My white racist fuck-up story, read at own risk.
February 28, 2019 11:40 PM Subscribe
I need to be and do better and deal with what is currently happening.
I work at a school and have been working with students in small groups. Part of the group work has been having them prepare all-school presentations on a topic. A group of students- all not from the US - use the word colored on a slide in their presentation to the whole school that I completely utterly missed in advance. (Thanks to my own white privilege and racism). Students and adults are rightfully shocked, hurt, infuriated, etc. The international students who I did not intervene with in advance are also hurting and feeling targeted by fellow students. This comes on the heels of a pileup of years of racial micro and macro aggressions at the school, especially this year, and our students of color are tired of this shit.
My bosses have had little contact with me since this happened because they are too busy putting out fires with others. I have been asked not to participate in all-school followup events and the majority of regular classes have been canceled or postponed since this happened. I am a wreck although I don't think my feelings matter nor do I deserve anyone at the school's time and attention right now. But I don't know what to do.
What I am doing: Immediately after the incident I apologized publicly to the entire school and drafted a brief, to-the-point-apology email that was reviewed by leadership and I was asked not to send it. I will make an anonymous donation to our school's fund for supporting diversity, equity, and inclusion. I will write thank you notes and give food gift cards to administrators who are working overtime on this. I am not going to force my voice or face on anyone but I will show up when asked or with permission in advance and listen and respond if questioned. I want to strike a balance between being present and acknowledging what happened and my role in it, but also not pouring salt in wounds with my very presence, and not using it as a platform to over-apologize, seek forgiveness, or provide explanation. I am not planning to eat in the dining hall for the time being, and I am avoiding walking in the halls and making eye contact with any students or adults. I am going to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I want to reach out to a person of color who I am friendly with who works in this field to request her perspective and buy her dinner or the equivalent, yet I dont feel ok asking for POCs free opinions on my role in this or making it feel transactional by buying dinner so I really don't know if I'll go through with that.
So I'm just going to leave this here for now. Thank you if you've read through this and feel like commenting your perspective.
I work at a school and have been working with students in small groups. Part of the group work has been having them prepare all-school presentations on a topic. A group of students- all not from the US - use the word colored on a slide in their presentation to the whole school that I completely utterly missed in advance. (Thanks to my own white privilege and racism). Students and adults are rightfully shocked, hurt, infuriated, etc. The international students who I did not intervene with in advance are also hurting and feeling targeted by fellow students. This comes on the heels of a pileup of years of racial micro and macro aggressions at the school, especially this year, and our students of color are tired of this shit.
My bosses have had little contact with me since this happened because they are too busy putting out fires with others. I have been asked not to participate in all-school followup events and the majority of regular classes have been canceled or postponed since this happened. I am a wreck although I don't think my feelings matter nor do I deserve anyone at the school's time and attention right now. But I don't know what to do.
What I am doing: Immediately after the incident I apologized publicly to the entire school and drafted a brief, to-the-point-apology email that was reviewed by leadership and I was asked not to send it. I will make an anonymous donation to our school's fund for supporting diversity, equity, and inclusion. I will write thank you notes and give food gift cards to administrators who are working overtime on this. I am not going to force my voice or face on anyone but I will show up when asked or with permission in advance and listen and respond if questioned. I want to strike a balance between being present and acknowledging what happened and my role in it, but also not pouring salt in wounds with my very presence, and not using it as a platform to over-apologize, seek forgiveness, or provide explanation. I am not planning to eat in the dining hall for the time being, and I am avoiding walking in the halls and making eye contact with any students or adults. I am going to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I want to reach out to a person of color who I am friendly with who works in this field to request her perspective and buy her dinner or the equivalent, yet I dont feel ok asking for POCs free opinions on my role in this or making it feel transactional by buying dinner so I really don't know if I'll go through with that.
So I'm just going to leave this here for now. Thank you if you've read through this and feel like commenting your perspective.
I will preface this by saying that I am an Australian with no understanding of US race issues. Still I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Failing to pick up that error was an oversight and yes, it wasn’t ideal, but you didn’t do it out of malice or a desire to be racist, a belief that whites (I presume you are white?) are superior - did you? I’m sure people of colour make innocent mistakes too and are perfectly capable of understanding that that’s all this was. So don’t beat yourself up about it - just resolve to work on your attention to detail and educate your non-US students about why this outdated term has fallen out of favour.
posted by EatMyHat at 11:54 PM on February 28, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by EatMyHat at 11:54 PM on February 28, 2019 [12 favorites]
It feels a bit like you are allowing yourself to be scapegoated for the poor systemic attitude of the school because you feel guilty about that this mistake. While yes, it’s possibly both true, and guilt-inducing, that pervasive white supremacy culture which you are part of meant that the word didn’t jump out at you on the page, that doesn’t mean that you falling on your sword to assuage guilt is the right answer. In fact, in terms of getting the school to improve its culture it may well have the opposite effect. If it’s all about you, then it’s not all about fixing the underlying problems you describe.
I also think you might want to separate out how the school community (of which you are currently a part) moves forward and how you personally move forward.
