Is it normal to want to see your parents often?
October 9, 2018 2:24 AM Subscribe
I'm a 40-year-old grown-ass adult, I currently only see my parents on average 3x a year due to distance, and I feel like I never see them. I feel like this level of attachment is not typical though - many of my friends live much closer to their parents and visit them less frequently and feel totally fine with that. Am I overly attached or unhealthy? Is this normal?
Some people get on really well with their parents (I was lucky enough to have been one of those). Some people don't. There is no "normal" here to compare yourself with.
Having now lost both of mine, my best advice to you is to enjoy hanging out with yours as often as you damn well please, because at some point death is going to force you to stop and that just sucks.
posted by flabdablet at 2:42 AM on October 9, 2018 [55 favorites]
Having now lost both of mine, my best advice to you is to enjoy hanging out with yours as often as you damn well please, because at some point death is going to force you to stop and that just sucks.
posted by flabdablet at 2:42 AM on October 9, 2018 [55 favorites]
There is no normal when it comes to this. There's certainly been a shift in the past few decades towards multigenerational families living longer distances apart, at least in the US, because of all kinds of economic and cultural factors. But there's also more acceptance of different kinds of family groups, too.
I think that this is something to judge on an individual basis. You can't know what your friends' parents are really like or what their relationships are. What you know about is your own - are your parents sources of support and love? Are they interesting people in their own right who you like to spend time with? I think that it's totally normal to want to spend more time with parents who are like that. Maybe your parents aren't quite so idyllic but you have a loving relationship anyway - it's not wrong to want to see people you love more often than three times a year.
Also I think it's normal to have periods of life where it's the right thing for you to be more distant with your parents and then come back to closer ties. Right now, all my friends are in their mid-30s having babies and being overwhelmed, and a lot of them are desperate for their parents to move closer. That's for childcare purposes of course, but there's a whole thing about establishing familial bonds in there that's less about children and more about people my age wanting to reconnect. I myself have no kids and no intention to acquire any, but I'm still thrilled at the possibility that my parents might move closer to me. That said, I wouldn't want them within a three hour drive, either, and neither would they!
A lot of people have very complicated feelings about their parents that are perhaps best dealt with by distance and time apart. If you're not one of those people you're lucky and shouldn't judge yourself for the way you love. Maybe look into video calls though? It's made a big difference in my family as we've spread out across the globe.
posted by Mizu at 2:43 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think that this is something to judge on an individual basis. You can't know what your friends' parents are really like or what their relationships are. What you know about is your own - are your parents sources of support and love? Are they interesting people in their own right who you like to spend time with? I think that it's totally normal to want to spend more time with parents who are like that. Maybe your parents aren't quite so idyllic but you have a loving relationship anyway - it's not wrong to want to see people you love more often than three times a year.
Also I think it's normal to have periods of life where it's the right thing for you to be more distant with your parents and then come back to closer ties. Right now, all my friends are in their mid-30s having babies and being overwhelmed, and a lot of them are desperate for their parents to move closer. That's for childcare purposes of course, but there's a whole thing about establishing familial bonds in there that's less about children and more about people my age wanting to reconnect. I myself have no kids and no intention to acquire any, but I'm still thrilled at the possibility that my parents might move closer to me. That said, I wouldn't want them within a three hour drive, either, and neither would they!
A lot of people have very complicated feelings about their parents that are perhaps best dealt with by distance and time apart. If you're not one of those people you're lucky and shouldn't judge yourself for the way you love. Maybe look into video calls though? It's made a big difference in my family as we've spread out across the globe.
posted by Mizu at 2:43 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Things are only a problem if they're causing problems.
posted by Chrysalis at 2:56 AM on October 9, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by Chrysalis at 2:56 AM on October 9, 2018 [11 favorites]
I see my parents every day and live less than a mile from them, and I've always thought of that situation as pretty weird, if that helps.
posted by chaiminda at 3:09 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by chaiminda at 3:09 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
This varies a ton even in the same family. I see my parents once a year and that’s enough for me. (I could do with seeing one parent a little more than that, and the other quite a bit less, so it sort of evens out at a holiday visit.). I have made a very conscious choice that I love my family and I love them best with at least one full state between us.
My sibling has chosen to live in the same city as my parents. They have near-weekly dinners, go to shows and things together, catsit for each other, etc. I would find their level of closeness absolutely stifling, but it seems to work for all of them.
I consider both situations relatively normal. Mine a bit more so but I assume that’s 100% just bias that of COURSE the way I like it is The Best Way. Different relationships and personalities lend themselves to different levels of closeness.
posted by Stacey at 3:12 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
My sibling has chosen to live in the same city as my parents. They have near-weekly dinners, go to shows and things together, catsit for each other, etc. I would find their level of closeness absolutely stifling, but it seems to work for all of them.
I consider both situations relatively normal. Mine a bit more so but I assume that’s 100% just bias that of COURSE the way I like it is The Best Way. Different relationships and personalities lend themselves to different levels of closeness.
posted by Stacey at 3:12 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: A lot of people have very complicated feelings about their parents that are perhaps best dealt with by distance and time apart.
I have complicated feelings about mine which I guess is why wanting to see them a lot feels like a sign of too much attachment. I'm considering moving much closer to them (as in, back to the country they live in) and would ideally like them not to be a factor in whether or not to move, but they really are - I feel a lot of pressure to see them more frequently.
The answers are all interesting, keep them coming, thanks!
posted by sunflower16 at 3:14 AM on October 9, 2018
I have complicated feelings about mine which I guess is why wanting to see them a lot feels like a sign of too much attachment. I'm considering moving much closer to them (as in, back to the country they live in) and would ideally like them not to be a factor in whether or not to move, but they really are - I feel a lot of pressure to see them more frequently.
The answers are all interesting, keep them coming, thanks!
posted by sunflower16 at 3:14 AM on October 9, 2018
I speak to my mom everyday and used to email my dad (when he was alive) everyday. My parents drive/drove me nuts but I still love 'em, and am happy to have them in my life.
Everyone's different. I am probably more family-centric in my outlook than many, but I don't think it's had a negative impact on my life and agree that there's no such thing as 'normal'. What works for you is what works for you. I wouldn't sweat it, honestly. I'm grateful to have good relationships with my family members.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:25 AM on October 9, 2018
Everyone's different. I am probably more family-centric in my outlook than many, but I don't think it's had a negative impact on my life and agree that there's no such thing as 'normal'. What works for you is what works for you. I wouldn't sweat it, honestly. I'm grateful to have good relationships with my family members.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:25 AM on October 9, 2018
When you see your parents (3x a year), are you seeing them for any length of time? Does it present a financial or logistical hardship for you to see them? If you're traveling internationally, does it disrupt your life?
