What's the opposite of a biological clock?
February 28, 2019 7:04 PM Subscribe
I've always thought I wanted children, but over the last several months I've wanted them less and less. I just turned 30. What's going on?
From about 18 until 28, I was in a series of long-term relationships. In all of them, I desperately wanted children and would daydream about it frequently. Timing was never right - money, mostly - so it never happened even though I got quite depressed about it at times, knowing I was years away from being able to make babies happen.
Not quite two years ago I split from my most recent ex, and then ended up being single for a year and a half, going to therapy, getting on anxiety medication, and in general doing a lot of work on myself. I'm not positive that's related but it could be. For most of the time that I was single, I still wanted children badly, and felt anxious about not finding someone special in time to have (biological) children.
About 6 months ago, I started to have this nagging feeling that perhaps I didn't want children after all. I tried to ignore it but it got stronger and stronger. I love my life so much - I have dogs, friends, creative pursuits, a home, a garden, I travel frequently, I have a great career, lots of things that mean very much to me. I am comfortable and growing. I am happy every day. I started to think about how having children would mean giving most of that up. No time for my hobbies, myself, my mental health. Whereas children in public used to delight me, they've started to annoy me.
I turned 30 a couple of months ago, and I'm in a (fairly new) relationship, and I still feel as if I don't want children. But I don't understand how it's possible to spend most of your adult life wanting nothing more than to make a family, and have that suddenly shift. I always thought it was supposed to go the other way around - waking up one day, an adult, and suddenly feeling like you MUST have children even though you never thought you would. Perhaps that will still happen, and my desires will shift back? Perhaps once I fall deeply in love with my current partner I will want children again, because I will want the children we make together? (FWIW, my partner is also ambivalent about kids.)
Has anyone experienced this opposite-day biological clock? What happened?
From about 18 until 28, I was in a series of long-term relationships. In all of them, I desperately wanted children and would daydream about it frequently. Timing was never right - money, mostly - so it never happened even though I got quite depressed about it at times, knowing I was years away from being able to make babies happen.
Not quite two years ago I split from my most recent ex, and then ended up being single for a year and a half, going to therapy, getting on anxiety medication, and in general doing a lot of work on myself. I'm not positive that's related but it could be. For most of the time that I was single, I still wanted children badly, and felt anxious about not finding someone special in time to have (biological) children.
About 6 months ago, I started to have this nagging feeling that perhaps I didn't want children after all. I tried to ignore it but it got stronger and stronger. I love my life so much - I have dogs, friends, creative pursuits, a home, a garden, I travel frequently, I have a great career, lots of things that mean very much to me. I am comfortable and growing. I am happy every day. I started to think about how having children would mean giving most of that up. No time for my hobbies, myself, my mental health. Whereas children in public used to delight me, they've started to annoy me.
I turned 30 a couple of months ago, and I'm in a (fairly new) relationship, and I still feel as if I don't want children. But I don't understand how it's possible to spend most of your adult life wanting nothing more than to make a family, and have that suddenly shift. I always thought it was supposed to go the other way around - waking up one day, an adult, and suddenly feeling like you MUST have children even though you never thought you would. Perhaps that will still happen, and my desires will shift back? Perhaps once I fall deeply in love with my current partner I will want children again, because I will want the children we make together? (FWIW, my partner is also ambivalent about kids.)
Has anyone experienced this opposite-day biological clock? What happened?
You changed your mind.
Honestly, I think it’s extremely healthy to take a good look at yourself, your progress on your well-being, your current relationship status, and just basically the number of spoons you have to potentially dedicate to future offspring, and decide whether you do or don’t want kids. You’d be amazed at how many people don’t, and won’t, do that work. Good on you.
You might change your mind back, or not. Don’t sweat it. You are allowed to decide your life choices at given points in time. Reassess every couple years and see if your circumstances are likely to make it a good choice for you. If you decide each time that you’re happy without kids...fine! If you decide you want kids, okay! It’s YOUR life. You can choose your own direction.
Just for perspective, I’ve been childfree since I was 10. Kids annoyed me until I was about 38, when I sat down with myself and navel-gazed about why I found them annoying. It turns out that I like specific kids just fine, but when 99% of my kid interaction was being witness to tantrums in Target, no wonder I was annoyed. Now, 99% of my kid interaction is with kids I really enjoy, so I like kids generically a lot more than I used to.
