Nothing happened between a coworker and myself, so why is it so awkward?
March 16, 2019 7:33 PM Subscribe
Coworkers are gossiping that something happened between a male coworker and myself, but we don't even talk. Snowflakes inside...
There is a coworker who works in a different department, “John”. John is one of the boss’s son and takes advantage of it- he doesn’t go to meetings, has attitude, gossips, flirts with interns, dates other coworkers, likes to mess with people, etc.
When I first talked to him about something work-related, he cut me off and walked away. John also behaved in other ways that made me realize he was a jerk. (He’s rude to other coworkers, has a temper, etc.)
John talks with my coworkers a lot and when he would pass near my desk, I would hear him make noises like a “tsk” if I was checking my non-work email or once I caught him watching me as I cleaned up my desk after I spilled coffee.
A few months later, he started to stare at me in an intense way. It is intimidating and he only does it from afar, so I’m never close enough to question it or tell him to stop. He never talked to me, just stared.
When I am close to him, he seems nervous and uncomfortable. When I was alone at my desk once, he approached and was standing in front of it, but then my phone rang and he walked away. I don’t know if he was trying to talk to me, or if he was just being annoying.
At events, he is very stand-offish towards me. If we’re in a group, he stands or sits as far away from me as possible. When he sees me approaching, he literally hides in his chair.
Now my coworkers noticed this awkwardness and started spreading rumors that there is something going on/something went on between us and it’s untrue! One woman even asked me if I was single and questioned if I was dating anyone.
Nothing has ever happened! The guy won’t even talk to me, unless we have to communicate something work related. He never says “Good morning” or anything else.
He was sitting at a desk next to me once working on something and I looked over to say good night to another coworker and John said under his breath, “Don’t look! Don’t look!” He seemed upset and people were looking at us.
Why the awkwardness? Why is it so uncomfortable? I don’t know if my coworkers said something about me and it makes him uncomfortable, but it’s annoying and worrying to me.
He’s dating another woman at work, but now coworkers think that I hate her! I don’t even know her! It’s all unwarranted drama and attention.
I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. I’ve never ever had coworkers so deeply invested in my personal life and am looking for another job (not just for these reasons, but it doesn’t help), but until I can get out, what do I do? I take my work very seriously so I don’t want to lose my job over this. Any suggestions?
There is a coworker who works in a different department, “John”. John is one of the boss’s son and takes advantage of it- he doesn’t go to meetings, has attitude, gossips, flirts with interns, dates other coworkers, likes to mess with people, etc.
When I first talked to him about something work-related, he cut me off and walked away. John also behaved in other ways that made me realize he was a jerk. (He’s rude to other coworkers, has a temper, etc.)
John talks with my coworkers a lot and when he would pass near my desk, I would hear him make noises like a “tsk” if I was checking my non-work email or once I caught him watching me as I cleaned up my desk after I spilled coffee.
A few months later, he started to stare at me in an intense way. It is intimidating and he only does it from afar, so I’m never close enough to question it or tell him to stop. He never talked to me, just stared.
When I am close to him, he seems nervous and uncomfortable. When I was alone at my desk once, he approached and was standing in front of it, but then my phone rang and he walked away. I don’t know if he was trying to talk to me, or if he was just being annoying.
At events, he is very stand-offish towards me. If we’re in a group, he stands or sits as far away from me as possible. When he sees me approaching, he literally hides in his chair.
Now my coworkers noticed this awkwardness and started spreading rumors that there is something going on/something went on between us and it’s untrue! One woman even asked me if I was single and questioned if I was dating anyone.
Nothing has ever happened! The guy won’t even talk to me, unless we have to communicate something work related. He never says “Good morning” or anything else.
He was sitting at a desk next to me once working on something and I looked over to say good night to another coworker and John said under his breath, “Don’t look! Don’t look!” He seemed upset and people were looking at us.
Why the awkwardness? Why is it so uncomfortable? I don’t know if my coworkers said something about me and it makes him uncomfortable, but it’s annoying and worrying to me.