I think *these* are important questions. So is: How do you feel when you visit your parents? Are you happy, or does it just assuage a sense of personal or cultural guilt? Do they visit you (if are they able)? Does the trip present, overall provide more positives than negatives? What do you get out of it?
If you're making three cumbersome trips to visit your parents due to a sense of duty ... to my mind, that's verging on unhealthy. But if you happen to enjoy traveling to see them, that's another thing entirely.
posted by mr. remy at 3:27 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think *these* are important questions. So is: How do you feel when you visit your parents? Are you happy, or does it just assuage a sense of personal or cultural guilt? Do they visit you (if are they able)? Does the trip present, overall provide more positives than negatives? What do you get out of it?
If you're making three cumbersome trips to visit your parents due to a sense of duty ... to my mind, that's verging on unhealthy. But if you happen to enjoy traveling to see them, that's another thing entirely.
posted by mr. remy at 3:27 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Is the pressure coming from them or from you? I come from a country where seeing your parents every day is absolutely the norm. If my parents hadn’t passed away I would be traveling to see them very very often. As it stands, I live in the US now and my husband talks to his parents every day and we see them multiple times a week at least. We’d see them more often if they didn’t live 25 minutes away. We’re consideing buying a neighboring house for them to move into so they can age in place with less stress.
It’s not necessarily abnormal or a sign of too much attachment. It’s not the frequency of visits that determines that, it’s your relationship with them. Ignore what your friends do, that’s neither here nor there.
posted by lydhre at 3:27 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
It’s not necessarily abnormal or a sign of too much attachment. It’s not the frequency of visits that determines that, it’s your relationship with them. Ignore what your friends do, that’s neither here nor there.
posted by lydhre at 3:27 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
Yes, it's normal. It's also normal to not want to see your parents so much, but it's if anything extra normal to want to see them often. In most cultures throughout humam history, extensive parental contact in adulthood has been the norm—many cultures even operate with multi-generational family groupings as a basic social unit. So, it's safe to say that lots of parental contact is seen as normal and desirable by a great many people.
If you're lucky enough to be on friendly terms with your parents, why wouldn't you want to see them regularly? I go hiking with my dad, I kayak with my mom, we go out to dinner together, sit by the fire and talk together, all that stuff. They're my family. I'm fortunate to have a great family that's very functional and loving, and I consider that one of the biggest positives about my life. Why wouldn't I want to enjoy and cultivate that closeness?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:35 AM on October 9, 2018 [5 favorites]
If you're lucky enough to be on friendly terms with your parents, why wouldn't you want to see them regularly? I go hiking with my dad, I kayak with my mom, we go out to dinner together, sit by the fire and talk together, all that stuff. They're my family. I'm fortunate to have a great family that's very functional and loving, and I consider that one of the biggest positives about my life. Why wouldn't I want to enjoy and cultivate that closeness?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:35 AM on October 9, 2018 [5 favorites]
My wife sees her parents at least 3 times a month. I see mine probably 3 times a year. It's mainly down to distance, lack of particularly strong family bonds, and the fact that both of us flew our respective nests early and have tended to live lives independent of family. If they were closer, we'd definitely see them more often. We sometimes have the conversation about whether we should try to get our parents to live closer, so that we can be more supportive as they get older, but we always agree that there's 'closer' and there's 'too close'. I think our parents probably feel the same. At this point, having our parents within a 20 minute drive, and seeing them maybe once a week, would be about optimal.
posted by pipeski at 3:46 AM on October 9, 2018
posted by pipeski at 3:46 AM on October 9, 2018
I’m in the same boat as you (except not in a different country). I know that if I were too close, things would get complicated, but I don’t like that visiting them is a big production of a trip, and wish I could make a short drive or train ride instead.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:55 AM on October 9, 2018
posted by stoneandstar at 3:55 AM on October 9, 2018
Living in another country, 3x/yr is well over and above any expat I've ever known.
posted by rhizome at 3:59 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 3:59 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: When you see your parents (3x a year), are you seeing them for any length of time? Does it present a financial or logistical hardship for you to see them? If you're traveling internationally, does it disrupt your life?
Usually a week or two at a time. It isn't a hardship or too much disruption, no.
How do you feel when you visit your parents? Are you happy, or does it just assuage a sense of personal or cultural guilt? Do they visit you (if are they able)? Does the trip present, overall provide more positives than negatives? What do you get out of it?
Hmmmm. Happy to see them, but assuaging guilt too. And I feel horribly guilty when I leave, and I feel like no visit is ever long enough. They do not visit me, which I feel a little resentful about, but it's a really long trip and there are some reasonably decent health reasons that the flight would be tough for them. Also, I'm pretty sure they feel "why should we visit her when she's the one who chose to move so far away?"
Is the pressure coming from them or from you?
Both, I think. But mostly me. I feel guilty and that puts pressure on me.
posted by sunflower16 at 4:05 AM on October 9, 2018
Usually a week or two at a time. It isn't a hardship or too much disruption, no.
How do you feel when you visit your parents? Are you happy, or does it just assuage a sense of personal or cultural guilt? Do they visit you (if are they able)? Does the trip present, overall provide more positives than negatives? What do you get out of it?
Hmmmm. Happy to see them, but assuaging guilt too. And I feel horribly guilty when I leave, and I feel like no visit is ever long enough. They do not visit me, which I feel a little resentful about, but it's a really long trip and there are some reasonably decent health reasons that the flight would be tough for them. Also, I'm pretty sure they feel "why should we visit her when she's the one who chose to move so far away?"
Is the pressure coming from them or from you?
Both, I think. But mostly me. I feel guilty and that puts pressure on me.
posted by sunflower16 at 4:05 AM on October 9, 2018
I know someone who has a very healthy relationship to her mother and is a very healthy human in every way, who visits 2 - 3 times a year internationally. She loves her mother, she is aware her mother is aging, and she wants to have a close relationship with her mom. Because she can afford to travel, she happily does so. Unlike you, her mother also visits her once a year, but the daughter does the bulk of the traveling.
