Online marriage counseling recommendations?
August 19, 2018 5:12 AM   Subscribe

We have an infant and I don't think we would be able to see someone out of the house. Does anyone have anyone they would recommend? It seems difficult to pick out of Google results because I don't want to choose someone based on their SEO skills. More details about the issue inside if you want to give advice/TLDR.

I know you aren't supposed to make big decisions in the first year of an infants life but it is 1:50 PM EDT and my husband is just waking up. My kid got up at 7 am. This is what happens every weekend (unless his parents are here). He has a million excuses about how hard his job is and why he cant fall asleep until super late. I'd like to avoid getting divorced because I want to stay at home with my kid but that seems like the only way to get any equitable arrangement.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (8 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Ugh, that sounds incredibly frustrating. I'm so sorry he's bailing on you like this. New parenthood is grueling in so many ways and it definitely can bring the poor coping mechanisms to the surface. I'm glad you're looking to get help for the two of you.

The Psychology Today website is a good place to find referrals and you may be able to find someone who meets with people online. I also wonder if you might be able to find someone local who could meet online sometimes and in person sometimes--maybe one of you at a time.

Lastly--and I know this isn't what you asked, but I will offer as a gentle suggestion--another possible way to get through this period is to get weekend-morning childcare support. That way you aren't so alone, your husband can still get some space to decompress on weekend evenings/mornings... and maybe you can get some together time with him on weekend mornings without the baby.

No way out but through. Hang in there.
posted by Sublimity at 5:53 AM on August 19, 2018 [5 favorites]


This is very difficult. I applaud you for looking for help now. Not resolving this in some way will , likely, just make it worse and allow it to continue for years. It might be easy to say, oh well this is just a phase, but good for you for looking for a solution.

You may also be able to take the infant with you to an in-person appointment. Betterhelp.com does offer couples therapy but I have no personal experience with couples therapy with them.
posted by RoadScholar at 6:03 AM on August 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


We found someone here. It isn't cheap, and if you don't live in the same state as the therapist they can only provide "coaching", but they have weekend hours and it's been helpful when we remember to apply the skills we learn.

Sorry your spouse is being so self-absorbed.
posted by crunchy potato at 7:16 AM on August 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Psychology Today would be a good resource to start with. You can also contact local marriage counselors in your area and ask if they offer "teletherapy" or sessions via some type of video chat. Your insurance may or may not cover teletherapy, and requirements for licensure for teletherapy vary from state to state, so you may have to do a lot of calling or emailing people to find someone who is able to do it.

While you're asking around, ask if they have anyone that does evening (after 5pm) or weekend sessions. The outpatient practice I now work for has some clinicians who work those hours, and we do have some who offer teletherapy (and we're working to expand that offering). I live in Arkansas for reference.
posted by MultiFaceted at 3:55 PM on August 19, 2018


I'd like to avoid getting divorced because I want to stay at home with my kid

Speaking from the experience of having had a close friend go through a similar situation, this is not a good reason to avoid getting divorced. Do you want to stay married for other reasons?
posted by waffleriot at 5:08 PM on August 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry you're going through this tough time. If you cannot find online therapists you might be able to find therapists who you might meet in person for an intake then phone sessions every other time. I've had therapists and psychiatrists who worked this way. I would also consider talking to him to get to the root of this. Is he willing to go to therapy? Because if he isn't, you'll have to think of other solutions. I also have a friend going through a similar situation and her partner will absolutely NOT go to therapy. They have been at a dead end for years and finally decided to divorce when the kids got older. She also didn't want to divorce so that she could stay at home with the kids.

Waking up at nearly 2 PM sounds really odd. He makes excuses for not being able to get to bed you say. I think this is more than his having trouble getting to sleep and more like he's doing something to occupy his time and escape and disengage from you. Does he stay in a different room? Or he's literally just in bed with insomnia? If he's in another room with the door shut, I have a number of things that come to mind. He's in online chat rooms which a lot of times leads to sexting or cyber sex, watching porn, talking to someone else, playing video games obsessively, etc. I hope I'm wrong, but I just couldn't help thinking it's not because he's decompressing from his job. He's already emotionally detaching himself from you. I hope things work out.
posted by jj's.mama at 7:16 PM on August 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


More details about the issue inside if you want to give advice

I'll go with the advice side. I don't know what is going on with your husband, or that a marriage counselor is going to be able to fix it. But you are right that no big decisions should be made in this first year. So I suggest using the money that you'd use for a marriage counselor and getting a gym membership with childcare instead- go there every weekend morning, put child in childcare and go sit in the sauna, hot tub or a yoga class. Return home at 1pm and put your husband on kid duty.

After the first year, if you are still having a problem with your husband, bring in the counselor.
posted by Toddles at 8:27 PM on August 19, 2018


Inkblot Therapy
posted by wjfitzy at 10:07 PM on August 19, 2018


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