How to deal with complaints from co-workers?
November 12, 2018 6:53 PM Subscribe
I started a new job over six months ago and I really like it! So much in fact that I actually somewhat look forward to going to it, as much as one can look forward to going to work in the morning. I've been doing really well, receiving good feedback and feeling confident in my abilities, until I received a negative email from management outlining complaints from others and it has been causing me distress and I don't know how to deal with it.
So a couple of important notes: I got this job after being laid-off from my last job after the New Year. My last job was not good - at all. Long story but it was a small start-up with lots of workplace violations/harassment and I actually filed a complaint against them with the labour board when they terminated me after I asked for a raise. The job I had before that was at a call centre, which was even worse as it was my first job out of college and I had NO idea how to deal with office politics.
I'd like to think I'm a little better now since I've come a long way since then. I'm a very sensitive and emotional person naturally, also quite anxious, and have had my fair share of emotional breakdowns and panic attacks outside and inside the workplace (at both my last jobs). I started DBT therapy last year which I think has helped tremendously and I'm also on a SSRI, which I can 100% say has helped with my anxiety.
Today, I've been an anxious and over-thinking mess, ever since I received an email from my manager half an hour before clocking out. Basically, the email said that "a few people" have complained about myself and another employee chatting too much, which may be disruptive to others who are getting work done. I immediately guessed what this was about, as I'm a pretty quiet person normally but have recently befriended a new girl at work, as we share a lot of common interests. I'm pretty shy and in fact, when I first started working there, was constantly teased for being so quiet. The women I work with would say things like "oh wow! I didn't even know you were here - you're so quiet!" At work, I spend most of my time listening to podcasts while working and only really engage in small talk with most of my co-workers during and in between breaks, and sometimes on the way to my desk. It's never long winded.
After befriending my new colleague, we've gotten into the habit of catching up on our evenings in the morning when we both come in. Our desks are relatively close to each other so we tend to spend 2-5 mins. max talking about our days, weekends etc. Then we both strap in to our chairs and put our headphones on! The department I work in is pretty small is 99% women. Almost all of the women there do this too, exchange small talk and pleasantries and get caught up. I had no idea someone would ever complain about this and I feel small and terrible, like the "few people" who complained simply don't like me or my co-worker, or just have it out against me. I don't know if this is my anxiety speaking or what, but my new co-worker friend also received the same email and is worried, because she's only been around for like a month, so I feel bad for her but I also feel confused, because she often comes up to talk to me herself and my supervisor sits right behind us, so she's aware of our conversations and when we leave and come back for breaks. I don't know if my supervisor would've complained about this to the manager or it was an equal level employee. I imagine a supervisor would confront us and would tell us to keep it down rather going to the manager but I'm honestly not sure. My supervisor is great and
It may be important to note that almost everyone in my department is a contract employee, meaning there's definitely a bit of tension/competition, since the end goal is to get hired on as a permanent employee with benefits and all, and my company's been on somewhat of a hiring freeze, so this obviously doesn't help. I've also been learning quickly and management has noticed, since they've been training me in new processes and giving me more responsibilities for the last 3 months or so! I'm also bilingual, which allows me to take on responsibilities others in the department cannot.
I don't ask for extra work and I don't go out of my way to speak or suck up to my managers. In fact, I don't even know whether they like me or not since as contract employees, we don't get performance evaluations or anything of the sort. Instead, we just get offered extra work and training whenever management thinks we're ready. I feel like the fact that I've been doing this so much has made me a target, particularly with an older woman who is also bilingual, since she's made some weird, passive-aggressive remarks to me about my new duties at work. I have a gut feeling that she may be the one who complained, since she sits close to my colleague and I and has been known to complain to management about other trivial things.
Another reason I'm stressed out is that part of the email referred to us taking longer breaks than usual, which I have been guilty of! We get 15 min breaks and a half hour lunch and sometimes I'm a little late coming back. I noticed today that the time on my desk phone is ahead by a few minutes and have been referring to it when going on break, and I've definitely lost track of time in good conversation during lunch breaks and such and my manager mentioned that another manager has noticed this, so I imagine that this is coming from the supervisor who sits behind me.