The fact of traveling often to see a parent or parents is not in itself a sign of anything healthy or unhealthy.
posted by nantucket at 4:13 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
The fact of traveling often to see a parent or parents is not in itself a sign of anything healthy or unhealthy.
posted by nantucket at 4:13 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
In my adult friend group, what you describe is not outside the bounds of normal. Those who live in different countries from their parents see them roughly twice a year. Those who live within driving distance see them once a month or so.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:27 AM on October 9, 2018
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:27 AM on October 9, 2018
I don't feel like there's a normal level of wanting or not wanting to see your parents, and I don't think that the frequency with which you see them is healthy or unhealthy--I think there's a wide range of normal and healthy, and it'll look different for everyone.
I do think that the guilt that you're feeling is a sign that there might be something unhealthy going on. You, like many people, describe having complicated feelings about your parents, and worry that you're too attached--I might suggest that you have complicated feelings, and both the guilt that you don't see them more and the worry that you're too attached to them come from the same family dynamics that led to complicated feelings in the first place. If you have the option to talk about this with a therapist or trusted friend, it might be worth doing.
posted by mishafletch at 4:28 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
I do think that the guilt that you're feeling is a sign that there might be something unhealthy going on. You, like many people, describe having complicated feelings about your parents, and worry that you're too attached--I might suggest that you have complicated feelings, and both the guilt that you don't see them more and the worry that you're too attached to them come from the same family dynamics that led to complicated feelings in the first place. If you have the option to talk about this with a therapist or trusted friend, it might be worth doing.
posted by mishafletch at 4:28 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
I live in another country from my parents; on the other side of the world, in fact. I'll be seeing them later this year and it will be the first time in four years. My last visit was all of an hour and a half, and was followed by a period of about two and a half years where I didn't hear from them at all. This was unusual and upsetting and as it happens there is other stuff going on. But prior to that, it was not unusual to go 2-3 years between visits. We stayed in touch via email and Skype, but even so several months could pass between contact.
I don't think my situation is normal, but it is what it is due to the type of people we are and the physical distance between us. I think my point is, there is no absolute normal - it is all relative to an individual family. If you are happy with the level of contact you have with your parents, who cares how it compares to anyone else's family? However I suspect you are asking the question because you're not happy and would like more and are hoping that other people's families will give you reasons to change the level of interaction. But all you really need is to decide what you'd like and see if that works for your parents too.
posted by Athanassiel at 4:40 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't think my situation is normal, but it is what it is due to the type of people we are and the physical distance between us. I think my point is, there is no absolute normal - it is all relative to an individual family. If you are happy with the level of contact you have with your parents, who cares how it compares to anyone else's family? However I suspect you are asking the question because you're not happy and would like more and are hoping that other people's families will give you reasons to change the level of interaction. But all you really need is to decide what you'd like and see if that works for your parents too.
posted by Athanassiel at 4:40 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I see my parents twice a year or so, and talk to them once a week. They live in my brother's house.
Despite that, I am arguably closer with my mom in terms of the relationship than he is.
There is very little normal here especially when airplanes are involved in a visit.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:07 AM on October 9, 2018
Despite that, I am arguably closer with my mom in terms of the relationship than he is.
There is very little normal here especially when airplanes are involved in a visit.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:07 AM on October 9, 2018
It depends entirely on what kind of relationship you have with your parents and what type of relationship you want to have. My relationship with my parents is best described as "distant" and they each live several states away. Even when I lived in the same state as my mother, I would only see her about twice a year (birthday, Mother's Day). I have my life, they have theirs. Due to health reasons, neither of them are likely to visit me.
Both of my parents guilt me about visiting more often, but have never made an effort to visit me once I was farther than 30 minutes away even when they were healthy & I offered gas/airfare.
My partner's moms (yes, plural) are amazing. We only see them about six times a year, they live about 3 hours away. If they lived closer she, and I, would happily see them far more often. Every visit seems too short, and we part reluctantly. Note that my partner has children, so part of this is enabling them to see their grandkids, which they dote on and are likewise adored by. We all wish they lived closer, but we make do. You don't mention whether there are any grandkids in this scenario, so I'm guessing either grown or none.
Other than the usual "we miss you, it's been too long" stuff, there's no guilt from my partner's moms to visit more frequently.
My girlfriend prior to my partner saw her family at least monthly, and she was the outlier in her family because she lived an hour away. The rest of her siblings lived much closer and visited weekly. Her brother who was I think third of six in birth order saw them almost daily for a long time. Her parents made lots of appreciative comments when she'd visit and lightly guilt her if it'd been a few weeks longer than usual.
I have friends who have gone no contact with their parents. I have friends who are constantly in contact with their parents and see them frequently despite living a state or two away. It really varies. There's no normal, but there's definitely healthy and unhealthy.
Consider what you want your relationship with your parents to be, and where you wish to live. Hopefully this will line up well with your parents' wishes - but if you are good with a few times a year and living in separate countries/continents, then it's your life and you should do that.
Someday, of course, we all lose our parents - or they lose us, but hopefully not - and that's something to consider. You can't get time back once they're gone - but if you build your life around your parents there will likely come a time when they're not here and you might feel untethered if you haven't built up a life apart from them too.
I envy people who have good and healthy relationships with their parents. Were I in that camp, I'd definitely try to see mine more often, if not live in the same state/city. (Mine are divorced and live in different states, so at least having equally dysfunctional relationships with them saves me the angst of choosing between them...)
From what you've posted it's really hard to give direct advice - but I suspect if you sit down and really consider what you want, and what you need, you'll be able to come to a conclusion. Whatever you do, do what you want and what is best for you and leave guilt out of it. You have one life, just the one, and should live it how you choose.
posted by jzb at 5:10 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Both of my parents guilt me about visiting more often, but have never made an effort to visit me once I was farther than 30 minutes away even when they were healthy & I offered gas/airfare.
My partner's moms (yes, plural) are amazing. We only see them about six times a year, they live about 3 hours away. If they lived closer she, and I, would happily see them far more often. Every visit seems too short, and we part reluctantly. Note that my partner has children, so part of this is enabling them to see their grandkids, which they dote on and are likewise adored by. We all wish they lived closer, but we make do. You don't mention whether there are any grandkids in this scenario, so I'm guessing either grown or none.
Other than the usual "we miss you, it's been too long" stuff, there's no guilt from my partner's moms to visit more frequently.