He’s dating another woman at work, but now coworkers think that I hate her! I don’t even know her! It’s all unwarranted drama and attention.
I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. I’ve never ever had coworkers so deeply invested in my personal life and am looking for another job (not just for these reasons, but it doesn’t help), but until I can get out, what do I do? I take my work very seriously so I don’t want to lose my job over this. Any suggestions?
Does John behave toward anyone else in a way that suggests some sort of paranoia-adjacent mental illness? Because as a completely-unqualified-to-diagnose-anything person working only with this minimal information, that's kind of what his behaviour reads like to me.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:18 PM on March 16, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:18 PM on March 16, 2019 [8 favorites]
John sounds as if he might not be neurotypical. Or because he is the bosses son he is used to more groveling. If it is not number one, then likely someone has given him untrue information about you, with regard to him. You don't owe anyone any personal explanations at work. I would ignore it all and then try to pull some innocuous greetings out of your repitoire, but no answers. Stick hard to the concept of not talking about people, but talking with them, but only about the person you are talking with. Eventually this guy will say something or his dad will, and you can say you don't talk about people, and have never discussed John with anyone. Don't socialize with these pinheads. Run away at the close of day.
posted by Oyéah at 8:19 PM on March 16, 2019
posted by Oyéah at 8:19 PM on March 16, 2019
Honestly, the gossiping coworkers say more about the office culture than they do about you and John. After my divorce, I was the target of some mean gossip from people trying to guess why my marriage ended (because my ex was such a "nice guy" they were convinced I must have done something awful. sigh.) If you're leaving anyhow, then I would just ignore it. It sounds like an awful place.
As to what else you can do: Just ignore, avoid and respond in a chilly way to others if they try to engage you in personal discussions. I would personally be careful about HR if you're dealing with the boss' son.
posted by frumiousb at 8:28 PM on March 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
As to what else you can do: Just ignore, avoid and respond in a chilly way to others if they try to engage you in personal discussions. I would personally be careful about HR if you're dealing with the boss' son.
posted by frumiousb at 8:28 PM on March 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
Youve mentioned that he's a bit of an office player, so I would have to say this sounds like negging tactics.
John might have a copy handy of something similar to The Game.
If so, in his eyes, he's created an environment of competition/conflict/confusion amongst the women in your workplace, increased the illusion of his desirability, caught himself a lot of attention, got his girlfiend jealous, undermined you and hopefully your confidence and decreased your desirability to the other men there. In his eyes.
If I were you, I'd take 'if only I had a penguin...'s advice and in your eyes, see him as likely experiencing some form of mental illness.
posted by OnefortheLast at 8:37 PM on March 16, 2019 [9 favorites]
John might have a copy handy of something similar to The Game.
If so, in his eyes, he's created an environment of competition/conflict/confusion amongst the women in your workplace, increased the illusion of his desirability, caught himself a lot of attention, got his girlfiend jealous, undermined you and hopefully your confidence and decreased your desirability to the other men there. In his eyes.
If I were you, I'd take 'if only I had a penguin...'s advice and in your eyes, see him as likely experiencing some form of mental illness.
posted by OnefortheLast at 8:37 PM on March 16, 2019 [9 favorites]
He sounds like the creepy misogynists I've had to deal with at work. Ignore, do not engage, deflect, and stay as far away from it as possible while you look for a new job. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
posted by sockermom at 8:44 PM on March 16, 2019 [14 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 8:44 PM on March 16, 2019 [14 favorites]
It's not right that you have to do so, but when the owner's spoiled and inappropriate son starts acting weird and hostile towards you, it's time to start planning your exit.