Your post is written as if you are at the centre of a maelstrom and so it feels like your current levels of shame mean that you lack perspective. I tend to hold to the view that all white people have a level of unconscious racism and anyone who truly cares about it and who is white will experience moments when they realise are not as anti-racist as they think they are. In part, this is what has happened here. The way in which it has happened has exposed you to public shaming about it. But I think you would be better to reflect on what you would change about your teaching practice if this had happened in a less public arena, to reflect the person you wish to be. Because while the actual event magnified the impact of the error, it doesn’t affect the cause. And it is your future teaching practice that you can directly amend.
Most of your response so far feels like a way for you to join in with the collective shaming of you. What if you put the shame to one side (with therapy if helpful) and over time and with perspective reflect on what you could do to become the person you want to be and thought you were. And then do that.
posted by plonkee at 1:10 AM on March 1, 2019 [23 favorites]
I also think you might want to separate out how the school community (of which you are currently a part) moves forward and how you personally move forward.
Your post is written as if you are at the centre of a maelstrom and so it feels like your current levels of shame mean that you lack perspective. I tend to hold to the view that all white people have a level of unconscious racism and anyone who truly cares about it and who is white will experience moments when they realise are not as anti-racist as they think they are. In part, this is what has happened here. The way in which it has happened has exposed you to public shaming about it. But I think you would be better to reflect on what you would change about your teaching practice if this had happened in a less public arena, to reflect the person you wish to be. Because while the actual event magnified the impact of the error, it doesn’t affect the cause. And it is your future teaching practice that you can directly amend.
Most of your response so far feels like a way for you to join in with the collective shaming of you. What if you put the shame to one side (with therapy if helpful) and over time and with perspective reflect on what you could do to become the person you want to be and thought you were. And then do that.
posted by plonkee at 1:10 AM on March 1, 2019 [23 favorites]
I think the question for me would be how students feel working with you now (or will feel when your activities are renewed). Some might still not understand what the issue is - it sounds like that should be discussed with them. Some might be uncomfortable with you. It sounds like you and the administration will need to work together to plan out what to do in those cases on both a group level and an individual level. It sounds like some of that is happening, but not on the level where it addresses students' relationship with you. You also mentioned that this incident has caused tensions between the international and non-international students. Is that being addressed? How will you deal with it in your classes?
In general, are students being asked what they feel and what they'd like to see? I.e. are they being given a voice in the discussions of how to address things?
I agree with stoneweaver that this is something to take to someone who specifically does outreach, rather than to a friend.
Thank you for taking this seriously and as something to learn from rather than reacting defensively, which is all too easy to do.
posted by trig at 1:32 AM on March 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
In general, are students being asked what they feel and what they'd like to see? I.e. are they being given a voice in the discussions of how to address things?
I agree with stoneweaver that this is something to take to someone who specifically does outreach, rather than to a friend.
Thank you for taking this seriously and as something to learn from rather than reacting defensively, which is all too easy to do.
posted by trig at 1:32 AM on March 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
I am not planning to eat in the dining hall for the time being, and I am avoiding walking in the halls and making eye contact with any students or adults.ed.
Dude, you need to settle down. You made a stupid mistake. You recognise your mistake. You have apologised, and you were right to do so. It’s being managed - you don’t also need to make yourself a martyr. This ostentatious self flagellation is unnecessary and unhelpful.
Your instinct to see a therapist is correct. You need to work through all this guilt. You still have to live your life.
You need to talk to your bosses about what they expect.
I hope someone is teaching those poor international students about the history of race relations in the US and telling them that this affair is not their fault.
A group of students- all not from the US - use the word colored on a slide in their presentation to the whole school that I completely utterly missed in advance. (Thanks to my own white privilege and racism).
I take this to mean that you saw the problematic wording and didn’t think it was going to be an issue. If so, perhaps this is good time to question where your other blind spots may be. Do some reading and learn more about this space.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:03 AM on March 1, 2019 [43 favorites]
Dude, you need to settle down. You made a stupid mistake. You recognise your mistake. You have apologised, and you were right to do so. It’s being managed - you don’t also need to make yourself a martyr. This ostentatious self flagellation is unnecessary and unhelpful.
Your instinct to see a therapist is correct. You need to work through all this guilt. You still have to live your life.
You need to talk to your bosses about what they expect.
I hope someone is teaching those poor international students about the history of race relations in the US and telling them that this affair is not their fault.
A group of students- all not from the US - use the word colored on a slide in their presentation to the whole school that I completely utterly missed in advance. (Thanks to my own white privilege and racism).
I take this to mean that you saw the problematic wording and didn’t think it was going to be an issue. If so, perhaps this is good time to question where your other blind spots may be. Do some reading and learn more about this space.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:03 AM on March 1, 2019 [43 favorites]
I will write thank you notes and give food gift cards to administrators who are working overtime on this.
Did these administrators put in the work ahead of time, in a school that evidently enrolls multiple international students, to obviate this particular thing from happening? Because this is a legitimate difference between American English (from other questions you appear to be in the U.S.?) and some other Englishes and seems like an issue which could have been anticipated. Specifically I'm thinking of the current South African host of The Daily Show who uses this word to refer to himself.
