How do I decline money from family for a favor?
July 24, 2018 12:09 PM Subscribe
I dogsat for my brother and his wife. They came back, he said to let him know how to pay me "for my trouble." I did it as a favor and don't like the idea of getting paid for favors in the family. How do I respond and what's the point where I let it go?
My brother and his wife and I are all adults with jobs. I'm in a lower-paying position at the moment by choice, while he just got a higher-paying job.
I prefer a family culture where we do favors for each other as a long-term support system, as described here. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to think of this as a transaction. Favors between family and friends feel so important to me as part of what makes our social bond strong. But I believe he might have a different view on things and is trying to be respectful by honoring my effort with payment. Not sure where his wife stands. They have a gift for me from a recent trip and I'd be happy with that, another gift of some kind, or just getting a favor down the road (and on and on until we have forgotten who did what for whom).
I loved dogsitting so very, very much and never indicated otherwise to them. It was about a 5% inconvenience from my usual routine. I know that's not usual. Do I just tell them that (again)?
The two of them have been paying for things for my mom and recently asked me to help persuade her to accept a gift. There is a little history of weirdness with power and money in the family and I don't want to be like my mom, unable to accept a gift. That dynamic makes me want to be intentional here.
Sometimes my brother gets frustrated if I don't do what he asks or thinks I should do. It's very frustrating for both of us and I'm aware of the potential for a power struggle dynamic. I sort of doubt he'll just say, "Cool, okay," or graciously take the route of doing me a favor instead. Not out of spite; it just won't come to his mind because he will have "Give money" in his mind as the one way forward. If he pushes and pushes, at what point am I the ridiculous one to keep declining?
He's not usually receptive to the reason-behind-the-thing or meta level relationship reasoning.
So, with all that, I want to reply to his text and decline. How do I word this?
Initial response draft: "Thank you for the offer to pay, that's very sweet and I appreciate it. I watched him as a favor for family and don't expect or want payment. I loved hanging out with Dog and it made me happy to know it gave you guys a lower-stress trip. Let's meet up soon for Family Activity Including Dinner and if you want to buy me dinner that will be great :)"
And, I'm planning that if he pushes back, I bring his wife in to avoid the escalation into GGHHGHHH WHY WON'T SISTER DO AS I SAY. Good plan? Meh plan?
Wow I am so projecting into the future here. Fraught history much? But really. Given our background I want to do my part to bring something positive here.
My brother and his wife and I are all adults with jobs. I'm in a lower-paying position at the moment by choice, while he just got a higher-paying job.
I prefer a family culture where we do favors for each other as a long-term support system, as described here. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to think of this as a transaction. Favors between family and friends feel so important to me as part of what makes our social bond strong. But I believe he might have a different view on things and is trying to be respectful by honoring my effort with payment. Not sure where his wife stands. They have a gift for me from a recent trip and I'd be happy with that, another gift of some kind, or just getting a favor down the road (and on and on until we have forgotten who did what for whom).
I loved dogsitting so very, very much and never indicated otherwise to them. It was about a 5% inconvenience from my usual routine. I know that's not usual. Do I just tell them that (again)?
The two of them have been paying for things for my mom and recently asked me to help persuade her to accept a gift. There is a little history of weirdness with power and money in the family and I don't want to be like my mom, unable to accept a gift. That dynamic makes me want to be intentional here.
Sometimes my brother gets frustrated if I don't do what he asks or thinks I should do. It's very frustrating for both of us and I'm aware of the potential for a power struggle dynamic. I sort of doubt he'll just say, "Cool, okay," or graciously take the route of doing me a favor instead. Not out of spite; it just won't come to his mind because he will have "Give money" in his mind as the one way forward. If he pushes and pushes, at what point am I the ridiculous one to keep declining?
He's not usually receptive to the reason-behind-the-thing or meta level relationship reasoning.
So, with all that, I want to reply to his text and decline. How do I word this?
Initial response draft: "Thank you for the offer to pay, that's very sweet and I appreciate it. I watched him as a favor for family and don't expect or want payment. I loved hanging out with Dog and it made me happy to know it gave you guys a lower-stress trip. Let's meet up soon for Family Activity Including Dinner and if you want to buy me dinner that will be great :)"
And, I'm planning that if he pushes back, I bring his wife in to avoid the escalation into GGHHGHHH WHY WON'T SISTER DO AS I SAY. Good plan? Meh plan?
Wow I am so projecting into the future here. Fraught history much? But really. Given our background I want to do my part to bring something positive here.
Don't get in a back and forth. Just tell him he really doesn't need to pay you, but if he insists you'll thank him and donate to the Humane Society (or whatever). Don't bring his wife into it.
posted by JenMarie at 12:14 PM on July 24, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by JenMarie at 12:14 PM on July 24, 2018 [15 favorites]
Your text is a good start but honestly I think I'd make it less formal
"No worries at all - it was great getting some time to hang out with Dog and I'm already looking forward to the next time! Buy me a drink sometime and we're good."