So basically my manager lumped in my long break incidents in the same email as my "talking to cool new co-worker" complaint and so I'm completely stressed out and don't know how to address this, if I should. I already responded to my manager (admittedly I probably should've slept on it) and apologized for the late breaks, admitted that I sometimes combine my lunch with a 15 min break to take a longer lunch (which I was told was fine previously) and let her know that I'd be more mindful of my colleagues when talking and more mindful of my time.
I have so many questions! Should I speak to my manager directly about this? Is there anything else I should be doing to cover my butt or how should I act from now on in order to not stir up any office drama? Should I speak feel all sorts of weird for getting a disciplinary email like this, and maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and it's not a big deal, but all I can think of is "oh god! my new job is not as a cool as I thought and I'm a terrible employee or person who is oblivious and everyone hates me and I'm gonna get fired and the cycle is going to start up all over again!"
So a couple of important notes: I got this job after being laid-off from my last job after the New Year. My last job was not good - at all. Long story but it was a small start-up with lots of workplace violations/harassment and I actually filed a complaint against them with the labour board when they terminated me after I asked for a raise. The job I had before that was at a call centre, which was even worse as it was my first job out of college and I had NO idea how to deal with office politics.
I'd like to think I'm a little better now since I've come a long way since then. I'm a very sensitive and emotional person naturally, also quite anxious, and have had my fair share of emotional breakdowns and panic attacks outside and inside the workplace (at both my last jobs). I started DBT therapy last year which I think has helped tremendously and I'm also on a SSRI, which I can 100% say has helped with my anxiety.
Today, I've been an anxious and over-thinking mess, ever since I received an email from my manager half an hour before clocking out. Basically, the email said that "a few people" have complained about myself and another employee chatting too much, which may be disruptive to others who are getting work done. I immediately guessed what this was about, as I'm a pretty quiet person normally but have recently befriended a new girl at work, as we share a lot of common interests. I'm pretty shy and in fact, when I first started working there, was constantly teased for being so quiet. The women I work with would say things like "oh wow! I didn't even know you were here - you're so quiet!" At work, I spend most of my time listening to podcasts while working and only really engage in small talk with most of my co-workers during and in between breaks, and sometimes on the way to my desk. It's never long winded.
After befriending my new colleague, we've gotten into the habit of catching up on our evenings in the morning when we both come in. Our desks are relatively close to each other so we tend to spend 2-5 mins. max talking about our days, weekends etc. Then we both strap in to our chairs and put our headphones on! The department I work in is pretty small is 99% women. Almost all of the women there do this too, exchange small talk and pleasantries and get caught up. I had no idea someone would ever complain about this and I feel small and terrible, like the "few people" who complained simply don't like me or my co-worker, or just have it out against me. I don't know if this is my anxiety speaking or what, but my new co-worker friend also received the same email and is worried, because she's only been around for like a month, so I feel bad for her but I also feel confused, because she often comes up to talk to me herself and my supervisor sits right behind us, so she's aware of our conversations and when we leave and come back for breaks. I don't know if my supervisor would've complained about this to the manager or it was an equal level employee. I imagine a supervisor would confront us and would tell us to keep it down rather going to the manager but I'm honestly not sure. My supervisor is great and
It may be important to note that almost everyone in my department is a contract employee, meaning there's definitely a bit of tension/competition, since the end goal is to get hired on as a permanent employee with benefits and all, and my company's been on somewhat of a hiring freeze, so this obviously doesn't help. I've also been learning quickly and management has noticed, since they've been training me in new processes and giving me more responsibilities for the last 3 months or so! I'm also bilingual, which allows me to take on responsibilities others in the department cannot.
I don't ask for extra work and I don't go out of my way to speak or suck up to my managers. In fact, I don't even know whether they like me or not since as contract employees, we don't get performance evaluations or anything of the sort. Instead, we just get offered extra work and training whenever management thinks we're ready. I feel like the fact that I've been doing this so much has made me a target, particularly with an older woman who is also bilingual, since she's made some weird, passive-aggressive remarks to me about my new duties at work. I have a gut feeling that she may be the one who complained, since she sits close to my colleague and I and has been known to complain to management about other trivial things.