Certainly feel bad and make amends for your racial insensitivity and blindness from privilege in a tense environment where people have been hurt, and change personal practices which need to be changed, and from the context I doubt you're the one who should be articulating criticism at a higher level, but don't take the entire institution's worth of shame on yourself. Especially not if these administrators are doing damage control on an incident that could have been avoided with all its attendant harms if the proper sort of training programs or crosschecking measures had been put in place ahead of time after all the years' worth of other incidents you describe, with some upfront work on said administrators' part.
posted by XMLicious at 3:08 AM on March 1, 2019 [8 favorites]
I take this to mean that you saw the problematic wording and didn’t think it was going to be an issue.
I took it to mean that OP did NOT see the problematic wording ("completely and utterly missed" seems clear), and that the next clause is them self-flagellating for failing to notice it.
posted by thelonius at 4:18 AM on March 1, 2019 [15 favorites]
I took it to mean that OP did NOT see the problematic wording ("completely and utterly missed" seems clear), and that the next clause is them self-flagellating for failing to notice it.
posted by thelonius at 4:18 AM on March 1, 2019 [15 favorites]
Best answer: Hi, I as part of a larger organization once green-lighted an event that was a giant, offensive clusterfuck. I would say, in fact, that my mistake was worse than yours, because there were many, many obvious signs I should have noticed. I too was part of an org that did not do a good job and that should not have left the green-lighting to one person, or have pushed to have the event (over my objections and doubts, actually). The situation did, among other things, propel me into therapy. Here is my take-away years later:
1. It's appropriate to feel some guilt/shame and to work on yourself. You should have caught the slide. The word should have jumped out at you, and you should have been thinking critically and carefully about anything that was going to be a school-wide presentation for just this reason. If you were accustomed to thinking about race and racism, you would have done this and/or had someone else as a second pair of eyes.
2. It's not appropriate, IMO, to take the failures of the org onto your shoulders. You are not individually responsible for the failures of the whole organization or the climate of the whole organization. It is not appropriate for the school to treat you (or for you to treat yourself) as the radioactive person who has been causing a racist climate. Organizations are often happy enough to say, in effect, "this isn't a systemic problem, it's one bad actor, see how good the rest of us are". When I did the thing, everyone else was very, very happy that I took it on myself to do all the work of fixing it, to the extent that I could, because it meant that they did not have to look at their own roles. (I left the org in due course and decided never to commit to that type of white-led project again)
3. I think it's good that you're apologizing, donating and doing therapy, and I think that continuing to work on yourself through studying anti-racist pedagogy, etc is good. I think that you don't really need to and probably should not give presents to the administrators. If there is a climate of racism at the school bad enough that classes have been canceled over this, they have actually far greater responsibility for the problem than you do.
4 I think it's reasonable to absent yourself for a day or two or the rest of the week, but eventually you're going to have to go back.
5. When I green-lit the panel, I apologized to everyone, sent an apology email for the org, etc. I talked to any person who wanted to talk to me. One of the things I heard - and this may not apply in all cases, but it surprised me - was basically "get over yourself in all this; POC are aware that racism exists and that you, a white person, can commit racist acts; what happened was unpleasant and racist but not novel. Apologize and make amends, but don't skulk like you're MacBeth and this is some novel crime, because that centers you". Basically, what I came away with was the need to model apology and amends in a non-self-centered and dignified manner and part of that was treating the situation as something that could and should be processed, rather than a world-obliterating fire. It is appropriate for you to imagine an ongoing although changed life for yourself after this.
6. Therapy. You need to bring your A game when you make amends, apologize, etc, and you need to have someone to talk to behind the scenes in order to do that. Therapy should not be about "hi therapist I am a monster", it should be about becoming the most centered, decent person you can possibly be so that you are awake, aware and present so that this type of mistake doesn't happen again. Therapy is important for this.
7. Separate out your feelings of monstrosity and shame from your goal of doing better, because the feelings of monstrosity and shame will sink your goal and can often hurt you. If you have a history of anxiety, self-harm, depression, etc, you need support because you can move from "dealing with a fuck-up in a productive way" into "maybe I should just self harm because I am a monster and monsters don't deserve to not self-harm", etc.
You are welcome to me-mail me.
posted by Frowner at 5:11 AM on March 1, 2019 [112 favorites]
1. It's appropriate to feel some guilt/shame and to work on yourself. You should have caught the slide. The word should have jumped out at you, and you should have been thinking critically and carefully about anything that was going to be a school-wide presentation for just this reason. If you were accustomed to thinking about race and racism, you would have done this and/or had someone else as a second pair of eyes.
2. It's not appropriate, IMO, to take the failures of the org onto your shoulders. You are not individually responsible for the failures of the whole organization or the climate of the whole organization. It is not appropriate for the school to treat you (or for you to treat yourself) as the radioactive person who has been causing a racist climate. Organizations are often happy enough to say, in effect, "this isn't a systemic problem, it's one bad actor, see how good the rest of us are". When I did the thing, everyone else was very, very happy that I took it on myself to do all the work of fixing it, to the extent that I could, because it meant that they did not have to look at their own roles. (I left the org in due course and decided never to commit to that type of white-led project again)
3. I think it's good that you're apologizing, donating and doing therapy, and I think that continuing to work on yourself through studying anti-racist pedagogy, etc is good. I think that you don't really need to and probably should not give presents to the administrators. If there is a climate of racism at the school bad enough that classes have been canceled over this, they have actually far greater responsibility for the problem than you do.