Then just don't mention it. If you're out sometime and he buys you a drink great. If it's forgotten even better.
posted by bowmaniac at 12:18 PM on July 24, 2018 [66 favorites]
"No worries at all - it was great getting some time to hang out with Dog and I'm already looking forward to the next time! Buy me a drink sometime and we're good."
Then just don't mention it. If you're out sometime and he buys you a drink great. If it's forgotten even better.
posted by bowmaniac at 12:18 PM on July 24, 2018 [66 favorites]
Your text sounds great. If he pushes back don't include the wife just text back something like "Dude seriously it's OK, tell you what pay for dinner next time we meet up & we'll call it quits." I come from a family with a very transnational way of dealing with favors, we all get twitchy when the favor quota is out of balance. Buying thank you dinners is how we keep the balance & stop it becoming a bigger thing & we all get to meet up & chat so it's win/win.
posted by wwax at 12:21 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by wwax at 12:21 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
definitely what bowmaniac said! The littler deal you make it, the better chance you have of creating the casual atmosphere you desire.
posted by bluebird at 12:25 PM on July 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by bluebird at 12:25 PM on July 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
I agree with bowmaniac that this is a little formal. Maybe because you are worried about the family culture part, you are overcompensating? What I usually say in this situation is, like, "Thanks! My current rate is one dinner at [restaurant one notch nicer than we would usually go to together, calibrate for your situation as needed]. Glad you guys had a great trip!"
I like my phrasing because it cuts out, "No, really, how much?" I told you how much, it's dinner with you at place. :)
wwax makes a great point that the thank-you dinner deepens the web of family connections that is so important to you!
posted by Snarl Furillo at 12:30 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
I like my phrasing because it cuts out, "No, really, how much?" I told you how much, it's dinner with you at place. :)
wwax makes a great point that the thank-you dinner deepens the web of family connections that is so important to you!
posted by Snarl Furillo at 12:30 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Yeah, just say, "oh, no worries! It was fun, and I was happy to do it. You can just buy me dinner next time we go to X!" You don't need to make a meal out of it. (No pun intended.) I think saying, "I watched him as a favor and don't expect or want payment" could read as you scolding him for trying to pay you, when really he probably thinks he's being generous. You can just be super light about this, and he'll get it!
I do favors for my sister all the time, as does she me, but I also make more money than she does and I paid her to house-sit for me recently because girlfriend can use the cash and I love her.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:35 PM on July 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
I do favors for my sister all the time, as does she me, but I also make more money than she does and I paid her to house-sit for me recently because girlfriend can use the cash and I love her.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:35 PM on July 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
Make a joke out of it, but a joke which emphasizes the primacy of family:
Someday, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this as a gift ...posted by jamjam at 12:37 PM on July 24, 2018 [12 favorites]
I agree that it gets murky and uncomfortable when family members pay each other for services (as opposed to, say, buying something with a defined $ value from you). I think the reason bowmaniac's answer above is very good is that it provides your brother with an alternate way of paying you back. Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of owed favors hanging out there, so it's a graceful way of letting him do something tangible to repay.
posted by widdershins at 12:48 PM on July 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by widdershins at 12:48 PM on July 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
I feel kind of bad going against the grain here (and I might be off base depending on your family history), but... your brother might be offering to pay you specifically because he's uncomfortable with the sort of nebulous "I owe you one"/"this is what families do for each other" dynamic. If he's trying to set boundaries and avoid being subject to unclear future/familial obligations, offering to pay you is a relatively reasonable way to do that.
I will note that I am definitely biased by being a member of a family that has historically done a lot of "this won't be too much trouble for you and faaaaaaaammiiilllyyyy is always there for each other", and I really really do not like to be pressured to be more emotionally intimate with people (including my family) than I'm comfortable with, and I don't like being held to unclear/unstated expectations.
I get that you're trying to be nice, and I don't necessarily think you're using this to lever your brother into a closer relationship-- but letting him pay you also doesn't mean that your relationship is transactional. It might just mean that he prefers to keep his emotional relationships (mostly) free from strings, so he can be close to people because he wants to.
posted by Kpele at 12:54 PM on July 24, 2018 [19 favorites]
I will note that I am definitely biased by being a member of a family that has historically done a lot of "this won't be too much trouble for you and faaaaaaaammiiilllyyyy is always there for each other", and I really really do not like to be pressured to be more emotionally intimate with people (including my family) than I'm comfortable with, and I don't like being held to unclear/unstated expectations.