Another reason I'm stressed out is that part of the email referred to us taking longer breaks than usual, which I have been guilty of! We get 15 min breaks and a half hour lunch and sometimes I'm a little late coming back. I noticed today that the time on my desk phone is ahead by a few minutes and have been referring to it when going on break, and I've definitely lost track of time in good conversation during lunch breaks and such and my manager mentioned that another manager has noticed this, so I imagine that this is coming from the supervisor who sits behind me.
So basically my manager lumped in my long break incidents in the same email as my "talking to cool new co-worker" complaint and so I'm completely stressed out and don't know how to address this, if I should. I already responded to my manager (admittedly I probably should've slept on it) and apologized for the late breaks, admitted that I sometimes combine my lunch with a 15 min break to take a longer lunch (which I was told was fine previously) and let her know that I'd be more mindful of my colleagues when talking and more mindful of my time.
I have so many questions! Should I speak to my manager directly about this? Is there anything else I should be doing to cover my butt or how should I act from now on in order to not stir up any office drama? Should I speak feel all sorts of weird for getting a disciplinary email like this, and maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and it's not a big deal, but all I can think of is "oh god! my new job is not as a cool as I thought and I'm a terrible employee or person who is oblivious and everyone hates me and I'm gonna get fired and the cycle is going to start up all over again!"
Take it seriously, don't take it personally. Now you have more info about this workplace culture. You are a quality employee who can take input. Make a plan for how to respond by changing your behavior. Then work the plan. I'd consider checking in with the manager after a week or two. This lets them see you take it seriously and gives a chance for you to share what you've been doing and confirm the issue is dealt with. This applies regardless of the motives behind the complaints -- which aren't really something you can confirm or change, and therefore not worth as much of your time.
posted by ramenopres at 7:26 PM on November 12, 2018 [33 favorites]
posted by ramenopres at 7:26 PM on November 12, 2018 [33 favorites]
Realize that you are being eyeballed and reported on in this job, and act accordingly. Never do the 15 minute break + lunch again even if someone told you it was okay, be darned sure that your 15 minutes are exactly 15 minutes (use a timer) and you should probably stop talking to your coworker in your shared space (if you're in the bathroom or away from that person you suspect, it might be okay). Be absolutely perfect and good as gold and don't make a peep all day. No 2-5 minute chats from now on.
"I feel small and terrible, like the "few people" who complained simply don't like me or my co-worker, or just have it out against me."
Yeah, that's likely. It sounds like you already know who it is too. If you're both on contract and both bilingual, it sounds like you might be her competition for a permanent job and she wants to take you out.
I speak from experience on this one. If that lady is watching you and you give her any kind of ammunition that she can complain about you with, she will do it and your boss (even if she's nice) will be forced to address it if someone complains. These things pile up when someone is always reporting on you. There isn't much you can do when someone does this to you either other than make damn sure you please everyone and don't do anything even slightly wrong because it gives her ammo.
I am very sorry that you're in another triggering job where someone's a jerk, but it looks like it's happened again. You are unfortunately not safe there either if you have a coworker like that. If you were in a sane office with sane people this wouldn't be any issue at all, but if someone is like that, if they are targeting you and/or your buddy, then you can't chat like everyone else in the office. You're a target and unless this woman starts acting really out of line, there won't be much you can do.
I wish you luck with this. Keep your head down, do good work, don't give her anything she can complain about so that you look bad and she looks good.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:11 PM on November 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
"I feel small and terrible, like the "few people" who complained simply don't like me or my co-worker, or just have it out against me."
Yeah, that's likely. It sounds like you already know who it is too. If you're both on contract and both bilingual, it sounds like you might be her competition for a permanent job and she wants to take you out.
I speak from experience on this one. If that lady is watching you and you give her any kind of ammunition that she can complain about you with, she will do it and your boss (even if she's nice) will be forced to address it if someone complains. These things pile up when someone is always reporting on you. There isn't much you can do when someone does this to you either other than make damn sure you please everyone and don't do anything even slightly wrong because it gives her ammo.