4 I think it's reasonable to absent yourself for a day or two or the rest of the week, but eventually you're going to have to go back.
5. When I green-lit the panel, I apologized to everyone, sent an apology email for the org, etc. I talked to any person who wanted to talk to me. One of the things I heard - and this may not apply in all cases, but it surprised me - was basically "get over yourself in all this; POC are aware that racism exists and that you, a white person, can commit racist acts; what happened was unpleasant and racist but not novel. Apologize and make amends, but don't skulk like you're MacBeth and this is some novel crime, because that centers you". Basically, what I came away with was the need to model apology and amends in a non-self-centered and dignified manner and part of that was treating the situation as something that could and should be processed, rather than a world-obliterating fire. It is appropriate for you to imagine an ongoing although changed life for yourself after this.
6. Therapy. You need to bring your A game when you make amends, apologize, etc, and you need to have someone to talk to behind the scenes in order to do that. Therapy should not be about "hi therapist I am a monster", it should be about becoming the most centered, decent person you can possibly be so that you are awake, aware and present so that this type of mistake doesn't happen again. Therapy is important for this.
7. Separate out your feelings of monstrosity and shame from your goal of doing better, because the feelings of monstrosity and shame will sink your goal and can often hurt you. If you have a history of anxiety, self-harm, depression, etc, you need support because you can move from "dealing with a fuck-up in a productive way" into "maybe I should just self harm because I am a monster and monsters don't deserve to not self-harm", etc.
You are welcome to me-mail me.
posted by Frowner at 5:11 AM on March 1, 2019 [112 favorites]
I'll just be the person to say: if you are represented by a Union, for the love of fuck go see your union rep immediately, and if your union is able to offer legal, take it. For all of your self-flagellation, you do not deserve to lose your entire career over this, and from how you've described the current administrative response so far, that looks to me like a high-probability outcome.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:21 AM on March 1, 2019 [57 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 5:21 AM on March 1, 2019 [57 favorites]
Identify what caused you to overlook the slide. Identify what percentage of your error is due to poor proof-reading and time management skills, and what percentage is due to unconscious racism. Split your time on working to prevent errors like this in the future in proportionate amounts. Certainly be self-reflective of how you can be a better or more sensitive person (especially if I have misread the situation and you saw the word but didn't think it was a problem!) , but don't spend so much time tending to your shame and internal states that you don't do the work of actually being better at your job. I didn't see anywhere on your list of what you are currently doing "learning how to focus better on my work so this doesn't happen again."
posted by frobozz at 5:23 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by frobozz at 5:23 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
How old are these students? Are they all white?
As a teacher I would use this as a teachable moment to start a discussion on cultural differences in language use. And, if the students in question are high school age or older I'd involve them in the planning of workshops to examine cultural differences, stereotypes, ant-racism.
posted by mareli at 7:07 AM on March 1, 2019
As a teacher I would use this as a teachable moment to start a discussion on cultural differences in language use. And, if the students in question are high school age or older I'd involve them in the planning of workshops to examine cultural differences, stereotypes, ant-racism.
posted by mareli at 7:07 AM on March 1, 2019
This isn't a racist issue unless you saw the word and approved the presentation -- it's a proofreading issue. Let this be a lesson to thoroughly review anything students will be presenting. The rest of this is frankly overreacting. I can see how in an already heated environment this could be the thing that sets everyone off, but the mistake itself doesn't seem to be the point.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:33 AM on March 1, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:33 AM on March 1, 2019 [12 favorites]
What did the slide say? Context is necessary here.
For example, if the topic were South Africa, "colored" was and is a perfect valid word that designates a significant part of the population. It's not a racial slur.
If the topic were the US Civil Rights movement, mention or photos of "colored only" facilities not only could, but SHOULD be included.
If the topic were Reconstruction in the US, "colored" was the term of choice for many freed slaves -- a positive alternative to ... you know. I might or might not mention that, but it's not irrelevant.
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My point is not to argue any of these. It's to point out that context is required to judge. It may be a perfectly obvious slur, but can you tell us what the context was?
posted by LonnieK at 7:51 AM on March 1, 2019 [6 favorites]
For example, if the topic were South Africa, "colored" was and is a perfect valid word that designates a significant part of the population. It's not a racial slur.
If the topic were the US Civil Rights movement, mention or photos of "colored only" facilities not only could, but SHOULD be included.
If the topic were Reconstruction in the US, "colored" was the term of choice for many freed slaves -- a positive alternative to ... you know. I might or might not mention that, but it's not irrelevant.
------------
My point is not to argue any of these. It's to point out that context is required to judge. It may be a perfectly obvious slur, but can you tell us what the context was?
posted by LonnieK at 7:51 AM on March 1, 2019 [6 favorites]
and drafted a brief, to-the-point-apology email that was reviewed by leadership and I was asked not to send it
I think this should have been your first sign that you were blowing things out of proportion. You say you don't think your feelings matter, but you're still making everybody else in this situation confront your feelings constantly. Do that part with trained mental health professionals--sackcloth and ashes are not a necessary or helpful part of this process. None of this avoiding eye contact thing, none of this buying gift cards for what I'm guessing are public employees for doing their jobs thing. Put your time and effort into doing your own job better in future. If somebody brings it up, be honest but not effusive about your regret and that you're trying to do better. If nobody brings it up, don't be the one who does it.