My girlfriend prior to my partner saw her family at least monthly, and she was the outlier in her family because she lived an hour away. The rest of her siblings lived much closer and visited weekly. Her brother who was I think third of six in birth order saw them almost daily for a long time. Her parents made lots of appreciative comments when she'd visit and lightly guilt her if it'd been a few weeks longer than usual.
I have friends who have gone no contact with their parents. I have friends who are constantly in contact with their parents and see them frequently despite living a state or two away. It really varies. There's no normal, but there's definitely healthy and unhealthy.
Consider what you want your relationship with your parents to be, and where you wish to live. Hopefully this will line up well with your parents' wishes - but if you are good with a few times a year and living in separate countries/continents, then it's your life and you should do that.
Someday, of course, we all lose our parents - or they lose us, but hopefully not - and that's something to consider. You can't get time back once they're gone - but if you build your life around your parents there will likely come a time when they're not here and you might feel untethered if you haven't built up a life apart from them too.
I envy people who have good and healthy relationships with their parents. Were I in that camp, I'd definitely try to see mine more often, if not live in the same state/city. (Mine are divorced and live in different states, so at least having equally dysfunctional relationships with them saves me the angst of choosing between them...)
From what you've posted it's really hard to give direct advice - but I suspect if you sit down and really consider what you want, and what you need, you'll be able to come to a conclusion. Whatever you do, do what you want and what is best for you and leave guilt out of it. You have one life, just the one, and should live it how you choose.
posted by jzb at 5:10 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I get on very well with my parents, and live about an hour away. I usually see them a couple of times a month, often 2-5 days at a time (I also borrow my dads workshop for projects whilst I'm there, so longer visits are more practical).
My husband gets on well with his parents, but they live a plane ride away. We go visit them between 2-4 times a year, for a week or so at a time.
I would say you're normal, because normal here has very large bounds. Certainly flying for week long visits is far more of a disruption than driving over for the weekend. If I lived a flight away from my parents, I'd obviously see them a whole lot less. It may help to sit and consider for a while whether you *want* to see your parents more (totally healthy, you can go see them more), or you feel that you *ought* to see them more (just guilt, doesn't neccessarily require action).
posted by stillnocturnal at 5:26 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
My husband gets on well with his parents, but they live a plane ride away. We go visit them between 2-4 times a year, for a week or so at a time.
I would say you're normal, because normal here has very large bounds. Certainly flying for week long visits is far more of a disruption than driving over for the weekend. If I lived a flight away from my parents, I'd obviously see them a whole lot less. It may help to sit and consider for a while whether you *want* to see your parents more (totally healthy, you can go see them more), or you feel that you *ought* to see them more (just guilt, doesn't neccessarily require action).
posted by stillnocturnal at 5:26 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I lived a short plane flight away from my parents for a few years, during which time I called them maybe once a year and typically even then only for logistical reasons. I wanted more frequent contact, so I moved back to about ten miles away from their house. Between calling, emailing, and visiting, I probably have some contact with them every couple of weeks.
My wife's parents are not in the state, so she visits them a few times a year.
On the other end of the spectrum, my grandfather is in the country but many of his children are back home. They haven't seen him in maybe a decade. They keep in touch by passing messages through a relative who travels every year or two.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 5:27 AM on October 9, 2018
My wife's parents are not in the state, so she visits them a few times a year.
On the other end of the spectrum, my grandfather is in the country but many of his children are back home. They haven't seen him in maybe a decade. They keep in touch by passing messages through a relative who travels every year or two.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 5:27 AM on October 9, 2018
As another data point, I have a close relationship with my mom, talk to her every night on the phone, see her once a week and miss her when I don't.
I live in Poland and this type of relationship is not unusual over here. I certainly do not consider myself pathologically attached.
posted by M. at 5:34 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
I live in Poland and this type of relationship is not unusual over here. I certainly do not consider myself pathologically attached.
posted by M. at 5:34 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
I live 12,000 km from my parents right now and ever since I turned 17 and left for university I have only ever seen them once a year for Xmas. With my age now, this means that for most of my life I have only seen them once a year. So, I don't really know anything else - this is the "normal" for me. We email more frequently than we do anything else (call, skype, whatsapp video call), maybe once every 2-3 weeks or so. We have no running conversations. However when we are together, we are together *all the time* and use that time to catch up on every little thing - and that's great!
My SO talks with her family multiple times a week. They live within the same country but it's a 3 hour train ride to get there so we don't visit that frequently. They talk about everything and nothing. Her sister will call my SO and literally say "talk to me while I take a walk". This is their closeness need and it may seem strange (mostly unknown) to me, it is what works for them :)
so, basically, to each their own.
posted by alchemist at 5:36 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
My SO talks with her family multiple times a week. They live within the same country but it's a 3 hour train ride to get there so we don't visit that frequently. They talk about everything and nothing. Her sister will call my SO and literally say "talk to me while I take a walk". This is their closeness need and it may seem strange (mostly unknown) to me, it is what works for them :)
so, basically, to each their own.
posted by alchemist at 5:36 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some anecdata:
For most of my adult life, I lived about an hour's drive from my mom, to whom I consider myself pretty close. I'd visit about once a month, plus holidays and stuff, and she'd come to visit me a couple of times a year.
Last year, my wife and I moved to be closer to her family. We now live about an hour's drive from her mother, and she goes to visit almost every weekend.
So yeah, it's different for everyone.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:34 AM on October 9, 2018
For most of my adult life, I lived about an hour's drive from my mom, to whom I consider myself pretty close. I'd visit about once a month, plus holidays and stuff, and she'd come to visit me a couple of times a year.
Last year, my wife and I moved to be closer to her family. We now live about an hour's drive from her mother, and she goes to visit almost every weekend.
So yeah, it's different for everyone.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:34 AM on October 9, 2018
Everyone has their own normal.
I live three blocks away from my mother. Not on purpose, but we liked the house. I see her for dinner once a week at the very least. Sometimes we'll go shopping or down the shore. We take trips together. We text almost every day. But we have a good relationship and are close. My father lives in Florida, I'm in NJ. I aim to go down there twice a year, I usually make it once. He tries to come up twice a year, usually makes it once. I try to text/call him once a week just to make sure he's okay. We're not as close as I am with my mom. That's our normal.
