I've ruined the carpet and think WW3 might erupt. Help!
September 3, 2018 4:04 AM Subscribe
Mental health issues wrapped up with hoarding accident inside.
My mother has had a problem with hoarding for as long as I remember.
Today: I was walking briskly down the upstairs hallway and into the bathroom, when I heard something fall down the stairs, one by one. I assumed it was a book, as books are often randomly lined up there. But NO. To my absolute horror a large tin of paint had bounced down the stairs and ruined at least 6 of them, along with my jacket and a pair of my shoes (in the shoe stand!). I've cried, blotted and tried to blast with turpentine, but I've no doubt it's really wrecked overall.
I feel awful for two reasons. One: I've wrecked the carpet which my mother will now have to pay for (I've moved home for one month to save money - I start a new job in 3 weeks). Two: I'm inexplicably angry that she left a large, open tin of paint precariously dangling on a bannister and now that I've knocked it over (having not even registered it because there's so much clutter everywhere it must've been like backgound clutter) it is going to be my fault. My mother has a foul temper and that is what I fear the most.
Tensions have been brewing over the last week, because she asked me to move back in with her for a month to help her sort out the house, but it has been fairly unproductive. She asked me to be here for joiner appointments etc and I attended two kitchen design appts with her which she's now doing nothing about again. My anger seems to be stemming from the fact my entire childhood was like this and when she returns to tonight, the blame will be on me. I think about the years ahead when she is elderly, where nothing changes and I am the big bad wolf for suggesting she makes changes. If I sound angry, it's because the state of my childhood home was not lost on other children who used to talk about it, nor boyfriends, and it has affected me.
For the timebeing, I would like to avoid having a supreme fall out this evening. I am not having a good time with my mental or medical health at the moment, which is partially why I moved home. I've realised my 'home' isn't the sress-free anchor it is for some people however. Any tips?
My mother has had a problem with hoarding for as long as I remember.
Today: I was walking briskly down the upstairs hallway and into the bathroom, when I heard something fall down the stairs, one by one. I assumed it was a book, as books are often randomly lined up there. But NO. To my absolute horror a large tin of paint had bounced down the stairs and ruined at least 6 of them, along with my jacket and a pair of my shoes (in the shoe stand!). I've cried, blotted and tried to blast with turpentine, but I've no doubt it's really wrecked overall.
I feel awful for two reasons. One: I've wrecked the carpet which my mother will now have to pay for (I've moved home for one month to save money - I start a new job in 3 weeks). Two: I'm inexplicably angry that she left a large, open tin of paint precariously dangling on a bannister and now that I've knocked it over (having not even registered it because there's so much clutter everywhere it must've been like backgound clutter) it is going to be my fault. My mother has a foul temper and that is what I fear the most.
Tensions have been brewing over the last week, because she asked me to move back in with her for a month to help her sort out the house, but it has been fairly unproductive. She asked me to be here for joiner appointments etc and I attended two kitchen design appts with her which she's now doing nothing about again. My anger seems to be stemming from the fact my entire childhood was like this and when she returns to tonight, the blame will be on me. I think about the years ahead when she is elderly, where nothing changes and I am the big bad wolf for suggesting she makes changes. If I sound angry, it's because the state of my childhood home was not lost on other children who used to talk about it, nor boyfriends, and it has affected me.
For the timebeing, I would like to avoid having a supreme fall out this evening. I am not having a good time with my mental or medical health at the moment, which is partially why I moved home. I've realised my 'home' isn't the sress-free anchor it is for some people however. Any tips?
Ps personally i would focus my efforts on the stairs/carpet first and foremost, as this should help re ww3.
posted by 15L06 at 4:29 AM on September 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by 15L06 at 4:29 AM on September 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Not matter how you approach things with your mum, you need to accept that you didn't ruin the carpet - there was a random open paint tin just hanging out. It's not reasonable to expect you to anticipate unusually placed paint. Accepting that internally may help your mental health, even if you can't state it to your mum.