Doing that does not mean that there wasn't racism involved in your not catching this; I'm going to trust here that you know you had the opportunity to do so. Your job here is to have that drop-of-water kind of response: you ripple exactly as much as is called for by the moment, and no more, and then you need to settle down and get back to doing your actual job as well as you can.
posted by Sequence at 7:56 AM on March 1, 2019 [16 favorites]
I think this should have been your first sign that you were blowing things out of proportion. You say you don't think your feelings matter, but you're still making everybody else in this situation confront your feelings constantly. Do that part with trained mental health professionals--sackcloth and ashes are not a necessary or helpful part of this process. None of this avoiding eye contact thing, none of this buying gift cards for what I'm guessing are public employees for doing their jobs thing. Put your time and effort into doing your own job better in future. If somebody brings it up, be honest but not effusive about your regret and that you're trying to do better. If nobody brings it up, don't be the one who does it.
Doing that does not mean that there wasn't racism involved in your not catching this; I'm going to trust here that you know you had the opportunity to do so. Your job here is to have that drop-of-water kind of response: you ripple exactly as much as is called for by the moment, and no more, and then you need to settle down and get back to doing your actual job as well as you can.
posted by Sequence at 7:56 AM on March 1, 2019 [16 favorites]
I was you, one time, different context, different mistake, but the same deal. The level of shame about this suggests you're taking this as a personal attack. It's not. Not eating in the dining hall/ not making eye contact with anyone is about your own feelings-- that doesn't actually help anyone or fix the mistake.
That said, I think what plonkee said about the administration setting you up as a scapegoat for their own racism might be true. They want to show they are "doing something" to fix the sick culture they created. By punishing you they can say, look we have handled the problem! I would look out for yourself and your career a bit now even as you admit what you did wrong and make restitution appropriately. Do not allow them to transfer their failures to you because those aren't (all) yours to carry.
posted by coffeeand at 8:13 AM on March 1, 2019 [7 favorites]
That said, I think what plonkee said about the administration setting you up as a scapegoat for their own racism might be true. They want to show they are "doing something" to fix the sick culture they created. By punishing you they can say, look we have handled the problem! I would look out for yourself and your career a bit now even as you admit what you did wrong and make restitution appropriately. Do not allow them to transfer their failures to you because those aren't (all) yours to carry.
posted by coffeeand at 8:13 AM on March 1, 2019 [7 favorites]
am a wreck although I don't think my feelings matter nor do I deserve anyone at the school's time and attention right now.
You are being way too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, it's part of being a human being. It was a honest, genuine oversight. Really, you did nothing wrong intentionally. So, yes, your feelings do matter. My two cents.
Hang in there. This will blow over. Do what you can, acknowledge what fault you had in this, apologize if necessary, but don't beat yourself up. :)
posted by dubious_dude at 9:12 AM on March 1, 2019 [6 favorites]
You are being way too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, it's part of being a human being. It was a honest, genuine oversight. Really, you did nothing wrong intentionally. So, yes, your feelings do matter. My two cents.
Hang in there. This will blow over. Do what you can, acknowledge what fault you had in this, apologize if necessary, but don't beat yourself up. :)
posted by dubious_dude at 9:12 AM on March 1, 2019 [6 favorites]
Feel like I need to amend what I said above. I'm not qualified to judge whether you should be fired based on this infraction, but my strong feeling is, if they're firing you, you should not be the only one getting fired here.
posted by coffeeand at 9:24 AM on March 1, 2019
posted by coffeeand at 9:24 AM on March 1, 2019
On another note: Malfunctioning organizations of this kind are first, always balanced so that one small thing tips everything over into dumpster-fire territory, and second, always primed for the one small thing. This was the case with my previous org, even though the individuals involved were, individually, good people*.
Based on your description, I suspect that your school is in many ways set up to create failures. If it has a history of being unable to address microaggressions and a history of low-level, persistent racism, it is a place where there will always be periodic crises. Those crises may be, like this one, large responses to accidental mistakes, because all the problems are small and hard to grasp. The unintentional mistake is a something that can't be denied or what-abouted away, unlike the persistent microaggressions, etc.
In the long, long run and on a selfish personal level, you should consider whether the administration takes school-wide steps or not and consider whether you want to stay. You made a mistake and you want to apologize, make amends and change what you do. You can individually restructure your work process and educate yourself so that you don't make this kind of mistake in the future. If the school itself doesn't change, you'll just be caught up in a dumpster-fire-machine forever, even if you yourself work hard to fix your problems. A bad organization will go from crisis to crisis even if the individuals within it try hard.
