and get screwed.

A big factor in my reaction would be how likely I thought the relationship was to last.

If we were married or close enough, I would think, we have joined our fortunes for better or for worse. Here I have a real opportunity to make them better. Even if it did turn out to require significant work for me, it's be worthwhile to get my husband into a career that is definitely more lucrative, maybe more satisfying, and probably way, way safer.

You've probably figured this out by now, but most difficult manual labor jobs are also quite dangerous. There is not only the risk of acute injury but also the near certainty of chronic injury. It was not happenstance or moral failing that made opioids so popular among blue collar men.

On the other hand, there's a non trivial chance that any particular one year old couple will break up within a year or two. You may well put a bunch of work into getting this guy a better job, only to dump him or get dumped. Then you'll be yet another in the long line of women who helped men and got bupkis for it.

To complicate matters further, in his shoes I would read your reaction to this as an indication of whether we had long term potential and whether you thought so too. I'm not saying it would be immoral or unjustified for you to ask him to pick something else, or even to say you're fine with it as long as you don't have to get involved. But, having worked actually very easy manual labor jobs, that's really not the reaction I want to hear from someone with whom I expect to spend the rest of my life.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:04 AM on March 22, 2019

I'm going to guess that your position with the field is ux designer. And as a male UX designer, working with many males, and some females, I will tell you I that almost every day I fight imposter syndrome, and a very big lack of respect for any design sensibilities. It isn't just women who have to fight the tech bros. It happens in any design position.

I can understand some resentment of the fact of how things play out for you coloring your feelings for this whole situation. I cannot understand however how you would hold it against your boyfriend as if he is doing something that endangers you or your profession. You say you love him. Help him out, I don't look at this as some zero sum game where you lose if he succeeds.

I apologize to jump to conclusions if you are not in design, but even in a different position, I think the premise holds true.
posted by gregjunior at 9:49 AM on March 22, 2019

I agree with the comments above that your boyfriend wants out of a manual labor career, and maybe hasn't had much exposure to other types of jobs, so yours is what he is choosing primarily due to familiarity. In his mind this might also seem like a way to be closer to you/build the relationship. Maybe there is another career change he could make based upon his own interests rather than your example?

I am a women working in STEM and I am very career-driven, ambitious, and competitive professionally. I would absolutely be resentful if a partner in a similar career had an easier time of success. I also like the separation between my career and my home life. The truth is that your partner going down this road has the potentially to seriously damage your relationship. This has probably not occurred to him! I think you should have an honest discussion about your feelings.
posted by emd3737 at 11:28 AM on March 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

Maybe your career planted a seed in his head and he is inspired. Also, confidence and naïveté is not something you should be necessarily angry over. Plenty of people go in to school or new jobs without knowing what it takes or what it's going to be like. Some people are full steam ahead. Either he'll make it or not.
posted by loveandhappiness at 12:25 PM on March 22, 2019

The tech sector is one of the only ones with a jobs boom right now. Speaking as a partner of somebody in tech, it's easy to look at the field and the burgeoning number of coding bootcamps and see all these people come straight out of these 9-week programs to make 80K and think "Wow, what a great career path." It's not that the work looks easy, it's that it looks like one really good option amongst a dwindling number of them. You shouldn't fault him for wanting some career success.
posted by spicytunaroll at 1:08 PM on March 22, 2019 [3 favorites]

That leap from labor to education dependent office work isn't easy or fast or intuitive. Even for those AMAB.

there's generally little overlap between how (e.g.) trans women and men are treated in the workplace, so how one was assigned at birth seems irrelevant here
posted by the list of suspects is just you at 2:16 AM on March 23, 2019