Your old home is not a safe space for you, are there other friends or family you could lean on temporarily?
posted by deadwax at 4:34 AM on September 3, 2018 [41 favorites]
Your old home is not a safe space for you, are there other friends or family you could lean on temporarily?
posted by deadwax at 4:34 AM on September 3, 2018 [41 favorites]
Perspective 1: "You knocked this tin of pain over and you've ruined my carpets and this is all your fault."
Perspective 2: "You left an open tin of paint on the stairs and now my shoes and coat are completely ruined."
You are taking on the blame here when you shouldn't. Your mother's anger is no more justified than yours. In fact, it is vastly less so because your mother left an open tin of paint on the stairs. WHO DOES THAT?
I mean, clean it up as best you can and prepare to be yelled at because apparently, that's how your mother rolls, but don't cry and accept blame and apologise. This would never have happened if she'd not left open paint around, and while she will probably try to convince you that that is a perfectly normal, rational, blameless thing to do, it is not.
For perspective, leaving out an open tin of paint is the sort of boneheaded thing I would do, but when my husband then knocked the tin down the stairs in the normal course of events,unless I had said "hey be, really careful, there's an open tin of paint on the stairs," it would be my fault and not his.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:36 AM on September 3, 2018 [48 favorites]
Perspective 2: "You left an open tin of paint on the stairs and now my shoes and coat are completely ruined."
You are taking on the blame here when you shouldn't. Your mother's anger is no more justified than yours. In fact, it is vastly less so because your mother left an open tin of paint on the stairs. WHO DOES THAT?
I mean, clean it up as best you can and prepare to be yelled at because apparently, that's how your mother rolls, but don't cry and accept blame and apologise. This would never have happened if she'd not left open paint around, and while she will probably try to convince you that that is a perfectly normal, rational, blameless thing to do, it is not.
For perspective, leaving out an open tin of paint is the sort of boneheaded thing I would do, but when my husband then knocked the tin down the stairs in the normal course of events,unless I had said "hey be, really careful, there's an open tin of paint on the stairs," it would be my fault and not his.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:36 AM on September 3, 2018 [48 favorites]
Yep, I’d be inclined to frame it as, “Mum, you left an open can of paint out and now my coat and shoes, which I seriously can’t afford to replace, are ruined, how do you want to deal with this” rather than, “Oh no, I spilt paint all over your stairs and destroyed them.” Remember, you can open the conversation and set the tone, you don’t have to wait for her to blame you.
posted by Jubey at 4:52 AM on September 3, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 4:52 AM on September 3, 2018 [14 favorites]
Best answer: This is actually a gift because the calamity is so obviously caused by your mother's hoarderideation. I guaranTEE she had a moment when she positioned that stupid can in that stupid place where she thought, "this is stupid." (I can guarantee this because I do this kind of thing all the time. "That breakable thing is likely to fall of that precarious perch I'm right now situating it on. Why am I putting it here, this is dumb, OMG, it's Friday, Washington Week is about to start, what will they say about the dumb shit the president did toda-" [takes off running for the TV couch] The next day: CRASH, tinkletinkle! "Oh dang, I remember putting that there and thinking it might fall but then I just left it there... why do I do this to myself...?")
So bring that not-quite-conscious thought she had when she set up the paint booby trap out into the light of consciousness. As she is hollering to try to shift the blame and avoid the sad feelings, do broken record, where you just repeat over and over the thing that she did to cause this. Declare the mistake aloud, over and over and over, throwing the emphasis in different and interesting places. "An open can of paint dangling from the banister. An OPEN can of paint. And dangling. DANGLING from the banister. Can of paint. OPEN AND DANGLING precariously. OVER THE CARPET. OVER MY JACKET. OVER MY SHOES. Open. Can. Of paint. On the carpeted staircase." And on and on and on. Until she stops trying to argue. However long it takes. Bring the charitable light of sanity to this ill-lit scene and to your mother's benighted brain.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:59 AM on September 3, 2018 [20 favorites]
So bring that not-quite-conscious thought she had when she set up the paint booby trap out into the light of consciousness. As she is hollering to try to shift the blame and avoid the sad feelings, do broken record, where you just repeat over and over the thing that she did to cause this. Declare the mistake aloud, over and over and over, throwing the emphasis in different and interesting places. "An open can of paint dangling from the banister. An OPEN can of paint. And dangling. DANGLING from the banister. Can of paint. OPEN AND DANGLING precariously. OVER THE CARPET. OVER MY JACKET. OVER MY SHOES. Open. Can. Of paint. On the carpeted staircase." And on and on and on. Until she stops trying to argue. However long it takes. Bring the charitable light of sanity to this ill-lit scene and to your mother's benighted brain.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:59 AM on September 3, 2018 [20 favorites]
I mean, it sounds like you didn't touch it? What about "I was walking over here when I heard it fall" as part of what you say. If something is placed so precariously that the vibration of floorboards due to walking can cause it to fall over, it's really not something you should feel ready to accept the blame for.
