How can I strengthen my relationship with my younger sister-in-law?
December 29, 2018 4:06 PM Subscribe
I have big age difference with my sister-in-law, a lovely human who just started college. I'm mid-30s. We get along well and spend time together as a family, and occasionally the two of us go for coffee - but I'd like to do more help us build a closer relationship as peers and sisters, even though we're practically different generations.
I didn't grow up with sisters and I have trouble with getting close to people, in general, so I feel sort of at a loss at how to navigate this! We both love each other a lot and I think she'd welcome a closer relationship, especially as she enters adulthood -- and as the older one I feel responsible for fostering that. At the same time, I'm not trying to force anything. But I'd like to be more proactive about it. I'd be grateful for advice from those who've walked a similar path before.
I didn't grow up with sisters and I have trouble with getting close to people, in general, so I feel sort of at a loss at how to navigate this! We both love each other a lot and I think she'd welcome a closer relationship, especially as she enters adulthood -- and as the older one I feel responsible for fostering that. At the same time, I'm not trying to force anything. But I'd like to be more proactive about it. I'd be grateful for advice from those who've walked a similar path before.
Do you have any common interests? Invite her to do those things with you (horror movies, tacos, crochet, bird-watching...) Listen, show that you're interested in her world/perspective/experiences.
Be sensitive to the fact that even if she finds you awesome she's probably going to naturally spend more time with her peers and (hopefully) studying for now.
posted by bunderful at 4:43 PM on December 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
Be sensitive to the fact that even if she finds you awesome she's probably going to naturally spend more time with her peers and (hopefully) studying for now.
posted by bunderful at 4:43 PM on December 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
Time will take care of the age gap. Take the advice above for now and know that when she's 30ish and you're 45ish, that gap will start to become insignificant. I have a niece who's 16 years younger than me who I love to bits, and we have a blast hanging out.
posted by kate4914 at 4:49 PM on December 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by kate4914 at 4:49 PM on December 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Going for coffee is good. Any sort of ritual, especially if it's a bit "nice," like going to a slightly fancy coffee shop once a month, can make your relationship feel like a special treat.
The other thing is to be responsive. So if she texts at 1 am asking if you're up, respond if you can.
The other key thing is to listen, generally avoid unrequested advice, and be your real self. She's about to go through a lot of stuff, so having someone non-judgmental but a bit older, wiser, grounded, and outside the fray that she can talk to could be great.
posted by salvia at 7:26 PM on December 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
The other thing is to be responsive. So if she texts at 1 am asking if you're up, respond if you can.
The other key thing is to listen, generally avoid unrequested advice, and be your real self. She's about to go through a lot of stuff, so having someone non-judgmental but a bit older, wiser, grounded, and outside the fray that she can talk to could be great.
posted by salvia at 7:26 PM on December 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't know if she's going to ask for life advice or college major advice, but I've found that my younger family members absolutely glow when I respond to requests for advice with a sincere compliment of their ability to choose the path that works for them. I'll listen to them tell me pros and cons, but instead of me addng my perspective, a lot of times they just need to know I'll support them no matter what.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 8:33 PM on December 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 8:33 PM on December 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I have younger sisters who are roughly the same age difference between you and your sister-in-law. There are some really big things that have allowed my relationship with them to blossom over the years (as we moved from sisters to friends):
- No judgement . . . as others have mentioned, be willing to simply listen.
- As your relationship deepens, be willing to call out dumb shit - I typically do this in a lighthearted, loving way. Positive, solution-oriented honesty is rare between young peers; this was often something helpful I could bring to the table.
- Be aware of things going on in her life. I frequently made a point of texting my sisters on the morning of a big exam, or right before I went to bed if I knew they'd be up late working on a paper.
- Don't share things she tells you with other family members. Nothing is worse than sharing a piece of information (personal or not) with a relative and then getting a call from your mom about it two days later.
- If you're able to open your home to her, let her know that she's welcome to use your place as a weekend sanctuary/place to study or do laundry. One of my sisters recently told me that my place always felt like home to her and was a safe space when college life was rough.
- I checked the campus websites for "parent support package" options and sent both my sisters care packages arranged by student government during finals week.
- Okay, here's the big one, the one my sisters both talk about TO THIS DAY: during a particularly stressful finals week, when I knew that they were both frazzled and frayed, I sent them pizza at 10:00 at night (like 4 or 5, enough to share and still have some for breakfast). They were at the same school, but in different dorms and years. They both immediately called each other and said, "Come over for pizza!" The annoyance of arranging late night pizza delivery to a college dormitory was SO worth their literal tears of joy. Because, you know, pizza.
