How can I settle my brother's affairs when his landlord won't let me?
July 5, 2018 2:24 PM Subscribe
My brother died in a very unhealthy place after he fell while drinking. He rented the top floor of a home that his former landlord/companion (there are differing reports) either rents or owns. Now she won't allow my husband and into their home to gather bills, statements, even a large bin of family photos going back more than a hundred years.
During the past year Aisha limited access to my brother who was in the late stages of alocoholism. We'd make sure he had a phone and it would soon be misplaced. He'd ask to use Aisha's then find she'd deleted our number. When he wrote it down it would likewise go missing. When we took over a birthday cake and gift she grabbed the big, divided picture frame and pointed out that they could sell it for beer before money before we'd been introduced. It broke out hearts to see four children under the age of ten watching TV in a corner.
The examiner told me it's my responsibility as next of kin to see to my brother's outstanding bills and wishes. Both I and my husband have been executor's before so we know the procedures, only, we don't know how to gain access. We left multiple messages in the first week and this was possible only after the examiner convinced Aisha to allow our calls to go through to voicemail. When we didn't hear back after several more days the examiner told us to be patient even after we explained that this is what we've seen the entire past year. We had to learn of my brother's passing from her facebook page though she had two numbers for us and both our emails. She told the officer at the scene she had no way of contacting us. He later told us they can help only in response to violence at the scene. They won't even respond when I asked for an email or fax to which I can send my questions.
We're older and on a fixed income that doesn't allow for a probate attorney. We'd like to use any leftover funds on something for the kids as, sadly, we're not confident Aisha will.
During the past year Aisha limited access to my brother who was in the late stages of alocoholism. We'd make sure he had a phone and it would soon be misplaced. He'd ask to use Aisha's then find she'd deleted our number. When he wrote it down it would likewise go missing. When we took over a birthday cake and gift she grabbed the big, divided picture frame and pointed out that they could sell it for beer before money before we'd been introduced. It broke out hearts to see four children under the age of ten watching TV in a corner.
The examiner told me it's my responsibility as next of kin to see to my brother's outstanding bills and wishes. Both I and my husband have been executor's before so we know the procedures, only, we don't know how to gain access. We left multiple messages in the first week and this was possible only after the examiner convinced Aisha to allow our calls to go through to voicemail. When we didn't hear back after several more days the examiner told us to be patient even after we explained that this is what we've seen the entire past year. We had to learn of my brother's passing from her facebook page though she had two numbers for us and both our emails. She told the officer at the scene she had no way of contacting us. He later told us they can help only in response to violence at the scene. They won't even respond when I asked for an email or fax to which I can send my questions.
We're older and on a fixed income that doesn't allow for a probate attorney. We'd like to use any leftover funds on something for the kids as, sadly, we're not confident Aisha will.
Did he have a lease? Are you legally the executors? Depending on where you are, the police might be able to get you in if you can show that you're legally entitled to get his things.
posted by Mavri at 2:40 PM on July 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Mavri at 2:40 PM on July 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
In other jurisdictions, this would be the job of the sheriff so that's a route too.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:42 PM on July 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 2:42 PM on July 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You just need a sheriff to escort you onto the property to gather his items as the next of kin. Go to your local station, explain the situation without any embellishment ("My brother died and I am his next of kin. Here is his death certificate. We are unable to access his home because a roommate is preventing us from getting in and she is drunk and belligerent. We would like someone from your office to escort us so we can get his belongings.")
I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by juniperesque at 2:45 PM on July 5, 2018 [78 favorites]
I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by juniperesque at 2:45 PM on July 5, 2018 [78 favorites]
Start with a registered letter to her requesting everything you need.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:57 PM on July 5, 2018
posted by Ironmouth at 2:57 PM on July 5, 2018
I know this isn't in your question, but I would actually be a lot more worried about those kids than about your brother's estate (although losing those photos would really suck). I mean, what happens if you just don't execute whatever there is of his estate? Anything really bad? But it sounds like those children are probably in a really bad situation and they need help. I mean, you haven't told us much but what you have said doesn't exactly make me think that Aisha is a safe person to have as their sole caretaker.
I would hardly ever advocate this, but if you think that they are actually being neglected then I would probably prioritize getting CPS (or your local equivalent) involved over chasing down your late brother's unpaid bills. Plus, that might light a fire under Aisha's ass and put her in a more cooperative mood in general. Probably not, but maybe it'd shock her enough that she'd at least try to act like a responsible adult for a little while, which might give you the window you need to get in there and collect whatever it is you need to collect.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:14 PM on July 5, 2018 [9 favorites]
I would hardly ever advocate this, but if you think that they are actually being neglected then I would probably prioritize getting CPS (or your local equivalent) involved over chasing down your late brother's unpaid bills. Plus, that might light a fire under Aisha's ass and put her in a more cooperative mood in general. Probably not, but maybe it'd shock her enough that she'd at least try to act like a responsible adult for a little while, which might give you the window you need to get in there and collect whatever it is you need to collect.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:14 PM on July 5, 2018 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: In Michigan n the US. The “Chief Examiner”is like the coroner and the only one who encourages any contact.
posted by R2WeTwo at 3:20 PM on July 5, 2018
posted by R2WeTwo at 3:20 PM on July 5, 2018
Response by poster: Agreed about the kids. Can't say much beyond we're doing everything we can.
posted by R2WeTwo at 3:21 PM on July 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by R2WeTwo at 3:21 PM on July 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: We are legally “next of kin.”we don't know whether my brother left any formal declarations of his wishes.
posted by R2WeTwo at 3:22 PM on July 5, 2018
posted by R2WeTwo at 3:22 PM on July 5, 2018
Response by poster: You're all amazing. Thanks so much for taking the time!