posted by salvia at 8:38 AM on September 3, 2018 [26 favorites]
posted by salvia at 8:38 AM on September 3, 2018 [26 favorites]
You didn't even touch the damn thing. It fell from the spot where she put it. Not remotely your fault. Keep that front and center in your mind.
Your mom has an illness, that's not your fault either.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:53 AM on September 3, 2018 [17 favorites]
Your mom has an illness, that's not your fault either.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:53 AM on September 3, 2018 [17 favorites]
Yeah, I'm not hearing any way this is actually your fault. Even if you stomped a little while walking, in no way should a house be arranged such that an entire can of paint would fall down the stairs in an area adjacent to where people walk. This is not your fault.
Anything you do to clean this up is not you cleaning up a mess that is in any way yours—it would be you going above and beyond to take care of the mess your mother created when she set up a booby-trap scenario in her stairwell. And it's a mess that has likely ruined some of your belongings.
There's great advice above about how to proceed in trying to clean up her mess. Otherwise, after your best efforts in that regard, the way I'd recommend that you meet any tirade she might bring down upon you about this would be with absolute calm, Zen, and objective demeanor, even if she seethes at you. I would say you are entirely in the right here, but both of you are victims of her neglectfulness and have suffered damage to your respective property as a result.
So to be clear, out of the way DarlingBri framed it above, I wouldn't even say perspective 1 ("You knocked this tin of pain over and you've ruined my carpets and this is all your fault.") has any validity whatsoever, and you shouldn't lend it any credence if that's the perspective your mother chooses to express. The only three valid ways of framing this that I can see are "This tin of paint fell over and ruined my carpet and I'm upset," "This tin of paint fell over and ruined my jacket and shoes and I'm upset," and "Your neglectfulness led to a situation where both of us had property damaged and I'm upset."
Being upset and feeling emotions about this is absolutely valid for both of you, and if you need to empathize with her on any front, to be able to connect to get through this, that's where I'd focus. "I know, this is really upsetting for me, too." "Yes, this is not something I expected to find when I opened the door to the stairwell, and I'm really dismayed." "I've done my best to clean up this mess I found when I opened the door, but unfortunately, I fear my shoes and jacket may be ruined."
Nothing about this is on you, so don't preemptively or even retroactively claim it or put any of it on yourself. If I were you, I wouldn't even get into details of whether you were stomping or stepping briskly or heavily in the hallway. That's really immaterial and falsely could cast blame upon you. It sounds like she may well cast blame on you either way, so don't give her ammunition. Just remember, you're in the right, and this is her fault, but you were both hurt by it and now ideally will find a way to collaborate to deal with it. Not that it's your duty to clean up her messes, either! But you're being a good daughter and making a good-faith effort to deal with a situation you came across in her house while she wasn't there. That's it. You're trying to help, but you are not responsible in any way for the situation, and your property was damaged by it too. Be firm about that.
posted by limeonaire at 9:30 AM on September 3, 2018 [6 favorites]
Anything you do to clean this up is not you cleaning up a mess that is in any way yours—it would be you going above and beyond to take care of the mess your mother created when she set up a booby-trap scenario in her stairwell. And it's a mess that has likely ruined some of your belongings.