It sounds like you might be kind of new to this job? If so and there's an employee that's been there for a while that you trust, you might see if this is some kind of pattern with the son.
posted by Candleman at 10:26 PM on March 16, 2019 [15 favorites]
It sounds like you might be kind of new to this job? If so and there's an employee that's been there for a while that you trust, you might see if this is some kind of pattern with the son.
posted by Candleman at 10:26 PM on March 16, 2019 [15 favorites]
Sounds to me like he is spreading rumors about you two. Obviously false ones.
posted by AugustWest at 10:42 PM on March 16, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 10:42 PM on March 16, 2019 [13 favorites]
I would a) ignore him utterly as though he were a ghost, and b) in situations where his weird behavior made it impossible, say loudly, “What do you need, John? Can I help you? Okay then, BYE” just to draw attention to the fact that you’re doing your job and he’s acting like a weirdo. Otherwise, just blank him entirely.
Doesn’t matter if he’s neurotypical or not. That’s not a pass to act the way he’s been acting. And someone who flirts with interns sounds neurotypical enough to me.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:14 AM on March 17, 2019 [8 favorites]
Doesn’t matter if he’s neurotypical or not. That’s not a pass to act the way he’s been acting. And someone who flirts with interns sounds neurotypical enough to me.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:14 AM on March 17, 2019 [8 favorites]
John is a creep with a crush on you, and he’s probably been telling people that the two of you are fucking. If he’s already underperforming because he’s the owner’s son, you are not going to get HR to fix this problem— it’s time to start looking for a new job.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 12:34 AM on March 17, 2019 [35 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 12:34 AM on March 17, 2019 [35 favorites]
Eeh ..what. He and your colleagues sound so juvenile and awkward. i feel for you, this is a cringe fest.
I'd say, until you get out of that job, try to do your best to just disengage. Be polite, but that's it. You dont have to listen to people gossip or anything. Switch topics, be busy. you see him staring, turn away and blissfully ignore. If he hovers, ask if you can help him and go on with your day. Maybe imagine he came from another planet and is suffering from culture shock on planet earth and that's why he's so awkies. And don't let them get to you! once they get that they cant get a reaction/any info outta you they'll hopefully drop it. Fake it til' you make it sort of deal. I hope this resolves soon!
posted by speakeasy at 2:15 AM on March 17, 2019
I'd say, until you get out of that job, try to do your best to just disengage. Be polite, but that's it. You dont have to listen to people gossip or anything. Switch topics, be busy. you see him staring, turn away and blissfully ignore. If he hovers, ask if you can help him and go on with your day. Maybe imagine he came from another planet and is suffering from culture shock on planet earth and that's why he's so awkies. And don't let them get to you! once they get that they cant get a reaction/any info outta you they'll hopefully drop it. Fake it til' you make it sort of deal. I hope this resolves soon!
posted by speakeasy at 2:15 AM on March 17, 2019
Was going to second the negging aspect. Something about you either threatens him or he finds you attractive or both. Sounds like he has your number for prey either way.
Your coworkers are disgusting.
posted by Young Kullervo at 4:43 AM on March 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
Your coworkers are disgusting.
posted by Young Kullervo at 4:43 AM on March 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
This is a hostile work environment and due to the company setup, it's unlikely this is going to go away. You should be documenting everything at this stage. If you approach HR and they don't take steps to remedy this, one option might be to speak to a lawyer about your next steps which might include resigning and filing for constructive dismissal.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 5:13 AM on March 17, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 5:13 AM on March 17, 2019 [8 favorites]
Is there no one who could be an ally? If there’s anyone there who could be a friend and maybe someone who has been at the company for awhile, can you take them to lunch and share this story? And then ask for advice on company culture as to what, if anything, you should do?
Not to give your coworkers too much credit, but they are in a weird position, too. This is the boss’s son. So he has “boss” privilege conferred to him. Sucking up to him, or allowing space in the company culture to be a fuckup, is a way of protecting themselves. Because if you aren’t playing along then you are painting a target on yourself. A lot of this stuff is ingrained, weird socio-cultural bullshit. The fact that he acts insane is part of it, too. That he gets away with it is a signal that your company culture is going to allow this. So that signal has been sent. How people react to that signal will vary but it’s not surprising to me that it’s creating a dysfunctional atmosphere in other ways.