posted by R2WeTwo at 3:25 PM on July 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by R2WeTwo at 3:25 PM on July 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
If I’m understanding correctly, these are not your brother’s kids? I lean far more in favor of CPS calls than a lot of MeFites, but here I’d say think hard before calling unless you saw more in your visit or prior interactions with respect to these kids than you are sharing in your posts (in which case, absolutely, kids first before the estate/property concerns). It’s a very escalating move, it is likely Aisha may be able to figure out the origin of a visit, and neither leaving kids in front of a TV longer than advisable nor being an absolutely terrible and divisive companion to your late brother are, in themselves, child neglect or abuse.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 4:03 PM on July 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by LadyInWaiting at 4:03 PM on July 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yes, I was definitely assuming a lot in my "I would get CPS involved" answer. I tried to make that clear. I don't think they're unreasonable assumptions though—someone whose first (vocalized!) thought upon seeing someone else's birthday present is "I could break that down for parts and sell it to buy beer" probably has a lot of bad stuff going on. I assume you've seen more than you're talking about here, Asker. Use your own judgement.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:29 PM on July 5, 2018
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:29 PM on July 5, 2018
People who want to break down your gifts for beer money are probably trying to find out if your brother had any money somewhere, anywhere, they can claim - I’ll bet this companion is uninterested in bills, very interested in assets. Photos however are usually fine because they’re not salable.
posted by corb at 5:05 PM on July 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by corb at 5:05 PM on July 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have had to settle both of my parent's estates.
If/when debt collectors/billing agents call to collect on your brother's outstanding debts, the phrase you want to use is "I'm sorry, but he is deceased. You will have to bill his Estate." Some will take your word that that's what's going on, others may request a copy of the death certificate to prove that he is deceased. So, it would be prudent to order at least 10 copies or so of the death certificate, to help settle his affairs.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:08 PM on July 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
If/when debt collectors/billing agents call to collect on your brother's outstanding debts, the phrase you want to use is "I'm sorry, but he is deceased. You will have to bill his Estate." Some will take your word that that's what's going on, others may request a copy of the death certificate to prove that he is deceased. So, it would be prudent to order at least 10 copies or so of the death certificate, to help settle his affairs.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:08 PM on July 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
One option that may get you the access you want is to offer payment. Don't offer payment for the actual stuff if you can avoid it because that will encourage her to hold the stuff hostage -- "we'll give you $100 for the family photos" is a last resort option -- but instead work with the assumption that she must be owed something "Brother must have owed you a last month's rent, and once we're able to get access to his stuff and clear up the estate, we'll also be able to pay off that bill."
If she's willing to sell a picture frame for beer money, the idea of a few hundred dollars in "rent" would be pretty tempting. Also make clear that you're not interested in his stuff -- "we can bring a truck to clear up his clothing, furniture and kitchen stuff, as well, but you're welcome to any of them that you want to keep" -- since she no doubt has sold or plans to sell them for beer money, too.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:44 AM on July 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
If she's willing to sell a picture frame for beer money, the idea of a few hundred dollars in "rent" would be pretty tempting. Also make clear that you're not interested in his stuff -- "we can bring a truck to clear up his clothing, furniture and kitchen stuff, as well, but you're welcome to any of them that you want to keep" -- since she no doubt has sold or plans to sell them for beer money, too.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:44 AM on July 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Something told me to revisit my question and I'm glad I did. These are excellent ideas. Aisha did serve time in prison, I know not what for. It may sound judgmental to put that out here but, where kids are concerned, I don't think it should be ignored. I agree about the rest. The county has not issued a death certificate and not because they're investigating. That was minimal as far as I know. The officer never even called us.
My husband followed her facebook activity after our odd first meeting. It all about drinking and "partying" with some activities with the kids. She'd had the page for decades then it suddenly disappeared. Six months later, exactly one month before my brother's accident a new page appeared under a different name. It features nothing except quotes about being a good mother. I feel a little uneasy sharing this and yet it also feels good not keep it to just the two of us. I'm not drawing any conclusions, just find it curious given everything else we believe we know.
Yes, corb, that is what we see, sadly. Great idea jacquilynne. This is the kind of strategic thinking we were hoping for. My brother told me all of his income went to their household (he was asking for some winter clothes for himself) and I know a large portion of that must have been alcohol. I don't know where he was in his monthly round but would be nice to use any remaining funds for this month to create a happy memory of my brother for the children.
posted by R2WeTwo at 8:21 AM on July 7, 2018
My husband followed her facebook activity after our odd first meeting. It all about drinking and "partying" with some activities with the kids. She'd had the page for decades then it suddenly disappeared. Six months later, exactly one month before my brother's accident a new page appeared under a different name. It features nothing except quotes about being a good mother. I feel a little uneasy sharing this and yet it also feels good not keep it to just the two of us. I'm not drawing any conclusions, just find it curious given everything else we believe we know.
Yes, corb, that is what we see, sadly. Great idea jacquilynne. This is the kind of strategic thinking we were hoping for. My brother told me all of his income went to their household (he was asking for some winter clothes for himself) and I know a large portion of that must have been alcohol. I don't know where he was in his monthly round but would be nice to use any remaining funds for this month to create a happy memory of my brother for the children.
posted by R2WeTwo at 8:21 AM on July 7, 2018
Response by poster: I forgot...the kids are not related genetically. They were always around when we did connect so they're no doubt feeling a loss, too.
posted by R2WeTwo at 9:42 AM on July 7, 2018
posted by R2WeTwo at 9:42 AM on July 7, 2018
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