Sometimes if I spend too much time here on AskMe I think that I might be too close to them, but then I realize that very few people ask questions here about their perfectly lovely relationships with family.
posted by kimberussell at 6:42 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I live three blocks away from my mother. Not on purpose, but we liked the house. I see her for dinner once a week at the very least. Sometimes we'll go shopping or down the shore. We take trips together. We text almost every day. But we have a good relationship and are close. My father lives in Florida, I'm in NJ. I aim to go down there twice a year, I usually make it once. He tries to come up twice a year, usually makes it once. I try to text/call him once a week just to make sure he's okay. We're not as close as I am with my mom. That's our normal.
Sometimes if I spend too much time here on AskMe I think that I might be too close to them, but then I realize that very few people ask questions here about their perfectly lovely relationships with family.
posted by kimberussell at 6:42 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I am 41 and I live about 750 feet from my mother; I see her every few days for a half hour or so. Maybe once or twice a month we go shopping together or something like that. My mom is my best friend and I do not think I am weird. And I don't think you're weird either.
posted by elsietheeel at 6:49 AM on October 9, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by elsietheeel at 6:49 AM on October 9, 2018 [8 favorites]
Another datapoint - I'm younger than you (25), I live on the opposite coast from my parents and siblings, and generally I see them about twice a year (plus a sibling or other family member may come out to visit about once a year). I talk to them on the phone maybe twice a week for brief chats. I feel like it's definitely a "normal" amount in my peer group but it's still not enough and I would love to have more - I've certainly considered moving closer for that reason, although with modern technology what it is I feel like the physical distance doesn't have to determine the amount of communication as much as I let it.
FWIW, I've also increased my visits recently as one parent struggles with their health and I acutely understand that this time together won't be an option forever. I know my parents are happy for me and happy for all the reasons that I live in the city I do but it's not without its costs. I don't think acknowledging that, and enjoying a strong family network, is unhealthy in the least (even though it's not a privilege available to all.)
posted by mosst at 7:02 AM on October 9, 2018
FWIW, I've also increased my visits recently as one parent struggles with their health and I acutely understand that this time together won't be an option forever. I know my parents are happy for me and happy for all the reasons that I live in the city I do but it's not without its costs. I don't think acknowledging that, and enjoying a strong family network, is unhealthy in the least (even though it's not a privilege available to all.)
posted by mosst at 7:02 AM on October 9, 2018
Grown-ass 40 year old here - I've always lived within an hour radius of my folks. I talk with them usually once per week on the phone, 'chat' with my mom during our WWF games and see them once or twice a month.
Was having dinner with them recently and my mom remarked how we were more than family - like, we like and choose to actively hang out together beyond feeling obligated to because we're related.
I love that my immediate family is so close in proximity and that my son has a lot of opportunities to be with his grandparents.
I will say that I'm an absolute outlier among my friends. Most seems to have a relatively distant relationship (mostly due to healthy boundaries) with their parents.
posted by Twicketface at 7:22 AM on October 9, 2018
Was having dinner with them recently and my mom remarked how we were more than family - like, we like and choose to actively hang out together beyond feeling obligated to because we're related.
I love that my immediate family is so close in proximity and that my son has a lot of opportunities to be with his grandparents.
I will say that I'm an absolute outlier among my friends. Most seems to have a relatively distant relationship (mostly due to healthy boundaries) with their parents.
posted by Twicketface at 7:22 AM on October 9, 2018
It's OK to want to see your parents. It's OK to not want to see your parents. As a sample for you to compare yourself to. My family used to all live within a 5 minute drive from each other and then I used to actually have my parents living with me when my father was dying & after he passed my mother stayed in the house with me for almost 3 years. They were awesome years & I really got to know her & wouldn't change a thing. When I moved to another country I used to ring her once a week & my husband & I try to have a meal with his parents at least once every week or 2 & they live maybe 10 minutes from where we live now.
It's OK to be attached to your parents, it's OK to make life decisions based on considerations about seeing your family & being close to them but the important part is the IF. IF doing so makes you happy & you are doing it because you love them & like/love spending time with your family. Doing it out of a sense of guilt or because they demand it of you to or you think you have to is when it's not healthy.
My mother passed away a month ago, I lived half a world away & due to medical reasons couldn't fly out to see her in her last few weeks. Since she has died I have never thought I wish I made less phone calls to her, I wish I'd spent less time with her.
posted by wwax at 7:33 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
It's OK to be attached to your parents, it's OK to make life decisions based on considerations about seeing your family & being close to them but the important part is the IF. IF doing so makes you happy & you are doing it because you love them & like/love spending time with your family. Doing it out of a sense of guilt or because they demand it of you to or you think you have to is when it's not healthy.
My mother passed away a month ago, I lived half a world away & due to medical reasons couldn't fly out to see her in her last few weeks. Since she has died I have never thought I wish I made less phone calls to her, I wish I'd spent less time with her.
posted by wwax at 7:33 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
More anecdata:
I'm 28yo and live ~640 miles from my parents. We see each other 3-4 times a year (they usually each visit me once, and I visit them twice or so). It never feels like enough: we're close and enjoy each other's company a lot. The only thing I regret about moving from DC to MA in 2016 is that it more than quadrupled our distance apart and probably quartered the amount of time we see each other. (FWIW, I know my parents would like to see more of me, but they never guilt me or pressure me to visit. They're all about respecting my autonomy and letting me live my life.)
My bf is also 28yo and we live about ~3 miles from his parents. He sees them at least once a week and I usually see them once every two weeks. As with my family, he's close with his folks and has a nice relationship with them; it's never a chore to see them.
There's really no "normal" here. It's only a problem if it's a problem for you.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:40 AM on October 9, 2018
I'm 28yo and live ~640 miles from my parents. We see each other 3-4 times a year (they usually each visit me once, and I visit them twice or so). It never feels like enough: we're close and enjoy each other's company a lot. The only thing I regret about moving from DC to MA in 2016 is that it more than quadrupled our distance apart and probably quartered the amount of time we see each other. (FWIW, I know my parents would like to see more of me, but they never guilt me or pressure me to visit. They're all about respecting my autonomy and letting me live my life.)
My bf is also 28yo and we live about ~3 miles from his parents. He sees them at least once a week and I usually see them once every two weeks. As with my family, he's close with his folks and has a nice relationship with them; it's never a chore to see them.