I am very sorry that you're in another triggering job where someone's a jerk, but it looks like it's happened again. You are unfortunately not safe there either if you have a coworker like that. If you were in a sane office with sane people this wouldn't be any issue at all, but if someone is like that, if they are targeting you and/or your buddy, then you can't chat like everyone else in the office. You're a target and unless this woman starts acting really out of line, there won't be much you can do.
I wish you luck with this. Keep your head down, do good work, don't give her anything she can complain about so that you look bad and she looks good.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:11 PM on November 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
Don't worry about it, but do take it seriously. These complaints are petty. If I were your manager, I would be more annoyed at the person making the complaints than at you. That said, I am not your manager.
At one point in my working life I used to regularly arrive 5 mins late to meetings. I never worried about it, because all the meetings started at least 10 mins late. My manager asked me to start arriving on time to meetings, just because. I didn't take it seriously, arrived late to more meetings, and then she finally blew up at me about it. Turns out - she really, really wanted me to arrive on time. It was just her thing. I got the message and was mostly never late again.
You never know what's going to be someone's thing, but it likely won't be the thing you suspect, and very likely it will be something you don't care a fig about. Doesn't matter. That's their thing, so respect it, within reason.
Finally: Message received / Understood is the email your manager wants. She's asking you to comply with a rule and wants to hear yes without having to make further considerations or answer questions. When dealing with your manager, your job is to make their lives easier - almost always. Someone that always follows a request with questions or needs detailed clarification is just making their lives harder. The good news in this? Whoever is making the complaint is making their lives harder right now. If you simply do as requested, answer "no problem. I wasn't aware I was being a bother!" Then your manager sees something - namely that you are not the problem. You do not have a problem. The complainer is the problem. The complainer is the one having problems. The complainer is making their lives difficult for little to no reason, as you seem to be a reasonable person who would have simply changed your behavior had anyone directly asked.
posted by xammerboy at 10:09 PM on November 12, 2018 [22 favorites]
At one point in my working life I used to regularly arrive 5 mins late to meetings. I never worried about it, because all the meetings started at least 10 mins late. My manager asked me to start arriving on time to meetings, just because. I didn't take it seriously, arrived late to more meetings, and then she finally blew up at me about it. Turns out - she really, really wanted me to arrive on time. It was just her thing. I got the message and was mostly never late again.
You never know what's going to be someone's thing, but it likely won't be the thing you suspect, and very likely it will be something you don't care a fig about. Doesn't matter. That's their thing, so respect it, within reason.
Finally: Message received / Understood is the email your manager wants. She's asking you to comply with a rule and wants to hear yes without having to make further considerations or answer questions. When dealing with your manager, your job is to make their lives easier - almost always. Someone that always follows a request with questions or needs detailed clarification is just making their lives harder. The good news in this? Whoever is making the complaint is making their lives harder right now. If you simply do as requested, answer "no problem. I wasn't aware I was being a bother!" Then your manager sees something - namely that you are not the problem. You do not have a problem. The complainer is the problem. The complainer is the one having problems. The complainer is making their lives difficult for little to no reason, as you seem to be a reasonable person who would have simply changed your behavior had anyone directly asked.
posted by xammerboy at 10:09 PM on November 12, 2018 [22 favorites]
Is this not generally okay?
It depends. When I was working as a telemarketer, this was not okay. When I was working at an ad agency, it would have been rude not to socialize.
In general, I think you're fine. For whatever reason, your conversations have gotten under some colleague's skin. Tone it down and watch yourself for a while. From what you describe, what you're doing is fine and normal. Frankly, if someone came to me and complained about another worker chit-chatting or taking an extra five minutes for lunch... I would think I was being pranked. But I don't work where you work.
posted by xammerboy at 10:16 PM on November 12, 2018 [8 favorites]
It depends. When I was working as a telemarketer, this was not okay. When I was working at an ad agency, it would have been rude not to socialize.
In general, I think you're fine. For whatever reason, your conversations have gotten under some colleague's skin. Tone it down and watch yourself for a while. From what you describe, what you're doing is fine and normal. Frankly, if someone came to me and complained about another worker chit-chatting or taking an extra five minutes for lunch... I would think I was being pranked. But I don't work where you work.
posted by xammerboy at 10:16 PM on November 12, 2018 [8 favorites]
It's totally okay to be friendly with colleagues and make friends at work. It's also okay to chitchat about your weekend or quickly catch-up on news: I have done this for my entire career. In many cases, the ability to engage in brief, breezy conversations is actually viewed as an important skill.