*And I do mean that - people who consistently directed money and time toward POC-led projects, people who took oppression seriously, people who read and studied and worked, people who really did sacrifice time and well-being to try to achieve their beliefs. Good individuals who can be relied upon when individual actions are in question can still create horrible, harmful disasters when they come together into a badly-run, poorly conceived, self-deluding organization.
posted by Frowner at 9:32 AM on March 1, 2019 [18 favorites]
Based on your description, I suspect that your school is in many ways set up to create failures. If it has a history of being unable to address microaggressions and a history of low-level, persistent racism, it is a place where there will always be periodic crises. Those crises may be, like this one, large responses to accidental mistakes, because all the problems are small and hard to grasp. The unintentional mistake is a something that can't be denied or what-abouted away, unlike the persistent microaggressions, etc.
In the long, long run and on a selfish personal level, you should consider whether the administration takes school-wide steps or not and consider whether you want to stay. You made a mistake and you want to apologize, make amends and change what you do. You can individually restructure your work process and educate yourself so that you don't make this kind of mistake in the future. If the school itself doesn't change, you'll just be caught up in a dumpster-fire-machine forever, even if you yourself work hard to fix your problems. A bad organization will go from crisis to crisis even if the individuals within it try hard.
*And I do mean that - people who consistently directed money and time toward POC-led projects, people who took oppression seriously, people who read and studied and worked, people who really did sacrifice time and well-being to try to achieve their beliefs. Good individuals who can be relied upon when individual actions are in question can still create horrible, harmful disasters when they come together into a badly-run, poorly conceived, self-deluding organization.
posted by Frowner at 9:32 AM on March 1, 2019 [18 favorites]
You're not a racist, you're a bad copy editor. That said, it sounds like your school could be about to throw you under the bus to try to compensate for other, larger problems that go way beyond you. Definitely talk to your union rep if you have one!
Agree that more context is needed around the use of the word, and around whether the non-US students understand the complexity of its use in our particular national situation.
posted by mccxxiii at 10:00 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
Agree that more context is needed around the use of the word, and around whether the non-US students understand the complexity of its use in our particular national situation.
posted by mccxxiii at 10:00 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
I will make an anonymous donation to our school's fund for supporting diversity, equity, and inclusion.
This seems like a lovely and constructive way to assuage some of the guilt you're feeling about your mistake.
I will write thank you notes and give food gift cards to administrators who are working overtime on this.
This is not necessary. They are doing the jobs they are hired to do, which includes dealing with the consequences of inadvertent errors. If somebody's fuck-up meant I got overtime pay, I'd want to send them a card.
I am not planning to eat in the dining hall for the time being, and I am avoiding walking in the halls and making eye contact with any students or adults.
Wait, what? No, why would you do this? This level of self-abasement is completely incommensurate with the nature of the mistake you made.
I am going to schedule an appointment with a therapist.
Probably a good idea. Whether this was a literal failure to see the word (pages stuck together, fr.ex) or you blithely glossed over it because white privilege allows you to see words like "colored" without alarm bells going off, you are being frighteningly hard on yourself in a way that is not going to help you, the students, the school, or anyone.
I want to reach out to a person of color who I am friendly with who works in this field to request her perspective and buy her dinner or the equivalent, yet I dont feel ok asking for POCs free opinions on my role in this or making it feel transactional by buying dinner so I really don't know if I'll go through with that.
If you don't feel comfortable asking your PoC sorta-friend's advice, either as a friend or in a transactional way, then probably don't.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:17 AM on March 1, 2019 [5 favorites]
This seems like a lovely and constructive way to assuage some of the guilt you're feeling about your mistake.
I will write thank you notes and give food gift cards to administrators who are working overtime on this.
This is not necessary. They are doing the jobs they are hired to do, which includes dealing with the consequences of inadvertent errors. If somebody's fuck-up meant I got overtime pay, I'd want to send them a card.
I am not planning to eat in the dining hall for the time being, and I am avoiding walking in the halls and making eye contact with any students or adults.
Wait, what? No, why would you do this? This level of self-abasement is completely incommensurate with the nature of the mistake you made.
I am going to schedule an appointment with a therapist.
Probably a good idea. Whether this was a literal failure to see the word (pages stuck together, fr.ex) or you blithely glossed over it because white privilege allows you to see words like "colored" without alarm bells going off, you are being frighteningly hard on yourself in a way that is not going to help you, the students, the school, or anyone.
I want to reach out to a person of color who I am friendly with who works in this field to request her perspective and buy her dinner or the equivalent, yet I dont feel ok asking for POCs free opinions on my role in this or making it feel transactional by buying dinner so I really don't know if I'll go through with that.
If you don't feel comfortable asking your PoC sorta-friend's advice, either as a friend or in a transactional way, then probably don't.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:17 AM on March 1, 2019 [5 favorites]
The White Supremecy and Me workbook has been recommended a LOT in the circles I'm in. This might be a very good way to do some proactive work to make sure you are a better ally in and out of the classroom.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 10:30 AM on March 1, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 10:30 AM on March 1, 2019 [9 favorites]
I am a wreck although I don't think my feelings matter nor do I deserve anyone at the school's time and attention right now. But I don't know what to do....
I am not planning to eat in the dining hall for the time being, and I am avoiding walking in the halls and making eye contact with any students or adults.