There's really no "normal" here. It's only a problem if it's a problem for you.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:40 AM on October 9, 2018
I suspect that if you worked on your guilt and really are otherwise having happy visits without hardship, then you'd still see your parents just about the same amount. Your amount of visiting doesn't sound like an outlier at all, and at least in my part of the country/cultural background, generally less than average (not that these folks here have inherently healthy family dynamics, but just for comparison). From my wife's cultural background we should be living with her mother and our monthly visits aren't nearly enough, so! Life is a rich tapestry and you do you! Maybe think about seeing someone about dealing with that guilt so you can enjoy your parents company less burdened.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 7:51 AM on October 9, 2018
posted by wellifyouinsist at 7:51 AM on October 9, 2018
For what it's worth, in the vast, vast majority of the world, pretty much anywhere outside the West/Europe/America (and of course, in some parts of Europe as well), it's common to see your parents much, much more frequently than three times a year. I don't think everyone outside America and Western Europe is pathological.
posted by armadillo1224 at 7:54 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by armadillo1224 at 7:54 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I feel like no visit is ever long enough.
I have a similar relationship with my mom. The visits are never long enough, the phone calls are too short, the emails lack detail. I cannot win with her. Even if I saw her weekly, I wouldn't be living in her house. If I were living in her house, I wouldn't be having every meal with her.
It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy, so now I see her as infrequently as possible--no more than twice a year--because she just complains the entire time.
But with my own kids, they all live within 4 hours of me, and I see them about 8 times a year, which is plenty, sometimes more than plenty.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:54 AM on October 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have a similar relationship with my mom. The visits are never long enough, the phone calls are too short, the emails lack detail. I cannot win with her. Even if I saw her weekly, I wouldn't be living in her house. If I were living in her house, I wouldn't be having every meal with her.
It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy, so now I see her as infrequently as possible--no more than twice a year--because she just complains the entire time.
But with my own kids, they all live within 4 hours of me, and I see them about 8 times a year, which is plenty, sometimes more than plenty.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:54 AM on October 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
I see my family of origin 1-2x a year. That is the right amount for me.
My siblings all live in the same state as my parents, and they all see each other at least 1-2x a month. They like that a lot.
I think my SIL sees my parents 1-2x a week, if not more. Same with her parents and other family. (This is in part to my brother currently working across the country, and she needs help with the baby.)
I also see my family of in-laws 1-2x a year, and I wish I could see them 4x a year.
So really, who cares? Does it work for you and them? Then keep on keeping on!
posted by Ms Vegetable at 8:19 AM on October 9, 2018
My siblings all live in the same state as my parents, and they all see each other at least 1-2x a month. They like that a lot.
I think my SIL sees my parents 1-2x a week, if not more. Same with her parents and other family. (This is in part to my brother currently working across the country, and she needs help with the baby.)
I also see my family of in-laws 1-2x a year, and I wish I could see them 4x a year.
So really, who cares? Does it work for you and them? Then keep on keeping on!
posted by Ms Vegetable at 8:19 AM on October 9, 2018
Do you feel guilty, or do you feel sad?
I moved back to my hometown, not just because of my parents but also extended family. We went from being a five hour drive to being less than a mile. When we lived five hours away we made the drive once a month. I felt like I was missing too much - no one made me feel bad about it, I was just sad not to be there. And I was sad to think I was losing out on time with my parents, knowing that time was finite.
We live a mile away and see them at least once a week; sometimes up to four times a week. I talk to my mom every day. One of my sisters and one of my brothers talk to her every day as well. One brother talks to her only on Sundays. One sister, who lives two miles away, goes months without seeing her or talking to her. So even within families this varies. (we love my dad too, but he can't hear on the phone and so mom does most of the communicating).
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:20 AM on October 9, 2018
I moved back to my hometown, not just because of my parents but also extended family. We went from being a five hour drive to being less than a mile. When we lived five hours away we made the drive once a month. I felt like I was missing too much - no one made me feel bad about it, I was just sad not to be there. And I was sad to think I was losing out on time with my parents, knowing that time was finite.
We live a mile away and see them at least once a week; sometimes up to four times a week. I talk to my mom every day. One of my sisters and one of my brothers talk to her every day as well. One brother talks to her only on Sundays. One sister, who lives two miles away, goes months without seeing her or talking to her. So even within families this varies. (we love my dad too, but he can't hear on the phone and so mom does most of the communicating).
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:20 AM on October 9, 2018
This question startled me. There's no norm for this. People ideally have as much contact with their parents as they enjoy having and that their logistics/finances permit. Many people are close with their parents, live nearby, and see them every day. Many people live a couple hours' drive away and see them once or twice a month. Many people people live a continent away from their parents and rarely see them. Many people are estranged entirely from their parents. Many people's parents are no longer alive.
There's only a problem if the amount you see them is different from the amount you'd like to see them. Are you perhaps asking a different question, like what the advantages and disadvantages might be of living closer to yours?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:43 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
There's only a problem if the amount you see them is different from the amount you'd like to see them. Are you perhaps asking a different question, like what the advantages and disadvantages might be of living closer to yours?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:43 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think the issue is, not the frequency but that you feel that you need them so much. And the guilt. It sounds like there is stuff to unpack there, the co-dependency. Spend some time exploring that and the frequency Will sort itself out.
If it weren’t for my kid, I’d talk to my mom every 6-8wks, no guilt. Because of the kid, we have almost weekly Skype. One visit a year. Sometimes she says I wish you were closer but I’m like it is what it is.
Hubby talks to his parents like several times a week. No guilt. One visit a year. They seem to have ok boundaries - they’ll give input to his decisions but ultimately butt out and trust he’s adult enough to make choices.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:29 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
If it weren’t for my kid, I’d talk to my mom every 6-8wks, no guilt. Because of the kid, we have almost weekly Skype. One visit a year. Sometimes she says I wish you were closer but I’m like it is what it is.
Hubby talks to his parents like several times a week. No guilt. One visit a year. They seem to have ok boundaries - they’ll give input to his decisions but ultimately butt out and trust he’s adult enough to make choices.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:29 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is largely cultural too. Across the world many people your age see their parents every day or even live in a household with them.
I'm American, 39, but live near my parents and they would love to talk to me every day. I see them about once to 3x a month and that's not really enough for them. Sometimes i wish i could see them more, too.
posted by bearette at 9:34 AM on October 9, 2018
I'm American, 39, but live near my parents and they would love to talk to me every day. I see them about once to 3x a month and that's not really enough for them. Sometimes i wish i could see them more, too.
posted by bearette at 9:34 AM on October 9, 2018
Instead of examining what's normal, examine the guilt. If guilt is a motivating factor and you feel it intensely, it's likely a sign that there's some dysfunction somewhere. Clear that up for yourself before making big move decisions.