There's great advice above about how to proceed in trying to clean up her mess. Otherwise, after your best efforts in that regard, the way I'd recommend that you meet any tirade she might bring down upon you about this would be with absolute calm, Zen, and objective demeanor, even if she seethes at you. I would say you are entirely in the right here, but both of you are victims of her neglectfulness and have suffered damage to your respective property as a result.
So to be clear, out of the way DarlingBri framed it above, I wouldn't even say perspective 1 ("You knocked this tin of pain over and you've ruined my carpets and this is all your fault.") has any validity whatsoever, and you shouldn't lend it any credence if that's the perspective your mother chooses to express. The only three valid ways of framing this that I can see are "This tin of paint fell over and ruined my carpet and I'm upset," "This tin of paint fell over and ruined my jacket and shoes and I'm upset," and "Your neglectfulness led to a situation where both of us had property damaged and I'm upset."
Being upset and feeling emotions about this is absolutely valid for both of you, and if you need to empathize with her on any front, to be able to connect to get through this, that's where I'd focus. "I know, this is really upsetting for me, too." "Yes, this is not something I expected to find when I opened the door to the stairwell, and I'm really dismayed." "I've done my best to clean up this mess I found when I opened the door, but unfortunately, I fear my shoes and jacket may be ruined."
Nothing about this is on you, so don't preemptively or even retroactively claim it or put any of it on yourself. If I were you, I wouldn't even get into details of whether you were stomping or stepping briskly or heavily in the hallway. That's really immaterial and falsely could cast blame upon you. It sounds like she may well cast blame on you either way, so don't give her ammunition. Just remember, you're in the right, and this is her fault, but you were both hurt by it and now ideally will find a way to collaborate to deal with it. Not that it's your duty to clean up her messes, either! But you're being a good daughter and making a good-faith effort to deal with a situation you came across in her house while she wasn't there. That's it. You're trying to help, but you are not responsible in any way for the situation, and your property was damaged by it too. Be firm about that.
posted by limeonaire at 9:30 AM on September 3, 2018 [6 favorites]
“Hey mom, I was in xxxx room and I heard a thump, when I went to find what it was, I saw a whole can of open paint had fallen down the stairs. It ruined my coat and shoes. I’m trying to clean it up FOR YOU and HELP YOU out here as best I can.” If you want to just avoid confrontation, you can simply act as her ally for a bit.
Then get the heck out.
posted by MountainDaisy at 11:12 AM on September 3, 2018 [12 favorites]
Then get the heck out.
posted by MountainDaisy at 11:12 AM on September 3, 2018 [12 favorites]
Your mum is mentally ill and if she blames this on you, it’s her illness.
Your anger is justified (even if not helpful to get through the 3 weeks) and it’s a sign of your own growing mental health.
It was great of you to combine the two goals (work on the house, save money.) It sounds like you will meet your personal goal. If you don’t get the house cleaned up oh well...your mum’s a hoarder, you get a lifetime of opportunity (ha ha) ahead. Please read up on children of hoarders, it’s really helpful (I am one.) The blaming you, the utter disregard for basic physics combined with the top-flight freak out if Anyone Else Wrecks Anything is a part of the illness. You cannot control it any more than you can keep a diabetic’sblood sugar in line by force of will.
My suggestion for the next 3 week’s is spend as much time out of the house as humanly possible, move, and don’t move back. Then you can make your own haven. Hang in there.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:18 AM on September 3, 2018 [6 favorites]
Your anger is justified (even if not helpful to get through the 3 weeks) and it’s a sign of your own growing mental health.
It was great of you to combine the two goals (work on the house, save money.) It sounds like you will meet your personal goal. If you don’t get the house cleaned up oh well...your mum’s a hoarder, you get a lifetime of opportunity (ha ha) ahead. Please read up on children of hoarders, it’s really helpful (I am one.) The blaming you, the utter disregard for basic physics combined with the top-flight freak out if Anyone Else Wrecks Anything is a part of the illness. You cannot control it any more than you can keep a diabetic’sblood sugar in line by force of will.