Maybe you find kids annoying right now because you feel that a surprise pregnancy would threaten your awesome life. Maybe doubling down on the birth control (IUD + condoms, or whatever) would help alleviate that. But if you need an outside voice to tell you that it’s 1000% okay for you to decide that yesterday’s dream would not be good for you today, then you’re hearing it from me. You are entitled to decide that for yourself and to change your mind as many times as you wish.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:30 PM on February 28, 2019 [10 favorites]
Honestly, I think it’s extremely healthy to take a good look at yourself, your progress on your well-being, your current relationship status, and just basically the number of spoons you have to potentially dedicate to future offspring, and decide whether you do or don’t want kids. You’d be amazed at how many people don’t, and won’t, do that work. Good on you.
You might change your mind back, or not. Don’t sweat it. You are allowed to decide your life choices at given points in time. Reassess every couple years and see if your circumstances are likely to make it a good choice for you. If you decide each time that you’re happy without kids...fine! If you decide you want kids, okay! It’s YOUR life. You can choose your own direction.
Just for perspective, I’ve been childfree since I was 10. Kids annoyed me until I was about 38, when I sat down with myself and navel-gazed about why I found them annoying. It turns out that I like specific kids just fine, but when 99% of my kid interaction was being witness to tantrums in Target, no wonder I was annoyed. Now, 99% of my kid interaction is with kids I really enjoy, so I like kids generically a lot more than I used to.
Maybe you find kids annoying right now because you feel that a surprise pregnancy would threaten your awesome life. Maybe doubling down on the birth control (IUD + condoms, or whatever) would help alleviate that. But if you need an outside voice to tell you that it’s 1000% okay for you to decide that yesterday’s dream would not be good for you today, then you’re hearing it from me. You are entitled to decide that for yourself and to change your mind as many times as you wish.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:30 PM on February 28, 2019 [10 favorites]
My feelings have changed in the same way: spent my early 20s desperately wanting kids; by my mid 30s, I was pretty sure I didn't. I still don't know what the right thing for me is going to be, and I have no idea what any of this "means," and so I have basically zero advice for you. But you're not alone, and the fact that this isn't the canonical direction our feelings are "supposed" to change in doesn't make our feelings any less real.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:30 PM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:30 PM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
My experience is a bit different than yours, in that I’ve never longed for children, but I certainly had times in my 20’s when I was excited to have children with my partner. Those feelings have completely gone away now that I’m in my 30’s, even though I’m in a stable relationship with someone who would make a great co-parent.
I chalk this up to the uncertainty of our generation about basically everything. The older I get, the more I crave stability and sure things. I have no idea what your financial situation is, but I can barely take care of myself some days. I fought to get a steady work, to get on top of bills, to build a nest egg, deal with the health issues that three decades can bring on. Kids would fuck that up. I’m so tired and burnt out from taking care of myself and so anxious about becoming the fully realized human that I want to be that I can’t imagine adding a wild card like a kid and helping them become a fully realized person!
That being said, I see people all the time joyfully welcome children in situations that I would panic to be having a child in. That doesn’t mean they were wrong to have a child! But I have learned to honor my personality that worries about everything and wants to plan and have a routine down. Perhaps this is your personality, too?
Or it could be hormonal or situational — it could be many things. If it helps, I know a woman who lights up just thinking about her children and she had them in her 40’s, not being ready or sure about them in her 30’s (but otherwise lived the rest of her life thinking she would have kids). For her it was situational to meeting the right partner and it worked out well. She’s advised me to never say never but to not stress, as there are many ways to have children even if biological means “expire.” It’s good advice, I think.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 7:40 PM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
I chalk this up to the uncertainty of our generation about basically everything. The older I get, the more I crave stability and sure things. I have no idea what your financial situation is, but I can barely take care of myself some days. I fought to get a steady work, to get on top of bills, to build a nest egg, deal with the health issues that three decades can bring on. Kids would fuck that up. I’m so tired and burnt out from taking care of myself and so anxious about becoming the fully realized human that I want to be that I can’t imagine adding a wild card like a kid and helping them become a fully realized person!
That being said, I see people all the time joyfully welcome children in situations that I would panic to be having a child in. That doesn’t mean they were wrong to have a child! But I have learned to honor my personality that worries about everything and wants to plan and have a routine down. Perhaps this is your personality, too?