I moved back to the state where I grew up so that I could be physically closer to my parents and sibling. I see them at least once a week now instead of 2-3 times a year. Neither the move nor the visits are motivated by guilt and everyone has very healthy boundaries.
posted by quince at 10:11 AM on October 9, 2018
I moved back to the state where I grew up so that I could be physically closer to my parents and sibling. I see them at least once a week now instead of 2-3 times a year. Neither the move nor the visits are motivated by guilt and everyone has very healthy boundaries.
posted by quince at 10:11 AM on October 9, 2018
Yes, it's normal and good! We have such an unhealthy relationship with families in the West (I acknowledge that am assuming here...) For millennia, people have lived close to their families and it was the norm. What we see today in terms of familial relationships among adults is totally abnormal in terms of what our social brains are built for.
Signed,
a professor of psychology
posted by namesarehard at 10:37 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Signed,
a professor of psychology
posted by namesarehard at 10:37 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
My mother lives half an hour away and I see her weekly, sometimes twice a week. We both like it this way. If, for some reason, we can't get together in a particular week, we miss each other. We are close. This is normal for us.
My husband's mother lives half the country away. We see her 2-4x a year. That is more than enough for everyone. They are not particularly close. They love each other but do not seem to really enjoy each other's company. This is normal for them.
I would find only seeing my mother a few times a year almost unbearable. My husband would be pretty cool with seeing his mother once a year. Everyone's relationship is different and I don't think there are really any norms around it.
posted by Aquifer at 10:44 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
My husband's mother lives half the country away. We see her 2-4x a year. That is more than enough for everyone. They are not particularly close. They love each other but do not seem to really enjoy each other's company. This is normal for them.
I would find only seeing my mother a few times a year almost unbearable. My husband would be pretty cool with seeing his mother once a year. Everyone's relationship is different and I don't think there are really any norms around it.
posted by Aquifer at 10:44 AM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, yo.
I am a mid-40s guy whose parents live 1000+ miles away. I see them maybe two or three times a year, which none of us thinks is enough: I miss them terribly. But flying is expensive, and a trip takes time (our schedules are very busy, with all these teen-agers), etc., etc.
My FiL died last spring, though, and my wife & I came to a sudden realization: none of us is getting any younger, and we won't be around for ever. So I just started flying out there an extra time (on my own, without the wife & kids) to hang out with my parents and brothers and sister. They all live within a mile of each other, and see each other often -- which is awesome for them, and they know it.
My MiL lives about ten minutes away from us, and we invite her over for dinner once or twice a month; my wife talks to her daily, I think, and she sometimes drives one of the kids to an event when we can't get there. We are delighted to have her in our and the kids' lives, and her visits are fun.
In conclusion,Europe is families are a land of contrasts.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:52 AM on October 9, 2018
I am a mid-40s guy whose parents live 1000+ miles away. I see them maybe two or three times a year, which none of us thinks is enough: I miss them terribly. But flying is expensive, and a trip takes time (our schedules are very busy, with all these teen-agers), etc., etc.
My FiL died last spring, though, and my wife & I came to a sudden realization: none of us is getting any younger, and we won't be around for ever. So I just started flying out there an extra time (on my own, without the wife & kids) to hang out with my parents and brothers and sister. They all live within a mile of each other, and see each other often -- which is awesome for them, and they know it.
My MiL lives about ten minutes away from us, and we invite her over for dinner once or twice a month; my wife talks to her daily, I think, and she sometimes drives one of the kids to an event when we can't get there. We are delighted to have her in our and the kids' lives, and her visits are fun.
In conclusion,
posted by wenestvedt at 10:52 AM on October 9, 2018
Chiming in that this seems pretty typical/common in the sense that I think very many people who only see their families 3x a year would rather see them more often. Certainly it's not an outlier that raises any kind of eyebrows or flags.
It can be weirdly difficult to talk about or process feelings about a close parent/relative relationship in a social group where most folks are distant or estranged from their families. (I may be off base, but your mention of "grown-ass adult" in your post suggests you have internalized a little of the idea that Real Adults don't need their parents?) So if some of your conflict is that you feel you're getting judgment or static from your friends, maybe try to step back from that perspective. There's no rule about how much you have to like or see your parents, at any age.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:24 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
It can be weirdly difficult to talk about or process feelings about a close parent/relative relationship in a social group where most folks are distant or estranged from their families. (I may be off base, but your mention of "grown-ass adult" in your post suggests you have internalized a little of the idea that Real Adults don't need their parents?) So if some of your conflict is that you feel you're getting judgment or static from your friends, maybe try to step back from that perspective. There's no rule about how much you have to like or see your parents, at any age.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:24 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
(And if you're not getting static, but just feeling like your friends Do It Differently and maybe you should too -- those friends who live near parents and never see them may have very good reasons for being so distant, and those reasons may not apply to your situation at all.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:26 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:26 AM on October 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm 50 and both my parents have died. I used to see one every month or two and one maybe a few times a year. This worked. The times this is often a problem, as others have pointed out, was either if our expectations were misaligned (i.e. I thought I saw my mother enough, she very much did not thing it was enough and wound up resenting me, this is because she had mental health issues that were not my concern other than in general "yeah that must be tough")
THAT said the one thing I haven't seen mentioned (I skimmed except for your responses) is when it comes time to have or be a family of your own (whether by getting a partner or a chosen family of non-partners). Because then you'll have to jibe your expectations and people definitely have feels about that. For example, I dated a guy who wanted to see his family every Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving. Which would be okay except I also wanted to see my family some of those times. And my parents were divorced so I had two families to visit. And our families weren't close to each other. This did not work. He could not really see his family less comfortably and did not feel okay seeing them without me too often, and it became a thing in our relationship.
My current guy has one set of parents and sees them infrequently (they live far away) but would like to see them a little more. Sometimes I go, sometimes I do not. I like to see my sister more often now that my parents have died and we make that work for us (sometimes he goes and sometimes he does not) and he understands that since my parents have both died, my sister is always a +1 for any holiday. This is okay with him and it works for me so even if it's not "normative" (it might be, I don't know) it doesn't matter.