Here's the deal: it's just not okay for you right now. It sounds like you're in a highly competitive environment and everyone is a little edgy. Reading the room is an important part of any job; if you're isolating or annoying others it's important to modify your habits. I think this is a great example of intent vs. impact. You're not trying to cause a problem, but others feel differently about what's happening.
Please don't feel like a bad person or a sketchy employee ... you're doing just fine. Continue being friendly and pleasant, keep your head down for a few weeks and this will all blow over.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 10:16 PM on November 12, 2018 [16 favorites]
Here's the deal: it's just not okay for you right now. It sounds like you're in a highly competitive environment and everyone is a little edgy. Reading the room is an important part of any job; if you're isolating or annoying others it's important to modify your habits. I think this is a great example of intent vs. impact. You're not trying to cause a problem, but others feel differently about what's happening.
Please don't feel like a bad person or a sketchy employee ... you're doing just fine. Continue being friendly and pleasant, keep your head down for a few weeks and this will all blow over.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 10:16 PM on November 12, 2018 [16 favorites]
I work in an open plan office on the boundary between two separate divisions of about 40 people each. My division will chat a little in the morning, but be fairly quiet through the day, just talking here and there, while the other division, behind us talks absolutely non-stop and at significant volume. People in my area sometimes moan a bit to each other about it when the other division are discussing something particularly inane, but I can't imagine it ever getting to complaint level.
We're an analytical division, while they're not, which I guess explains some variance in chatting culture, but just goes to show that different areas can very easily have different cultures even within the same organisation.
posted by knapah at 11:19 PM on November 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
We're an analytical division, while they're not, which I guess explains some variance in chatting culture, but just goes to show that different areas can very easily have different cultures even within the same organisation.
posted by knapah at 11:19 PM on November 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I've had things like this, also when in my 20's. It can be hard to navigate workplace culture, especially if there are older employees who are already entrenched. Maybe they feel it's their job to be a mini manager, and maybe you've been a little too chatty. People definitely notice others coming back from breaks late.
Why don't you make a plan with your friendly co-worker that you will meet at lunch and catch up then? Make your 15-minute breaks about using the restroom and getting coffee or water, then get back to your desk. You can also catch up with her after work, just make sure it's away from your desk, maybe in the parking lot after work.
Make it your personal goal to look out for yourself, and prove you can do just as well as anyone else. Take it as a challenge, the next level up in a video game, whatever you have to do to keep this job for say, 6 months, or 1 year. Don't count on being hired permanently, as I've seen places that just hire contract workers, then let them go after a while and bring new ones in. That's a whole 'nother ball of wax, using contractors as permanent employees instead of hiring them on and paying benefits (see this article about Microsoft, and this one about Amazon).
But! It's a job, and you are getting experience, in more ways than one. You have to decide if you want to continue forward, and see how it goes, while making adjustments to your socializing and break habits (which yes, does seem unfair given that others are also socializing, but you are new, so maybe older employees feel it's their duty to watch new ones, who knows?), or if you want to look for a new job. Just give yourself a time limit (if it gets better after 3 months, I will stay, if it gets worse after 3 months, I will look for a new job). Good luck!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:04 AM on November 13, 2018 [11 favorites]
Why don't you make a plan with your friendly co-worker that you will meet at lunch and catch up then? Make your 15-minute breaks about using the restroom and getting coffee or water, then get back to your desk. You can also catch up with her after work, just make sure it's away from your desk, maybe in the parking lot after work.
Make it your personal goal to look out for yourself, and prove you can do just as well as anyone else. Take it as a challenge, the next level up in a video game, whatever you have to do to keep this job for say, 6 months, or 1 year. Don't count on being hired permanently, as I've seen places that just hire contract workers, then let them go after a while and bring new ones in. That's a whole 'nother ball of wax, using contractors as permanent employees instead of hiring them on and paying benefits (see this article about Microsoft, and this one about Amazon).