I get that you're trying to be nice, and I don't necessarily think you're using this to lever your brother into a closer relationship-- but letting him pay you also doesn't mean that your relationship is transactional. It might just mean that he prefers to keep his emotional relationships (mostly) free from strings, so he can be close to people because he wants to.
posted by Kpele at 12:54 PM on July 24, 2018 [19 favorites]
I agree with kpele. I would probably treat my sibling to dinner in the situation you describe but wouldn’t (in my family scenario) be keen in starting something too open ended with any emotional strings... same with friends really.
posted by catspajammies at 1:17 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by catspajammies at 1:17 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I always offer to pay people who dogsit* because it's so very expensive and they have saved me a ton of money by doing it, whether they realise it or not. But most decline it just say "but me a beer sometime" so I'd say you are both in the right here and the suggested texts sound good.
* excluding other dog owning friends because I know I'll just watch their dogs some other time as payment!
posted by fshgrl at 1:48 PM on July 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
* excluding other dog owning friends because I know I'll just watch their dogs some other time as payment!
posted by fshgrl at 1:48 PM on July 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Brother may think this is an easy way to slip you some useful cash, in which case My finances are stable, no worries.
In my case, I have paid friends to care for my dog and explicitly said that I wanted to have the option of asking again. I would accept any refusal. Make sure they know you'd be hapy to dogsit again.
posted by theora55 at 2:07 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
In my case, I have paid friends to care for my dog and explicitly said that I wanted to have the option of asking again. I would accept any refusal. Make sure they know you'd be hapy to dogsit again.
posted by theora55 at 2:07 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have a close friend that comes and feeds our 2 cats when we are out of town. We buy him presents like bottles of booze, gift certificates, and classic vinyl records as payment. He always tells us not to pay him and it's unnecessary. We tell him that's too bad because we really appreciate him taking care of them and it's an expression of our gratitude.
posted by ShakeyJake at 2:10 PM on July 24, 2018
posted by ShakeyJake at 2:10 PM on July 24, 2018
Smile and charge him a six-pack of your favorite beer, or a dinner out, or some equally token amount. He gets to "pay you back" but it's such a small item that it's not transactional in the way you're thinking of. Kind of how when your friends help you move you treat them to pizza afterwards - obviously pizza << moving fees, but it's a gesture of appreciation.
posted by telepanda at 2:25 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by telepanda at 2:25 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
On occasions when I've dogsat for a relative, they've usually left me some cash for take-out (since I was doing it at their home). You might try that--"Next time you can just leave me some money for pizza or something."
I think it's idle to pretend that such services aren't driven at least in part by family feeling rather than transactionality--OP probably wouldn't have taken on the job for a stranger's dog (well, maybe a super super cute one...) and wouldn't want to charge market rate even if OP accepted payment.
posted by praemunire at 2:48 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think it's idle to pretend that such services aren't driven at least in part by family feeling rather than transactionality--OP probably wouldn't have taken on the job for a stranger's dog (well, maybe a super super cute one...) and wouldn't want to charge market rate even if OP accepted payment.
posted by praemunire at 2:48 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Whenever I want to turn down some sort of reciprocation for a favor, I quote enough of that quote from The Godfather to get a laugh:
posted by straw at 4:26 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
"Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day."It's always worked well.
posted by straw at 4:26 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Clarifying that I didn't stay at their house. I was at mine. Kpele, really glad you provided a contrasting perspective. I think he could be motivated by something similar since we have an older relative who expects more than is reasonable and manipulates to get it. I'm going to try for a families-do-favors vibes using Bowmaniac's script for inspiration. If he pushes back, I'll accept payment and use k8t's sweet phrasing.
posted by ramenopres at 6:16 PM on July 24, 2018
posted by ramenopres at 6:16 PM on July 24, 2018
Yeah, I’m busy and I have enough money for these kinds of things. I would 100% rather pay someone for this kind of work rather than feel like I owed someone a big favor that they might (or might not) try to cash in on in the future. That’s the kind of thing that makes me feel anxious and like I could never ask that person for anything in the future. That might be what is going on.
posted by andreapandrea at 6:15 AM on July 25, 2018
posted by andreapandrea at 6:15 AM on July 25, 2018
Unless they paid you an abnormal amount of money for the task, I just go with Mitch Heburg: " If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks.""
If it bugs you that much, save the money and buy them a gift with it for Christmas or a birthday or whatever.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:50 AM on July 25, 2018
If it bugs you that much, save the money and buy them a gift with it for Christmas or a birthday or whatever.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:50 AM on July 25, 2018
Anytime someone wants to pay me for something that I wasn't expecting to be paid for, I typically request they donate the money instead to the dog rescue we work with.
posted by azpenguin at 1:38 PM on July 25, 2018
posted by azpenguin at 1:38 PM on July 25, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by k8t at 12:13 PM on July 24, 2018 [12 favorites]