What can go wrong is when people say "The amount you want to see your parents isn't normal. I am your partner, we need to get back to a more normal level" and even if you sort of know in your heart of hearts that anything is normal, what they mean is "an average amount" so it's worth thinking about what that is.
Sounds like if you mostly like your folks (it's very unclear from your follow-ups if you make them feel guity because of something they do/say or because of your own feelings) it might make sense to live near them. Many people live near their families or move to be closer to them.
In short: it's only a problem if it's a problem and if this is concerning you, you might want to talk with a trusted friend, pastor or therapist to help you untangle it.
posted by jessamyn at 12:18 PM on October 9, 2018
THAT said the one thing I haven't seen mentioned (I skimmed except for your responses) is when it comes time to have or be a family of your own (whether by getting a partner or a chosen family of non-partners). Because then you'll have to jibe your expectations and people definitely have feels about that. For example, I dated a guy who wanted to see his family every Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving. Which would be okay except I also wanted to see my family some of those times. And my parents were divorced so I had two families to visit. And our families weren't close to each other. This did not work. He could not really see his family less comfortably and did not feel okay seeing them without me too often, and it became a thing in our relationship.
My current guy has one set of parents and sees them infrequently (they live far away) but would like to see them a little more. Sometimes I go, sometimes I do not. I like to see my sister more often now that my parents have died and we make that work for us (sometimes he goes and sometimes he does not) and he understands that since my parents have both died, my sister is always a +1 for any holiday. This is okay with him and it works for me so even if it's not "normative" (it might be, I don't know) it doesn't matter.
What can go wrong is when people say "The amount you want to see your parents isn't normal. I am your partner, we need to get back to a more normal level" and even if you sort of know in your heart of hearts that anything is normal, what they mean is "an average amount" so it's worth thinking about what that is.
Sounds like if you mostly like your folks (it's very unclear from your follow-ups if you make them feel guity because of something they do/say or because of your own feelings) it might make sense to live near them. Many people live near their families or move to be closer to them.
In short: it's only a problem if it's a problem and if this is concerning you, you might want to talk with a trusted friend, pastor or therapist to help you untangle it.
posted by jessamyn at 12:18 PM on October 9, 2018
My husband's parents live internationally and we see them way more than 3x a year. Our whole family goes to see them at least twice, they come to see us maybe 3 times, and my husband goes alone maybe 2-3 more times a year. They're from a country with a high standard of living and lots of paid vacation, so it's a sacrifice for them to come so much, but it's doable. It's definitely a sacrifice for me to go there so much, financially and in terms of my limited time off. And my husband is lucky that he can sometimes go there for work. It's a US East Coast to Europe flight between us, so it's a lot more manageable than if they lived in Asia or Oceana.
And even with this, there's guilt about how we "hardly ever see them" (!!!). It's a source of resentment how much our lives revolve around seeing them, and even with all the visits there's guilt (a lot of it self-imposed from my husband). But I wouldn't say it's an amazingly pathological relationship, more just the normal frustrations of any family. So that's just one data point from another international family who's even further on the closeness bell curve.
posted by sometamegazelle at 1:17 PM on October 9, 2018
And even with this, there's guilt about how we "hardly ever see them" (!!!). It's a source of resentment how much our lives revolve around seeing them, and even with all the visits there's guilt (a lot of it self-imposed from my husband). But I wouldn't say it's an amazingly pathological relationship, more just the normal frustrations of any family. So that's just one data point from another international family who's even further on the closeness bell curve.
posted by sometamegazelle at 1:17 PM on October 9, 2018
Through my mid-20s to early 30s, I lived a 20 min drive away from my mother. I saw her a couple times a month and we spoke on the phone at least a few times a week. This sounds like a lot, but the dynamic with us was that it was on my terms and that my mother understood me to be a self-sustaining adult by then - she wasn't helping me run errands or do my laundry.
Many of my peers (I'm a Millennial who grew up around a lot of middle-upper income types) who spent similar amounts of time with their parents still had their parents heavily involved in their adulting, despite having moved out years ago. I would never think to side-eye someone wanting to be closer to their parents as an adult unless they were pretty transparently trying to offload their responsibilities onto them in a way that isn't in keeping with equitable multi-generational household divisions of labour.
This is just a long way of saying: it's possible to mooch off of one's parents, and it's pretty obvious when that's the ultimate goal.
posted by blerghamot at 2:24 PM on October 9, 2018
Many of my peers (I'm a Millennial who grew up around a lot of middle-upper income types) who spent similar amounts of time with their parents still had their parents heavily involved in their adulting, despite having moved out years ago. I would never think to side-eye someone wanting to be closer to their parents as an adult unless they were pretty transparently trying to offload their responsibilities onto them in a way that isn't in keeping with equitable multi-generational household divisions of labour.
This is just a long way of saying: it's possible to mooch off of one's parents, and it's pretty obvious when that's the ultimate goal.
posted by blerghamot at 2:24 PM on October 9, 2018
Sounds like you have a great relationship with your parents. That is something to be proud of. I am also long distance from my parents. Unfortunately I only get to see them once or twice a year for visits lasting a few days. That said I talk to my parents about 2 times a week at least. So I'd say I have a decent amount of communication with them. My wife who also gets along extremely well with her parents only talks to them about once a month. And can sometimes go a couple years without seeing them. I often question my wife about the lack of communication. She says it's just the way her family is but it doesn't mean they don't like each other. So as you can see there are many extremes. Bottom line...see your parents as often as you want and can hopefully afford. You only have one set of parents. Enjoy your time with them for as long as you can.
posted by ljs30 at 8:00 PM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ljs30 at 8:00 PM on October 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I love my parents and call them at least once a week and see them at least once a month. Longest I went was two or three months. I'm lucky. I wouldn't give a shit about what anyone else thinks.
posted by yueliang at 2:50 AM on October 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by yueliang at 2:50 AM on October 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
We're early 30s and live about a 15-min drive from my parents, and an hour-long drive from my spouse's parents. We see both sets of parents once every 2 weeks, and talk to them a couple of times a week in addition to that, which works for us. But both sets of our parents would prefer we live next door to them (if not in their house!) and see them everyday, so that guilt is still there. But I come from a culture where filial piety is a cultural expectation.
posted by spicytunaroll at 4:55 AM on October 10, 2018
posted by spicytunaroll at 4:55 AM on October 10, 2018
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posted by jadepearl at 2:36 AM on October 9, 2018 [4 favorites]