But! It's a job, and you are getting experience, in more ways than one. You have to decide if you want to continue forward, and see how it goes, while making adjustments to your socializing and break habits (which yes, does seem unfair given that others are also socializing, but you are new, so maybe older employees feel it's their duty to watch new ones, who knows?), or if you want to look for a new job. Just give yourself a time limit (if it gets better after 3 months, I will stay, if it gets worse after 3 months, I will look for a new job). Good luck!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:04 AM on November 13, 2018 [11 favorites]
Is it possible that it's not the fact of your chatting, but the volume, either yours or your friend's? Our team just moved from private offices to cubicles and everyone's particularly sensitive to what I would consider normal conversational noise (having moved over from a team that was already in cubicles).
Maybe the complainer is catastrophizing what's happening as, "Great, now that hexenkunst is friends with so-and-so, they're just going to keep talking more and more right next to my desk and I'll never get anything done ever again."
Also I think it's kind of cowardly for your manager to give you this feedback via email rather than talking to you in person.
posted by lazuli at 6:23 AM on November 13, 2018 [3 favorites]
Maybe the complainer is catastrophizing what's happening as, "Great, now that hexenkunst is friends with so-and-so, they're just going to keep talking more and more right next to my desk and I'll never get anything done ever again."
Also I think it's kind of cowardly for your manager to give you this feedback via email rather than talking to you in person.
posted by lazuli at 6:23 AM on November 13, 2018 [3 favorites]
Honestly, I would ask your manager what the expectations are . You thank him for the feedback, you‘re very keen to correct your behaviour, could he help clarify the expectations for you?
You were under the impression 2 - 5 minutes catching up before work is usual at this work place and that is why you acted accordingly - were you wrong?
Try to do it in person and try to project confidence. You are a capable and good employee, seeking to better herself. That‘s a good thing.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:44 AM on November 13, 2018 [4 favorites]
You were under the impression 2 - 5 minutes catching up before work is usual at this work place and that is why you acted accordingly - were you wrong?
Try to do it in person and try to project confidence. You are a capable and good employee, seeking to better herself. That‘s a good thing.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:44 AM on November 13, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I would advise no pushback or asking for clarification at this point. It seems like the expectations have been laid out pretty clearly.
The most likely scenario is that there's one (or several who all wind each other up) complainer on the floor. And managers can't completely blow off the complainers or the complainers will go over their heads and it'll be a Whole Thing, especially since the complaints are technically valid (you're paid to work not chat, breaks are 15 minutes and lunch is 30). Manager would not give a shit about 18 minute breaks or a little chitchat if all the work is getting done and people aren't complaining, but unfortunately someone is and now he has to deal with it.
He really really doesn't want to spend more than the probably half hour he's already had to spend dealing with this. It's awkward, having to have that conversation and send that email, and he just wants this to be over. He doesn't want to have to have another conversation with her or with you. This is trivial and should stay trivial; he likely has to deal with these complaints from The Complainer on an ongoing basis. Just receive the message and mind your manners and move on.
Every workplace is different and it can be baffling figuring out the culture, and especially figuring out who the local petty power brokers are and not crossing them. Take the ding and move on, don't strain yourself too hard trying to argue the unfairness, because it's always unfair, there's always something. Just monitor the situation to see if it's impossible - I've worked places where the petty power brokers, who were unimpeachable for whatever reason, probably that they knew where all the bodies were buried, pretty much ran off every new employee just because they could and it was a fun hobby instead of getting any damn work done - and leave if it's going to be a constant stream of trying to please some invisible master who just likes making everyone else dance like monkeys.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:24 AM on November 13, 2018 [13 favorites]
The most likely scenario is that there's one (or several who all wind each other up) complainer on the floor. And managers can't completely blow off the complainers or the complainers will go over their heads and it'll be a Whole Thing, especially since the complaints are technically valid (you're paid to work not chat, breaks are 15 minutes and lunch is 30). Manager would not give a shit about 18 minute breaks or a little chitchat if all the work is getting done and people aren't complaining, but unfortunately someone is and now he has to deal with it.