- Just be there for her. I still remember, with gratitude, the adults who paid for my lunch when I was broke or sent me a card through campus mail. You're setting the stage now for a young person who will not only grow closer to you, but will one day want to pay forward your kindness.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 9:23 PM on December 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
- No judgement . . . as others have mentioned, be willing to simply listen.
- As your relationship deepens, be willing to call out dumb shit - I typically do this in a lighthearted, loving way. Positive, solution-oriented honesty is rare between young peers; this was often something helpful I could bring to the table.
- Be aware of things going on in her life. I frequently made a point of texting my sisters on the morning of a big exam, or right before I went to bed if I knew they'd be up late working on a paper.
- Don't share things she tells you with other family members. Nothing is worse than sharing a piece of information (personal or not) with a relative and then getting a call from your mom about it two days later.
- If you're able to open your home to her, let her know that she's welcome to use your place as a weekend sanctuary/place to study or do laundry. One of my sisters recently told me that my place always felt like home to her and was a safe space when college life was rough.
- I checked the campus websites for "parent support package" options and sent both my sisters care packages arranged by student government during finals week.
- Okay, here's the big one, the one my sisters both talk about TO THIS DAY: during a particularly stressful finals week, when I knew that they were both frazzled and frayed, I sent them pizza at 10:00 at night (like 4 or 5, enough to share and still have some for breakfast). They were at the same school, but in different dorms and years. They both immediately called each other and said, "Come over for pizza!" The annoyance of arranging late night pizza delivery to a college dormitory was SO worth their literal tears of joy. Because, you know, pizza.
- Just be there for her. I still remember, with gratitude, the adults who paid for my lunch when I was broke or sent me a card through campus mail. You're setting the stage now for a young person who will not only grow closer to you, but will one day want to pay forward your kindness.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 9:23 PM on December 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
Best answer: I’ve got family relationships like this in both directions. The thing that made me close to my cousins who are older than me was that they took an interest in the details of my life, and made space for me to talk about it ad nauseam. I’d talk on the phone with my cousin Helen while she did chores, or as she drove home from work. (Still do.) I’ve taken the same approach with my cousin Min, who is still in high school. When I’m home at my parents and running errands for them, she comes along and talks about her life while we’re going to the grocery store or whatever.
We’re all big talkers, so ymmv, but it works for us.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:06 AM on December 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
We’re all big talkers, so ymmv, but it works for us.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:06 AM on December 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
A friend's father sent us all Easter baskets one year. It was wonderful and so out of character for him. I remember it fondly.
Another friend would take me out to dinner and a movie about once a semester. I did the same for an honorary nephew. The highlight was taking him to see John Cleese. We both really enjoyed it.
posted by MichelleinMD at 8:25 AM on December 30, 2018
Another friend would take me out to dinner and a movie about once a semester. I did the same for an honorary nephew. The highlight was taking him to see John Cleese. We both really enjoyed it.
posted by MichelleinMD at 8:25 AM on December 30, 2018
If you can afford it, take her to do things that she can’t afford during her college years: concerts, movies, a nice dinner, a craft fair. Even a ride to the grocery store to buy heavy stuff. You could give her any home or kitchen items that you no longer need. I love the suggestion to open your home to her as a place to get away if she gets into a fight with roommates, e.g.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:56 AM on December 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:56 AM on December 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
The #1 thing is to not take it personally if she's too busy or doesn't want to spend a ton of time getting super close right now. Thinking back to my experience as a college student, I was caught up enough in youthful self-absorption that I wasn't very interested in becoming close friends with my older relatives. Getting upset at declined invitations etc. will torpedo your relationship, but being chill and inviting her to do cool things along with you (& her brother or your friends if applicable) will let her grow closer to you at her own pace. Giving her the option to bring a friend or two along to your cool outings or visits also helps.
posted by storytam at 9:55 PM on December 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by storytam at 9:55 PM on December 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the concrete suggestions as well as the general advice on how to think about this (and relax about it :). There's a lot you suggested that I wouldn't have thought to do myself and that feel really good - low key, low pressure, natural, fun - so thanks for helping expand my options.
I marked "best answer" for the ones that especially resonated and challenged me but, truly, I learned something from every answer! Thank you.
posted by inatizzy at 10:15 AM on December 31, 2018
I marked "best answer" for the ones that especially resonated and challenged me but, truly, I learned something from every answer! Thank you.
posted by inatizzy at 10:15 AM on December 31, 2018
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The rest will sort itself out and you'll naturally establiah how close you will be. Factors, such as Common interests, hobbies , personalities that just get along well together are more out of your control but you find them out by being around and doing what you are doing.
Best of luck!
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:37 PM on December 29, 2018 [3 favorites]