Or it could be hormonal or situational — it could be many things. If it helps, I know a woman who lights up just thinking about her children and she had them in her 40’s, not being ready or sure about them in her 30’s (but otherwise lived the rest of her life thinking she would have kids). For her it was situational to meeting the right partner and it worked out well. She’s advised me to never say never but to not stress, as there are many ways to have children even if biological means “expire.” It’s good advice, I think.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 7:40 PM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
I also always assumed I would have kids, daydreamed about names, and even broke off a minor dating relationship in college in part because the guy didn’t want kids. Ironically, on my wedding day my bridesmaids and I were talking as we were getting ready, and one of them who had recently married idly speculated about having kids in the near future, and I had this weird, viscerally negative reaction to the idea. I really don’t know where it came from, but since that point (and it’s now 20 years later), I have never wanted kids. And honestly, it’s never been for any particular reason, I don’t hate children or anything. It’s just not for me.
So yes, I too have the opposite of a biological clock. I think it might be more common that we think, but it’s still not really socially acceptable for women to just not be interested in motherhood the way men are allowed to not want to be fathers.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 7:48 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
So yes, I too have the opposite of a biological clock. I think it might be more common that we think, but it’s still not really socially acceptable for women to just not be interested in motherhood the way men are allowed to not want to be fathers.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 7:48 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
I think that if I’d been dealt a (wildly) different set of cards and I’d gotten accidentally pregnant at like 26 or something I might have been both arrogant enough and dumb enough to go through with it. Not to say it would have been a mistake (although in my case...definitely a mistake), but my perception of what kids would require, what my own strengths and weaknesses were, what actually did and didn’t bring me joy — all of that was itself nascent. I didn’t really know myself at 26, tbh, even though if you’d asked me I would have said I did.
I was just young and stupid and thought I knew everything.
Ten years later, I know enough to have a realistic idea of what having kids entails, and it rightly terrifies me. I know some people stare down that barrel and suit up (or whatever), but like...holy shit it really fucks you up. I think you have to really want it, to have a realistic idea of what it means and still do it.
Anyway. You have more info about yourself and the world. It’s a good thing to let experience change your opinions or desires. I don’t think this is some incomprehensible, strange thing that must be explained; I think it’s normal.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:59 PM on February 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
I was just young and stupid and thought I knew everything.
Ten years later, I know enough to have a realistic idea of what having kids entails, and it rightly terrifies me. I know some people stare down that barrel and suit up (or whatever), but like...holy shit it really fucks you up. I think you have to really want it, to have a realistic idea of what it means and still do it.
Anyway. You have more info about yourself and the world. It’s a good thing to let experience change your opinions or desires. I don’t think this is some incomprehensible, strange thing that must be explained; I think it’s normal.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:59 PM on February 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
There can be a difference between daydreaming about kids and facing the reality of what kids mean. You weren’t in a position to seriously consider it previously. It was a “someday” idea. Now you are examining the real effects of it with where you are in life.
I am child free by choice. With age I’ve only gotten stronger in that choice because the realities of life with kids is more aparant from the people around me.
As an example - I ADORE cats. I would not own a cat (and my spouse is allergic.) The responsibility of owning a cat -if I could- outweighs the benefit of that sweet, sweet kitty love.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:13 PM on February 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
I am child free by choice. With age I’ve only gotten stronger in that choice because the realities of life with kids is more aparant from the people around me.
As an example - I ADORE cats. I would not own a cat (and my spouse is allergic.) The responsibility of owning a cat -if I could- outweighs the benefit of that sweet, sweet kitty love.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:13 PM on February 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
It might be that you don't want kids because you are at an age where you can see the reality of having kids more clearly. I have two kids (now teens) that I think are amazing but not gonna lie, having little kids is really exhausting. In your twenties the image of having kids is that it's going to be this transformative, magical experience, but by the time you are 30 some of your friends might have had kids, and you realize that in addition to being magical, there is also tiredness, stickiness, and not being able to go to the bathroom by yourself.