He really really doesn't want to spend more than the probably half hour he's already had to spend dealing with this. It's awkward, having to have that conversation and send that email, and he just wants this to be over. He doesn't want to have to have another conversation with her or with you. This is trivial and should stay trivial; he likely has to deal with these complaints from The Complainer on an ongoing basis. Just receive the message and mind your manners and move on.
Every workplace is different and it can be baffling figuring out the culture, and especially figuring out who the local petty power brokers are and not crossing them. Take the ding and move on, don't strain yourself too hard trying to argue the unfairness, because it's always unfair, there's always something. Just monitor the situation to see if it's impossible - I've worked places where the petty power brokers, who were unimpeachable for whatever reason, probably that they knew where all the bodies were buried, pretty much ran off every new employee just because they could and it was a fun hobby instead of getting any damn work done - and leave if it's going to be a constant stream of trying to please some invisible master who just likes making everyone else dance like monkeys.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:24 AM on November 13, 2018 [13 favorites]
I don't know. I'm working someplace right now where we do have talkers who speak at a higher volume than other chatty people. They're often shouting at the exact part of the day when colleagues need to concentrate on their morning emails, and what they talk about is not always appropriate at work, but they seem young enough that they might not understand this.
This is a group of women who've responded poorly to other people asking them about their volume in the past, so when I needed them to be a bit more thoughtful about their volume and chattiness, I mentioned it to their boss and asked her to gently remind them as a group. Nothing personal, did not want to get them in trouble, was not jealous of them. I'm not saying you would respond poorly to requests to be a bit quieter since I agree with above posters that you certainly don't seem the type, but everyone has past work experiences that affect how they handle issues with colleagues. I wouldn't assume competitive ill intent on the part of one person rather than take your boss's statement at face value, which is that more than one person noticed this and would prefer you limit the chattiness but also that you are not in trouble and no one is gunning for you.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 1:50 PM on November 13, 2018
This is a group of women who've responded poorly to other people asking them about their volume in the past, so when I needed them to be a bit more thoughtful about their volume and chattiness, I mentioned it to their boss and asked her to gently remind them as a group. Nothing personal, did not want to get them in trouble, was not jealous of them. I'm not saying you would respond poorly to requests to be a bit quieter since I agree with above posters that you certainly don't seem the type, but everyone has past work experiences that affect how they handle issues with colleagues. I wouldn't assume competitive ill intent on the part of one person rather than take your boss's statement at face value, which is that more than one person noticed this and would prefer you limit the chattiness but also that you are not in trouble and no one is gunning for you.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 1:50 PM on November 13, 2018
Ugh, I'm sorry this is so distressing for you!
In this grand scheme of things, this is really not a huge deal. You could get much worse criticism. And it sucks to have coworkers who are complaining about you, but at least you know, and can deal with it.
The bright side is that this is a good chance to show your manager that you know how to respond professionally to feedback. I'd just send a "message received, thank you for letting me know this is an issue" email to your manager. If you have 1-1 check-ins, I'd bring it up at the next one and talk about the expectations issue around breaks others have mentioned.
I'm guessing by the fact that your manager brought this to you over email means that either your manager doesn't think this is a big deal or is conflict-averse and doesn't want to have to make a big deal about this. (ie, maybe told the complaining coworkers he'd talk to you about it, so he feels like he has to, so he just sent you a quick email). Really, any kind of critical feedback should always be delivered in person, not over email.
posted by lunasol at 4:49 PM on November 13, 2018
In this grand scheme of things, this is really not a huge deal. You could get much worse criticism. And it sucks to have coworkers who are complaining about you, but at least you know, and can deal with it.
The bright side is that this is a good chance to show your manager that you know how to respond professionally to feedback. I'd just send a "message received, thank you for letting me know this is an issue" email to your manager. If you have 1-1 check-ins, I'd bring it up at the next one and talk about the expectations issue around breaks others have mentioned.
I'm guessing by the fact that your manager brought this to you over email means that either your manager doesn't think this is a big deal or is conflict-averse and doesn't want to have to make a big deal about this. (ie, maybe told the complaining coworkers he'd talk to you about it, so he feels like he has to, so he just sent you a quick email). Really, any kind of critical feedback should always be delivered in person, not over email.
posted by lunasol at 4:49 PM on November 13, 2018
Is it generally frowned upon to socialize at work?