One approach with HR, if you have one, might be to say, “This guy is dating coworkers, shirking basic job duties, and acting bizarre. His behavior is causing other dysfunctional behavior. Is this guy going to be moving on soon? Does he have oversight? What’s the plan?” You can ask for this to be an off-the-record conversation. Warning: if HR is also drinking the sucking-up kool-aid, this could be seen as threatening. I think an ally with perspective is what you need. Otherwise, YES, be stone cold to this guy. And don’t be afraid to show your annoyance at all these shenanigans. You don’t have to play along with this sick system.
posted by amanda at 8:37 AM on March 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
Not to give your coworkers too much credit, but they are in a weird position, too. This is the boss’s son. So he has “boss” privilege conferred to him. Sucking up to him, or allowing space in the company culture to be a fuckup, is a way of protecting themselves. Because if you aren’t playing along then you are painting a target on yourself. A lot of this stuff is ingrained, weird socio-cultural bullshit. The fact that he acts insane is part of it, too. That he gets away with it is a signal that your company culture is going to allow this. So that signal has been sent. How people react to that signal will vary but it’s not surprising to me that it’s creating a dysfunctional atmosphere in other ways.
One approach with HR, if you have one, might be to say, “This guy is dating coworkers, shirking basic job duties, and acting bizarre. His behavior is causing other dysfunctional behavior. Is this guy going to be moving on soon? Does he have oversight? What’s the plan?” You can ask for this to be an off-the-record conversation. Warning: if HR is also drinking the sucking-up kool-aid, this could be seen as threatening. I think an ally with perspective is what you need. Otherwise, YES, be stone cold to this guy. And don’t be afraid to show your annoyance at all these shenanigans. You don’t have to play along with this sick system.
posted by amanda at 8:37 AM on March 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I made the mistake of acting awkward when he would come near me (ie: turning away in my chair, avoiding John when he was near, walking quickly to my desk, etc.) to the point where he would shrug at others as if to say, "What's her problem?" (Um, you, buddy?)
posted by lawgirl at 9:32 AM on March 17, 2019
posted by lawgirl at 9:32 AM on March 17, 2019
Do not approach HR, do not say anything to anyone about this person's behavior. Just ignore as best you can, do your work, and get a new job ASAP. This is a completely no-win situation. There will be no consequences for the boss's son, no consequences to the gossiper, this is the company culture. Just ignore everyone and make getting out your top priority. Yuck. This sucks.
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:35 AM on March 17, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:35 AM on March 17, 2019 [11 favorites]
Also, if you are stuck there for any length of time, you could try this strategy: Have a male friend be your beard--get them to be your "boyfriend" they can send you flowers, you can put a picture of them on your desk, come and pick you up for lunch a couple of times, etc. In a toxic, male-dominated, gossipy situation like you are in, this can be an effective shield from the worst of the issues while you focus on getting out, out, out.
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:38 AM on March 17, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:38 AM on March 17, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you can bring yourself to be the chilliest ice princess ever, destroy him with non attention. He's nothing but a gnat. This means no more flinching, no avoiding him. If he hovers nearby, don't look away, just quick blank look and go about your business.. Cause he's a gnat and requires NO ENGAGEMENT. Don't talk to coworkers. Don't try to make small talk with him. This puts all the weird right on him. It'll take a while, but he'll move on to another target when he's not getting a reaction from you. Your coworkers will start to notice that you are unflappable and the guy is going to come off as the instigator.
You gave my heartfelt sympathy. This guy is an ass.
posted by LaBellaStella at 11:05 AM on March 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
You gave my heartfelt sympathy. This guy is an ass.
posted by LaBellaStella at 11:05 AM on March 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
You shouldn't have to deal with this, but honestly if you want to casually shut it down just mention a husband. It's unexpected and grown up in a level beyond your juvenile co-workers. This only works if they don't know a ton about your personal life.
Also keep looking for another job. These people sound terrible.
posted by KMoney at 6:53 PM on March 18, 2019
Also keep looking for another job. These people sound terrible.
posted by KMoney at 6:53 PM on March 18, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by salvia at 8:13 PM on March 16, 2019 [3 favorites]