When you were 19 maybe you were convinced you wanted kids, but that doesn't mean you have to want it now -- you probably wouldn't let a 19 yr old make life plans for you now, so there's no reason to let your former self tell you what you want. There's this assumption that wanting kids is the norm and you have to explain not wanting kids. But it just sounds to me like you learned more about yourself, through therapy and life experiences, and just changed your mind.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:36 PM on February 28, 2019 [11 favorites]
When you were 19 maybe you were convinced you wanted kids, but that doesn't mean you have to want it now -- you probably wouldn't let a 19 yr old make life plans for you now, so there's no reason to let your former self tell you what you want. There's this assumption that wanting kids is the norm and you have to explain not wanting kids. But it just sounds to me like you learned more about yourself, through therapy and life experiences, and just changed your mind.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:36 PM on February 28, 2019 [11 favorites]
I have never been desperate for kids but kind of just assumed I'd have them for a lot of my 20s. Now I'm 33 and over the last couple of years have been more and more sure I don't want them, basically for many of the reasons you list plus worry about the environment & the world in general!
Also, I think it is interesting you have dogs. I also have dogs, and have joked a lot about my dogs filling a child-shaped void for me. Though I joke about it I actually think it is possible that having something to care for takes away the desire to have children, for some people anyway!
posted by thereader at 8:39 PM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
Also, I think it is interesting you have dogs. I also have dogs, and have joked a lot about my dogs filling a child-shaped void for me. Though I joke about it I actually think it is possible that having something to care for takes away the desire to have children, for some people anyway!
posted by thereader at 8:39 PM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
It's also possible that (like me) when you were younger you didn't really have a good idea of the landscape of ways women can have a fulfilling life without kids. But naturally, getting older you start to find your place in the world, and see much more clearly that interesting and attractive non-kid-centred options are available and that it's possible for you to have them.
posted by quacks like a duck at 11:26 PM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by quacks like a duck at 11:26 PM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]
This was me! I always just assumed that I’d have 2, but get started in my 30’s. Once my mid-30’s rolled around, I realized 1 would be what I wanted. Then, on really examining my own wishes and feelings, I decided on no kids. I’ve been partnered with the same person for the timeframe in question and we both went through the same process and came to the same final decision (thank goodness!)
I realized two things. The first was that being a mother is so tied into how we’re socialized as women and it is hard to untangle that. The decisions and feelings are often automatic and not deeply, routinely examined. Second was that even though I knew my partner and I would be excellent and loving parents, that wasn’t enough of a reason to have our own. Now I’m in my mid-40’s and we’re dedicated aunt/uncle figures in the lives of young friends and family. I’m so very happy about my decision. It was right for me. Partner feels th exact same way.
posted by quince at 11:34 PM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
I realized two things. The first was that being a mother is so tied into how we’re socialized as women and it is hard to untangle that. The decisions and feelings are often automatic and not deeply, routinely examined. Second was that even though I knew my partner and I would be excellent and loving parents, that wasn’t enough of a reason to have our own. Now I’m in my mid-40’s and we’re dedicated aunt/uncle figures in the lives of young friends and family. I’m so very happy about my decision. It was right for me. Partner feels th exact same way.
posted by quince at 11:34 PM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
But I don't understand how it's possible to spend most of your adult life wanting nothing more than to make a family, and have that suddenly shift.
Hormones. Literally hormones. The baby-making drive rises, peaks and then diminishes. There will even come a day when you can sniff a newborn's head and not have the immediate, momentary, transient urge to ride the nearest fertile male.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:26 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
Hormones. Literally hormones. The baby-making drive rises, peaks and then diminishes. There will even come a day when you can sniff a newborn's head and not have the immediate, momentary, transient urge to ride the nearest fertile male.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:26 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
Looking above, I N'th hormones; what we want changes as we age; society shifting can also influence what we want. But also, just the act that you're realizing that now you're finally able to go forward if you want will make you have to give new consideration to the costs; instead of just day dreaming of the ideals.
Sometimes it's more fun to want/think about things, than to actually have them given the costs. Not kid related example, but from time to time I'll hear about a new phone model, and I'll think about how it might still meet the specific needs that I have of small size/weight while performing better, and I'll joke with my wife about "Well, we can get me this, and then my phone can be handed down to kid A." But, if she says, "OK, send me the amazon link and I'll get it." then I think about the cost to family budget versus how long I've owned my current phone, and when it's time to actually push the button or not I decide that no, it's not worth the costs.
For my silly phone example, the cost is only money, but suddenly I no longer care so much for the benefits against the cost.