This depends entirely upon each individual office culture. In some offices it's fine, in some it is not. In your case it is probably fine for everyone else, but you have a target on you now so it's not. In my office, I can chat with everyone else EXCEPT around the people who object to me.
Lyn Never summed this up perfectly:
The most likely scenario is that there's one (or several who all wind each other up) complainer on the floor. And managers can't completely blow off the complainers or the complainers will go over their heads and it'll be a Whole Thing, especially since the complaints are technically valid (you're paid to work not chat, breaks are 15 minutes and lunch is 30). Manager would not give a shit about 18 minute breaks or a little chitchat if all the work is getting done and people aren't complaining, but unfortunately someone is and now he has to deal with it.
This is exactly it in a nutshell. If everyone was sane, nobody would care, but someone's not sane and yet nobody can just say "Good lord, get over yourself and calm down" because then the complainer would get even more offended/offensive/strike out harder if they aren't heard and respected and don't get their way.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:44 PM on November 13, 2018 [3 favorites]
This depends entirely upon each individual office culture. In some offices it's fine, in some it is not. In your case it is probably fine for everyone else, but you have a target on you now so it's not. In my office, I can chat with everyone else EXCEPT around the people who object to me.
Lyn Never summed this up perfectly:
The most likely scenario is that there's one (or several who all wind each other up) complainer on the floor. And managers can't completely blow off the complainers or the complainers will go over their heads and it'll be a Whole Thing, especially since the complaints are technically valid (you're paid to work not chat, breaks are 15 minutes and lunch is 30). Manager would not give a shit about 18 minute breaks or a little chitchat if all the work is getting done and people aren't complaining, but unfortunately someone is and now he has to deal with it.
This is exactly it in a nutshell. If everyone was sane, nobody would care, but someone's not sane and yet nobody can just say "Good lord, get over yourself and calm down" because then the complainer would get even more offended/offensive/strike out harder if they aren't heard and respected and don't get their way.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:44 PM on November 13, 2018 [3 favorites]
"The only thing that bothered me was listening to (the woman who I suspect complained) chit chat herself all day "
Don't get me started on how it's not okay for me to eat or type or answer the phone or make any noise whatsoever, but it's perfectly fine for someone else to literally hand grind coffee in the office. Hypocrisy wins, that's all I can say.
Good luck to you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:50 PM on November 13, 2018 [2 favorites]
Don't get me started on how it's not okay for me to eat or type or answer the phone or make any noise whatsoever, but it's perfectly fine for someone else to literally hand grind coffee in the office. Hypocrisy wins, that's all I can say.
Good luck to you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:50 PM on November 13, 2018 [2 favorites]
My feeling is that anyplace where briefly socializing with your coworkers is frowned on is not a place to spend much of your career. I have worked at [counts on fingers] twelve places over my 42-year "career" (i.e., succession of jobs) and the only one where socializing was frowned on was also the most soul-crushing. I am not suggesting you quit, I'm just noting that there are plenty of places where they don't expect you to be a featureless cog, and if another opportunity arrives, you might give it some extra thought.
Also, there are frequently backstabbing bastards that like to snipe at others. It is not usually worth trying to beat them at their own game, just like it is not worth trying to out-bite a poisonous snake. It is just possible that some day, they will need you to throw them a line. I grant you internet permission to tie an anchor on the end first.
Good luck.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:07 PM on November 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
Also, there are frequently backstabbing bastards that like to snipe at others. It is not usually worth trying to beat them at their own game, just like it is not worth trying to out-bite a poisonous snake. It is just possible that some day, they will need you to throw them a line. I grant you internet permission to tie an anchor on the end first.
Good luck.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:07 PM on November 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
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Keep in mind it's possible though unlikely that you are being told to "stop socializing" when someone is complaining about you talking to them i.e. it's a CYA way of dealing with initial harassment complaints without naming people. Note: this is unlikely but since you are someone who says that they don't always get office politics/stuff I will mention it.
This is probably just a pretty perfunctory way to tell you "Hey we're sort of serious about the rules here" but if you're able to take/accept feedback you should be just fine.
posted by jessamyn at 7:17 PM on November 12, 2018 [22 favorites]