One thing I would encourage you to do is to sit with your discomfort, and go back to your regular school routines and paths. You allowed something to happen that hurt people, and avoiding them and not making eye contact continues to draw attention to yourself and what you did. It makes it about your feelings, even though you may think it is doing the opposite.
On the same note, I wouldn't ask your acquaintance to unpack this with you. Your instinct there is correct; it's not her job to educate you for free. The center of this situation is really the students who are upset (both those who gave the presentation and those who watched it) and the institution of the school. Your individual processing is on you. Besides seeing a therapist, I would recommend seeking some anti-racist education on your own. There are many people doing this professionally--that's the route to take, rather than asking a person to educate you about themself for free.
Some anti-racist lecturers that might be helpful:
Rachel Cargle
Rachel Rickets
posted by assenav at 10:32 AM on March 1, 2019 [9 favorites]
I am not planning to eat in the dining hall for the time being, and I am avoiding walking in the halls and making eye contact with any students or adults.
One thing I would encourage you to do is to sit with your discomfort, and go back to your regular school routines and paths. You allowed something to happen that hurt people, and avoiding them and not making eye contact continues to draw attention to yourself and what you did. It makes it about your feelings, even though you may think it is doing the opposite.
On the same note, I wouldn't ask your acquaintance to unpack this with you. Your instinct there is correct; it's not her job to educate you for free. The center of this situation is really the students who are upset (both those who gave the presentation and those who watched it) and the institution of the school. Your individual processing is on you. Besides seeing a therapist, I would recommend seeking some anti-racist education on your own. There are many people doing this professionally--that's the route to take, rather than asking a person to educate you about themself for free.
Some anti-racist lecturers that might be helpful:
Rachel Cargle
Rachel Rickets
posted by assenav at 10:32 AM on March 1, 2019 [9 favorites]
I appreciate that you're trying to figure out how to strike a balance between making amends and centering yourself & your feelings. That's important. People were hurt by your actions.
I could not disagree more with this comment:
Even with good intentions, you can do things that hurt others. The important thing is how you fix it. Again, I think you already know this, but I'm reiterating it because there are so many comments here that apply white-apologism, which is an element of white supremacy.
Some of the solutions to this situation won't "feel good." Remind yourself that making amends is not always about making yourself feel better. That's something to work on separately, after the damage has been addressed.
posted by homodachi at 11:27 AM on March 1, 2019 [8 favorites]
I could not disagree more with this comment:
You are being way too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, it's part of being a human being. It was a honest, genuine oversight. Really, you did nothing wrong intentionally.People were hurt by your actions, regardless of your intent. From your post, I think you already know this, but there are still replies here that may tempt you into glossing over it. Please don't do that.
Even with good intentions, you can do things that hurt others. The important thing is how you fix it. Again, I think you already know this, but I'm reiterating it because there are so many comments here that apply white-apologism, which is an element of white supremacy.
Some of the solutions to this situation won't "feel good." Remind yourself that making amends is not always about making yourself feel better. That's something to work on separately, after the damage has been addressed.
posted by homodachi at 11:27 AM on March 1, 2019 [8 favorites]
Skipped over all of the responses to your faux-pas. Because it was a regrettable error. You are not a racist - you are a very human being. As a person of color, I believe you feel shame, but as I am not a student at your school, I can totally understand why they're over it. Especially if there's some sort of history there. I strongly urge you to not hide, but own up to your mistake. If you want to keep a low profile to diffuse tension at the school, then consult with leadership, but that's kinda the point of shame.
Being a part of the solution sometimes means realizing that we were unintentionally part of the problem. You've recognized your mistake; stop beating yourself up about it. Don't vilify yourself and your existence over a very regrettable error.
Thank you so much for taking time out to explain. I kinda wish more people would feel this level of shame at some of their unintentional errors.
posted by theseventhstranger at 12:36 PM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
Being a part of the solution sometimes means realizing that we were unintentionally part of the problem. You've recognized your mistake; stop beating yourself up about it. Don't vilify yourself and your existence over a very regrettable error.
Thank you so much for taking time out to explain. I kinda wish more people would feel this level of shame at some of their unintentional errors.
posted by theseventhstranger at 12:36 PM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
white privilege allows you to see words like "colored" without alarm bells going off,
this isn't possible for anyone under 50, isn't very plausible for anyone else, and it's not clear that the questioner was even claiming such a thing to begin with. The only reasonably well-educated white Americans who don't have a startle response to the word "colored" applied to race in an contemporary context are Americans who grew up when it was a socially accepted term to print in the paper. it's been half a century since then.
Even insulated and isolated white children learn terms like this in one of two ways: either from reading old books, seeing old movies, and paying attention in history class, or from hearing much older or retro-racist relatives and peers use it. All these kinds of exposure come with built-in context, whether tacit or spelled out. And if they somehow never see or hear it, even easier: they know it's not a thing people say. Social norms and quasi-taboos implant reflexes that can be broken intentionally but do not just fall away by accident; failing to realize this isn't acceptable terminology is not some kind of unfortunate but normal by product of regular old white privilege. The kind of people who used to be coy about Why is 'colored' offensive if 'people of color' is ok? were carrying on those games, what, twenty years ago? more? and it was a transparent act then, too. it was feigned confusion as racist play. rush limbaugh stuff. I remember this from middle school.