For a kid, there's the pregnancy issues (and from the time when you're 18 to now, you've likely learned a *lot* about the stresses/changes carrying a child to term can do to your body), there's drastic change of lifestyle issues (again, you've likely witnessed people/family's changes when having kids, and the realization of the range of 16-25 years (for just one kid) of constant obligation that will go along with it. Even more, there's the stresses of trying intentionally to conceive that doesn't always go smoothly for people. Which is to say that there's a *huge* set of costs (that I've only so briefly glossed over) that go along with actually having/trying to have kids, which you never had to consider when you knew it wasn't the right time, so it was just a day dream.
posted by nobeagle at 6:58 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
Sometimes it's more fun to want/think about things, than to actually have them given the costs. Not kid related example, but from time to time I'll hear about a new phone model, and I'll think about how it might still meet the specific needs that I have of small size/weight while performing better, and I'll joke with my wife about "Well, we can get me this, and then my phone can be handed down to kid A." But, if she says, "OK, send me the amazon link and I'll get it." then I think about the cost to family budget versus how long I've owned my current phone, and when it's time to actually push the button or not I decide that no, it's not worth the costs.
For my silly phone example, the cost is only money, but suddenly I no longer care so much for the benefits against the cost.
For a kid, there's the pregnancy issues (and from the time when you're 18 to now, you've likely learned a *lot* about the stresses/changes carrying a child to term can do to your body), there's drastic change of lifestyle issues (again, you've likely witnessed people/family's changes when having kids, and the realization of the range of 16-25 years (for just one kid) of constant obligation that will go along with it. Even more, there's the stresses of trying intentionally to conceive that doesn't always go smoothly for people. Which is to say that there's a *huge* set of costs (that I've only so briefly glossed over) that go along with actually having/trying to have kids, which you never had to consider when you knew it wasn't the right time, so it was just a day dream.
posted by nobeagle at 6:58 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
In a world with very nearly eight billion people in it, there is absolutely no good reason for you to make more if you don't want to.
I turned 30 a couple of months ago, and I'm in a (fairly new) relationship, and I still feel as if I don't want children. But I don't understand how it's possible to spend most of your adult life wanting nothing more than to make a family, and have that suddenly shift.
That will be because you've actually had very little time to get used to living with a fully working adult brain. It's been what, five years since yours finished growing in?
Welcome to full autonomy. It's a beautiful thing.
posted by flabdablet at 8:52 AM on March 1, 2019 [5 favorites]
I turned 30 a couple of months ago, and I'm in a (fairly new) relationship, and I still feel as if I don't want children. But I don't understand how it's possible to spend most of your adult life wanting nothing more than to make a family, and have that suddenly shift.
That will be because you've actually had very little time to get used to living with a fully working adult brain. It's been what, five years since yours finished growing in?
Welcome to full autonomy. It's a beautiful thing.
posted by flabdablet at 8:52 AM on March 1, 2019 [5 favorites]
Also, it is simply a fact that what we think will make us happy quite often turns out to have very little to do with what actually does make us happy; for my money, the latter is far more worth your attention.
posted by flabdablet at 8:55 AM on March 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 8:55 AM on March 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
If your birth control situation has changed, that might be a factor. I had no desire for kids at all when I was on the pill, which was most of my teens and twenties. Now that I have one child, I mostly don't want them at all again--except when I ovulate and my evil body tries to trick me. We're extra careful with contraception those days.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:57 AM on March 1, 2019
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:57 AM on March 1, 2019
I don't think this is a "biological clock" related thing. Or a biological anything related thing.
I think this is happening because it's easy to say that you'd like to have children "someday". But, yes, as you enter your 30s -- whether because of the constant female reproductive timeline panic, or because you see your peers starting to do it -- having children is suddenly a lot more immediate. And, if you have close family or friends who have kids, you start seeing the actual day to day reality rather than the idealized version. Which isn't to say that having kids is bad! But just that, wow, it's super complicated. And it's completely OK to realize that, now that you know how complicated it is, you'd rather not.
For the record, I also cooled on having kids in my 30s, despite a lot of my friends doing the opposite and more culturally ingrained "baby crazy" thing.
Also, you know the "have kids before 35 or else!" thing is bunk, right? While, yes, there is an end date to fertility, and you shouldn't live life as if you have literally forever (and there are some other pragmatic factors as to when/whether to have a child), women are not cartons of milk. We do not have an expiration date. Realistically, unless you're being told otherwise by your doctor, who is advising you on your specific reproductive health issues based on examination/testing of your actual body, you probably have at least another 10 years to decide about this.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 11:16 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think this is happening because it's easy to say that you'd like to have children "someday". But, yes, as you enter your 30s -- whether because of the constant female reproductive timeline panic, or because you see your peers starting to do it -- having children is suddenly a lot more immediate. And, if you have close family or friends who have kids, you start seeing the actual day to day reality rather than the idealized version. Which isn't to say that having kids is bad! But just that, wow, it's super complicated. And it's completely OK to realize that, now that you know how complicated it is, you'd rather not.