My suggestion for the next 3 week’s is spend as much time out of the house as humanly possible, move, and don’t move back. Then you can make your own haven. Hang in there.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:18 AM on September 3, 2018 [6 favorites]
Agree this is not your fault in ANY way imaginable. Your anger is not “inexplicable”, it is completely justified. There is no reason an open can of paint should be placed precariously amongst a backdrop of junk. You did nothing wrong, and your mother’s temper doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. I am sorry you have to live in this situation and hope you can get out ASAP.
posted by a strong female character at 11:49 AM on September 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 11:49 AM on September 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone. Don Pepino, hats off to you for making me laugh with the incredibly varied argument example when I was feeling so miserable!
I cleaned multiple times, more or less salvaging at least 3 stairs, and almost choked on paint fumes all day. She came home and to my amazement, did not get angry. She immediately said it must have been the family cat (who was completely innocent & blissfully asleep all day) who had knocked it over. Um, okay...
When I told her my jacket was ruined, she nonchalantly said 'oh well you can get another one'. I mean...sure, but I loved that jacket and had had it for years. She has at least offered to replace it with another one. I made it clear that the can was open and dangling precariously, but she just kept deflecting and making jokes about it. I guess its better than the rage I'm used to?
Sometimes I wish I could go lower contact but I'm an only child and my mother relies heavily on me. I feel the burden of it, although I do love her.
posted by Willow251 at 4:34 PM on September 3, 2018 [10 favorites]
I cleaned multiple times, more or less salvaging at least 3 stairs, and almost choked on paint fumes all day. She came home and to my amazement, did not get angry. She immediately said it must have been the family cat (who was completely innocent & blissfully asleep all day) who had knocked it over. Um, okay...
When I told her my jacket was ruined, she nonchalantly said 'oh well you can get another one'. I mean...sure, but I loved that jacket and had had it for years. She has at least offered to replace it with another one. I made it clear that the can was open and dangling precariously, but she just kept deflecting and making jokes about it. I guess its better than the rage I'm used to?
Sometimes I wish I could go lower contact but I'm an only child and my mother relies heavily on me. I feel the burden of it, although I do love her.
posted by Willow251 at 4:34 PM on September 3, 2018 [10 favorites]
Hugs from an internet stranger if you want them. My relationship with my mother, who has many issues, is also complex. I guess this is why my immediate response was how to clean up the paint.
Glad others focus on the relationship.
I came in to add that whenever you have job and can afford it, try therapy. I find it so helpful in dealing with my mother's constant demands for my attention. I go to talk therapy as what i really need is to talk instead of bottling it up and freezing up with fear.
posted by 15L06 at 8:48 AM on September 4, 2018
Glad others focus on the relationship.
I came in to add that whenever you have job and can afford it, try therapy. I find it so helpful in dealing with my mother's constant demands for my attention. I go to talk therapy as what i really need is to talk instead of bottling it up and freezing up with fear.
posted by 15L06 at 8:48 AM on September 4, 2018
"Ask a Clean Person" Jolie Kerr runs advice columns and a podcast about cleaning tips, so it's often useful googling "Jolie Kerr +[type of stain]" for relevant help. This column has a few tips for cleaning paint off fabric or carpet, and IIRC Episode 91 of the podcast answered a question about cleaning paint off boots. You could also email Kerr for advice, especially if you think that the paint type or fabric types may require special care.
posted by nicebookrack at 9:57 AM on September 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by nicebookrack at 9:57 AM on September 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
With any luck it was bought recently and it water based and while i don't think you would completely be able to remove the paint even if it is a waterbased lacquer, lot of it will come off with warm soapy water.
I would take the jacket and shoes outside if you can and have a go with a garden hose first (not on the lawn), and then when most paint is gone eg water runs clear, put shoes and jacket in the washing machine with an old towel. They can't be ruined much more.
On the stairs, blot, blot, blot. If possible with old towels ( they will be ruined afterwards), or otherwise paper towels. Wear gloves.
All this will also work with wall paint.
If the paint is not waterbased, look on the paint can what it says to use to clean brushes. Go and buy that, use gloves.
In this case i would forget the shoes and jacket. Concentrate on the stairs.
posted by 15L06 at 4:26 AM on September 3, 2018 [1 favorite]