I am able to believe that the OP either didn't see the word at all, or saw it but didn't read whatever followed and so didn't realize it was attached to "people" or pertaining to race. That is possible. I am also able to believe that it might have been a poster about historical racism or who knows, the founding of the NAACP, and an adult might assume or read in a context that the students failed to overtly communicate. that could be the whole issue, it could be purely a failure of oversight, not of comprehension. It is completely possible that they simply have an overactive anxious-guilt gland.
However, that is all generous speculation that may not be applicable. the OP used the word "racism" and they, alone of everyone here, are privy to all the highly relevant details.
This: I apologized publicly to the entire school and drafted a brief, to-the-point-apology email that was reviewed by leadership and I was asked not to send it.
makes me extremely curious to know what was in both the public apology and the email. What did it say and why did they not want it circulated?
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:32 PM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
this isn't possible for anyone under 50, isn't very plausible for anyone else, and it's not clear that the questioner was even claiming such a thing to begin with. The only reasonably well-educated white Americans who don't have a startle response to the word "colored" applied to race in an contemporary context are Americans who grew up when it was a socially accepted term to print in the paper. it's been half a century since then.
Even insulated and isolated white children learn terms like this in one of two ways: either from reading old books, seeing old movies, and paying attention in history class, or from hearing much older or retro-racist relatives and peers use it. All these kinds of exposure come with built-in context, whether tacit or spelled out. And if they somehow never see or hear it, even easier: they know it's not a thing people say. Social norms and quasi-taboos implant reflexes that can be broken intentionally but do not just fall away by accident; failing to realize this isn't acceptable terminology is not some kind of unfortunate but normal by product of regular old white privilege. The kind of people who used to be coy about Why is 'colored' offensive if 'people of color' is ok? were carrying on those games, what, twenty years ago? more? and it was a transparent act then, too. it was feigned confusion as racist play. rush limbaugh stuff. I remember this from middle school.
I am able to believe that the OP either didn't see the word at all, or saw it but didn't read whatever followed and so didn't realize it was attached to "people" or pertaining to race. That is possible. I am also able to believe that it might have been a poster about historical racism or who knows, the founding of the NAACP, and an adult might assume or read in a context that the students failed to overtly communicate. that could be the whole issue, it could be purely a failure of oversight, not of comprehension. It is completely possible that they simply have an overactive anxious-guilt gland.
However, that is all generous speculation that may not be applicable. the OP used the word "racism" and they, alone of everyone here, are privy to all the highly relevant details.
This: I apologized publicly to the entire school and drafted a brief, to-the-point-apology email that was reviewed by leadership and I was asked not to send it.
makes me extremely curious to know what was in both the public apology and the email. What did it say and why did they not want it circulated?
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:32 PM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
So, I'm a POC in higher education. Every semester, in classes with both white and non-white students, I have to correct ALL of the students against using the term "colored." Every semester for at least the last 6 years. I think for many they're unclear about the historical/contextual difference between "colored" and "person of color."
So you missed a huge teaching opportunity, but it also sounds like there are much, much bigger issues going on at your school and yes, you are being scapegoated a bit. It's an outdated and problematic term in the US. It's something that all students--not just the international ones--need to be educated about. A simple apology and a willingness to educate oneself and others should suffice.
And, gently: avoiding the dining hall, not making eye contact, etc: it's making yourself into a pariah and making this all about you, rather than how your school community can all move past this. Don't do that, please.
posted by TwoStride at 2:03 PM on March 1, 2019 [32 favorites]
So you missed a huge teaching opportunity, but it also sounds like there are much, much bigger issues going on at your school and yes, you are being scapegoated a bit. It's an outdated and problematic term in the US. It's something that all students--not just the international ones--need to be educated about. A simple apology and a willingness to educate oneself and others should suffice.
And, gently: avoiding the dining hall, not making eye contact, etc: it's making yourself into a pariah and making this all about you, rather than how your school community can all move past this. Don't do that, please.
posted by TwoStride at 2:03 PM on March 1, 2019 [32 favorites]
You sound like you're in panic mode, or were when you wrote this. Panic mode is not a good place to make decisions, so try to sit on your hands until it passes.
Given the background situation you describe it sounds like you do have a powerful opportunity to model for your students how to accept mistakes, learn from them and move on. They probably don't need to learn that when they screw up they should avoid eating in the dining hall or avoid making eye contact, etc. Those things are still, I assume, part of your job of being there for your students? So focus on setting aside your anxiety and upset - ideally those things shouldn't impact your availability to them. I can't advise you on how to address this with them but you might look to other people in similar situations.
posted by bunderful at 6:37 AM on March 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Given the background situation you describe it sounds like you do have a powerful opportunity to model for your students how to accept mistakes, learn from them and move on. They probably don't need to learn that when they screw up they should avoid eating in the dining hall or avoid making eye contact, etc. Those things are still, I assume, part of your job of being there for your students? So focus on setting aside your anxiety and upset - ideally those things shouldn't impact your availability to them. I can't advise you on how to address this with them but you might look to other people in similar situations.
posted by bunderful at 6:37 AM on March 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by JonB at 11:49 PM on February 28, 2019 [48 favorites]