For the record, I also cooled on having kids in my 30s, despite a lot of my friends doing the opposite and more culturally ingrained "baby crazy" thing.
Also, you know the "have kids before 35 or else!" thing is bunk, right? While, yes, there is an end date to fertility, and you shouldn't live life as if you have literally forever (and there are some other pragmatic factors as to when/whether to have a child), women are not cartons of milk. We do not have an expiration date. Realistically, unless you're being told otherwise by your doctor, who is advising you on your specific reproductive health issues based on examination/testing of your actual body, you probably have at least another 10 years to decide about this.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 11:16 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
Okay, I read through and haven't seen this mentioned, so, for a data point: I'm now 45, and for most of my life I knew I wanted to have children, except when I was prescribed antidepressants. Then that longing went away.
I never did have any kids, and my regret was pretty keen... until just recently, when I started taking escitalopram for my long-standing anxiety issues. Things are going pretty okay thus far, and the edge on that regret is noticeably dulled, too.
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:07 PM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
I never did have any kids, and my regret was pretty keen... until just recently, when I started taking escitalopram for my long-standing anxiety issues. Things are going pretty okay thus far, and the edge on that regret is noticeably dulled, too.
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:07 PM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
I thought I wanted kids until I was about your age. I never desperately wanted them, but I would fantasize about it, and I just kind of assumed it would happen.
But when I was around your age (maybe a little older), I realized I would be ok either way, and then a little while later, I realized that I didn't actually really want kids all that much. For me it was a few things:
- I wasn't unhappy in my twenties, but I was definitely a bit ... looking for my life purpose. As you do in your twenties. And kids are a great source of meaning and purpose. But as I started finding other things that gave me meaning, and getting more serious about building the kind of life I wanted, kids seemed less and less important.
- I realized I always liked the idea of having kids in the future. But it was always "oh I'll want to have kids in five years." And I finally realized: a lot of times the things we think we'll want in the future are things we think we should want but aren't actually really yearning for. But once you get into your thirties the prospect of having kids becomes more of a "now" thing than a "sometime in the future" thing and that can give you a good reality check on what you actually want.
BTW, I had mixed feelings about not having kids in my mid-thirties, when all my friends were having babies, but that's pretty much gone away. I do sometimes think I might like to be a foster parent ... in five years, of course.
posted by lunasol at 4:53 PM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
But when I was around your age (maybe a little older), I realized I would be ok either way, and then a little while later, I realized that I didn't actually really want kids all that much. For me it was a few things:
- I wasn't unhappy in my twenties, but I was definitely a bit ... looking for my life purpose. As you do in your twenties. And kids are a great source of meaning and purpose. But as I started finding other things that gave me meaning, and getting more serious about building the kind of life I wanted, kids seemed less and less important.
- I realized I always liked the idea of having kids in the future. But it was always "oh I'll want to have kids in five years." And I finally realized: a lot of times the things we think we'll want in the future are things we think we should want but aren't actually really yearning for. But once you get into your thirties the prospect of having kids becomes more of a "now" thing than a "sometime in the future" thing and that can give you a good reality check on what you actually want.
BTW, I had mixed feelings about not having kids in my mid-thirties, when all my friends were having babies, but that's pretty much gone away. I do sometimes think I might like to be a foster parent ... in five years, of course.
posted by lunasol at 4:53 PM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
The only time I ever had even the slight urge to reproduce was when I was dating someone who wanted to have kids with me. It sort of alarms me in hindsight because it is clear to me now that he wanted them so badly his desire was somehow, hormonally, pheremonally if that's possible, influencing me to want the same. I refused because of finances. I am now very glad I listened to pragmatism and not a transitory urge, because when we broke up, that half-baked wistfulness went away and I have never felt it since.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 5:40 PM on March 1, 2019
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 5:40 PM on March 1, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
You may still change your mind and have kids, but it comes from a different place now.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:24 PM on February 28, 2019 [27 favorites]